Beyond my understanding. . .

In the early morning the darkness of the night is sliced with ribbons of color slashing thru it, giving hint of the brightness that is valiantly pushing thru. This battle between day light and night time is one I enjoy watching, it is eternal in its struggle and though each will lose the fight at different times of day it is no less than magnificent and beautiful. I have two favorite times of day, sunrise and sunset.

More often than naught I am here within the circle of my wagons at both times of day, simply enjoying those moments of life that often pass you by without you realizing it. I also find myself standing at a crossroads once more. Deciding which direction to take is never easy. For the way is never clear, it is often obscured and murky. And yet I also find myself stripped of many layers leaving open a rawness and sensitivity that I have not felt in a long time at least not to this degree. It is akin to having all the skin removed leaving only the tissue and muscle exposed quivering painfully in the air. Exposed and vulnerable.

As I sit here on the trail towards Turia I find myself having a hard time writing my thoughts as we travel towards Turia for the love wars. I really had contemplated remaining behind but that was not an option. So I sit here try to put down my thoughts but they do not want to cooperate, either they come out with such force that there is just a lengthy sonnet of thoughts that are scrambled and broken and form no coherency, or they remain tightly corked and pushed away so that nothing would induce them to flow freely. Yet , I have plenty of thoughts on various people, in fact on a couple I have some very definite concrete ideas along with some deep heart felt disappointments, and on others the illusion of them has been shattered as their true colors are revealed. I have not spoken of these things to anyone, for a variety of reasons, and I also do not write of some of these things because I have waited to long to do so, and to try and write of them would be inaccurate and also because when I find myself stepping onto the dark of losing any caring I once held I cease to expend the energy to put things down on paper. It is never good when I allow myself to be embraced by this.

I find myself caught in a barrage of thoughts and emotions that pull me in many directions, leaving me with a sense of deep loss, profound sadness and the sharpness of disappointment. There is much of people that lend to this, and there is much of myself that cements it. I have been watching people, I had hopes for a few and I find myself greatly disappointed, and I find myself pulling farther and farther away within myself,becoming less vocal and more withdrawn. A quieter facet is beginning to be revealed, the calm waters are superficial, beneath them lies a deep turbulence. Each time I take a step outward I find two reasons to step back within. Each day I find the part of me that cares slowly disappearing, I struggle each day to find a reason to step outside the circle of my wagon. I see some changes in people that I am not impressed with. I could sit and write the specifics but it would take to much time and energy. And to do so would give power and energy to it that I would rather not provide or encourage to grow. Suffice it to see that for one, many notice and for others a few notice things. And it will be reflected in how people relate to them and see them, I am sure the change has already been felt and for them I would suggest they look at and within themselves for the answers,for a few trust has been lost for more than one tribal member. It is my thought that the energy used to pursue warriors should be used to become part of the first fires. I do not see that tribe is a priority, I see only the needs and wants of the individual being placed as a first priority. I also see history repeating itself and I hope that one is wise enough to see the similarities to save themselves from the same hurt that has been rendered before.

I think I also find much to do within the sanctuary of my wagons because I am aware of how others view me, some things I did not really know but as time passes much is revealed. These thoughts are troubling to me and I am not sure how to navigate thru them. Somewhere along the way I seem to have lost me, and I have been lost for several turnings. And I am not sure that I will be found again. Maybe the true me will never been found, sometimes when you are lost and buried for so long, you can never recover. I try to remember how I was before I was parted from the plains, is that when I was lost? Or was it at the hands of others when they destroyed and slaughtered me? I am not really sure. But, I do not think the true me will ever really be seen. It is to dangerous to my heart and spirit to allow me out.

I have given up trying to sit and talk to those I would enjoy speaking with, or that I want to talk with because every time I go to do so, someone suddenly has a need,and it is not usually an important or life changing need but by the time they think on it, it has grown into such, usually it is the same few over and over, most times it is just so that they can remain in the focused line of vision on a daily basis to pave the path to what it is they want, so I have to wonder is this coincidental or are they afraid of the friendship that might once more be developed or restored. Then add to it that those I have sought out do not usually have the time or put me off until it is forgotten, as if never spoken of. Or when it is I am given one set of words and others are given a different set, either way the fates have had their way, I do not pursue these avenues anymore. Those that are true will be revealed, and those that care will be revealed, just as those that really want to know will do so. I am too tired to fight for things and people anymore. Essentially that is where I am at this juncture, floating in the abyss bathing in its heavy sticky touch. I used to try and fight my way out but I find that the fight has gone out of me. It takes to much effort . And people have shown that all that energy and time that is forced thru is not usually worth it.

There are some things that I have observed or shown to me that if they weren't so ludicrous I would have to laugh and find them amusing, but it is just beyond my comprehension, yet another reason for me to remain in solitude because it seems even simple joking and talking with a warrior is taken as I am chasing after someone, Good skies I am probably one of the very few women that has never chased a man, and I sure as hell am not about to start now. It is not my style to play the mind games and plot and manipulate in order to capture a man, many do this, I watch it happening now , but I have more class and intelligence than to act like a sleen in heat or to act like and ost and be charmingly deceptive. I am me, I speak the truth as I see it and feel it. So for me to talk to or tease a warrior does not mean I want to jump in his furs or mate him.

Besides even if there was one or two or three that would have interested me, lets face it there is not a one that I have seen that would have be interested in me of all people, given I seem to scare a few, intimidate a few, or bore yet a few others. So why would I set myself up for failure?
I am quite are of the hard facts of life, I hardly inspire an interest or spark fire within them, in fact I rather bore most, so why would I want to contemplate such. I do not have the raw sensual passion that is flaunted about, that is something I keep private, it is there, but it is something I save for one that shares my path of life. I have my share of dark desires that very few know of just as I have the full fledged passions of a wild fire. I am not witty or colorful, I tend to speak my mind as it thinks of something. I am not a dark exotic beauty or delicate flower, I am just simply me. I am flawed, I am scarred, I feel things deeply and I am far more sensitive than many know, there is much I know and yet much I do not know, there is much I have experienced and much I have not. It is sad that you cannot even joke or speak with a warrior for jealousy to take root. Though truth be told I have so much more to give than is even realized, but now I suppose I have to be careful don't laugh to much, smile to much or tease. Assumptions are often made. Wrongly so.


I do not envy Fonce and Ayguili, or in fact any other warrior that is around the first fires, for they have eyes and ears upon them even when they think they do not, for some are very curious of each woman they speak to, watching to see if he has an interest in another instead of them, and they step up their game when they feel threatened, a few think they already have him in fact they act like he is courting them already. I just have to scratch my head, the whispers I have heard amuse me, I suppose many do not realize, I have a history with many people, since I have been around for some time, I remember when Fonce came to become a part of the tribe, we once had the beginnings of friendship a long time ago, but for some reason we have often had fireworks between us, I am not sure why,but it is a simple fact, neither of us has made much progress in crossing that bridge, though I have tried many times. In fact, we spoke briefly of it, he has little faith in the words of women getting to know him and standing by him, I do understand this,for personal reasons and also from having watched and listened for many turnings,in fact there is much I understand because in some things I am or have been thru it. I do not expect him to believe the words we spoke of, but I reminded him that I have not stopped trying to get to know him, I have never given up on him. Even when many thought him dead, I would often remind him he was not, I do not think he realizes that I searched for him thru the way sof the clan. Regardless of how many times he has lashed out at me and knocked me down with various words, or in some instances lack of words,sometimes I think he does not really see these things and other times I think he sees that I am more defensive to him than I am. He does not always see clear, but then I do not always see or hear clearly either. It is one of those volatile episodes that color things for each. But regardless, I still try to know him. He spoke of the side of him that is not the best part of him, I do not think he realizes yet that I have the tendency to take the good and bad of people and when I care I don't walk away. I am still there, even he had to admit he has never seen me run from a storm. Perhaps one day he may realize how much alike we are in some things. Cana walked in on the bantering of this, she caught the I will show you mine if you show me yours, now it was not how it sounded but it did make for some humor. Cana thinks we are each dangerous on our own but together it was just scary. Now I did find humor in that.

Just like last night, I teased him after the dweller Sorrel told him he was like a grandfather, oh good skies I nearly pissed myself laughing over that, I just do not see him as a grandfather, and I commented on how my handiwork would be all wrinkly and this lead to some teasing, some were trying to figure it out but I was not telling, he knew. He bears my signature mark on his thigh, and lets face it I am still a woman and even I would have to say, Fonce is put together rather damn well. I am hardly blind. But I sure was not going to give specifics and provide fodder for others to chew upon.

Now where in there am I flirting or chasing him? I don't think I have ever flirted in my life, I do not have those girlie tendencies that many have, my father didn't teach flirting or seduction 101, he taught me how to take care of myself, defend myself, wager, hunt and even how to fight if I need to, along with a few less than nice things to know. He taught me to be honest, have integrity, to be loyal, and so many other things. I have to shake my head, it is a damn good thing for these young women I am not. Because I can promise without a doubt,that I can do and give things they could only dream of, and not one damn man I have been with has ever been unhappy, in fact even those that were pure bastards, if they could have me back they would. Though I suppose I should say they are all dead but one. I might be old, I might not be beautiful and I might speak my mind with all the fire and spirit of the plains, but I do know how to be faithful, loving, loyal and I know how to treat a man. There is more to me than what they see. But it ticks me off the stupidity of people,should I not talk to warriors for fear it will be taken as being on the prowl.

And people wonder why I have decided to keep to myself.

I have stopped writing for now as I find my words starting to ramble and become unfocused, besides I need to go find a way to get even with Mezoo and Ayguili, damn if they did not maneuver me into shopping. I have to admit that was pretty damn slick how they did that, I suspect Cana had a hand in that to.

Now that is another story. . . they can be assured I will find a way to get even. eventually

I know? what exactly is it I know. . .

Was it the pain of my son that kept me pacing around the circle of my wagons thru the night, or was it that old familiar restlessness pulling at me. I am careful as a rule to keep myself shielded from the onslaught of emotion by people. I felt a presence of late, something undefinable, it was not dark yet it was not light.

It was just there as if waiting and beckoning at the same time and yet in a different nuance it was pushing and obstructing and fighting to be free. What was this that I felt enveloping me, familiar yet unfamiliar, warm and yet cold, gentle and yet biting. I could not quite figure it out.

"You know." Was whispered within my head, yet it was not one voice it was many.

I know? I would ask myself, what is it I am supposed to know but yet clearly I do not.

"Yes, you do. " was stated once more only with more power behind it, it sounded louder as if it were echoing inside of my head.

Now, I was not going to stand here and argue with voices inside my head, even I would have to wonder if I wasn't going looney tunes then. I drew in a slow breath and walked once more around the circle. When I felt a sudden warmth of something rush thru me, as if something or someone passed thru me, I knew I was not channeling as I never do such alone and I was not working on doing it, not that I did it often I think the last time I did, was for Cana when Tayco died.

"Really Tarra you are going to wear a hole in the ground with all that pacing, still yourself already white larl."

Okay, now that got my attention. I know exactly who that sounded like, and I was going insane. But yet, there was a part of me that wondered, what was going on or better yet why was it going on, I was not even doing anything related to the clan. I haven't for some time, I had to rub my head for a moment, maybe the lack of sleep was affecting my mind, the youngest sons emotions had drained me in a way I have not felt in a while, maybe that to was affecting, but he had needed to release them so he could move onward. I think he will find himself feeling better. Arkus has decided to take him under his wing during the journey to Turia. Many are excited about this trip, I can not say I am, I am not a big fan of going near the city. I am even less of a fan of mixing with dwellers. I do not think I get as excited of these things as I once did, I have seen far to many of them, but I do remember the excitement of them when I was young. So I can see and understand the sense of exhilration many feel. I will have to look for Symira, she is the one I often deal with for trading of spices, herbs and other things, not to mention she is one of the few that I can call freind, even if she is a dweller. But she knows how I think and feel so she does not take exception to it. We owe each other a debt of blood. That has meaning and I honor it.

Silence, this was good, now to contemplate the words spoken. Without warning there was a flash of past visions when with the ancient one, once more the warrior that killed me twice appeared. Oh no, was I going to die again, I was getting rather tired of those visions, as I really hated getting killed in each one. I still was not sure what they all had meant, for as much as I learned and gained with the ancient one, I also left with many unanswered questions and thoughts.

This time he was just standing there,he held no weapon and he had nothing predatory about him, but I was no fool, I knew to be cautious. I did not fear him, I never have. In his hand he held a large opal, but yet between us I saw a fence or wall of some sort. My mind drifted thru the symbolism that was before me and before I could speak the vision was gone.

I had to blink for a moment as I looked around, nothing was out of place, now why was something or someone suddenly pushing very hard for me to see something. I decided to go lay down for a while to contemplate these things.

" You know." was whispered again, I could hear thousands of voices in that one voice.

"Just look and allow it to be shared." Was offered to me in an almost sing song type of voice, I could see once more something floating around me, almost as if a living ribbon were twirling and twisting about me, the silver white strands that floated outward reminded me of pale strands of moonlight, shimmering and illuminating everything, it would wrap about me as if it sought to be a part of me, there were so many familiar scents and tones within it, as if there were many I knew from present and past and even though there were some I did not recognize it was as if I did. Strange.. but then again not really, I knew it was the collective energy of the voices, the spirits and vibrations of those that spoke, letting me feel their presence. As if to let me know that I really did hear them, I was not loosing my mind.

Then just as fast as they came they were gone.

" Soon." was all they left me with.

They had to be men, only men left you wanting for more and then just stopped and walked away. Well, okay I suppose women were in there to, because women were known to do the same teasing seductive dance.

Great, leave it to me to have such a thought, now either I would not sleep at all, or the dreams would be very erotic, either way, it was going to be a long night.

Still in my mind it was just bosk shit, I had no intention of searching for the meaning and answers.

Then I felt a nudge as I entered my wagon, " You of all people know you can't change who you are or what you are." I just shook my head, at this point I really was in no mood to listen. So I shut out the voices, but damn if certain images did not keep bursting into my head, yes, it was going to be a long night, and maybe even a few trips to the stream.

A sons pain

I waited to see what it was my son had on his mind, when he drew near the emotions that were bottled within him were tangible as if I could reach out and grasp them into my hand. My youngest son sat next to me and leaned into me, I slipped my arm about him and held him close to me, I did not speak letting him determine the pace and path of this discussion.

I felt a warm wetness along my tunic, I knew that there were silent tears escaping his eyes, I was not sure what was causing him so much sorrow, I know that he had expressed his sorrow,pain and anger when his father died, I know that I have kept an open line of communication with each of my children they all know there is nothing they can not come to me with that will ever change how I see and feel about them. I may not always agree, but I will always listen So it left me wondering about what had him so deeply troubled.

I was further surprised when he moved to curl in my lap and against me like a little boy who needed comfort, I held him in my arms, cradling him as I used to when he was small, granted he was more than to big to be held as such now but it was something he needed.

Eventually he spoke, breaking the silence, " I was with my friends learning how to make weapons and each of them had their father with them, I remember father telling me he would show me how to do different things, I feel as if I have the bazi plaque for certain things." I felt a twinge of pain shoot thru me, and I had to draw in a slow breath, I began to understand, he was feeling those sudden unexpected moments of loss and pain that had a way of striking out of no where to bring you to your knees, they were hard to express. There can be events, smells, events and so many little things that may bring that pain to the surface, he was struggling to deal with this. I was not really sure how to guide him on this. " The other warriors they were helpful and taught me much but it was not the same and I felt so out of place. Is this wrong to feel this way?" He would ask.

"No," I would state softly to him as my hand moved thru that wild thatch of hair that had now grown long, sometimes he would try to braid it to keep it tame. Other times he would not, sort of like a mini Garyx running around. "Sometimes we think that we have dealt with the pain and sorrow of losing someone that is important to us, someone that we love more than anyone else, but there will be situations every day that may remind us of how big of a hole the loss of them has left." I knew this all to well, there were days where just a simple word or scent would bring that wound in my heart open and leave it to bleed profusely.

"Does it get better, does it ever go away." Now that was a difficult thing to answer, "It eventually gets easier but there will always be a part of you that will miss your father, he was a man that is not easily forgotten nor should you, because in your heart he is with you, he loved you more than I think even he thought possible, he had such great pride when you were born, you were his first son, his first child. " I smiled gently to him, I recall with clarity the happiness and pride he felt when he held his son for the first time. I have been fortunate to give most of my mates a few firsts from a first child, to a first son to a first daughter.

My youngest son looked to me, "Do you still feel these things?' He would ask, I would nod, there was a deep emotion within me that prevented me from talking, no one knew just how deep my emotions were, nor did anyone know of the tears I shed in private or the deep sense of being lost I felt. I kept it hidden from my children and from the few that I did call friend. "Yes," eventually I answered him "There are days when something is said or a special moment is remembered and I feel as you do now." I was not lying to him, but I did not reveal the depth of the things I felt. He touched my cheek, " Thank you Mother," He then sat up and moved beside as if revealing he was a man and it was just unmanly to be so emotional, actually it was a good sign he felt things. To get them out was good. "Do you think you will ever share your life with another again." He would ask. I shook my head. "No. I do not think so." I would not say that definitely but I was pretty certain, there was not exactly a lot to choose from that would be able to stay around me for any length of time He laughed, I knew full well that some tolerated me, others did not really want to get to know me, very few people male or female really want to take that chance. They speak one way and do another, I learned long ago just to keep myself at a certain distance, maybe one day someone would really want to know me, of me and know things. For now I would just continue as I always do, work around my wagons. I don't do much within the clan its been made pretty clear that only one person teaches anyone and I really have no purpose within it. I do a few things for Chulunn and others that they need but I crate them in the sanctuary of my own wagons.

He hugged me and grinned " Somehow I doubt you will be alone long any man that doesn't reach out to grab you is a fool, you are one of the most protective, honorable, courageous and loyal women I know. All the things warriors value." And then off he went there was more of a lightness to him for which I was thankful he was going to be alright. I had to chuckle at his words. Sometimes he could just make me think. And sometimes he could just make me laugh, I do not know why he and a few others seem to think I should not be alone. But it does not matter what he or others want, because my destiny is now in my hands. And I have already decided. However, he will be some Haruspex and warrior when he grows up.

I moved from my wagon to one of the other ones I had been working on, there was always something to fix or take care of within my little circle.

Dissolvement of hope and faith

The days have passed with relative slowness at least in my mind they have been, I have not lingered at the fires very long,actually I have not been lingering anywhere very long. I have mixed feelings and thoughts on many things lately. I will sort thru them eventually but I think while I do it is wiser to stay away from people.

I have tried to have various talks with a few, but either there is no time or one or two suddenly arrive right on cue and bring forth their own wants and needs when it is clear two people were talking. I suppose the lingering emotions,dreams and desires are far more important, what I had to talk of really had no value or importance.

My mind went over a few things that have been mentioned to me, it is interesting how people speak of things but only in bits and pieces and yet just enough to place thoughts in the mind. The ubar had already asked me days ago to take Sorrel in hand and yet it has been spoken of at the fires that she recently upset Cana, I have not seen Cana to know what has happened, but apparently he said at that time he would speak to me of it, he already had so it confused me as to why he would not just say that. I have not seen the girl since the night she thought she could dictate to me. I gather it was after I left that she upset a few at the main fires, that is not a surprise. He had spoken of me also helping teaching the other prospects like Asria, Mezoo and Seveya and yet the opposite was said at the main fires. This gives me pause and questions arise in my head, am I told one thing just to say it and yet it has no meaning of validity behind it, So that was the way of it. I begin to see. I love Cana to pieces and I understand why she is in charge, she is the Ubara, she is younger, she is sweet and tactful. I am aware of things often said of me, funny how most of it is as far from the truth as it can be, but at least now things have been revealed.

Was I that wrong of people. It would appear so. I do not need lip service and I don't need the backstabbing I have seen of people, I am a bit upset that a few having used me for their own gains, now forget I am part of the tribe, but that is alright, I will remember when they need something. And I will once more treat those that are prospects to the first fires as such. I was foolish to invest time and emotion, I learn fast and well. I will not repeat it. Such things are not learned with age, I think we always try to see the best of people and to see hope, but I think I have finally reached the end stage of these things, I was seeking to detach my heart and emotions, I have been given help to do so.. I suppose I should be thankful.

My thoughts were interrupted as I watched my youngest son, it was to late in the night for him to be up so I wondered what was on his mind for I could clearly see much was on his mind.

His vibrant green eyes held a pain within them that while I had anticipating coming at some point in time I was not sure I was ready for the outfall of it.

A freindship treasured and a prospect lost

Old man slumber likes to tease the outer fringes of my mind, bringing just enough of his touch to take me to the edge of a deep sleep where I hover and dream, then he suddenly rips it away to awaken me and leave me with ahns of wakefulness, it is a cycle repeated every night, I have learned when I cannot sleep that I slip on my leathers and a loose tunic and braid my hair loosely just in case anyone wandered into my circle of wagons, and I have had it happen occasionally during the night that someone needs something, my bare feet touch the ground and my toes curl into the dirt and grass, not just to feel it but to let it touch me. To speak to me and comfort me. I do not think I could explain to anyone what it is like to be so connected, perhaps another Haruspex may understand but only if they are truly connected not only to themselves but everything around them and beyond them.

In the gaze of the moons I move to the spex wagon and I lift a basket of dried herbs and a bowl and I walk to sit on the platform of my wagon , I sit there just gazing up at the tre moons, if you look at them just right you can capture in your vision the outer mystical glow that circles them, there is something deeply spiritual and magical about them. I feel something when I work beneath their loving gaze, there is no blood in the moons this night that is a good sign. I toss the dried herbs into the bowl and I begin to slowly grind them to pulverize them into a powder, it is slow tedious work, but not one I mind when I cannot sleep. It will soon enough slow down my mind and bore me enough to return to slumber. I have listened as I have heard speak as if they never sleep, now this is impossible, because the mind becomes delusional and atrophies, the body will not function, the body has a self preservation built in, it will force you to sleep after a couple of days one way or another. Now I know why my sleep is interrupted, there is much within my mind and much that I keep such control over in front of others that at night it comes out to speak to me and remind me of some things, I am also aware of Cana being restless and I understand why, I do not push I know when she needs me she will come to me, just as I know right now it is Fonce she needs, I know he is able to do certain things I can not do at this time. I think this thought would surprise a few, but I do not guide the thoughts of people they make their own assumptions, often incorrectly. I am more skilled at some things than he is, and he is skilled at some things I am not, the advantage I have is age and knowledge, but that does not take away from what he has, what he knows and can do, and what he will continue to learn, because we are constantly learning and evolving as we grow, it is an eternal ongoing thing, it does not mean I think more or less of him and it does not mean that I think I am better or not better than him. There are some things that I hope in time will sort themselves out when it comes to him. But it has no bearing on how I see him as a warrior or spex. Nor will I deny my own limitations or lack of experience in some things. What they are will be learned thru time by those who truly wish to know.

I think over the past few days, there are some I have not seen, and a few I would rather not, the disappearance and appearance of some amuses me in a way because it is not coincidental. A few just make me shake my head,and few have me concerned, I have watched a few change lately and become emboldened in certain goals, I am perplexed by this and yet not truly surprised I expected it, sad thing is, if people would put half the energy into being made part of the first fires as they do in trying to gain the eyes and hearts of men they would accomplish a lot. But I guess I am old and I think that a person should have priorities, and I see they do not and I am very disappointed in a couple. I had hoped they were different but they are not, I always find it interesting that people wish to be around you until they get what they want and then they only come around if certain warriors are around, did the rest of us cease to exist because of a man or in some cases even a woman.

I sat with Ayguili the other night, and we talked of a few things, I gave my thoughts on various people and surprisingly enough we seem to have the same thoughts on many. I shared my thoughts on situations and what I felt of things, I could tell by his expression he was surprised. But, I am honest in what I think and feel. Now, I did give him some advice on one particular situation, life is to short to not reach out and grasp and explore what may or may not be something that is life changing and binding, no matter what he does or does not do on a daily basis, he will not make everyone happy and in truth it is not up to him to make others happy it is up to them, everyone must step up and take responsibility for their own lives and not worry so much about what he is doing on a personal level, it is not up to anyone to approve or disapprove, he must and should follow the dictates of his heart. He does not need to deny himself of what he wants as a man just because he is an Ubar. Although there are some things to take into consideration. I hope in some way I have helped, we have discussed various things that need to be done in regards to the prospects, I will help in any way that he may need me to, but some of the things he has suggested, it will have to come from him these thoughts, because I know all to well, that very few listen to me and they will disregard it unless he speaks of it. I enjoyed the company and the thoughts that we have shared, he is a valued friend, and I hope that we enjoy more of those talks. He has stepped into himself far better than even he realizes. He is not lead around the nose by slaves and women or even by men, he is capable of seeing things for himself and making a decision and following thru with it.
He can be pretty blunt and honest, and reaches right thru the chaos that some like to create, it is refreshing to see that, and I value the honest truth. I did not speak to him on my thoughts regarding a few other things that concerned me only because I am not yet sure what I think of them yet or if they have any importance, I will see what is revealed and if it needs to be talked of then I will do so.

Then there is Sorrel the prospect, I swear I think her mind has to be warped from the cities or when she was born someone dropped her on her head, she thinks she fears nothing and no one, now at 16 most teenagers are afraid of their own shadows, and they have a way about them that you know they are clearly young and learning, and yet they have a way that reveals they are learning to assert their independence and learning of who they are. But not this one, she talks in a way that makes my head hurt, there is no logic to it and her sense of entitlement is grating on the nerves, she thinks she knows everything and can fear nothing, how much does she really think she knows of life, good skies, the way she acts you would think she is a woman of over forty turnings and not some wet behind the ears kid. She does not think, she has no depth to her and her words and actions vacillate from this demure timid girl she thinks you want her to be when she is reprimanded to a smart mouth rude child when she thinks she is so smart, she tosses words about like a rabid sleen. I am not impressed, in fact I would like to take her and beat her within an inch of her life to show her just how idiotic she is seen by many, she does not know herself, she is to busy trying to give this persona and that persona and various impressions and speak like she is wise and in fact she has only shown how immature she really is. But I have yet to say much other than a few things to remind her of some things, by her words and reactions you have to think that you did something that shattered her heart and soul when in truth I and others have yet to really begin to teach her or even torment her.

I was sitting at the fires when Ayguili joined us, and by his expression he did not look very pleased and then he had her kneel before him and asked if she went into his wagon and took his laundry, well, now this got my attention, she said she did not go in, but she sent a slave in to get his laundry. Oh good skies above I could not believe she had the audacity to send a slave into Ayguili's wagons and fetch his laundry for her to do, no free woman does an warriors laundry that is not her mate or family. Especially when it is an unmated warrior or the Ubar, she dared to disrespect him in such a fashion by going into his private wagons, now that just made her look slavish. She speaks of not wanting a mate, but her own actions revealed her need and want of the man. Yet another that only thinks with hormones, I begin to wonder if maybe she is courting the proverbial collar. She got flippant when she was called a dweller and she up and walked away from the Ubar when he was not done with her. She was not making headway with proving herself.

What happened to prospects proving themselves. Do they forget it is not about men. That being accepted is showing your worth, she forgets at any given moment any one of us can kill her. She is not part of the tribe she is seen as a dweller no matter how much she wants to deny it, her own actions and words reveal she is just that. She thinks that she can decide when I will teach her, she is in for a rude awakening, there is no way she has all that laundry down in one day or night, it would take at least two hands, does she realize how much laundry that is to do. Come on now, Fonce commands a thousand men, do the math. Brain cells not synapsing? Or just plain stupid? I will let fate decide that one.

Nope, I am not impressed. Its been a while since one was this bad. I began to wonder if she was truly Kaeli's daughter. Maybe an imposter? I could hope couldn't I.

Ayguili has placed her in my hands to teach her, she thinks it will be easy she thinks she wont know fear, think again. I never teach late at night and I don't teach on the terms of others, when I teach, you must be willing to work hard, be diligent and sincere. And you will make the effort to learn and not try to come about when you know that it is the time for a person to enter the world of slumber, and if she thinks she can just disappear and then show up at her convience she will be a prospect a very long time.

I have a feeling she will be walking a long hard path and her mouth will get her into trouble.

Within a bad day.. rewards can be found

There hangs in the air a freshness of fragrance that speaks of the awakening dawn that is yet to come but the hint of promise of what may be revealed, there is a warmth that envelopes and surrounds me in the winds as if someone is standing behind me to wrap their arms about me, for a moment I could lose myself in that feeling. I push back the desire to do such as I draw in a slow breath and release it while I listen to the song of the plains play in a perfect symphonic melody that draws me and calls me.

It is out here sitting in the grasses with my eyes closed that I reground myself, and just breathe in all that is around me, I can easily slip in to a deep meditative state with little thought or effort, this morning I was not seeking a deep state of being, I was merely seeking to feel the plains around me, maybe I was seeking comfort or strength, maybe both, or I could just want to hear what it was that was needed to hear. Sometimes I can get a lot of information for the plains she can be very loud and concise in her demands and other times like this morning, it is a gentle nudge and whisper that floats about my senses, almost as if she were trying to heal me. Strengthen me and energize me.

I have been up for many ahns, sleep is not a companion to me, it is often interrupted, broken and chaotic, much like me, it is the quiet of the night that hones in that sense of loneliness that has become like a familiar cloak, it is harder to wear it than I would like, I remember in my twenties it was easy, when Teran nearly broke me it was easy to walk away from everything and be alone, I had no trouble with it, in fact I enjoyed it. Maybe it was a time of healing that made it so easy to just want the isolation. Or maybe because at that time it was easy to not care, I have tried not to care about anything or anyone, it is not a path easily retraced at this stage in my life. There are times I wish that it was. Maybe my own feelings would not get hurt if I did not care and maybe I would not be so disappointed in people, I will have to work on this hardening of my heart once more. Everything was so much easier then.


Now it is such a struggle to get thru the day, though I doubt any one really realizes it, a few pick up on the fact that I hide much of what I feel or think. But it is only a glimpse of how much is truly deep within me, a well of untapped emotion and thought, a reservoir of feeling and dreams that are forever corked and subdued, I can easily paste on a smile and laugh, I can go thru the various emotions, but they mask what I really feel. I am quite adept and skilled at this illusion, so much so, that no one realizes how hard it has been since the death of Garyx, no one sees the vulnerable side, no one sees the tears that fall every night when I try to sleep, and when I do sleep it is for only short periods of time, and the dreams and visions that float around me and within me, say so much and reveal so much, and yet they reveal nothing. It dawned on me a few ahns ago, that no one asked if I was doing alright after his death, other than Cana, there was no one there to talk to about it. I watch the fuss over others for the same or even less and I have to wonder is it because no one cares enough to do the same or is it assumed that I am fine and alright. I am strong and all is good, strange in a way. There would be no need for help with raising young warriors or even getting thru the daily grind of life. Cana was one of the few that knew that I am not as I always appear, I knew this when she sent the men to help me on the trail. I am thankful to her for in more ways than she will ever know.

I think today is one of those days that I am just in a dark slump and I feel lost,and delve into the realm of self pity, I do that once in a while.

The air has begun to clear of the heavy emotions of many, though I do not think it will be forgotten and some relationships are forever changed, trust has been broken and much more was revealed than anyone realizes.
I had gone out to help Seveya and Yamka with a bosk that was having trouble birthing,this happens more often than anyone realizes just like with women having a baby the risk for danger is there, many take it for granted about women giving birth, forgetting women can die. I think to my own mother who died giving birth to me, I can only imagine what my father must have felt at that time, because I have heard from the elders how much he loved her, I am glad that he has Chay now in his life, she has calmed that womanizing streak he had for a long time. I know that after she nearly died from the birth of their daughter, they have decided no more for a long time. I do not see the two of them often as they have been very busy on hunts, tracking and with various things in the tribe. I think he has come to enjoy this second chance he has been given with young children, and he is taking full advantage of it, he sure is not as hard on them as he was me and the others. Even Larl has commented on it.

Asria joined us and I had the women keep the bosk calm, while in truth there was little they could do, I felt each needed to feel that they were contributing and doing something important and they were, but in ways they have not yet learned of themselves. The bosk was born without any complications, and it was found to have the Ubars brand, a fortuitous sign I thought, but then I am a Spex signs are often obvious and some are not, to me it revealed that the way may be difficult but the rewards of life that are given and how it flourishes is worth all the labor put forth by all. That even the birth of the bosk was because we worked together and this to would apply to each other and the tribe. The Ubar works hard and labors harder than any really know, but his reward will be the tribe giving life, having life and being life. We are strong.. we survive.. He is a strong leader.. have faith and trust not only in him but also in each other.
This was my take on it. I am not sure if they understood what I was telling them, but maybe one day they would. I would take my leave of them and head towards my wagons. There was often much to keep me busy there, and I could often hide there and no one even realizes I am within them.

I needed to be alone for a short while. I needed to find a way to repress the emotions that were threatening to spill forth, I needed to find my peace and calm that I have had. It really does suck when life reminds you of many things... and not always in a warm fuzzy way. Today is one of my bad days.

The Ringing Ceremony... A new beginning

Cana and I had helped Seveya prepare for she had become like a daughter to us, it was with pride and joy that we had placed the feather and shell into her hair, for each meant something, the herlift feather was for strength and guidance, and the shell was a symbol of a changing woman. The skirt she wore held all the hard work of her own hands and also the thoughts of each woman of the tribe,for each one had placed a part of them selves in it, each design was of the woman herself.

For the last four days an area by the stream has been prepared, colorful furs lay on the ground to form a large circle where every one will be sitting after the ring is placed. Within the stream itself ,the fire mirrored on its clear surface, offering its grace and blessing upon those gathered. When Seveya walked from her wagon she would move thru the two lines of women that had formed, each woman was dressed in their best clothing, this forms a trail in which she walked, as she passes she would have seen that each one is holding a colorful bowl to represent all the colors of the plains, within these bowls burns herbs that are not strong and not overpowering, just enough to provide the perfect ambience of mystery and wonderment as the light fragrant smoke drifts along the pathway to create a haze that obscured and yet hinted at what lay ahead of her, each woman will lightly brush her with a single feather, the closer she draws to the stream in an area that she has never explored she will find a pathway formed with a few torches inserted into the ground, only enough to cast a dim light, The air would carry a beautiful, almost haunting melody as all the women harmonized to bring forth a song that would bring a sense of comfort and warmth to surround her as if she were entombed within the womb, safe, warm and secure, with each step taken the more narrow the path would become as if guiding her thru a birth canal, the songs spoke of love, peace, prosperity and fertility.

Seveya would come to a stop when she nears a large hide that is being held by two women, one was very old,yet her eyes still shimmered with wisdom and a love of life the other was young and unringed, her eyes held the innocence and the hope of what awaits her in life, for a moment the culmination of these three women would represent the three stages of womanhood and life that all women pass thru. The hide was deep black on one side and deep red on the other, in the middle was a slit down the middle. One of the women would motion for her to stop.

Asria would then speak the following words. " Within this sacred place we present you as a woman to the skies. We ask for blessings upon this ceremony, celebrating your transition from childhood to young adulthood." She would then stand beside her and place one hand under her elbow and guide her towards Yamka.
Yamka would then guide Seveya to the hide and gently push her thru, representing the labor of rebirth, this allows Seveya to emerge on the other side as if she had been gliding thru the birth canal as a child and thru labor and love was born as a young woman. On the other side everyone would be waiting. Asria and Yamka after assisting Seveya will walk to the other side of the hide and stand with all the women gathered. It would be here that Dash approaches Seveya and speaks to her, "Are you ready to dedicate yourself to the world of a woman. To step into the embrace of sisterhood and commit to the bonds the make you a part of each and everyone of us, will you give of yourself as others give to you. Are you willing to treat every man as your brother, and every woman as your sister for they are by the hand of the sky."

Seveya answered that she was ready. And that she was willing, after she answered Dash would then turn and light one of the candles on the altar.

It was then that Mezoo stepped forth and lifted the bowl that contained the oil, and mixed with it was some water and flower petals, she would lightly anoint Seveya, and then she would offer the following words to her, "Thru this ceremony you have proclaimed that you are ready to be a young adult woman. Welcome our sister to the journey of life, of knowledge and of love. Henceforth, you will be seen as a beautiful, young adult woman of the tribe. Slowly Mezoo would turn and light the second of three candles.

Cana then will come forth, and I moved beside her to hold tray that had been specially prepared , upon it lay a mosaic cloth of color, which rested the ring that was given to her to wear when she was pierced, next to it lies the needle, antiseptic and salve. Cana picked up the needle and the air was held with good natured teasing. Cana was skilled at piercing's and she quickly pushed it thru, it was funny to hear Dash say it was crooked, from which a new onset of comments had been made, I found it funny and it did lighten up the tension that Seveya was feeling, I think she found it was not as bad as she thought it would be.

I then drew the women around Seveya in a circle, and then I would speak to her, " As you step onto this new path of life, know that you are a wonderful, powerful force, beautiful in every aspect. For you are now a part of a deep sacred bond of sisterhood, each of us is here for the other no matter what, each of us will lend a hand to lift you up when you fall, to support you when you feel the need for our strength, to make you laugh when you want to cry and to dry your tears when the need to cry has been a healing cathartic, we are all here for the other no matter what. This is a bond that no one and nothing can break or touch but yourself."
I would then turn and lift from the alter an arrow that has been painted white, tied to one end near the feather is a leather tie holding the colors of the sky,the grass,the bosk,the blood, the dirt and the water. Wrapped around the other end near the arrowhead is a piece of bosk hair, this was handed to Seveya. "See this arrow with the hair of a bosk I found, thru this arrow the bosk is joining our ceremony and is offering its hair to this young woman. No matter what comes in life, may nothing stand over this woman that is not sacred because she reaches from the plains to the sky and touches all that is. " When I was finished I hugged her gently and spoke softly to her, then released her so that Can could come along side her and together we presented her to the others, "May all welcome and embrace our newest sister."

Afterwards we went to the main fires to celebrate, I did make a stop at my wagon to change into my usual attire of leathers and a vest. Then I made my way and sat for a while listening to the others celebrate, and give gifts to everyone, I had my own to give for various reasons, a thank you for specific reasons, Seveya passed out the stones to everyone, I keep mine in my personal wagon next to other sentimental things I have placed in various places. Who would believe I am actually a sappy, sentimental fool.

The night for her was beautiful and she glowed, I am so glad that all went well, I was a bit worried, but everyone put aside anything they felt and made it special for her, almost everyone, I am disappointed in one, but it is my thought everyone makes a choice. And nothing could have made me spoil this night for a young woman, it is only once she walks thru this milestone of life.

In preparation of the ceremony.. thoughts linger. .

Everything had finally been completed for Seveya's ceremony, I had her a few nights ago gather stones and paint them, I had told her to paint them with whatever she felt should go on them, a color, a design anything. I did not tell her why. The reason I had her do this was she picked stones that captured her attention, they are of the plains and they have their own unique strength and character.She would be giving these to others after the ceremony, in a sense she was giving a part of herself to others, I am not sure how many would appreciate it or understand it, and it did not matter if they did or did not. It was the fact that she gave of herself for it that mattered.

As the evening neared for it to begin I had moved about and set up everything on the stone altar and lit the torches, all the women had been busy preparing various types of food for the ceremony, lots of black wine and paga for the men. I sat for a while at the main fires, I had requested that Seveya and Cana meet me at my wagons before the ceremony and also requested Mezoo also, I had a task for her to do and while it may not seem like much to others, for her it would have meaning, and I hope that she would understand. I was having her take the bowl of oil from my wagon to the altar. I knew by how she held it that she understood and I smiled to myself. I had my reasons for this just as I did for each part I gave various women.

Eventually I would bathe and dress, I slipped on a simple white skirt I had with a matching vest, I was brushing my hair out within the privacy of my wagon, I rarely wore a skirt and my thoughts lingered on the last time I did, and why I did, thankfully my thoughts were interrupted before I could get to lost in them and awaken things that are better left asleep. " Why Tarra such scandalous thoughts," those words were followed by a laugh from Bolormaa. I looked to her and I swear I felt about ten times warmer than I should. "Wouldn't you like to know." I would toss back at her knowing full well she did not know what was in my mind, "From the expression you had, yes I would, and I bet it has to do with a man." I knew I could not school my expression or my eyes fast enough to deny what she said, and she would give a knowing laugh, she wasn't using any skill of a spex just the simple power of observation. "You should have those thoughts more often it is rather becoming," I tossed a pillow at her. To which she only laughed, "Such thoughts have no place in my life right now." I stated trying to redirect my focus and she was not helping as she sat behind me and began to braid my hair. " Such nonsense my dear one, there is always a place for such and you need to remember what you would tell others. You are allowed to look again and live again completely " She would gently chide me. I merely shook my head, "That is for the young I have had my chance for such things. I cannot go thru it again," I would whisper, no one knew of the tears I cried in the dark of the night from the pain and heartache that was there. No one knew just how deeply I hurt, I hide things very well, to many I am fine, I am strong , I am able to take care of myself. But in truth, I am not fine, I am not strong and I am failing in many things in my own private arena of hell. But I will not reveal this to her or any one else, I simply will do what I need to do in order to get thru each day. I would be there to lend a helping hand or shoulder, to listen and guide, it was what I do and who I am. Each day I push back the fears of the night and reground myself so that I can be what I need to be. The needs of others, outweigh my own. And there were a few I was concerned with at the moment and one I was worried of. These women I have grown to care of and I tend to be protective of those I care of. And at the moment things in the air were a grateful distraction to me.

Though each day gets a little easier.

I would listen as she spoke weaving the intricate braiding that was often worn by the elders of the clan, the beads creating a complex design. Once that was done I was surprised as she placed an array of herlit feathers along the side of my braid, and I lifted a brow, everyone knew I liked to keep things of myself simple, things around me simple. And I wished to remain understated because this was a night for Seveya. Bolormaa would just smile, "I know how you are, I knew you would not wear the headdress for this event, some like to be elaborate and flamboyant, you are like your mother and grandmother, you like to keep it simple and personal, but you are an elder and you must at times attire yourself in certain regalia as one." I nearly rolled my eyes at that but out of respect for her I did not, I knew the other elder women of the clan would each have something similar. I thanked her for my help and she teased me about the skirt,I told her not to get used to it, No one would be seeing it outside of the ceremony because I was changing before I went to the main fires. She threatened to send word to various warriors so that they could catch me in one. Now she was treading on thin ice. And that look in her eye meant she was up to something and that usually meant she had someone hoodwinked into being her cohort in crime.

Soon I was joined by Seveya, she looked absolutely beautiful and the skirt fit her perfectly enhancing her beauty and she was radiant as the excitement of what was coming danced about her, I had her sit with me and gave her a special drink I had prepared, what it was I did not reveal, only that it would help relax her for the night, I noticed the bone combs and smiled, as I touched one I knew who they belonged to and it was perfect for her to have her mother with us in spirit, I think she would be very proud of her this night, as we talked I placed a single feather in her hair for guidance and strength, Mezoo joined us and we sat and talked of various things, it was nice to sit and relax and enjoy the company of them. Cana also joined us and she placed a shell along her hair line to symbolize the change that was about to come forth. The air held laughter and comfort, an ease of conversation and companionship.

Soon I left them to go and gather many of the other women to take their places, Mezoo would place the bowl of oil on the altar, then she and Cana would ensure that the women had the sage lit in the bowls so that the air could hold the fragrance of it and let the smoke circulate to form a heavy mantle that obscured and revealed, the air held the songs of the women as they began to sing various songs, the drums would thunder in the night in rhythm with the songs, the singers would harmonize in the background, for this night it was the women that were in the forefront of things, it was them who would guide and nurture, it was the women who were the life givers, the strength beside and behind the men, women were the care givers and an integral part of the tribes life and heartbeat.

It was time. . .

A priceless gift

I had no idea what these two were up to but I had no doubt they were up to something, at least to me it was obvious. So I would wait for a few to see just what would be revealed as they both sat by me. Hallie looked at me and I could see this fake wounded look on her face, I knew it was fake because she could not hide the laughter in her eyes. "Mother." She said in such a serious tone. "Do you know what your son did to your daughter? " she would say as if she were so indignant about the whole thing. I decided to play along with this, "No, what did my son do?" All the while I heard this chuckle beside me from my youngest son. "He pushed me in the water." I gave her a look that was sort of incredulous that she would be upset over that, because they often push each other into the water. It was a game for all of my children to see if they could sneak up on each other without the other knowing about it.

"Now Hallie, why would you by upset over that ? " I asked. And she just tossed her head a bit as if getting ready to make a dramatic point. "Because he had help and he is not supposed to do it that way." She stated as a matter of fact. "Hallie, you are just upset because we got one up on you." My youngest son would counter back but it was the humor that made me suspicious, " Who helped you and why would you gang up on your sister." He would just grin, " Well, it went like this mother." he would state as she stand as if to show me what he did, the next thing I knew is I felt three pairs of hands behind me and the sensation of falling forward into that cold running water of the stream, given I was not expecting it for a moment it took my breath away and the water droplets would spray outward as I came up from beneath the surface and instantly my eyes landed on the three of them, to my surprise Arkus had a hand in this game they were playing, only this time it was not on each other but on me. And I did not suspect because they had been distracting my thoughts with what they were up to, away from the mood that had grasped me.

Wiping the water from my face as a shiver went thru me I walked towards the embankment, the hint of laughter that threatened to escape them was evident, though it was tempered with the look of that clearly said , we are in so much trouble. They were not sure if they were in trouble or if they were not, I thought to let them squirm as Arkus handed me a fur to wrap around me as the cold seeped into my skin and bones, Hallie had a bowl of black wine, oh they were prepared this trio of troublemakers. I sat down and pulled my boots off emptying them of the water, which also seemed to make my leathers heavy. Though I was laughing softly, how can you be mad at them. I knew what they were doing and they collectively breathed a sigh of relief as they sat down next to me.

"You were ready to explode and we thought to help you feel better." The youngest son stated, I looked at him thoughtfully as Hallie muttered about how sometimes he just creeps her out with how he knows things. I had to smile, he might be the image of Garyx but he was in many ways like me, but then again all of my children were a perfect blending of their parents. Each had what pulled them and chose the path they would walk and the clans they are of, not all of my children are of the spex clan. Nor would I expect them to be given that they also had the blood of their fathers, I have always encouraged them to be where they felt they belonged, now had I been mated to another spex then I am sure I may have had a few more that were of the clan. But I have never mated anyone of my clan not because I had no desire to but just because it never happened.

Arkus moved closer "We have something for you and before you argue with us and say no, you must promise to listen." Now that was a red flag what was it they had to say and why did I feel I was not going to like all of it. He held out a feather and upon it the ends had been dipped in purple and black and in various colors of the tribe and plains were designs created, I knew that they had used dyes more than likely borrowed from the scarring clan. "We love you mother and it is time to move on." The youngest son would say as he reached up to take the feather with the larl's tooth and I lifted my hand to stop him , "No. do not touch that." I would state softly and he moved my hand. " Father wants you to live life and enjoy it not hide from what may be there." I watched him thoughtfully, leave it to Garyx to talk to his son before he would come to me. My son would laugh as if he knew my thoughts, "He has come to you, you just are not ready to let go, and he needs you to." I would softly that would be so typical of Garyx to find a way to watch over me and push me in the direction he felt I needed to be on.

"We made this for you, not only did we each put something on it, but we went and asked others of the tribe to put something on it to. So that you have the strength and guidance of the tribe,the plains and your family," The youngest son would state as he removed the feather that Garyx gave me so long ago to have a part of me with him for strength and guidance. He took the larl tooth and tied it to the feather that held all the colors of the tribe and two braided pieces that were dyed purple and black with the same colored beads. " You are always there for us, when we are not the best that we can be and we cant find our way. You are always there reaching out when we cannot see clearly and when we stumble thru life. It is you we lean on, you keep us strong. You lift us up when we fall." I was surprised by the words from one so young and I felt my eyes water as I watched him speak from his heart, Arkus then spoke. " When we need you the most you are always there, you are there constantly, you are always there for me, you always come shining thru. When life brings us to our knees, you are always standing there beside us , you keep us standing tall, even when we are a burden, thru it all you never are weary, you never rest, You reach out and carry us. Never giving up on us." By the time they finished I could feel the tears trail along my cheeks, and they simply hugged me and cried with me.

I do not know how long we sat there together, but I realized what they were doing, and it touched my heart deeply, somewhere along the way I must have done something right with my children. I think we often wonder do we teach them enough, do we give them enough love, support and encouragement, to make them strong and smart. Do we nurture them enough and give them all the tools they need to make the right decisions or survive the harsh curves life throws. It is moments like this that we know that we did something right.

I would tie the feather in my hair letting it fall along the braid, the brilliant colors and designs meant much to me as much as the ones that touched it and put a part of themselves in it, as I know them they would have explained things very clearly and in simple direct terms.

Then I sent them off I needed to get out of my wet clothes and plan retribution for the pushing me in the water. And I needed to finish everything for Seveya's ringing ceremony.

Paths of deception. . .

Over the past few days I have written and burned several pages of this journal as I sit here and write of what I think and feel. I burned them because no matter how I wrote them I felt my temper rise flow out of me like a raging wave of fury and explode over the pages,splattering as if someone had taken a blade and severed an artery and the words would pulsate out in a glaringly bright viscous puddle, leaving behind a boldness of written letters that were expansive and caustic, it would almost shock me, but not quite. I knew then how truly upset I still was. There are many forms of anger and I have felt the gambit of them all at one point in my life or another. But this nipped and burned at me until my thoughts were discolored and blistered. I think if I could have spit fire I would have. In the end I release it the best I can but it will still simmer because that is how I am until I find away to let it go,I will let it go, but the aftermath will leave only a loss of respect and trust. These types of things reveal much about people, their motivations and intentions with a clarity that even they do not see or understand. But they are tribe which means something, but the warmth, the trust will be replaced with a politeness that is somewhat cooler, until that trust is earned back if ever it is. That is how I am, I feel everything with a passion that is often underestimated and misunderstood. To me honor and loyalty means much, your word means much and to bandy it about as if it had no meaning, just makes me realize that such things are not valued by some. And it burns me and I control my temper because I know what happens when I let go of the elements that reside within me, had I let loose a few would not be standing now. And that is a simple fact.

Its another one of those days that I really miss Garyx more than I usually do, as I write I can feel the need to stand in front of him and just let it all out. I wish he was here for me to talk to right now, to vent and say exactly what I feel and think without fear of retribution, simply because he was one of the few that knew, if you let me get it out , no matter how mixed up or harsh it sounded when I spoke, that once it was out then I could think with my usual clarity of vision and logic. He knew that once I was wound up and it came out in a flurry of thought and words it would be that way, he had come to understand many of my ways some of the strange quirks I had or things that simply were a part of me. And no matter how I said it or what I said, he listened, knowing once it was out I would be able to listen and talk. I do not have that any more, and chances are very slim in finding such again, but I cannot dwell on what is lost I can only try to move onward in life, it is a reality that I only have me, too many get upset or misunderstand me when I try to let things out. Or they do not really listen. Now I can only keep the thoughts that are deeply felt or the hurt that is painful on a deep level deep down inside me, pushing them deep down and placing brick walls around each thing.


So I sat back for a while to collect my thoughts working on some arrows that I had started to make before I began work on the area for Seveya's ceremony, I was thinking of teaching some of the others how to notch the feathers and shoot the arrows, I have various targets set up form my youngest son and occasionally others who just want to have a friendly wager. This allowed me to put a lid on the emotions that bubble beneath the surface and when I could think rationally I would once more try to put my words down.

Beneath the cover of anger there is also a sense of great disappointment that carries a depth to it that I cannot explain. I have not felt it this strong and deep in a very long time. I could say it started with when Fonce brought Asria to Ayguili's wagons and stated he would chain her there as requested, but that would be wrong, it has been something that has been slowly stirred and cultivated lately, I am not sure why, but whatever the agenda I can assure those that have created this ripple with harmful intent will find that it will not work,and that it will reflect back on them three fold, it is the way of things. What you do good and bad is returned in all things and with all people. I am aware of much, as much as I am vocal about much, I am also quiet of much, nothing escapes my notice no matter how minute, even when you think I am not paying attention . What I have seen being done is not the tuchuk way, it is the way of osts spitting out venom to cause hurt and pain, it is the way of vermin to be so spiteful and mean, and I have no time for it. Nor do I want it to touch me so I step around the acidic, poisonous liquid that flows about.

As much as what was going on stunned me I would however listen, and try to have an open mind and not let my outside voice get away from me, as I have never really tamed it. Nothing could prepare me for what unfolded just when I thought very little could surprise me of people and life, I was very much surprised by this, surely I heard this wrong, I wondered if the two men had lost their damn fool minds for a moment. I saw the fear that raced thru Asria to reflect in her eyes I saw the turmoil that coiled around her like a hith. This was not good, they were serious. Which meant all of this could get very bad really fast. Why in the name of the skies would you want to chain her, I had not heard of anything she had done wrong and I would have heard of a hint of something. There are very few secrets on the plains. I said nothing at first just listened to see what was going on, and the more I listened to Fonce and Ayguili the more I felt this storm brewing within me, whirling about in a churning funnel of disbelief that anyone would spout such lies. Who would make such idiotic accusations, I could think of some that I would believe it of, but come on, this was beyond deceitful and mean. I could feel the rise of emotions within the camp.
I watched for a moment as Cana walked over and gave her thoughts before she would move to stand by Asria offering to be chained in her place for she to had been at Fonce's wagon, I heard Fonce groan, well he would have to find another groan within him because I stood up and walked to the other side of her and said the same thing he would have to chain me, and before I finished my words, there went that groan, which was followed by a third one as Mezoo also stood beside us. What was happening was wrong and we were not going to sit quietly and let it happen.

I was not sure if Ayguili knew what to think for a moment, he mentioned needing more chain and more wagons, along with about this being a serious situation and well I told him we were not taking it lightly and we were serious in where we stood and felt, thing is, I don't think anyone really knows of my deep fear of the chains, it is so bad that it can push me into that realm of hysteria followed by a catatonic state in which it is not easy to reach me, so for me to even offer such, is revealing more than anyone knows. It reveals that when I see a wrong being done and the truth obscured that I am willing to suffer one of my deepest fears to ensure that the truth is revealed. I told him we were serious. It is not often that you see such occur so openly or with such strength, but we do stand together when the need is there and in subtle ways on a daily basis that are often missed in the chaos of everyday life.

I am very protective of tribe this is a known fact I will fight you tooth and nail , I will draw blood and rip out your jugular for amusement because I can when I think you are harming one or doing something wrong, I will also stand by and fight with and for my friends as well with the same passionate ferocity, I am one that gives all or nothing. There is that part of me that can turn cold and brutal in a heartbeat, it is lethal and fatal on many levels. Most never see it and the few that have are not among the living, so many do not know it is there and they do not have the common sense to be afraid. I control that part of me with an iron will, that is why most assumptions made of me are usually very wrong. Now if anyone thought they were or think they are going to break this tribe or split this tribe, they are most soundly and most pathetically disappointed, because all that has occurred is a show of strength and loyalty to each other. And you should never ever, disrespect the Ubar with tone, actions or words,thinking you are so knowledgeable, and so cute, because you only reveal stupidity and an ugliness that defies words. And never ever dishonor Fonce with insinuated accusations, words or tone because it only reveals how truly childish and mentally challenged you are. Now fortunately for Sef I am not a man, because I would have ripped him to shreds flaying his flesh from his body leaving only exposed muscle and blood, then I would have bathed him in a paste of salt, covered him in honey and left him naked over a red ant hill with wet leather ties to his wrists and ankles beneath the blazing sun of the plains. Or just simply rip his head from his shoulder and shove it so far up his ass that he would be able to see out the other end. I don't care how he back peddles and tries to step out of the big pile of shit he stepped into and created. He with his actions dishonored not only the Ubar but the second in command, he is damn lucky he only lost his command, others might have killed him. I know my father would have because things like that really piss him off.

Now the funny thing of all this is how he talks all big, and with confidence that what he said was right, he would dare say he would kill another tuchuk, last I knew even by today's ways, tuchuk do not kill tuchuk. But yet here he was threating to kill a young woman, heavy with child. Now that takes a man I tell you. I saw much in those moments,and it is not what many would think. While I never had a lot of respect for him to start with, he had some, but I have none for him now. He has shown once more his colors. The worst part of it all is, that he had no proof, he saw nothing, he never saw Asria in Fonce's wagons, he never saw her with Fonce in a way that would be questionable, he never saw her leave there and go there, if he had been at Fonce's wagons he would have seen that she was doing other things, duh, she is his ward, how hard is that to grasp. So he has based this on what others say. And yet I do not see him accusing others that have been there, I guess he is particular in when he decides to rely on the ways of the tribe, he better relearn them then because he is forgetting Asria is of the tribe, just of the outer wagons. So does that not make him look rather less than a man in front of all that were gathered.

He says one of his witnesses is Kaeli, and she sat there and backed him up, indicating that she had seen this, well now wait a minute, if she saw this she would have have to been at Fonce's wagons, and well how would she like it if her mate was told she was at Fonce's wagons doing who knows what, I don't imagine she would like it, so I lost respect for her in that moment, to sit there and attempt to solidify what Sef said, again without proof. To me that is equivalent to lying, and I have no room in my heart for liars, that is one of the worst things you can do in my eyes. And my eyes were opened on who is loyal to the tribe and who is true to the people and who is not and who is a fair weather friend. Oh, I saw much and it left a foul taste in my mouth. I never ever forget anything. The more this went on the more ticked I could feel myself getting, but I stayed quiet, stewing, but quiet.

After all this they both revealed that they heard this from Yamka, that she had come to the main fires and questioned them about the laws of being unmated and mated. Now this floored me, Yamka would do this to Asria? Why ?

And worse why would you believe something you had no proof on, well this did not go over well with the men in fact they very publicly let it be known that they believed someone who has shown to be a liar, it was getting worse with each passing ehn, the things said and felt, just wrapped about me and I felt myself floating in a bubble of anger and disbelief of those gathered about me. I began to suspect what this was all about and well it just unsettled me. Yamka was not there to speak for herself, I wonder what she will say in regards to this, it will be difficult for her to face this I think.

Cana and I took Asria to sit down to get her out of that vortex of accusations, and various emotions that were filling the air, it was not good for a pregnant woman to be upset like that. I do not think I have seen Ayguili this angered, but I have to give him credit, thru it all he kept his cool and calm, he asked some very pointed questions and he did not play with kid gloves, he pushed back and demanded answers. He did very well. I was impressed. Fonce also kept his temper under control although I could see it seethe and flow thru him,but he kept himself in check and also asked the same demanding questions. Both warriors handled themselves well.

There is so much I could say and think but it would take me all day to get it out. I saw Fonce take Asria towards his wagons, now had the situation not had been as intense and serious as it was I would have chuckled, I did however find amusement in the fact that he took her there in front of her accusers. But, then I find amusement in the strangest of places.

I left after a while, I had to get away from it all, I did not like how it clung to me or how it made me feel, I would go to the stream and sit there with my feet in the water letting it wash over the warm flesh, it would help sooth my thoughts and emotions, but it wouldn't cleanse away what was left to be clearly seen.

The skies often reveal much in unusual ways. I think we all got a lesson on much. I also think that those that assume that this will bring dissension and chaos, will find that we will go on as we do everyday. We are far stronger and bonded together than is thought, never underestimate this tribe, we may squabble , have disagreements and be vocal in many things, but that is the nature of family if we all got along all the time someone is lying and shallow. We grow, we expand and we flourish and those strands on the web of life are like the spiders web, very strong and flexible, tightly woven. When needed we stand as one, we act as one. Because we are Tuchuk and we know what that means. We are not the vermin of the cities,and having their ways does not a good tuchuk make, that has just been proven.

The quiet was broken as I heard my youngest son nearing and he sat next to me and leaned against me.

"You know father would kick your backside." Now I had to look at him and just chuckle, so like his father to come out with something to break the chain of emotions that would wrap about me. Though there is much I would not speak of with him, he is young and he is my son. Those are burdens I never place on my children.

Suddenly the air was shattered as Hallie joined us, "Don't be thinking because you are sitting by mother you are safe, I will tell her what you did."

I looked at the two curiously, and saw a hint of a smile from my youngest son,it was slightly painful for me to see, he was to much like his father in looks sometimes. Now I understood how my father must have felt with me, given he has told me how much like my mother I look.

But I did wonder just what happened between my two children, Hallie was all wet and had her temper up. No doubt he pulled some prank on her, the question was.. what did he do.?

Dweller, Tuchuk or Prospect?

The restrictions have been lifted, to which I am immensely grateful. It meant that I could once more ride and let the moxie of the wind glide over and around me, to become aware of the variances of the sounds that would dance with glee over the plains. I took advantage of this, however, I did restrict myself from going as far as I often did, for we had been told to be still be cautious, and I for one was not one to abuse a privilege that was like a rare,priceless artifact to me.

Eventually I would return to the main camp and return to my own wagons, I have the hide that each of the women have worked on, Yamka has managed to procure me one of Seveya's skirts, I lay it out and carefully cut and shape all the pieces I have to create a skirt that is her size, here at the quiet of my wagon, I sew tight small seams to join the pieces of hide that Seveya herself has painted upon, creating a unique and special skirt for her ceremony.

I take a break from this and move to mix some of the herbs I have had seeping for a few days, various flowers have been added to them. I think about last night, it was not exactly an entirely pleasant night but it was interesting. When I went to the fires there was a strange woman walking about, I asked her who she was, she was a stranger to me. She said she was Kaeli's daughter, I would nod in acknowledgement of that but did not call her by name, she is to me prospect, that is the way it is. I did not give her my name that is my right as a tuchuk free woman, though I am not a man, I still feel you must earn the right to call me by name. I am funny like that, do I expect that of others, no I do not, it is something that is part of me and what makes me, simply me. She gave some rhetoric of why she was here, now I have heard more than once that life is the answer to the question, so much so that now it is a rehearsed answer that all give, this is not what it means to prove why you would be tribe or why you should be trusted, those that have lived in cities have it harder, harder than anyone because essentially you have lost who and what you are, now some will deny this is true, but if you willingly leave the plains what is it you seek, what is out there that you think is better than the teachings of the plains, what is it that you think is so superior to the people of the plains, I do not agree to send an adult to the cities to learn much less a child, it is not something I would ever consider, but I do not judge those that do. Each has what they think is important. I have what I think is, but in my mind there is no greater teacher, no tougher teacher than the plains, and the plains will give you rewards beyond your wildest dreams, and the sky will give you experience and knowledge that can never be understood by those that do not have their heart beat connected to the plains and to the people.

Do I envy her what she will have to prove and endure,no I do not, I have tread that path, do I envy Kaeli having to watch and endure it, no, I do not, although I can empathize, but it does not change the way of things, I watched as the young girl interacted with others, I think she is trying to act more mature than she is and give the perception of being older, but she is still simply a child, a teenager, she should embrace and enjoy that, I watched her with Ayguili,and yet at the same time I was observing Ayguili and how he handled this situation. It is not an easy position to be in, he is both Ubar and friend to some, this line can sometimes get distorted and cause decisions to be made that would be less than right, or show favoritism, he will have this same spotlight when it comes to another from what I have seen and heard, but I noticed in his questioning of her and his words to others that he was able to separate the two. He was able to separate that Kaeli was a friend and he was able to separate this was her daughter, he had to act and be decisive as an Ubar, some may be unhappy, but from what I saw and heard, he was able to balance this burden and do what he felt is right for the tribe, and is that not what he is supposed to do? Will we always like or agree, probably not, but in the end if we are honest we can see the truth of things. Will he falter at times, more than likely, but that is what we are her for as a people to support him as he does us, to guide him as he does us, it is a partnership not a dictatorship,however, we should never loose sight of the fact that what he says is law, he is the Ubar, so far I see a warrior standing tall and proud within himself and of who he is. That does not mean he is out of the sleen house.

I saw and listened to the influx of emotions that would rise and fall, the frustrations and other emotions. It was to me as if watching an array of color spike and explode before my eyes. He made it clear she had to prove herself as if she were an outsider, the rationale I understood, she was not known to the tribe, and references to people of the past has no bearing on the here and now, I have seen some claim to be tribe and I knew for a fact that Trajen had banned them yet those that knew the same truths said otherwise. So do I pay attention to references of certain people of the past, not any more, we live in the here and now, not the past. I understood the rationale of words spoken. It is not easy to watch you daughter have to walk the gauntlet,in fact it is very hard, you want to step in and protect her, you want to guide her but you know you cant. It is a double edged sword.

Eventually it got on my last nerve, the constant bantering of why, the same rehearsed words over and over became like a thorn in my foot that I had to pull out so I did what I do best, I opened my mouth and said enough. I don't care who she is or where she was, I know all this already,the bottom line was, she was not tribe, she was a stranger to many, and she was not trusted because she has not lived here but in the luxury of a city, so for her to constantly say I was born here was irritating, this may be true it may not, it does not matter at the moment because she was not raised here, she has to relearn much, I don't care who her father was or whose blood runs in her veins, it means nothing to me, the only essential fact that has any importance is that she must earn her way. End of story. What is so damn hard about this. I reminded them of how easy they each had it,they had to do very little compared to what I went thru, what Cana went thru and what my own children went thru.
We had tasks from various people, we endured harsh taunting and tormenting, and we had to be voted in by the tribe, so for all this to be going on was just beyond ridiculous in my mind and it was just going on to long. What she has to learn is her own voice, find out who she is and what she wants, can you go from being in the city and be a part of the plains, it can be done, it is harder if you never kept a part of the plains with you or kept your ways. No matter where I lived, I had the dirt of the plains with me,I created something that always held the flow of water, I kept many of my ways, but still when I returned, was it difficult, it was, in fact it was very difficult to readjust back, you don't just simply return and be at one with everything, it takes work, a lot of hard work, but if you are true to you, true to the plains, and true to tribe it can be done.

Thank the skies everyone seemed to settle for a bit, Yamka and Seveya I had to remind them with a mild form of less than gentle nudge that you do not call a warrior by name in front of strangers. This brought on a question on Seveya 's uncle, would he also have to prove himself, Ayguili answered but I could see the perplexed expressions and thoughts rising upward, so I asked him to clarify,he advised that he was a prospect he would earn his place at the first wagons, I understood this, that was all I needed to know. This lead to a discussion between Kaeli and Ayguili over Mezoo, I winced inwardly, as here went this dicussion once more, various thoughts were shared in regards to this, and each made their thoughts known. I am not sure exactly that it ended all that well.

Seveya and Yamka had gone to the stream, I gave them a task for me, I would not tell them why but they would soon learn why. I always have a rationale for everything I do, the stones will have meaning, and in a few days she will see why. The sleen man joined us, I do not think he will ever lose that name, as all settled and the light bantering began, somehow we ended up on the discussions of kailla again, and of course how he told us of how big his was and he named him Danger, now the expression on his face was priceless, he did not remember telling us of naming it. So once more the conversation was filled with double meaning. Then he had to add about being more comfortable around sleen because they were more predictable and we had to educate him on the benefits of unpredictable, he asked if I was predictable, general consensus was no I wasn't, but then see I am far more dangerous, I bite. Well this lead to another interesting discussion. There was much laughter and exchanges of thoughts and a sharing of each other, it was good to laugh and share time with everyone at the fires. Laughter is the best medicine in life.

Of course he wanted to know things of us because we knew things of him, his question was not easily answered, what are we proud of. Good skies there is so much I could have put into that, I answered but it was only a short version. He asked for us to share what we would of ourselves, well that one I got out of as the discussion became sidetracked once more. I much prefer specific questions so I know what to share, some things of me come out accidentally, sometimes I don't think of things because well how do you share things of yourself just out of the blue, I think some things I would not share in such a public place, I do have some pride and some secrets are best left just that.

I had to leave to complete some work, I wagered that my kailla was faster than his. We shall see if he can handle it as he claims.

I have scared the poor year keeper. So what chance do you think the poor sleen man has.