There hangs in the air a freshness of fragrance that speaks of the awakening dawn that is yet to come but the hint of promise of what may be revealed, there is a warmth that envelopes and surrounds me in the winds as if someone is standing behind me to wrap their arms about me, for a moment I could lose myself in that feeling. I push back the desire to do such as I draw in a slow breath and release it while I listen to the song of the plains play in a perfect symphonic melody that draws me and calls me.
It is out here sitting in the grasses with my eyes closed that I reground myself, and just breathe in all that is around me, I can easily slip in to a deep meditative state with little thought or effort, this morning I was not seeking a deep state of being, I was merely seeking to feel the plains around me, maybe I was seeking comfort or strength, maybe both, or I could just want to hear what it was that was needed to hear. Sometimes I can get a lot of information for the plains she can be very loud and concise in her demands and other times like this morning, it is a gentle nudge and whisper that floats about my senses, almost as if she were trying to heal me. Strengthen me and energize me.
I have been up for many ahns, sleep is not a companion to me, it is often interrupted, broken and chaotic, much like me, it is the quiet of the night that hones in that sense of loneliness that has become like a familiar cloak, it is harder to wear it than I would like, I remember in my twenties it was easy, when Teran nearly broke me it was easy to walk away from everything and be alone, I had no trouble with it, in fact I enjoyed it. Maybe it was a time of healing that made it so easy to just want the isolation. Or maybe because at that time it was easy to not care, I have tried not to care about anything or anyone, it is not a path easily retraced at this stage in my life. There are times I wish that it was. Maybe my own feelings would not get hurt if I did not care and maybe I would not be so disappointed in people, I will have to work on this hardening of my heart once more. Everything was so much easier then.
Now it is such a struggle to get thru the day, though I doubt any one really realizes it, a few pick up on the fact that I hide much of what I feel or think. But it is only a glimpse of how much is truly deep within me, a well of untapped emotion and thought, a reservoir of feeling and dreams that are forever corked and subdued, I can easily paste on a smile and laugh, I can go thru the various emotions, but they mask what I really feel. I am quite adept and skilled at this illusion, so much so, that no one realizes how hard it has been since the death of Garyx, no one sees the vulnerable side, no one sees the tears that fall every night when I try to sleep, and when I do sleep it is for only short periods of time, and the dreams and visions that float around me and within me, say so much and reveal so much, and yet they reveal nothing. It dawned on me a few ahns ago, that no one asked if I was doing alright after his death, other than Cana, there was no one there to talk to about it. I watch the fuss over others for the same or even less and I have to wonder is it because no one cares enough to do the same or is it assumed that I am fine and alright. I am strong and all is good, strange in a way. There would be no need for help with raising young warriors or even getting thru the daily grind of life. Cana was one of the few that knew that I am not as I always appear, I knew this when she sent the men to help me on the trail. I am thankful to her for in more ways than she will ever know.
I think today is one of those days that I am just in a dark slump and I feel lost,and delve into the realm of self pity, I do that once in a while.
The air has begun to clear of the heavy emotions of many, though I do not think it will be forgotten and some relationships are forever changed, trust has been broken and much more was revealed than anyone realizes.
I had gone out to help Seveya and Yamka with a bosk that was having trouble birthing,this happens more often than anyone realizes just like with women having a baby the risk for danger is there, many take it for granted about women giving birth, forgetting women can die. I think to my own mother who died giving birth to me, I can only imagine what my father must have felt at that time, because I have heard from the elders how much he loved her, I am glad that he has Chay now in his life, she has calmed that womanizing streak he had for a long time. I know that after she nearly died from the birth of their daughter, they have decided no more for a long time. I do not see the two of them often as they have been very busy on hunts, tracking and with various things in the tribe. I think he has come to enjoy this second chance he has been given with young children, and he is taking full advantage of it, he sure is not as hard on them as he was me and the others. Even Larl has commented on it.
Asria joined us and I had the women keep the bosk calm, while in truth there was little they could do, I felt each needed to feel that they were contributing and doing something important and they were, but in ways they have not yet learned of themselves. The bosk was born without any complications, and it was found to have the Ubars brand, a fortuitous sign I thought, but then I am a Spex signs are often obvious and some are not, to me it revealed that the way may be difficult but the rewards of life that are given and how it flourishes is worth all the labor put forth by all. That even the birth of the bosk was because we worked together and this to would apply to each other and the tribe. The Ubar works hard and labors harder than any really know, but his reward will be the tribe giving life, having life and being life. We are strong.. we survive.. He is a strong leader.. have faith and trust not only in him but also in each other.
This was my take on it. I am not sure if they understood what I was telling them, but maybe one day they would. I would take my leave of them and head towards my wagons. There was often much to keep me busy there, and I could often hide there and no one even realizes I am within them.
I needed to be alone for a short while. I needed to find a way to repress the emotions that were threatening to spill forth, I needed to find my peace and calm that I have had. It really does suck when life reminds you of many things... and not always in a warm fuzzy way. Today is one of my bad days.
