It is a rare occasion that I take a moment to allow the child that still lives within me out, we all have one but as adults we push that aspect of ourselves. I am not sure why we do, whether it is because as adults there is much more we are responsible for that we forget about that part, or is it because we think it is immature and unseemly to allow it out. I think that there could be many reasons found for this.
For some reason today I allowed myself to indulge in touching that inner child, I had removed my boots and rolled up my leathers, stepping out into the water I would walk along the more shallow aspect and let my feet land on each stone, balancing and just enjoying the feel of the morning breeze around me, and the feel of the cold water as it danced over my feet and splashed about my ankles, I cannot recall the last time I did such,actually I can, it was back when Garyx had first arrived, he had joined me at the stream and he was the first to be able to startle me enough that I fell in the water, I think that is when we both realized that there was something that flowed between us for after that is when the path to entwine our lives began, my fingers lifted to touch the herlit feather and larl tooth. It is hard to let go of the things I feel, I do not think I will let another into my heart again like that, I may one day find another to be mated to, but I will not allow my heart to be captured and touched like that again, I could not go thru such a sorrow a third time. My days of having children are done, now I enjoy watching others have babies, and offer to watch them when they need a break.
I have come to terms with the fact that my life has taken a new turn, one that is much like how it began, alone. I have the comfort and joy of the people of the tribe, so I am not alone, I enjoy people and I enjoy the things I observe and of the things a few wish me to be a part of, being alone is more of the personal aspect of my life. I find it is less stressful also to not be searching for someone,or to be one of the ones that seeks a specific warrior and begin a race to see if I can capture him. I do however enjoy watching the life of the younger women as they begin to explore these things. Some will listen to advice some will not, some will trust you and some will not. Some will be honest and others will be less than honest in their intentions. some will smile as they hide a blade to insert in your back and others will be the ones to take it out and help heal the wound,some will fall prey to assumptions and thoughts because you do not agree with them or support things that are not our ways, others will be happy to rise above this and explore the differences and support that it makes us each unique. Some will continue to encourage that the ways of dwellers be allowed within the tribe, and yet many others will stand against this taint being allowed to pollute the minds of our young women and children. There are many things, emotions and thoughts that flow among the people on a daily basis,these are only a few that are a part of the circle of life, and life is an ongoing and ever changing.
I think on these things as I reach down to pick up a few smooth stones, I skipped them across the surface,as I just enjoyed the quiet, it was some time later that Yamka joined me and Fonce was seen walking down the stream, I pulled the child part of myself quickly within myself, out of habit as I do not allow certain parts of me to be seen publicly, and in place was once more the more known aspect,as I walked towards the embankment to sit, I thought of some things that I wanted to speak to Fonce of but as others drew near I did not, just because I am more of a private person as I sat at first I did not notice the bruise upon Yamka's face more than likely from the position I was in , when Fonce drew near, it became a focus of attention, now she tried to say she ran into a hand or something of that nature, now did she think we would buy into that?
Both Fonce and I asked who hit her, it was clear that was what happened, now I did not say much, Fonce was investigating in that way of his of what occurred. I was shocked to find out her father hit her with such force, I was further shocked by the reason. I am not sure I understand this, I can see punishment for a variety of things but this all over because she told them a warrior did not want her but instead wanted another, I guess I have never seen this before for such a reason . Parents are to support you, and soothe the emotions of the hurt you fear, guide you in advising that maybe he is not the one for you and that another that is perfect for you will come to you, but to deck you so hard to leave a bruise, I am just astounded, not even my father has done that and he has used a whip on me before, but when it came to the sensitive emotions of a first crush he always took the time to explain how a warrior thinks and feels when it comes to women. And even when I did the worst thing I could have, the day he lost his daughter and watched her choose a path that was clearly wrong but did so because of her heart he did not rant and rave, instead he held me and told me to follow what I felt was right no matter what. I did and the consequence was more than I could bear it was the one time in my life I felt broken, that I could not get up again.
Fonce remained calm but I could tell he was not happy, more so because she lied to her parents, she did not tell them who the warrior was and because she was hiding this from Ayguili. Now I knew the warrior she desires is Ayguili, I know the hurt and betrayal she is feeling because she shared these things, but I wasn't going to say anything. Fonce suggested she speak to her parents and be truthful and she is to go to Ayguili because he should know being she is under his care as part of the first wagons. He was right in what he said. But I still cant get my head around this, maybe because I am a woman, and maybe because I have never had a man physically hit me like that, even the scoundrels I had been mated to never did such. Other things yes, but that is a different story.
It was later in the evening that I was sitting with Yamka and Mezoo by the fires, I was listening to various things, I was in truth a bit tired so my focus was not where it should have been, we spoke of Seveyas ceremony, Yamka will get me a skirt of hers, so that I can use it as a guide, I thought that she should have a day of pampering, now I learned long ago as a spex that preparation for things is just as important as the ritual, for it is the mind set that makes an event special or just another day , now Mezoo does not agree, and that is alright, she has been taught different and has her own ways, I respect that, I also know she is young and has not yet seen the difference it can make. She will learn much as she grows, we are different but we have similar ways,she will develop her own ways, it does not change how we are as a people, for we each have different ways in everything.
I had left to try and rest which was fruitless ,my head was filled with to many things, I was finishing up the last aspects of Seveyas ceremony, I have some concerns that I need to speak to her of. I need to ensure that she is ready, she like others has her focus on a man, she needs to focus on making tribe. I think I do not understand the young, when I was growing up it was important to prove ourselves to the tribe, to the clan and then worry of warriors. When I returned to the fires I found Cana and I was sitting with her for a while, I could see she was tired, I hugged her gently, I knew what she was doing, its my trick, it doesn't work and she is realizing this, I know she is worried about the length of time Ba'atar has been gone, but in her heart he still lives, I assured her she would know if he was not, and I still felt his heart beating with everyone else's when I stand out in the plains. She knew this but just needed the assurance.
We were joined by Mezoo, Asria and Yamka, I listened as Cana questioned them on various things. I had a few questions of my own but I did not ask them, I am not their mentor, it is not my place. So I said nothing, until Mezoo asked a question, now once more here is the touch of the dwellers this is beginning to become an ongoing theme and now it begins to concern me. She asked if in order to be a good tuchuk you had to leave the fires. Where in the name of skies did this come from, she shared where it came from and to say I was shocked beyond words would be an understatement.
Cana gave her the same thoughts I was thinking, it does not make you a good or better tuchuk to leave the plains. It does not make you close minded to not want to leave and explore the world beyond the plains. Yamka, Mezoo and Asria each also had thoughts, and from what I could see the dweller thing was not sitting well for the most part though I was surprised to see from one it seem to be something she would accept. Now I have my thoughts and I spoke them when I was asked, going to the cities does not make you open minded or a better tuchuk, nor does it gift you with anything so mind shattering and awe inspiring that you need to know it, personally I think you can learn more and be more here in the openness of the plains. I grow weary of all this dweller bosk shit and I see where it is coming from and why, and I am close to filleting a few from navel to nose with words they will not like. If you chose to embrace the ways of dwellers that is your choice, we each make one, but don't expect anyone else to want to do it or support it. If it means so much to you then perhaps you need to live in the city and not here, if you are here be a tuchuk, not a dweller chuk.
For a moment my head began to hurt and I missed something, when my thought focused once more I caught something about a dweller healer, and of Yamka asking if you would let your children go without help instead of letting a dweller touch them, to another, well now that is a question that would never need to be considered in my mind, there are how many of the healers clan that are about and every tuchuk has a basic teaching of first aid, so why would we need a dweller over a tuchuk, I would say I would not let one touch my child or myself, I would stitch myself up first before letting a dweller touch me,no matter what blood they claim, if you have not lived here you are not tribe , blood does not make you tribe you still have to prove yourself, and unlike those of the back wagons, those that return will have a harder time because to everyone here, they are a stranger. So until they prove themselves it is not even something I would entertain. But to think you will be accepted because you have blood well it is a simple fact, nothing more nothing less,that you must go thru the gauntlet as so many others, my brother has to prove himself, my children had to prove them selves, just as I did and so many others, I see what is happening and why, and I think some better rethink their ways and thoughts before they find themselves in a position they will not like.
As the discussion progressed I put together they were talking of Kaeli's daughter and her returning, I recall this being mentioned before, yes I know I missed something for a few moments, which is why I was quiet on it for the most part, content to listen, it was mentioned Kaeli's daughter is 14 had been training in the city, I knew this from Kaeli herself but I did not think she was that young, I was having a hard time following some of this, I did know this much, I have never seen her daughter, how could any of use when Kaeli herself had not lived with the tribe for a very long time, she returned to the plains as many others did and proved herself to make tribe, given some of the things I was listening to I had to ask, how would she train at such a young age, the green caste does not train a woman who has not had two children, she must wear a bracelet revealing she has no children,and any training give would be very limited, and they would not train a 14 year old, because they do not have the capacity to learn such complexities, hell the brain synapes are not even matured until approximately the twenty fifth turning of life, that is when things finally begin to smooth out and the wings of immaturity fall free, and the new onset of new beginning of maturity settles in. This is impossible surely someone has made a mistake in her age. I think I have been just a bit confused by everyone now. My brain began to hurt again.
Kaeli joined us not long after this discussion started, I listened to the words between Kaeli and Mezoo and the ones Cana also revealed, here and there I would input a thought or two. I listened to what was said and what was not said, it was brought forth my time in the city, and given the many,many turnings spent in them I do not support it, I do not recommend it, and because of it, I can say without a doubt that I think a tuchuk that has never left the plains is far better off than those that have, and no it does not make you better or more open minded to learning, I saw the perspective of things getting lost in the discussion, it is my thought that no matter where you go or do not go, it does not make you open minded or close minded to learning or seeing, it is within you if you wish to learn or not learn of life and all it offers, it is within you to be open or closed, you do not have to leave the plains to learn all these things. And it does not mean if you left that you know more or that you are better. That may or may not have been liked by some but it is how I think when it comes to the city. The other situations that are the catalyst for all this, that is something else my thoughts are not known nor will I reveal them in such a setting, I see some rough days coming for a few, I see high expectations that may be reduced in size. I see the preparations for validation being set in motion.
I see an abyss being created and a whirlpool being cast in motion. It is my hope that no one is exempt from what is our way. That there will be no favoritism to anyone to become tribe, because every single one of us had to work and prove ourselves, with one or two exceptions which were based on who you knew not what you knew and well they sure were not loyal to people or tribe, if there is be assured I will speak up on it.
The morning left a lot of thoughts and feelings in the air. My own kept within, it is times like this I wish my mate were alive so I could bounce things off of him, he would know how to listen and give me thoughts, but I know this is impossible, the thoughts will have to just bounce around in my head.
For some reason today I allowed myself to indulge in touching that inner child, I had removed my boots and rolled up my leathers, stepping out into the water I would walk along the more shallow aspect and let my feet land on each stone, balancing and just enjoying the feel of the morning breeze around me, and the feel of the cold water as it danced over my feet and splashed about my ankles, I cannot recall the last time I did such,actually I can, it was back when Garyx had first arrived, he had joined me at the stream and he was the first to be able to startle me enough that I fell in the water, I think that is when we both realized that there was something that flowed between us for after that is when the path to entwine our lives began, my fingers lifted to touch the herlit feather and larl tooth. It is hard to let go of the things I feel, I do not think I will let another into my heart again like that, I may one day find another to be mated to, but I will not allow my heart to be captured and touched like that again, I could not go thru such a sorrow a third time. My days of having children are done, now I enjoy watching others have babies, and offer to watch them when they need a break.
I have come to terms with the fact that my life has taken a new turn, one that is much like how it began, alone. I have the comfort and joy of the people of the tribe, so I am not alone, I enjoy people and I enjoy the things I observe and of the things a few wish me to be a part of, being alone is more of the personal aspect of my life. I find it is less stressful also to not be searching for someone,or to be one of the ones that seeks a specific warrior and begin a race to see if I can capture him. I do however enjoy watching the life of the younger women as they begin to explore these things. Some will listen to advice some will not, some will trust you and some will not. Some will be honest and others will be less than honest in their intentions. some will smile as they hide a blade to insert in your back and others will be the ones to take it out and help heal the wound,some will fall prey to assumptions and thoughts because you do not agree with them or support things that are not our ways, others will be happy to rise above this and explore the differences and support that it makes us each unique. Some will continue to encourage that the ways of dwellers be allowed within the tribe, and yet many others will stand against this taint being allowed to pollute the minds of our young women and children. There are many things, emotions and thoughts that flow among the people on a daily basis,these are only a few that are a part of the circle of life, and life is an ongoing and ever changing.
I think on these things as I reach down to pick up a few smooth stones, I skipped them across the surface,as I just enjoyed the quiet, it was some time later that Yamka joined me and Fonce was seen walking down the stream, I pulled the child part of myself quickly within myself, out of habit as I do not allow certain parts of me to be seen publicly, and in place was once more the more known aspect,as I walked towards the embankment to sit, I thought of some things that I wanted to speak to Fonce of but as others drew near I did not, just because I am more of a private person as I sat at first I did not notice the bruise upon Yamka's face more than likely from the position I was in , when Fonce drew near, it became a focus of attention, now she tried to say she ran into a hand or something of that nature, now did she think we would buy into that?
Both Fonce and I asked who hit her, it was clear that was what happened, now I did not say much, Fonce was investigating in that way of his of what occurred. I was shocked to find out her father hit her with such force, I was further shocked by the reason. I am not sure I understand this, I can see punishment for a variety of things but this all over because she told them a warrior did not want her but instead wanted another, I guess I have never seen this before for such a reason . Parents are to support you, and soothe the emotions of the hurt you fear, guide you in advising that maybe he is not the one for you and that another that is perfect for you will come to you, but to deck you so hard to leave a bruise, I am just astounded, not even my father has done that and he has used a whip on me before, but when it came to the sensitive emotions of a first crush he always took the time to explain how a warrior thinks and feels when it comes to women. And even when I did the worst thing I could have, the day he lost his daughter and watched her choose a path that was clearly wrong but did so because of her heart he did not rant and rave, instead he held me and told me to follow what I felt was right no matter what. I did and the consequence was more than I could bear it was the one time in my life I felt broken, that I could not get up again.
Fonce remained calm but I could tell he was not happy, more so because she lied to her parents, she did not tell them who the warrior was and because she was hiding this from Ayguili. Now I knew the warrior she desires is Ayguili, I know the hurt and betrayal she is feeling because she shared these things, but I wasn't going to say anything. Fonce suggested she speak to her parents and be truthful and she is to go to Ayguili because he should know being she is under his care as part of the first wagons. He was right in what he said. But I still cant get my head around this, maybe because I am a woman, and maybe because I have never had a man physically hit me like that, even the scoundrels I had been mated to never did such. Other things yes, but that is a different story.
It was later in the evening that I was sitting with Yamka and Mezoo by the fires, I was listening to various things, I was in truth a bit tired so my focus was not where it should have been, we spoke of Seveyas ceremony, Yamka will get me a skirt of hers, so that I can use it as a guide, I thought that she should have a day of pampering, now I learned long ago as a spex that preparation for things is just as important as the ritual, for it is the mind set that makes an event special or just another day , now Mezoo does not agree, and that is alright, she has been taught different and has her own ways, I respect that, I also know she is young and has not yet seen the difference it can make. She will learn much as she grows, we are different but we have similar ways,she will develop her own ways, it does not change how we are as a people, for we each have different ways in everything.
I had left to try and rest which was fruitless ,my head was filled with to many things, I was finishing up the last aspects of Seveyas ceremony, I have some concerns that I need to speak to her of. I need to ensure that she is ready, she like others has her focus on a man, she needs to focus on making tribe. I think I do not understand the young, when I was growing up it was important to prove ourselves to the tribe, to the clan and then worry of warriors. When I returned to the fires I found Cana and I was sitting with her for a while, I could see she was tired, I hugged her gently, I knew what she was doing, its my trick, it doesn't work and she is realizing this, I know she is worried about the length of time Ba'atar has been gone, but in her heart he still lives, I assured her she would know if he was not, and I still felt his heart beating with everyone else's when I stand out in the plains. She knew this but just needed the assurance.
We were joined by Mezoo, Asria and Yamka, I listened as Cana questioned them on various things. I had a few questions of my own but I did not ask them, I am not their mentor, it is not my place. So I said nothing, until Mezoo asked a question, now once more here is the touch of the dwellers this is beginning to become an ongoing theme and now it begins to concern me. She asked if in order to be a good tuchuk you had to leave the fires. Where in the name of skies did this come from, she shared where it came from and to say I was shocked beyond words would be an understatement.
Cana gave her the same thoughts I was thinking, it does not make you a good or better tuchuk to leave the plains. It does not make you close minded to not want to leave and explore the world beyond the plains. Yamka, Mezoo and Asria each also had thoughts, and from what I could see the dweller thing was not sitting well for the most part though I was surprised to see from one it seem to be something she would accept. Now I have my thoughts and I spoke them when I was asked, going to the cities does not make you open minded or a better tuchuk, nor does it gift you with anything so mind shattering and awe inspiring that you need to know it, personally I think you can learn more and be more here in the openness of the plains. I grow weary of all this dweller bosk shit and I see where it is coming from and why, and I am close to filleting a few from navel to nose with words they will not like. If you chose to embrace the ways of dwellers that is your choice, we each make one, but don't expect anyone else to want to do it or support it. If it means so much to you then perhaps you need to live in the city and not here, if you are here be a tuchuk, not a dweller chuk.
For a moment my head began to hurt and I missed something, when my thought focused once more I caught something about a dweller healer, and of Yamka asking if you would let your children go without help instead of letting a dweller touch them, to another, well now that is a question that would never need to be considered in my mind, there are how many of the healers clan that are about and every tuchuk has a basic teaching of first aid, so why would we need a dweller over a tuchuk, I would say I would not let one touch my child or myself, I would stitch myself up first before letting a dweller touch me,no matter what blood they claim, if you have not lived here you are not tribe , blood does not make you tribe you still have to prove yourself, and unlike those of the back wagons, those that return will have a harder time because to everyone here, they are a stranger. So until they prove themselves it is not even something I would entertain. But to think you will be accepted because you have blood well it is a simple fact, nothing more nothing less,that you must go thru the gauntlet as so many others, my brother has to prove himself, my children had to prove them selves, just as I did and so many others, I see what is happening and why, and I think some better rethink their ways and thoughts before they find themselves in a position they will not like.
As the discussion progressed I put together they were talking of Kaeli's daughter and her returning, I recall this being mentioned before, yes I know I missed something for a few moments, which is why I was quiet on it for the most part, content to listen, it was mentioned Kaeli's daughter is 14 had been training in the city, I knew this from Kaeli herself but I did not think she was that young, I was having a hard time following some of this, I did know this much, I have never seen her daughter, how could any of use when Kaeli herself had not lived with the tribe for a very long time, she returned to the plains as many others did and proved herself to make tribe, given some of the things I was listening to I had to ask, how would she train at such a young age, the green caste does not train a woman who has not had two children, she must wear a bracelet revealing she has no children,and any training give would be very limited, and they would not train a 14 year old, because they do not have the capacity to learn such complexities, hell the brain synapes are not even matured until approximately the twenty fifth turning of life, that is when things finally begin to smooth out and the wings of immaturity fall free, and the new onset of new beginning of maturity settles in. This is impossible surely someone has made a mistake in her age. I think I have been just a bit confused by everyone now. My brain began to hurt again.
Kaeli joined us not long after this discussion started, I listened to the words between Kaeli and Mezoo and the ones Cana also revealed, here and there I would input a thought or two. I listened to what was said and what was not said, it was brought forth my time in the city, and given the many,many turnings spent in them I do not support it, I do not recommend it, and because of it, I can say without a doubt that I think a tuchuk that has never left the plains is far better off than those that have, and no it does not make you better or more open minded to learning, I saw the perspective of things getting lost in the discussion, it is my thought that no matter where you go or do not go, it does not make you open minded or close minded to learning or seeing, it is within you if you wish to learn or not learn of life and all it offers, it is within you to be open or closed, you do not have to leave the plains to learn all these things. And it does not mean if you left that you know more or that you are better. That may or may not have been liked by some but it is how I think when it comes to the city. The other situations that are the catalyst for all this, that is something else my thoughts are not known nor will I reveal them in such a setting, I see some rough days coming for a few, I see high expectations that may be reduced in size. I see the preparations for validation being set in motion.
I see an abyss being created and a whirlpool being cast in motion. It is my hope that no one is exempt from what is our way. That there will be no favoritism to anyone to become tribe, because every single one of us had to work and prove ourselves, with one or two exceptions which were based on who you knew not what you knew and well they sure were not loyal to people or tribe, if there is be assured I will speak up on it.
The morning left a lot of thoughts and feelings in the air. My own kept within, it is times like this I wish my mate were alive so I could bounce things off of him, he would know how to listen and give me thoughts, but I know this is impossible, the thoughts will have to just bounce around in my head.
