The lost is found

I had heard others speak of Fonce’s return and as I sat there by the fire he approached, gone was that arrogant, confident stride that often had a line of free women and slave alike drooling and falling over themselves. Begging constantly for his attention. Instead, he walked alone, it took me a moment to take in everything from the slower gait, as if it was an effort for him to place his feet upon the ground, as if they had forgotten the feel of the plains beneath them. He was haggard and thin, so much so that his clothes hung upon him, I knew that he lost a great deal of body mass, muscle and tissue. I knew what this meant but I did not state the obvious, it was clearly etched upon him that he had been thru something, but what was not yet known. I had questions but I did not ask them as his words revealed to me that he did not seem to know himself what happened. So I did not barrage him with questions. Now was not the time.

Instead, I listened as he spoke, it did not seem to me as if he had spoken in a long time for his voice sounded raw, ragged and harsh as if it were being grated across broken glass, as he asked of various things. He asked how long he had been gone, the surprise in his eyes as I told him he had missed several trails, which has been just about three turnings, now that he has been gone. The disbelief was there and it would not be easily shaken. Many have come and gone during this time, for some the reasons clear and for others it is unknown. Just as finding out that Ba’atar was now Ubar, was even more of a surprise for he remembered having to reign him in a few times as a commander, I assured him that he had grown into the man capable of handling the reigns of leadership and so far he was doing a very good job, like all new Ubars he stumbled at times but he was doing very well. He seemed to accept this. I think he was even pleased but I could not say that with absolute certainty.

Then came the one question I was not looking forward to he asked of Tzuri. What do you say to a man when he returns only to find his mate gone? I had mixed emotions on this I will admit to myself, but I would not reveal them to him or anyone else, I recall conversations of old with him after he collared her. I knew his thoughts at that time so how was I to answer this question. I wanted to evade it, dance around it. And in that ehn much went thru my mind, of what to say and how, but in the end I answered the only way I could, truthfully, but then I think he knew this. I never pull punches with people I tell the truth even when they don’t want to hear it. And there was no tactful way to tell him, I could only say what was obvious, she was gone and had been for almost a many turnings as he had been gone.

Understandably, this took him back a bit, and what he felt in that moment I do not know, I can only think it was like a huge brick wall suddenly being thrown upon you, crushing you, suffocating you, this was a woman, who professed such a great love to him, one that submitted to his collar because of that love. And yet, not long after he disappeared she left without a word to anyone, no message, no nothing just gone. I have my thoughts on this but I will not reveal them I will keep them to myself, simply because in my mind she is not worth my energy, she has shown that she had no loyalty to tribe, no loyalty to her mate and definitely did not know what love was or what it meant to stand by your mate thru thick and thin, many knew that the spex all felt he had not died, that is why others did not give up on his return one day. To me her actions say it all. But to me this was no surprise I never thought she would be loyal to him or tribe in fact he and I once had words over her in regards to such things. And I do not think he really ever forgave me for it, sad thing is. It turned out to be true.

I felt for him I really, did, because I know that feeling of loss of love of a mate. And the confusion that whirled thru him did not yet allow him to feel the full import of it. And yet there was nothing I could do for him, I could only be there. Because I knew no words would fill that sudden empty hollow feeling you get. Nor are there answers to the whys because no one knows. We all only know that she was not the only one to leave convienatly at the same time. The irony of it is that she was a woman born of the plains not tainted by the ways of cities and dwellers, but yet she did this. It only goes to show it isn’t the blood that makes you loyal to tribe or to a man or woman, it is your heart, soul, spirit and very being that makes you who you are. I have mixed thoughts on this because this is the woman that he broke my daughters heart for. Is that not ironic, in more than one way. Thankfully, she has learned from it and grown, it took a long time for her to get over that heart break for she did truly love him, but it seemed she was judged because of me, something I never understood and maybe never will. I can only hope that Fonce also heals from this betrayal. And no matter how you look at it. That is what is. But what do you expect from a woman who wore a collar as an Ubara and wouldn’t remove it and then picked grass?

I told him of the deaths of Polunu and Sakmeta, we spoke of it briefly and in the end he realized that if father decided the death then it was warranted. We spoke of this still within the tribe, Cana, father, Ayguili, Shi and Silk, though he seemed surprised they were mated again, though he was here when they did. It was during this talk that I realized that his mind seemed to have a fog hanging over it like an opaque curtain. It was hard for his mind to get around things, this worried me as did his inability to eat, I gave him suggestions on how to bring his appetite slowly back so that he would not harm himself and allow his strength to return, it was for this reason that I did not go into much detail of many things as it would be too much.

Cana was taking care of him ensuring he had milk and food, I know the two had a bond that most did not know of and some did not understand and others envied, even I can say there was a time when I to envied her but, you know, he is like a son to me and always will be, in life everyone has a person that they call a friend one that they can talk to without judgment, one that is a part of them. It can be between man and woman, or woman to woman or man to man, this bond knows no gender. This is the bond between Cana and Fonce, it was not the bond of lovers but of friends, brother and sister, an understanding between two people that has deep meaning and value I was glad to see her mother him and make him drink and eat. She did warn him of the wooden spoon which brought a smile to him. It was good to see that.

There is much for him to adjust to and come to accept, it will not be easy for him, and it may require patience of others, as there will be days he will be over sensitive from an overload of information and feelings. It is a lot to digest when you have been gone for so long.

A Tuchuk Wagon

I have stayed at my wagon for most of the crushing various herbs and flowers. My thoughts are drawn to my friend Ari, I have had dreams of her lately, I feel that much unhappiness has befallen her not that I am surprised I had warned her when she visited that if she mated this man she was with that it would not go well, I had even told her if she did it without my blessing upon it that he would show his true colors only after blinding her with his false charm and smooth words.. I can never tell anyone what to do, even those who are like a sister to me. I knew she would not heed my words just as I knew that he would slink off in the night like a dweller coward. To me he was not trustworthy. This had been later confirmed outside Turia when I was speaking with her and he rode up like some charging rabid tharlarion. Garyx was not impressed with him and was less than pleased with how he treated those around him. It was the first time I had gotten in trouble with Garyx for my mouth, but in truth it was worth it. The man is a fake , deceitful ost and my thoughts will never change for he has proven them to be true. I suspect that she has rid herself of him, but I do not for sure I can only catch glimmers.

Ari is one of my oldest and dearest friends, she was the only one that had ever been nice to me in Treve, the only one to prove my trust was well placed, she never judged me and she never stopped being a friend no matter what. She is the only female outside of Chayleene that knows my darkest deepest secrets, the ones that cause great pain,sorrow and shame. And yet they also have shared in some of my greatest joys.

I remember her asking when I was in my late teens about our wagons, she wanted to know what they looked like.. While there is much of our people I will not speak of because they are not tuchuk, there was no harm in describing the wagons. I still see the image in my mind and the awe on her face as I told the story of our wagons.

The wagons of the tuchuk are magnificent, they are almost square and each the size of a very large room, they are drawn by a double team of bosk, four in a team.

The wagon box itself stands six feet from the ground, it is formed of black lacquered planks of tem wood. Inside the square wagon box, there is fixed a rounded, tentlike frame, covered with the taut, painted, varnished hides of bosks. These hides are brilliant and rich in color, within them are worked intricate, detailed beautiful and phenomenal fantastic designs. Each wagon competes with is neighboring wagon to be the boldest, the most exciting and the most unusual . The rounded frame is fixed somewhat within the square of the wagon box, so that a walkway, almost like a ship's bridge, surrounds the frame. The sides of the wagon box, incidentally, are, here and there, perforated for arrow ports, so that the small horn bow can be used as an advantage like a crossbow.

The one thing that is most striking about the wagons are the wheels, which are huge, the back wheels having a diameter of about ten feet; the front wheels are, like those of the Conestoga wagon, slightly smaller, in this case, about eight feet in diameter; the larger rear wheels are more difficult to mire; the smaller front wheels, nearer the pulling power of the bosk, permit a somewhat easier turning of the wagon. These wheels are carved wood and, like the wagon hides, are richly painted. Thick strips of bosk hide form the wheel rims, which are replaced three to four times a year. The wagon is guided by a series of eight straps, two each for the four lead animals. Normally, however, the wagons are tied in tandem fashion, in numerous long columns, and only the lead wagons are guided, the others simply following, thongs running from the rear of one wagon to the nose rings of the bosk following, sometimes as much as thirty yards behind, with the next wagon; also, too, a wagon is often guided by a woman or boy who walks beside the lead animals with a sharp stick.

"The interiors of the wagons, lashed shut, protected from the dust of the march, are often rich, marvelously carpeted and hung, filled with chests and silks, and booty from looted caravans, lit by hanging thalarion oil lamps , the golden light of which falls on the silken cushions, the ankle-deep, intricately wrought carpets. In the center of the wagon there is a small shallow fire bowl, formed of copper, with a raised brass grating. Some cooking is done here, though the bowl is largely to furnish heat. The smoke escapes by a smoke hole at the dome of the tentlike frame, a hole which is shut when the wagons move."
From Nomads of Gor pp. 30-31

I can still see her trying to visualize the wagons, it was not until she visited that she saw their true beauty , I think of how recently I have seen some make steel rims, I have never seen that before, and I am not sure what I think of it, I do know that it has never been our way to use them. I do not say much on it, for I am no wagon builder, but I will keep mine as they are. Perhaps I am too old, and I hold to the ways of our people, the leatherworker's will always have work from me. I cannot see me changing at this age. I am pretty set in my ways I think. I am not sure this is a good thing or a bad thing.

A significant sign

I have done absolutely nothing this day, it is an unusual occurrence for me. I have taken the day just for me. My children have all spent the day with father and Chay. I could see the questions but they did not ask, I needed this time just for me. Not for anyone else. For once I was being selfish.

I spent some time in the bathing wagon letting the warm scented water envelope me and seep thru my skin, within the clear heated depths floated various flowers and herbs. The aroma would capture and soothe my senses. The lotions that I create keep my skin nourished, I learned long ago to feed all aspects of my mind and body, I try to take care of myself. I do it for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I know that my mate enjoys how my skin feels beneath the caress of his hand, or how my hair holds just a light natural fragrance when he glides his hand thru it.

It is not often I indulge in such things, but today I felt the need, it also gave me time to think on various things. Last night I had gone out to ride along the plains something I often do in the night, when much is on my mind, but tonight was different, something called to me and pulled it, it was as if someone was standing next to me yelling, I could not ignore it, so I followed it.

The night held only the silent blanket of darkness, there was nothing there, the grass would whisper in the evening wind. The stars would sparkle and shimmer like rare gems suspended in a viscous liquid. There was no one here, still I could not push away that feeling it was much like the one I felt when we were on the trail. So I moved about the outer perimeter of the camp placing various items along the ground, drawing sacred protective designs with red salt, it was then that Ayguili came up behind me. Would seem that it was thought I was missing, I had to chuckle softly, I think my family forgets that I often go out. But the concern was no less important, even if not truly warranted. While I spoke with him I noticed the spiraling of a wind, it was strange, out of place, not normal, it had a concentric circular movement to it, it was purposeful, at first I thought a storm, but then I saw one of the white bosk I could not tell if it was the one born the same night as my son. or the one that Ba'atar just received, either way, it was in danger, it was injured I could tell by its movement, Ayguili went to take care of the bosk as is only right, I would try to divert the wind, I knew there was no stopping it, but it could be split, so I cast a spell and placed the blade in the ground to cut the oncoming winds, it was powerful and bits of it still touched us. But Ayguili and the bosk were safe, at the same time something clouded my mind, for a moment I could not see.

It has only happened once before, and before I could grasp what was happening I heard the tell tale sound of arrows flying thru the air, yet they weren't touching us, they weren't meant to, they landed around us, the ground held only unmarked arrows, I could tell this was on purpose so that you could not tell who they belonged to. Yet one was marked, now I believe this to was done with purpose for at about that time my mind cleared, the arrow wasn't meant to kill but only to get my attention along with others. I felt that familiar sharp pain in my shoulder, I have had arrow injuries, I asked Ayguili to break it, he of course said it needed to be removed which I knew. I think he thought I would be hysterical and screaming in pain, but that is not me, I am not prone to hysterics. He removed it and the intense pain raged thru my blood like a hot iron being drove thru me, I put dirt and spider webbing on it to keep it from bleeding until I could reach camp. I asked him not to tell any one outside of Ba'atar and my father, it was something they would need to speak upon. I did not think we needed to cause any panic or undo worry right now. Besides that is a matter for the men to handle.

He did say one other would need to know, and it went without saying when I saw my mate I would tell him what happened, I would not keep an injury a secret. We rode back to camp and talked of a few things, he realized that I was stubborn and wasn't going to let go of a few things, he did talk with me and I learned much of him, I understand now a few things and I have to respect his thoughts and vow. I did give a few thoughts and suggestions on a few things we spoke of. As with others, what he shared will go no further. When we neared I went to my wagons where I had the wound properly cleaned and cauterized. I did take some willow bark and then after a while I joined the others for a short time by the fire.

Seems we have yet another prospect, I have to shake my head a bit, she clearly does not know our ways, and yet claims to be of the outer wagons, she should know the basics. Aponi I have to say she nailed her pretty good, and Tengfei warned her she could have a new piece of jewelry about her neck. She has no depth to her, she is pretty vague and shallow gives a rehearsed response, so I will change the questions, some I am sure not even tribe know. I shall be testing her of that she can count.

Though I still do not understand why the names of people were being used in front of someone not tribe. That sort of irritated me but I was not going to make an issue of it at that moment not because I agreed but because I know when to choose my battles. Besides I was tired and I needed to rest.

I am not sure when I will see my mate sometimes it is a few hands that I actually see him, yet I know he has been back to our wagons at different times, I awaken just enough when he slips in and undresses and lies beside me in our furs, the warmth of him along side my body and the gentle strength of his arms as they wrap about me pulling me close. It is those nights that I would sleep the deep restful sleep that I need, I did not have a chance to tell him last night though I know he felt the bandage there, fortunately he does not over react and knows I will tell him when we have the time together to talk, and he also knows since I was not in a healers wagon and no one hovering about me.. that it was not life threatening. One thing about Garyx, he knows how I am. And he knows when to worry. And when not to. Thank the skies he is a patient man.

A slow morning

I find myself with a lingering fatigue clinging to my soul this morning, enough that I have no true desire to get out of bed. Yet, I know I must. There is much to do. I can hear my children outside the wagon doing what all brothers and sisters do, argue and verbally spar back and forth. I hear Hallie already doing the mothering thing of the younger ones, she has been helping Cana a lot and learning much from her, she talks non stop of what she is doing and I think if she could burst in on her and wake her up she would. So before she disappears for ahns at a time I force myself up and dress, pulling back my hair I braid it tightly before stepping from the wagon, making my way to the fire with in my circle of wagons I get some black wine and sit to relax before going to see what awaits me.

As I watch my children sometimes I feel rather old, Hallie has grown into a beautiful young woman, she is the youngest of my daughters. Though she has her fathers eyes and his humor, something most do not realize he has, she has some of my stubbornness and fearlessness, and that could get her into much trouble. Though I can not say she really looks like me nor does she look like Shi, she simply looks like herself, she is her own person, has her own fire and spirit. Though she tries to see the best in everyone she has learned rather young that people disappoint and hurt you. I cannot save any of them from the graze of pain, hurt and sorrow. I can only teach them how to survive these things. She is strong within, she is closer I think to Garyx that she is her own father, and while I wish I could say something about it, I cant, she has had to learn how he is on his own, does it mean Shi does not love her? No, it doesn't , he just isn't involved in the lives of his children as much as he should be.

Arkus, I am somewhat worried of him, he holds anger and resentment within him in regards to his father and Silk, while I try to explain something's in a way so that his father is not seen as less than a man or warrior,I am not so sure that it has worked. I know he has heard various rumors and I can not answer them for him, it would color their vision of him and they must see him as their father nothing more nothing less, it is not in me to taint that image no matter how much I want to at times. I may have forgiven on some level but I have forgotten nothing. I can understand the feelings, I can teach him much as a mother, and while I raised other sons alone, I know I can still only teach so much I might understand much of men but I am not a man there are things I could not begin to know or understand. Garyx and father have been teaching him a lot for which I am thankful. He has been drawn to the clan of scarrers, while it is his fathers clan I think he was fascinated from having watched Lochlan when he was alive. I have spoken with Ayguili, he is willing to teach him, I think that he will learn much from him as well. Though Ayguili hides much of himself behind a stone wall, I think there is much more of a depth to him than most see. It is not easy to look past the masks people put on to protect themselves, I recognize the masks, mostly because I have worn them. It hides deep pain.

I thank the skies for these warriors that have and are taking the time to teach him and guide him, with their guidance and knowledge he will grow into a fine young man and warrior

My thoughts are drawn to Cana and Ba'atar as I watch them go thru one of their first major challenges as a couple. While how they each handle some things makes me want to reach out and bang their heads together, they have managed to come to a juncture where they both once more walk as one. They may not yet know it, but these troubled waters they have navigated will make them stronger and also help them learn things of each other. They are still a young growing couple, but I have faith in what they share,they can with patience and understanding walk thru anything. It is painful but they have walked thru their first trial by fire.

I knew while he presented this "I am okay" image at the fires, he was not, I caught that movement of his arm when I asked him to take a deep breath, that spar in my opinion went beyond what would be friendly. He could have had a punctured lung,fortunately he does not. I think he knew I was not going to let it go, and I was going to see about it, unfortunately he is not spex so I could not say I had need of him in that capacity as I used to do to Fonce. So I had to be a bit more creative to see what was wrong without anyone else realizing it, I knew he had no desire for anyone to know just by his actions. Men, when will they learn such does not make them weak, so I took care of the problem in my own way without anyone knowing it. Then I sent him off with Cana, of course I knew what I was doing when I nudged them to their wagons. Sometimes a woman's love is the best healer, while I took care of the injury using an ancient spex technique, I am careful to not reveal that it is done, not because we do not want to help people, but we are not the healers, and it has only a limited power, but the main reason is because when we do use this it takes to much from us, we give a part of ourselves to those that we use it on. And we take on what it is they feel and hold, It is not something we can use often. Which is why we are careful and I know that Ba 'atar may not yet understand what I did only that he knows that he is no longer in pain and no longer is bleeding,even if he figured it out, he would not bandy it about. If it was common knowledge , it would be abused by people and those of us in the clan would essentially die from the over use of it. There is a reason we have a healer clan, we just once in a while give their work a little extra nudge unknowingly to them. I do know this much, the amount of pain he was holding was a lot more than he let on, for a moment it nearly blinded me with its intensity. I rarely touch people or let them touch me unless I am protecting myself from their emotions and what they physically feel, only a few realize it is because I am empathic and I pick up on these things.

Most think it is because I think I am above them or better. Nothing could be further from the truth, I just do not like to be unprepared for the sudden onslaught of images and physical manifestation of their pain, sorrow or other things. Sometimes I will touch to see but the person normally knows that is what I am doing, and sometimes I will touch when I have properly protected myself from seeing or feeling. There are misconceptions of me and I do not correct them, the reason is easy, if a person can judge that easily and not really see and hear, then they are blind and deaf to life.

I will always continue to be me, I have always been honest with people sometimes brutally so, but they always know where I stand and what I think. I will as always stand for what I think is right and fight for it and those that I care of. I am a persons greatest friend but lie to me, betray me or those I care of and I can be the cruelest meanest bitch to cross their path, I will go for the jugular and watch the person bleed. For me that side only comes out when you screw with the tribe and you mess with those I care about. And when that happens, I wont hold anything back until your blood soaks the ground and the plains devour you as if you were nothing but a speck of dust in the wind. Finally a few moments of silence as all the children all disappeared to do what they needed chore wise. Hallie is off to find Cana as she knows by now that they all would be awake. This leaves me some quiet time, I gaze out over the plains just watching, listening.

Garyx has been gone out on patrols for some time, sometimes they seem like they get longer and longer,but it is a part of our life. It does not mean I miss him any less and hope that all is well, I like all women know that as we watch our men ride off to hunt or patrol, that it could be the last time we see them, which is why I ensure that he always knows that I am thinking of him and he knows how I feel.

Prospects and knoweldge

Sometimes I get so busy with things that I loose track of the days as they pass me by. It has been a number of days I know since we have seen the prospect Karia, though there are new prospects that carry the same aura and manners that she did, and I have to wonder of young people now. And another that carries the same mental challenge and grasp of understanding of another that did not understand much. I had often wondered if we had lost many of our ways, but now that Ba'atar has been bringing them back it only confirms that this thought was right, and people resist because they want what they think are the true ways of the people used. When they aren't. Slowly he is repairing the foundation that had been destroyed by those who either did not care or wanted to be dwellers upon the plains. It is not easy what he is doing, and I am sure he gets a backlash, but he is on the right path.

I do not recall acting as these do, had I done any of these things I would not have survived and my father would have been gravely disappointed in me. I would rather risk his anger than disappointment. Though I make mistakes often and falter, I still do things with the best of intentions, which are never designed to harm or control another. Yet, I watch the actions of some and I really have to shake my head . I have noticed that those who love to claim a pure blood status are worse than those who have mixed blood, and yet I have seen mixed bloods tainted so bad by dweller ways that it makes me sick. I am used to people misunderstanding me and judging me, it rarely bothers me, because if they think certain things then they truly do not know me and in essence they are not worth me knowing. I recall when I was first back upon the plains, no one coddled me nor were they polite to me or socialize with me, those that were here when I returned did things the old way and I very nearly quit and walked away, because they did push me to the breaking point, the reason is easy, to see if I had what it took to survive out here, this is not some tropical paradise or sandy oasis, or soft city. We are on the plains, at the mercy of the sky and elements. The land is unforgiving and harsh, each day we know we can take our last breath, the animals of the plains are often hungry and seeking nourishment, the rival bands on the plains often raid and steal women and supplies. Yet some think that we are to be friendly with them, do they forget the only time ever that there is any civility between the tribes of the plains is during the love wars. That is the only time there is peace. Even with the turians there is a peace.

I am not impressed with any of these prospects the most recent two, I don't trust, I get the oddest feeing of them. They will show themselves in time, they always do some sooner than others. If someone's intentions are pure and they truly are here for the tribe they aren't going to give the same practiced rehearsed rhetoric I hear from each one day after day, do they tell each other what to say. When will they learn that this standard vague answer is not correct. If they were truly tuchuks even from the outer wagons they would know what it means when asked. What is it to be a Tuchuk... What do you bring to this tribe. These are basic things. When will people realize that those of the outer wagons are not taught differently. they are taught the same basic principles of life and a foundation of our ways is built, the only difference is they have less than those of the first wagons, and they are not held to a higher standard as we of the first are.

It occurs to me a couple of the ones that were the harshest on me are the very same ones that act as if they are having tea and cookies with these prospects, it makes me scratch my head. I recall all the tasks that I had to do and the questions that I had to answer. I find such things oddly fascinating.

But I still am not impressed with the prospects. Even those that claim to be pure tuchuk. Like we can't see what they are up to.

Unnecessary Burdens

Sage and sweet grass linger in the air was we work, within the clans fires there is an ambience that we all create, this is where we do various work and share various thoughts, though we allow those who seek counsel and knowledge among the outer circle the inner sanctum is off limits to those not of our clan.

I was finished helping to create a ritual for the evening when Jai appeared near our wagons, I made my way to where he sat. He had much on his mind that was evident, I saw with him and listened to his thoughts on various things. There are some things that we cannot help with, we can only listen and offer various paths, the things upon his mind I could not fix or give solution only offer various directions, though it is my thought if there is something you feel you need to know then you must go to that person and speak honestly and true, and in that you cannot go wrong even if at first you think so.

Just as the answer is not his to find, it is someone else's and he should not be carrying the weight of it or the guilt for it is not his to bear, it is the woman's and it is up to her to find the answer. He has done the best he can, but he cannot control the actions or choices people make, the situation was brought upon herself by her own actions even if she fails to see them. We spoke of various things and it was clear he had no idea certain things that had occurred, and I enlightened him and if he had doubt all he had to do was ask a few others who also had witnessed it, he did not have to take my word alone for I had no reason to lie and I could easily show him the day with clarify that would leave no doubt, but why subject him to that pain when he was already bleeding from within. I am not sure if he understood or if I helped him but there are times when the best help you can give another is to let them see things for themselves and remove the blinders. I do not wish ill upon the woman, but no Tuchuk ever goes back on their words and promises, for that is everything to us. The rest were actions of her own doing and resulted from her own mouth, she can speak to others of me as she desires it has no meaning to me, and what they chose to believe is up to them but they should know the complete truth before deciding not just the ranting's of someone who has shamed the people numerous times over but then they would not know this because they are never given the complete truth. But they will learn on their own. Just as they have to learn what it will take to earn freedom. Once a woman wears a collar in that moment they are no longer free, for a collar is a collar. And this lesson is a harsh one to embrace and swallow. Not all can do it no matter what it will bring them if they do. Short sightedness often blinds. There are times when every single woman free or slave have to let go of everything and embrace who they are. There are times this is very humiliating and painful. And other times it is full of rewards and the greastest of joys, it is up to each woman which it will be. Sometimes it is both.

Later in the evening I returned to the fires, and spent some time with Shi and a few others, he has been out on extended patrol with Garyx, I wondered of some of this as Silk has indicated to most of us that he as been missing and that Jai has been providing for her. I do not think he was happy to hear that such things were being spoken and this made me even more confused. His words have lead me to believe that he has been providing for his family as a warrior would even when on patrol. So I have to wonder just what is going on. This is not the first time this has occurred and I do recall that Fonce had warned them both the first time they were unmated the second time there would be no undoing it because they each knowingly went into it a second time. So this whole thing leaves a lot of questions with no clear answers. I can only wonder just what in the skies is going on now. I asked father of this and he confirmed that Shi has been out on patrol for the past few hands helping other warriors, working hard much like Garyx has been. There are nights I do not even hear my mate return and he is gone before I rise. There are to many actions and words and situations that I have questions on but yet there are no answers to them. When it comes to Silk and Shi I just stay out of it, because there is always something going on between them and to many times others are drawn into a situation that they should not be and a wise person stays out of it.


I know full well that Garyx could beat me if he chose to, collar me if he chose to because of my words or actions. All women know this. The only reason my mate has not, is because we keep our disagreements in private, no one ever sees major fights in public. Nor would they know if we were having problems which every now and then we have to navigate rocky waters. I learned long ago just how deeply private my mate is, just as I am. There is much of me not known even by those who have known me for many turnings. Simply because the main fire is not the place to speak of such things. All know only what I choose to allow them to know.

Besides I know that if I spoke of various things people would not get past it. They would only see what I may have done versus the reasons why it occurred. And there are some things I can say I am not proud of, but I have not shared them, some things not even my father knows. Though some things he does that even to this day I wish he did not. But all these things have made me who I am, they also help me to understand what others go thru when they have to endure these things, it is only now later in life that I begin to understand what the ancient one meant when he said he deliberately forced my father to send me away, I had to learn these things in order to understand when others went thru it, did they have to show them with such intensity.

The path of chaos is laid

There is nothing like a ride over the plains to clear the mind of thought and emotions. The feel of the wind racing across your face and tugging at your hair, cleansing away everything that may cling upon you to weigh you down. Mist Runner's hooves thunder upon the ground as he is given free reign.

We pause in the middle of the plains just to gaze out over the plains, to watch the grass sway to and fro under the gaze of the moonlight. The sky is heavy with darkness there is no glimmer of light only an ongoing river of darkness. It is here that I take a breath and release it along with what I feel and think, here there are no emotions of other swirling about me. The intensity of emotion was thick and painful this night. There fluctuation of it was like being in the middle of the thassa with only a piece of wood to hold you up as a storm raged around you.

As I sat by the fire, various reports had been presented to me on the prospect Karia, these were things I had not expected and they came from people who had no reason to fabricate or embellish. In truth, it sort of stunned me, but yet at the same time I was not really surprised, for I had an in depth discussion with a warrior earlier who told me he wanted to collar her, the only thing that saved her was her naiveness, and while she may present this, I suspect that she is not as innocent as she pretends, for anyone that is would not walk about the camp with an air of seductiveness and do things that no free woman would, her mother would have taught her what to do and not do when you are around men. Even dwellers do that much for they are subjected to the whims of men even more than we are, but ultimately as women we all live with the knowledge we are free because the man allows it and that can change at any time for any reason. She acts like this behavior is natural, it is if you are courting the collar, she does things to have men look at her because her focus in on two men, not just one, she thinks me blind, I am irritated that she went against what I told her, specifically I warned her to not take that path, that her focus should be earning her way into tribe.

Now the prospect can deny things, but I happen to know this warrior wouldn't lie to me of things and would have no reason to. Just as another yet told me that she walked around as if she were a Tuchuk and knew all our ways, refusing to answer questions presented to her indicating she did not have to answer them, this ticked me off more than anything, how dare she refuse someone of tribe anything. There is no way she would know anything given she spent all her life among dwellers, they have tainted her beyond what even I imagined. Does she think pretty stories give her wisdom and knowledge, this is something that she will apologize to the tribe for, that is unacceptable, I told her that her focus was learning to be a Tuchuk and learning of tribe to become tribe. I cannot teach her anything else if she does not even get or understand this, and yet another warrior told me of how she walks around as if she is some powerful spex they questioned if she was one and that when she didn't get her way she would run away all upset. It was also added she acted like a slut. Now she wouldn't be able to have such abilities at such a young age especially when untrained and as scattered and unfocused as she was, she had no desire to learn her clan, she merely wanted to earn her way into some mans furs. And this tells me she has the way of a slave more than the way of a free woman.

I had to think on these things and wonder how to handle it, had it not come from the ones that it did, I would wonder of it, but there was no lies in them, for when lies there are signs they are, and they did not have these things, that and I know that their word holds meaning, they do not say one thing then turn around and break their word. As I thought to these things the prospect surprisingly arrived it is rare that I see her at the main fires. so I would watch.

Cana I knew had some suspicions on this girl, and she spoke of them and as expected the young prospect denied them, I would have been surprised had she owned up to it, I warned her not to lie, but yet she did, guess she didn't know that some of the men had already told me of her actions and words to them. So I knew she was speaking out of the left side of her mouth. Now, I know that Cana was not questioning Ba'atars actions, she was questioning the motives of this girl, and there are times as women our best laid intentions can go all wrong when emotions come into play, everything comes out wrong and we say things in a way we do not mean them to be, the more the girl played the innocent victim the more upset Cana got and when Ba'atar spoke he got the brunt of it, which by his response and hers I knew this was going to go bad.

I stood and walked to Cana and spoke low to her, reminding her to breathe and trust in her mate. But when hurt and anger take root you cannot think clearly, this I understand more than anyone because I have done things myself like that which have resulted in trouble. The prospect I told her that she would apologize to the tribe for her own actions and that she dishonored me as a teacher by her actions, she also dishonored her guardian, her wagons would be moved close to mine per the Ubars words. In this she had no choice, she would be where I could keep an eye on her. And we were in agreement that she would not yet learn the ways of the clan, because she had to learn the ways of the Tuchuk. And how to act as a free woman this would be where we would focus.

She gave a generic apology to the tribe as a whole not what I meant but I will remind her that it is to each member she will apologize, now she can take this as she desires, I warned her she would curse me before it was said and done,I warned her as a prospect it would be hard, and she ran off as if she were the victim, but she accomplished what she set out to from what I see, I am not blind to her as a few others are, and as others are not. She can think people turned on her if that is her desire but that shows me she is blind to her own actions, I never understood these women who do not take responsibility for their own actions yet lay the blame elsewhere.

I have asked my father to teach her how to be a free woman, and I know his lessons are effective. I spoke briefly with Ba'atar he left the fires not particularly happy, and as much as I wanted to spare Cana I knew I could not say anything or interfere this was between them and I hoped that they each would see things from the others perspective. But somehow I knew this was going to be bad, I knew why and understood, but that did not make it easy, they both would be hurting from this. But I had hope that they would find their way thru. It will be hard, but they can find their way as long as they hold onto what it is that they share.

The prospect as not been seen since that night, I will not go searching for her, if she chose to leave then that is her choice, she has only shown that she does not have what it takes to make it. The skies have a way of weeding out the weak ones and redirecting their paths. If the dweller ways call her more than any other then that is where she belongs. Life has a way of doing that.

Sort of like those that think they have the power to curse and wish bad upon others because they cannot see that they themselves have brought about their circumstances, it only comes back on you three fold, I never have to wish ill upon people, they usually do it to themselves but are to blind to see their karma come back and bite them. That is what is even more amusing, to watch them struggle and falter because they do not get it and never will.

The Dance of of Rituals

In the very early morning when the plains are kissed by dawns glistening breath and held in the evenings velvet embrace there is a mystical quality lingering in the air, flowing around and thru me as if it were a part of me. It is here that a few of us come to work as one.

We are some distance from the main camp so that we do not draw attention to ourselves and also so that we are not interrupted by anyone. We do not build a fire as it is not needed as there is enough light from the moons that still watch over us casting a glowing light upon each of us as we create our sacred circle and protect it in ways not seen or known and even now I will not write of it, nor will I write of anything specific so that my oath is not broken by revealing ways outside of the clan. It is out here on the openness of the plains that open ourselves up completely to allow that which we need to know to be seen, it is here that we move about the circle as one, it is here that each of us is truly shown for the beauty within and without, as the grasses kiss our bare feet reaching out to allow us to glide thru the intricate movements and dance that is ours alone, there is an elegance and grace that we each have that brings us together and then pulls us apart as we use the energy to do what is felt. Our voices start out with different tones and melodies and then we all merge as one as if an angelic voice was flowing along the wings of the air, there is something woven within our voices that if heard would also hold inspiration, love and mysticism , when it truth it was more than one but we knew how to become united and bound together, for it required complete trust and love of each other.

If we could have been seen there would have been a picture of divine beauty and feminity that has never been seen before, the power that flowed between each of us was palpable and transcended anything that words could describe, for soon it was hard to tell where one began and the other ended, our smiles were so brilliant it could be blinding, each hand seemed to melt into the other when we touched and turned, the white hides seemed to become light and flowing as it wove about each of us like a ribbon of stardust and moonlight, each strand of hair flowed as if lifted by the winds themselves entwining and interlocking them.

Eventually when we were at the point we needed to be, we would release the energy to the skies and once find ourselves feeling the hard embrace of the ground beneath us, each could feel our lives bursting within our heartbeats thundered like a herd of bosk along the plains, our breath was quick and shallow as if we had run for days. Slowly these things would slow and each would speak of what was felt, seen and heard then we would put it together to see what it was we were to know.

Afterwards we would relax and share food and some water together, enjoying the company of each other before we each departed to our own personal wagons. We each had something we needed to do and we knew none of us could escape what was coming. Nor would we try. For now we would watch.. until it was time.

Prospects and thoughts

I have sat with the prospect who seeks to be a part of the clan. I have grown somewhat wary of prospects for various reasons. But I was curious as to what this one would say, would it be the usual well rehearsed words and phrases that they thought we would want to hear, or would it be the facade they put up as an illusion until they made tribe and then their true colors are revealed. There is one that I am disappointed in but that is an urt of a different color. I think I am disappointed because I did not expect such thoughts. But, I do not know why I am surprised. I do not dwell on it, it does not hurt me for there is no emotional attachment to it. Just disappointment.

I asked various questions of this young girl, she is no different than any other young woman, and being a spex does not make her rare. She is merely different in much the same way I am or as any other haruspex is. She is hardly unique in that we have hundreds of spex among the vast tribe. So then what would make me give her the time of day? Curiosity and to see if she is willing to go the distance to first become tribe. Then to run the gauntlet to become a haruspex. She states she is. But I have warned her that I will not be easy, and before she succeeds she will curse me and even hate me at times before it is all said and done. So if she chooses this path she needs to understand I do not play foolish games and my expectations will be much from her and if she does what is not allowed at the main fires my punishment of her will be swift and harsh. She seems to understand this. I wonder if she realizes that she will be learning for many turnings. If she thinks in a hand or one en'var she will be what she thinks. Then she is in for an awakening.

She told me of her family, she has dweller blood flowing along side the tuchuk blood. Which makes her a half breed according to some. I could see this weighed upon her, but it does not sway wether I will teach her or not, it really has no influence on my decisions for it holds little value to me, because I do not hold with this type of prejudice, I never have. For my father taught me long ago that as long as you had tuchuk blood in you and you followed the ways of the tribe and lived upon the plains you were tuchuk.

It is those that are full blood and choose to be dwellers that are not tuchuk. For if they were they would not think and be as they are, and the skies know we have plenty of validation of this. For there is a so called pure blood that often stuffs her linage down the throats of others to make them feel she is above all tuchuk and better, but is it not funny this same one who once made others feel less than tuchuk be the one who denounced Fonce in public and also trashed and denounced this tribe and chose the ways of the dwellers, the very same one who dishonors her own blood by speaking with a forked tongue and present things in ways they did not happen so that she does not have to take responsibility for her own actions and the fact that she has lied and broken her word. To me that is no tuchuk. So there is the proof that a full blood is not necessarily a tuchuk. I also have to wonder why she would think she would be welcomed with open arms. A few have fallen for her drama and martyrdom syndrome and wonder why she does not live here and feel sorrow for giving up her son. Fact is, the child is not her son, she promised me she would give the child back when the blood family was found. They are found and wish to raise their nephew. End of story she has no rights over blood. She promised to teach the child to be tuchuk and not take him from the plains, she broke that promise as well. The child will be returned to his aunt and uncle to raise as a tuchuk. So if some chose to fall for her ways that is their choice, it tells me all I need to know. To me a person is only as good as their word and when they break it shows only a person of deceit and dishonor and I will never forgive her for how she spoke of this tribe and of how she tore Fonce apart, the Ubar, the warrior, the man . I witnessed it first hand ,No I will not forgive or forget. I am not that compassionate when it comes to the people of this tribe.

I have given the young prospect two tasks, one that is to help her learn the discipline of focus, because she is very chaotic and scattered she has no sense of center, this comes from having no one to teach her, I already know this will not be easy. She may be one of the ones who has little ability and yet she may be one with more, this will be revealed in time. I have told her first she must learn the ways of the tuchuk and prove herself, before I will consider teaching her. Because it is Tribe first then clan and then family. I will not deviate from this like I see others doing. I was firm in this, first she will show me she is worthy of being tribe. She seems to be willing. The second task I gave her was to teach her something of our ways a step to learning .

She has an interest in Ayguili, I tried to redirect her as he has set ideals about half breeds,I explained this to her, and even used my daughter as an example, for she has mamba blood in her, but she has never known many of their ways, only enough to know who her father was and what a great warrior he was, and enough to know her aunt Dina and Uncle Lukas. I did this out of respect and honor to them, because they are a part of her, I cant deny her what is a part of her. But, I have always taught her to be tuchuk, that is how she was raised, there is a part of me that feels insulted by his words to my daughter and how he made her feel she was less than tuchuk, that irks me to no end, for she has shed blood, sweat and tears for the tribe, this is something I will not forget. And yet I have to respect his vow, the reasons I do not yet know. The man does not speak to me unless he has to. And I have heard whispers of things that are of the present and I keep a distance from him, because I am not sure I trust my mouth to not get me in trouble. I see things of him as I watch and listen but I keep those to myself. I once asked to speak to him and he blew me off. I never ask again.

The young prospect speaks of putting her focus on tribe first, but yet I see that part of her that may take him on as a challenge to prove she is just not a half breed. I have encouraged her to keep her focus on being tribe.. not looking for a man. This gives me some concern. I have told her to respect that he has made a vow to someone important to him and it is never good to ask a man to break a vow, that is in effect asking him to dishonor himself. I do not think she really listened I think she will follow what she feels is her destiny . And she must follow what she chooses, what awaits her will be seen, sometimes harsh lessons of life await you. And she must go thru them to grow. Life is not always about love, joy and happiness. You cannot appreciate those fully until you go thru, the deepest of sorrows and hurts of life. And none of these young ones have yet. Though they think they have.

I am watching her. Listening to what others tell me. I have not yet formulated any definite thoughts for now I explore many avenues. But I guide her as I can, perhaps it is that mothering thing in me. I do not yet know. Or is it that I know what it is like to live without a mother . She has memories of her that is a gift. I do know that she has spirit in her, I watched her at the fires in regards to the barbarian slave. But she kept herself in place, that is a good start. There may be hope for her yet... Question is. . . Will she survive me?

A Kassar among Tuchuks

A kassar woman and a stranger seeking to be part of the tribe arrived near our wagons. Now my first thought was how did they survive all the upheaval upon the plains, the weather alone would have killed even the strongest of travelers alone upon the vast plains. I put them up there with the miracle wandering slaves that arrive somehow miraculously surviving the sleens and other hunters of the plains.

But the next thought that rose to surface was hate. It is a deep seated hate of the Kassar that I cannot control I barely can hide it. There was that part of me that wanted to spring from where I sat and rip her throat apart, to watch her blood flow down her flesh. I had the thirst for blood in that moment I wont deny that. The fury and hate that flowed thru me was so strong I could taste it. There is at times some of those old mamba ways come to surface, many don't realize how easy I can remove limbs and devour the flesh, Lochley had sharpened a few of my teeth for that purpose and he taught me their ways, it isn't natural to me but I know them very well. It is rare I think of indulging in some of those ways but at the moment everything that has molded me into who I am now came into play. It was such a strong primal urge that it took all my restraint to remain calm at the fire and not act upon it.

I felt Canas emotions as well, I touched her refocusing my thoughts to keep her calm, if this was not a test of my will I do not know because I more than understood her emotions. I am sure she had some rather interesting thoughts on what to do to the woman as well.

I noticed much of the woman, I wanted to rip those colored beads out of her hair, she was not Tuchuk how dare she even wear the colors of any of our clans. Actually I wanted to remove the hair as well. And she had blue eyes , now that was an added bonus. You know it is interesting how suddenly we have blue eyed plains women arriving in droves upon the plains, from free women to slaves. Is that not kind of interesting, I will have a nice collection I am thinking. I have never seen so many blue eyes upon the plains, perhaps the skies are smiling upon me so I can replenish my stock and I also have to chuckle, because it also happens to be the same color of eyes Ba'atar seems to favor. You know they say when you have so much of something you favor, it begins to lose its allure. Now would that not be ironic.

We used to wager on such in regards to Fonce, because suddenly so many women arrived that claimed the ways of the Spex, even those not of the clan claim to have such ways. We of the clan would sit back and watch in amusement because we know that they cannot do such, kind of like a singer trying to see dreams and visions or know things. I enjoy the humor of the skies and winds at times. Because at that time we and others found these ways revealing of the people who acted them out. And others realized that we of the clan tend to ignore those that make claims. But none the less we find it interesting to watch people make fools of themselves when they are lost in their own ways and think they are impressing the Ubar or others.

I left with Cana from the fires, because the woman's presence was to much for me, I knew I could not trust myself not to kill her very slowly and very painfully. I felt the dark witch within me rise to the surface and struggle to get out, to bestow upon her a reason to fear the Tuchuk, particularly this one. I am no stranger to death, I have embraced that dark embrace many times, I am no stranger to torture, I am my fathers daughter, I lived with assassins for many en'var, I lived among the mamba, yes I know ways of torture that leave men begging for death. That is not saying I know the ways of our torturers for I don't, but I know other ways that prolong the life, the more they scream the more I enjoy it, yes there is that dark side of me, and it is hard to keep it hidden. I fought that part of me that wanted to be released to have full reign and create a bloody carnage. Many think that we as women are weak, and we are physically weaker than men, but with the right circumstance and teachings we can be the most vicious of people. They say there is no more of a dangerous place than between a mother and her child, but also there is no more dangerous place than between a tuchuk woman and her people.

I am not sure what the kassar did to be collared, but I hold no sympathy for her. And she will be reminded that as such all that she was is gone, for when a woman is collared, her name is gone, her family is gone, her clan is gone, all that she was is stripped from her. Though I see many who cling to family and their past, I think many have forgotten what it means to be enslaved. Once that collar touches your neck, who you were ceases to exist. You have a new life, and you can no longer use what you were. That person is gone.

Let the Kassar act up just once.. I want just one reason to rip her apart. The kassar owe me and that payment is blood. I do not forget. I do not forgive. In fact there are some Tuchuks I do not forgive for things they had done, and some I do not forget their words or actions. I forget nothing. And when I turn my back I do not ever let you back in,those are the ones that are dead to me.

So why would I let a kassar live. Why would I be pleasant to one. I don't and wont. So I hope that it does not hold its breath. She is nothing when free.. she is less... collared. Though these thoughts I keep to myself, because I am sure no one would want to know them, because I wont apologize for them.

Although just once I would like to be able to indulge in that dark part of me. But, do I dare, because once I step back into that, could I pull myself back. Could I stop that part of myself that knows no restraint. That is partly why I control myself so well, I know what I can do

The strains continue

The white curtain that blinded us during the journey had become heavier and thicker, the winds would turn into small blades of ice that would rip right thru you, removing any warmth and comfort you had. The howls of the winds would shriek and grip you until you were immobile, this teamed with the influx of snow had not only lay bare some of the bosk in a lifeless heap but it struck down, men, women and children. It caused snow blindness, disorientation and so many other casualties that the people began to feel as if none would survive. But we could not give up.

The ancient one, he did not make it. The Haruspex feel the pain of his loss, but we do not dwell on it not because we do not care but because we cannot, there is too much to do. Many of the old ones are being treated by the healers for frostbite. We do what we can, we falter in this weather. Because it is far stronger than we are, nature has a way of smacking you along side the head to look at life and things around you, to make you realize what is important and what is not.

We all have pulled together to help each other take the steps needed to continue on. We all offer a helping hand with the repair on wagons and the repair of injuries. During this time Cana had become injured as well, I watched as Kaeli worked on her, I sat beside her for a while letting my own energy flow thru her to guide her to a place of comfort. I gave to her what was needed to help her. When she was out of danger and Ba'atar was with her. I went to leave, Now he said something that I am not sure was directed at me. at least I hope it was not as I did not answer it figuring it was for one of the healers. and secondly I know that he wouldn't speak to me in that fashion as if I were some thing he could just use that tone with. I think I will take it as his concern for Cana that gave the edge and that the question was directed to those better able to help her now.

I returned to my wagon. And well I think I just got myself in trouble again, just a bit not a lot. But Garyx when he learned of what I did, he absolutely forbid me to leave the wagon for any reason for a few days. He was upset not because of what I did but because it was so close together for what I did for Ba'atar and he knew that I had used more energy than I should and to close together, I knew he was not punishing me but he was forcing me to rest. And I knew by just that simple spoken command that there was no room for argument, even I know when to not go against him. And I did not want to worry or distract him from things he had to do, if he had to worry that I would disobey then he would be injured. So I gave my word I would not leave the wagon for the specified number of days for any reason. He made sure that lily and father knew as well. So they would not worry.

I wanted to leave as I listened to the winds and the weather, I wanted to go out and help but I stayed put. I heard of the larl's and the injuries, I felt their presence and the battle that raged with them. But I knew to stay put. So I remained in my wagon, although it nearly killed me.. I wanted to be out there. And it was driving me insane to not be out and about.

But, I stayed put. And I knew when he returned to the wagon that night that he was aware of it, after he felt I had sufficiently rested he would let me know that I could be out and about, he thinks I missed that sort of smug smile that I did what he said.. Now who would believe that.

Of crimes and punishment

It would take a few days before Garyx and I would sit down and really talk of things, I think in some ways he did it on purpose. He knows me all to well and knows that I hate the silence of things. There was a time before him that I did not mind the silence. In fact I practiced it often, if I was upset of something I rarely said anything of it to anyone, let alone the person that ticked me off. In fact, I would let it sit inside me and fester and grow into a purulent cocoon that would systemically flow thru my system, slowly devouring any good thought. But again, that was before Garyx.

At one time, I had such an iron control over all emotion and thought that you never really knew what I felt or thought. I on purpose kept people at a distance, each person had a level of closeness they were allowed. To some that made me appear unapproachable, aloof and uncaring. When in fact that was the farthest thing from the truth. I kept people at a distance to protect myself. Everyone experiences pain, loss, sorrow and are forced to walk thru trials of fire in order to grow and become who they are supposed to be. Some never really experience these things, they may lose a loved one like a father and mother and feel as if they are broken and shattered. Some may be injured in some fashion and feel as if they were the only one to have pain, and another may be betrayed and feel that they have suffered the greatest injustice there has ever been rendered. And for them, these things are true,valid and sincere. For the skies only give what you can handle. Even when we think they have pushed us beyond our endurance they challenge to find more of ourselves.

There were times in my life when I really wished to die, when I felt I could not get up again to go on. If I close my eyes I can still see myself lying in the middle of the viscous murky puddle of darkness. I can see my bones bleached to whiteness stripped of flesh, a hollowness drilled within the center of my being. It is a familiar place that holds all the sorrows and the pains of life, the betrayals and deaths. Everything that can destroy a person physically,mentally and emotionally are there. I have been in that place many times, for most of my teen age life and most of my adult life I have lived there. Alone, with no one to offer that hand to life me up or guide me. There were times when I crawled upward from the tenacious grip of those depths, striving to break the hold it had on me, with each struggle a part of me broken,shattered, my blood would flow profusely leaving me near the edge of death, and yet, somehow I never gave up, though I was a heap of shredded flesh and bone, I managed to get back up, refusing to dwell in the self pity and weakness that I could have. I would take the steps no matter how humiliating or hard it was to walk onward. How could I just give up and whine of all the wrongs done, how could I dwell in self pity wearing it like a badge of honor. I could not, and did not. I am not only my fathers daughter, but I am also a Tuchuk woman. And we are far from weak. We do not know what it means to give up on anything or anyone.

There are times I wish I could get back to that place for I had control of my emotions, I could hide myself there. But, for the most part I am glad I cannot, the reason I cannot, is Garyx. For one I know he would not allow it, but the main reason is because of all that we have shared together and endured together has stripped away some of those layers. There is still much to remove but we do not rush, for time has no meaning. He has proven many times over that I can trust him beyond all measure, I can put my life in his hands and he will cherish and protect it. And he has, had it not been for him the kassar on the last journey would have killed me, I saw that part of him that was like a raging kur as he fought them, that loss of control that allowed only the focus of death. I have seen the gentleness of him and the look upon his face as he helped deliver his first child, a son. I saw his expression when he held him.. I also see everyday his heart and the depth of the love we share. And yet he has the strength to do what is needed when I do something I should not. It is a choice I know I make when I go against something , but usually I make it with a lot of thought and weigh if the outcome, and consequence is worth it, this time I did not. I merely reacted. I know why. But I wont use that as an excuse or crutch for my actions. Because I of all people know better.

These are things he knows, and he uses things that he knows will affect me. To someone else it may not seem as if it is anything much, but he knows exactly what he is doing. There are times he does not have to say a word and I know just by the look or the body language. Then there are times it is just how he says just one word, usually my name. And I know, he has learned over the turnings how to handle me, he knows what will get to me. He knows exactly what will reach in and rip out my very soul. Just as he knows how to calm me and comfort me. And this night was no different, he was not his usual self even in the privacy of our wagon. I felt all that weighed upon him and swirled within him. I did not blame him. We spoke of many things. Our thoughts and feelings, he did what was needed and I had done what was needed and expected as well, when all was said and down I found myself in the warm embrace of his arms. Where I belonged, I knew all would work out and I knew all would be as it should. More importantly, I knew that this was yet but another strand of understanding and depth added to us.

It will be a long time before I tempt fate like that again.

Taking Responsibility

To say that the night was exhausting mentally, emotionally and physically would be an understatement. And as much as I wanted to wallow in self pity and embarrassment I didn't, I forced myself up and prepared the morning meal for Garyx as he prepared to go out on a hunt and see what all he needed to do. I know that he was not happy that he did not have his command he was used to doing a few things a certain way. It was that burden of guilt that this was my fault that weighed heavily on my heart, and he gave me a look that clearly said not to take the whole thing on myself. Yea, okay as if that will make it so.

I suppose for as much wisdom and knowledge as I have gained over the turnings, and the mellowing of some of those reckless and rash days that I had when younger have passed , it is also the knowing that all of us falter in some things from time to time, and it is how we handle them that means the most, not what we did or not do . It would be easy to shift the blame elsewhere and not take responsibility as I have watched some do. It would be easy to fall into a lump of quivering flesh and cry and beg as I have also seen many do, using tears and womanly ways to try and escape the wrath of a warrior. But that simply wasn't me, I knew right and wrong, I always held a rigid standard for myself when it came to honor and trust. Fact is, the way I did what I did was what was wrong not what I thought or felt. I will not deny this nor will I take it away from the warriors as being meaningless or nothing. I knew what was coming and I knew my mate would take care of it today just as I knew what was expected of me, we would get thru this and we would move on from this, we both knew this. It was a part of life and we would not dwell on it longer than was needed.

I rode along the wagons most of the day never once venturing from mine, I kept to myself most of the day mostly because I knew that I was tired and still not yet myself, I knew to encapsulate myself for a while. Once I felt more like myself I then sought out Sef. I asked to speak with him, and as I did I noticed Jai and Ba'atar sparring and I wanted to say something but I did not, that damn man was he undoing everything I did, did what I do have so little meaning that he would just destroy it, If he did it would be his own ass to suffer because I couldn't help again so soon. But again, I was keeping my thoughts to myself. And such would remain in effect to a certain point. Once more I would keep myself behind those walls that kept me from getting into trouble.

I spoke with Sef for a while I gave my apologies to him I did not offer excuses and told him as much, he accepted it and he knew that trust would not be easily given to him, he acknowledged how he has been in the past , aware that many of us have seen it, I asked a few questions and he gave the answers including to why he always left. I understood his answer. The skies have given him another chance, and it will be up to him what he does with it. I did not ride back to the main fires with him as I did have things to finish and I also knew that I had my mate awaiting me, and it is never wise to make a warrior wait when he is already not pleased with you. My father did not raise a fool.

Falling into yet another pool of trouble

I had joined the others at the fire, taking my place by Garyx, I was listening to the discussion about the fires and I found myself with an influx of thought. I was watching Sef and surprised to see that he was suddenly embraced by everyone as if he were this warrior that has done great things for the people, after one battle, when others have repeatedly given their blood, sweat and tears on a daily basis for this tribe, both man and woman alike,I felt a surge of irritation and fury rush thru me in a way I cannot and still wont put into words because I cannot, I found myself following that pull to open my mouth and ask questions, which were logical contrary to what others think,I do not sit and agree with things simply because someone says to regardless of who they are and everyone knows this of me, however, I never ever speak openly at the main fires my thoughts. Until now.

I found questions and thoughts flowing from my mouth before I could stop them, one battle makes the man loyal. Have they forgotten how he comes and goes like a revolving door over the plains, never once have I seen him be loyal to the warriors of this tribe or even make an effort to be a part of this tribe, yes, that anger began to seep out in my words and tone I could feel it and there was that part of my brain saying, shut up Tarra you know better, but there was that other part of me that said hell no, I am speaking my mind as is my right. Guess which side won out.. yep, the side that I knew was going to get me in so much trouble that it would not be funny , well, if I am going to get into trouble, I sure make it good.

I could hear Ba'atar and it was assimilating in my mind just about the time Garyx said my name, that tone I knew and felt, it was like cold water thrown across me and at that time I said nothing more. Skies above I knew just by that one word I was in for it and I would not deny it or make excuses, I knew just what occurred, though inside I was absolutely horrified, of what I just did, but I would not reveal such to anyone, oh no there was that rigid pride that would not allow me to back down or cower pathetically before anyone, I would not ask for pity or make excuses. What was done was done I would take the punishment that he would give and we both knew it. It took all my control to not snap at Ba'atar as he kept needling me, I went to leave but damn it if Garyx did not give that show of authority and keep me in place now he was starting to irritate me with that but I remained silent. After a while he finally let me go, and Ba'atar just doesn't know when to stop either sometimes, and I told him not to hold his damn breath, oh yea, that was the bitch in me coming out, a glimpse of the darker side of me was emerging and I was struggling to contain it as I left.

I went to our wagons and waited, as I sat there I could feel so much rush thru me and I had no way to release it, I knew it had to pass on its own, all these thoughts and emotions were like a hurricane within me wanting to just burst out, but I had to grasp them and control them before I did or said something that would make things worse, at the same time I knew that the effects of what I did earlier were woven thru everything as well but I would never use that as a crutch. As I tried to calm myself and prepare for the night the sudden rush of pain was expanding thru my body with such a ferocious intensity that I could not contain the scream of pain that convulsed thru me, I barely noticed that Chulunn and Odval were beside me until I felt the warmth of their hands, now they did for me what I usually do for them, it would take some time before the brunt of it would pass and I could tolerate the rest, when they were satisfied they left and returned to the clan to tell them of how it was progressing, during this time I found id difficult to breathe, it was if I were suffocating and for a while the events at the fire were the farthest thing from my mind, and so it began the gift that I gave to Ba'atar would now embrace me for many ahns.

When Garyx returned he was more furious than I have ever seen him, I do not know why Ba'atar stripped him of all of his command to me that is a bit extreme but I said nothing, nope my thoughts were not going to be revealed even if it killed me. I knew what Garyx said in his words and I know that others do not always understand what he is saying, I knew by what the said that he was saying he would punish me in his own way not in the way that Ba'atar wanted while I had a certain valid logic, he was correct it was how and when I did it that was wrong. I also know that others were whispering things that they should have stayed out of , never fails others have to add fuel to the fire, and I know exactly who whispered what. I knew that Garyx was not saying he would not follow orders of the Ubar and that the whispered words of treason were ridiculous, surely people are not that blind, Garyx has proven himself more than once, he has endangered himself more than once to protect the people, he was saying that his punishment to me was in his hands and would be done in his way, along with afew other things that I understood, I wonder if anyone really got what he said.

I would not cower from what Garyx needed to do, this was the second time since we have been together that he has been truly angry at me but this time so much more. He had the presence of mind to also know something else was going on and he asked what I did, while I could not reveal to him specifics which he understood because he knew there were many things I could not share, not that I liked secrets and I never kept things from him unless it was clan related and he understood and respected this he accepted it as such and never tried to force me to go against my clan. That was one of the things I loved about him he accepted all parts of me good bad and otherwise.

He did ensure that I knew that the punishment would be rendered when I felt better and that I would not be forgetting it, I understood this and I did not plead for mercy or less than what was right, I also knew as a man he would do what was needed no matter how deeply he loved me , he would make sure the lesson was learned.

Just because I understood did not mean I had to like it, but then isn't that the point of punishment.

He would sit awake with me for the ahns that would pass trying to alleviate what I was going thru but he could not, but it helped that he was there to hold me and give me the strength I needed, he was worried I could tell, but I assured him it would pass, I do not think he was so sure, in fact I saw him lose his color a few times when he thought me unaware, I think he thought he was going to lose me, I did not tell him that in truth a few times I came close to such happening, this is why we rarely did this, because of this danger. I also knew the clan was doing their part to help I could hear the sound of a few drummers that we utilized for various things, the rhythm and beat was unusual and most knew that it was for something specific even if they did not understand it. If we endured this then it was because it was for someone we held in high regard and respect and cared deeply about. In addition to that I could not bear to see Cana's pain, for them both I allowed this.

Garyx was the only other person I have done this for.

It starts out good . . .

When all had settled, and we began our journey once more, it was no surprise our warriors thought they should and could be up the next day doing what they usually do. Now, you know I have to wonder if they are so wise in other things why are they so damn stupid when it comes to this. They fight you tooth and nail when it comes to making them rest to heal. The healers at this time of things are already frustrated with them and want to knock them all out and who can blame them, because they think they know better. Men sometimes are a few stone shy of a full load.

And I think Ba'atar is probably the more stubborn of them all, next to a few other ones that will remain nameless the kailla asses. I spoke with Cana and Kaeli on how they were doing, what concerned me was how they described Ba 'atars breathing especially at night and how his hand in his sleep goes to his chest, but there was no whistling and no gurgling of blood to which was a great relief to all, I asked her if she minded if I tried to help. I might know much of healing but I never step on clan toes, I respect them to much to do so. If asked I will always offer my aide or suggestions this they all know. Kaeli and Cana both gave me the okay to help.

I prepared for what I was going to do in my mind, it was something I rarely offered to do for anyone, because of the danger to myself and of what it cost me to do it. The skies give the sign as to when such is allowed and it is not known outside of the clan that this occasionally can be done, and it is never done without the clan elders discussing it. Only one other have we done this for in the tribe. I asked Ba'atar when he joined us if he would let me look at the chest wound. He agreed only if I wouldn't do any poking or prodding, this I found funny, I knew then that Kaeli had been looking for bone fragments and that did not feel good to the recipient.

I took him to my wagons and asked him to sit, then I tried to have him relax as best he could and close his eyes, you know men always seem to like to resist some things and have their mind set on what they want to think or say, sometimes they have to relinquish that and just accept certain things. Warriors always have to be so difficult. Eventually he did relax, I examined the thoracic area of his chest both anterior and posterior listening carefully to each breath and how his heart beat, I allowed the skies to guide my hands and thoughts. I knew that he could feel what I was doing and I warned him so that he would not be taken by surprise, I explained to him this is why I rarely let anyone touch me without me knowing before hand, I was one of the empaths of the clan, it was one of my specialties so to speak, it allowed me to take from him the symptoms he had and would allow for a quicker healing, but only if he did as I asked. Of course he argued, I compromised that some things he could do but he was not to be fighting or lifting heavy things he would undo all that I just did. He agreed to the willow bark and antibiotics, for his hand.

After that we returned to the main fires, I was going to retire and I should have because I knew that I would have little control over my thoughts and emotions, I could already feel some of the arrogant aggressive traits coming to surface, but I figured it would pass and Garyx was at the fires I wanted to spend time with him and others, even if I was tired.

Second mistake of the week. I should have listened to that voice that said, Tarra go to your furs and sleep.

But, did I? No.

The day of Battle

The day of battle came rather quickly,many a woman would be helping her warrior prepare for event, and the air held expectations, excitement and so many other emotions. Sometimes it is a double edged sword for women, we are proud of our men for their courage and honor. But yet at the same time there is that fear that settles in the pit of your stomach of them not returning, because no matter how confident we are we are also realist, we know that some men will die on the battle field and some will survive their injuries only to die upon their return. It is a familiar sight for some of us and I know for others this is their first time going thru it.

Garyx is no exception I know that he is just as excited about this, the rush of adrenaline that will touch him he looks forward to the way his heart and blood rush with the thought of victory over the Turians, the gleam in his eyes that all warriors get as they prepare. I do not let on that I also worry if he will return or not , there are no tears and no words that would bring anything negative to him, only the positive that he will return and they will be victorious over the Turians, he knows that this is not the spex talking because all know I will not give an outcome of any battle or who will live or die, because to reveal this would only cause them to try and change what is already written in the skies. I can only give my blessing and encouragement. Though that did not mean I would not hold him tighter to me than I usually would when he left , inhaling his scent and listening to his heartbeat that beat so close to mine almost as if one. No weakness would be shown not even from a Tuchuk woman. I would only smile and speak of my love for him and of course to tell him to beat the hell out of those Turians and show them why they should still fear the mighty Tuchuk warriors. That of course brought that rare smile to his lips. For each of us if things were to go bad that is what would be etched upon our hearts and minds. That last glimpse of each other.

All to soon he was off with the others, in place was the commander who spoke with an authority that only came from age and experience. Father did not take part in this battle, he had already shown the Turians they could be defeated, he said it was time for the young ones to do this one he would protect the wagons with others. I understood his words. He wanted the young warriors to do this without being compared to him, but I am sure the next time he will ride with him, I could see that he really wanted to be in that fray.

I stood with him out on the plains listening to the sounds of the night from where we were you could hear the war cry of the tuchuks echo in the air, the ferocity of it made me smile, yes, the ground would have its thirst quenched tonight. The grasses would embrace rivulets of blood to shimmer in a cloak of crimson. The ground seemed to vibrate with the battle, the sound of blades singing in the air drifted all around the plains, arrows hissed in the air, all the sounds of battle played like a symphony. Father asked me a question as we listened, I spoke the answer to him softly and I saw that smile of pride rush across his scarred face. I could see that he was pleased and proud of our young Ubar and the commanders and warriors that fought out there. "The injured are being brought back" I stated to him, it was then we each moved closer to the wagons to help where we were needed, he would direct who would be taken where a she knew that Cana and Kaeli would be awaiting news, they along with Falon and Silk would be waiting to tend the injured, times like this all the people banded together to help where needed as all Tuchuk were taught from a young age simple first aid in order to help with the wounded after battle. we as a people knew what it took to survive, just as we the people knew we could not survive without each other.

The night would be long as we all worked to take care of everyone, I did not make it to the main fire where we had camped but I had been kept updated by some of the slaves how each of the men were doing, and how Cana and Kaeli were doing given their men were injured severely. I took note of many things and I spoke to Odval softly as I headed to my wagon late into the night, there was something I wished to do for them but it would take time and thought, she nodded and would speak to the others. I would pause to check on Batukahn , so far he was unchanged but it was only a matter of time.

I checked on Garyx wounds and saw the fine job that was done on his care, he teased that they were taking wagers on if I would remove them and redo them. He had enough of my signature marks on him and not everyone had those, father had one. Fonce had one and Garyx had three.

All was good in the world, the Tuchuks were victorious.