The strains continue

The white curtain that blinded us during the journey had become heavier and thicker, the winds would turn into small blades of ice that would rip right thru you, removing any warmth and comfort you had. The howls of the winds would shriek and grip you until you were immobile, this teamed with the influx of snow had not only lay bare some of the bosk in a lifeless heap but it struck down, men, women and children. It caused snow blindness, disorientation and so many other casualties that the people began to feel as if none would survive. But we could not give up.

The ancient one, he did not make it. The Haruspex feel the pain of his loss, but we do not dwell on it not because we do not care but because we cannot, there is too much to do. Many of the old ones are being treated by the healers for frostbite. We do what we can, we falter in this weather. Because it is far stronger than we are, nature has a way of smacking you along side the head to look at life and things around you, to make you realize what is important and what is not.

We all have pulled together to help each other take the steps needed to continue on. We all offer a helping hand with the repair on wagons and the repair of injuries. During this time Cana had become injured as well, I watched as Kaeli worked on her, I sat beside her for a while letting my own energy flow thru her to guide her to a place of comfort. I gave to her what was needed to help her. When she was out of danger and Ba'atar was with her. I went to leave, Now he said something that I am not sure was directed at me. at least I hope it was not as I did not answer it figuring it was for one of the healers. and secondly I know that he wouldn't speak to me in that fashion as if I were some thing he could just use that tone with. I think I will take it as his concern for Cana that gave the edge and that the question was directed to those better able to help her now.

I returned to my wagon. And well I think I just got myself in trouble again, just a bit not a lot. But Garyx when he learned of what I did, he absolutely forbid me to leave the wagon for any reason for a few days. He was upset not because of what I did but because it was so close together for what I did for Ba'atar and he knew that I had used more energy than I should and to close together, I knew he was not punishing me but he was forcing me to rest. And I knew by just that simple spoken command that there was no room for argument, even I know when to not go against him. And I did not want to worry or distract him from things he had to do, if he had to worry that I would disobey then he would be injured. So I gave my word I would not leave the wagon for the specified number of days for any reason. He made sure that lily and father knew as well. So they would not worry.

I wanted to leave as I listened to the winds and the weather, I wanted to go out and help but I stayed put. I heard of the larl's and the injuries, I felt their presence and the battle that raged with them. But I knew to stay put. So I remained in my wagon, although it nearly killed me.. I wanted to be out there. And it was driving me insane to not be out and about.

But, I stayed put. And I knew when he returned to the wagon that night that he was aware of it, after he felt I had sufficiently rested he would let me know that I could be out and about, he thinks I missed that sort of smug smile that I did what he said.. Now who would believe that.

Of crimes and punishment

It would take a few days before Garyx and I would sit down and really talk of things, I think in some ways he did it on purpose. He knows me all to well and knows that I hate the silence of things. There was a time before him that I did not mind the silence. In fact I practiced it often, if I was upset of something I rarely said anything of it to anyone, let alone the person that ticked me off. In fact, I would let it sit inside me and fester and grow into a purulent cocoon that would systemically flow thru my system, slowly devouring any good thought. But again, that was before Garyx.

At one time, I had such an iron control over all emotion and thought that you never really knew what I felt or thought. I on purpose kept people at a distance, each person had a level of closeness they were allowed. To some that made me appear unapproachable, aloof and uncaring. When in fact that was the farthest thing from the truth. I kept people at a distance to protect myself. Everyone experiences pain, loss, sorrow and are forced to walk thru trials of fire in order to grow and become who they are supposed to be. Some never really experience these things, they may lose a loved one like a father and mother and feel as if they are broken and shattered. Some may be injured in some fashion and feel as if they were the only one to have pain, and another may be betrayed and feel that they have suffered the greatest injustice there has ever been rendered. And for them, these things are true,valid and sincere. For the skies only give what you can handle. Even when we think they have pushed us beyond our endurance they challenge to find more of ourselves.

There were times in my life when I really wished to die, when I felt I could not get up again to go on. If I close my eyes I can still see myself lying in the middle of the viscous murky puddle of darkness. I can see my bones bleached to whiteness stripped of flesh, a hollowness drilled within the center of my being. It is a familiar place that holds all the sorrows and the pains of life, the betrayals and deaths. Everything that can destroy a person physically,mentally and emotionally are there. I have been in that place many times, for most of my teen age life and most of my adult life I have lived there. Alone, with no one to offer that hand to life me up or guide me. There were times when I crawled upward from the tenacious grip of those depths, striving to break the hold it had on me, with each struggle a part of me broken,shattered, my blood would flow profusely leaving me near the edge of death, and yet, somehow I never gave up, though I was a heap of shredded flesh and bone, I managed to get back up, refusing to dwell in the self pity and weakness that I could have. I would take the steps no matter how humiliating or hard it was to walk onward. How could I just give up and whine of all the wrongs done, how could I dwell in self pity wearing it like a badge of honor. I could not, and did not. I am not only my fathers daughter, but I am also a Tuchuk woman. And we are far from weak. We do not know what it means to give up on anything or anyone.

There are times I wish I could get back to that place for I had control of my emotions, I could hide myself there. But, for the most part I am glad I cannot, the reason I cannot, is Garyx. For one I know he would not allow it, but the main reason is because of all that we have shared together and endured together has stripped away some of those layers. There is still much to remove but we do not rush, for time has no meaning. He has proven many times over that I can trust him beyond all measure, I can put my life in his hands and he will cherish and protect it. And he has, had it not been for him the kassar on the last journey would have killed me, I saw that part of him that was like a raging kur as he fought them, that loss of control that allowed only the focus of death. I have seen the gentleness of him and the look upon his face as he helped deliver his first child, a son. I saw his expression when he held him.. I also see everyday his heart and the depth of the love we share. And yet he has the strength to do what is needed when I do something I should not. It is a choice I know I make when I go against something , but usually I make it with a lot of thought and weigh if the outcome, and consequence is worth it, this time I did not. I merely reacted. I know why. But I wont use that as an excuse or crutch for my actions. Because I of all people know better.

These are things he knows, and he uses things that he knows will affect me. To someone else it may not seem as if it is anything much, but he knows exactly what he is doing. There are times he does not have to say a word and I know just by the look or the body language. Then there are times it is just how he says just one word, usually my name. And I know, he has learned over the turnings how to handle me, he knows what will get to me. He knows exactly what will reach in and rip out my very soul. Just as he knows how to calm me and comfort me. And this night was no different, he was not his usual self even in the privacy of our wagon. I felt all that weighed upon him and swirled within him. I did not blame him. We spoke of many things. Our thoughts and feelings, he did what was needed and I had done what was needed and expected as well, when all was said and down I found myself in the warm embrace of his arms. Where I belonged, I knew all would work out and I knew all would be as it should. More importantly, I knew that this was yet but another strand of understanding and depth added to us.

It will be a long time before I tempt fate like that again.

Taking Responsibility

To say that the night was exhausting mentally, emotionally and physically would be an understatement. And as much as I wanted to wallow in self pity and embarrassment I didn't, I forced myself up and prepared the morning meal for Garyx as he prepared to go out on a hunt and see what all he needed to do. I know that he was not happy that he did not have his command he was used to doing a few things a certain way. It was that burden of guilt that this was my fault that weighed heavily on my heart, and he gave me a look that clearly said not to take the whole thing on myself. Yea, okay as if that will make it so.

I suppose for as much wisdom and knowledge as I have gained over the turnings, and the mellowing of some of those reckless and rash days that I had when younger have passed , it is also the knowing that all of us falter in some things from time to time, and it is how we handle them that means the most, not what we did or not do . It would be easy to shift the blame elsewhere and not take responsibility as I have watched some do. It would be easy to fall into a lump of quivering flesh and cry and beg as I have also seen many do, using tears and womanly ways to try and escape the wrath of a warrior. But that simply wasn't me, I knew right and wrong, I always held a rigid standard for myself when it came to honor and trust. Fact is, the way I did what I did was what was wrong not what I thought or felt. I will not deny this nor will I take it away from the warriors as being meaningless or nothing. I knew what was coming and I knew my mate would take care of it today just as I knew what was expected of me, we would get thru this and we would move on from this, we both knew this. It was a part of life and we would not dwell on it longer than was needed.

I rode along the wagons most of the day never once venturing from mine, I kept to myself most of the day mostly because I knew that I was tired and still not yet myself, I knew to encapsulate myself for a while. Once I felt more like myself I then sought out Sef. I asked to speak with him, and as I did I noticed Jai and Ba'atar sparring and I wanted to say something but I did not, that damn man was he undoing everything I did, did what I do have so little meaning that he would just destroy it, If he did it would be his own ass to suffer because I couldn't help again so soon. But again, I was keeping my thoughts to myself. And such would remain in effect to a certain point. Once more I would keep myself behind those walls that kept me from getting into trouble.

I spoke with Sef for a while I gave my apologies to him I did not offer excuses and told him as much, he accepted it and he knew that trust would not be easily given to him, he acknowledged how he has been in the past , aware that many of us have seen it, I asked a few questions and he gave the answers including to why he always left. I understood his answer. The skies have given him another chance, and it will be up to him what he does with it. I did not ride back to the main fires with him as I did have things to finish and I also knew that I had my mate awaiting me, and it is never wise to make a warrior wait when he is already not pleased with you. My father did not raise a fool.

Falling into yet another pool of trouble

I had joined the others at the fire, taking my place by Garyx, I was listening to the discussion about the fires and I found myself with an influx of thought. I was watching Sef and surprised to see that he was suddenly embraced by everyone as if he were this warrior that has done great things for the people, after one battle, when others have repeatedly given their blood, sweat and tears on a daily basis for this tribe, both man and woman alike,I felt a surge of irritation and fury rush thru me in a way I cannot and still wont put into words because I cannot, I found myself following that pull to open my mouth and ask questions, which were logical contrary to what others think,I do not sit and agree with things simply because someone says to regardless of who they are and everyone knows this of me, however, I never ever speak openly at the main fires my thoughts. Until now.

I found questions and thoughts flowing from my mouth before I could stop them, one battle makes the man loyal. Have they forgotten how he comes and goes like a revolving door over the plains, never once have I seen him be loyal to the warriors of this tribe or even make an effort to be a part of this tribe, yes, that anger began to seep out in my words and tone I could feel it and there was that part of my brain saying, shut up Tarra you know better, but there was that other part of me that said hell no, I am speaking my mind as is my right. Guess which side won out.. yep, the side that I knew was going to get me in so much trouble that it would not be funny , well, if I am going to get into trouble, I sure make it good.

I could hear Ba'atar and it was assimilating in my mind just about the time Garyx said my name, that tone I knew and felt, it was like cold water thrown across me and at that time I said nothing more. Skies above I knew just by that one word I was in for it and I would not deny it or make excuses, I knew just what occurred, though inside I was absolutely horrified, of what I just did, but I would not reveal such to anyone, oh no there was that rigid pride that would not allow me to back down or cower pathetically before anyone, I would not ask for pity or make excuses. What was done was done I would take the punishment that he would give and we both knew it. It took all my control to not snap at Ba'atar as he kept needling me, I went to leave but damn it if Garyx did not give that show of authority and keep me in place now he was starting to irritate me with that but I remained silent. After a while he finally let me go, and Ba'atar just doesn't know when to stop either sometimes, and I told him not to hold his damn breath, oh yea, that was the bitch in me coming out, a glimpse of the darker side of me was emerging and I was struggling to contain it as I left.

I went to our wagons and waited, as I sat there I could feel so much rush thru me and I had no way to release it, I knew it had to pass on its own, all these thoughts and emotions were like a hurricane within me wanting to just burst out, but I had to grasp them and control them before I did or said something that would make things worse, at the same time I knew that the effects of what I did earlier were woven thru everything as well but I would never use that as a crutch. As I tried to calm myself and prepare for the night the sudden rush of pain was expanding thru my body with such a ferocious intensity that I could not contain the scream of pain that convulsed thru me, I barely noticed that Chulunn and Odval were beside me until I felt the warmth of their hands, now they did for me what I usually do for them, it would take some time before the brunt of it would pass and I could tolerate the rest, when they were satisfied they left and returned to the clan to tell them of how it was progressing, during this time I found id difficult to breathe, it was if I were suffocating and for a while the events at the fire were the farthest thing from my mind, and so it began the gift that I gave to Ba'atar would now embrace me for many ahns.

When Garyx returned he was more furious than I have ever seen him, I do not know why Ba'atar stripped him of all of his command to me that is a bit extreme but I said nothing, nope my thoughts were not going to be revealed even if it killed me. I knew what Garyx said in his words and I know that others do not always understand what he is saying, I knew by what the said that he was saying he would punish me in his own way not in the way that Ba'atar wanted while I had a certain valid logic, he was correct it was how and when I did it that was wrong. I also know that others were whispering things that they should have stayed out of , never fails others have to add fuel to the fire, and I know exactly who whispered what. I knew that Garyx was not saying he would not follow orders of the Ubar and that the whispered words of treason were ridiculous, surely people are not that blind, Garyx has proven himself more than once, he has endangered himself more than once to protect the people, he was saying that his punishment to me was in his hands and would be done in his way, along with afew other things that I understood, I wonder if anyone really got what he said.

I would not cower from what Garyx needed to do, this was the second time since we have been together that he has been truly angry at me but this time so much more. He had the presence of mind to also know something else was going on and he asked what I did, while I could not reveal to him specifics which he understood because he knew there were many things I could not share, not that I liked secrets and I never kept things from him unless it was clan related and he understood and respected this he accepted it as such and never tried to force me to go against my clan. That was one of the things I loved about him he accepted all parts of me good bad and otherwise.

He did ensure that I knew that the punishment would be rendered when I felt better and that I would not be forgetting it, I understood this and I did not plead for mercy or less than what was right, I also knew as a man he would do what was needed no matter how deeply he loved me , he would make sure the lesson was learned.

Just because I understood did not mean I had to like it, but then isn't that the point of punishment.

He would sit awake with me for the ahns that would pass trying to alleviate what I was going thru but he could not, but it helped that he was there to hold me and give me the strength I needed, he was worried I could tell, but I assured him it would pass, I do not think he was so sure, in fact I saw him lose his color a few times when he thought me unaware, I think he thought he was going to lose me, I did not tell him that in truth a few times I came close to such happening, this is why we rarely did this, because of this danger. I also knew the clan was doing their part to help I could hear the sound of a few drummers that we utilized for various things, the rhythm and beat was unusual and most knew that it was for something specific even if they did not understand it. If we endured this then it was because it was for someone we held in high regard and respect and cared deeply about. In addition to that I could not bear to see Cana's pain, for them both I allowed this.

Garyx was the only other person I have done this for.

It starts out good . . .

When all had settled, and we began our journey once more, it was no surprise our warriors thought they should and could be up the next day doing what they usually do. Now, you know I have to wonder if they are so wise in other things why are they so damn stupid when it comes to this. They fight you tooth and nail when it comes to making them rest to heal. The healers at this time of things are already frustrated with them and want to knock them all out and who can blame them, because they think they know better. Men sometimes are a few stone shy of a full load.

And I think Ba'atar is probably the more stubborn of them all, next to a few other ones that will remain nameless the kailla asses. I spoke with Cana and Kaeli on how they were doing, what concerned me was how they described Ba 'atars breathing especially at night and how his hand in his sleep goes to his chest, but there was no whistling and no gurgling of blood to which was a great relief to all, I asked her if she minded if I tried to help. I might know much of healing but I never step on clan toes, I respect them to much to do so. If asked I will always offer my aide or suggestions this they all know. Kaeli and Cana both gave me the okay to help.

I prepared for what I was going to do in my mind, it was something I rarely offered to do for anyone, because of the danger to myself and of what it cost me to do it. The skies give the sign as to when such is allowed and it is not known outside of the clan that this occasionally can be done, and it is never done without the clan elders discussing it. Only one other have we done this for in the tribe. I asked Ba'atar when he joined us if he would let me look at the chest wound. He agreed only if I wouldn't do any poking or prodding, this I found funny, I knew then that Kaeli had been looking for bone fragments and that did not feel good to the recipient.

I took him to my wagons and asked him to sit, then I tried to have him relax as best he could and close his eyes, you know men always seem to like to resist some things and have their mind set on what they want to think or say, sometimes they have to relinquish that and just accept certain things. Warriors always have to be so difficult. Eventually he did relax, I examined the thoracic area of his chest both anterior and posterior listening carefully to each breath and how his heart beat, I allowed the skies to guide my hands and thoughts. I knew that he could feel what I was doing and I warned him so that he would not be taken by surprise, I explained to him this is why I rarely let anyone touch me without me knowing before hand, I was one of the empaths of the clan, it was one of my specialties so to speak, it allowed me to take from him the symptoms he had and would allow for a quicker healing, but only if he did as I asked. Of course he argued, I compromised that some things he could do but he was not to be fighting or lifting heavy things he would undo all that I just did. He agreed to the willow bark and antibiotics, for his hand.

After that we returned to the main fires, I was going to retire and I should have because I knew that I would have little control over my thoughts and emotions, I could already feel some of the arrogant aggressive traits coming to surface, but I figured it would pass and Garyx was at the fires I wanted to spend time with him and others, even if I was tired.

Second mistake of the week. I should have listened to that voice that said, Tarra go to your furs and sleep.

But, did I? No.

The day of Battle

The day of battle came rather quickly,many a woman would be helping her warrior prepare for event, and the air held expectations, excitement and so many other emotions. Sometimes it is a double edged sword for women, we are proud of our men for their courage and honor. But yet at the same time there is that fear that settles in the pit of your stomach of them not returning, because no matter how confident we are we are also realist, we know that some men will die on the battle field and some will survive their injuries only to die upon their return. It is a familiar sight for some of us and I know for others this is their first time going thru it.

Garyx is no exception I know that he is just as excited about this, the rush of adrenaline that will touch him he looks forward to the way his heart and blood rush with the thought of victory over the Turians, the gleam in his eyes that all warriors get as they prepare. I do not let on that I also worry if he will return or not , there are no tears and no words that would bring anything negative to him, only the positive that he will return and they will be victorious over the Turians, he knows that this is not the spex talking because all know I will not give an outcome of any battle or who will live or die, because to reveal this would only cause them to try and change what is already written in the skies. I can only give my blessing and encouragement. Though that did not mean I would not hold him tighter to me than I usually would when he left , inhaling his scent and listening to his heartbeat that beat so close to mine almost as if one. No weakness would be shown not even from a Tuchuk woman. I would only smile and speak of my love for him and of course to tell him to beat the hell out of those Turians and show them why they should still fear the mighty Tuchuk warriors. That of course brought that rare smile to his lips. For each of us if things were to go bad that is what would be etched upon our hearts and minds. That last glimpse of each other.

All to soon he was off with the others, in place was the commander who spoke with an authority that only came from age and experience. Father did not take part in this battle, he had already shown the Turians they could be defeated, he said it was time for the young ones to do this one he would protect the wagons with others. I understood his words. He wanted the young warriors to do this without being compared to him, but I am sure the next time he will ride with him, I could see that he really wanted to be in that fray.

I stood with him out on the plains listening to the sounds of the night from where we were you could hear the war cry of the tuchuks echo in the air, the ferocity of it made me smile, yes, the ground would have its thirst quenched tonight. The grasses would embrace rivulets of blood to shimmer in a cloak of crimson. The ground seemed to vibrate with the battle, the sound of blades singing in the air drifted all around the plains, arrows hissed in the air, all the sounds of battle played like a symphony. Father asked me a question as we listened, I spoke the answer to him softly and I saw that smile of pride rush across his scarred face. I could see that he was pleased and proud of our young Ubar and the commanders and warriors that fought out there. "The injured are being brought back" I stated to him, it was then we each moved closer to the wagons to help where we were needed, he would direct who would be taken where a she knew that Cana and Kaeli would be awaiting news, they along with Falon and Silk would be waiting to tend the injured, times like this all the people banded together to help where needed as all Tuchuk were taught from a young age simple first aid in order to help with the wounded after battle. we as a people knew what it took to survive, just as we the people knew we could not survive without each other.

The night would be long as we all worked to take care of everyone, I did not make it to the main fire where we had camped but I had been kept updated by some of the slaves how each of the men were doing, and how Cana and Kaeli were doing given their men were injured severely. I took note of many things and I spoke to Odval softly as I headed to my wagon late into the night, there was something I wished to do for them but it would take time and thought, she nodded and would speak to the others. I would pause to check on Batukahn , so far he was unchanged but it was only a matter of time.

I checked on Garyx wounds and saw the fine job that was done on his care, he teased that they were taking wagers on if I would remove them and redo them. He had enough of my signature marks on him and not everyone had those, father had one. Fonce had one and Garyx had three.

All was good in the world, the Tuchuks were victorious.

Unexpected Gifts

After that fiasco, I stayed at my wagons most of the day. Garyx never has to really say things specifically for me to understand. For the most part I rode in the wagon trying to keep out of trouble. But after a while I needed to move about, so I took Mist Runner and rode along the trail. I saw Chay near their wagons, now that I found odd, she is always off tracking. She would just cut me a look, well, I am guessing Cana and I aren't the only ones in trouble, seems someone else to and her refusal to elaborate, told me much and I had to laugh, I have the feeling she got even with father for those ribbons and it got her into a bit of hot water. I couldn't help but chuckle and the look she gave me would have cut a person to shreds but I found it amusing,I was not worried of her and she knew it. She was in a strangely mellow mood now that.. That did scare me.. twice in a matter of a hand. Chay calm and nice. Something definitely wrong with this picture.


I decided to return to my wagons, I was surprised to find a dark beautiful kaiila tied to my personal spex wagon, he was as dark as Mist was light, when I drew closer I could see the blue hues that short thru the deep ebony, it almost seemed to magically shimmer when the lar torvis hit it right. He was magnificent. But why was he here, this I was not sure, Mist snorted in one of those irritated grumbles that you know he is not happy about, "Oh do behave yourself." I muttered to him as I rode along side the young colt. There was an air about him that was much like Mists and I had to laugh, "two of you?" Well now this was something I found most intriguing. I would wait to see what name he would give me. I knew that this was a gift from Teng and I took his lead and guided him from the wagon, "Come Mist you need to show him a few things." I do think for the first time I had one up on Mist Runner.

That same evening I went to check on Cana, I was worried, Ba 'atar still had not let her out of the wagon,I saw with her and talked for a while when Aponi joined us, she seemed in better spirits and was not at all angry at us. We sat together for a while. She gave us each gifts, they are beautifully made, and it is not so much what they are but that they came from the heart. After some time I did have to return and ensure I had things prepared for Garyx. I wasn't going to push my luck.

Besides they were preparing for battle upon Turia and I wanted to spend the evening with my mate, just in case. We have talked of perhaps having another child.. maybe the skies would give him a daughter this time, I found that most amusing, because of how men get when it comes to their daughters. Kind of funny to watch them get upset over things other warriors do when they themselves do that to. But is different because its their daughter. Only time will tell if such occurs. For now there is only the night before a battle that we all knew would take the lives of some of our men.

A day of trouble

As I ride Mist Runner along the trail, I notice small things around me the way the grass shimmers in the early morning and how it bows beneath the feet of warriors in gentle supplication, only the faint crackling as if glass breaking can be heard if you really listen, the crispness of the air, almost as if it is encapsulating us in a cold embrace, is it of protection or is it a reminder of what is to yet come. The ripples around me reveal many things, sometimes it is unclear what it is but often it is a glimpse of something someone needs to know.

Today was one of those mornings that I had to smile and I could tell by the reaction of others they were curious but knew not to ask for I would not reveal. Some things are never to be spoken of outside the clan and I wont desecrate the sacredness of our life. Instead I turn and quickly ride along the row of wagons, searching for a particular family, Mist sensed the urgency and he did not hold back in his speed heading to where I needed to be. Dismounting quickly, I sought out the woman of the warrior who was in charge of this family, he was out helping with the bosk, I asked where her son was, and he was not where he should be, I asked her to prepare some warm furs and something warm to drink.

With that I headed towards the herds it was then that I saw the young one on his kaiila heading towards the herd of bosk, insane child I muttered to myself as my gaze scanned over the horizon, I spoke quietly beneath my breath, and it did not take long for a few more of the clan to arrive and I would pull back just enough to not rush in and cause a stampede or concern, a few of the warriors looked to us and made to say and do something, and as if one each of us would give them the sign to do nothing, the young boy was to close and each would have to be careful. Simple hand movements were used as we each dismounted, I would await as Odval would move along the ground towards the warriors that were protecting the herd, she spoke low to them and a dawning of understanding took place upon their features, they knew what to do and with a nod they were given the sign to do as they needed, we would do what we could to aide them and hopefully bring the child out unharmed. Chuluun would then do what he does best and I would watch from where I was, this was something they would do, in this I was to only bring the warning.

It seemed like ahns had passed when in truth only a few ehn had passed, each of them worked together to bring the child to safety, and the bosk remained in their usual fluctuating state of being. Chuluun brought the boy to me and I removed my fur lined jacket and wrapped it about him and walked to Mist Runner, "Chulunn make sure the warriors are acknowledged for their hard work in keeping the bosk safe and this wayward child. " He nodded he would take care of it.. I said nothing to the boy though he knew what awaited him as I rode back to the wagons and handed him over to his mother, "Take care of it." I stated softly then I returned to ride along my own wagons, but not before checking on those I cared about, things like this always drew my attention more acutely back to them. Each of us knew that we could draw our last breath at any given moment. Would those we love know we did . If today were the last day.

The rest of the day was uneventful though word was brought to me that it was determined that I would pierce Aponi's nose. Now whose idea was this I had to wonder knowing they did this because they wanted to scare the young woman. Well, that warped sense of humor I have went along with it, and we made a show later in the evening to pick really, really big needles and tell her how big it would be and how it would hurt, it was all in the nature in the fun of women as we prepare yet another one to step on the path to woman hood. All tuchuk women at a certain age must have this. It is a tradition of women among the tuchuk.

Much to our shock it was suddenly halted, by a man no less.. And none other than the Ubar himself. He was having a fit, and I still do not quite know why he was interfering in the business of women. This was the first I have seen this. I felt myself bristle as he exerted control in an area that really he had no place to, he asked whose idea it was. Cana took responsibility, well now I was not about to let her do that alone so I shared in the responsibility. Be damned if I was going to let her suffer the brunt of that. Well, needless to say we are both in the sleen wagon and he made sure he humiliated us completely before everyone, I felt every fiber of my being rise to the surface of wanting to explode but I did not I spoke my mind on it and answered his questions. Sometimes you know when just to not argue the point and accept what is being said. He was not going to budge. However, when he took out the collar, I moved between him and Aponi, now there was no way I was going to let her be collared for what I did. I felt that low growl begin deep within my chest, the white larl was in full stance of protection, the mother in me was not going to stand by and watch this. If necessary I would protect her at any cost. For in this instance she had done nothing wrong. And innocence is something to be protected. Fortunately, he did not have that in mind. It was for someone else.

I took my place beside Garyx and apologized to Aponi and Tengfei. Garyx and I then some time later went to talk, you know what is it with men, do they stand together on everything. He agreed with what Ba'atar said and he explained why, though he did not agree with how he humiliated Cana and I, but he would not interfere, for the reason was sound. I did not like it.. but he was making sense, and Garyx often has his way of allowing me to see things in a different way. So granted I am not out of the sleen wagon, but I do understand and I see where Ba 'atar could be coming from, and in that light. It made sense.

I hate when men make sense.

Idle thoughts

So far the trail has not had any thing catastrophic happen, the usual repairs, and fatigue that assails everyone as each struggle to help the other, it is no wonder at night when we finally stop that it is with such a heart felt gratitude to the skies that we get to have a bit of respite, sometimes I still can feel my bones jostle I swear I sound like some sort of game piece at times.

I have enjoyed moments of laughter with others as we rode. Though I do not often linger long because I often check on the ancient one, I am more worried than I will reveal. There have been many things that have occurred during this trail, and I tuck each thing into my mind. Sometimes thinking upon it and turning it over, chewing on it until I digest it. And other times I just dismiss it. I choose to speak of what I feel is right. I have always chosen when I will stand and speak of things and when I wont, when I feel I am right or justified I don't back down no matter who it is and no matter how much trouble it gets me in. When it is something I feel strongly about I wont budge, fortunately it is rare I have to take such a stand.

I have been watching the prospects, Kaeli who has worked hard and reveal the yearning to learn, she is open and warm, easy to cause to laugh and easy to cause to blush. She wants to be better. I was pleased to hear she made tribe, I sent her a single herlit feather with pale blue beads. I am not sure if it was enough but I found something beautiful and important in the simplicity of it. It only appears fragile but yet it can glide along the winds with and ease and grace that reveal an inner strength. Aponi, I push her hard, I want her to step outside of the shadows of the city that have suffocated her. To breathe and find herself, she is slower to learn but she is taking steps to do so. I have on purpose done a few things because no Tuchuk woman is going to sit back some mindless wonder and not speak her mind, Tuchuk woman are allowed to do such without repercussions even in the cities they can do that, this is what I find so strange at times, though I do keep forgetting in the cities the woman don't really speak their minds. It is as if the men have to guide their actions and thoughts, if I had to be that way I wouldn't talk either. I have given her various tasks.. To tell me of the grass, and not just its color but how it feels, smells and what it means to the Tuchuk. After that I gave her the task of doing the same of the bosk.. And finally I have given her the task of doing the exact same thing with water. I have learned that she is even easier to make blush than Kaeli is. And I have noticed the eyes she has for Jai's son. I know she was hurt by Ayguili. you know I am not so sure he really knows how to deal with women. Not even sure he knows how to handle men. He has this notion in his head that if you are not pure Tuchuk you are not Tuchuk, I always thought that if you had a drop of Tuchuk blood you are one. Once you are embraced into the tribe you are a Tuchuk as long as you live as one and don't vacillate between the cities and the plains. You cant live in both, to want the city and desire to be there makes you simply a dweller. You are one or the other and I have no respect to anyone who is like that nor will I give it until they earn it.

I do not know why he thinks this, perhaps it is a personal preference of another and if that is so, then that is very selfish, because I have seen pure tuchuks be less courageous and less honorable than even a dweller, I have seen pure tuchuks not be Tuchuk. So I have to ask.. What is more important... the blood.. or the heart, spirit and soul. For some not an easy answer to look at.

There are other prospects I have not seen, I have seen one that is a weaver I think, and to be honest I have to wonder if she was dropped on her head as a baby, I just have to shake my head at some things I have seen. No one can pull a wagon with a kailla.. Does she know how many bosk it takes? That one I think is going to take a lot of patience and hard work. And I don't have that kind of patience.

I had only been gone from the fires a few ahn when Falon came to me, I knew immediately something was wrong, she was all about ready to burst, she was angry but worst of all deeply hurt. I listened as she told me of what Ayguili said. I did not react at first even though I was more or less stunned, so I just listened. This was the first time I have seen my daughter this upset since her father died. I knew she took it as he was insulting her and her father due to the mamba blood that flowed thru her. I was not sure how to handle this as it was the first time this has ever been a concern. It never bothered Cana that Lochlan had this in his blood for he was Tuchuk thru and thru that is how they were raised, neither of them even know the ways of their father other than stories I would share of him and his courage and of his heart.

So what does a mother do, at the moment I did nothing I let her get it out of her system, I know that she is very sensitive of some things her father is one of them, and she can be very passionate in her emotions I think she gets that from him as I was never quite that way even when I was younger. To a point I was granted. I sat with her for ahns listening, when she was done I tried to explain that every person makes a choice in what they think is right, sometimes that choice is made and it is followed until the end of days and sometimes something happens to change what they think they know and believe. Fate has a way of conspiring against the ways of humans. I did not think that Ayguili would intentionally hurt her like that but I saw him do much the same to Aponi, there is no doubt he really does not know how to deal with women, that was something I wouldn't step into. My first reaction was to go and rip him apart and hand him his backside on a silver platter, but something tugged in the back of my mind that this was not normal Tuchuk thinking so therefore, there has to be something or someone behind it. So for now I would be silent and see what would come of it. I do not tell my children what to think or do.. they must work thru something's themselves and come to an understanding. She is a healer... I am sure that she will put much together and release it. We do not dwell on things.. it is not our way. We are passionate people we feel strongly, we react strongly and we forgive just as fast unless one kills another or betrays them in a deeply personal way. That is another matter.

I did go talk to father as Garyx was out hunting, I needed to speak of this to someone who could look at it in a non emotional way, and father has this way of detaching himself. If I do something he does not look at me as a daughter but as someone who did something that needs retribution handed to them, I know this of him all to well the few times I have done things to warrant punishment I recall them with a vivid clarity. Because I am his daughter he was always harsher with me than with anyone and of all the children he was harder on me, he says because I am more like him and yet to much like my mother. It is strange in some ways but it is something I accept. He listened to what Falon shared with me and sometimes that is all I need is someone to listen to my thoughts with him I could share my emotions that I could not reveal to her. As a mother she needed my strength and love not my own personal thoughts. When all is said and done this is something that Falon and Ayguili need to work out.

At least this is my thought of it.. I do have to wonder though of the way they get at each other, I find it a most curious thing.

Time and words.. make all the difference

As always during the first days of the move would find me busier than usual, I went thru our wagons one last time to ensure we had enough of everything, I had father and Falon take the one extra wagon that I use to bring things back from the inn. I gave them a list of things to stock it with, that would be needed on this particular journey, everything from extra medical supplies to extra furs,dried meat,botas of water,salt, anything that could be thought of. It was to be packed and not just any way it had to be done in a particular way. I also had given Aponi the task of ensuring there were extra furs. I knew a few thought it was more than enough, but they will see on this trail why I have done this. I was glad to see Chay return briefly from a tracking expedition and she lent a hand as well, she went around to help a few elders, I had to tease father and ask if maybe he had a tumble in the furs with her as she was much to warm and nice. And either it was that or she was up to something. He of course would only chuckle. Neither had bruises or scratches so I guess that means it wasn't a tumble in the furs. Then it was my turn to chuckle. Because that meant any one could be her target.

The day seemed to fly from morning into night time, I had already checked on all of my children. And they were in their wagons. Warm, dry, fed and content to be doing things children do together, plot the demise of their parents.. Or at least a good prank.

I had just prepared a bowl of stew and some hot blackwine and took it inside the wagon. And I had earlier taken some of the heated rocks from the fire and I wrapped them in a few furs. About two ehn later Garyx returned. I was still not to pleased with him, but glad to see him home, each day we know it could be the last for any of us, but more so for our men. He removed his wet dirty clothing and put them aside, I would take care of them later. I then draped a warmed fur around him and offered him food and drink. I sat down not far from him, there was small talk. And as always he seems to know my moods or when something is not right. And he is not one to beat around the bush, so I told him. I am not one to hide anything from him, wether it is what I do or what I think and feel. I lay it right out on the table so to speak. You know I think he was a bit amused. Because he made the comment of never having seen me even a bit jealous , I think in some perverse way he even liked it. And while he found it humorous for his own reasons, he never once made me feel that it was a foolish emotion. And granted it is, but he took it as important because it was how I felt, he let me get it off my chest and then we talked of it. And even though I knew there was nothing to be concerned or even to be upset over, I could not help it.

There is no doubt in my mind the best place in the world to be is in his arms. I cannot explain it even if my life depended upon it. He held me as we spoke and all I could think of was the strength and gentleness that he had, the way he would look not just at me but within me. How his heartbeat seemed to match mine at any given moment, in his arms I can be me, a woman, I don't have to present myself in a certain manner or be careful all aspects of me are not seen or known. I don't have to watch what I say or think, I can reveal everything and know he will never think less of me. With him there are no secrets we speak openly and honestly even when one of us or both of us don't want to really hear it. He listens for the most part, after all we are both human and sometimes we screw up.

After a bit he sat up to eat, before his stew got cold. I sat in front him relaxing, enjoying the natural flow of words that we had, he did surprise me by massaging those tight muscles in my back and shoulders, he knows what I do and I never complain of the work, but I would be a liar if I did not say that it was beyond wonderful to have him loosen those muscles, because he thought enough of me as his woman, his mate to ensure that I was taken care of. It is these small things that have more meaning to me.. They are beyond priceless. It was a good way to end the night and this time I slept where I belonged in the warmth of his arms, listening to his breath and his heart.

Preparing for change

I do not think my eyes wish to focus this morning, mostly because it is early and as I sit on my platform of one of the wagons I watch the rain, to some it would appear almost dreary in its display but, I see instead the etheric quality to it this morning as the fog weaves thru the droplets reminding me of someone pouring liquid silver over the plains. It does not however motivate me to get my backside in gear.

I am tired and I noticed the look of a couple of the slaves that are usually up as early as I am, I have yet to do anything. I think they are not sure wether to be worried or afraid, I don't think I will yet burst their illusions. I am very tired this morning, I was up late with the ancient one, he is not doing well, he speaks of things that all of us know are of the past and of things that make no sense, but I sat with him most of the night, I learned long ago even when someone is out of their head they speak of things that we should listen to.

Only the elders of the clan were allowed to see him at the moment, not because we did not want others to see him, but because we knew of things whispered could not be heard by students or those not yet at a certain level. There were those we took from each level of a circle and had them do various things, we knew of course it would not help him, but there was a certain comfort in rituals that could not be put into words a meaning, a feeling. It would not help him in some ways but in others it would do so much more than words could, even the newly brought in students could feel the import of what was going on.

At some time during the night many retired, I sat by his side gently bathing him in herbal water and chanting softly, until he fell into a deep unnatural sleep I knew then it was time to stop, but I did not leave, I stayed there, though I did not sleep I closed my eyes allowing that which was beyond me to drift thru my mind,at some point I must have fallen asleep when I heard my name being spoken in a strange voice, "Hallena," At first I did not respond to it, no one called me by my true given name,mainly because no one knew it but a few. "Ouch," I would mutter with a low growl as I felt a smack across my head, reminiscent of Nasatai when I looked up it was the old one, he was awake, and I quickly checked his fever and was relieved to see it gone. "You should have been in your wagons resting," he admonished me. I could only smile to him, "I was needed here. "

He was silent for a moment, "you are troubled dear one, " he would state softly. I did not say anything as I knew there was no need, he did not yet push it instead spoke of things from even before my time or my mothers time, stories and spells and things known only by the old ones. I could only look at him awestruck by things he revealed to me, these where the very fabric of our ways and teachings within the clan, but yet there was knowledge of things of the people themselves that were interwoven within these things. As he spoke many things began to make sense. I never interrupted but I wondered why he was sharing this with me when it should be one of the others. He would suddenly laugh , "You have not yet seen what I have been doing all these turnings, why I did what I did when you were young" I sort of looked at him strangely at first I knew he was the one who told my father to send me away, and I will admit I still harbored some pain over that, even if I did sort of understand. " Why Fonce gave you the gift that he did." He would remind me of that accursed skull that was never silent which is why it was in the other wagon so I could sleep. Yet, I listened as he spoke of many situations and events. Some were deeply painful and some were joyous. I never questioned him as I knew he had a reason for what he was saying. He reminded me to look at all the places I have been when torn from the embrace of the plains, of the people I met and things I learned. Well, he had a point there, I think I have lived enough in my life to count for several life times, " Look at the times you should have died and nearly did." He would continue in that whispery voice. This began to make me uncomfortable as those things were far to vivid for me even now and I rarely thought back to those things. "Everything has had a purpose, I saw what you were to become and what you would step into of your own self, I have guided many of your steps because you had to have that unbreakable will and inner strength for what will be coming."

Sometimes he confused me sometimes he did not, but what could he have been preparing me for, strangely enough I felt some odd sort of comfort and no fear. It was not until I felt his energy mingle with mine that there was such an influx of information that I lost my breath, it was almost to painful. I knew what he was doing and I wanted to tell him to stop. But I knew better, he was much older than I he had been here teaching my grandmothers grandmother. He has taught all of my family, and know he was sharing with me knowledge so that I could also prepare others as he had us. Perhaps I could finally forgive my father for sending me away all those turnings ago. Perhaps now I could let go of many lingering things that had held their monstrous grip upon me. There was something more important occurring and those things looked rather silly now.

When he was done I found a wave of emotions so intense that I could only let them wash over me and allow them to be released. It was strange to find myself held in his fragile embrace ,he spoke softly , "Let them flow dear one, let them do as they will." I could not argue this for there was no way to fight this. What seemed like many ahns it suddenly passed leaving only a sense of peace. " You need to go rest
Hallena." But I shook my head, I could not leave him, we would be moving tomorrow and I wasn't going to let him be alone. "Still as stubborn as the day is long he would tease, just like your mother. " I could only laugh a bit. Then within a few ehn three of the other elders came in, they were going to sit with me, and one of them he was going to make sure I found my wagon to rest, "I am not the only stubborn one. " I would mutter to him, which caused a weak laugh to echo in his wagon. We all knew he was not going to survive the journey, and I also knew how he planned to ride the skies, because we all felt it out there. A lingering, darkness, hovering, waiting.

It was an odd sensation as I stood, I was so unsteady and dizzy that I physically felt ill. Before, I could protest I found one of the elders lifting me into his arms and carrying me to my own wagons, he had one of the slaves sit with me during the night, as Garyx was out on an extended patrol while we moved. In truth I do not remember getting undressed or falling sleep I only remember waking up later in the morning than I usually do and my clothing was neatly folded nearby. I felt kind of odd, I could not describe it, almost as if I could see and feel different. I lay there for a while just letting these new images and sensations course over me. Then I groaned as I realized just what he did. "Damn " was all I could say. Knowing this was going to take adjusting to and relearning a different control.

There are days you should not get out of your furs

It is not often I allow my emotions to get the better of me, but I am only human after all. I rarely fall into the emotional dispair of some. I rarely fall into fits of tears and upset because my mate is doing what warriors do take care of the tribe. But every now and then even I can get a bit upset and have to ask, "Hey do you remember me?" As rare as it is for me to do that.

I have not seen Garyx yet others have, so that sort of makes me wonder of things. Like why. Have I suddenly grown old and ugly that his furs dont beckon him, or has the passion and desire fizzled already that he seeks pleasure elsewhere? Many thoughts go thru my mind and do many questions.

I thought going to the fires would be pleasent, well, I couldn't have been more wrong. Now I have to ask myself what manner of Tuchuk, family or no will go to bat for one who has not been among the people in quite a few turnings, I know lies when I see them, Sef was not here with the last move that is utter bosk shit. So how did his slave get from a distant city across the plains. Another miracle worker.

Now I know how it goes with family, and clearly Jai is upset over what I said of Sef, I can understand that on one level, well you know what, Sef made his choice, like Ina he chose the city, to me that shows he is not a tuchuk. End of story in my mind when you willingly chose to leave, I have children that were banished for the same reasons, so do I know that heartache, you know damn straight I do. Nothing is harder than your own children being traitors. I made the choice. Tribe above all. And it still hurts, it is an open wound that will never heal they are my children.

And Dash getting her leathers in a twist over a slave, I had already put the blade in to obtain the liver when she spoke, she could have easily spoken to the girl, but no , she has to get all pissy and twisted, her words and actions I will not forget I might one day forgive but I wont forget. Blood on my mouth, there was no damn blood on my mouth. I did what Ba'atar told me to do, take the liver. And if she wants to be so pissy over a former slave of the tribe, then that tells me all I need to know. It did not escape my notice the pissiness of Jai, Kaeli and his son. I will remember, strange isnt it how they band together over a slave. When did they become more important than others. Last I looked they were property, owned.

I really need to stay away from the fires and people. Look at what happens. I am going to stay in my wagons during these rain filled days, because I have a feeling it is just going to keep raining, and raining, and raining. I can be wet and miserable alone.. At least this way I wont cause trouble for the Ubar. Now that mate of mine... He better hope that I have calmed down.

Misunderstandings and hurt feelings

As we ride my thoughts drift to my daughter Falon. I do not interfere in her choices or life often Once in a while of course I do. But in a way that is guiding not telling her what to do. I have taught her to be self reliant and independent. To always follow her heart even when the price we pay is steep. Sometimes it is worth it.

I know that she is troubled over things that transpired between her and Cana, particularly how even I witnessed her putting a prospect healer over a tribal one in front of her, I have to wonder why she would slap her in the face and insult her like that when at one time she claimed her as a close friend, was it because of my son that these bonds were there and were they cut once he died. I am troubled over this. Not as a mother but as a tribal member and yes also as a mother if I own up to it. Cana all but ignored the fact that Falon was there and a healer and proceeded to treat Kaeli as if she were not only tribe but a skilled elder of the tribe, I know Falon is deeply hurt, but I do not interfere yet. I know that she can handle things herself.

I am just somewhat perplexed by this. I like Kaeli she has shown much, but she does not have the skill and experience that some think. She is learning much. But it isn't my clan, and I am just an old woman around here. The way I hear it I am soon to be replaced myself, I wonder do they put old spex's out to pasture like they do kaillas. I suppose the more gentler, delicate, wispy ways are the flavor of the turning. Yes, I know my temper is starting to surface as I work thru my thoughts. But I think I am more disappointed than anything, as I noticed the sudden cold shoulder from Cana at the fires the other night. Why I do not know, I sure did not do anything to her. Although I was made aware of words spoken at the fires the other night.

Now, I do not know why Ba 'atar told her she needed to find a mate, he could have been serious or teasing, I was not there so I can not say. So you know that can be taken with a grain of salt, I believe he was teasing. But that is just my thought on it, I think though w hat really set her off was her interpretation of Cana's words, these have caused her a greater hurt than was realized and I do not think was done with malice or intent to hurt. Although Cana has yet to realize that not everyone in life needs a mate to feel complete. When it is time the skies will bring the warrior capable of holding her heart. I also think she forgets that Fonce broke Falon's hurt, his actions devastated and hurt her in a way that no one else has, her trust in men is gone. She loved him and offered her heart and soul to him, but he constantly tore it down and put obstacles in front of her that no one could overcome,

She never faltered in her heart, she never wavered but I think the true wound came when he mated Tzuri after enslaving her and then seeing her continue to not act as a tuchuk even after becoming Ubara. That is a lot of pain for a heart to bear. It takes time to rebuild and heal that. Falon is like me in that respect it takes a long time to get over it and on some levels we never do.

Turbulence

Normally I do not mind the rain, I rather enjoy the beauty and simplicity of it. It can be gentle and soothing and it can be harsh and destructive. Most times I can lose myself in its liquid embrace, letting the rivulets glide along my skin. To feel and taste it is like the sweet crystalline succor of sugar. At least to me, it is water, it touches my emotions and it soothes my senses.
But, today. I find the rain irritates me, it is not the rain itself, it is simply me.

I am irritated.

There are no two ways about it, and when I am irritated I also get testy and moody. The combination of weather and my mood. Well, that is like putting a delicate prospect of heated slave in front of a hungry sleen. The results are instant annilhation. It is the first day of the move, I could hear in front of me the sounds of the wagon wheels as they grasped the land, I could inhale the scent of freshly turned ground and the light fragrance the blades of grass released when stepped upon or rode upon. The distinct heady fragrance of the bosk mingled with the sounds and scents. Along with the songs of the singers and the joyous laughter of children, there was excitement in the air as we began the move.

My wagons were at the end of all the first wagons, sort of in between the outer wagons and the first wagons, not my usual place to be . I am normally further up along side my fathers, because even though I am almost as old as dirt and he is older than dirt,he tends to still watch over me. Old habits die hard, I know that because I still watch over my own children no matter how old and capable they think they are, even those I consider children that aren't really but in my heart they are . I got it into my head in this moment of unbalanced,frazzled, chaotic mind set to pull away from people. Sometimes I think I have become to set in my ways although some would say it is control. I had to kind of shake my head a bit, as any who could think or say such do not really know me. But then again who really knows me. I think the only one that truly knows a good portion of me is Garyx and even he does not know all of me, he yet learns daily that is part of being in a binding relationship, something new to learn of each other daily. Though at the moment he is in the sleen house even if he doesn't know it. Back here I can just ride and be silent. Listen to the outriders and others as they talk. I learn much, something's I really do not want to know but do. But I am practicing one of my own lessons that I designed for my students. I just never claimed to be good at it.

Sometimes I miss having a female confidante, a woman that I can laugh with over silly things or share my deepest fears and secrets. I had that once long ago before I returned to the plains. I had that with my sister Dina. Times like this I really miss her, I know she feels my emotions as I do hers,because she is like me and I am like her. I could tell her anything and never be seen as less than a woman nor would she judge me. I find today I really miss that. Unfortunately, I have learned the hard way women tend to betray freindships, I learned that the most painful way here upon the plains. Since then I keep a safe distance of the real me from everyone I allow each person in only to a certain point. Some take it various ways, to me it is self preservation. But that does not mean I do not miss such things, it would be nice to have a confidante I can talk to, although I do not mind being such for others. I realized that outside of my mate I have no one close to me like that.


As each ahn passes my body feel the effects, I do not think we ever get used to this no matter how many times we have made it. For the most part I ride along side my wagons on Mist Runner, though it is kind of funny to see the reaction of new people when they realize that he is never penned and that I never use a saddle and very rarely do I use reins on him,he was created in the deepest and heaviest of the morning mists. He comes when I need him and then leaves when I do not. He is a temperamental beast he does not allow anyone other than Garyx and Cana to touch him, in fact one of the young unscarred boys thought that he was tough and brave and decided to not heed the warnings of not only the one who is one with him but a spex. Go figure, it seems to be in the air lately, he very quickly found out when Mist Runner suddenly gave one of those warning growl like sounds , this was ignored and the next thing you knew he was writhing on the ground in pain and blood flowed along his arm in small rivers. Obviously he is missing a chunk of flesh from his arm. Now I was tempted to let him just bleed to death. But he is tuchuk unscarred or not. And I had a rare moment of pity. Father would say a moment of getting soft.

I fixed his arm, but that wicked part of me did it without numbing it, sort of a painful lesson to head warnings. I bet he thinks twice next time. I swear I could hear that beast of my laugh. It wouldn't surprise me any.
I decided to let Mist ride off he was often my eyes and ears in a way he sensed danger in ways humans cannot even we spex cannot always know of some things. So, I decided to sit in the wagon for a bit, Ulric would check on me every now and then and I decided to try and catch up on my writings.

Skies I have gotten behind... so now to figure out how to summarize a vast array of thought.