Old man slumber likes to tease the outer fringes of my mind, bringing just enough of his touch to take me to the edge of a deep sleep where I hover and dream, then he suddenly rips it away to awaken me and leave me with ahns of wakefulness, it is a cycle repeated every night, I have learned when I cannot sleep that I slip on my leathers and a loose tunic and braid my hair loosely just in case anyone wandered into my circle of wagons, and I have had it happen occasionally during the night that someone needs something, my bare feet touch the ground and my toes curl into the dirt and grass, not just to feel it but to let it touch me. To speak to me and comfort me. I do not think I could explain to anyone what it is like to be so connected, perhaps another Haruspex may understand but only if they are truly connected not only to themselves but everything around them and beyond them.
In the gaze of the moons I move to the spex wagon and I lift a basket of dried herbs and a bowl and I walk to sit on the platform of my wagon , I sit there just gazing up at the tre moons, if you look at them just right you can capture in your vision the outer mystical glow that circles them, there is something deeply spiritual and magical about them. I feel something when I work beneath their loving gaze, there is no blood in the moons this night that is a good sign. I toss the dried herbs into the bowl and I begin to slowly grind them to pulverize them into a powder, it is slow tedious work, but not one I mind when I cannot sleep. It will soon enough slow down my mind and bore me enough to return to slumber. I have listened as I have heard speak as if they never sleep, now this is impossible, because the mind becomes delusional and atrophies, the body will not function, the body has a self preservation built in, it will force you to sleep after a couple of days one way or another. Now I know why my sleep is interrupted, there is much within my mind and much that I keep such control over in front of others that at night it comes out to speak to me and remind me of some things, I am also aware of Cana being restless and I understand why, I do not push I know when she needs me she will come to me, just as I know right now it is Fonce she needs, I know he is able to do certain things I can not do at this time. I think this thought would surprise a few, but I do not guide the thoughts of people they make their own assumptions, often incorrectly. I am more skilled at some things than he is, and he is skilled at some things I am not, the advantage I have is age and knowledge, but that does not take away from what he has, what he knows and can do, and what he will continue to learn, because we are constantly learning and evolving as we grow, it is an eternal ongoing thing, it does not mean I think more or less of him and it does not mean that I think I am better or not better than him. There are some things that I hope in time will sort themselves out when it comes to him. But it has no bearing on how I see him as a warrior or spex. Nor will I deny my own limitations or lack of experience in some things. What they are will be learned thru time by those who truly wish to know.
I think over the past few days, there are some I have not seen, and a few I would rather not, the disappearance and appearance of some amuses me in a way because it is not coincidental. A few just make me shake my head,and few have me concerned, I have watched a few change lately and become emboldened in certain goals, I am perplexed by this and yet not truly surprised I expected it, sad thing is, if people would put half the energy into being made part of the first fires as they do in trying to gain the eyes and hearts of men they would accomplish a lot. But I guess I am old and I think that a person should have priorities, and I see they do not and I am very disappointed in a couple. I had hoped they were different but they are not, I always find it interesting that people wish to be around you until they get what they want and then they only come around if certain warriors are around, did the rest of us cease to exist because of a man or in some cases even a woman.
I sat with Ayguili the other night, and we talked of a few things, I gave my thoughts on various people and surprisingly enough we seem to have the same thoughts on many. I shared my thoughts on situations and what I felt of things, I could tell by his expression he was surprised. But, I am honest in what I think and feel. Now, I did give him some advice on one particular situation, life is to short to not reach out and grasp and explore what may or may not be something that is life changing and binding, no matter what he does or does not do on a daily basis, he will not make everyone happy and in truth it is not up to him to make others happy it is up to them, everyone must step up and take responsibility for their own lives and not worry so much about what he is doing on a personal level, it is not up to anyone to approve or disapprove, he must and should follow the dictates of his heart. He does not need to deny himself of what he wants as a man just because he is an Ubar. Although there are some things to take into consideration. I hope in some way I have helped, we have discussed various things that need to be done in regards to the prospects, I will help in any way that he may need me to, but some of the things he has suggested, it will have to come from him these thoughts, because I know all to well, that very few listen to me and they will disregard it unless he speaks of it. I enjoyed the company and the thoughts that we have shared, he is a valued friend, and I hope that we enjoy more of those talks. He has stepped into himself far better than even he realizes. He is not lead around the nose by slaves and women or even by men, he is capable of seeing things for himself and making a decision and following thru with it.
He can be pretty blunt and honest, and reaches right thru the chaos that some like to create, it is refreshing to see that, and I value the honest truth. I did not speak to him on my thoughts regarding a few other things that concerned me only because I am not yet sure what I think of them yet or if they have any importance, I will see what is revealed and if it needs to be talked of then I will do so.
Then there is Sorrel the prospect, I swear I think her mind has to be warped from the cities or when she was born someone dropped her on her head, she thinks she fears nothing and no one, now at 16 most teenagers are afraid of their own shadows, and they have a way about them that you know they are clearly young and learning, and yet they have a way that reveals they are learning to assert their independence and learning of who they are. But not this one, she talks in a way that makes my head hurt, there is no logic to it and her sense of entitlement is grating on the nerves, she thinks she knows everything and can fear nothing, how much does she really think she knows of life, good skies, the way she acts you would think she is a woman of over forty turnings and not some wet behind the ears kid. She does not think, she has no depth to her and her words and actions vacillate from this demure timid girl she thinks you want her to be when she is reprimanded to a smart mouth rude child when she thinks she is so smart, she tosses words about like a rabid sleen. I am not impressed, in fact I would like to take her and beat her within an inch of her life to show her just how idiotic she is seen by many, she does not know herself, she is to busy trying to give this persona and that persona and various impressions and speak like she is wise and in fact she has only shown how immature she really is. But I have yet to say much other than a few things to remind her of some things, by her words and reactions you have to think that you did something that shattered her heart and soul when in truth I and others have yet to really begin to teach her or even torment her.
I was sitting at the fires when Ayguili joined us, and by his expression he did not look very pleased and then he had her kneel before him and asked if she went into his wagon and took his laundry, well, now this got my attention, she said she did not go in, but she sent a slave in to get his laundry. Oh good skies above I could not believe she had the audacity to send a slave into Ayguili's wagons and fetch his laundry for her to do, no free woman does an warriors laundry that is not her mate or family. Especially when it is an unmated warrior or the Ubar, she dared to disrespect him in such a fashion by going into his private wagons, now that just made her look slavish. She speaks of not wanting a mate, but her own actions revealed her need and want of the man. Yet another that only thinks with hormones, I begin to wonder if maybe she is courting the proverbial collar. She got flippant when she was called a dweller and she up and walked away from the Ubar when he was not done with her. She was not making headway with proving herself.
What happened to prospects proving themselves. Do they forget it is not about men. That being accepted is showing your worth, she forgets at any given moment any one of us can kill her. She is not part of the tribe she is seen as a dweller no matter how much she wants to deny it, her own actions and words reveal she is just that. She thinks that she can decide when I will teach her, she is in for a rude awakening, there is no way she has all that laundry down in one day or night, it would take at least two hands, does she realize how much laundry that is to do. Come on now, Fonce commands a thousand men, do the math. Brain cells not synapsing? Or just plain stupid? I will let fate decide that one.
Nope, I am not impressed. Its been a while since one was this bad. I began to wonder if she was truly Kaeli's daughter. Maybe an imposter? I could hope couldn't I.
Ayguili has placed her in my hands to teach her, she thinks it will be easy she thinks she wont know fear, think again. I never teach late at night and I don't teach on the terms of others, when I teach, you must be willing to work hard, be diligent and sincere. And you will make the effort to learn and not try to come about when you know that it is the time for a person to enter the world of slumber, and if she thinks she can just disappear and then show up at her convience she will be a prospect a very long time.
I have a feeling she will be walking a long hard path and her mouth will get her into trouble.
In the gaze of the moons I move to the spex wagon and I lift a basket of dried herbs and a bowl and I walk to sit on the platform of my wagon , I sit there just gazing up at the tre moons, if you look at them just right you can capture in your vision the outer mystical glow that circles them, there is something deeply spiritual and magical about them. I feel something when I work beneath their loving gaze, there is no blood in the moons this night that is a good sign. I toss the dried herbs into the bowl and I begin to slowly grind them to pulverize them into a powder, it is slow tedious work, but not one I mind when I cannot sleep. It will soon enough slow down my mind and bore me enough to return to slumber. I have listened as I have heard speak as if they never sleep, now this is impossible, because the mind becomes delusional and atrophies, the body will not function, the body has a self preservation built in, it will force you to sleep after a couple of days one way or another. Now I know why my sleep is interrupted, there is much within my mind and much that I keep such control over in front of others that at night it comes out to speak to me and remind me of some things, I am also aware of Cana being restless and I understand why, I do not push I know when she needs me she will come to me, just as I know right now it is Fonce she needs, I know he is able to do certain things I can not do at this time. I think this thought would surprise a few, but I do not guide the thoughts of people they make their own assumptions, often incorrectly. I am more skilled at some things than he is, and he is skilled at some things I am not, the advantage I have is age and knowledge, but that does not take away from what he has, what he knows and can do, and what he will continue to learn, because we are constantly learning and evolving as we grow, it is an eternal ongoing thing, it does not mean I think more or less of him and it does not mean that I think I am better or not better than him. There are some things that I hope in time will sort themselves out when it comes to him. But it has no bearing on how I see him as a warrior or spex. Nor will I deny my own limitations or lack of experience in some things. What they are will be learned thru time by those who truly wish to know.
I think over the past few days, there are some I have not seen, and a few I would rather not, the disappearance and appearance of some amuses me in a way because it is not coincidental. A few just make me shake my head,and few have me concerned, I have watched a few change lately and become emboldened in certain goals, I am perplexed by this and yet not truly surprised I expected it, sad thing is, if people would put half the energy into being made part of the first fires as they do in trying to gain the eyes and hearts of men they would accomplish a lot. But I guess I am old and I think that a person should have priorities, and I see they do not and I am very disappointed in a couple. I had hoped they were different but they are not, I always find it interesting that people wish to be around you until they get what they want and then they only come around if certain warriors are around, did the rest of us cease to exist because of a man or in some cases even a woman.
I sat with Ayguili the other night, and we talked of a few things, I gave my thoughts on various people and surprisingly enough we seem to have the same thoughts on many. I shared my thoughts on situations and what I felt of things, I could tell by his expression he was surprised. But, I am honest in what I think and feel. Now, I did give him some advice on one particular situation, life is to short to not reach out and grasp and explore what may or may not be something that is life changing and binding, no matter what he does or does not do on a daily basis, he will not make everyone happy and in truth it is not up to him to make others happy it is up to them, everyone must step up and take responsibility for their own lives and not worry so much about what he is doing on a personal level, it is not up to anyone to approve or disapprove, he must and should follow the dictates of his heart. He does not need to deny himself of what he wants as a man just because he is an Ubar. Although there are some things to take into consideration. I hope in some way I have helped, we have discussed various things that need to be done in regards to the prospects, I will help in any way that he may need me to, but some of the things he has suggested, it will have to come from him these thoughts, because I know all to well, that very few listen to me and they will disregard it unless he speaks of it. I enjoyed the company and the thoughts that we have shared, he is a valued friend, and I hope that we enjoy more of those talks. He has stepped into himself far better than even he realizes. He is not lead around the nose by slaves and women or even by men, he is capable of seeing things for himself and making a decision and following thru with it.
He can be pretty blunt and honest, and reaches right thru the chaos that some like to create, it is refreshing to see that, and I value the honest truth. I did not speak to him on my thoughts regarding a few other things that concerned me only because I am not yet sure what I think of them yet or if they have any importance, I will see what is revealed and if it needs to be talked of then I will do so.
Then there is Sorrel the prospect, I swear I think her mind has to be warped from the cities or when she was born someone dropped her on her head, she thinks she fears nothing and no one, now at 16 most teenagers are afraid of their own shadows, and they have a way about them that you know they are clearly young and learning, and yet they have a way that reveals they are learning to assert their independence and learning of who they are. But not this one, she talks in a way that makes my head hurt, there is no logic to it and her sense of entitlement is grating on the nerves, she thinks she knows everything and can fear nothing, how much does she really think she knows of life, good skies, the way she acts you would think she is a woman of over forty turnings and not some wet behind the ears kid. She does not think, she has no depth to her and her words and actions vacillate from this demure timid girl she thinks you want her to be when she is reprimanded to a smart mouth rude child when she thinks she is so smart, she tosses words about like a rabid sleen. I am not impressed, in fact I would like to take her and beat her within an inch of her life to show her just how idiotic she is seen by many, she does not know herself, she is to busy trying to give this persona and that persona and various impressions and speak like she is wise and in fact she has only shown how immature she really is. But I have yet to say much other than a few things to remind her of some things, by her words and reactions you have to think that you did something that shattered her heart and soul when in truth I and others have yet to really begin to teach her or even torment her.
I was sitting at the fires when Ayguili joined us, and by his expression he did not look very pleased and then he had her kneel before him and asked if she went into his wagon and took his laundry, well, now this got my attention, she said she did not go in, but she sent a slave in to get his laundry. Oh good skies above I could not believe she had the audacity to send a slave into Ayguili's wagons and fetch his laundry for her to do, no free woman does an warriors laundry that is not her mate or family. Especially when it is an unmated warrior or the Ubar, she dared to disrespect him in such a fashion by going into his private wagons, now that just made her look slavish. She speaks of not wanting a mate, but her own actions revealed her need and want of the man. Yet another that only thinks with hormones, I begin to wonder if maybe she is courting the proverbial collar. She got flippant when she was called a dweller and she up and walked away from the Ubar when he was not done with her. She was not making headway with proving herself.
What happened to prospects proving themselves. Do they forget it is not about men. That being accepted is showing your worth, she forgets at any given moment any one of us can kill her. She is not part of the tribe she is seen as a dweller no matter how much she wants to deny it, her own actions and words reveal she is just that. She thinks that she can decide when I will teach her, she is in for a rude awakening, there is no way she has all that laundry down in one day or night, it would take at least two hands, does she realize how much laundry that is to do. Come on now, Fonce commands a thousand men, do the math. Brain cells not synapsing? Or just plain stupid? I will let fate decide that one.
Nope, I am not impressed. Its been a while since one was this bad. I began to wonder if she was truly Kaeli's daughter. Maybe an imposter? I could hope couldn't I.
Ayguili has placed her in my hands to teach her, she thinks it will be easy she thinks she wont know fear, think again. I never teach late at night and I don't teach on the terms of others, when I teach, you must be willing to work hard, be diligent and sincere. And you will make the effort to learn and not try to come about when you know that it is the time for a person to enter the world of slumber, and if she thinks she can just disappear and then show up at her convience she will be a prospect a very long time.
I have a feeling she will be walking a long hard path and her mouth will get her into trouble.
