The day begins

It is an odd sensation to feel as if you cannot breathe, as if you are enclosed in a jacket of liquid fire. I have felt this a time or two before. But not quite to this extreme when I awoke I was gasping for breath, my body drenched in sweat, so much so that my hair clung to me like a cocoon, which was irritating. What caused it this time? Did I dare look further into the spiraling waves of darkness that encompassed me. No. not right now. This time I decided to be cowardly and not look. Instead I rose from my furs and dressed and headed to the stream, there I would wander far up it following its path by the moonlight. There was a sacred place I had set up long ago, others of the clan once in a while used it for often the same purposes I did. Sometimes a few of us would meet there at the same time and laugh about the connection that brought us together. The various items about it made it clear that to tread within it would bring about unpleasantness. Nothing harmful, but a lesson to teach those who wandered where they should not a very valuable lesson. You don't step within the domain of a spex's sacred space.

I undressed and stepped into the cold water, lowering until it surrounded me in a fluid embrace, gliding along every inch of my body. Washing away everything that seemed to cling to me. For a while I would disappear beneath the crystal clear surface, it was as if the water itself were cradling me, watery fingers would glide thru my hair leaving only a fresh crisp natural scent, leaving a tingling dance upon my skin as it stimulated the nerves and senses. For a moment I really wanted to stay within this one spot, but I knew I could not. I do not have gills, breathing would be impossible and I could only hold my breath so long. When I rose upward to the surface breaking the tranquility of the shimmering glass beneath the moonlight, I let out a long slow breath. It helped to clear my mind and calm my emotions. There were many things to think upon. No matter how hard we try to prepare for things in life, we really cannot. We like to think we are in control of our destiny. But we aren't. We like to think that we can change the outcomes. But we cannot. All happens when it should and how it should no matter how hard we fight it and try to change it, destiny has our paths all laid out.

Walking to the edge of the stream I dried off and slipped on a tunic and leathers. Moving to the one spot I had a small fire started and there I sat on a fur upon the hard ground. I would let my toes dig into the ground as my eyes closed. Breathing in the air around me and releasing it. Solitude has its rewards as I found myself drifting into another place, laying in the cradle of peace and serenity. How long I sat there I do not know. I never time such, it takes as long as is needed, I know when to return to awareness.

At some point I opened my eyes and gazed over the plains, the sky was glowing with variant shades of color. I enjoy the beginning of the day almost as much as the ending. It is here that you see the awakening of everything. The sky seems to stretch and yawn releasing the light to rush across the horizon. The morning breeze winds thru the grasses and over every stone as if tiptoeing secretly to tap everything awake.Even the animals sound different as they begun to hunt or forage for food. The birds have not yet begun to dot the sky with their grace, but slowly you begin to see them.

Life is flourishing among the tribe, so many about to give birth and bring new life. It is always good to see. I have sent over to Cana a small basket just for her, she has had many visit and congratulate her, some are sincere in such and are struck by the preciousness and true gift given to her.One or two seek to make it about them, but in truth this is Cana's moment, this is her time. It is a double edged sword there is the pride of giving birth and the envy of all attention being given to the young ones, all women experience this for a brief moment, it is normal and natural. When Hallie went to help her this morning as Ba'atar and Cana have agreed to, I gave her a basket filled with oils and bathing salts and other lotions that are designed to pamper her. There is included a bowl filled with smooth warmed stones. I told Hallie how to use them and how to relax the muscles. Sometimes it is a very good thing to be spoiled and pampered. And who deserves it better than a mother after delivery.

I can't think of anyone. There is a reason it is called labor.

Reluctantly, I must stray from my spot of contentment and begin the days work, there is much to do today.

A surprise.

I lost track of time as the sky began to be stained with the lavender hues of twilight. The time between night and day. I think in some ways perhaps the most beautiful time of the day. The muted shades of color are breathtaking. Is there anything more majestic than this moment? I have never seen anything that is. And somehow I doubt there is.

I rode back to the camp, it was quiet many still asleep caught in the world of dreams that would slowly begin to release its hold and bring them to a state of awareness to begin yet another day. To be thankful for yet another day to be able to breathe and walk about.

Hallie nearly ran me over as I neared, I swear I never see her off that beast she has called her own. I had to laugh as I watched her. Cana has taught her so much and it shows in the caring and diligence and pride she takes in what she has accomplished and with what she has been given. As she calls out to me to watch her, I would dismount and send Mist Runner off as I watched her stand on the beast without a saddle and move about him as if she were a part of him, each time my children have learned these things, I understand why my father would be concerned when I was younger, but they are my children and I would not expect anything less. She then glided along side him riding by hanging on the side and shooting arrows into a target near by. I could not help but smile as she almost hit it, she would have to practice more, but it did not dim her enthusiasm she was proud that she stayed on without falling. When she dismounted and ran to me and smothered me in a hug. The kind that daughters give their mothers when they are full of excitement and pride. She had been practicing a few things I had taught her along with a few things that Cana showed her. She had a confidence in herself that was good to see, and I could see a bit of that arrogant pride as well. She wouldn't be tuchuk if she did not have such. I walked with her and listened to her chatter about an array of subjects. And before I knew it she kissed my cheek and was off, it seemed she had a wager with her brother and one of the warriors and she was determined to win. I almost felt sorry for the other two. For when she decided she was going to do something she would find a way to do it. She has become a very stubborn determined young woman.

I made my way to the wagons of the clan and sat by the fire. Tossing a bit of sage into the fire I watched as some of the young ones made their way about the fire, each one had an item that had been requested of them to find. I could tell by their expressions they were not sure why they had them or what to do with them. I would start as always with a review of past lessons to see how much they had retained. Then I gave each one a specific project in relation to the item they had obtained. I spent most of the day at the clan fires working and helping to create items we would need. While sitting there I also sat for many ahn to create two amulets. They were small,almost delicate looking but this was deceptive as they were also strong, it was a uniquely multicolored stone that had a natural shape of a crescent moon, mostly it was a deep onyx shade with muted colors of green and lavender. Along side it rested identical kur claws that had been adorned with a row of stars down the middle of each one. Each amulet was identical, though simple in nature it was far from such, there was the symbol of beauty,strength for sometimes that which seems weak is not and that which is delicate is not. After they had been properly consecrated I placed them in my pocket and made my way to the main fires.

There I found Cana in what appeared to be her usual spot on the platform of the wagon. She looked ready to pop those babies out at any moment. We spoke for a few ehn, she told me of Hallie's worry when I had not been feeling well. It was not long after that we were joined by Jai. It was about that time that Cana went into labor, I helped her to some nearby furs as it was to late to get her back to the wagons. Though why any woman wished to be inside a wagon to give birth I really never understood, I have had mine outside beneath the skies and stars, where the winds can touch them and the grass whisper about them, to hear the song of the bosk. I did not push to have her in one. I had to smile as it was determined by fates that these two would also be born beneath the sky. I helped her to get settled and prepared her for the delivery. Fonce started to join us, but as often had been his way before, he quickly found a quick exit when it came to being faced with pregnancy and in this case labor, which would mean body fluids. I had to chuckle a bit, it seemed as if that had not changed. Eventually Kaeli joined us as the slaves let her know Cana was in labor. As I looked to the sky I had to smile for there was a brilliance to the moons and there was an alignment of the stars, that is rare and beautiful, in fact it was something to see the two single columns of stars that was just over her, almost as if bathing her in their glorious light. A blessing was given to them and it was a good omen. While so many seemed to be having twins something that is not common. Cana's was made unique and special because of the signs. Something that no one else would be able to proclaim. Because it is a rare event many of us elders have not even seen it. And such an omen would take a few hundred turnings before it would happen again.

Now, in light of this I had to chuckle, for I had wagered with Ba'atar that he would have daughters and he in his usual arrogance said the sky loved him and he would have only sons, I tried to tell him that the sky sometimes had a really bizarre sense of humor. The shock upon his face as he was presented with twin girls was priceless, he was not sure what to do with them. He will realize that he can hold them and treat them just as he would the boys. Just because they are girls does not mean you handle them differently at least not until they are a bit older. Maybe father should help him out on that one. But then again, maybe not, he raised me but I wasn't raised like a girl. Cana would smack me for that. Although, now that I think on it, that has possibilities.

I gave each a blessing and presented them with the small amulets, and then made my way towards my wagons, I found that I was very tired and my furs were calling my name, it would take me a while to fall to asleep and when I did there was much within my dreams. Dreams were not hard to understand, it was separating them that was sometimes difficult, as sometimes they were not my own.

To be apart of. . .

I watched as the skies darkened with each passing ahn, if you watch closely you can see the shades of black that roll within each other, tumbling and turning as if never ending. Makes you wonder if you could touch it would it be velvety soft as it looks or would it be light and cool surrounding you in an never ending length of ebony. There is a beauty in the night that is often missed.

If you watch the rays of moonlight splash upon the ground you can see various manner of animals scurrying about taking care of their lives in order to survive. There is a simplicity to their life. Some of them form a close knit hierarchy in which they depend upon each other for survival and they take care of their young and yet others do not, they are loners isolated and have their young and then leave them to survive, I find that I can be captivated by the simplest things in life. There are everyday things that take place in nature that I never find boring. I think sometimes this is my saving grace, these things of nature that reach out and grasp me and hold me in an almost mesmerizing gaze, as if trying to show me something and tell me something, if I listen and watch long enough I see it and hear it.

Life is always changing and evolving just as people do. We are never the same one day to the next, there is always a shift of thought and energy, out heart rate varies from one moment as does the breath we take. Nothing in our lives is certain. I have lost count how many changes have occurred in not only my own but those around me. Within the tribe. I have watched dreams reached and dreams shattered. I have watched some reach the greatest of joys and have been honored to be a part of such and yet I have seen the deepest of sorrows explored and also been there to lend a shoulder to cry on or listen to. I have seen trust formed and trust broken. I have seen promises kept and others betray those closest to them. I have watched a kind word lift someone up when they thought they would fail and yet I have seen a harsh word break people. I have seen some rise to the challenge of earning their way among us and I have seen others tuck tail and run. I have seen the brave and the cowardly. I have seen those loyal and those disloyal. I have seen some find love that is strong and solid and yet others lose it before they could grasp it. So many things woven within the tribe that I could sit for ahns and think upon all the events and emotions and thoughts that create a web of life. Sometimes that web is so strong nothing could sever or break it and yet other times it has become so unraveled and frail that I have had to wonder what has kept it together. I have seen some weave the subtle rivers of lies and manipulations to destroy relationships and people and even the tribe. And yet I have seen others stand tall and proud thru these storms. Some misjudge based on only partial truths and assumptions. They make decisions based on these. Some will react and some will not. Life is always about what you chose. It is never easy for anyone, or what is so insignificant to one person can mean the entire world to another. The tribe survives because of heart. Those that reside and survive have heart and soul. That is why we never ever completely fall, we stumble, we falter but we pick ourselves up and brush ourselves off and keep on going. Because in addition to that. There is courage. It is easier to feel sorry and pity for ourselves and stop living and stop trying to be more than we think we can be than it is to face whatever life has in store. It is harder to truly live.

There are times I wish to remain silent and other times I wish to fillet someone from navel to nose with my words. And even at times with a blade just to prove I can do it. Simply because I can, no other reason. Sometimes I just want to rip the jugular out and watch them squirm and bleed. And other times I want to wrap some in protective gauze and protect them from all manner of atrocities. There are a few I would quickly and easily kill for and not blink an eye. Others I would have to really think about if I would do such for. I sometimes find myself questioning life, people and myself. I often ask why. Sometimes there is no answer. It just is. No one person can be defined by a single word or event. Each one is multifaceted. A diamond in the rough and eventually they will shine and glimmer and be stronger than any one ever thought. I do like when people can surprise me by not giving up and by fighting to be who they are. To me it is a treasure to behold. Rare and beautiful to see that dawning upon them. No jewel can compare to that glow when they burn with the pride of accomplishing it.

My youngest son came up along side me as I watched the sky. For some time he was silent, he has his fathers vibrant green eyes and his quiet, steady away. He is a lot like his father, and yet he has my ways. He asked if I was alright, I could have lied, but he would have known. Spex cannot lie to each other it is impossible. So I answered truthfully, I did not know. He spoke of various things that he has seen and felt. I listened, he is so young and has much yet to learn. I reminded him of the basic lessons I have taught him the ones he thought were useless and silly. A common reaction of the young, these were designed to guide him and ground him, and before I could say more he would chuckle. "I know Mother, without a strong foundation to build upon all that I do will collapse and fall apart." I had to smile, knowing how often I had to tell him that. But I think now he was beginning to understand why, he was beginning to see the value of the exercises that I have been teaching him. Eventually, they do begin to understand when they have to put into practice these lessons. Those of the haruspex that have been taught these things by me are far better able to handle all the changes that eventually begin and are able to withstand the influx of energy and other various things. They do not collapse and have a hard time as those that have not been taught the simple basics of our ways. I only teach those that come to me that desire it. I do not waste my time by those who seek only to be sluts and by those who are power hungry. That is not what we are about. We never have been, that is not to say we do not have ways that are sensual and beautiful. But those are things not revealed to often and never outside of the clan are certain things shown or revealed. Oaths and secrecy have a great sacredness to them. Much depends upon these things.

I gave my son a few things to prepare for me, things that must be done for a specific purpose and way. I have not explained to him. Nor will I, this is one time he must follow what is in his heart. Which is why I gave him this task. Once he left I nudged Mist Runner and began to ride over the plains, not in a casual, slumberous cantor but with a force and speed that was like a wave of thunder flowing across the plains, all I could hear was the rhythm of his hooves upon the ground, all I could feel was the cold caress of the winds, I wanted to purge out all the images and thoughts that dwelled within my mind. I was utilizing specific elements. To know. To be silent. I embraced them, I drowned within them. And when I slowed I allowed myself to rise from them. There is a unique feeling that for a moment allows me feel absolutely nothing, only a sensation of being weightless and light. Drawing in a breath I found myself once more myself.

Some think me so strong, but do they realize that even a stone cracks and crumbles after enough punishment from all that strikes them. I do not think I have the strength in me any more, I do not think I have what it takes to make it thru what awaits me. If I falter this time I am not sure I can stand back up again. "Yes, you can." I heard whispered about me. I almost smiled as I recognized the voice.

I would sit out there in the middle of the plains for many ahns. Silent and unmoving, allowing myself to just be a part of the plains, melting within its every curve and crevice, swallowed up by the all encompassing infinity of the plains. There is nothing like it, as it brings comfort,stability and clarity. I am a part of the plains. It is my lifesaver.

It is my strength.

It is me. And I am it.

Blood on the moons

I had found myself falling into my usual routine once more. Rising before the blackened skies could lighten with the multitude of colors that looked like someone taken vibrant paints and streaked them across the sky.
There were many reasons I seemed to fall into this routine, mostly because I felt sort of lost and out of sorts with myself. Something did not feel right. But what it was I could not put my finger on. And also because of a more personal reason, one that I have intentionally not really examined to closely. One that I still keep silent upon. Is it fear of confirmation of what I have been feeling. More than likely. I do not want to truly look or feel. But I know that eventually I must. But I find my mind pondering a few things, questioning a few things. But yet I do or say nothing of what is floating around in that head of mine. I for now just wait to see what will be revealed.


As I worked with some herbs separating them and drying them, I found myself feeling rather strange once more as if someone had walked thru me and gripped my heart in an icy grip, it took my breath away. Horrendous images floated thru my mind so intense they were painful, such has never occurred before. I have a fairly good tolerance to pain, not high but still I can hold myself in control for the most part, except for this, it had me doubled over and writhing in pain it was as if I felt ever swipe of the blade that was rendered. Every arrow that flew across the sky. Tasted the blood that nourished the ground. It was so intense that it doubled me over. I have not felt such before with anything I have ever seen, but what I saw has cut me so deep that I cannot breathe. It weakens me as if it were my blood that was flowing. Maybe I overdid it and had been working to hard, did I leave the healers wagon to early? All these things went thru my mind as I lay on the ground in what I could only describe as a vulnerable weakened state. Something was not right. Many things had not made sense lately. I managed to see thru the haze and make my way to the wagon where I would collapse upon the furs. I would stay there for some time not coming out. I did not feel like eating or drinking I could only lay there and come to terms with what was happening. I had asked Ulric to not speak of it. Many were used to my long ahns of work and it would not be noticed that I was not about.

Eventually I began to feel more like myself. Less tired and my appetite somewhat returned. I ventured to the fire and saw Cana. She looked as if she were ready to deliver at any moment. She looks good and tells me she is feeling fine. Which I am glad to hear. She does look healthy and radiant. Fonce joined us and they enjoyed a banter with each other that is almost impossible for me to be a part of, it is not intentional on their part but it happens. They have a language and understanding of their own. Such is the way of the bonds of friendship. A discussion began between the two of them that clearly I had no knowledge of and I felt like a third wheel and politely excused myself. It was not anything they did on purpose but I felt like an outsider looking in. I think it was just better for me to embrace the warmth of my wagons and finally eat something instead of sitting like a silent statue. I felt something in that moment I had not thought I ever would.



There is blood in the moons.

I try to keep my thoughts from that particular path to. But ultimately it is drawn there. Something is going to happen. I feel it.. I know it. And I find myself in a struggle for a reason to not follow. In truth.. I find myself finding less and less of a reason to keep trying. There are a few things that have troubled me.. But my thoughts on them hold little weight and who would care to hear them anyway other than to use it as fodder for gossip. I think there comes a time when you realize. You have done all you were destined to. You realize that you have experienced so much that life now holds little challenge or adventure. And there is a time to just simply do as so many other elders do and remain within your own wagon. Away from slaves, prospects, women and men. I think my time has come to do that as well.

I am lost. The visions have revealed some things that have me rattled down to the very depth of my soul. I am lost without the black larl. He was the one I could always talk to of anything and everything. He never judged me no matter how silly or serious. How minute or huge it was. My thoughts and feelings meant something and he would listen and take them into consideration. It is a stark realization when you realize that you are very much alone among so many. I hope that I am wrong in what I saw.. But I rarely am.. This last patrol did not feel right, but he has been on it for such a long time. So now I ride to the edge of the plains and I wait to see what news is brought. I wish that I could speak of what I have seen. But I cannot. Truth is, he is too much a part of me. Without him I do not think I can find the strength this time to go on. The shadows lure is strong when you have no will to fight them. I hear them speak. I feel them closing in. I see them lurking. I wish that what I felt was not so strong and that I am for the first time wrong. Maybe I should ask another who seems to know more than I and be so much more. I do get the message. I am not that dense. My age has not muddled my mind. And I guess those that wish such will be dancing with joy. After all is it not what they desired and wished for even when they did not have all the facts only assumptions.

Then again it may just be the lingering illness and the things that I have been feeling from others that guide my thoughts and it could be my picking up on the emotions of others. Who really knows.

At the moment.. I only know that. there is. . .


Blood on the moons.

Preparing

I spent much time within the circle of stones with the other elders of the Haruspex, it was a rare moment of relaxation and swapping of stories. It was also a time of allowing various abilities to be shared and connected. This was the inner court of the Haruspex, a place that only those of us who have come a certain distance not only in age physically but in other ways. There is a reason we have different degrees of learning. The slow place intentional and imperative to learning. We of the elders hold a knowledge that is not known to them and we are oath bound to not reveal it to those not yet within this circle. Which is probably why we are as old as we are. It takes little effort for something's and there is little that we fear of ourselves. Though we each still have lessons to learn.

The time for one of our celebrations and elaborate rituals is approaching, the time of year that we do our ritual for renewal and fertility of the people and the plains. The time that marks the center point of the dark half of the turning Each of us have something that we are given to make and to do. There is much preparation that will begin and be done. At certain times there are very specific herbs that we gather in a certain way. Certain blends of plants will be prepared to burn within the fire. Specific colors to be placed upon the stone altars and to be worn, specific stones gathered and placed in specific places. Various tools are made by our own hands to allow only that is natural to be used, we have made various candles in sizes and color and shapes to be used. Much thought goes into this.

It was after we determined what and when that we sat back and spoke of the one that we have seen trailing us since the journey north. I shared with them what I have seen and what a few of the warriors have also shared with me. A particular incident stuck in my mind, that I was going to speak to Ba'atar about, as I have seen who it is that is guiding the enemy, I have seen a plan that they intend the small attacks are only a diversion they have a more elaborate plan. The one I have seen he is old but not that old. He has a weakness that I have seen, this is one that will have to be dealt with by us, in conjunction with the warriors, I have chosen those of the clan I feel will be able to assist me with this. I picked various ones for specific reasons. But I will not share this until I speak with the Ubar, there are things that he needs to know, I have a few thoughts on this and will see what my father thinks as well. I have retrieved the arrow that had wounded me there was much it could and would tell me, because I was going to use it in a way that I had not before.

I would have to think on whom to have help me with this tiny experiment.

Arkus takes the steps for his future

I spent the morning with Arkus talking of many things he has made a choice, one that he is not sure how a few others will take but it is what he wants. I have listened to his thoughts and it struck me how he has grown into a strong, independent young man who thinks like a warrior should. There are some he will never be close to he has his reasons. I do not force him or Hallie, they will determine things in their way in their own time. Just as Hallie has chosen her path and learns much from Cana, and I could not be more pleased or proud. They both have chosen well, and chosen what they feel is right for them, and if they are happy in who they are then they are more of a benefit to the tribe because they will do the best they can not only on their chosen path but for the people.

I asked him a few questions of what he thought of various situations and people, he gave them with an unbiased honesty of youth. I asked him what it is he wanted from life and of the path he chose, I was pleased with the answers. Because of this I have given my consent for him to move in with Ayguili as the scarrer has requested. I had given much thought to the warrior's request and the reason behind it, there was much logic in it that I could not nor would I refute, he is able to teach my son the things I cannot, Father and Garyx have taught him their ways and all the things a young upcoming warrior needs to know, now Ayguili will take over and teach him the ways of the clan and other things that a young man needs to know that I cannot show him or teach him. It was his thought my son could learn more from him if he was there with him. So, I agreed, I do always think of what benefits my children before I think of what I want, yes as a mother I do not want to let go, but I know that it is time, he has shown me all the signs, and now I must watch and let him falter and get back up. I can only be there to support him when he needs me and listen when he needs someone to talk to. He has a fine warrior to learn from. He carries many ways that I feel are important, and who knows he may even learn something from my son.

This is a choice Arkus has made, he feels sure of this, I will support it. As I told him, follow what you feel is right for the tribe, right for you and what you feel in your heart is the right choice. You can listen to what others say, but you do not need to take everything anyone says as being right, take what you need and throw away what you do not need or want, formulate your own thoughts and opinions. They may not always be what is popular but if you feel strong enough then stand your ground, it may not always be what others want but if your gut tells you it is what is right, then follow it. Do not give into the peer pressure if you feel it is wrong, sometimes you may be the only one with the thought or think that it is right, but stand tall and proud in what you believe in, because it is better to stand for what you believe in and have the courage and strength to do so, than it is to stand for nothing or give in to everything any one says. I have given him all the tools to help him make choices, now he will learn more. He is very excited about this and knows he will have to work hard, he will not have idle time to be involved in the drama that sometimes seems to land at times. His focus will be learning what his mentor will teach him, working to earn his courage scar and continuing his lessons from my father. This I have his word on. He will be working hard, I have no doubt he will succeed.

I have talked with my father on this and he is in agreement,it is the best choice that my son could have made, it has shown his intelligence and his focus to be more for the tribe. He is willing to sacrifice and work to obtain his goal. I am very proud of him.

Father and I spent some time talking of many things as well, I shared with him my thoughts on things I saw and what I thought they meant. As always he would listen, he would never tell me what to do but he would often give his thoughts on his interpretation of things. I would absorb his thoughts and add them to my own. There were some things revealed I was not sure of, but he gave me a perception on them I had not thought of.

As I go to the wagons of the clan I think upon his words. I will spend a few ehn with the other elders catching up on various things and sitting with some of the younger students, I will not be actively showing anything but I will merely guide them on a few things that do not take much work on my part. That way I can't get that proverbial slap along side my head from one of the others. I think they enjoy it to much, after all I am not a young kid any more. In fact I am older than a couple of them, go figure the humor of an elder.

Catching up for a few ehn

It was later in the evening before I made my way from the healers wagon towards the main fire of the harriga, I was tired and it felt as if each step was a chore to take.But I am the determined type and I wasn't about to let my movements be like quicksand, all thick and slow. With some effort I neared the main fires, I am guessing I must have really looked as bad as I felt or worse, I am sure the ravishes of the illness had taken their toll. I was very surprised when Ayguili walked to me and offered his arm to walk me to the fire. Yes, I knew then I really had to look like death warmed over and rather frail, not a very good way to want to appear before others. I was thankful for the support in truth it helped and I did say thank you, but it still did not mean I had to like that I appeared like some old frail woman. I would have to make sure I did something on that.

I had to chuckle a bit as he asked if I was supposed to be out of the healers wagon, well, now how to answer that, the way I figure it, I had heard of no orders, and no one stopped me so I could pretty much do as I felt up to. Besides I am not over doing it. And it seemed no one was going to let me, I can see this is going to be a challenge and an irritant.

I saw Trilok and Noya and their two newborn babies, a boy and a girl. It is good to see them healthy and doing well, and good to watch the proud parents. And the demands of new babies are made known so they did not linger long, I remained seated and accepted the offer of blackwine, and of course he made sure to let me know not to get used to it and then added he was getting his own anyway. I had to chuckle and assure him not to worry that I would not get used to such. We talked for a few ehn and I will be damned do you know that man actually smiled and laughed. Twice in one night.

He asked if I really was alright I assured him I was on my way, he commented on how far away I had gone, in truth I was far enough away that I really was not sure I could make it back. We talked of various things I knew that I had heard a few things he spoke of, and he told me that he was glad I was back that I had much work to do. Well I am not sure of that part but it was an interesting discussion that we had along with him teasing me of something I said and did or was that what I did not say or do. We spoke of why the sleen could not track anything in the place the arrows had been found, I gave my thoughts on this and I could see he was thinking upon it, I have had a few thoughts on this as well as an idea or two, this is something to speak with Ba'atar on. So when he returns what we have learned will be shared with him.

It was about then Ba'tars slave joined us, no big deal to me she is but another slave about the camp so she is easily tolerated. Ayguili asked my thoughts on someone, I told him I would speak to him about it the next I saw him, truth is some things I will not speak of at the main fires and some things I will not speak of in front of a slave, men may find them irresistible and trust them, but I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her and given she is bigger than me, that is not to far. Personally I still think her eyes would look good in my jar.

It takes a unique type of slave for me to even allow them near me, I do not trust them, my reasons pretty valid as it is not about jealousy,or envy or want. Actually it isn't even on that level, because I know far more about them than they would ever begin to understand. It is more on a survival level I have not forgotten what two tried to do and that one cost me my daughter. So yes, it goes without saying that I do not trust them very much. I find it amusing they would think every free woman jealous of them. I don't think so, because I know if I have a mans heart, no one will be able to touch it. I know of some women that are, fact is I am secure in myself as a woman and as a person. So jealous.. no.. cautious of them.. very much so. I do know how they manipulate to try and have themselves as the center of the universe to men and will do everything they can to make it so. I have watched some good women and men be destroyed. So for one to be even remotely close to me.

Is because it has been earned.

Gathering of thoughts

Arkus went off to learn more of the ways of his clan now that he was secure in the knowledge that I was alright, and Hallie also went off to work with Cana and continue her studies. I was pleased to learn that she was doing well with that one temperamental beast, she was doing well and I was very happy to hear this. The youngest son was nearby helping Nasatai and learning various herbs, for we used not only the good ones but also the ones that were deadly and toxic. They had their uses. This left me with peace and quiet, and I allowed myself to ponder a few things that would drift thru my mind as if on the crest of the gentle ebbing and flowing of the thassa. There was an awareness of many things and thoughts that lingered , they do not disappear simply because I am awake and without fever. I still feel the pain that it took to breathe because of the rush of fire thru my lungs, the heaviness of it as if the bosk were standing atop of me. The sensations to numerous to mention but yet not forgotten, nor do I forget what I have seen and heard. The images are in my mind so vividly that I could reach out and touch them. There was a reason for this but not the one that the culprit intended that bestowed this upon me.

No things did not go as they planned and this I found to be very amusing to me in a rather twisted dark way.

There are a few things that I have found strange to my mind as Ulric and a few others caught me up on various things, but then I had heard of them prior to this, I could only shake my head at a few things, and nod at things that I really was not surprised about. The only thing I could say was interesting, and well that was a clue that I was not about to voice my opinion on things at the moment. There are a few items on a more personal note that interest me but I will not voice them in fact I will not write them, I will just have to wait to see the whys of it and what will come of it. These are personal thoughts that I do not share, why add static to the winds of chaos that seem to linger in the air, I did ask Ulric a few pointed questions that had him uncomfortable but he did share his thoughts with that brutal honesty that I had come to expect and count on. There is something within the air, there will death in the air. I have seen it and felt it. But it has not been shown whose or how many.

But I have seen the face of the one who will cause it. I was hoping I had been wrong, but unfortunately that is not the case. Eventually I pushed myself up and left the wagon, I do not dwell on things and allow myself to fall into a well of despair that is not my way . I am a Tuchuk woman, I am strong. I do not fall prey to certain weaknesses, although there are the ones no one knows of that I do fall into at times. But I never linger for longer than a few ihn, after all what Tuchuk woman would allow herself to become a dithering dolt over life. I know that I do not. And even if I did, not one damn person would know of it. I don't wear my emotions or thoughts on my sleeve like some badge of courage or martyrdom. Life is to short, and is meant to be lived and experienced. We never know when someone we love or care about rides off if they will return, that is why we embrace life daily and celebrate it daily, there is no time to dwell on the negative or the what if's. All the good and bad have something to offer. But it takes strength, courage and honor to live and walk thru veils,shadows and storms that often cloak the greater true meaning of what we experience. Life tends to reveal the strong and the weak. Life tends to reveal the truth and deceptions of people. The question is not what you will do about others, it is what you will do about yourself.

No one is exempt from the humor or fury of the skies, and everyone eventually feels the grace and blessing of the skies, sometimes you lose things you did not know you were to have because of something you did. And other times you recieve things that you fail to see are a gift at first, and some never do until they lose it. The skies take care of everything even to those that think they have done nothing and yet are the very ones who have walked a path of lies and manipulations and live for only themselves in the guise of wanting to help others. And seek to hurt others in order to get what or who they want. They suffer because of it but are to blind to see. But that is the lesson of the skies.

They will not tell you this is your lesson. It is up to each person to figure it out. And if you do not you are doomed to repeat it worse than the first time you missed it. This is why I do not interfere in things I know I am not able to and other times I know when I am able to offer guidance. Age makes no difference in these things, sometimes the older ones get a harsher lesson because they should know better but get settled and forget a few things. I sure know few of mine have pulverized my brain until it is a bloody pulp and I finally have to say, "okay, I get it.. I get it.. " I do not learn things easy and never have, I know this of myself. I suppose that is why father tells people I gave him gray hair at a young age.

Mist Runner was there waiting for me, to take me on a slow easy ride over the plains, I am no fool, I will not push myself to far so soon, but I also will not sit and do nothing, idleness is not my way. As we rode I would close my eyes and let allow myself to move with his rhythm, allowing myself to once more become one with the plains in a way that I could never begin to make understood. There is that mystical part of the clan that is hidden and yet we live them daily we practice them until they are as natural to us as breathing,

It was some time later that I would return and walked to the healers wagon and allowed one of the older ones of the healer clan that I knew as a child to examine me. We spoke of many things and I gifted her with supply of special healing salve that I made a few hands ago. It was made of rare herbs and plants along with a dash of something unique that I would not divulge.But its properties were very strong, I could tell by her smile she was appreciative of it and she knew what it was for, to me that is all that mattered was the smile in that old weathered face of Niasa.

I would rest there for a few ahns at her request.. And I knew by her smile that she knew I was not about to remain there to long.

Sneaking out of the healers wagons

The days would pass and that restlessness would take hold of her, she hated being confined and she made her way out of the healers wagons. The first place she went to was to the bathing wagons. One of the slaves had prepared the water for her and found her some of her own clothing, she would quickly shed the clothing she wore and sink into the warm,liquid embrace of the water, for once not fussing as the slave undid the long, heavy ebony braid, the air held a light fragrance of flowers and herbs that was crisp and refreshing, calming and soothing. She did not have her strength back so she allowed the girl to wash her hair and then brush it out. The water had its desired effect as she felt the slick veil of sweat flow from her body along with whatever else was put on her by the healers.

She would rise from the water and dry off sitting so the girl could brush her hair , applying a light oil that she had made herself into the dark silky tresses as Tarra applied a light cream to her skin. The girl would notice that while Tarra as a small woman of height and build, there was a surprise at the womanly curves she really did have beneath the tunics and leathers she always wore. Though always was she feminine in her appearance,moving with the elegance of the wind, the grace of the fire, there was a balance of the ground within her and the fluidity of the water,but it was even more noticeable as she sat there with her hair down fresh from the bath. It surprised the slave who was often good at seeing such of women slave and free alike. This one was a surprise. She helped her dress noticing that some weight had been lost. There were marks and scars that she was most curious of but did not ask instead she served with a quiet efficient manner, all knew that Tarra rarely allowed anyone to help her or serve her to it was a rare honor to do so.

After that she would go to her own wagons and see to her children. Her youngest son was there his vibrant green eyes the color of his fathers revealed his relief to see her return home. Then there was Hallie who nearly knocked her over as she ran to her. Tarra would wrap her in her arms hearing her cries and tumbling of words. She would stroke her hair and speak softly to her calming her. Explaining to her that there was no need for regret or apologies. She would sit with her for some time and talk to her and listened to her thoughts and words. She told her of how she stayed with Cana and Tarra would smile knowing that she would find comfort there when she needed it, as well as with working with the kailla. Tarra had never been that ill before and even when she had been injured and ill she was still often working right thru it without a word. She knew this scared her children as she had never been laid that low for so long. But she was fine now, and they felt that all would be alright with the world once more, something all young ones did no matter their age. Arkus would soon join them and she would spend some time with her children before going to her wagon to rest in her own furs. She would have lily sit outside her wagon to allow any that neared know that she was resting and Tarra had given orders upon the threat of removing her eyes and tongue that no one was to disturb her.

Her children were taken care of and anything else could wait. As there were others that could tend to the things needed until she was ready to venture forth once more.

The step back

Each element would weave and speak to her, creating a story, gently pulling her back as they enveloped her within a luscious velvet caress. The mind of a haruspex is a unique place, for some it may well be a very scary place. Not every haruspex is comfortable with who they are, they fight it, they run from it and either they lose it and shut it all down or they embrace it. Then there are the rare few that have had their abilities completely impaired, some say it can not be done, but those that are older know for sure it can, they are the ones to invoke such. But it is not something commonly known of or seen.

There is no middle ground. You have to know yourself to know what you are. You have to know yourself in order to know who you are. Each haruspex has one element that they identify with stronger than any other. That is why she began teaching with the basic fundamentals of these things. Her ways designed to have them be sure of themselves,of the heavy mantle they would have to carry daily. She was a tough ,strict disciplined ,teacher. She didn't to the froo froo type of antics or the flamboyance designed to bring attention. She worked from within herself and from what the skies gave her. She worked from a sacred place. She built steps for those she taught, to build a strong foundation. Because no matter what else in life that happened, if you have that you can survive anything. If you have a weak foundation no matter what you do it will fall apart.


The web was cast as the elements floated around her. Was she feeling them physically, no, she was still lying deathly still as the healer worked to rid her body of the poison that flowed thru her. Tarra was not sure exactly what Kaeli was doing or giving to her as she was not paying attention to the physical body. Instead she was focusing on the experience of each element, but that was short lived as once more she heard a voice with the same words spoken with a bit more force, well now he was persistent she would give him that.
One never knew what her reaction might be.

He would hear the low laughter of amusement in relation to the words he spoke. " Now Fonce. You say such nice things. It is good to see you use those ways. " His words were some how appropriate as they caught her attention. Not to many would do that. It was a risk. But sometimes risks were worth it. She would listen to him and her own words would weave around his, interesting how a spex could speak with another that had the ability to utilize certain things.

As she talked with him she could hear others seemingly nearby. Not talking to her as he did, but she knew they were near the wagon, she could hear their thoughts. As another visited a few times and he also spoke of the work that needed to be done. The buzzing of voices became so loud in her head that she finally had to say. " Alright. . Alright. . I hear you.. I 'm not dead damn it. Can you give me some silence." It felt as if she shouted it but she didn't in fact part of her words were spoken out loud startling the young healer as it was not expected. Slowly Tarra came back into a state of awareness, a rather painful one at that and not one she was going to enjoy. And that foul smell what in the skies was that. Oh. she thought to herself, that is me. She eyed that healer as best she could wondering just what did she put on her or in her or both. Did she really want to know. Probably not.

She felt like death warmed over. She drifted to sleep once more only this time it was not one of a deep stillness. It was just a normal restful sleep. Though she still was not out of the woods, she was doing better, she was not yet destined to embrace the shadows .

To Choose

For a moment it is as she felt a heaviness pull on her, drawing her back into the world of reality. it was hot, painful and breathing seemed near impossible. It was heavy and suffocating, was someone sitting on her chest compressing her breathing she had to wonder. And just as fast she was once more she was back in the nothingness, airless, weightless and floating, now this was more like it, this she could get used to couldn't she? That thought lingered and twisted and turned as her body fought to recover. It was a strenuous battle. Though it was not the first time, but could it be one of the worst times.

This vacillation of conscious and unconscious would swing her back and forth for some time swinging like a pendulum back and forth, up and down. She wanted to push away the hands that bathed her in something cool to bring down the fever, but she couldn't seem to move. She wanted to remove the heaviness that seemed to settle about her chest making it hard to breath but again she couldn't move. It was not just the physical that was impaired but her mind was hazy and cloudy she could not focus. Was the wagon on fire she found herself wondering, she could feel the beads of sweat crawl along her skin, it was itchy she wanted to scratch, but still no movement and no words came.

Various scents lingered in the air about her, she knew them, she could recognize them. Voices, she recognized various ones that seemed to dance in the air. She wanted to yell, Hey, I can hear you. But she didn't. There was only a stillness, though once in a while there would be a strange sound from within the wagon as if something were thrown, but no one was there. Or were they, being around a spex on a good day could make one feel creeped out at times. But sit alone with one that was not quite there and well one began to hear and see things that could make them question their sanity. She could faintly hear voices near her but yet they were so far away. Some spoke of personal things some spoke of tribal things, she could hear and understand even if she couldn't react. Some things did not seem right but she would keep them in her mind. Some things were surprising and yet not really. A few things she would find amusing.

Suddenly there was a faint breeze about her,someone knew to let the winds whisper about her, the wagon flaps had been opened enough to allow the winds to flow about her, it filled her lungs, she could almost see in her mind see the wagon, the way the colors would glimmer in the daylight and even in the night the tapestry of color against the night was an artists dream. That was the beauty of the wagons of the plains, they were large, roomy, air would move about freely and light would illuminate it during the day and the night would allow a cloak of shadows to drape about those within. She could almost see but then it was gone as her brain seemed to be melting into a puddle of grey matter. Well now did that not just suck, she felt like a student once more unable to grasp what she saw. Now this was not amusing. Then she caught another scent.

Now who was it that knew she needed to feel just a hint of the whispers of the wind revealing the knowing, that it would give her pause, she could feel water along her fingers,daring her to not give in to the temptation of the shadows, its cool liquid caress and the fresh scent of the dirt linger against her senses, the balance of it the silence of it, this was home, the hissing and crackle of fire,a force of will to be reckoned with. Some one was near that knew to use all the elements at once to gain her attention. Even beyond the physical form. Alright, maybe she would take a step closer back to the world of sound, light, laughter, pain, darkness, sorrow and yet ultimately all things that made life worth while.

She was savoring the feel of the elements but someone shattered that tranquility, as they in a very masculine, bossy type tone, demanded that she get her ass back and not give up at first she was not sure whose it was, but she really wanted to tell him to be quiet. And yet she wanted to laugh, the audacity of the man.

Now who did he think he was demanding things of her.

Better yet, just whose voice was it?

Hovering between life and darkness

The shadows of the moon have always been dark but it was the first that Tarra had seen it this dark, unmoving, silent and strangely peaceful. It felt as if she were floating in between the dark and light. In between the land and the mists. It was a nothingness. It was a place that one could lose themselves in.

There in lies the temptation.

The silence was not to last, "Tarra female,what do you think you are doing now." She knew that voice that shattered the silence. That deep baritone that could place fear into an enemy or soothe the soul of one he loved. She did not want to open her eyes, it felt to good to just lie here and be nothing, do nothing. But he was having none of it and as he bellowed her name again like some rabid tarsk she would look to him. He looked as she always remembered him. " Great skies, even in death you have to be stubborn, I have died haven't I?" she would ask but knew the answer. Although it sounded better than asking him what he wanted. The dark skinned warrior would smile and laugh, " Cha, died my Sami. " His words were always simple and to the point a mixture of mamba and gorean words. Lochley never did let her get away with much. " So, then what is going on." She would ask of him. But he would not say he would only offer his hand to her. "In time you will know. Come walk with me." And so it was she traveled farther away from the world of the living, walking with him to see what it was he wished her to know.She knew she didn't want to.

Yet, she would pause she could hear those of the tribe faintly, a few called to her, she heard her name and she would look back. Even where she was, there was that part of her that could still feel and hear those that would come into the wagon. Talking, their words would buzz thru her mind. She could not shake them out, why were there so many voices at once talking. No one but another Haruspex could journey into her mind regardless of what they tried or thought to do, at least not one as old as she was, but that did not mean she did not hear them. Kaeli was taking care of her, she felt her, she heard her. Tarra's first thoughts were of the child she carried and she felt a moment of panic she should be resting, Lochley stilled her with a single word, assuring her that the young healer was fine, no harm would come to her, in fact he made her realize that it was her own energy that was already engulfing Kaeli, protecting her, keeping her from harm and guiding her. Even though she was in that life and death battle, and chaos was being wrecked upon her body, there was a part of her that was ever watchful and always caring of others.

However, Tarra was gravely weak and unable to hold back various things as her mind touched to her because she was holding her hands, usually it was her empathic ways that would allow her to see others, in her current state it was her own mind that was within another, allowing glimpses of things to be seen. In her mind she would see the large mamba warrior, dark of skin, and adorned with scars. He was guiding Tarra along a smoke laden path, until he brought her to a place of the past, there she saw herself, holding the lifeless form of Lochley, his blood flowed profusely from many injuries drenching Tarra in its warm viscosity,she worked feverishly to save him but to no avail he died in her arms, but not before placing a necklace of many larls teeth about her neck, she could not save her own mate,she blamed herself even though she knew his wounds were to many, she saw her children witness it from a hiding place, blaming her for the death of their father for many turnings. Without pause would come the death of her daughter Tanzia at the inn she owned with her sister Dina, the blood soaked the ground, the echoes of pain and horror filled the air, and so was the rage that rushed thru Tarra as the dark witch surfaced, there was no thought only a primal rage that was focused upon those that killed her daughter, she not only revealed that it was not only men that could kill, but she reveled in it, as she without one moment of thought let her control slip and when she was done she stood in the midst of shredded flesh and rivers of blood covered her, limbs were scattered and hearts lay unbeating yet warm upon the ground. This was the part of her she hid and controlled, it was that dark power that would only bring the harbinger of death and destruction. Never did she let herself ever lose control of thought, emotion or abilities. The shadows would swirl and flow revealing the deaths of Kain and Lochlan who died for the tribe their blood quenched the thirst of the plains, just as her own heart had bled, in public she never broke down, in private she did not fully let go. "It holds you down. " Lochley would state. " To much do you carry within you. Some you cannot help, you can only follow what you feel is right and true." She wanted to run but he would not allow her, and it was not ended,he took her to the edge of the plains, there he would show her the enemy that had lingered and taunted them, the arrow was revealed, and what it had soaked in and coated with. "This is what the healer must know so she can help you before it is to late." It was revealed how it had delved into her shoulder, of how Ayguili removed it and kept it to give to Ba'atar, of Tarras words to not let anyone know until he could speak to the Ubar and her father.

Tarra would speak softly for Kaeli to hear, "Kanda. Kaeli. Kanda." With that Kaeli could no longer see what the Haruspex saw because Tarra would protect her from what was to come.


"You do not have to hide yourself or who you are. Those that are true will not think less of you." Tarra was not sure what he was up to but she sure was not liking this. "Mother you are allowed to be vulnerable, others can be strong for you also. Let them show you." That voice , it could not be. "Lochlan?" She would ask as she turned caught between father and son. "Tell Cana I am proud of her and Ba'atar is a good man." There was no escape as they closed in on her and held her between them, their hearts and spirits a part of her, tearing away all those things she held close within her, forcing her to feel the pain, the sorrow, the anger and the rage, the fears and the emptiness. The fears that lay deep within her were allowed to be released thru the floodgates of emotion.

As the emotions were released the fever would climb higher until it devoured her physical body at a dangerous level. Yet there were spoken words here and there. " Patience, Fonce." Was spoken a few times, "The plains hold the answers. You need to dance the ritual with us." Though it was spoken low and made no sense, it did in ways that in time would be revealed. " The skies have humor for Ba'atar." She would laugh softly. " Cana, a gift comes. Don't lose sight" , the markings upon her hands seem to burn into her flesh, "Falon, they are with you. No emptiness within." Various things were spoken of for various people, what did they mean. Maybe to each something different. Something important to them. " Ayguili do not lose faith. Time.. patience.. In time you will see clear. " Words were broken and spoken repetively. As her mind and body battled to survive.

Did they have time... could she come out of it. Would the work of the healer be enough? Or was something more needed to guide her back.. The answer not yet known. For now she was once more still, her skin burning as if on fire.

What is it?

By the time Ulric reached the healers wagon, she was in a deep catatonic sleep, she did not move or even make a sound. Kaeli took over after Ulric lay her down, leaving so that the healer could examine her. Kaeli would at times have to take a mirror and hold it beneath her nose to make sure she was truly breathing. For at times it seemed that she did not. What the healer did not know is that from many turnings of meditation her breathing could slow to the point where it did not seem she breathed. But it was not a mediation that was in place now.

The state in which Tarra was in left Kaeli perplexed, she did not remember having to deal with such a case before. Upon examination she would find the arrow wound that had imbedded itself in her flesh days before .Though it had been cleaned and cauterized something still was not quite right with it. Though by the scars that adorned her opposite shoulder and side it was clear it was not the first time a weapon had embraced her body. Just as she would find along one leg the lengthy and ravaged scarring that decorated her upper thigh, the marks clearly revealed the tell tale markings of a young river tharlarion that had grasped her in a less than tender bite. How she survived that and did not lose her leg was a miracle to any who ever glimpsed it. The scars she had upon her body told a story of her life, just as the markings on her feet that matched her hands. Such things revealed there was much to the woman that she did not speak of. Yet the badges of life were resting silently upon her. Just as upon her back lay another detailed marking placed by her clan. To the clan it revealed much, not even Tarra's mate knew what it meant. Only that it was clan related and she could not speak of it.

Kaeli would begin to realize that the wound had been deliberately hidden, the knowledge not known but only to a few. The reasons not clear but yet it was clear there was a reason. But what and why. And yet she would not learn much from Ayguili as she questioned him.

As Kaeli sat with her, once in a while the stillness would be broken indecipherable words and a thrashing about as the fever began to climb higher as if a predator intent upon devouring its prey. And then a sudden stillness that left her laying like a corpse, sometimes it was as if she were dead. Kaeli was not sure what was causing the symptoms she observed. The wound also seemed to become an angry red and purulent drainage would ooze from it, like something living and putrid. This further perplexed the young healer for she knew that Tarra was not only able to heal but was a trained physician. So this was even more of an odd occurrence and this shouldn't have affected Tarra in such a manner. Nothing seemed to make sense. And there was a feeling of urgency to find out what was wrong.

Kaeli would talk to her as if she could hear her telling her of things going on in the tribe. She was not sure if the Haruspex could hear her but she would try. Tarra could hear fragments here and there as if Kaeli were speaking from a distance, yet she could not quite grasp everything, a wall of fire seemed to be ablaze over her body and soul, there was a heaviness that she could not lift from, and it felt as if every cell of her being was being seared and torn apart, she wanted to scream but could not. She wanted to get up but couldn't move. Instead she would lapse into the world of darkness.

Kaeli would think and think and yet neither she nor others could figure out what was the cause,what could render such symptoms to the point where not even the abilities and ways of the Haruspex could prevent or help. It was a startling sight to watch the clan of spex surround the healers wagons, this further revealed the depth of trouble that Tarra was indeed in. She walked along that precipice of life and death and one misstep could push her head long downward into the beckoning, sensual call of the shadows as they tried to lure her to them. They would reveal many things that were designed to bring her closer to them. Even those that did not fall into most temptations would be hard pressed to not want to give in.

What would happen? Would the young healer figure out what was causing the illness. Did she have enough time. A challenge for her and the clan was not there to hinder her but to guide her showing her the faith they had in her to help one of their own. And yet they were also there for Tarra. Much was keenly felt by the sudden fall in her health, they had never seen her falter even the few times she had been under the weather, this was just not something they have seen in her.

What would they do?

Lessons

( The following posts are not written by Tarra as most are. They are more of just my writings of things going on. Due to my unplanned absence due to some things in rt, a bit of a sl has been created around it. So please bear with the change until I catch up in posts, and feel free to interact with the story that we are going to add to the charries, as there are a few that would be affected.)


The days and nights seemed to flow into one another with a liquid fluidity of an endless winding path like the river, as she kept busy with clan work and work around the wagons. Though it seemed as if something had been stealing her strength and making her feel rather odd. Something was not right but what she could not quite place and really had not had the time to dwell on it. Garyx had been out with men away from the camp on a lengthy patrol. It seemed to her that the absences seemed to grow more longer and more frequent. But again she did not let her thoughts linger on this as she wiped the sweat from her forehead, strange that she would feel so warm. Perhaps she should rest. But she didn't, she had this habit of working herself into exhaustion when something bothered her or when she spent to much time alone. It was her therapy in a manner of speaking,she couldn't confide her thoughts to anyone. A few she had thought she could trust she learned quick she could not, so she did not allow the vulnerable sides of herself be seen or shared. She had a few hides that she would send over to the leather workers and some bone needles and sinews to send over to the healers. And various items that the artisans could use. Arkus had been spending much time with the warriors of the tribe and he seemed to be realizing many things that he had to let go that were of the lingering child and grasp the new ways of a young budding warrior. She knew it was not easy for him, and there was nothing she could do to help him. She could only be there for him when he needed her. It was never easy to pull back as a mother and not suffocate him and try to protect him from all harm, pick him up when he fell. He had to learn to be a man. This was just the beginning for him, as many times as she has had to watch this and go thru it. It was never easy. It was not something you ever got used to, watching them grow and step into their own.


Hallena was working around the wagons helping with a few of her chores, though her mood, the moping and attitude was grating on Tarra's last nerve and she had just about enough, why she wasn't out with the clan working and learning had her curious and when Hallena's mouth went just beyond that step that was respectful and acceptable, Tarra put down what she was doing and put one hand on her hip and in that tone that only a mother could use to get the attention of a wayward child, and a look that could cut right thru you she asked her what her malfunction today was. Teenagers don't usually need a reason for mood fluctuations they just seem to ride that wave of hormones with a skill that just about drives a parent insane. The shifts are lightening quick and you never know what they will do or are thinking, its like blades clash together in their brains slicing away any logical or intelligent thought at times.

Though her answer was unexpected, as it all tumbled out what she thought and what she had spoken of to others. and it took Tarra back a step or two before she finally lost her temper and spoke to her in a way that she rarely had to, Hallena was proving to be more difficult in some ways than any of the others. "This is what comes of you not listening child. Only hearing, and going off half cocked like you know everything and yet speak of things that have no merit to them. It seems to be a plague among people lately." Tarra would mutter, she had to shake her head as her daughter informed her that she was angry that Tarra would ban her from the clan, the utter nonsense of the thought was enough to just make her brain hurt. She really wanted to just throttle the young woman and let her have it in many ways. But she did not instead there was a long drawn out silence for a few moments that made Hallena uncomfortable. Tarra herself was tired of assumptions.

"First of all, I never banned you from your chosen clan, I have never done such nor would I. And the fact that you have thought this and spoken of it disappoints me very much." The fact that her mother would say she was disappointed in her was enough to make Hallie cringe, she would have preferred any reaction but that, anger, harsh words, physical punishment, anything was better than to ever hear her mother speak of being disappointed. That just made Hallena have to think on her words spoken and her own fit of temper. A display that Hallena would not have done in front of others, and yet she did. She spoke with out thought and without truly listening. She spoke with no proof or weight to her words, "Any one that would believe such does not know me and clearly is not as trustworthy or caring as I would have thought." Her tone was soft and it was clear the hurt that she felt that her own daughter would think such. "You will be the one that will correct the error of your words." Tarra told her, she would make Hallena be responsible for her misspoken words and actions . Though it would not undo what she had done. A path had been laid by her that revealed the truth of things. It would not be forgotten Tarra might forgive but she never forgets. "Secondly, you will go to your grandfather and tell him what you have done as well" Hallena swallowed, it was bad enough to have to go to her clan and reveal that she had spoken not only incorrectly but had acted in a way that placed seeds of thought that were wrong. Tarra had only stopped her from being around the prospect until she proved herself, she was not to teach Hallie anything or be close to her. Something that was not uncommon among tribe and particularly among mothers, Tarra was very protective of people, and especially her children. She was like the larl in that her claws and fangs would wound and cut deeply when she felt those she cared of were in positions of being hurt or harmed, no matter what the rationale given. One would think people would learn her instincts of people has never been wrong, and it was well known prospects were not trusted until they proved themselves. And she was of the thought if no one liked it then that was too damn bad, she had long ago seen a prospect attack a tribal member, and this one had been called brother and treated like he was a favored son and accepted and then suddenly one day he revealed his true ways and he harmed a child of the tribe and the child's mother. Needless to say he died on the spot. But it was a lesson that you should hold true to how prospect are treated no matter who they are to you or what you think of them. But then again this long before some of the ones that were here now even were born. She wasn't changing to suit the whims of anyone.

The worst punishment for Hallena was having to talk to Kamchak, she knew just what would come of it. So did Tarra which is why she did it. It was a hard lesson. But one that Hallena would have to take responsibility for. She would now have to find her way on this path and work to regain a few things, Tarra loved her children without condition and there was nothing they could do that would change it. But at the same time she would not make it easy for them to walk away from mistakes. They had to realize the consequence of actions,and take responsibility for their own actions. If they did not learn this lesson then they were doomed to be miserable and unhappy in life and useless to the tribe. It takes courage to own up to what you do. Even as adults that lesson is never easily done and some never do. Hallena was no different than any of them, it just happened to now be her turn to grasp this lesson for the first time.

After Hallena left Tarra went to the back of her wagon to gather some dried herbs, though she did not quite make it to the herbs as she felt as if she were suddenly thrown in to an endless fire pit. She leaned against the wagon finding it suddenly hard to breathe.

Had it not been for Ulric coming around to see if she needed anything who knows what may have happened. When her responses became slower and her color turned slightly ashen he told her she was going to see the healer. When she did not argue that concerned him, she never willingly went to see a healer. He would lift her in to her arms like she was a feather when suddenly her legs would fold beneath her. He took her to Kaeli's healer wagons. He did not take her to Falon only because he remembered long ago Tarra telling him that it was impossible for a healer or physician take care of family because they cannot emotionally detach themselves from their child or loved one.

The large old weathered Torv moved with a grace that none would expect from someone so big,he was one of the tribe now, he had long ago . proved himself and earned his scars and even now had a woman as his own. But he was close to Tarra. Closer than anyone she was family to him, he had known her since she was three turnings. He knew all her secrets. But this was the first time he felt the hand of fear wrap about his heart. The first time he was afraid he might lose the closest thing to a daughter he had ever had. The best friend he had ever had.

That alone made him rush to the healer.

Arkus finds his path

I sat at the fires for a short time last night, mostly just to be among others, for their thoughts and words would distract me from things I really had no desire to think about, I had heard of various things and when asked of them I had no true thought which was the truth, what I felt and thought was unknown and I intended to keep it that way. Even those that knew me had no inkling of what I was thinking or feeling, simply because I chose to close a part of myself off.

Ayguili told me that I would find Arkus at my wagons, as he had spent some time with him while he scarred a young warrior. I asked how he did for his first attendance of an actual scarring and I was very pleased to hear that while he turned a bit green a time or two that he did well. He told me that Arkus asked the right questions and paid attention, this brought a smile to me. Like his uncle he would make a fine scarrer one day, it is funny how things come full circle, the skies took Lochlan from me but they seemed to allow bits of him to be reflected in others, such as Arkus and even in the warrior Ayguili, I told him how at times he had ways of Lochlan that were just down right spooky. It unnerved me at times because it is like watching him again, not in looks but in mannerisms and certain thoughts, even how he did the scarring was eerily familiar, and now Arkus also seems to share his love of the clan. It is these things I find interesting in life.

At least he has a good warrior to learn from, I do not speak of why his father does not teach him in fact I do not even mention anything of Shi. I learned long ago to not expect anything from him and I find other ways to have done what needs to be done and the tribe has always taken care of its own, and it is no different now the men teach him what he needs to know, for each one that has taught him. I hold a thanks I can not express.

The young prospect arrived at the fires again, asking her questions Cana gave her, Ayguili 's irritation with her was apparent, and he taught her a few things that she should have known coming from the outer wagons, there is concern on how close her fathers wagons seem to be at the first fires and how she still keeps returning to them, or are they in the wagon that Cana gave her, I think we all were a bit confused, though the majority of thought from the others gathered was that she was not ready to leave the outer wagons, her father either had to cut the strings and let her grow or he needed to take her back. The one thing was clear she was not mature enough to understand many things. Though she tried when it comes to stepping into her own she is no where near ready. Ayguili mentioned someone needed to talk to her father, well I wasn't going to that was a mans place and I hinted at such , he said that was Ba 'atars problem not his, but as I reminded him the Ubar cant know if he does not enlighten him, that earned me a grunt. That I did find amusing.

When I returned to the wagons, Arkus was there all beaming with pride and he couldn't wait to share it with me, he told me all about how he felt and what he learned. I suggested that maybe he should go speak with Cana and see if she still had Lochlans old supplies. Maybe she would let him borrow them. This made him beam even more and he said at first morning light he would go see her, "Besides one day she is going to be my woman." I had to laugh softly as he said his usual. He had always had an infatuation for Cana and was determined , as much as a young teenager could be that he would take her from Ba'atar, I think she will always be his first love but he is at the age where women interest him, even though he is not happy with them at the moment.

Finally peace and quiet to think

Hallie was driving me insane with her chitter chatter, I am not sure if it was because she was making no sense or if it was because it was non stop finally I had yell at her to be silent. It is rare when I have to raise my voice with any of my children usually a look suffices. But today she was wound up and spinning out of control I swear someone filled her with a kettle full of black wine or gave he some herb. She looked at me strangely not used to my voice raising. She had nothing really she wanted to talk of she was just talking to hear herself and that is something I do not particularly care for from anyone.

My head was throbbing today and she was making it worse finally I sent her off to do chores the skies knew she had enough of them to do and if she didn't I could find her some. Once she left and I had some peace and quiet and went to the stream and sat on the embankment listening to the gently rushing of the water. The ride over the plains did little to clear my mind and there was also the wondering of what was out there lingering and finally I said the hell with it I was going riding. I did not take mist runner out instead I took the one that Tengfei gifted me with time to see what he could do. He as dark as night and it suited me at the moment. The other one that Ba'atar gave me Hallie has been working with along with Cana to train him, if she does as anticipated then I will allow her to keep the temperamental beast. But time will tell, the cool air was like pieces of glass cutting into my flesh stimulating my senses and I needed that, I needed to clear my mind.

I knew my temper could get the better of me at times if I allowed it,and I found alternate ways to release it. There were times I could get madder than a wet vulo with its head cut of and want to strip the flesh from someone but I rarely hold it long. There are only a few outside of my blood family that have the ability to truly tick me off, and the reasons are simple because I care. Otherwise they would have no effect on me. Take Cana for example it is not often she can truly piss me off, but once in a while she does and when she does I just want to spit fire and let loose on her, not that I ever do to that effect I couldn't subject her to my temper like that. I think sometimes that is good for me as it takes me back a step as well as her that neither of us are perfect and when all is said and done even when irritated it never changes how I feel or see her. Although I am certain at times she may think otherwise. Just like with Ba'atar there are times I want to separate his head from his shoulders but ultimately it doesn't change that I care no matter how angry I get. That is the beauty of family and friends it doesn't change no matter how angry you get.

Its usually when you don't get a response that I probably could care less or you aren't that important to me, or if I am silent of something it is because I am truly ticked.

It is the same with prospects some I will intentionally push and push and be harsh with, usually because I see something they do not, and either I want to have it revealed or for them to grasp it and grow from it, or in it is the ones that I do not waste my time with that I see nothing worth my energy with. My ways and thoughts often piss people off, and for some I have tried to hold my tongue and crawl over glass in order to have their friendship, but in the end I can only be me and I can be accepted for me or I cant it is up to the person.

If it was worthwhile it is still there, if it wasn't then it isn't.. That is the way of life.

A brother that is a prospect

It was late in the evening when I saw my brother approaching my fires, he joined me at the fire and I gave him some black wine to drink. I asked him how things were going and he gave his usual standard answer for all things, "It is going well." Now, it could the darkest of times and he would still give that answer. And he knew I knew that by the amusement in his eyes.

I quizzed him on various things, pushing him with the same relentless interrogation I give all prospects,he was no different even though he was my brother, he still had to go thru the same thing as others, in fact I was harder on him so that no one could say he was shown any favoritism, and many of us know how that goes from the past. No I would be more brutal with him than any other prospect, I saw that flash of irritation and I smiled and read him the riot act on a few things. Some things he should have known and he came back with a few retaliatory answers and I had to laugh. It was what I expected from him. There are some things that I can say in a certain way because I am his sister,I could say a few things that no one else could including my father, simply because of the bond that flows between siblings. He took it as he did all things with that quiet calmness, he gave his words back and showed that he had grown into a mature warrior that knew when to say things and when not to. That is not to say he does not enjoy pushing back because he did.

I was pleased to see that he still knew much and had not forgotten much that father had taught us. He told me of various things that he had been thru, and the one thing that I have a feeling hurts him the deepest is the subject of Talya, all he would say was she was dead and it was said in such a cold flat tone that it sent shivers down my spine, I wanted to ask but I didn't only because I knew he wasn't ready to speak of it, but I had a feeling he had a hand in her death some how. But how much I was not sure, I had to wonder what happened, the last I had heard was a message from him all those turnings ago when he was going to mate her, he had been happy and excited, from what we knew she had been a healer one of the Tuchuk tribes he had stayed with, she was also a beautiful Tuchuk woman full of fire, spirit and stubbornness. That pretty much describes a lot of Tuchuk women though. And now there was this heaviness and coldness when he said that she was dead. I could see that he had been hurt deeply and unfortunately I know Larl, and he is not one to recover from something like that to easy and his tone told me that he would not be any time soon.

I had to wonder at the manner of some women, having spoken to two warriors now who have tasted the worst of them it is clear that women like that make it harder for other women who are not like that, it makes it a harder path to prove yourself not to do what these women had. Just as I have seen another hurt by one who simply just left, I do not pity the men because they would not wish such, but I do feel their pain and disappointments that fluctuate thru them. I wonder at why they had to go thru this what was it they were to learn of themselves and others, what they chose to embrace as the lesson I do not think was the lesson and if so they would repeat this lesson. I hope that each finds the true lesson before they receive it again.

I asked of Dahra it was not usual to see the two of them apart, being that they were twins it just was odd.He rolled his eyes when I asked, "She is off on some new explorative adventure." I had to laugh in other words something or someone caught her attention and she had to see what would come of it, she always was the more adventurous out of all of them. He asked of Dina and Lukus, and I could not tell him much as the last I saw of them they were alive and well. Both chose to live in the jungles, Lukus was now the chieftain of the village and Dina was their sangoma. I had always hoped that they would embrace the Tuchuk blood within them but the mamba blood was the strongest. Argus the last we saw of him he had joined the black caste and was training, we have not seen or heard from him since. Each of them had to answer what called to them, my place was on the plains. It always has been. My children all but a few also felt the pull of the plains stronger, He asked of my children that were not here. I had to tell him of Tanzia and Lochlan's death , which left only Falon left of the triplets. I know she has an emptiness within her that no one and nothing could fill, it was a bond between twins and triplets that no one could come close to filling. Tanzia never had the pull to the plains even when young her lessons on Tuchuk ways did not hold her interest and she didn't want to learn them. She chose her path and walked into her own death. Lochlan and Falon always felt the pull of the plains, they easily learned the ways and they were a natural part of them, Lochlan died in battle saving the life of another warrior of the tribe, he died as all warriors would wish to, in battle with honor. I told him that he had been mated to Cana and during that time he had love and happiness, and the skies had blessed them with a son. He teased me on the grandmother thing and I smacked the back of his head teasingly, somehow I did not look like a grandmother and really didn't feel it, as I did not often see him. Though I hear of how he is doing so I know he is being raised with a lot of love and care and was being taught much, that was important to me. He asked of the children I had with Brutus and I think he regretted that, it was a sore subject with me, I had no choice but to have them banned from the tribe, they had the ways of dwellers thanks to the weak minded karian that had them in her care, they had turned my children into dwellers who when it suited them had Tuchuk and mamba ways, that was nonsense you cant be scattered and confused like that. To be unknowing of yourself means you walk no path in life and to have no purpose or life means you walk with no soul, no spirit. They had ideas and expectations that were not Tuchuk. It was a painful decision but they had a choice leave or face death. They were no longer my children as I never instilled such things in them, I raised mine better than that and yet it was as if I was never in their lives something I will never understand but then again everyone makes a choice they made theirs. They are of my blood and I will always love them as a mother but as a Tuchuk they would die if they ever set foot near the tribe. I know that father would ensure it would happen.

Larl nodded in understanding, he knew what it meant and he knew how much it took from me to have that done. It had been a true test of what I often said and taught, and I never did or taught what I myself could not do. He asked of various people in the tribe that he had seen but did not know, I did not give him any names but as he described various people I have some insight on who they were within the tribe such as if a healer, or leatherworker, if tribe or a prospect like he was. We shared a few moments of laughter and joking before he decided to go and torment Chay, the man is taking his own life in his hands, and he seemed to revel in the idea, though for some reason she does tolerate him and doesn't try to remove body parts. Must be that Tuchuk charm.