When the comforting embrace of sleep wrapped around me I do not know, it was somewhere in the middle of the night, I had surrendered to the baser emotions that had been pushed deep within me for the last hand, I had not allowed them out, I did not give them any ventilation to breathe, they had been suffocating and fought to have life, but I was not going to allow it, as if I had a choice.
They would rebel and have their moment, they would lash out and explode within me with an unexpected force that had brought me to that brink of breaking and giving in to it, it would claw at me,slashing and growling to find its way out leaving a trail of thoughts and emotions that were wrapped in nerves and pain, exposed to the light of day,sending ripples of intense sharp pain that felt as if someone filleted me open and poured salt over my flesh. In sleep they would have their victory I could not hold them within for I had already opened the door for them the moment I gave into myself and gave up.
I think torture would be less painful in fact I know it is, I experienced such once, and in truth I would rather face that than this. But the purging of such is supposed to be good for a person, at least that is something I have helped others with and guided them thru this, difference is I cannot guide myself, when in the eye of the storm you need a life perserver and mine is gone. So I lay in the waves of the storm, drowning, helpless to see the way out.
I am used to hearing and seeing things, but sometimes even I am surprised, I swear I thought I heard a familiar voice whisper in my ear, "Don't you dare give up now, you never break your word," I shook my head I had to be imagining that. " You are not alone, I have not left you, and it makes me happy for you to live, you cannot give up." I found myself grumbling and groaning with the heaviness of it all, that damn logic. "I do not care" I muttered in my sleep " I cannot do this any more." I swear I felt him and caught his scent it was as if he were beside me, for a moment I could visualize the expression on his face that he would get when I was being difficult about something, " It is only the sorrow and pain talking and you know this. Remember all you are and know." I did not really want to be reminded of what I knew I wanted to indulge in the luxury of the emotions and let them seep thru every pore of me. "I hate you," I found myself saying with a vehemence I rarely felt, " you promised." I stated thru the rage and tears.
It was as if a blanket of comfort had been wrapped around me, " You do not hate me you only hate how you feel, and we both know this, I did not break the promise, think on this." It was then I found myself surrendering to the blackness of deep sleep where there was no thought and no emotion. I wanted to fight it and I tried valiantly to do so, but it was victorious sleep would come. I caught the words that were whispered thru my mind and the release of the damn allowed me to find comfort and peace. It would be a dreamless, restful sleep.
It was early morning when I awoke,surprisingly enough I felt more like myself, and after I dressed I made my way out of the wagon and Mist Runner was waiting for me, I mounted him and let him takes us to whereever it was he felt we needed to be going. He would pause in the middle of the plains, just before the sun was victorious over the moons, the apricot and lavender fingers would stretch across the skies, behind it a silvery white illumination that gave a brilliant sheen to the skies, I have always loved the early morning, and taking a deep breath I watched the skies for some time, then within the sky I saw the herlit that had always been with Garyx he had returned and as he glided thru the sky I saw a familiar face in the clouds. With a nod I knew that the worst was behind me and now I could live life again, that is what he wanted.
A part of me was returned a part that had been removed even before I returned to the plains, a few things began to make sense. The heavy cloaked had been removed, and a salve of healing had been applied. Turning Mist Runner I headed back to my wagons, I found myself ravenously hungry and there was much to do today.
The promise would not be broken.
They would rebel and have their moment, they would lash out and explode within me with an unexpected force that had brought me to that brink of breaking and giving in to it, it would claw at me,slashing and growling to find its way out leaving a trail of thoughts and emotions that were wrapped in nerves and pain, exposed to the light of day,sending ripples of intense sharp pain that felt as if someone filleted me open and poured salt over my flesh. In sleep they would have their victory I could not hold them within for I had already opened the door for them the moment I gave into myself and gave up.
I think torture would be less painful in fact I know it is, I experienced such once, and in truth I would rather face that than this. But the purging of such is supposed to be good for a person, at least that is something I have helped others with and guided them thru this, difference is I cannot guide myself, when in the eye of the storm you need a life perserver and mine is gone. So I lay in the waves of the storm, drowning, helpless to see the way out.
I am used to hearing and seeing things, but sometimes even I am surprised, I swear I thought I heard a familiar voice whisper in my ear, "Don't you dare give up now, you never break your word," I shook my head I had to be imagining that. " You are not alone, I have not left you, and it makes me happy for you to live, you cannot give up." I found myself grumbling and groaning with the heaviness of it all, that damn logic. "I do not care" I muttered in my sleep " I cannot do this any more." I swear I felt him and caught his scent it was as if he were beside me, for a moment I could visualize the expression on his face that he would get when I was being difficult about something, " It is only the sorrow and pain talking and you know this. Remember all you are and know." I did not really want to be reminded of what I knew I wanted to indulge in the luxury of the emotions and let them seep thru every pore of me. "I hate you," I found myself saying with a vehemence I rarely felt, " you promised." I stated thru the rage and tears.
It was as if a blanket of comfort had been wrapped around me, " You do not hate me you only hate how you feel, and we both know this, I did not break the promise, think on this." It was then I found myself surrendering to the blackness of deep sleep where there was no thought and no emotion. I wanted to fight it and I tried valiantly to do so, but it was victorious sleep would come. I caught the words that were whispered thru my mind and the release of the damn allowed me to find comfort and peace. It would be a dreamless, restful sleep.
It was early morning when I awoke,surprisingly enough I felt more like myself, and after I dressed I made my way out of the wagon and Mist Runner was waiting for me, I mounted him and let him takes us to whereever it was he felt we needed to be going. He would pause in the middle of the plains, just before the sun was victorious over the moons, the apricot and lavender fingers would stretch across the skies, behind it a silvery white illumination that gave a brilliant sheen to the skies, I have always loved the early morning, and taking a deep breath I watched the skies for some time, then within the sky I saw the herlit that had always been with Garyx he had returned and as he glided thru the sky I saw a familiar face in the clouds. With a nod I knew that the worst was behind me and now I could live life again, that is what he wanted.
A part of me was returned a part that had been removed even before I returned to the plains, a few things began to make sense. The heavy cloaked had been removed, and a salve of healing had been applied. Turning Mist Runner I headed back to my wagons, I found myself ravenously hungry and there was much to do today.
The promise would not be broken.
