I had found myself falling into my usual routine once more. Rising before the blackened skies could lighten with the multitude of colors that looked like someone taken vibrant paints and streaked them across the sky.
There were many reasons I seemed to fall into this routine, mostly because I felt sort of lost and out of sorts with myself. Something did not feel right. But what it was I could not put my finger on. And also because of a more personal reason, one that I have intentionally not really examined to closely. One that I still keep silent upon. Is it fear of confirmation of what I have been feeling. More than likely. I do not want to truly look or feel. But I know that eventually I must. But I find my mind pondering a few things, questioning a few things. But yet I do or say nothing of what is floating around in that head of mine. I for now just wait to see what will be revealed.
As I worked with some herbs separating them and drying them, I found myself feeling rather strange once more as if someone had walked thru me and gripped my heart in an icy grip, it took my breath away. Horrendous images floated thru my mind so intense they were painful, such has never occurred before. I have a fairly good tolerance to pain, not high but still I can hold myself in control for the most part, except for this, it had me doubled over and writhing in pain it was as if I felt ever swipe of the blade that was rendered. Every arrow that flew across the sky. Tasted the blood that nourished the ground. It was so intense that it doubled me over. I have not felt such before with anything I have ever seen, but what I saw has cut me so deep that I cannot breathe. It weakens me as if it were my blood that was flowing. Maybe I overdid it and had been working to hard, did I leave the healers wagon to early? All these things went thru my mind as I lay on the ground in what I could only describe as a vulnerable weakened state. Something was not right. Many things had not made sense lately. I managed to see thru the haze and make my way to the wagon where I would collapse upon the furs. I would stay there for some time not coming out. I did not feel like eating or drinking I could only lay there and come to terms with what was happening. I had asked Ulric to not speak of it. Many were used to my long ahns of work and it would not be noticed that I was not about.
Eventually I began to feel more like myself. Less tired and my appetite somewhat returned. I ventured to the fire and saw Cana. She looked as if she were ready to deliver at any moment. She looks good and tells me she is feeling fine. Which I am glad to hear. She does look healthy and radiant. Fonce joined us and they enjoyed a banter with each other that is almost impossible for me to be a part of, it is not intentional on their part but it happens. They have a language and understanding of their own. Such is the way of the bonds of friendship. A discussion began between the two of them that clearly I had no knowledge of and I felt like a third wheel and politely excused myself. It was not anything they did on purpose but I felt like an outsider looking in. I think it was just better for me to embrace the warmth of my wagons and finally eat something instead of sitting like a silent statue. I felt something in that moment I had not thought I ever would.
There is blood in the moons.
I try to keep my thoughts from that particular path to. But ultimately it is drawn there. Something is going to happen. I feel it.. I know it. And I find myself in a struggle for a reason to not follow. In truth.. I find myself finding less and less of a reason to keep trying. There are a few things that have troubled me.. But my thoughts on them hold little weight and who would care to hear them anyway other than to use it as fodder for gossip. I think there comes a time when you realize. You have done all you were destined to. You realize that you have experienced so much that life now holds little challenge or adventure. And there is a time to just simply do as so many other elders do and remain within your own wagon. Away from slaves, prospects, women and men. I think my time has come to do that as well.
I am lost. The visions have revealed some things that have me rattled down to the very depth of my soul. I am lost without the black larl. He was the one I could always talk to of anything and everything. He never judged me no matter how silly or serious. How minute or huge it was. My thoughts and feelings meant something and he would listen and take them into consideration. It is a stark realization when you realize that you are very much alone among so many. I hope that I am wrong in what I saw.. But I rarely am.. This last patrol did not feel right, but he has been on it for such a long time. So now I ride to the edge of the plains and I wait to see what news is brought. I wish that I could speak of what I have seen. But I cannot. Truth is, he is too much a part of me. Without him I do not think I can find the strength this time to go on. The shadows lure is strong when you have no will to fight them. I hear them speak. I feel them closing in. I see them lurking. I wish that what I felt was not so strong and that I am for the first time wrong. Maybe I should ask another who seems to know more than I and be so much more. I do get the message. I am not that dense. My age has not muddled my mind. And I guess those that wish such will be dancing with joy. After all is it not what they desired and wished for even when they did not have all the facts only assumptions.
There were many reasons I seemed to fall into this routine, mostly because I felt sort of lost and out of sorts with myself. Something did not feel right. But what it was I could not put my finger on. And also because of a more personal reason, one that I have intentionally not really examined to closely. One that I still keep silent upon. Is it fear of confirmation of what I have been feeling. More than likely. I do not want to truly look or feel. But I know that eventually I must. But I find my mind pondering a few things, questioning a few things. But yet I do or say nothing of what is floating around in that head of mine. I for now just wait to see what will be revealed.
As I worked with some herbs separating them and drying them, I found myself feeling rather strange once more as if someone had walked thru me and gripped my heart in an icy grip, it took my breath away. Horrendous images floated thru my mind so intense they were painful, such has never occurred before. I have a fairly good tolerance to pain, not high but still I can hold myself in control for the most part, except for this, it had me doubled over and writhing in pain it was as if I felt ever swipe of the blade that was rendered. Every arrow that flew across the sky. Tasted the blood that nourished the ground. It was so intense that it doubled me over. I have not felt such before with anything I have ever seen, but what I saw has cut me so deep that I cannot breathe. It weakens me as if it were my blood that was flowing. Maybe I overdid it and had been working to hard, did I leave the healers wagon to early? All these things went thru my mind as I lay on the ground in what I could only describe as a vulnerable weakened state. Something was not right. Many things had not made sense lately. I managed to see thru the haze and make my way to the wagon where I would collapse upon the furs. I would stay there for some time not coming out. I did not feel like eating or drinking I could only lay there and come to terms with what was happening. I had asked Ulric to not speak of it. Many were used to my long ahns of work and it would not be noticed that I was not about.
Eventually I began to feel more like myself. Less tired and my appetite somewhat returned. I ventured to the fire and saw Cana. She looked as if she were ready to deliver at any moment. She looks good and tells me she is feeling fine. Which I am glad to hear. She does look healthy and radiant. Fonce joined us and they enjoyed a banter with each other that is almost impossible for me to be a part of, it is not intentional on their part but it happens. They have a language and understanding of their own. Such is the way of the bonds of friendship. A discussion began between the two of them that clearly I had no knowledge of and I felt like a third wheel and politely excused myself. It was not anything they did on purpose but I felt like an outsider looking in. I think it was just better for me to embrace the warmth of my wagons and finally eat something instead of sitting like a silent statue. I felt something in that moment I had not thought I ever would.
There is blood in the moons.
I try to keep my thoughts from that particular path to. But ultimately it is drawn there. Something is going to happen. I feel it.. I know it. And I find myself in a struggle for a reason to not follow. In truth.. I find myself finding less and less of a reason to keep trying. There are a few things that have troubled me.. But my thoughts on them hold little weight and who would care to hear them anyway other than to use it as fodder for gossip. I think there comes a time when you realize. You have done all you were destined to. You realize that you have experienced so much that life now holds little challenge or adventure. And there is a time to just simply do as so many other elders do and remain within your own wagon. Away from slaves, prospects, women and men. I think my time has come to do that as well.
I am lost. The visions have revealed some things that have me rattled down to the very depth of my soul. I am lost without the black larl. He was the one I could always talk to of anything and everything. He never judged me no matter how silly or serious. How minute or huge it was. My thoughts and feelings meant something and he would listen and take them into consideration. It is a stark realization when you realize that you are very much alone among so many. I hope that I am wrong in what I saw.. But I rarely am.. This last patrol did not feel right, but he has been on it for such a long time. So now I ride to the edge of the plains and I wait to see what news is brought. I wish that I could speak of what I have seen. But I cannot. Truth is, he is too much a part of me. Without him I do not think I can find the strength this time to go on. The shadows lure is strong when you have no will to fight them. I hear them speak. I feel them closing in. I see them lurking. I wish that what I felt was not so strong and that I am for the first time wrong. Maybe I should ask another who seems to know more than I and be so much more. I do get the message. I am not that dense. My age has not muddled my mind. And I guess those that wish such will be dancing with joy. After all is it not what they desired and wished for even when they did not have all the facts only assumptions.
Then again it may just be the lingering illness and the things that I have been feeling from others that guide my thoughts and it could be my picking up on the emotions of others. Who really knows.
At the moment.. I only know that. there is. . .
Blood on the moons.
At the moment.. I only know that. there is. . .
Blood on the moons.
