Mud and emotions

Once the bosk disappeared we were able to continue on with the trail, there was so much mud about that I began to feel as if we were creating molds of ourselves along the trail. As I walked along the wagons I could feel my feet slide along the ground nearly losing my balance several times, within a few ahns I was covered with mud from my feet to my head, every now and then I would help the men Cana sent me to push on the wheel of my one wagon, it creaked and groaned threatening to shatter and crumble into a thousand pieces.
But it did not as we traveled the air held the screech of a kaiila as they stumbled a few I feared would not survive, a few bosk I heard their blood curdling yells as they were injured, wagons were stopped mid way as they got stuck or broke. We moved slow.

As I walked I heard Seveya behind me and I smiled to her as she neared, before to long Fonce joined us as well. While we walked and talked of the benefits of mud and bosk dung for the skin, something sounded wrong and it gave me the strangest sensation, it had nothing to do with being a spex, it was just something sounded wrong, when you travel enough you know how a wagon should sound, how a kaiila sounds and the bosk you know when something is off, I turned and yelled at Fonce to move, just as he heard me came the ear shattering splintering of a wagon wheel near him, Kai faltered and fell, and I watched as Fonce also fell to the ground, in that moment I felt a fear wash thru me as I pushed Seveya clear, catching a glimpse of Asria and Lei nearing as well, sometimes things happen so fast and yet so slow that it is captured in your mind.

Kai was able to get up and both were not fatally harmed for which I was glad to see, Asria and Seveya helped me with the injured driver, they did well but you could see the pallor pull at them from the wound, his leg was broken and cut thru the flesh, I set the bone and wrapped it after cleaning it and sent him to the healers. We continued on the trail, everyone with a different conversation, I watched Asria with Fonce, it was not hard to recognize that she had feelings for him. I am not sure but I think Seveya may also be attracted to him, but I am not sure if she is as intent on this path or if she is just getting her feet wet, though I see frustrations within her, the fact she has no ring I think is frustrating along with the pain of the loss of her father, there is nothing I can say that will make her feel better, but I gave her a gift that I hoped would give her strength and the knowledge that we are all here. I really can offer any of them the right words to make life easier, because ultimately while I can lend a hand and a shoulder of support, I can listen and guide, in the end it is up to them what they chose.

Asria was frustrated with Fonce and when he departed I talked with her, she opened up with her thoughts and emotions, the dream she had and her thoughts on a warrior names Serge, I held her as she cried and let her get it out, when she was finished, I gave her a few thoughts, I think that she should speak clear and plain to Fonce, to tell him what she feels of this warrior, it is not my thought that he is the one for her and I sense and uneasiness, there is something about him and while I have never met him, I can gather an impression. She speaks of how she perceives things Fonce does, well I can not speak for him nor will I speak of things I know of him from talking to him in the past and of observations, it is not my place, but I did say that he does has his reasons for how he sees and feels things, reasons to not trust women. I did not say anything specific or personal if he wants to share he will. I do remember seeing how he was when he finally had his heart touched and captured, I also have seen in him the pain of the loss of it, it is not hard to recognize when you have lost someone you love like a mate, regardless of how they leave, thru death, or abandonment or if taken away. The loss is still felt the same. She is determined in touching his heart, and she is determined to prove she is not like others, I have seen and heard that same thought and words before. I wonder if he had also. But I would not discourage her from what she felt was right, I would only encourage her to speak true and clear, because lets face it, men do not do well with any thing less, you have to speak it plain, blunt and to the point. They see with logic and in black and white, women see with emotion and in shades of black and white. I hope in some way I offered her comfort or help.

I was glad to see Cana join us later in the evening, I enjoy the company of everyone, there was much joking about the tuchuk skin treatment, imagine the trade we could do with this if dweller women thought they would remain youthful and beautiful. You know, I think I will talk to Cana about this idea. If only they knew what was in that mud to give such clear, youthful skin, and with the way it has covered me my entire body should be youthful.

I have never seen so much mud, and I swear I can taste it,I do not think my hair even looks black any more it looks a bit on the grey side. What I would not give to be able to take a dip in the stream and get clean, but not for some time, we are moving longer than usual,there is to be no rest for a while, already I hear my body protesting that.

I am beginning to dislike mud.. it sucks, literally

So comes the storm

There is a charge in the air with an oncoming storm that I can feel, as if life suddenly surges thru every blood vessel and every cell of my body, it is an awakening in which there are no words to describe, it comes from many years of losing myself in what I am, with many years of practicing certain disciplines that could heighten my awareness and senses with a mere shift of thought of my mind.

There was a time that I had to force myself how to channel various energies, and how to read numerous signs because sometimes a sign is not a sign, and some times it is, Sometimes a young person can get so caught up in the wanting to find signs that we often fail to see that a blade of grass on that day is very much just a blade of grass. We all dabble in all the things that we can do that we want to reach out to grasp them all and then we become so scattered that we lose sight of ourselves, and often have embarrassing results.

I think at times that is why I enjoy watching, because if I were not I would miss all the interesting things that happen in life. It is with that thought that I rode out along the plains, glad that the beast I had was as dark as night,glad that Garyx had made for me black leathers and a vest, I slipped along my upper arms the armbands that the elders had gifted me when they welcomed me as one. The ebony hair was loosely braided and woven with beads and colorful ribbons, along my skin was drawn various designs of the elements. I watched thru the curtain of clear liquid the lightening that danced along the sky, I could already feel as if it were a part of me and it was not even close, this storm was powerful. The rivers of water would rape the ground and leave it soft and vulnerable.

I dismounted and moved along the plains until I was in the place where I felt grounded, outstretching my arms and lifting my hands to the sky I lifted my face to it darkened hues, there is a ferocious beauty that is there when a storm, it moved with a vicious intent, to explode and plunder and decimate anything in its path, the bolts of lightening were powerful, electric and in each strike you could see the liquid hot fire. Many feared storms, I never have, I have embraced them, wanted them, walked with them and become one with them, it exhilarates me and makes me feel alive in a way I can not explain in words. I could feel that tingling along my skin slowly delving deep within me. I could feel much flow thru me and from me, almost as if it reached within me and ripped out the part of me that was stagnant and festering. Burning from within me layers of pain and hurt that I have been holding yet still deep within my heart.

When it was finished I was left standing as if on another plane, the energy surged and rushed like a tumultuous wave. I would remain in the pouring rain as it now seemed to come down as if someone let the waves of the thassa flow over the plains. Interesting enough I felt tears along my cheeks, but they were not tears of sadness or sorrow, they were tears that come when you find or feel something so profound or so beautiful that it moves you to those emotions.

The plains sing a magnificent song, the plains play a seductive melody, the plains reveal all they want you to see and know when you are meant to.

This is one time, when age is a beautiful thing, for what I saw others will not experience for many turnings, perhaps that is the skies way of guiding me along my path in a new direction.

I feel the love of life flicker in the shadows of my heart, I feel the warmth of love of family and friends. I find the peace within myself and I welcome the new chapter in my life.

Life is a never ending circle, no beginning and no end. It is good to be a tuchuk woman.

We are a unique breed of woman. Be afraid. Very afraid.

A moment to catch up. . or try to

The days roll by one behind the other cascading and folding into each other and the trail has had its usual share of hazards and difficulties, not that this is new, after so many of them you are more worried if there were no obstacles or something occurring on the trail than you are of what you expect to happen. I have not really had time to write, so that leaves me behind on many thoughts and occurrences, to summarize would not do them justice and yet to not write of them seems to not give them value, and each person has a value to life. Every thought has importance even if it is to purge your soul and let you heal, or if it is to give you the answer to a thought or put things in perspective, everything has relevance no matter how big or small, no matter if positive or negative, because sometimes you can work thru a negative emotion and roll along its turbulent ways only in the end to come up with an insight you did not expect.

The rains had come slowly at first, coming in hints and of a foreshadowing glimpse of what was to come, eventually the ground was rewarded with a gentle caress of water but initially not enough to make a great impact or quench the thirst of the plains, that would come a few days later in a way that would make an impression for quite a few days. It was good to see the grass flourish and become richer in color, the fragrance of the rain and grass mingled to hang heavy in the air, the laughter of the children would ring around the wagons as they danced in glorious pageantry, It was during this time that I noticed a red feather painted on my wagon, I had not noticed it before as it was not in any place that was conspicuous, I wondered of it for a moment as I studied the detail, then I smiled realizing who it was from the why I was not yet sure of but I knew when the time was right I would learn the answer.

For a few days my time by the fires was brief and short as there was much to do that kept me busy,oddly enough I find myself more tired than usual, I think it is because I am doing more than I normally would do, some of it is mostly out of habit, I know I have fallen back into some old habits now that I am alone, I find I no longer mind the loneliness it has become a familiar companion, dependable and never changing. While I move on with life and at times I feel the heaviness of the struggle to step past that all encompassing shadow of what was and what could have been, I have my moments where my emotions get the better of me and I cry myself to sleep, it could be a milestone in the youngest sons life and his father is not there to share in them and beam with pride, it could be something that stirs a memory that suddenly comes alive with an intensity that shocks me.

Sometimes watching the prospects set their sites on young warriors and begin their journey of learning of love and life it brings about a conflict of thought and a touch of envy, I remember how it feels to feel those things and yet I feel the pangs of the loss of it in a way that leaves me feeling hollow and cold. And yet at the same time I watch them sometimes with amusement as manage to accidentally do things that remind me of young foals finding their legs, I hope that in their desires to find love that they do not lose sight of what at the moment is a priority and that is proving themselves. I offer advise when it is asked and have found myself at times in a position to listen and let them release their emotions, there are some things I cannot make better, but I can offer to them the guidance to not give up and to know that they are not alone.

The bosk has been blocking our path for several days, I have taken this time to work with my youngest son on perfecting his skill with the quiva, he has done exceptionally well, not that I am surprised his father taught him everything about riding and weapons since before he could walk. I am very proud of my youngest son, he has a focus in him that is often lost in young children, his father had that quiet focus, it is good to see such in him, though sometimes it is quite painful when he looks at me with those vibrant green eyes, they are so much like his that it takes me off guard.

I think back to a discussion I had with Fonce on the reading of the weather and also on the storm, I was not sure if he was ready or not for what I was thinking of showing him, his answers about the elements clued me in that he may not yet be ready, while he has stepped into much, I did not really get a solid confirmation that he was yet ready, and I would never knowingly risk him harm by subjecting him to something he is not ready for. When I asked him of the elements that the was pulled to I am not sure he really understood what I asked, I could be wrong but the feeling I got was that while he knows them he does not truly know them in the way you need to in order to harness their power, I think that he fights them for reasons I don't yet know and he does not share, I am not one that has his ear or his confidence, and given our rocky history that is understandable and I do not think less of him for it, in time who knows what may or may not occur.

I think though if he were to truly understand the ones he is connected to he would understand more of himself, just like the young Mezoo, by her answer of the elements I know that she is connected to one, not all, while she may work with each as every spex does, she does not have the ones drawn to her that would bring her to be one of the ones that are part of them all in a way that comes together to create a storm, I knew that by how she answered. However, the one that she is drawn to and is connected to now that is very much her, from what I have observed, there are interesting things for her to be gifted with once she learns more of herself and the clan,if she wishes to learn of things I will give answers but I wont overstep any boundaries as I know Fonce is her mentor.

Perhaps they will learn the meaning of the elements together, that would be an interesting night of education,one that I would actually enjoy and in the process that they might learn that fire is more than a flame, and water is more than a liquid substance just as air is more than just the moving of the winds, within each of them there is an attribute that we draw on and a single thing bound to each of them. There is so much each of them that I see in the elements they spoke of, I see the strength of the elements in them. One day they may seek me out to understand all aspects of these things, when they do all else will come easier to them for in everyday life we use all the elements separately. Noelani I have yet to see what she chooses, however I have always thought and still think Fonce may yet be the next one that is a part of all elements in the literal sense and I have spoken to the other elders , and I had confirmation by the answer to my question. I find out things by simple means. Perhaps the next storm he may be ready. But as always we watch for now to see how things turn out for each of them in all aspects of their life.

This trail has revealed so much of people so far, the web of life is weaving and entwining connecting each of us to each other on some level . So it is the way of the people of the plains to be connected to each other, so that together we stand strong and proud. There is no one person above another. There is no one person better than another.

To remain strong we must remain true to our ways to teach the young why the grass and water is important, why the bosk is revered, why we do not pick the grass, why it is important to a warrior to earn his name and the importance of never taking a warriors name in vain or abuse it, why it is important to earn the scar of courage, why a free woman earns her nose ring and when, and so many other things that make the life of a tuchuk the life of a tuchuk. This is the responsibility of all of us to ensure we remain strong by teaching and guiding, and to keep the taint of the dwellers from the plains and to keep it wild, free and untamable just like the tuchuk free woman that a warrior mates.

We are more than we appear.
We know more than we reveal


We Tuchuks know of many things..... .......... of more than we tell." Nomads of Gor pg 344

Arkus, the youngest son and life

Each day draws us closer to the southern camp but yet in some ways it feels like it is further away than usual. We have been delayed by a bosk right in the middle of the trail, unusual and it has lead to much speculation as to why, my thought is, there is a reason we are not yet supposed to trek across the plains, the sky has us in a holding pattern so to speak, it could be if we reached a certain point in a certain time then something may have happened that would be detrimental, or it could be that there is a reason we are to rest here, there are so many reasons but this is the strongest one I feel out of many that float about, the bosk will move in his time and when it is the right time for us to continue on, it has given me time to work on many things.

Arkus rode up to check on me a few times, I am not sure why, he just had this thoughtful look to him at times it is was almost inquisitive, he would stare into my eyes as if searching for an answer and then would only ask if I was alright. I had to wonder what was under his skin, sometimes he can be as still as a deep tranquil lake, and other times as open as the vastness of the skies, something was on his mind, but what I was not sure for he was not revealing it, in that I would have to admit he got from not only his father but also me, and my tendency to keep much of myself hidden from public view,I assured him I was alright, there was nothing I had need of in a material sense not that such was important to me any way, and I had already sent to Ba'atar and Cana any extra water and food that I had as well as making sure the elders had extra hides and food as well. I knew that what we sent over for use by the tribe would be distributed to those in the most need, he gave me strange look as if he wanted to say something but he changed his mind. There is that part of him that is like how Shi is, he stands behind a wall of silence and yet you can clearly see there is something swirling and twirling about, I had hoped he would not develop such, but it appears he has, I get the feeling he is concerned about me or he has a thought on something regarding me, I cannot be sure for there is to much flowing beneath the surface to define it, I am sure he will speak of it or at the very least he will reveal things to his mentor,I think that men like women tend to relate to each other better.Then out of the blue he asked a question I had not expected, "Mother are you sure you are alright?" He almost sounded a bit over protective, now is that not a switch, I thought I was the parent, but children have a way of trying to switch roles, especially men, he reminded me in that moment of Loch and it was odd to me that I did not realize it sooner, that history was repeating itself, I have never had history repeat itself like this, I have had similar thing occur in regards to men and relationships until I wised up to a few thing, but this, this was different. Lochlan was only seven turnings when his father Lochley died, he was determined to be the man, the one to take care of me and his sisters. And my youngest son is the same age going thru the same thing, and here I am again, alone raising a young warrior. I am not sure what meaning this had if any. But it was more than coincidence, because I do not believe in coincidence, everything happens as it should and when it should. But it is a strange thing to experience that haunting deja vu feeling and feel as if I am reliving my past again. And now I see that same look in Arkus's eyes, although he is considerably older and beginning his own life, there is no need for him to feel he has to take care of me, I am no burden I never have been and I sure won't start now. "Mother have you always been so strong, I have seen others break under less." he sounded as if he had seen so much, and while he had seen things, there is much he does not yet know, I sometimes think that I on some level he expected me to be broken like some are, withdrawn and unable to keep coherent thought, I could see his concern about this journey to the southern camp, because of the life changing events that have touched us all, I do not think he realizes that I have survived many life altering situations, some far worse than this last one though none have been quite as painful and in truth it has almost broken me but I refuse to crawl into the abyss and cower like some sniveling coward.

Though some days did I want to, oh defiantly, I wanted to curl up in a fetal position and give into those emotions, I wanted someone to hold me while my world shattered, but reality is, there is no one to do that and there never has been, I cant break, I cant just give up and into these things, it isn't in me to do so,I have to live, I am a tuchuk woman, life is precious, I have helped give life, I have given life, I have helped to take life and have taken life from others. My cracks and breaks are hidden under the guise of living. I took in a breath and watched him, " Life makes us strong, we find out how strong we truly are when we have no choice but to be strong." I would answer honestly. I could see him digest that and think up on it. "Do you even know how to give up and indulge in hysteria and tears?" he asked in an amused tone. This to was a surprise coming from him, I was not sure what was driving it, but I always answered things honestly when asked, "No," I would state simply, "To give up is to let go of all that is important in life, and life is to precious to waste." He would stroke his chin, that was a new trait I had not seen in him before, he was silent for a few, also a new trait I had not seen but there was also an inner strength, confidence and so much more beginning to emerge from within him. Although I sometimes I almost get the impression that he and my other children wished I were less independent and weaker of mind and spirit, I think they want to feel that they are needed that they can do something for me, and while I will always need them for they are of my flesh and of my blood. " I have never been prone to hysterics, perhaps I am how I am because your grandfather raised me, and he did not allow for me to be some weak, clingy, coddled woman, he also made sure I knew how to use my mind, though because I am a woman it is often overlooked." There are time when what someone says hurts me deeply but they take it as being an emotional woman, if they really looked and listened they would see that what I get upset about is usually something I take deeply personal when it comes to respect, even women have honor and courage. I get upset when someone thinks that I am lacking intelligence and the ability to understand things that only warriors know, well this is not true, would they not be surprised at the things I do know, I could see the flicker of thought in his eyes, he knew not to even pull the I am man you are woman routine because he knows full well no matter how old or young my children are they find out damn quick I am the mother, and it does not matter if they are male or female, or that they are bigger than me they find themselves quickly brought down, as a mother I demand a certain amount of respect I do not every tolerate less, and I knew he realized it, sometimes words were not needed. He would then nod and begin to ride towards the other outriders, then he stopped and turned around and gave one of those rare smiles that he gives, and if the young women saw that they would melt, skies help me when he starts to take a serious interest in one that will be a mate to him, if he gives that smile they will be lining up at the wagons. "Garyx was right." I lifted a brow, "About?" I would inquire, "That when a person really looks into your eyes they can get lost in them and see the true you within them, there is much that you give to people. I never understood what he meant until now. I see now why he was proud to have you as his woman. And why I am proud and honored to have you as my mother" Then with that he was gone, though his words left me momentarily speechless, I had not expected it, but it was nice to hear that from him then I would smile, for in his way he complimented me not as his mother but as a woman of the tribe, I think he begins to learn that there is always more than what is readily seen if you but open your eyes, I think he is learning much and one day will grow into a great warrior. He was growing into his own with an assurance that surprised even me, perhaps I did something right with him and his sister, though Hallie, skies help me that is my wild child.

Father merely laughs, and only says now I know how it feels. I do seem to recall a few of those races and other antics that ended up with me being on the receiving end of my fathers temper. The man does know how to use a whip quite well, I try not to think of it, but even now, the kiss of it upon my flesh, well it lingers reminding me of things that I should not ever do. Father was harder on me than he was the others, he has said it is because I was the most like him. But as a teenager well we tend to test those boundaries and we often find out very quickly just how far we can go or in most cases how far we cannot go. " Hallena" was whispered gently in my mind, I had to frown as very few even called me by that name because only a handful knew it was my true name, there are a precious few that know how it is I became called Tarra, or that it is not my true name. Only the elders of the clan call me by it, however I recognized the vibration of the intonment of the words, the urgency in them, I would quickly move along the wagons towards where Bolomormaa's was, when I neared I found Chulun standing out side her wagon, "What is wrong?" I would ask, he had a weariness to him that is not often seen and I touched his arm, when he looked at me I saw the pain in his eyes, if there was any doubt that he had feelings for Bolomormaa there was none now, there was no way he could deny it, and for once he did not even try to.
He explained to me that she had complained of being tired, she had nearly passed out as they walked along the trail, he found out she had been giving her water to others and her food, and not eating enough herself, when she fell the rough end of a rock gouged her leg and now she had a fever, the healers had cleaned it and bandaged it, I thought to this for a moment, there could have been anything on that rock from just simple dirt to bosk dung. I went to my wagon and delved into the deepest recesses of it and found what I needed, a Haruspex have a knowledge of herbs that goes beyond what even the healers know, I have somewhere hidden away, a poultice of some rare herbs, I only ever use it when nothing else will work, now would something else help Bolomormaa, more than likely yes. But I saw that look in Chulun's eyes, he is an elder, he is a mentor, he is a friend, and he is like a grandfather to me, he has taught me much over time even when I was but a young child learning to take my first steps of life, I want to take away that look if I can, he deserves to find happiness, and like the rest of us, you do not realize you care for someone or want them in your life until something has happened, even if we have firmly rooted in it that was are better off alone. Are we really ? Sometimes I would say yes,but yet at the same time if I am completely honest. Then no we are not. Life is meant to be shared with another.All the good and all the bad. My fingers wrapped around the jar in a firm grasp and I rushed back to Bolomormaa's wagon, I would do all I could to help her, I would pause and look to Chulun my eyes searched his and I nodded, I knew what needed to be done. He took a step as if meaning to dissuade me, but with the stubborn determined set to my jaw, he knew that I was going to dig my heels in and not budge one little hort. Being one of the few empathic's of the clan I knew what I could do, each of us has a few things we are exceptional at, and all of us have a few things we are all able to do, separately and together, that is what makes each of us unique. We are the same and yet we are all different, it is a complex and yet simple thing, much like the strands of a spiders web each unique and brilliant in its life, but woven with others it is a beautiful awe inspiring artistic tapestry.

I knew what the consequence of what I was going to do would be, I have only done this for three others, now there would be one more. Bolomormaa would now feel what Garyx, Cana and Ba'atar have felt, I might even have enough energy left over to give her one my signature stitches and leave her with a permanent smiley face like a few others have adorned upon them. Actually there is only one living person now that has one. I sat beside her and would set to work, I knew that I would be here for over a day. And after that I would need to rest for at least half of the day. All things and people would have to wait.

To enjoy a bath

It was late in the night when I decided to venture near the bathing wagons, I had watched the younger women eagerly seek out the precious luxury of a bath. I knew for some this journey was a challenge and I felt they needed to wash away the weariness, it gave me time to finish a few things I needed to.

I gathered what I would need and walked to the wagon, I dusted the surface with various lightly scented herbs and then poured some oil into the water, it is rare that I allow myself to indulge in things most times I am quick to clean up and continue on with the day, my boots fell to the floor of the wagon with a thump, followed by the creaking of my leathers as I peeled them from my skin and tossed them aside, noticing the light dusting of dirt and who knows what else, the vest was soon to follow and as my gaze traveled over my body I realized I had a layer of grime on me that could possibly create my own private plains, I had to shake my head, a light bruise crawled along my hip and leg from a bit of a run in with something during the earlier part of the trail, it was fading so I was not worried, it would be the first of numerous scratches and other such dings before the trail would end.

One hand moved along the braid that fell along my hip, lifting it I would undo the tie and remove the herlit feather and black and purple beads,slowly I undid the braid until my hair fell loose about me, when I left it down it fell along my back, heavy and thick, as if a curtain of ebony rested about me though normally it would be brilliant in color at this time it would be dull and dusty. A lot of dirt sure was accumulating I wonder if I could make a person out of it.

Slowly I sank into the warm liquid embrace and leaned back to relax, a soft sigh escaped my lips, the water seeped thru every pore and deep into my muscles, I closed my eyes allowing myself for the first time since Garyx death to truly relax, to just enjoy the weightlessness of my body in the water, then slowly my hands would glide along each leg washing away the grime, my hands would move along my arms and hands rinsing away not only the grime but also the emotions that had been clinging to me. Easing downward I would let my entire body submerge into the water ,it was tempting to remain there and never get out, as a few of those negative emotions surfaced again, was I a failure as a woman, as a person, and as a friend and mate, was that why they took Garyx from me, had I failed in something and now I would pay for it in the most horrific of ways. I knew the answer was no, but for a moment the haunting pain of what was and what should have been wrapped about me. But after a few ehns I would rise upward and shake that thought from me, I realized that I was destined to walk my path alone,that was my curse for all the things I have done in my past,there were three things I have done that caused the fury of the plains to erupt, I suppose now they were exacting their price, the cost was high and steep but I would shoulder it just as I did anything else in life, I accepted this payment and came to terms with it I could not endanger any warrior by having them walk at my side and I do not think I could go thru yet another loss of a mate. Not only that I am to old to compete with the young ones that are in abundance, nor will I even contemplate it, I will watch from the sidelines, although, suddenly I feel like one of the ancient ones even though I am not, life and age are taking a toll. Be that as it may I would then lift the soap and lather it thru my hair, after a while I would rinse it out, I did not want to leave the water but I knew I had to.

Stepping out of the water I would dry off and then with my fingers untangle my hair, using a light oil I had made, Nasadei was right, the scent reminded me of the plains after a light rain,fresh, light and natural and yet it spoke to you and calmed you, but at the same time you could catch the hint of sandalwood within it. It was a fragrance unique to me and always a hint of it was in my hair and along my skin, I slowly dressed in clean leathers and secured my vest, replacing the armbands and the beads to my braid, gathering my things I would then step out of the wagon, settling within my own for the night as I sat on the platform for many ahns, just gazing out over the plains listening to the people, listening to the bosk and listening to the winds.

There were many things that seemed to be lifted from my shoulders though much yet remained, a few things I would have to take care of even though it went against my stubborn nature to do so, though at the same time it was very much within my nature to try to save things that meant something to me.

To watch

Though I can not say I am at the main fires as often as I was a few hands ago, I find myself slowly stepping out of the protective mantle of darkened emotions, though I like to go back into them for they are comfortable and safe. There I feel protected and loved, not the way family and friends do, it is the memories of a different kind of love, thoughts and feelings shared between a man and woman, the connection, laughter and passion. But, while comfortable they are not ones conducive to living, and they are not me, and I have struggled daily to not let them bind me. Each day I shed a bit more of the abraised wounded skin and step into the new one that is healed. I regress sometimes, and on those days I find myself crawling back into that place,to hide and not allow myself to feel. Strange how once that cold lonely place once felt welcome now it feels alien to me, I know that this is normal and I try not to let myself beat myself up over it.

I was sitting at the fire with some of the prospects, their thoughts and emotions are a whirlwind of chaos as they try to find themselves and prove themselves, there is no true order in them yet, but I would not expect it. Youth has its rewards and challenges and I think they are finding this out. I was surprised to see my father walk up but relieved I had begun to get worried something had happened, he was his usual grumpy gramps self. My daughter Falon also joined us, everyone introduced themselves as they did not know each other.

I watched and listened to the various discussions, once in a while I would torment my father just as I always have, some things will never change, a few did not linger, I observed much of them, and I will not say much but I think they have much to learn, to be tribe you must be around everyone not just certain warriors, they think that we miss where their hearts are drawn to but we do not, the more subtle you are sometimes the more apparent you are. Yamka was speaking of Magda the elder she has been taking care of I see she has a fondness for her, and that is good, for she can learn much from her. Though she thought she was the eldest of the tribe, there are a few more the same age and older, so I directed her to Galdai, he is about a turning or two older, though you would not know it with the way he acts, he was once a drummer but with age he does not do as much as he used to, but he still teaches about life, and those lessons are truly
invaluable, though I warned her of his quick hand , but he only does that if you step out of line or say or do something that is less than intelligent, I know he has gotten me a few times, but his patience and wisdom are treasured. I wonder if I should have warned her about that leather bag he has hanging about his wagon, I do not know what it contains, he never tells, but I know it packs a wallop. I did not tell her about Chulun well, because not even I would do that to a prospect, he loves to eat them up and spit them up, hell he likes to do that to other elders, imagine what he would do to those trying to prove themselves. No, not this hand, I will be nice.

For now.

Seveya was there and I gave her a gift for when it is time for her ring to be placed, I can sense the turmoil under the surface that comes from not only learning new things, but in learning herself. I am not sure of the reasons why I gifted it to her, I think there are many reasons, mostly I felt it was the right thing to do, it gave her something to aspire to a goal to reach, I know how important that is. She has many doubts but she has heart and it will guide her to learn to stand on her own two feet. The separation of childhood and adulthood is never easy. I felt that if I was going to be a mother type figure or influence then this was a start for her, though she will so much knowledge from Cana as well. She honored me by accepting it. It is nothing fancy, it is old and simple, but each of my daughters have had it used when first pierced then when healed they would have one of their own made, it was clean to the point where it was sterile, for I used techniques of healers to clean it and keep it protected. I do not think I will tell her how old it really is, perhaps one day I will have other children, but for now that is not a likely prospect so I will gift her with this until she has her own.

I did not linger long as I had repairs to make, and I left everyone by the fires in order to take care of things, I had gathered a few things from the leather workers and from other clans and set to work on repairing a few things. I was thankful to the warriors that checked on the state of my wagons and the repair they rendered on the one wheel of my spex wagon. It is an old one I think I have had it for a very long time, maybe one day I will have a new one made.

With that I set about to work, and I found myself working late into the night.

To seek

If you take a few moments you can see the sky stretch out endlessly as if it went on forever and maybe it does for no wonder where you go there is the sky. As had come my routine once more I am awake late into the night walking thru the grasses and listening to the silence that is always just along the edge of life. There is much to be learned and heard within the silence.

I do not venture far from the wagons and I stay within the vision of the warriors that are up and on patrol. Occasionally I stop to talk to one or two to see how things go with them and their watch, never lingering long so I do not distract them.

I did tell one that I needed to walk out a bit further than my usual walks entailed because I needed to do a small ritual to obtain an answer to an important request, they knew not to interfere or be to close not that they wanted to but they respected what I needed to do for they knew it was something for the welfare of the tribe and also because they did not know what we did at times the unknown often fueled the imagination and I got a kick out of things they entertained.


I found a place to lay a fur and arrange the items I carried, I sat there for a while preparing myself to physically relax and to empty my mind. In truth I did not need any elaborate ritual not that we would do them on the trail as it was to dangerous to do so, nor did I need the small one I was preparing, but I wanted to relax and listen to the plains. The ground as rough beneath me but even it had a tale to tell. The grass and the winds all sang a song beneath the audience of the moons. The plains was draped in splashes of the silvery white moon beams, sometimes it felt as if you could reach out and touch them and touch the glimmering shades of color that resided in the diamond dust.

I sat there for I do not know how long and I obtained the answer I was searching for. But I did not get up to leave right away, instead I sat there quietly. Contemplating the present and the future, I saw glimpses of visions for various people , I saw an unexpected surprise for one in which a bond is formed that will have deep meaning, but it does not reveal if it will bloom into romance or not, I see the lofty aspirations of another being lowered when reality reveals that they will not be able to have what they want, it will be the first taste of growing up, I see another taking steps that surprise even themselves as they finally find themselves and become the woman they are meant to, and yet another will find an unexpected treasure right before him. I see another finding himself once more and his place. Some things I have expected, but a few things were a surprise.

I headed back to my wagons, I would search out Ba'atar and Ayguili in the early morning with an answer to the question . On the way back I paused by one of the men ending his patrol and told him that he might want to take back with him some tea for his mate. He looked at me oddly for a moment but he advised that he would. Then I smiled as I returned to my wagons, he would be finding out his mate of many turnings was with child, they had hoped for one for a very long time but had given up on having any. Their patience has now been rewarded.

To observe... To hear... To see

I eventually made my way to the fires and sat back down with Cana and Seveya, although I think she surprised both of us by admitting she had never had her nose ring placed, I had to ask her age and she was twenty. This is not the first time I have seen it but it was a disturbing trend, did the outer wagons not follow traditions and why were so many without their nose rings, I did not understand this.

She explained that her mother had died when she was young and her father raised her, and he had not allowed her to have it yet, I understood the reasons but I feel he is doing her a great disservice, he is preventing her from not growing into a the woman she should be, I understood the whys of it. Cana and I offered to help her along the path of being a woman. She could come to us for anything including when it came time for the ring placement.

She had questions of how do you know when you are love, that is not an easy question for it is different for everyone, sometimes you know instantly its like a bolt of lightening going thru you both and it is apparent, sometimes it is a slow gradual thing. And sometimes it is a love hate relationship at first. We shared our experiences with the men that have been in our lives. I hoped that we helped her understand and not confused her. Though love can be confusing, it is something that happens you cannot force it. And it comes in its time and its own way, it is not something to chase, women often make the mistake of trying to be who they are not and to try to manipulate a man, a few will say they wont chase but yet they do things and put themselves in the vision of the man to ensure they are seen and create things to bring attention. We have watched this happen with the young ones over and over, Cana and I assured her to be herself and let nature and fate bring about the right warrior, we have never chased them or played the games that some do. The men we have mated, pursued us because they knew we were true to ourselves and we knew ourselves.

Fonce and the prospect Yamka joined us and he seemed to have re-injured himself, he allowed me to take a look at it, though typically he brushed it off as nothing, he is such a man and I told him as much, which earned a chuckle, I did clean it and look at it, it was a puncture wound which if it did not heal would need to be cauterized, he said he would take better care of it, damn straight he will, I will check on it to make sure. I smiled to Cana seeing her relief that he had it tended to. Eventually Ayguili joined us and I had to laugh within myself as I noticed Yamka's lingering gaze on Ayguili, seems that he has drawn the attention of the young women lately, particularly prospects. I find this interesting. I have noticed which ones are drawn to Fonce and which ones are drawn to Ayguili. And I wonder if they notice it, or if they are oblivious to it.

Though I wonder why it is that the prospects are focusing more on the warriors and doing things to gain their attention than they are in proving themselves. I find it humorous in a way, these infatuations I will watch just to see what happens, though maybe I will help guide one or two along in how to gain the favor of a warrior. Then again maybe I wont, I have watched this before with Tayco when Ina and Cana were interested in him, I feel a sense of deja vu as I watch.

Makes me glad I am an observer in these things and not in that urt race, I think all that effort and subterfuge would give me a headache, in truth I would not even begin to know how to play that game.

I listened to the conversations that floated around me, the concerns and thoughts on the journey as they spoke I gaze over the plains to see what was out there, placing each concern into my mind to let it fit into a puzzle of sorts I did not offer my thoughts, they weren't asked for and I wasn't going to volunteer them. Though even if I did not want to I have to agree with Ayguili's thoughts on what to do, I could see it unfold and while risky it may be the right path to take. Fonce also had solid ideas and thoughts. Though there are some things that they have overlooked that they would need to perhaps put into place. Each thought that they spoke of held a strength of purpose, it was good to hear them talk of what to do and what would help the tribe, though they are right I think a few will bulk at the one idea.

Ayguili asked me to see what the weather may bring on the trail I told him I would do so and then get back to him on it, I bristled a his handing me the line of the tribe would be thankful, could he not just say thank you, no he just had to be all impersonal and informal, he did not linger I have the feeling he knew I was still irritated with him, and that action confirmed things I have already put together. I had thought there was a friendship there but I think I was wrong,he does not see or chooses not see a few things, but that is his choice I am not one to tread where I should not. Though I am greatly disappointed I really did enjoy some of the conversations shared.

I did not linger long it seemed to be a coupling of people and I felt out of place like a fifth wheel, there are times when it is to hard for me to indulge in certain idle conversations I have never been good at small talk that had no meaning, so I went to prepare the herbs needed for the evening so that I could see what the skies would reveal of what awaited us.

A time to rest

There was a faint misting of rain in the early morning, not enough to bring any sustenance, just enough to tease you with the want and need. Leaving you wanting more. Needing more. I stood outside with my face lifted to the sky letting the light mist fall over my face, for a moment if I allowed myself I could feel a gentle caress over my face and a light kiss to my lips. If I allowed myself I could almost pretend that Garyx was there beside me touching my face and hair,talking to me. It was a short lived thought for I knew he was not and I knew I could not linger in the past even if I wanted to. There was only the present and stepping onward with the future.

I watched my youngest son with the other children, he was racing his kaiila and wagering like any good tuchuk. The laughter of children rang thru the air creating a symphony of song that would glide all around the wagons, such a gift gave hint to the life of the tribe, that it flourished and created a strong web of life, for a moment I wondered what it would have been like to have had the daughter we planned to have, he wanted a daughter,to have at least one of each, however, that was not fated to be. I enjoy holding Cana's young ones and sharing in the life of their children, but you know it is not the same as holding your own and breathing in the fresh scent of them and feeling their tiny hands grasp your finger and watch as their eyes light up taking in all around them, so many things that make that time the most enjoyable. I felt myself frown a bit I would not know such joy again. I know I should be glad and thankful for the ones I have but sometimes we do think for a moment on what we could have had and should have had. For a moment I look back to the way we have come and then I look to where we go.

I have always liked the rain, I enjoy the storms even more, I like to dance with the lightening, there is a charge in the air that we know how to channel. Though only a few can do it, it will soon be time to select another to learn. I do not mind it alone sometimes but other times I enjoy sharing it with the others that know how, that is when much happens, is felt and seen. We have not done that in some time, the next storm that rocks the plains I think we shall have to go out and enjoy it. Chulun asked who it is I might teach this particular gift to, I did not yet know, there are certain things a person must have in order to learn this, and there was the element to consider as well, otherwise they will like most people die the moment the strike gets to close or touches them and if they do not die then they will live with severe permanent damage to their body. I had an idea but I was not yet sure, for now I would watch and see and I am not quite sure they would be ready.

He would nod in understanding, he knew the dangers of this as well as the rewards, a Spex always did seem to enjoy walking along the edge of things. Daring things, Knowing things,Feeling things and being Silent of things. "Do you wish to find a mate again?" He would ask me, I shook my head, "No" He would frown, now why is it when I answered honestly I got that reaction, men seemed to think I needed them to take care of me, I do not, however, I would be lying if I said I did not want the company of a man that would be a friend and confidante, who could listen and truly hear, who would talk to me and not around me or over me,one who is not afraid to share his thoughts and emotions, one that has honor, integrity, and courage, one who could accept me as I am on all levels, flaws and all, one who could inspire passion and desire and share in it and not consider only himself, there were many things I would want in such a man. But as there are none that have these things, then I have to say honestly that no I do not seek a mate. So I am not lying I am being honest I am not searching for one and at this point in my life I have no desire to have one. If such a man were to cross my path of life then maybe I would consider it. He would look to me thoughtfully and then nodded in understanding.

I was glad that we had stopped to rest as I had a few repairs on my wagons to take care of, it has been a different journey so far in many ways, I found myself working most of the day, almost forgetting to eat, but on the trail I have the habit of not eating much or drinking much, sticking to a few strips of dried meat thru out the day, Garyx used to fuss at me and send a girl over to ensure I ate, I had to laugh sometimes because he was worse than I was, but I would eat just to rest his mind, I never wanted him to worry on patrol. His mind needed to be on what he was doing and not on what I was not doing. I ensured that the extra water I had hanging about was sent over to Cana and Ba'atars wagon, so that it can be used with others during this time of the need to conserve,

After some time I made my way to the wagons, I came upon Fonce and Seveya, she was going to the stream, now that was a good idea. I was going to keep that in the back of my mind, I joined Fonce by the fire and shared in small talk, nothing of major importance or life shattering events, I have not had those kind of discussions with anyone since the night Garyx died. I have not yet seen my father, but I thought I heard one of them saying he was seen along with the patrol. After some time I left the fires as I began to feel restless and antsy and thought to go to the stream and clean up. I would not bathe yet as there would be way to many around and well, I am not about to be entertainment.

I felt a pain flow thru me after I relaxed for a bit, it was intense enough that it caught my breath, images of various people floated thru my mind, injuries sustained, screams of pain and cries of sorrow filtered around me, it was enough to almost bring me to my knees. As it passed I saw the herlit that often sat on the top of my wagon pass over. There were times like this I really did miss my mate, he was always able to help me to get thru this things so that they were never noticed by others and also made them easier to carry. This was not as bad as some but it revealed a few things that I cannot change for we aren't allowed to interfere but there were other things I could do and I would go to speak to the other elders and some of the men would give the guidance needed to the warriors I saw.

The beginning

When I had eventually made my way to my wagons after the encounter I would find things at the spex wagon to work on, I watched the stars in the sky as they were suspended in the mantle of darkness that hovered over the plains, my hands automatically prepared things in a certain order and certain way, mostly due to the long term repeativeness of it.

Chulun eventually came along side me and I felt him watch me for a few ehn, " The only time you work on those herbs is when you are ticked off at someone, something or both." He would state, this caused my brow to lift, " How do you know that ? " I would ask, and he would just smile, "Because it is the only one that requires an effort to cut up thereby you have to expend energy to do it, even if you have done it numerous times before." I would look to him and then to the herbs, and I stopped working on them, "Interesting observation."

"You want to tell me what is really bothering you, because it has nothing to do with the person you are directing it at." I shook my head, "Nope, and it does." He would hand me a bowl and I lifted a brow, knowing all to well how he liked to play with herbs for effect and I was hesitant to take it, He merely smiled waiting to see if I would trust him to drink it, "If it does anything I swear I will strip your hide from your body and sew it on you backwards." He just laughed softly and guided me to the platform of my wagon.

"What is beneath the surface?" he would ask, I knew what he was asking. And I contemplated saying anything. The silence seemed to draw out yet he was patient . "The actions of one reminded me of two others, and it brought back how I felt, and I was made to feel it again," I would state softly. I did not really want to talk about it or get into it, because it did not really matter, what mattered is that much was made clear to me and there is nothing I can do about it. I got the message loud and clear,and I would keep my distance, I had even contemplated for a moment one to matchmaker him with, but I would not do that now. Actually there was one that would serve him right to end up with, and I knew that she was already infatuated with him.

Chulun laughed low, " Now Tarra that is a really cruel thought, you really are pissed off at him that you would curse him like that?" I would shrug, "Tell me what happened the first time" I shook my head as I took a drink of black wine, "I would rather not, it was not long after my father had me taken away." And I cut him a look he knew that I had not completely forgiven the clan for their hand in that, "It was the only way Tarra, there were things you needed to learn that would be valuable to us." I could only mutter low.

However, I began to talk to him

" The first time was not long after I was taken to Treve, it was bad enough that the people there would try to make me feel like I was some imbecile because I was tuchuk, they tried to make me into what they considered a proper woman, they tried to remove my nose ring, locked me in side their walls, and they would try to force my ways and traditions from me, which was a bad move,my father had given it to me because it was my mothers. After that they remembered to remove all my weapons. I learned their language and their ways, I learned to read and write and what made their city tick, I know where the hidden city is. " At his look of surprise I would smile, " My first mate, he was forced upon me, I did not love him, it was an arrangement because it would bring two wealthy families together, as if I cared about that sort of thing. He owned slaves, now I grew up with them all my life so it was no big deal, they had a purpose. But there was one, she was beautiful in a strange way, she was a barbarian, I learned their language there, all the men lusted after her an she knew it. I had watched in surprise as she pranced about as if a free woman in a collar, I did not understand this for I had never seen such upon the plains." As I spoke I knew that the images were flowing thru the mind of the old Spex.

" I paid no heed to her as I was with child and was learning things from the merchant that I knew one day would come in handy for the tribe when I was able to return. That was until he brought her into where I lived with him I cannot call it home as I never felt it was such, outside of having her in his furs I never saw her do anything and she only was out to be seen when he was within the place we lived. One day she took something that belonged to me, it was personal and sentimental, father had given it to me, when I said something on her behavior Terran just shrugged and said she does as he commands her. I thought this odd, were not slaves to obey all free. But I soon found out that did not happen, and one day I had enough and I punished her for daring to walk around as if she were equal to me."

"My surprise came when it was not her that got into trouble but me, not only did he chain me by my wrists and ankles but he forced me to watch him fur her, then he allowed for her to take a knife and draw it along my neck from the back of my hairline down the length of my torso, she cut the skin deep near my neck just barely missing the jugular, I have a scar from my hairline to my clavicle." I saw the raising of his grey brow. " And he was allowed to live?"

For a few moments I said nothing, " He was allowed to live because no one knew, if I said anything he was going to kill my unborn child. Everyone thought him such an upstanding warrior. I wont go into the detail of any of the things he did needless to say I spent a lot of time over the turnings in chains and he bestowed his torture upon me, often I had to watch him with his sluts some of them he was just as abusive to. He told me that I had no rights I was but a woman, and that his slave was so much better and more of a woman than I would ever be. It was the first time that I had ever doubted myself as a woman, I wondered if I was less because I was a free woman than I realized no, it wasn't me, I wondered if all that kanda he was addicted to had done something to him, I had never seen such in a warrior before. My salvation came in the form of my sister Dina that I had not seen since she was a child, she is like me and she saw things in my mind and her hatred grew, she came into the city and in the arena assassinated him. she was of their black caste.
Over the years I found out that many are ruled by women not just slaves but free women who acted like slaves. I never had any issues with any of them until then, after that I learned to keep them away from me. I have a scar to prove their deceitfulness and as much as they spout that they are so free and in love ultimately they have only one purpose and it is for their own wants and needs, not that of a man, and not that of the free."

I could see his frown deepen, "We did not foresee you would endure that kind of treatment." He stated. He would drink his black wine, " So it is not the warrior you are really upset with, and you know he is not like that type of man, you are upset over the feelings that were brought to the surface that you had repressed for so long." I said nothing to that for the longest time. "It is not just him, and yes I know he and many others here are not like that, I am not some wet behind the ears kid, but, I have seen it of others, it was the first time though I have felt that I was beneath someone in a long time and I don't like to be made to feel that way, that was worse than what others have done."

He would nod and smile. And I looked at him oddly, all he would say was, "That is the first you have willingly shared something of yourself like that " I gave him a look that said, whatever. And he just laughed and stood. "Remember what you tell others, use your own counsel."

Now that made sense to me, just what was he getting at, and why in the hell was he smiling, then it dawned on me, I spoke to him openly and without censure, I allowed him to see that wounded part of me. No wonder he was smiling.

He better not get used to it. I wasn't about to become an open book for anyone, and it didn't change that I was beginning to dislike men, and if Ba'atar and my father think they are saddling me with any one they are not only in for a war but a rude awakening. The only way I would consider it, is if there was one who was able to do what Garyx did.

And I know there are none that could or would do it.

Bosk Arse

Each day that passes seems to be a bit longer and yet a bit shorter, the steady sounds of the wagons that now have their own rhythm and cadence. The swirling writhing layer of dust that flows along the ground as the bosk are herded along by the outriders, the song of the warriors at night as they watch over them.

I rode along side a few for a while, listening to them talk, sometimes I got lost in the conversation as I felt my thoughts being pulled to the silence that feathers along the edge of life. Then I was drawn back to those about me, I noticed the interest one has of another, it was surprising, and I am not sure if it is something that is fated or not, only time will tell the nature of it. I listened to the aspirations and curiosity of another, once more we found our selves camping for the night. I helped prepare the meal and other things that would keep my hands busy and my mind, Fonce joined us and he looked as if he was ready to fall asleep where he stood, I spoke to him for a moment and offered him some black wine, in truth I was shocked he took it I have often seen him refuse such offers before from people, no doubt he was tired.

We all gathered to eat and relax for a while, and share various thoughts, humor and other things. A young warrior joined us named Ogedaii, he is a sleen handler, well he has earned the name of the Sleen Man. I think he will be stuck with it. He and Silk teased each other back and forth, and Silk and Ayguili well, I am not sure what to say there, exchanges there are filled with meaning I think. But it is one of those things I wisely stayed out of. This was a night of shocks as well, Silk in a skirt. Skirts are common on the plains, but on Silk, hell I don't think I have ever seen one on her before, and the men I think we should have had rep cloths to wipe away the drool. She caused quite a stir, not that I would say in a bad way, but still she shocked the men. She looked good in a skirt, though it made me glad I did not wear them. I don't like that kind of attention, the reasons not important, but I am not comfortable with that not that I ever garnered such. Silk has a sensual exotic look that men trip over to glimpse, she thinks she is no longer as she terms it hot. But if she could see she would know that they find her attractive.

My sister also was able to command attention like that, I never quite figured it out, I think perhaps because I was often out doing clan things and riding, I never perfected that part of me, and I am rather small in stature and I do not have huge boobs like her and my ass is not as curved as Dashes, I am rather simply put together. And very flawed. Ba'atar teased me about being in a skirt and he would like to see that, I warned him not to hold his breath. I rarely wear them. Why do they think not wearing skirts makes a woman less of a woman, does wearing one change me? I did not think so. I look the same no matter what I wear.
I have added a few scars to my body and on men they add character on women they seem to make us less attractive. But none the less, I think she should do it more often. They teased her about it and when she left she earned a few names. There was some good natured teasing and some of course held the flavor of sexuality, no surprise, we are all tuchuk. We aren't known to be tepid or timid in any aspect of our lives.

Now that lead to a discussion on the vests Dash wears and having all women wear them, Silk says they couldn't hold her in, I had to look at myself, well I wasn't less than a mouthful but I was not so over abundant I had to worry about that, I guess you could say they fill a hand nicely. Cana had her concerns to, though personally I think she would look perfect in them, but that is my thought, now they spoke of paints and other things as well, now you know I have something for her, to as I told her play with. I think she might find it rather fun, and I would bet her mate would to. I think I shall surprise her with it, perhaps as a gift. I would have to keep in mind that we will begin a conservation of water. The men spoke of the need for it and I will make sure that any extra I have is shared with others.

But you know a perfectly good night is often ruined by men and their slaves. For the most part I ignore most of them, only a few have I really wanted to harm, granted I do threaten a few with the removal of their eyes and tongues, but truth be told I have nod done such in a good many turnings, in fact I don't recall the last time I did just for the fun of it. And yes there is that blood thirsty part of me that would enjoy such, and I have not killed any since the night the Ubar asked me to and remove the liver. So did it irritate the hell out of me that Ayguili's little girl served and spoke to others and blatantly ignored me, of course it did I am a free woman and more importantly I am a person with thoughts and feelings. So did I comment on it, damn right I did, and low and behold he turned his arrogance on me, unfortunately for him that does not impress me nor intimidate me, it merely shows me what is within him the man. And what rules and guides him,He ordered her to stay away from me, the pure audacity of that just flabbergasted me, why because I nailed his ass on her behavior once before, but his memory seems to be clouded with thoughts from the little head and not the big head,men are stupid when it comes to slaves and he has proven that to me a second time. You only slap me twice, there will not be a third time and the only reason she is not slit from navel to nose over it, is because it is his fault. The big oaf, he forgets that I spoke as I did because his little barbarian slut who is not even tuchuk, is that not irony from someone who makes a big deal out of full blooded tuchuck, any way, she had blatantly ignored me and not greeted, now see I expect a lot of out slaves, I trained enough, hell I know every little detail of their life up close and personal so when I see that they no longer follow certain protocols, damn straight I will open my mouth, but as it goes he seems to have changed in his mind what really happened. I suppose it justifies his own actions. After all it is too much to expect from a man to understand or try to understand thoughts and reactions.

I thought for a moment to argue it with him and correct him, but I did not, it was not worth it, he had shown me that his slave is more important that a free woman of the tribe, one he had called friend, but I guess that has fallen to the wayside because once Garyx died I joined the ranks of the osts, so that doesn't warrant much does it. It does not matter what others may think or say, there is only the perception of two people who have reached an impasse.

I admit I am as ticked at him as I can be at a man. But I think I am more disappointed. It is a good thing that the young ones are pursuing him and others, they are more easily molded and controlled, something I will never be, I will always tell you where the sun rises and sets and just what you can do with it.

I could just cheerfully punch him in the nose and break it. The bosk ass.

Promises Fullfilled

It was somewhat of a surprise to find out Silk is younger than me, damnation, and she is by about 24 turnings, is that not a bitch. Talk about feeling ancient.. She said that explained a lot, I am not quite sure what that means.

It took me a while to settle into a restful sleep, in fact I found myself walking about during the night, riding Eclipse along the edges of the wagons, he moved quietly along the plains and I was glad to see he had the ability to do so. There are times when you announce your self and times when you do not. I think it was an ahn or two before I finally returned to my own and lay down to sleep for that short time.

Before I could even have time to realize that the time had passed, it was time to get up. I prepared for the second day of our journey, walking some and riding some. It seemed to me that the trail today was more difficult, one of the wagons had broken an axle which split us up, that worried me a bit, but I knew that we would come together once more, but even so, there was plenty of close moments as various wagons were unbalanced and nearly toppled it seemed, but slowly we made our way along the trail until it was time to stop, I do not think I was the only one that was glad to stop for the night.

I sat by the fires with Cana and a few others, a few I had not met before and I watched with a curiosity, the one good thing for prospects, is I was to tired to truly test them and see what they knew. I had some black wine and watched and listened. Fonce joined us also, I was surprised he spoke to me. Perhaps there was hope but I wasn't going to hold my breath. The Spex prospect she is very young, and quiet, but I wonder what more there is to her. She expressed her condolences which I accepted, for I felt it was sincere. You can see the laughter in her and the hint of a underlying seriousness and want as well.

Ayguili joined us also, and I asked him if he had scarred Arkus he had not and told me that he would when we reached camp, I understood this and it made sense to me. We spoke of my youngest son, I had already spoken to Ba'atar of when the time came to name him, and I wanted to also follow up with when he should have his first scar that it would be taken care of. I was a bit surprised by Cana telling me it was to soon, I sort of felt attacked at first, given that this was my son we were talking of and I was fulfilling a dying mans wish and keeping my promise, I wanted to lash out in anger, and I did bristle just a bit, I realized she did not understand what I was doing. So I said nothing more, I merely sat there thinking for a few and watching others and how she seemed to sometimes change depending on who she is around, so I watched this. It dawned one me that she had not changed, but was reaching out to others in various ways, and like all of us, there are times we do not realize how something can be seen or presented. I had to smile within myself, our little tabuk had finally stepped into her own. How many can say they have watched someone grow in such a way.

After some time I asked her to join me, I had a purpose in mind as I took her hand and traced the lines on her hand, every Spex has something that fascinates them, as well as each one has certain abilities and while we all have the same ones and basic knowledge and foundations, we are also each unique, I have always been fascinated by watching people, listening to the vibrations in their tones, and while I tend to not be flamboyant, I know how to read the cards, toss the bones and divine much in almost anything, but they are merely tools, I choose to create ambience for readings for people because they need it, not because I do. The hands also fascinate me, the shape, the color, the lines and so many things, they are the map of the mind. The reveal much of a person. You can even tell if someone is a womanizer or in the case of a woman a slut who would spread her legs for any man even if she is a free woman.. And so many other things.. I showed Cana the life line, now it can reveal death, but we do not tell a person when they will die, that is something forbidden to do. I told her what it meant when it was wide like hers is, and the heart line I revealed also what it meant, but I only gave her a taste of those two, there are so many others. I also explained to her, that by talking to Ba'atar and Ayguili I fulfilled my promise, there was not time set or age spoken of, only that it would be done. My youngest son is young I do know this, but I was not requesting for now, as I spoke to her she began to understand just what I had done.

She apologized for overstepping, I had to smile to her, there was no need for apologies, she is family, and families do get involved in each others lives, and if they feel one is making a mistake or doing something they should not then we speak up. I did not need an apology. With friends and family there is communication, expressions of thought and emotions, sometimes passionately, sometimes less so. I think we understood each other a bit more, we shared a hug, I am getting better at the touching thing, well I am good at such with my mate, but with others I am more cautious, slowly I think parts of me begin to emerge once more. Parts that had been lost since I was young. What will finally be left I am not even sure.

I spent some time with her and the new prospects for a short time, shocking thing happened, Ayguili was being friendly, he even smiled and laughed. I was not sure we could survive this, it was a shock to the system. Perhaps he also was finding a beginning of peace within himself and of life, I could hope that he would. Everyone deserves to have a second chance at life, especially when they have endured things that just break their faith in others. Although we were not sure if it was us or perhaps just one other that was with us that brought about this sudden transformation. Either way I found it rather interesting to watch, and of course tease him about it.

I left everyone a bit early to go rest, I was beyond exhausted and knew to rest before I fell asleep where I stood, I hate that it takes me getting to this point before I can sleep, the restlessness that plagues me is like some terminal disease I cant shake, and I hate going to my furs and seeing only the simplicity of sudden loneliness.

Sublte changes

The first day of the journey was as always a bit slow as each wagon began its slow creeping along the ground, leaving a gouge in the ground as the wheels strived to grip and turn to begin its fate upon the trail.
I was glad of the men that Cana sent over to me as I did not have to worry, I rode Eclipse back towards the clan wagons, I had to smile as I watched my youngest son ride along side Chulun, thinking he was every bit of a grown warrior, young ones always in a hurry to grow up and then when we get older we try to slow down the passing of time.

During the last leg of the journey for the day Hallie rode past me, on her kaiila, she had great pride in the beast as she had as she said, helped him to see the way of things, I found it interesting her words,she did not say she tamed him or broke him. Although I begin to wonder if she will live to see old age the way that she rides that damn thing, I saw her fly past us as if on fire and her laughter rang in the air as she gave him free reign. Reminds me of myself when I was young like that and I used to race mine with my sister and friends or of when I just would let the kailla run free and wild,and I wonder why my father had grey hair when young.

I was glad to stop for the night, the first day causes my muscles to protest at the extra time with movement, I was sitting by the fire with a bowl of black wine when Silk joined me, that was a surprise she has not spoken to me in quite some time. We spoke of various things, some I had not been aware of because they had occurred when I had been injured and ill. She spoke of her imprisonment to the wagon and of Shi taking the twins. I listened as I usually do when communication is open, I am sure she thought I had turned my back on her but I assured her I had not known of these things. If I am not around there is usually a really good reason for it. We spoke of various people, Fonce has been helping her which is good, she told me of the rumors that whisper in the winds of the two of them, this was one of the few I had not heard, and I have heard of quite a few, I had to think on this one. I just could not quite put that one together in my head. She shared her thoughts on Ba'atar and Ayguili, of life in general, Garyx, Shi and men, and while I have a different frame of thought regarding each of these people, I do see her outlook as well, and I have learned long ago, each of us think and see things differently , it does not mean any one of us are wrong or right, life and relationships are all about perception. We spoke of many things, some things that in my mind are given in confidence and I will not speak of them, there are times we know that things are to be kept quiet and not shared. She has started a new chapter in her life, there are still lingering hauntings, but I see that she is taking small steps to find herself and I think there is a realization of many things. Perhaps she will begin to see things I have been telling her for many turnings. There are some things people share with me I do not even write down. I keep much in my head, it is a scary place to be.

However, she can be assured I will be thinking of a way to get even for the bugs

The Trail begins

When I resurfaced from the cool grip of the water, I felt beads of water trail along my skin, clinging to every inch of me. I was fascinated for a moment by the prism of color trapped within them in the moonlight. For a brief moment I felt as if I were alive once more. Though I knew it was just the stimulation of the water and the fact that it washed a way the remnants of the dream.

Wrapping the fur about me, I walked to my wagon, moving quietly thru the night, given the lateness of the ahn I knew that not many were yet up. I sat on my platform for a long time, afraid to go to sleep, I was in no hurry for a repeat performance.

Eventually I went inside the wagon and lay down in my furs, my hand moved along the fur, it was empty like I was,I found it strange that at this time in my life I find I hate being alone. Odd. I have been alone most of my life and never had any concerns or issues with it. But the sudden thrust of it upon me made it somehow different that any other time. I knew in time this would pass, I know the process and the logic of it. Just somehow I couldn't get my heart and mind past it. For the first time I had to struggle to get past the pain. That was just odd also.


Interestingly enough, I fell asleep,there were no torturous visions, there was nothing in them if I did dream I do not recall it, I know that I woke up feeling rested, it was as if in those few ahns I slept for days, replenishing the energy that had been repleted. I began my day as usual, dressing, braiding my hair and stepping outside once more to pursue some black wine to start my day. Surprisingly enough, one of the camp slaves was daring enough to be near my wagons with some black wine, most knew I did not eat very early, they whys not even I know, I just don't like to eat to early. I could see the relief in her eyes as I took the bowl and she got to live another day, most slaves I just barely tolerated. There are three reasons for that. Each of them had been a slave that imbued the traits of what men considered a perfect slave. They manipulated, pretended and earned trust. Then they revealed their intents. One left a scar on my body, one left a scar on my heart and one just plain enraged me. It is because of these three that I trust none of them and keep them at a safe distance. It is also why I rarely let any of them serve me, I know very well what they can put in food and drink. Sometimes it irritates me the blindness of men, I don't have jealousy of them as a woman because I happen to know that I have a deep passion that is not inhibited, I know myself as a woman. I do have my own demons regarding them that I wont deny. This one did not linger, a wise girl. That is one of the things I loved about Garyx he did not know all the details but he understood what I felt and my fears, he had told me when he took a slave it would be ours, not just his, and that I would have say in which one we collared. I did not mind after that if he took one, he had addressed various concerns, and I enjoyed that fact that no slave ruled him, he commanded them, he was not enslaved to them body or heart. And he did not tolerate some of their games and did not hesitate to remind them that they were owned, they had no ownership of anything. Not many men would do that, but then he cared enough to want harmony in his wagons and his woman happy. Another thing not to many men would do. If ever I did allow another man close to me, I do know this, they could never measure up. Most of them cannot even handle a woman let alone handle one that is a spex, and has thoughts she is no afraid to voice, because I sure am not some delicate, innocent flower that can be controlled.

I watched as the men began to hitch the bosk to the wagons, I noticed that Mist Runner has not been around for some time, but I am not surprised by this . So I mounted the black beast that Teng had given me, he was unpredictable, wild and had a temper snarling if anyone got to close to him or to me. But there was something about him. Somehow he seemed fitting for me I was able to handle him without difficulty, knowing instinctively what was needed. With the right hand he was a prize and had such a free spirit that I had to smile.

So it began the journey south. I have mixed feelings, I find myself lingering and looking back wanting to stay, but I cant, well I could if I really wanted to and chose to. But if I truly look within then I know I do not.
I looked at the skies, pondering what awaited us. Some things were revealed in that endless expanse.

Interesting.. was all I could think to myself. As we began to pull out, the creaking of wheels echoed in the air, the dust began to rise and float along feet and hooves. There was the song of the bosk as they were herded along the trail. And so once more it began. . .

The message is delivered

I would relax by my fires for a few ahn considering Galdai's words, just as I promised I would. The silence was broken however by the sound of running feet and my name being called, I knew who was coming, just as I knew my own name, it was Vee and Ess running as if the wind itself was chasing them, in their hands they held a jar. Now I had to wonder what these two little scamps were up to.

So I waited.

"You sure are hard to find." They would state in unison, breathless from all the running they seemed to have been doing, "We have something for you." Now any time boys in particular offer a gift in a jar, you already know that it is not going to be a pretty sight, and if one is faint of heart and squeamish then do not reach out to take this said gift. Because most assuredly it will be some sort of creepy, crawly type critter. Fortunately, I am not faint of heart or afraid of furry, creepy, crawly type things.. So I took the offered jar and looked at it, well, now, what in the name of skies would I do with these. And there sure were a lot of different types crawling about in that jar, tiny legs,tentacles and other oddities worming about within the confines of it. I had to smile, only boys would think to give such a gift. "Why thank you, just what I was looking for earlier today." I offered to them. They smiled ear to ear and hurried off, they had a jar to give to Cana. Now I would have liked to have seen that, but they were already leaving a trail of dust that not even a herlit could keep up with. I had to chuckle softly as I took the jar towards the wagon and sat it inside. I did not dare let them go because I already knew that the two would come back to ensure I still had it. Boys will be boys of that there is no doubt.

After that I went to my furs and lay down, why I am not sure, sleep always seemed to elude me as of late. So I lay there for some time with my eyes closed just waiting for the ahns to pass, surprisingly I fell asleep or at least I think I did, I am not sure, but if it wasn't sleep it was enough to keep me from wanting to go to sleep any time soon. I found myself standing within a circle of fire, it was a part of me and it was burning the flesh away from my bones, the searing pain was enough to elicit screams from the very depths of me, and given I tend to be able to control those impulses no matter how painful something is,this was too much for me, I have never felt this kind of pain before, the flesh melted from me, I could see it and yet I could not stop it, I should be dead, but yet I was not, what manner of madness was this. I could see myself shuddering and writhing as muscle dripped as if liquid onto the ground, leaving only a skeleton with eyes in the sockets, it was repulsive and the scent of burning flesh was so overpowering I wanted to purge it from my senses.

I woke up suddenly hearing my own screams fill the wagons, my body was drenched in a cold sweat and my breath came in shallow ragged gasps. Panic gripped me and I threw the furs off of me and looked at my legs, my hands and touched my face, I was still here, intact. I felt the rush of wind blow within the wagon and wrap about me leaving a stinging sensation about my skin, it felt as if shards of glass were passing thru me as my senses and sensations had been heightened to a sensitivity I had not quite felt before. I tensed as it became unbearable, what manner of torture was this and why, this time I watched beads of blood dot my skin, flowing into little rivulets that then began to form a river of blood, it began to darken and turn black, it lacked life, blood only turned from crimson to black when there was no heart, no spirit and no life, the level of blood rose and rose within the wagon I knew I did not have this much in me, slowly it enveloped me, drawing me down into the dark murky depths, suffocating me, it was heavy, I could not breathe, I felt myself trying to swim thru it, but it was to thick, I tried to break thru the sides of my wagon to get out, I struggled to get out but it would not allow me, I could not give up and I drew upon on my reserves, power and knowledge and I fought against the black liquid tidal wave.

Suddenly I found I was released from its grip as I forced one word from deep within me, "NO! " Once more I lay within my wagon it was as it always is everything in place. I sat up and looked around I could feel my chest heave from trying to draw in a much needed breath, I felt the sweat glide along my back and neck as I sat there for a moment. A dream within a dream, or was it real, I was not really sure but I do know that the vision hurt like hell. I did not particularly care for it and I wrapped a fur about me and stepped out onto the platform of my wagon and looked across the plains.

I saw figures in the distance, I knew who they were, on the wings of the night I heard their words, " That is what you will become if you truly want that path." I know what they were showing me, I know the whys, spirits and fate never played fair, nor did the sky when a message was to be delivered, That one was much to up close and personal.

But it had the effect they desired. I walked to the one part of the stream that was secluded and isolated, dropping the fur I would walk into the water, it felt ice cold against my flesh, but I needed it, I had to wash it all away, I had to absorb what the plains was telling me.

Why do they always have to reach up and smack the hell out of you in a very painful way. It was not amusing.