A moment of fatigue

I sit on the platform of my wagon, I am tired,as I watch the stars glittering in the dark velvet folds of the sky,it dawns on me how exhausted I really am. I knew why I had been working very late into the night and getting up early in the mornings,I realized that I have regressed to some of my old habits, since Garyx has been gone on patrol. It was his turn to take one of the extended journeys to ride out and search for Fonce, he had been gone for over two hands now. I knew that this one would keep him away for some time but I did not really anticipate it would be this long. It was the first we have been separated for any length of time since our mating. I found that I did not like it, I was restless and dreams kept me awake once more, even the feather and larl tooth he gave me did not seem to help me. It did to a point but still I found myself lost without him, that was a first for me, I have had several mates and was used to them being gone, but none affected me or was as deeply bound to me as he was. And I of him, it was as if a part of me were missing. I was not sure how to react to this.

I needed to keep my mind and hands busy, and I never have trouble finding things to do, at our wagons all the meat was dried and stored away, hides had been tanned and cut for various uses, and so many other things were completed. I exhausted myself so I could sleep, every now and then I realized I had not eaten and I had to remind myself to do so. It was not intentional I just got caught up in what I was doing that I would forget. The youngest son, Arkus and Hallie joined me at my wagon they decided to keep me company tonight, I am sure they realized I was out of sorts and they thought to try and make me feel better. The thought made me smile. Even Chay took time out of her hunt to stop by. I enjoyed the visit with her.


I wondered how Ba 'atar was doing, I knew that he went out on what he told others was a hunt, I also knew what he was looking for out there, I hoped he would find it and do as he said he would , it might not seem like much to him but I have a feeling when Cana sees just what he went thru to find something just for her that it would bring him so much more than he anticipated. Ba 'atar has never been mated and it is not easy for a warrior to adjust, any more than it is for a woman. I know that he thinks all women are here for his beck and call but I hope my words help him to see that we are not. Every free woman is different and a relationship is not based on just cleaning his clothing and wagons and cooking for him, that is something we do as part of being a mate but it is not what builds a strong binding relationship. Had Garyx acted in some of the ways he does I would have nailed him in the head with a few pots and other things. But then Garyx is my age and has been thru much and he had spent enough time around me to know that I too had been thru far more than I would readily reveal. But I had faith in Ba'atar I feel he will grow into a wiser man as he walks his path. He has much potential to become more than what others see at the moment. There are things I have spoken of with him that I keep in the confines of the counseling sought. I am pleased to see his heart in regards to Cana.

Though we have come to an understanding and resolved certain issues I still have not seen my grandson, I have given up on being a part of his life. I am hardly blind or stupid. It is what it is. I will watch from a distance. I had sent lily to Canas wagons with a basket of various things that I knew pregnant women indulged in. Along with a message that I would like to see her, but there had been no response so I can only take the silence one way, that says much to me. I will not make an effort again, I know of her moving out of the wagons and then back again. I am not sure what is going on but I wont attempt to find out, I had thought to see how she was and see if there was anything I could do, some parts of a conversation with her mate came to mind in that he is seriously mistaken and wrong this I have seen myself.


I have noticed that Shi and Silk have been spending a lot of time together, they have always had a bond since before I even knew him, it was one that followed him into his mating with me. Our mating never had a chance to succeed and we both know this and we know why, we have worked thru those issues and the anger and hurt from betrayal and untruths were worked out, it took a very long time for such to occur, that is why I kind of have to chuckle when some ask of it, things occurred before their time here at the first wagons and I will never speak bad of him before others, he is still the father of two of my children, his daughter Hallie and his first born son Arkus. I have always told him and her both that they were meant for each other, but she had to learn many things before she could see this. I wonder if she knows can see the truth of things. I am glad to see that I was not wrong, as lately I find myself doubting many things and many people. But I know it is from that which hovers nearby.

For now my thoughts must conclude as I need to ride out upon the plains and gather a few things. While things have been calm and quiet, I know that the lingering darkness has not gone away it just lays in wait.
For what I do not know but while it is not causing chaos I have things to put in place to prepare for what I know is to come, I just hope it does not happen before my mate returns.