To see

Something drew me from my wagons, what I am not really sure for I had no intention of leaving them or of being around anyone, but against my will my own steps would betray me and carry me from the wagons, I neared the main fires and found it quiet. Strangely so.

I would sit there for a few ahns just listening to the sounds of the camp, I then took the blade my father had given me when I was young, then it was to big and heavy but now it fits in my hand, it is old and bejeweled, he told me my mother used it for various things of which he had no idea of,I have sat here sharpening it, thinking and planning. When I decide something I give no warning, no hint of what is in my mind, I simply just do it. I bathed the blade in various oils and cleaned it and wrapped it in a special hide with herbs,I will use it the day of Garyx pyre, it has a purpose. But not one any would expect or assume it means.

Ba'atar has asked when I wish to have it, if I answer truthfully that would be never, but it has to be done, so I expect within the next few days I will have it done, I will keep it small, unpretentious, and sacred as he would have liked it to be. It will be short and quick not some long drawn out affair. He would prefer a celebration of his life , I have all ready for it.

I had three baskets before me, two are empty and one has various plants in them, I separate the flowers from the leaves and stems and sort them as I listen to the fire, while I worked something felt off, it wasn't a sound or movement but it was a feeling, when I looked up and over the fire I saw an ost. At first I thought nothing of it, an ost usually will slither along the ground on its own merry way if you leave it alone. So I went back to what I was doing, though I was careful to keep an eye out for it.

As I worked I felt a familiar sensation and I looked up noticing the invisible ripple of the air about me, it was then I saw an older man walk towards me, though his hair was long and silver, he had a presence and power to him that was undeniable and I could feel my head lower in acknowledgement to him. I did not know him, but he was clearly a warrior of strength and skill, the scars to his face and his build revealed much, yet I knew he was more than a warrior.

I did not know him, but yet he was familiar, "Oh but you do, young one." he would state, now that I found funny given my age and yet to him I would be like a young twenty old kid, that is still wet behind the ears. I had to smile at that, then it struck me the color of his eyes, they were like mine. He would smile, "You get the same expressions your mother used to get when she was thinking or something began to seem familiar to her." He then touched my arm, "You must find yourself again and find your clarity of vision, some things are not as they appear, and some are not as you think." Well he wasn't telling me anything I did not know, "Where you think all is lost it is not, where you think there is lack of caring there is not, you are fighting everything within you and around you. Even a Haruspex can communicate wrong or misunderstand something, all are still but flawed humans. Remember do not fear the heart of the ost." Now that was a strange thing to say. He was speaking in those riddles that I hated and then I realized there are times I do the same myself, " There is much yet that awaits you, do not destroy your self so you cannot feel. The black larl still watches over you, in time you will see him again. Another will be guiding him now. Trust your heart and instincts "

Then with that he was gone, as if never there.

As I turned I could hear a hissing sound and when I looked there was the same ost only this time he was huge towering over me. I felt fear crawl down the length of my spine, osts were fatal , you did not recover from their bite, but they never grew large like this, surely this was a figment of my mind that has been over active lately. But, I felt the wind about me, the warmth of the fire and caught the feel of the flicker of its tongue along my skin, well, maybe I wasn't imagining it. "Remember do not fear the heart of the ost." I knew that many animals relied on movement of its prey, vibration and heat and they devoured the fear of what they consumed. I stood very still, not moving and barely breathing as I watched it sway over me and open its mouth over extending it to reveal its poisonous fangs, I wanted to run, this was not a way I would wish to die, the copper scent of blood, and the acrid stench that it emitted were enough to make you want to fall over dead from that alone, it was a noxious mixture. slowly its mouth enveloped me, I could feel the spasm of muscles as it worked its way over me, it was odd the warm liquid like substance around me,the softness of the tissue as its mouth closed around me until I felt myself glide downward inside it, well now I know how prey fills, but I could hear its heartbeat and feel it, it was loud, it was steady and reverberated around me to a deafening tone, the heart, do not fear it. It took me some time but eventually I took my quiva that was at my waist and I stabbed it into the muscle of the heart, blindly cutting the major vessels of it, for I could not see but I could see, the blood would spurt and I could hear its screams as I cut out the heart and then the next thing I knew I was sitting by the fire, watching the small ost of earlier slither on the ground.

Did I fall asleep and dream it I wondered, but I caught on the ground a drop of blood, and I reached out to touch it, I did not dream it but yet nothing was disturbed, no one had seen or heard anything, though in truth I was not surprised.

What did it mean?

I would have to go to the clan out. "Great I would mutter to myself."

Pride of Accomplishment

It was early morning when I decided to get out of my furs, I had been awake for many ahns, I had forgotten what it was like to sleep alone, I cant say that I really like it, it will take time to get used to it, there is no warmth around me to let me know that I am needed and protected, there is no quiet strength to calm me and keep the dreams and visions from coming in at a speed and intensity that keeps me awake. I find myself tossing and turning, getting up and going for a walk at odd times of the night. During the day is not as hard, it is the night that is the hardest . Eventually I will get used to it, I always do.

I had been out hunting with Chay for a while, one thing about her is that she sees only in black and white so to speak, there is no complications of a mixture of grey or colors. There are times I wish I were like that, but yet I am glad I am not. Even she will say that she wishes she understood the complexities of people more, it would help her to be understanding, and she is the first to admit she isn't, she takes things as they are almost in a literal sense. She lives by the laws of survival, it is or it isn't, there is no in between, only life and death. Hunter or the prey. I had learned a lot from her over the turnings, and this morning it was nice just to do something that required no explanations, no forced smiles. We rode for some time, I am a bit rusty in some things and she enjoyed harassing me about it, her sense of humor is sometimes quite interesting. But I know her and knew it was not meant in a way to be hurtful, it was simply her. And I am glad she is the way she is. Because it allowed me to give it back to her without fear of being taken wrong. The hunt was a nice diversion, as well as productive, we had enough to give to others who might need it and I had enough for myself as well, and a few hides to work on. My hands and mind would be kept busy. Her two children are growing up fast , I can see both my father and her in them the youngest girl, she is going to be a heartbreaker and I can see it will take a unique type of man to handle her when she grows up into a woman, she not only has many of Chays ways, which is kind of spooky as you watch her it is like a mini Chay, but it is tempered with a softness Chay does not have, and I see that logic of my father and that stubbornness of her. It should prove interesting to see how she grows up. Just as it will be interesting to see Cana and Ba'atars girls grow up. To see which parts of them are blended into them. The younger generations of warriors I see are going to be up against some beautiful, stubborn and intelligent women in the future. I hope I get to see what each of these young ones become.

I was cleaning a fresh hide when Hallie arrived, I could see she had been out in the kailla pens just from the look of her and she was grinning from ear to ear, something had happened and from her expression I could see that it was something she was very proud of. I waited to see what she had to say, knowing that she was just bursting to tell her story. So I cleaned my hands off and sat down on one of the steps, where she joined me. She began to tell me of how she had been helping with one of the kaiila that had been wounded, she found out that it was a favorite one of the warrior that rode him,it brought him luck, at least in his mind he felt this and this is something important to a person. She and Cana had not sure that the kailla would survive because he was so badly hurt. I could see the pride in her eyes as she spoke of how she helped to take care of him, she was animated and I had to smile as I watched her. It is hard to believe she has grown up into such a beautiful, secure and confident young woman. It seemed like just yesterday she was this tiny baby in my arms. She enjoys what she does and it shows. She told me of how she sat with the kailla for many ahns taking care of him. Now I do not know what all she did but I could see she was proud of herself. She got so excited as she spoke of how this morning he got up and was walking around, granted slowly but still moving better and was eating. She felt that he was going to be alright, and she spoke of how the warrior looked when he came to check on him, I think that it was the look of relief and joy of the warrior that really made her feel that she did something wonderful. I think now she understands the rewards of following your heart and doing what you enjoy. She hugged me and kissed my cheek she was off to find Cana so she could tell her what happened, I knew that Cana would be very proud of her. She taught her well and now it was beginning to show.

I smiled as I watched her, she was going to be alright, she knew that she had me and others here for her for anything she needed or wanted. I am glad that something good has occurred it aides in walking thru the difficult times of life.

I cleaned up a bit and went to check on some of the warriors that had been riding with Garyx,to see how they were doing, I had no doubt the healers were taking great care of them, but many of them had often spent time at my fires so I knew them. I wanted to make sure they were doing well and not blaming themselves for what happened. Men sometimes get strange ideas in their heads.

There is nothing we can do about fate, what is meant to happen will happen. And once more my own path is set upon a new course in life, what it holds, well, that I do not yet know. Time will reveal what will come my way.

Not ready to be around people

I had gone to the stream as had become my routine I go when it is quiet and no one is there, I sit upon one particular rock and just listen to the water, and I let my mind wander to many things. It is safe here, only the faint whisper of the grasses as they sway in the breeze, only the occasional song of a bird as it calls to its own, and only the rushing of the water as it flows along its winding path. It calms me, and lets me get a hold of various thoughts.

The quiet was interrupted by the distinct sound of Ba'atars footsteps nearing the stream, I know his step just as I know the steps of those I am around all the time. He sat and talked with me a short while, I think he was checking to make sure I still lived and breathed. His friendship is treasured and valued, he asked a question and I answered, he listened to a few of my thoughts. There are things I do not think we will agree to see eye to eye on, but then when does anyone ever agree on anything all of the time, it was appreciated the time he took to just sit and talk, not of anything urgent or important just simple talk between friends, though still I would like to smack that arrogance out of him at times and said as much, I was honest in a few things I felt about various situations. He gave his point of view, I can agree with some aspects, but others I don't and I am alright with that. He is a man and sees things one way, I am a woman and I see things in a different way, that does not mean that he is right and I am wrong, or that he is wrong and I am right. It merely is two different angles on the same concept. And with such you can sometimes come to seeing things in a different light. Though there are some things I wisely kept my mouth shut on.

At least I laughed tonight, I am thinking that is a good sign.

I thought I might go to the main fires and see if Cana or anyone else was about the fires. She was, as I could hear her flute music gliding along the wings of the winds, as always what she plays is beautiful. I decided to find something to drink not really in the mood to eat anything, I have yet to really regain my appetite, though I do pick so that Chulun does not smack my head off my shoulders. He watches me like a herlit ready to pounce upon its prey.

Cana was not alone, Fonce was there also, now, from him I expected cool politeness given what he said the last time I saw him. I was not disappointed. There is definitely a change,one that makes him unapproachable,at least in regards to me, if this is the path he wishes to follow then so be it. Seeing what I have, I will be retiring from the clan, I will send the ones I have been teaching to him for guidance he can handle it all ,do it all and have it all. The only reason the greeting was offered at all is because I am tribe. Nothing more, nothing less. I did not expect warmth or a smile or even for him to inquire as to how I was doing or if I needed anything that would require an element of caring and I know it is not there so at least he did not offer something not felt. That is better than pretending. Though a part of me had in some small part hoped otherwise. Sometimes I just never learn to give up, though I think I am learning it now.

Though getting such from Cana that I did not expect, it was as if I was some stranger or person with the bazi plague, at least that is how I felt. Though I am sure it was not intended that way. I did not linger long as I walked into a discussion that did not leave room for a third wheel. And I felt rather out of place,so I left as quietly as I had arrived.

Once at my own wagons, I cradled the bowl of black wine and was tempted to toss it aside, but that would be wasting and I wasn't about to do that. After a few ehn of calming my thoughts. It occurred to me I am not ready to be around people, clearly my emotions are too sensitive and fragile. I had merely walked in on a discussion between two people that are friends and share an easy going way of talking to each other. Cana has been a daughter,sister and friend to me for too long for her to have intentionally done such. We have been thru much together and shared much, so it has to be just me feeling to raw and ill at ease. At least that is what I hope. She is one of the few I treasure, it would kill me to lose her to.

I felt myself curse as I wiped away the tears that fell, damn emotions, damn people and damn situations and damn me for feeling this way.

I need to find my way back to that empty, hollow place that has no emotion. But for some reason I cant seem to find it. Maybe I need new eyes.

I could go and kill a slave and find a pair of blue eyes, or green, or brown.. So many choices.

Tomorrow is another day

The beginnings of acceptance

Arkus had stopped by earlier with some fresh meat, it was in fact too much for me as lately my appetite has been scarce to nonexistent. But I took it and I cut it into various sections some I cut into thin strips and seasoned them so that I could then dry them out for use later in the season when it would be needed. Another portion was cut and I wrapped it and walked along the infinite rows of wagons, until I found a few elders who had no family left or anyone to provide for them and I gave it to them to divide up. I did not linger long, but just long enough to share a bowl of black wine with them. I listened to their stories, but then I always did enjoy the older ones they had experienced so much and their tales never bored me, much of what people share has always fascinated me.

After a short while I left them and returned to my own wagons, they were like an isolated fortress for me in the past few days, I had locked myself away in more than one way, working thru various emotions, thoughts and rants. Some were viable some were not, but I had to work thru it. I went thru the why stage, the wanting to know why he was taken away in the prime of his life, why had they taken the only man who was and would ever be the only one to understand me and know me. Of course the answers made no sense, but when did they ever at the time of emotional turmoil. I went thru the anger stage, angry at the sky for taking him and angry at Garyx for dying, angry at myself for not finding him in time or being able to fix the wounds, the fury would erupt like an uncontrolled fire storm from a volcano, rising and exploding and splashing outward into a million fragments of spitting fury. I could feel it rage and burn thru me, I could barely control the elemental part of me that rose to the surface threatening to consume and devour.

Beneath the fury came the ice cold numbness of feeling nothing,only a heavy blanket of lethargy would envelope me and force me to sleep for long periods of time. I found myself stuck in this place for a while, the place of not caring, of self pity and despondency. I wanted to wallow in this pit and never leave it. So many thoughts go thru my mind from thoughts of self destruction that would bring about my own demise, that was a strong one, so strong that I could taste it and feel it. Yes, that one I felt the strongest, I even have it all planned out how to make it happen without breaking my promise. Woven within this fabric of emotions were other thoughts both concrete and nonsensical, a flood tide of images would bombard my mind,my soul and my spirit.

Until eventually I reached the plateau of acceptance. Well sort of.

There are no certainties of life, the only thing we know of without a doubt is we are born and we die. It is a part of our life, we each know that at any given moment upon the plains we could lose a child, a parent, a sibling, a mate, or a soul mate. It does not mean it hurts less knowing this, it does not mean we do not grieve, but it does mean that we do not dwell in this morbid, dank cavern for long. This is why a Tuchuk values life so much ,why we cherish what we do.

I am no different though some like to think it. I am a survivor this is true, but survivors bear many scars some not seen, we are strong this is also true, but we also crack and break. I feel things more deeply than many realize, I am more sensitive than they know, a few have hurt me and don't think I know or care, a few of lied to me and think the consequence of it means I am mean, cold and bitter, when in truth it is the fact the pain of the betrayal has cut me so deep that I hide it, I only reveal the consequence of action. Some take my indifference at other things as meaning I do not care or I am unapproachable, this is also not true, when the same people take a piece of your flesh with each encounter you no longer have the strength to fight to show you care enough to want them in your life, they do not understand or are not quite right in their thoughts, when you bleed from those wounds so profusely that you lack the energy to even continue to try because the disappointment hurts to much and it finally becomes clear that to them you are not valuable to them or worthwhile in some way. And yet others take a passionate reaction as a reflection upon themselves, to turn a situation around so that it is justifiable to them to have a reason to not try or care or to think I do not.

I know of these thoughts, I have heard them voiced, or spoken of by others, I have seen and felt them first hand, I do not justify them nor speak of them because it would change nothing. People will think what they will, truth is, I feel very deeply in a way I can not put into words, I can feel the frustration and anger of another, their excitement and exhilaration, their fear, their sorrow and pain. If one looked they would see in my eyes my heart on my sleeve when it comes to those I care of . Some have a misguided notion that I am perfect or think I am, skies above, that is just to funny to me, for I can attest first hand I am very flawed and the most imperfect person I know, but I will stand up for what is right and true, regardless of the trouble it gets me into. I will stand up for what I feel and think, regardless of the consequence to myself. I will fight tooth and nail for tradition and what is Tuchuk and I will be outspoken on what is not regardless of who it is. Wether it is a slave,warrior,free woman, prospect, or eve an Ubar, and I am sure I will continue to piss people off. But the bottom line is, I am always honest in what I say or do, I will speak it bluntly and truthfully, you always know where you stand with me. I warn people if you really want to know, do not ask me. Be sure you really want to know. Because I will tell you.

If I vent and rant and rave and yell, then it is out of my system and it is done, then I can talk of what had me all wound up, its when I don't talk of things, or am silent that there is a path of no forgiveness being forged, and it is up to the other to determine if that will be cemented in stone or if the path will change, right now there are a couple on this path, it is up to them what comes of it, my days of trying and going out of my way to fight for friendship and understanding are done. It takes two and I no longer will shoulder all the work and being the first to speak, offer a way for things to happen or too make things happen, it always takes two. And I never ever forget anything. I am a Tuchuk thru and thru, and all tuchuks have a knack for remembering things.

It is all these things I have thought upon and worked thru, to finally reach the place where I can maybe once more be among people. I knew I could not before this without breaking down and I very rarely show my personal or deeply private thoughts or emotions in public.

Although I have reached this place I know that yet there will be good days and bad, each of the children have spent their time with Garyx, to speak their hearts to just him, the pyre is but a formality, a proper way to send him off on that final journey. I know soon it is to come I am just not yet sure when we will be able to do so, that is not up to me.

But it still sucks no matter how I try to pretty up the thought in my head. But, life goes on. . and so do we. .

Just another day upon the plains

The deeper darker shades of night hold an infinite amount of power and knowledge,even the youngest of a Haruspex can feel the subtle shifts within its seemingly serene canvas. Youngest not in age,for an adult can have no teaching or understanding and still starting the lessons to help them understand and control what they can do, but young as in a youngling learning, stretching their wings and expanding and reaching. They may not understand it but much is all around them even when there seems to be nothing there.

I sit on the platform of my wagon, gazing at the skies, seeing various things slide along the darkness, I listen to the sounds of the night, the voices that carry on the wind that are thought to be silent but to me at the moment are sharp like the edge of broken glass, the laughter of small children as they prepare for sleep but yet want to stay awake and enjoy more of the day even though it has ended. The faint hissing and crackling of the fires from various places throughout the camp. Things tonight sound crisp and loud, why I am not yet sure.

I spent much of my time packing up my wagons,my sons ensured all the heavy stuff was taken care of, I have to laugh to myself as I watch them, they suddenly think me helpless. I am far from that, I managed to take care of myself for over twenty envars without a mate before while traveling Gor and I think I can handle doing things on my own now. But, seeing the pride in their eyes as they do things, I could not and would not take that from them. Though eventually, I am sure I will have to gently remind them that I am fine, but not until they get on my last nerve.

We will move in the morning so I walked down to the stream to relax by the water,I have spent a lot of time there lately. It is the sound of the water that wraps about my senses coating them in a liquid serenity, calming my mind. Removing my boots I let the water flow about my feet, the feel of the cool water along my flesh is like a light fluid caress reaching in and relaxing my body. I was not the only one as I heard voices around me,I opened my eyes watching a few young ones, chase each other and torment each other, I could not help but smile a bit as I watched them. They were in the stages of not yet adults but not yet out of childhood. A few slaves were not far from me washing and talking of various things, interesting what you hear when you listen. A few things were a surprise to me, but I don't put much stock in the gossip of people, but some of it was amusing none the less.

I knew someone was behind me and I do as I always do when I know someone may touch me, with enough time I can prepare myself so I do not pick up on things they feel or think, the empathic part of me is at times to much even for me, most do not realize this is why I do not like anyone to just come up and touch me, not because I dislike the touch of others, that is not true, it is because sometimes that sudden influx of what they feel is like throwing me into a fire pit and ice water at the same time. I feel what they feel physically and emotionally, and that is something that is difficult at times to encompass.

I smiled feeling the strong yet gentle warm squeeze to my shoulder, no words were needed, I watched as various people congregated along the embankment it seemed as if everyone had the same idea, though I did not join in the joviality of the night, I mostly observed those gathered, taking note of various expressions, thoughts and actions. A few things spoken of did surprise me, I had to wonder at these things, I could see some were in for some rude awakenings and others would be in for a few surprises.

After a few ehn there were way to many about me and I needed to find some quiet space, I really wasn't yet able to laugh and joke, I am not sure if I will be. Besides I had a plan to plot, I had things to prepare, because there was one,that I would seek, the outcome of it would yet to be determined. The outcome depends on if I go after this one my self, or if I have others help. If I do it myself I am not breaking my promise.

Once at my wagons, I slipped inside and prepared for the night, slowly unbraiding my hair from its confinement, letting it fall about me, I would brush it out slowly as my mind wondered, it has only been cut once and that was when Lochley died. I was not looking forward to the pyre, it would be harder to do than even sending my children off that had died, Kain and Lochlan gave their lives by protecting others of the tribe, the others that died did so for various reasons, some by their own making, but that did not make it less painful. Undressing I apply some oil and moved it along my arms and legs, I realize as I relaxed this night I overdid it, and those muscles are protesting vehemently. Keeping busy is good, but I know I did to much, tomorrow I will be careful.

Sleep would not come easy for me I knew, I would lay for ahns thinking of many things, choices to make and figuring out just what to do now was fore most in my mind. Eventually I would feel the song of the siren of the night lull me into sleep, but not until late in the night.

Where to begin

Awareness began to claw at my brain, seeping into every synapse of my mind, clinging like a thick gelatous blanket. I did not want to wake up and be aware, I rather liked that bliss of being suspended, not feeling, just relaxed,without thought, without dream without emotion. To bad it wouldn't or couldn't last long.

My eyes felt heavy, it took an effort to open them, it felt like there was sand beneath my lids, just what did I consume. I tried to think but it took too much effort, it could be any number of herbs or liquid concoctions. I hated taking anything, it was not common knowledge but it was not hidden either. I rarely took anything that was altering to my mind or senses, left me without control of thought or action, simply for those reasons alone, but also because it left me with a heaviness,a fogginess in my head that took time to get rid of, that is why I never drink anything stronger than black wine. Only on a rare occasion have I had any form of wine or anything with altering effects. Even in rituals I only used things sparingly because I had no tolerance to it. Yes, when it comes to things like that, I am very much a lightweight.

Slowly I sat up and looked around, I put my hand to my head, I swear I think I will contemplate killing that old man, actually I wouldn't but a good payback is due, he knows how I hate that, and had I been thinking I would have known what he was up to. That is why he took advantage of it, this was the only time in all the turnings he has known me that he could pull a fast one on me. Even if he felt it was justified, it did not mean I had to agree or like it.

It was then I noticed Hallie, curled up nearby sleeping, I could see where tears stained her cheeks,the youngest son was sitting nearby with Arkus, both of them were quiet, yet watchful as if they were my protectors, that would be so typical of them, stepping in where they felt they needed to be, though I did not need protecting or help, I know that they want to feel needed and feel that they are the men and they need to take care of the women. They moved to sit beside me, each would hug me and I could feel the emotions they felt as each spoke of their pain and sense of loss, Garyx had been such a force in their lives, teaching, guiding, being there the way a warrior would be for his children, even the ones who were not his by blood, he considered them his because they were mine and he loved each the same. They released their hold on me yet they stayed near as if afraid I would vanish also. I assured them I was alright, even if I wasn't.

But these are not burdens one lays upon their children. I spoke with them on various things, answering their questions, there has not much been said because I am not one to sit about and speak in public of things, I have always been very private and will always be so. I am thankful for the few days of quiet to gather myself before I have to face others. I know that only a few know of what has happened. Garyx would have appreciated that,it goes with how he was.

Though soon the time will come for the drummers to speak of it and the pyre be set, I have heard of a move, in truth I only caught a part of it upon my return, I will have to find out what is going on . Not that it is up front in my mind, I can barely formulate what to do next let alone prepare things, but maybe it will keep me busy. I assured Arkus I was alright that he needed to tend to clan things first and help with the move, I gently reminded him as much as he felt he needed to do for me, first things first, see to the tribe needs, then his clan needs, then the family. I could tell he was fighting the instinct to reach out to me but I saw him take hold of his emotions and give understanding of what needed to be done, I had to smile for he made the right choice he was growing into a fine warrior, one that I am proud of. The youngest son said he would go help him, I told them both I would send word if I needed anything. Right now..
What I needed no one could give me.

As they left Hallie stirred and I lay down beside her and spoke softly to her, she grasped me in what was akin to a death grip,and cried her heart out, she adored Garyx and it pained me deeply to see her heartbreak, I knew that all of my children would take it hard, I gently stroked her hair and spoke softly to her calming her down. She fell asleep once more having worn herself out emotionally, but it was a good thing she got it out. It would help her move onward in life. As I lay there with her I began to go thru my mind what needed to be done, the order of things I was not yet sure, first I had to find out about this move, then I would figure what to do from there, now, that just meant one thing.

I had to drag my sorry carcass out of the furs and get busy. Maybe just a few more ehn I will lay here. Yes, that is a wonderful idea, bury myself under the furs for a few more ehn.

Yea, right, I am fooling myself I have had more enough sleep and I can't lay here forever, slowly I disengage myself from my daughter. Ulric told me that Falon has been busy with the wounded men, this is good it will keep her busy and not allow her to sit and worry. I move out from the wagon and I step outside and down the steps.

I would seem that a slave has prepared some fresh black wine, not sure who as most don't venture near my wagons,this is one time I will let who ever it was live, as it is much appreciated, even some stew, though I don't think I will touch it, the bread should sit well enough. I nibble a bit not really hungry, but I try to eat it as I look around to see where to begin.

To Prepare

I have not left my wagons since our return from the battle sight. At first I sat for many ahns by the lifeless form of my mate. I found I could do nothing, I just sat beside him, my head resting on his chest that no longer lifted and lowered with breath. My arm lay over him as I just sat there and cried, once I let the control go there was a flood tide of emotion that I did not try to stop, there was a point in the late of the night when I realized that the low,haunting cry that echoed in the air was my own, it was drawn from the deepest part of me . How long I sat there I was not even sure. How long those cries were torn from me I don't even know.

Eventually, I finally moved and removed the bloody tattered clothing that clung to him and removed the arrows. I had sent a slave to bring me water and cloths then I dismissed her. I then began to gently bathe him and remove the grime and blood from him, once in a while my fingers would linger over a scar that adorned him, he was covered with not a part of him was unmarked and I knew every scar he bore and why, he had entrusted me with his deepest secrets and I kept them within me like a priceless treasure, for they were that. When a man trusts you, it says a lot. Even now the two smiley faces he bore from when I stitched him up were evident on the cold flesh, it has been a joke between us afterward, counting how many he would have before he grew old and died. The water was no longer clear when I finished, it was cloudy and sanguineous. I prepared the oils that I used for this purpose along with various herbs and other things that were sacred and prepared by the Haruspex clan .There is a reason our pyres consumed our loved ones so that no remains were left. Slowly my hands would begin with his face gently applying the oil over every part of him, no part was missed. Even in death he had a quiet strength to him, that was his way, he was quiet, deeply personal. Much of what was seen in public was different than what he would show in private, he was not one for affection in public, but in private I never lacked for his affection or the look he had in his eyes to reveal his love or his passions and sometimes both. Not to mention the rare true anger over something I might do or say. Most times he allowed me free reign of my mouth when I needed to get it out, he understood that about me, that when furious I needed to get it out and that it would sound all wrong and my tongue could be like a sharp blade, and when was all said and done he would sit and talk with me about what I said and felt, guiding me to see some things differently and also supporting me and giving his thoughts.

The rare smile that was given in public was always seen in the privacy of our wagon, as my hands moved along his body letting it absorb the oil I remember many things, how he would hold me, of the new things we would explore not only mentally but physically, we had no walls, no barriers,we held nothing back from each other. And he never judged me for the things I knew and how I came to know them, in fact he rather enjoyed them. He never judged me when he learned my secrets. It did not make me less of a person or woman in his eyes it made me more because of the circumstances. The scars I bear upon my body never repulsed him, instead he was fascinated by how I got them. He told me they added to my beauty. He was a rare man, special and unique. Only one other outside of him came close to understanding me and knew how to deal with me and talk to me. Now both are gone.

I dressed him in his favorite clothing, I had made them for him long ago. Now he would take his journey in them. I placed his weapons in his hands and his amulet and arm band were replaced.His hair even in death was unruly and wild, our youngest son has his look. I had to laugh just a bit as it always gave him just a hint of a wild look, and in many ways he was. Maybe that is why he was able to mesh with me so well. He saw that untamed part of me and savored it, instead of trying to control it and crush it. He would at times on purposely provoke it.

I know soon I must do his pyre. To give him his final step into his journey. I just can't seem to do it. It was then I heard the old weathered voice of Chulun just outside the wagon. "You must keep the promise you made." I am not surprised that he knew of it. He is much older than I am and is able to do things with an ease that I have not yet mastered. I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Come, you must eat and bathe." It was then I noticed that I was still covered in blood. I was reluctant to leave his side, I did not want to, I wanted to stay, in truth I wanted to lay upon the pyre with him, and as if he knew Chulun lightly tapped my head not with his usual vigorous slap but enough to get my attention, " Remember your promise. " I would nod, I gave my word and when I give it, I keep it. Though it was only that I would not take my own life or let myself fall into that despair and walk the shadows, that was all I promised. I already knew what I would do.

As I left the wagon, Chulun stayed inside, he would sit with Garyx until my return, I knew then that the old spex was going to do something and I would go and clean up. Father sent lily to help me with anything I needed, at first I thought not to let her but she had a way about her that allowed for you to let her take care of you. She would braid my hair for me after I was finished, brushing out the long strands of ebony, I felt myself struggle with many emotions as she did this, once I dressed and left the bathing wagons I burned the clothing and sat by my fires. Lily brought me stew and bread, I ate a little of it, more or less forced myself.

I found myself unusually tired as I sat there, then it dawned on me suddenly that sneaky old spex had put something in the stew, I could not even get out the string of curses that would make a sailor blush out before my eyes were to heavy to hold open, I heard him chuckling as Ulric scooped me up and carried me inside, "It was the only way to ensure you got rest." I head Chulun say just as I fell into the beckoning arms of darkness into a dreamless sleep which is what they intended. "Damn interfering spex." I managed to mutter before it was lights out.

Ulric would place one of his men outside my wagon unknown to me. No one outside of the names he gave to the young warrior were allowed inside the wagon. He had strict orders. Lily would keep fire going and ensure things around the wagons were taken care of as I slept for what seemed an eternity when in truth it was thru the night and part way thru the next day. But it was needed.

The skies claim a warrior. . .

It seemed the further I rode from camp the colder I felt, almost as if I was dying, swallowed by the darker part of me that resides in the deepest depths of my being, I could feel it rising slowly, hort by hort, clawing its way to the surface, ripping and tearing away at the inner parts of me. I tried to push it down but the harder I tried the more it seemed to surge forward trying to reach its goal. The rain was steady and strangely gentle, but it would seep into my flesh and bones to bring forth a chill that I do not think I would ever warm from. The mists seemed to lift and rise as if a living breathing entity shrouding everything within its cadaverous grasp.

Beneath the hazy over cast gaze of the sky I found Garyx, he was laying so still on the ground, had it not been for the labored breathing I would have thought him already gone from me. I quickly dismounted and moved to his side, I could hear my heart thunder so loud in my chest that I was sure it could be heard over the entire plains, I was robbed of my breath as I saw the number of wounds that decorated his body, I already knew there was no way to save him. But I would try anyway. However, Garyx stilled my hands we both knew it was futile, he would shake his head in that familiar slight movement that I knew so well. I moved to sit beside him my hand curled around his as I looked to him, his eyes still that vibrant shade of green that was unique and different, I have always enjoyed looking into them, I saw so much and even now I saw much. We could have wasted time on the whys and what ifs, but that is not how we are. We would often laugh about how many could not understand how he tolerated me, it would cause him vast amusement, because it made no sense to him, but he knew how to talk to me not above me or at me, he knew how to listen, truly listen not just hear but to listen to what was said and not said, I am not so hard to understand or know, but it seems to most I am. Even now he says much by not saying a word, just the look in his eyes, in all my days which are quite numerous I have not seen what I see in his eyes in any other. To know I will never again look into them breaks my heart into a million pieces.

After a few moments we would speak of what was in our hearts and what we felt. Something that we have always done, a day never went by that we did not let each other know how deep the love was we felt for each other or that we were thinking of each other. It was our way of knowing that if anything happened to one of us, the other would know how deeply they were loved. We would not have the regrets of saying if only I had said or done . We do not have them now. We have shared a life together that made us a part of the other, we knew where the other was or what the other thought without even a word being spoken. He knew when something bothered me or angered me, he knew when to push and when to give me room to vent it. A rare gift in a man.

He knows me well,he has made me promise to take care of myself and not let myself drown in emotions that will rob me of spirit and health. Well I wasn't sure I could promise this, I remember what happened when Lochley died, but then I had Falon, Tanzia and Lochlan to look after they were only five turnings, so I was needed. They are all grown or dead, so that is no longer an anchor for me. And my bond to Garyx is much deeper and stronger, which makes this even more difficult. I did promise him , I could see relief in his eyes. He knew if I promised that I would keep it as I never make promises unless I will keep it. I felt his hand on my cheek as we talked, he would wipe the tears away and give that rare smile that he reserved just for me, his words of love made it harder to keep them at bay, I would smile and speak my heart to him, he told me of the things he wanted me to do. I would do as he asked. He also gave me the name he would like for his son. I promised him that the naming of our son would be done with the ceremony and tradition of the Tuchuk. I could see the pride in his eyes as our son has grown into a fine young man.

I held him close as I heard him draw in his last breaths, I would hold him for sometime before I could let go. When I did, I lay my head on his chest, I wasn't ready to let go, the scent of his blood filled my nostrils, I could feel the warmth of it along my skin. It seemed like an eternity, he now had peace no pain and no difficulty breathing, his spirit was free. And I knew this and celebrated it, but it is a double edged sword,for me there is just an emptiness, a loss of the things we planned and looked forward to. I knew someone was near, slowly I would draw in a breath and wipe away the tears, the streaks of blood would adorn my cheeks. I managed to reign in all the emotions and thoughts, tapping into that inner well of strength, however, no matter how hard I tried I could not stop the tears.

When I looked around it was Ba'atar there to my surprise, though in a way I was grateful because I was not entirely sure how I was going to get Garyx home. And it was good to have a friend there, I would not have to do this alone. That in itself meant a lot to me. I told him that we should take him home, and he took over by getting Garyx to the kaiila, I nearly lost it but I struggled to keep my composure, his words meant a lot to me whether he realizes it or not, I looked to him as he said. "Its pride for an Ubar to carry a man who carried my tribe with me. A good man." Garyx I know would have been honored by it, though he would accept it in his usual, quiet manner. He spoke of how proud I should be as he envied a man who would give his last breath for the tribe. There is little doubt of the pride I have always felt for Garyx, he was a great man, warrior, protector, provider, friend, confidante, lover and so many other things I could say. I am proud of him. Even if it hurts like hell.

We began the walk back towards the camp, he wanted to talk, now I had to wonder of this at first, I sure wasn't really up to talking. So I had to ask, why did he want to talk, I could not help it, I had to know. His answer was no surprise yet it was, it was too quiet. Then it made sense, not only would the talking keep my mind focused on something no matter how trivial or serious, he was worried about me. I told him he did not have to worry.

I would survive this. What I did not say was, I was not sure I could go on. I was not sure I really truly could. At least not in the sense many would expect, what few realize even stones crack and crumble. Most only see the public persona, and even fewer bother to really get to know me. Only one person truly really knew me in all aspects, all flaws,every nuance, all my secrets and all my thoughts. Mentally, emotionally and physically.

And he is gone.

The search begins

I never ride with a saddle, I was not sure Mist Runner would even let me put one on him, but I will see, this is one time I hope the temperamental beast will cooperate with me. To my surprise he did, it will more than likely be the only time he will. I have packed everything I can think of, why ? Because I do not want to give up hope. Even if it is futile, there is a part of me that wars against what I know. And because I am stubborn like that, I never give up hope on anything or anyone. Well, almost never, there are one or two exceptions to this.

Before I go, I move quietly about the camp looking for my children, something that is not unusual, I found Hallie and Arkus racing each other doing their usual taunting of each other, for a moment I allowed myself to smile, their banter music to my ears. It was a tie, neither lost and yet both won for they learn something more important than winning or losing, it is how you play the game. I spoke to them both, though always honest with them I did skirt aside what I knew, I only told them that I had seen where Garyx lay, he was injured and needed me. This is true. I did not lie, I just not let them know what would happen before he was able to return to us. I asked Hallie to stay close to Cana and help her with the girls, I knew I didn't have to ask, she would do it without my asking. I think those two girls have a sister they don't know about, one that will assuredly teach them how to torment brothers and other things. She might be a little spit fire and full of spirit and fire, but she has always been a good daughter in the ways that are important. She always respects her elders and knows how to behave.

Arkus, I have asked him to keep an eye on Hallie and the youngest son when he is not busy with his clan and his lessons from his mentor. He placed a hand on my shoulder,and assured me that he would take care of them I had nothing to worry of on that, he would let Falon and others know that I had to ride out for a day or two and would be returning with Garyx. He has grown into a man without me realizing it. I saw that twinkle in his eyes before he grinned as he told me that it would give him a chance to take Cana from Ba'atar, that made me chuckle, for when he was but a boy he said that and now he said it with humor because it was fun to do so. I know full well he has discovered women, there are some things a mother should just not hear of her children. But, at least the slaves that speak seem to say good things.

The youngest son will be at the clan fires, I know that Chulunn and the other Haruspex will keep an eye on him. I am not worried, but I do not like to leave without leaving word. I rarely do so, only one time have I done such, I will not this time, I have ensured that my children will let Ba'atar and Cana and a few others know of what I am doing.

With that done I return to my wagons and mount Mist Runner and pause to let myself figure out which direction to go. I ride as fast and as hard as I can make my kailla go, I cant waste any time, there is no time, it is at the moment not an ally. But then again, is it ever. As I ride I feel the light touch of the drizzle of rain, it was light but yet it was steady, along the ground I could see light film of mist swirl and float rising slowly upward, it to is not heavy but thin like a sheer veil, hazy but yet you can see. I try not to think as I ride, but I cant push down the feelings and emotions that fluctuate thru me, I feel the sorrow wrap about me the closer I ride to my destination, how far it is I do not know, but I feel that acute pain of loss in a way I have not felt in many, many turnings. I almost surrendered to the shadows when Lochley died, how would I stop myself from joining Garyx on his journey and did I want to. If I answered that right now I would say I did not, that I would follow him, in fact I even knew how to make it happen without taking my own life.

These thoughts would dance a tango with the other emotions that settled into my heart, it felt as if a piece of me was cut out, I can't do this I thought to myself, I cant get thru this, and as I thought of this I felt my eyes water, my breath seems to catch and the trembling of my body as I felt myself give into the tears and cry. I tried to stop it but I couldn't, my head throbbed with the effect of these emotions and my nose began to run. I could not give in to this, not now. I needed to be strong, I couldn't be weak, he would need me. I wiped my hand across my eyes and face erasing the emotions, or at least trying to. "Get it together Tarra," I would mutter to myself.

The advantage of riding out here alone is no one can stop me from what I plan to do. Although I had a feeling that my children would ensure I was not alone, I had the distinct feeling that someone was behind me, following me, I was not yet sure who, I knew who it wasn't because my children would not risk getting skinned alive.

I felt a sigh escape my lips, alright someone or something was against my plans and fixing to mess them up. I looked at the sky, and muttered softly. "You are not amusing." I swear I could almost hear a multitudes of laughter echoing.

Life is Given... Life is Taken

I would prepare everything needed for a delivery and lay it out, there was little doubt that Aponi had been in labor for a very long time and her time was nearer than even she realized, there was no time to consider getting her out of the water and elsewhere for the delivery. So, I did what any woman would do, stepped right into the water.

It would not be the first time that my boots and clothing have been soaked nor will it be the last, but still that heavy feeling is sometimes a bit irritating. I examined her and found her to be closer than even I thought she would be, if ever a woman was at a hundred percent effacement and completely dilated, it would have to be hands down Aponi. She filled me in on how long she had been in pain. Well, nothing to do now but let nature take its course.

When it was right I had her bear down and push as hard as she could, she tried not to cry out in pain or curse. I told her right up front, if you feel that you have to say it, then say it, if you want to scream rant and rave do it, no one will think less of you, this is the one time in life where you can say what you want and not be held accountable for it. A man only has to look once to know, that it is a pain that is by far one of the worst to endure but yet it is the most rewarding, all they have to do it try to pull their upper lip over their head and then they will have a slight inkling of what a woman goes thru. It is called labor for a reason.

I think she was afraid to say something off color, but as the pain got worse, a few very colorful phrases did pass her lips I think she shocked her mate. Women do tend to change during labor into something not known to them, I wonder why, but it did not last.. Soon the baby slipped from her into the gentle embrace of the water, as I lifted the squirming bundle, first thing I noticed was... he was one huge baby no wonder I had to cut her a bit and to.. it was most definitely a boy. His cries were like music in the air. Teng had the honor of cutting the cord and then I handed him his son, just as I cleaned her up and stitched her up. I heard Kaeli, arriving, she was both a mother and grandmother in a very short span of time. It was good to see their wagons be filled with joy and happiness.

I did not linger long as I needed to prepare for the journey I must take. As I left I could hear my boots go squish, squish, squish with each step I took. I am sure I was like a wrinkled dried piece of fruit. Once I returned to the wagon, I took care of the after birth, just as I have always done for the women of the tribe. It would nourish the plains, it was something sacred ,and it was an offering made to the skies, a thank you for the new life allowed to be brought to the tribe, and for the well being of the mother and baby. Having a baby could be dangerous and for each one allowed to survive I am thankful for.

Then I headed to my wagons and changed out of the wet clothing, good skies, my leathers stuck to my skin as if glued, making them hard to get off, if Garyx was here he would have made great fun and jokes of it and helped me get them off. The thought made me laugh a bit but also brought a deep pain to my heart, I felt the warm trail of tears on my cheeks, I don't want to cry, I hate crying. Its a weakness I rarely indulge in.

But I can't help it, the pain is to much for me. I lay down on his side of the furs and hold one of his leather jerkins close to me inhaling his scent. I cant stop the slow trickle of tears that slip from my eyes to dampen the furs. There is only silence in my wagons to mingle with the sorrow.

Life is given... and so to must be life taken .

It will not be long before I will have to leave.... it will not be long before soon everyone will know.

Right now only I know. When all know I am not so sure I can handle it. I should be used to death.

But it is never easier, it only gets harder. And this one.. This is by far the hardest. For this one I loved the deepest. What happens when he takes his last breath and the bond is severed?

Isolation.. but only for a moment

There is a weight upon my heart, my soul and my spirit. I have pushed the spex side of myself back into the recesses of myself, I know how to block it and shield it. I have stayed at my wagons, not talking to a living breathing soul. I have seen enough the past hand to know what I see. I have contemplated going to visit my sister and brother deep in the jungles, I have contemplated going to see other various people I consider friends. But, in truth,these are but random thoughts as I struggle with the storm within me. I don't have the desire to go, that means leaving the plains, something I have no desire to do. Something keeps me here, but for the life of me I am not sure what. Its like being stuck in the middle of the sinking sands with nothing to grab onto in order to get out of the suffocating mass.

I do not lack for things to do, with Garyx gone for so long there was plenty to take care of. As I looked at my circle of wagons I take note of what is needed to do. I have arranged for one of the leather workers to help me repair the one wagon. Arkus has been hunting when not working with his clan, he brings meat and any thing else I might need. In truth do I need much. I have not ventured to the clan or inside my own personal spex wagon. No, I will no longer walk that path. I got the message, not a problem this is one time I will do and say nothing. I find resentment and anger dwelling where there was once compassion and understanding, I find a coldness seeping thru me where there was once warmth. With the way I feel I might destroy something with the elements that are at my command.

I could say that I was dying but that would be wrong, I have already walked that path a time or to, and it is easier than living. But perhaps in a sense a part of me has been killed, leaving just a shell to take up space. There is a blistering inferno walled up inside, but it is kept controlled. I am used to disappointment and loss I have lived with them all my life, so why is now different. Because this time I cared enough to feel these things. I will not fall apart, I will grasp these things within with the iron grip that I once had, I will squash it and destroy it, and toss it behind a steel wall of ice to let it decay and fester into nothing.

I will do this.. wont I?

I have seen within the waters and fires those that have been claimed, father will be returning with lifeless bodies. I know who has done this. They think it the kassar's, the kassar's are only a decoy for something else. It isn't felt or seen, at least not until it is too late, even the clan can barely feel it, there is a faint ripple that can't yet be discerned, although Chuluun knows, and being the oldest of the oldest he is very concerned but, does nothing yet, he waits to see. But it is not my concern now.


I hear Garyx in my mind rendering his logic and speaking to me as he does in order to reach me, this time it is not working, I am to deep even for him to reach. I know that his strength is fading so I block that from him as I search in my mind for where he is, it breaks my heart what I see, I do not think I can survive this. I know I can't. I have hidden the fact that I would have to want to step out of that dismal, cold, putrid place. And I don't. Its safer where I reside now. Its less painful, less disappointing. We do know how to live with duality, it is as natural as breathing.

I have traded with a few to help me make a travois. It is the only time Mist Runner has allowed for anything to be attached to him. I have prepared various things to take with me, just in case, in the slim hope that maybe. But I know I can't but that doesn't mean I cant try or hope. I feel him still fighting, it is as if I can touch the arrows that darken their sky.

Before I can go. Word is brought to me from Teng that Aponi is in labor and needs help. Well, maybe I am not that far gone yet. Had I been I would have just walked away and told them to go find a healer. But I
didn't, I went without hesitation grabbing a bag I always keep ready for the just in case moments. I quickly made my way to the bathing wagon. Reminding myself to keep it together, no one can see anything. And so it is that the mask falls into place. Nothing out of the ordinary is seen.

I had to pause a moment, had I heard right, she is labor in the bathing wagon. Sure enough I heard her. Now this would be a first. I don't ever recall delivering a baby in water. Now I did have to think on this for a moment as I made my way up the steps inside the wagon.

Oh yea. Definitely a water birth. She is to far gone to be moved... So, here we go. . . .

Death draws closer

There is a heaviness about them. It is the feel of impending doom. A warrior knows when the tide has turned against them, they know this yet they do not give up. They are Tuchuk, they would die as they lived; with courage and honor. The air was heavy with an acrid smoke that burned the eyes The scent of blood was thick, and blades and arrows sung in the air as they found their targets. Bodies decorated the ground in various poses of death. A few crawled along the ground, injured yet trying to get up and continue the fight. They were out numbered, it was an unprecedented ambush in the sense that there had been no clues of an enemy nearby. Garyx had skills as a hunter that allowed him to find things often passed by, but there had been nothing. Not even a folded piece of grass or a whisper on the wind. This enemy moved with a silence that none of them had ever seen before. They swarmed out of no where, they moved with an organized purpose, annihilation of the patrol.

The commander of the patrol had been killed in the first wave of the attack. They took out the leaders first. Garyx quickly stepped in without hesitation, taking over the command of the fight. For a long time the Tuchuk warriors held their own, as he gave orders for various strategies. The blood of the enemy fed the ground, their tortured cries of pain and begging filled the air. The Tuchuk were not foolish though, they did not get over confident, as they knew that there were to many of them. But they would die like men, they would not cower and beg, they would meet death with a smile on their lips and a roar in the air.

Suddenly there was a quiet, as if the enemy vanished, but that was not possible. They took their defense positions, maintaining an alertness, breaking off into two separate groups, one moving from the other. It was then he saw a figure in the distance, cloaked and shrouded, he only saw a glimpse of a face. To their shock it was a woman. Garyx lifted a hand to silence them, "They are using a Haruspex." He recognized the way she held herself. You could always tell when one was near. He had been mated to one for a long time and there were subtle things about them if you looked. No wonder this fight seemed wrong. They were not fighting a fair battle but what did one expect? He remembered something Tarra had said on the trail and around the fire. This is what she had been speaking of, he knew it as sure as he breathed. The figure did not draw closer, instead she rode away. She had done what she desired.

The battle continued, this time the onslaught was unmerciful and relentless. Each of them felt their flesh burn as it was sliced open to allow their life blood to flow profusely. Slowly their numbers dwindled. Garyx looked about, he could not help those injured, and each knew this, with a nod of understanding he would take the few remaining men he had and tried a new tactic. He would draw the enemy away from the dead and dying. They rode their kailla fast and hard, knowing the enemy was in pursuit. Suddenly they would take a formation Garyx had shown them long ago and they fought as they never have before. Relentless in killing as many as they could, and somehow they were able to kill many of the warriors, much to their surprise, but to no avail. They were eventually over run, they had fought well. The Tuchuk would be proud and they died as they would want to; as Warriors.

Garyx felt every arrow that riddled his body every cut from a blade. He was beyond the pain as he fell to the ground. He knew his time was nearing. Something caught his attention, it was the Haruspex they had seen. She neared and crouched beside him. He noticed that she did not hold in her eyes the love of life that he had seen of those of his tribe. This is the one that he had heard spoken of. Now he understood why there was fear regarding her, not that he did as he was dying, there was no changing that. She spoke low to him giving him a message and then with a cold calculated smile she would disappear. While they fought, some of his men that were injured were able to head towards the direction of the tribe.

After some time they would run into Kamchak, who would take the dead home and the injured to the healers.

Meanwhile, Garyx let his head rest on the ground, while his thoughts drifted to his mate. He had no regrets. He had found a life on the plains, found love and had a son. The skies had blessed him. Perhaps he had one regret. He would be leaving behind his woman, Tarra. He had found in her the love he had only heard stories of, never dreaming that such could be found. She had a bond with him he had never felt before. She was all a man could want in a woman. Not only did she love without reservation, but there was between them trust, integrity, loyalty and honesty. He had to smile knowing the ranges of her emotions, from the way her eyes flashed when truly angry to the brilliance of her smile when she gave it. He knew that she was coming, she had been in his mind, talking to him. He knew that she felt what was going on, he tried to make her promise to not do anything foolish, but she would not, that was his Tarra she would not make a promise if she felt she could not keep it. He knew she was not allowing him to see the depth of her pain and sorrow, she would let him only see her heart and love during his last moments upon the plains, but they both would know, he knew what she kept hidden within.

She was near, he felt her and while not a Haruspex, the time together and the bond forged had somehow allowed for him to know when she was near. He would turn his head, to watch her near. It was fitting to die as a warrior. He was glad of that. The fact that the sky was going to allow him to see her before he drew his last breath, that was a gift that was priceless.

Drowning

It was the steady persistent pressure that brought my awareness back. It was Ulric and he was fussing like an old mother vulo. I waited for him to finish his tirade of sputtering and bellowing, sometimes he was worse than my father.

I assured him I was fine,that something I had not expected flashed thru my mind and caught me off guard. He nodded in understanding knowing that some things I could not always share, we would walk for a short while talking, then he went off to spend some time with his mate.

I eventually found my way to the main fire, maybe some strong black wine would clear the fog that lingered in my mind. Fonce was there as I arrived seems he needed his black wine as well. I took my place by the fire, cradling the black wine, the usual mundane greetings were exchanged. Though it lead to a discussion on what seemed to be what I thought or believed, and I felt as if maybe my integrity was being questioned,I never lie, I never have, I always find a way to answer truthfully without having to tell everything. Though he had a point he could answer beyond the answer of being well, if I would afford him the same. Being well, meant I lived, breathed, moved and talked. To essentially if I can do all those things then I can honestly say I am well. But was there more of course there is, but do I share it or do I not. Some I don't because they really don't give an urts ass, I thought that he might care enough to want to know. I did not think I was that off, but I guess I am.

Sometimes I have to wonder do people really want to know the truth? Because if I tell the truth of what I feel or think then it seems to tarnish me as a Haruspex, am I not more than a Haruspex? Is that all that there is to me, what of the person behind it. Does being doubtful of what I think of one thing make me less than I am. I see that it does. I suppose maybe I should stay behind that wall that gives the illusion of being wonderful and confident, without flaw and without question of people,situations, thoughts, or things. Why I might feel or think what I do. I gave my thoughts on how I was, In truth I don't know, I see death, I taste it ,I feel it and I smell it, death is coming there is not doubt, So how can I know how I am when it rips at me and pulls at me and screams at me, I see the fight that claims warriors and I can see their faces. But is it going to happen or has it already happened I do not know. So how can I say I know how I feel, if I look I will fall to pieces and never pick them up again. Because I know one of them is one closer to me than any other, I can't tell anyone this. There is almost an over sensitivity to me that I cant get rid of, can I explain how even the whisper of the wind is like a razor sharp claw ripping across my body, sending shock and pain thru me. I can't. This lead to the reading asked of him, why wasn't I doing it since I knew what has been going on. Easy . It is his time to do so. He needs to step into that spot and see and feel. This is true. I was being honest, along with the fact that he is a man. I am a woman, end of story. This was the truth that had already been made clear the other night. There was not getting around that.

He asked if I really felt this way, at the moment yes, I did, and yet at the same time I didn't, but his words to me set ablaze a fury in me that sparked and glimmered, if I had doubt of myself then I was not viable as a Haruspex, now wait a moment just who in the hell was he to question my abilities as one, damnation I had already buried two mates had four children and killed a man for the first time, walked the realm of visions before he was even a glimmer of thought in his parents eyes, and he is going to stand there and insinuate that essentially I am useless as a spex just because I have emotions and doubts. This makes me less of one?

Could he push a blade any deeper into my heart than he did at that moment, the hurt he bestowed cut deep, and I reacted to it, when he could stand in places I have then he could speak on this, when he carried what I have then he could speak on this. But for him to stand there and tell me that I was less than a Haruspex because I had thoughts and emotions that held doubt of what I felt. That just ticked me off, I have no doubt of myself as a spex, I never have I have carried this mantle all my life without every doubting it, doubting myself in some things and people has nothing to do with being a spex, having thoughts and emotions has nothing to do with what I am, because I am still a human that is passionate about many things, I am still a woman that feels deeply and without reservations, but he sure made it clear that, I was less of one.

Damn first I am nothing because I am a woman but now I am less as a spex, well color me purple. Why not just tell me I am useless. Men, I have had it with them all. What do I need them for.

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse he said he thought he could talk to me, well, wait a moment when did he ever really talk to me on anything other than simple chit chat at the fires, and maybe once in a while he would share a few things and even then I had to pull it out of him, but not often, the only time he was even warm and friendly was when I stitched his thigh and put a smiley place there, but something changed, something I never understood or knew of no matter how I tried to figure it out, but I never stopped trying or caring. Most times he made sure to make me feel that I dare not cross a certain line, that there was an invisible wall I could not pass, Forgive him for assuming he could talk to me as a friend? Now is this just not rich, he makes me feel like he did and he apologizes for talking to me as a friend, and that he would not do it again because I taught him not to. Bosk shit, that is not what I meant nor was I teaching anything. Since when do friends not have discussions back and forth, do not friends argue, or at times have heated exchange thoughts, does one walk away because the other gets a bit upset, I did not tell him he could not speak to me as he did, I only told him when he could do what I have and currently do that he could tell me that I was not viable as a spex. That was it, nothing more, how in the hell did he think I would take him saying that, smile and say why thank you for that, I don't think so. I am tired of this blanket of sensitivity laying over me. Nothing comes out right, nothing goes right.

How dare he say that I taught him what he could say or not say to me, that is such utter bosk shit. And dare tell me if I ever want a friendship to think on what I said. That implies there was not a friendship to begin with. Well, damn, even I understand that. Guess I lost one of the few I would call a freind. Should I be like the ones that are sluts in heat, would that make me viable. Should I smile and talk shit behind his back and pretend as some do, would that make me viable, or should I mate another while I yet had my heart elsewhere, and make it known upon his return, when in truth there were others in between, or abandon him as others have simply because he was gone, maybe I shouldn't have spent all the damn time I did looking for him that I did, telling people that he was not dead, better yet, should I kneel at his feet in a collar like a heated, simpering , whimpering idiot and beg. Then would I be viable as a spex and as a person. Well, then I will remain nothing, because I am none of these things.

He has hurt me today, more than a few others have. He showed much today. I should thank him for that. And he dares to just walk away in the midst of the discussion, well don't that just beat all, guess I am not worth the effort. I returned to my wagons and sat by the fire. He will not see the tears that I shed or the hurt I feel because of this. People should never ask me what I feel or think, this has proven that no one really wants to know I should thank Fonce, those walls will remain, I almost allowed another in, I will not lower them again to allow anything I feel or think to be seen.

I will stay within my personal wagons away from people. I know what I have to prepare for. What I know will remain within me, I will be like the ground silent. Guidance and thoughts will not come from me. Because I am not equipped to do it I am tainted. Death is coming, a trap is being set, he can't fight the one that is out there alone. I know what she is, I know what she looks like, what she can do. There is a reason even the elders of the clan are uneasy. But, they will find out on their own. I had already tried more than once to make it known and it was not heard and after today, I know that I better keep silent my words don't come out as they should and who will I piss of next. Though against my better judgment I sent word to Chuluun to help him, I cant let him walk blind into something that he has not known of, he needs to really look to see the danger of the spot where the grasses point, even if I am damn annoyed with him, I also let it be known that I would be resting at my wagons for a while, they would not question it knowing just what visions I had seen, as they had been taking care of those who would need it doing what we of the clan have always done for the tribe, they knew that it had taken much out of me emotionally so this influx of emotion would be assumed to be that, I would not say otherwise.

Yes, I am just bloody damn doing well.
No, I am lying for the first time... Truth is.. I am falling apart, I hurt and I am angry. And I don't really care, well. maybe just a little. Who am I kidding. That is not exactly a complete truth.

The descent begins

When you look out over the vastness of the plains, you can see that it seems to go on and on as if never ending, in truth we know that eventually you run into the vermin filled cities, the land of dwellers if you go to far. I know those places all to well. I learned much within them, saw much within them. I sometimes chuckle because a few of our own that leave give the impression we are a narrowed minded people with no ability to see beyond what is around us. And those that live in cities, think we are simpletons lacking education and knowledge. That I have found is never true. We appreciate what we have and what we are given we have riches and bounty right here upon the plains. That does not make us narrow minded.

If following our traditions as they were meant to be and not by how they have become polluted that we are. Then I would rather remain as such. If holding a person to their word, which is binding by our standards. Then I will remain such. If remaining true to myself both the good and bad and in the face of good and bad then I will remain so. If living as if part of the plains and being thankful for all that is given and taken, then I will remain so. I can say with absolute honesty that the ways of dwellers hold no appeal because they lack the ability to understand the skies, the grass, the water, the bosk and the plains itself. If I had to choose between being narrow minded or weak and dysfunctional. I know what I would choose.

But it is my thought we of the plains are not such. We just value different things and hold a person to them.

I think of this as I stand watching the grasses sway back and forth in the gentle caress of the morning breeze. I have watched many footsteps come and go. And I have watched many shed blood and take their journey to the skies. It is all there painted in a colorful tapestry over the plains, every tear shed, drop of blood shed,every laugh that echoed over the plains and every sorrowful cry carried upward to the skies. The plains has held every emotion that a human can think to know and experience, the plains has given us strength and life. There is a beauty to it that is often missed, the subtle muted colors of the morning , the fragrances that hang heavy in the air, they sounds of every living thing weaves to form the ambrosia of life. I think sometimes we overlook these things that are truly the ambiance of who and what we are. It is easy to forget to pause and just look around to appreciate the people in our life's and the richness of the plains.

Even here in this moment of tranquility I feel uneasy I have felt it for some time, but it is not taken seriously, my thoughts and knowledge are pushed aside to feed into male testosterone, after all I am only a woman what do I know. From what Ba'atar said Ayguili has not mentioned the discussion we had regarding the area where we found the arrow, of the things we have noticed for a few hands. I am guessing that there has been something of importance that sidetracked him from speaking with him on it. I did not say anything, it would mean more coming from the warrior. Besides it was more or less made clear that what I was going to share was not important. Because I am a woman, well that I know, have known for the past ninety something envars, tell me something I don't know. But, to have it tossed at me in a cavalier manner, well, now that is a kaiila of a different color. I got the message and I remained quiet, I know a lot but I am remaining silent, what I see I do not speak of. It would not matter it only falls on deaf ears. So I have made a plan.. I am going out to look for Garyx. I know who is out there, and this time I will find her myself. I know what has happened. I saw it when I walked to the spot that Ba'atar is taking as an omen to move the wagons. I think it unwise but it was not me he spoke to of it. The attitudes and things shown revealed a lot to me, I got that message to. Strange how things change because a man is near, it is as if my wisdom and experience ceases to exist. I think there was a time I would be insulted and upset over it. But it has little impact when you look at it as if detached and from a distance. Youth has to learn things on their own. I will be the fool by the fire like a trophy. Look pretty, say nothing. I got that. I can play that part.

I do know he is wrong, and I have a bad feeling of what will happen if he moves the wagons, it was not naturally done. But let them figure it out on their own, I do know that Fonce and others will not be able to completely figure it out, because there is much not known and he has no way to go against the one that is out there, the one that is there, is beyond what even the elders have ever dealt with,we have sat in counsel a few nights speaking of what we have seen, it will take more than one. But again, what do I know, I am a woman. Maybe I should stay at my fires, barefoot,pregnant and cooking and looking all soft and feminine and speak as if I am addled in the head and cant put two words together. I will not move my wagons, nor will many of the elders of the clan. Even the clan leader cannot force us when we know what we know. You can't force a spex to go against what they see and feel. I would take death or punishment over going against what I see. But let them figure it out. I know nothing.

Though I will admit that I do resent the fact that youth is chosen over age and wisdom in some things. Simply because one is a man and one is not. But that is how it is, the hand has been shown. Perhaps that is why I simply am not involved in things as I once was. Perhaps I prepare for a journey that I may not come back from, or come back from completely stripped of heart and soul. I know that I have slowly begun to not really care of things or people, I feel myself sliding back into the path of the past. To live in that isolated, cold place where I simply live, breathe and walk, I know why. I once resided there before over thirty turnings ago.A part of me has been taken, the shadows have taken something that gave me a reason to care. This time there are no young children to stop that perilous descent. If I barely survived then, how will I now resist that path.

I have seen death near the wagons, I could not walk past a certain point where they wish to move the wagons. The pain that shot thru my body felt as if blades sliced me from head to toe, painful enough that I fell to my knees unable to catch my breath, I saw blood. Then I remembered the blood on the moon, I could not breathe, as I caught the scent of death, it was heavy and it was tangible, and it was coming, it was nearer than anyone knew. Already warriors have been claimed it was just not yet known. Father was riding into deaths carnage, I knew he would be fine. The shadows did not call his name. I saw those who would be taken, I wanted to run and close my eyes. I wanted to reach out and stop it, but I could not move and I could not speak. The viscosity of it was suffocating me, I felt as if something siphoned my blood from me leaving me cold and looking at my hands they looked like the lifeless corpses I could see.But, yet I knew I was not there among them. Before I could glimpse more. It was suddenly gone.


I felt someone or something touch my arm , I do not know, I could not look. But whoever or whatever it was , was talking to me but it was from a distance. I could hear my name, almost as if it were a question. For a moment I could not recognize the voice. I kept telling myself to control the emotions. Control everything. It was the first time I felt that control slipping. What happens if that control slips?

I kept hearing someone's voice, what were they saying ?

I wanted to tell them to be quiet . I was trying to remember to breathe. . to focus..

Oh the hell with it, I finally gave up on that.. it wasn't going to work

Another gift from the skies . . .

I was watching the clouds that floated across the clear sky, sometimes you notice in the vibrant color that the clouds are light and fluffy, do you ever wonder if they are soft if you could lose yourself in them if you could rest upon one. If you look closely you can almost see a glittering hint of color imbued in the lush folds. As if they were dusted in finely crushed diamonds. The late would reflect a prism of color that is captivating and beautiful. I could sit for ahns and watch the clouds.

There are days I play a game my father used to show me,in those rare moments of quiet and tranquility, if you lay on the grass and look up you can see various shapes whether of people, animals and objects, he would make a game out of it with me. Over time though as I grew older and I learned more of my clan I realized that I could see more in them, subtle messages that would be refracted and hinted at. At first they were confusing to interpet.And it took many turnings to realize just what I was being shown, now I can do it with little effort when need be, just as I learned the knowledge of them and how they are helpful in times of need as well.

As I sat by the clan fires watching the clouds I found my thoughts drifting to various things and people. Some get a bit disappointed or irritated when I will not play into things they say and do. And yet they know I will remain true to who I am regardless of what it may bring me good and bad. I do not elaborate on specific things even though some outside of the clan attempt to portray they have our ways, I will not acknowledge it as I know that if it were so they would be of this clan. You can't just choose to be of this clan. We are one of the few that are born into it, there is no choice in it. But I do not get into these little things Because there are more important things in life than those who seek to be what they are not or be who they are not. I often wonder why do people try to be some one else.

I happened a few nights ago to wander by the main fires, sometimes I stay away just to try and keep myself together and I know that when I am anti social it just only brings trouble. And I can find that on my own pretty easily. Something drew me from the work I was involved in and I knew to follow it, I saw Cana and Kaeli and Jai there. Kaeli was in labor and I saw that Cana had all well in hand, she was rather experienced with this now. I neared and helped as needed, Jai I know wanted to be as involved in the experience as much as possible and who can blame him, but... I had to move him out of the way, he had his legs around Kaeli 's knees and he was just in my way, he for a moment started to give me a hard time on it, now I put it to him straight, either he could move or he could deliver the babies himself. I think at first he was a bit upset, but I am straight talking, and he was in the damn way I needed him where he could help the most, I think that the logic of what I said sunk in and he moved to where he could support her the best which allowed me to move to where I needed to be. It took some ahns but she first delivered a healthy baby boy that had lungs that could awaken all of the plains I think. I gave Jai the honor of cutting the cord, it is something I have often done for fathers when I in the past delivered babies, sometimes I think he thinks me rather new at a few things wouldn't he just be shocked at just what all I do know. I have delivered more babies than he has been alive in turnings. The next babe was slightly askew, I warned them that I had to manually help turn this one. I found it funny Cana's words about she thought it would have been the boy that was born ass first. Now that I found truly funny. It amused me greatly.

As it was the next one a smaller but still healthy a girl.. And I think her lungs were even stronger than that of her brothers, this one also Jai cut the cord. As Cana prepared them and took care of them I cleaned up Kaeli and helped her get situated so she could enjoy her babies. Jai presented each one separately to the skies. They were perfect as in all children are perfect upon birth. There is something about them when they are so small. I found myself for a moment wishing to have been with child, perhaps the daughter we had talked of. But I knew that this was not something that was going to happen any time soon. I can feel a moment of envy and acknowledge that it is there before I push it aside.

It was good to see two more tuchuks arrive safely and be healthy, the tribe flourishes. The skies have blessed them with such a gift.