I carefully sealed the various containers of oils,tinctures and variant concoctions that were both healing and deadly. I placed them in the farthest, darkest part of my spex wagon, covered them and ensured they were secured as they would have to sit undisturbed for some time before they could be used. A few things had been made at the request of a few warriors, many knew of my extensive knowledge herbs,potions and spells.
A few requests were a surprise to me, but I am not surprised by them, I know men and have learned much about things they want and enjoy. Now a few of the women that came to me almost embarrassed and blushing now they amused me, I sat down and had a talk on the birds and the bee's with them, gave them some advice that would help them in keeping their men happy. A few were shocked, but the glow about them and the smile on their men's faces a few days later that was a reward for me. Sometimes a woman or man has to do what they have to do.
Thin evening light washed over the wagons, various people hurried about performing various chores or in some instances chasing slaves or children, depending on who you were. It has been a few days since the pyre and while I could not cry in front of others,but at night when I am alone I cannot stop. Even in dreams and sleep there is no respite. I suppose this is normal, though I have never had a death affect me as this one has.
But each day becomes easier, and while my grief is raw and flesh, I see the signs of healing beginning along the scarred,tattered edges of my heart and spirit. No longer do I see blood flowing profusely from my hands instead there is a faint stain of color, no longer a bright crimson but now muted into variant shades of blue,green,black,white, brown,red, and yellow. Is it the love of those that care that helps the healing, the quiet yet steady support they have given, the shoulder of friendship from one that means a lot to me or is it the steady work that I find to occupy me that serves as a salve to an open wound, the laughter of my children, my grandson, and Cana's children that pour a healing oil over the wounds or her laughter and smile as we sit and talk at the fires, I do not think it is any one of these things, but it is each of them together that has eradicated the necrosis of my soul and allowed it to granulate and heal until it once more begins to mend to grow into a viable, healthy, vibrating entity. It still has scars and sensitive areas that will take time to mend. But the pieces are slowly coagulating in place, knitting and strengthening.
I have finally reorganized many aspects of my life, and stepped onto the new path set before me, do I know where it will lead? No, for we do not see our own futures, we see things of others but for our own protection we are blind. Do I try to anticipate what will happen? No. Life will bring what it will bring, whether I fight for it or against it, fate will do as it will. I am at peace within myself, having sloughed off the heavy mantle of concerns and thoughts of others, they do not define me, they do not make me who I am or who I am not, they have no power to touch me unless I give it, I had allowed myself to worry of things that are not important. Even a Haruspex is flawed, not a one of us are perfect we fall, abraise our flesh and gouge our souls as all do. But the advantage is that we can see things differently in order to move ahead in life. I will continue to teach those who have what it takes to learn, I will continue to guide those who need counseling.
I have started over many times in my life and I do so once more, I do not fall long, I know how to rise upward and stand tall, I am true to myself. I accept me as I am. Others may not but that is their loss not mine, my life is a story and I will share it with those who wish to know, to those that will accept me as I am all the good and all the bad.
I have been to the clan fires to sit with Chulun, I am not sure I have quite forgiven him yet for his little trick, but then again, I would have done the same and have a time or two. I have shared with him the vision that came to me at the fires, fear is a powerful thing, it can be positive or negative, in which way I decide to use it will determine if it will devour me or consume me, I will have to think on this, I risk much stepping thru the fear, but I risk more by not. It is a cross roads, a decision to think upon. I will meditate upon it as he suggested, sometimes talking to him is like talking to myself. For every loss there is a gift given, for every bad thing there is something good to be found, and for every heartache there is also joy to be given. What I choose is up to me, not others. There are some who influence and touch me, but ultimately no one can take from me who and what I am. I am me, simple in needs and wants, it is small things that make me happy not the over the top orchestrated dramas, the things I value in life are different from others. Because it is not the grandiose that brings a smile to me, it is the small things, a gesture, a thought, a word or a look.
I have given the young spex Noelani a task, I look forward to seeing what she shows me. And which stone she picked. There are other young ones I have been working with, teaching them basic simple techniques. It keeps me busy. Busy is a good thing, by the time I return to my furs I am tired. So tired I sleep. There are a few who have sent me things that I need to thank, I will think upon the best way to thank them.
Life is a circle, no beginning and no end. For now I will wait to see what the skies have in store for me.
A few requests were a surprise to me, but I am not surprised by them, I know men and have learned much about things they want and enjoy. Now a few of the women that came to me almost embarrassed and blushing now they amused me, I sat down and had a talk on the birds and the bee's with them, gave them some advice that would help them in keeping their men happy. A few were shocked, but the glow about them and the smile on their men's faces a few days later that was a reward for me. Sometimes a woman or man has to do what they have to do.
Thin evening light washed over the wagons, various people hurried about performing various chores or in some instances chasing slaves or children, depending on who you were. It has been a few days since the pyre and while I could not cry in front of others,but at night when I am alone I cannot stop. Even in dreams and sleep there is no respite. I suppose this is normal, though I have never had a death affect me as this one has.
But each day becomes easier, and while my grief is raw and flesh, I see the signs of healing beginning along the scarred,tattered edges of my heart and spirit. No longer do I see blood flowing profusely from my hands instead there is a faint stain of color, no longer a bright crimson but now muted into variant shades of blue,green,black,white, brown,red, and yellow. Is it the love of those that care that helps the healing, the quiet yet steady support they have given, the shoulder of friendship from one that means a lot to me or is it the steady work that I find to occupy me that serves as a salve to an open wound, the laughter of my children, my grandson, and Cana's children that pour a healing oil over the wounds or her laughter and smile as we sit and talk at the fires, I do not think it is any one of these things, but it is each of them together that has eradicated the necrosis of my soul and allowed it to granulate and heal until it once more begins to mend to grow into a viable, healthy, vibrating entity. It still has scars and sensitive areas that will take time to mend. But the pieces are slowly coagulating in place, knitting and strengthening.
I have finally reorganized many aspects of my life, and stepped onto the new path set before me, do I know where it will lead? No, for we do not see our own futures, we see things of others but for our own protection we are blind. Do I try to anticipate what will happen? No. Life will bring what it will bring, whether I fight for it or against it, fate will do as it will. I am at peace within myself, having sloughed off the heavy mantle of concerns and thoughts of others, they do not define me, they do not make me who I am or who I am not, they have no power to touch me unless I give it, I had allowed myself to worry of things that are not important. Even a Haruspex is flawed, not a one of us are perfect we fall, abraise our flesh and gouge our souls as all do. But the advantage is that we can see things differently in order to move ahead in life. I will continue to teach those who have what it takes to learn, I will continue to guide those who need counseling.
I have started over many times in my life and I do so once more, I do not fall long, I know how to rise upward and stand tall, I am true to myself. I accept me as I am. Others may not but that is their loss not mine, my life is a story and I will share it with those who wish to know, to those that will accept me as I am all the good and all the bad.
I have been to the clan fires to sit with Chulun, I am not sure I have quite forgiven him yet for his little trick, but then again, I would have done the same and have a time or two. I have shared with him the vision that came to me at the fires, fear is a powerful thing, it can be positive or negative, in which way I decide to use it will determine if it will devour me or consume me, I will have to think on this, I risk much stepping thru the fear, but I risk more by not. It is a cross roads, a decision to think upon. I will meditate upon it as he suggested, sometimes talking to him is like talking to myself. For every loss there is a gift given, for every bad thing there is something good to be found, and for every heartache there is also joy to be given. What I choose is up to me, not others. There are some who influence and touch me, but ultimately no one can take from me who and what I am. I am me, simple in needs and wants, it is small things that make me happy not the over the top orchestrated dramas, the things I value in life are different from others. Because it is not the grandiose that brings a smile to me, it is the small things, a gesture, a thought, a word or a look.
I have given the young spex Noelani a task, I look forward to seeing what she shows me. And which stone she picked. There are other young ones I have been working with, teaching them basic simple techniques. It keeps me busy. Busy is a good thing, by the time I return to my furs I am tired. So tired I sleep. There are a few who have sent me things that I need to thank, I will think upon the best way to thank them.
Life is a circle, no beginning and no end. For now I will wait to see what the skies have in store for me.
