I waited to see what it was my son had on his mind, when he drew near the emotions that were bottled within him were tangible as if I could reach out and grasp them into my hand. My youngest son sat next to me and leaned into me, I slipped my arm about him and held him close to me, I did not speak letting him determine the pace and path of this discussion.
I felt a warm wetness along my tunic, I knew that there were silent tears escaping his eyes, I was not sure what was causing him so much sorrow, I know that he had expressed his sorrow,pain and anger when his father died, I know that I have kept an open line of communication with each of my children they all know there is nothing they can not come to me with that will ever change how I see and feel about them. I may not always agree, but I will always listen So it left me wondering about what had him so deeply troubled.
I was further surprised when he moved to curl in my lap and against me like a little boy who needed comfort, I held him in my arms, cradling him as I used to when he was small, granted he was more than to big to be held as such now but it was something he needed.
Eventually he spoke, breaking the silence, " I was with my friends learning how to make weapons and each of them had their father with them, I remember father telling me he would show me how to do different things, I feel as if I have the bazi plaque for certain things." I felt a twinge of pain shoot thru me, and I had to draw in a slow breath, I began to understand, he was feeling those sudden unexpected moments of loss and pain that had a way of striking out of no where to bring you to your knees, they were hard to express. There can be events, smells, events and so many little things that may bring that pain to the surface, he was struggling to deal with this. I was not really sure how to guide him on this. " The other warriors they were helpful and taught me much but it was not the same and I felt so out of place. Is this wrong to feel this way?" He would ask.
"No," I would state softly to him as my hand moved thru that wild thatch of hair that had now grown long, sometimes he would try to braid it to keep it tame. Other times he would not, sort of like a mini Garyx running around. "Sometimes we think that we have dealt with the pain and sorrow of losing someone that is important to us, someone that we love more than anyone else, but there will be situations every day that may remind us of how big of a hole the loss of them has left." I knew this all to well, there were days where just a simple word or scent would bring that wound in my heart open and leave it to bleed profusely.
"Does it get better, does it ever go away." Now that was a difficult thing to answer, "It eventually gets easier but there will always be a part of you that will miss your father, he was a man that is not easily forgotten nor should you, because in your heart he is with you, he loved you more than I think even he thought possible, he had such great pride when you were born, you were his first son, his first child. " I smiled gently to him, I recall with clarity the happiness and pride he felt when he held his son for the first time. I have been fortunate to give most of my mates a few firsts from a first child, to a first son to a first daughter.
My youngest son looked to me, "Do you still feel these things?' He would ask, I would nod, there was a deep emotion within me that prevented me from talking, no one knew just how deep my emotions were, nor did anyone know of the tears I shed in private or the deep sense of being lost I felt. I kept it hidden from my children and from the few that I did call friend. "Yes," eventually I answered him "There are days when something is said or a special moment is remembered and I feel as you do now." I was not lying to him, but I did not reveal the depth of the things I felt. He touched my cheek, " Thank you Mother," He then sat up and moved beside as if revealing he was a man and it was just unmanly to be so emotional, actually it was a good sign he felt things. To get them out was good. "Do you think you will ever share your life with another again." He would ask. I shook my head. "No. I do not think so." I would not say that definitely but I was pretty certain, there was not exactly a lot to choose from that would be able to stay around me for any length of time He laughed, I knew full well that some tolerated me, others did not really want to get to know me, very few people male or female really want to take that chance. They speak one way and do another, I learned long ago just to keep myself at a certain distance, maybe one day someone would really want to know me, of me and know things. For now I would just continue as I always do, work around my wagons. I don't do much within the clan its been made pretty clear that only one person teaches anyone and I really have no purpose within it. I do a few things for Chulunn and others that they need but I crate them in the sanctuary of my own wagons.
He hugged me and grinned " Somehow I doubt you will be alone long any man that doesn't reach out to grab you is a fool, you are one of the most protective, honorable, courageous and loyal women I know. All the things warriors value." And then off he went there was more of a lightness to him for which I was thankful he was going to be alright. I had to chuckle at his words. Sometimes he could just make me think. And sometimes he could just make me laugh, I do not know why he and a few others seem to think I should not be alone. But it does not matter what he or others want, because my destiny is now in my hands. And I have already decided. However, he will be some Haruspex and warrior when he grows up.
I moved from my wagon to one of the other ones I had been working on, there was always something to fix or take care of within my little circle.
I felt a warm wetness along my tunic, I knew that there were silent tears escaping his eyes, I was not sure what was causing him so much sorrow, I know that he had expressed his sorrow,pain and anger when his father died, I know that I have kept an open line of communication with each of my children they all know there is nothing they can not come to me with that will ever change how I see and feel about them. I may not always agree, but I will always listen So it left me wondering about what had him so deeply troubled.
I was further surprised when he moved to curl in my lap and against me like a little boy who needed comfort, I held him in my arms, cradling him as I used to when he was small, granted he was more than to big to be held as such now but it was something he needed.
Eventually he spoke, breaking the silence, " I was with my friends learning how to make weapons and each of them had their father with them, I remember father telling me he would show me how to do different things, I feel as if I have the bazi plaque for certain things." I felt a twinge of pain shoot thru me, and I had to draw in a slow breath, I began to understand, he was feeling those sudden unexpected moments of loss and pain that had a way of striking out of no where to bring you to your knees, they were hard to express. There can be events, smells, events and so many little things that may bring that pain to the surface, he was struggling to deal with this. I was not really sure how to guide him on this. " The other warriors they were helpful and taught me much but it was not the same and I felt so out of place. Is this wrong to feel this way?" He would ask.
"No," I would state softly to him as my hand moved thru that wild thatch of hair that had now grown long, sometimes he would try to braid it to keep it tame. Other times he would not, sort of like a mini Garyx running around. "Sometimes we think that we have dealt with the pain and sorrow of losing someone that is important to us, someone that we love more than anyone else, but there will be situations every day that may remind us of how big of a hole the loss of them has left." I knew this all to well, there were days where just a simple word or scent would bring that wound in my heart open and leave it to bleed profusely.
"Does it get better, does it ever go away." Now that was a difficult thing to answer, "It eventually gets easier but there will always be a part of you that will miss your father, he was a man that is not easily forgotten nor should you, because in your heart he is with you, he loved you more than I think even he thought possible, he had such great pride when you were born, you were his first son, his first child. " I smiled gently to him, I recall with clarity the happiness and pride he felt when he held his son for the first time. I have been fortunate to give most of my mates a few firsts from a first child, to a first son to a first daughter.
My youngest son looked to me, "Do you still feel these things?' He would ask, I would nod, there was a deep emotion within me that prevented me from talking, no one knew just how deep my emotions were, nor did anyone know of the tears I shed in private or the deep sense of being lost I felt. I kept it hidden from my children and from the few that I did call friend. "Yes," eventually I answered him "There are days when something is said or a special moment is remembered and I feel as you do now." I was not lying to him, but I did not reveal the depth of the things I felt. He touched my cheek, " Thank you Mother," He then sat up and moved beside as if revealing he was a man and it was just unmanly to be so emotional, actually it was a good sign he felt things. To get them out was good. "Do you think you will ever share your life with another again." He would ask. I shook my head. "No. I do not think so." I would not say that definitely but I was pretty certain, there was not exactly a lot to choose from that would be able to stay around me for any length of time He laughed, I knew full well that some tolerated me, others did not really want to get to know me, very few people male or female really want to take that chance. They speak one way and do another, I learned long ago just to keep myself at a certain distance, maybe one day someone would really want to know me, of me and know things. For now I would just continue as I always do, work around my wagons. I don't do much within the clan its been made pretty clear that only one person teaches anyone and I really have no purpose within it. I do a few things for Chulunn and others that they need but I crate them in the sanctuary of my own wagons.
He hugged me and grinned " Somehow I doubt you will be alone long any man that doesn't reach out to grab you is a fool, you are one of the most protective, honorable, courageous and loyal women I know. All the things warriors value." And then off he went there was more of a lightness to him for which I was thankful he was going to be alright. I had to chuckle at his words. Sometimes he could just make me think. And sometimes he could just make me laugh, I do not know why he and a few others seem to think I should not be alone. But it does not matter what he or others want, because my destiny is now in my hands. And I have already decided. However, he will be some Haruspex and warrior when he grows up.
I moved from my wagon to one of the other ones I had been working on, there was always something to fix or take care of within my little circle.
