To say that the night was exhausting mentally, emotionally and physically would be an understatement. And as much as I wanted to wallow in self pity and embarrassment I didn't, I forced myself up and prepared the morning meal for Garyx as he prepared to go out on a hunt and see what all he needed to do. I know that he was not happy that he did not have his command he was used to doing a few things a certain way. It was that burden of guilt that this was my fault that weighed heavily on my heart, and he gave me a look that clearly said not to take the whole thing on myself. Yea, okay as if that will make it so.
I suppose for as much wisdom and knowledge as I have gained over the turnings, and the mellowing of some of those reckless and rash days that I had when younger have passed , it is also the knowing that all of us falter in some things from time to time, and it is how we handle them that means the most, not what we did or not do . It would be easy to shift the blame elsewhere and not take responsibility as I have watched some do. It would be easy to fall into a lump of quivering flesh and cry and beg as I have also seen many do, using tears and womanly ways to try and escape the wrath of a warrior. But that simply wasn't me, I knew right and wrong, I always held a rigid standard for myself when it came to honor and trust. Fact is, the way I did what I did was what was wrong not what I thought or felt. I will not deny this nor will I take it away from the warriors as being meaningless or nothing. I knew what was coming and I knew my mate would take care of it today just as I knew what was expected of me, we would get thru this and we would move on from this, we both knew this. It was a part of life and we would not dwell on it longer than was needed.
I rode along the wagons most of the day never once venturing from mine, I kept to myself most of the day mostly because I knew that I was tired and still not yet myself, I knew to encapsulate myself for a while. Once I felt more like myself I then sought out Sef. I asked to speak with him, and as I did I noticed Jai and Ba'atar sparring and I wanted to say something but I did not, that damn man was he undoing everything I did, did what I do have so little meaning that he would just destroy it, If he did it would be his own ass to suffer because I couldn't help again so soon. But again, I was keeping my thoughts to myself. And such would remain in effect to a certain point. Once more I would keep myself behind those walls that kept me from getting into trouble.
I spoke with Sef for a while I gave my apologies to him I did not offer excuses and told him as much, he accepted it and he knew that trust would not be easily given to him, he acknowledged how he has been in the past , aware that many of us have seen it, I asked a few questions and he gave the answers including to why he always left. I understood his answer. The skies have given him another chance, and it will be up to him what he does with it. I did not ride back to the main fires with him as I did have things to finish and I also knew that I had my mate awaiting me, and it is never wise to make a warrior wait when he is already not pleased with you. My father did not raise a fool.
I suppose for as much wisdom and knowledge as I have gained over the turnings, and the mellowing of some of those reckless and rash days that I had when younger have passed , it is also the knowing that all of us falter in some things from time to time, and it is how we handle them that means the most, not what we did or not do . It would be easy to shift the blame elsewhere and not take responsibility as I have watched some do. It would be easy to fall into a lump of quivering flesh and cry and beg as I have also seen many do, using tears and womanly ways to try and escape the wrath of a warrior. But that simply wasn't me, I knew right and wrong, I always held a rigid standard for myself when it came to honor and trust. Fact is, the way I did what I did was what was wrong not what I thought or felt. I will not deny this nor will I take it away from the warriors as being meaningless or nothing. I knew what was coming and I knew my mate would take care of it today just as I knew what was expected of me, we would get thru this and we would move on from this, we both knew this. It was a part of life and we would not dwell on it longer than was needed.
I rode along the wagons most of the day never once venturing from mine, I kept to myself most of the day mostly because I knew that I was tired and still not yet myself, I knew to encapsulate myself for a while. Once I felt more like myself I then sought out Sef. I asked to speak with him, and as I did I noticed Jai and Ba'atar sparring and I wanted to say something but I did not, that damn man was he undoing everything I did, did what I do have so little meaning that he would just destroy it, If he did it would be his own ass to suffer because I couldn't help again so soon. But again, I was keeping my thoughts to myself. And such would remain in effect to a certain point. Once more I would keep myself behind those walls that kept me from getting into trouble.
I spoke with Sef for a while I gave my apologies to him I did not offer excuses and told him as much, he accepted it and he knew that trust would not be easily given to him, he acknowledged how he has been in the past , aware that many of us have seen it, I asked a few questions and he gave the answers including to why he always left. I understood his answer. The skies have given him another chance, and it will be up to him what he does with it. I did not ride back to the main fires with him as I did have things to finish and I also knew that I had my mate awaiting me, and it is never wise to make a warrior wait when he is already not pleased with you. My father did not raise a fool.
