Beyond my understanding. . .

In the early morning the darkness of the night is sliced with ribbons of color slashing thru it, giving hint of the brightness that is valiantly pushing thru. This battle between day light and night time is one I enjoy watching, it is eternal in its struggle and though each will lose the fight at different times of day it is no less than magnificent and beautiful. I have two favorite times of day, sunrise and sunset.

More often than naught I am here within the circle of my wagons at both times of day, simply enjoying those moments of life that often pass you by without you realizing it. I also find myself standing at a crossroads once more. Deciding which direction to take is never easy. For the way is never clear, it is often obscured and murky. And yet I also find myself stripped of many layers leaving open a rawness and sensitivity that I have not felt in a long time at least not to this degree. It is akin to having all the skin removed leaving only the tissue and muscle exposed quivering painfully in the air. Exposed and vulnerable.

As I sit here on the trail towards Turia I find myself having a hard time writing my thoughts as we travel towards Turia for the love wars. I really had contemplated remaining behind but that was not an option. So I sit here try to put down my thoughts but they do not want to cooperate, either they come out with such force that there is just a lengthy sonnet of thoughts that are scrambled and broken and form no coherency, or they remain tightly corked and pushed away so that nothing would induce them to flow freely. Yet , I have plenty of thoughts on various people, in fact on a couple I have some very definite concrete ideas along with some deep heart felt disappointments, and on others the illusion of them has been shattered as their true colors are revealed. I have not spoken of these things to anyone, for a variety of reasons, and I also do not write of some of these things because I have waited to long to do so, and to try and write of them would be inaccurate and also because when I find myself stepping onto the dark of losing any caring I once held I cease to expend the energy to put things down on paper. It is never good when I allow myself to be embraced by this.

I find myself caught in a barrage of thoughts and emotions that pull me in many directions, leaving me with a sense of deep loss, profound sadness and the sharpness of disappointment. There is much of people that lend to this, and there is much of myself that cements it. I have been watching people, I had hopes for a few and I find myself greatly disappointed, and I find myself pulling farther and farther away within myself,becoming less vocal and more withdrawn. A quieter facet is beginning to be revealed, the calm waters are superficial, beneath them lies a deep turbulence. Each time I take a step outward I find two reasons to step back within. Each day I find the part of me that cares slowly disappearing, I struggle each day to find a reason to step outside the circle of my wagon. I see some changes in people that I am not impressed with. I could sit and write the specifics but it would take to much time and energy. And to do so would give power and energy to it that I would rather not provide or encourage to grow. Suffice it to see that for one, many notice and for others a few notice things. And it will be reflected in how people relate to them and see them, I am sure the change has already been felt and for them I would suggest they look at and within themselves for the answers,for a few trust has been lost for more than one tribal member. It is my thought that the energy used to pursue warriors should be used to become part of the first fires. I do not see that tribe is a priority, I see only the needs and wants of the individual being placed as a first priority. I also see history repeating itself and I hope that one is wise enough to see the similarities to save themselves from the same hurt that has been rendered before.

I think I also find much to do within the sanctuary of my wagons because I am aware of how others view me, some things I did not really know but as time passes much is revealed. These thoughts are troubling to me and I am not sure how to navigate thru them. Somewhere along the way I seem to have lost me, and I have been lost for several turnings. And I am not sure that I will be found again. Maybe the true me will never been found, sometimes when you are lost and buried for so long, you can never recover. I try to remember how I was before I was parted from the plains, is that when I was lost? Or was it at the hands of others when they destroyed and slaughtered me? I am not really sure. But, I do not think the true me will ever really be seen. It is to dangerous to my heart and spirit to allow me out.

I have given up trying to sit and talk to those I would enjoy speaking with, or that I want to talk with because every time I go to do so, someone suddenly has a need,and it is not usually an important or life changing need but by the time they think on it, it has grown into such, usually it is the same few over and over, most times it is just so that they can remain in the focused line of vision on a daily basis to pave the path to what it is they want, so I have to wonder is this coincidental or are they afraid of the friendship that might once more be developed or restored. Then add to it that those I have sought out do not usually have the time or put me off until it is forgotten, as if never spoken of. Or when it is I am given one set of words and others are given a different set, either way the fates have had their way, I do not pursue these avenues anymore. Those that are true will be revealed, and those that care will be revealed, just as those that really want to know will do so. I am too tired to fight for things and people anymore. Essentially that is where I am at this juncture, floating in the abyss bathing in its heavy sticky touch. I used to try and fight my way out but I find that the fight has gone out of me. It takes to much effort . And people have shown that all that energy and time that is forced thru is not usually worth it.

There are some things that I have observed or shown to me that if they weren't so ludicrous I would have to laugh and find them amusing, but it is just beyond my comprehension, yet another reason for me to remain in solitude because it seems even simple joking and talking with a warrior is taken as I am chasing after someone, Good skies I am probably one of the very few women that has never chased a man, and I sure as hell am not about to start now. It is not my style to play the mind games and plot and manipulate in order to capture a man, many do this, I watch it happening now , but I have more class and intelligence than to act like a sleen in heat or to act like and ost and be charmingly deceptive. I am me, I speak the truth as I see it and feel it. So for me to talk to or tease a warrior does not mean I want to jump in his furs or mate him.

Besides even if there was one or two or three that would have interested me, lets face it there is not a one that I have seen that would have be interested in me of all people, given I seem to scare a few, intimidate a few, or bore yet a few others. So why would I set myself up for failure?
I am quite are of the hard facts of life, I hardly inspire an interest or spark fire within them, in fact I rather bore most, so why would I want to contemplate such. I do not have the raw sensual passion that is flaunted about, that is something I keep private, it is there, but it is something I save for one that shares my path of life. I have my share of dark desires that very few know of just as I have the full fledged passions of a wild fire. I am not witty or colorful, I tend to speak my mind as it thinks of something. I am not a dark exotic beauty or delicate flower, I am just simply me. I am flawed, I am scarred, I feel things deeply and I am far more sensitive than many know, there is much I know and yet much I do not know, there is much I have experienced and much I have not. It is sad that you cannot even joke or speak with a warrior for jealousy to take root. Though truth be told I have so much more to give than is even realized, but now I suppose I have to be careful don't laugh to much, smile to much or tease. Assumptions are often made. Wrongly so.


I do not envy Fonce and Ayguili, or in fact any other warrior that is around the first fires, for they have eyes and ears upon them even when they think they do not, for some are very curious of each woman they speak to, watching to see if he has an interest in another instead of them, and they step up their game when they feel threatened, a few think they already have him in fact they act like he is courting them already. I just have to scratch my head, the whispers I have heard amuse me, I suppose many do not realize, I have a history with many people, since I have been around for some time, I remember when Fonce came to become a part of the tribe, we once had the beginnings of friendship a long time ago, but for some reason we have often had fireworks between us, I am not sure why,but it is a simple fact, neither of us has made much progress in crossing that bridge, though I have tried many times. In fact, we spoke briefly of it, he has little faith in the words of women getting to know him and standing by him, I do understand this,for personal reasons and also from having watched and listened for many turnings,in fact there is much I understand because in some things I am or have been thru it. I do not expect him to believe the words we spoke of, but I reminded him that I have not stopped trying to get to know him, I have never given up on him. Even when many thought him dead, I would often remind him he was not, I do not think he realizes that I searched for him thru the way sof the clan. Regardless of how many times he has lashed out at me and knocked me down with various words, or in some instances lack of words,sometimes I think he does not really see these things and other times I think he sees that I am more defensive to him than I am. He does not always see clear, but then I do not always see or hear clearly either. It is one of those volatile episodes that color things for each. But regardless, I still try to know him. He spoke of the side of him that is not the best part of him, I do not think he realizes yet that I have the tendency to take the good and bad of people and when I care I don't walk away. I am still there, even he had to admit he has never seen me run from a storm. Perhaps one day he may realize how much alike we are in some things. Cana walked in on the bantering of this, she caught the I will show you mine if you show me yours, now it was not how it sounded but it did make for some humor. Cana thinks we are each dangerous on our own but together it was just scary. Now I did find humor in that.

Just like last night, I teased him after the dweller Sorrel told him he was like a grandfather, oh good skies I nearly pissed myself laughing over that, I just do not see him as a grandfather, and I commented on how my handiwork would be all wrinkly and this lead to some teasing, some were trying to figure it out but I was not telling, he knew. He bears my signature mark on his thigh, and lets face it I am still a woman and even I would have to say, Fonce is put together rather damn well. I am hardly blind. But I sure was not going to give specifics and provide fodder for others to chew upon.

Now where in there am I flirting or chasing him? I don't think I have ever flirted in my life, I do not have those girlie tendencies that many have, my father didn't teach flirting or seduction 101, he taught me how to take care of myself, defend myself, wager, hunt and even how to fight if I need to, along with a few less than nice things to know. He taught me to be honest, have integrity, to be loyal, and so many other things. I have to shake my head, it is a damn good thing for these young women I am not. Because I can promise without a doubt,that I can do and give things they could only dream of, and not one damn man I have been with has ever been unhappy, in fact even those that were pure bastards, if they could have me back they would. Though I suppose I should say they are all dead but one. I might be old, I might not be beautiful and I might speak my mind with all the fire and spirit of the plains, but I do know how to be faithful, loving, loyal and I know how to treat a man. There is more to me than what they see. But it ticks me off the stupidity of people,should I not talk to warriors for fear it will be taken as being on the prowl.

And people wonder why I have decided to keep to myself.

I have stopped writing for now as I find my words starting to ramble and become unfocused, besides I need to go find a way to get even with Mezoo and Ayguili, damn if they did not maneuver me into shopping. I have to admit that was pretty damn slick how they did that, I suspect Cana had a hand in that to.

Now that is another story. . . they can be assured I will find a way to get even. eventually

I know? what exactly is it I know. . .

Was it the pain of my son that kept me pacing around the circle of my wagons thru the night, or was it that old familiar restlessness pulling at me. I am careful as a rule to keep myself shielded from the onslaught of emotion by people. I felt a presence of late, something undefinable, it was not dark yet it was not light.

It was just there as if waiting and beckoning at the same time and yet in a different nuance it was pushing and obstructing and fighting to be free. What was this that I felt enveloping me, familiar yet unfamiliar, warm and yet cold, gentle and yet biting. I could not quite figure it out.

"You know." Was whispered within my head, yet it was not one voice it was many.

I know? I would ask myself, what is it I am supposed to know but yet clearly I do not.

"Yes, you do. " was stated once more only with more power behind it, it sounded louder as if it were echoing inside of my head.

Now, I was not going to stand here and argue with voices inside my head, even I would have to wonder if I wasn't going looney tunes then. I drew in a slow breath and walked once more around the circle. When I felt a sudden warmth of something rush thru me, as if something or someone passed thru me, I knew I was not channeling as I never do such alone and I was not working on doing it, not that I did it often I think the last time I did, was for Cana when Tayco died.

"Really Tarra you are going to wear a hole in the ground with all that pacing, still yourself already white larl."

Okay, now that got my attention. I know exactly who that sounded like, and I was going insane. But yet, there was a part of me that wondered, what was going on or better yet why was it going on, I was not even doing anything related to the clan. I haven't for some time, I had to rub my head for a moment, maybe the lack of sleep was affecting my mind, the youngest sons emotions had drained me in a way I have not felt in a while, maybe that to was affecting, but he had needed to release them so he could move onward. I think he will find himself feeling better. Arkus has decided to take him under his wing during the journey to Turia. Many are excited about this trip, I can not say I am, I am not a big fan of going near the city. I am even less of a fan of mixing with dwellers. I do not think I get as excited of these things as I once did, I have seen far to many of them, but I do remember the excitement of them when I was young. So I can see and understand the sense of exhilration many feel. I will have to look for Symira, she is the one I often deal with for trading of spices, herbs and other things, not to mention she is one of the few that I can call freind, even if she is a dweller. But she knows how I think and feel so she does not take exception to it. We owe each other a debt of blood. That has meaning and I honor it.

Silence, this was good, now to contemplate the words spoken. Without warning there was a flash of past visions when with the ancient one, once more the warrior that killed me twice appeared. Oh no, was I going to die again, I was getting rather tired of those visions, as I really hated getting killed in each one. I still was not sure what they all had meant, for as much as I learned and gained with the ancient one, I also left with many unanswered questions and thoughts.

This time he was just standing there,he held no weapon and he had nothing predatory about him, but I was no fool, I knew to be cautious. I did not fear him, I never have. In his hand he held a large opal, but yet between us I saw a fence or wall of some sort. My mind drifted thru the symbolism that was before me and before I could speak the vision was gone.

I had to blink for a moment as I looked around, nothing was out of place, now why was something or someone suddenly pushing very hard for me to see something. I decided to go lay down for a while to contemplate these things.

" You know." was whispered again, I could hear thousands of voices in that one voice.

"Just look and allow it to be shared." Was offered to me in an almost sing song type of voice, I could see once more something floating around me, almost as if a living ribbon were twirling and twisting about me, the silver white strands that floated outward reminded me of pale strands of moonlight, shimmering and illuminating everything, it would wrap about me as if it sought to be a part of me, there were so many familiar scents and tones within it, as if there were many I knew from present and past and even though there were some I did not recognize it was as if I did. Strange.. but then again not really, I knew it was the collective energy of the voices, the spirits and vibrations of those that spoke, letting me feel their presence. As if to let me know that I really did hear them, I was not loosing my mind.

Then just as fast as they came they were gone.

" Soon." was all they left me with.

They had to be men, only men left you wanting for more and then just stopped and walked away. Well, okay I suppose women were in there to, because women were known to do the same teasing seductive dance.

Great, leave it to me to have such a thought, now either I would not sleep at all, or the dreams would be very erotic, either way, it was going to be a long night.

Still in my mind it was just bosk shit, I had no intention of searching for the meaning and answers.

Then I felt a nudge as I entered my wagon, " You of all people know you can't change who you are or what you are." I just shook my head, at this point I really was in no mood to listen. So I shut out the voices, but damn if certain images did not keep bursting into my head, yes, it was going to be a long night, and maybe even a few trips to the stream.