Dweller, Tuchuk or Prospect?

The restrictions have been lifted, to which I am immensely grateful. It meant that I could once more ride and let the moxie of the wind glide over and around me, to become aware of the variances of the sounds that would dance with glee over the plains. I took advantage of this, however, I did restrict myself from going as far as I often did, for we had been told to be still be cautious, and I for one was not one to abuse a privilege that was like a rare,priceless artifact to me.

Eventually I would return to the main camp and return to my own wagons, I have the hide that each of the women have worked on, Yamka has managed to procure me one of Seveya's skirts, I lay it out and carefully cut and shape all the pieces I have to create a skirt that is her size, here at the quiet of my wagon, I sew tight small seams to join the pieces of hide that Seveya herself has painted upon, creating a unique and special skirt for her ceremony.

I take a break from this and move to mix some of the herbs I have had seeping for a few days, various flowers have been added to them. I think about last night, it was not exactly an entirely pleasant night but it was interesting. When I went to the fires there was a strange woman walking about, I asked her who she was, she was a stranger to me. She said she was Kaeli's daughter, I would nod in acknowledgement of that but did not call her by name, she is to me prospect, that is the way it is. I did not give her my name that is my right as a tuchuk free woman, though I am not a man, I still feel you must earn the right to call me by name. I am funny like that, do I expect that of others, no I do not, it is something that is part of me and what makes me, simply me. She gave some rhetoric of why she was here, now I have heard more than once that life is the answer to the question, so much so that now it is a rehearsed answer that all give, this is not what it means to prove why you would be tribe or why you should be trusted, those that have lived in cities have it harder, harder than anyone because essentially you have lost who and what you are, now some will deny this is true, but if you willingly leave the plains what is it you seek, what is out there that you think is better than the teachings of the plains, what is it that you think is so superior to the people of the plains, I do not agree to send an adult to the cities to learn much less a child, it is not something I would ever consider, but I do not judge those that do. Each has what they think is important. I have what I think is, but in my mind there is no greater teacher, no tougher teacher than the plains, and the plains will give you rewards beyond your wildest dreams, and the sky will give you experience and knowledge that can never be understood by those that do not have their heart beat connected to the plains and to the people.

Do I envy her what she will have to prove and endure,no I do not, I have tread that path, do I envy Kaeli having to watch and endure it, no, I do not, although I can empathize, but it does not change the way of things, I watched as the young girl interacted with others, I think she is trying to act more mature than she is and give the perception of being older, but she is still simply a child, a teenager, she should embrace and enjoy that, I watched her with Ayguili,and yet at the same time I was observing Ayguili and how he handled this situation. It is not an easy position to be in, he is both Ubar and friend to some, this line can sometimes get distorted and cause decisions to be made that would be less than right, or show favoritism, he will have this same spotlight when it comes to another from what I have seen and heard, but I noticed in his questioning of her and his words to others that he was able to separate the two. He was able to separate that Kaeli was a friend and he was able to separate this was her daughter, he had to act and be decisive as an Ubar, some may be unhappy, but from what I saw and heard, he was able to balance this burden and do what he felt is right for the tribe, and is that not what he is supposed to do? Will we always like or agree, probably not, but in the end if we are honest we can see the truth of things. Will he falter at times, more than likely, but that is what we are her for as a people to support him as he does us, to guide him as he does us, it is a partnership not a dictatorship,however, we should never loose sight of the fact that what he says is law, he is the Ubar, so far I see a warrior standing tall and proud within himself and of who he is. That does not mean he is out of the sleen house.

I saw and listened to the influx of emotions that would rise and fall, the frustrations and other emotions. It was to me as if watching an array of color spike and explode before my eyes. He made it clear she had to prove herself as if she were an outsider, the rationale I understood, she was not known to the tribe, and references to people of the past has no bearing on the here and now, I have seen some claim to be tribe and I knew for a fact that Trajen had banned them yet those that knew the same truths said otherwise. So do I pay attention to references of certain people of the past, not any more, we live in the here and now, not the past. I understood the rationale of words spoken. It is not easy to watch you daughter have to walk the gauntlet,in fact it is very hard, you want to step in and protect her, you want to guide her but you know you cant. It is a double edged sword.

Eventually it got on my last nerve, the constant bantering of why, the same rehearsed words over and over became like a thorn in my foot that I had to pull out so I did what I do best, I opened my mouth and said enough. I don't care who she is or where she was, I know all this already,the bottom line was, she was not tribe, she was a stranger to many, and she was not trusted because she has not lived here but in the luxury of a city, so for her to constantly say I was born here was irritating, this may be true it may not, it does not matter at the moment because she was not raised here, she has to relearn much, I don't care who her father was or whose blood runs in her veins, it means nothing to me, the only essential fact that has any importance is that she must earn her way. End of story. What is so damn hard about this. I reminded them of how easy they each had it,they had to do very little compared to what I went thru, what Cana went thru and what my own children went thru.
We had tasks from various people, we endured harsh taunting and tormenting, and we had to be voted in by the tribe, so for all this to be going on was just beyond ridiculous in my mind and it was just going on to long. What she has to learn is her own voice, find out who she is and what she wants, can you go from being in the city and be a part of the plains, it can be done, it is harder if you never kept a part of the plains with you or kept your ways. No matter where I lived, I had the dirt of the plains with me,I created something that always held the flow of water, I kept many of my ways, but still when I returned, was it difficult, it was, in fact it was very difficult to readjust back, you don't just simply return and be at one with everything, it takes work, a lot of hard work, but if you are true to you, true to the plains, and true to tribe it can be done.

Thank the skies everyone seemed to settle for a bit, Yamka and Seveya I had to remind them with a mild form of less than gentle nudge that you do not call a warrior by name in front of strangers. This brought on a question on Seveya 's uncle, would he also have to prove himself, Ayguili answered but I could see the perplexed expressions and thoughts rising upward, so I asked him to clarify,he advised that he was a prospect he would earn his place at the first wagons, I understood this, that was all I needed to know. This lead to a discussion between Kaeli and Ayguili over Mezoo, I winced inwardly, as here went this dicussion once more, various thoughts were shared in regards to this, and each made their thoughts known. I am not sure exactly that it ended all that well.

Seveya and Yamka had gone to the stream, I gave them a task for me, I would not tell them why but they would soon learn why. I always have a rationale for everything I do, the stones will have meaning, and in a few days she will see why. The sleen man joined us, I do not think he will ever lose that name, as all settled and the light bantering began, somehow we ended up on the discussions of kailla again, and of course how he told us of how big his was and he named him Danger, now the expression on his face was priceless, he did not remember telling us of naming it. So once more the conversation was filled with double meaning. Then he had to add about being more comfortable around sleen because they were more predictable and we had to educate him on the benefits of unpredictable, he asked if I was predictable, general consensus was no I wasn't, but then see I am far more dangerous, I bite. Well this lead to another interesting discussion. There was much laughter and exchanges of thoughts and a sharing of each other, it was good to laugh and share time with everyone at the fires. Laughter is the best medicine in life.

Of course he wanted to know things of us because we knew things of him, his question was not easily answered, what are we proud of. Good skies there is so much I could have put into that, I answered but it was only a short version. He asked for us to share what we would of ourselves, well that one I got out of as the discussion became sidetracked once more. I much prefer specific questions so I know what to share, some things of me come out accidentally, sometimes I don't think of things because well how do you share things of yourself just out of the blue, I think some things I would not share in such a public place, I do have some pride and some secrets are best left just that.

I had to leave to complete some work, I wagered that my kailla was faster than his. We shall see if he can handle it as he claims.

I have scared the poor year keeper. So what chance do you think the poor sleen man has.

To be a good tuchuk.. you have to do what?

It is a rare occasion that I take a moment to allow the child that still lives within me out, we all have one but as adults we push that aspect of ourselves. I am not sure why we do, whether it is because as adults there is much more we are responsible for that we forget about that part, or is it because we think it is immature and unseemly to allow it out. I think that there could be many reasons found for this.

For some reason today I allowed myself to indulge in touching that inner child, I had removed my boots and rolled up my leathers, stepping out into the water I would walk along the more shallow aspect and let my feet land on each stone, balancing and just enjoying the feel of the morning breeze around me, and the feel of the cold water as it danced over my feet and splashed about my ankles, I cannot recall the last time I did such,actually I can, it was back when Garyx had first arrived, he had joined me at the stream and he was the first to be able to startle me enough that I fell in the water, I think that is when we both realized that there was something that flowed between us for after that is when the path to entwine our lives began, my fingers lifted to touch the herlit feather and larl tooth. It is hard to let go of the things I feel, I do not think I will let another into my heart again like that, I may one day find another to be mated to, but I will not allow my heart to be captured and touched like that again, I could not go thru such a sorrow a third time. My days of having children are done, now I enjoy watching others have babies, and offer to watch them when they need a break.

I have come to terms with the fact that my life has taken a new turn, one that is much like how it began, alone. I have the comfort and joy of the people of the tribe, so I am not alone, I enjoy people and I enjoy the things I observe and of the things a few wish me to be a part of, being alone is more of the personal aspect of my life. I find it is less stressful also to not be searching for someone,or to be one of the ones that seeks a specific warrior and begin a race to see if I can capture him. I do however enjoy watching the life of the younger women as they begin to explore these things. Some will listen to advice some will not, some will trust you and some will not. Some will be honest and others will be less than honest in their intentions. some will smile as they hide a blade to insert in your back and others will be the ones to take it out and help heal the wound,some will fall prey to assumptions and thoughts because you do not agree with them or support things that are not our ways, others will be happy to rise above this and explore the differences and support that it makes us each unique. Some will continue to encourage that the ways of dwellers be allowed within the tribe, and yet many others will stand against this taint being allowed to pollute the minds of our young women and children. There are many things, emotions and thoughts that flow among the people on a daily basis,these are only a few that are a part of the circle of life, and life is an ongoing and ever changing.

I think on these things as I reach down to pick up a few smooth stones, I skipped them across the surface,as I just enjoyed the quiet, it was some time later that Yamka joined me and Fonce was seen walking down the stream, I pulled the child part of myself quickly within myself, out of habit as I do not allow certain parts of me to be seen publicly, and in place was once more the more known aspect,as I walked towards the embankment to sit, I thought of some things that I wanted to speak to Fonce of but as others drew near I did not, just because I am more of a private person as I sat at first I did not notice the bruise upon Yamka's face more than likely from the position I was in , when Fonce drew near, it became a focus of attention, now she tried to say she ran into a hand or something of that nature, now did she think we would buy into that?

Both Fonce and I asked who hit her, it was clear that was what happened, now I did not say much, Fonce was investigating in that way of his of what occurred. I was shocked to find out her father hit her with such force, I was further shocked by the reason. I am not sure I understand this, I can see punishment for a variety of things but this all over because she told them a warrior did not want her but instead wanted another, I guess I have never seen this before for such a reason . Parents are to support you, and soothe the emotions of the hurt you fear, guide you in advising that maybe he is not the one for you and that another that is perfect for you will come to you, but to deck you so hard to leave a bruise, I am just astounded, not even my father has done that and he has used a whip on me before, but when it came to the sensitive emotions of a first crush he always took the time to explain how a warrior thinks and feels when it comes to women. And even when I did the worst thing I could have, the day he lost his daughter and watched her choose a path that was clearly wrong but did so because of her heart he did not rant and rave, instead he held me and told me to follow what I felt was right no matter what. I did and the consequence was more than I could bear it was the one time in my life I felt broken, that I could not get up again.

Fonce remained calm but I could tell he was not happy, more so because she lied to her parents, she did not tell them who the warrior was and because she was hiding this from Ayguili. Now I knew the warrior she desires is Ayguili, I know the hurt and betrayal she is feeling because she shared these things, but I wasn't going to say anything. Fonce suggested she speak to her parents and be truthful and she is to go to Ayguili because he should know being she is under his care as part of the first wagons. He was right in what he said. But I still cant get my head around this, maybe because I am a woman, and maybe because I have never had a man physically hit me like that, even the scoundrels I had been mated to never did such. Other things yes, but that is a different story.

It was later in the evening that I was sitting with Yamka and Mezoo by the fires, I was listening to various things, I was in truth a bit tired so my focus was not where it should have been, we spoke of Seveyas ceremony, Yamka will get me a skirt of hers, so that I can use it as a guide, I thought that she should have a day of pampering, now I learned long ago as a spex that preparation for things is just as important as the ritual, for it is the mind set that makes an event special or just another day , now Mezoo does not agree, and that is alright, she has been taught different and has her own ways, I respect that, I also know she is young and has not yet seen the difference it can make. She will learn much as she grows, we are different but we have similar ways,she will develop her own ways, it does not change how we are as a people, for we each have different ways in everything.

I had left to try and rest which was fruitless ,my head was filled with to many things, I was finishing up the last aspects of Seveyas ceremony, I have some concerns that I need to speak to her of. I need to ensure that she is ready, she like others has her focus on a man, she needs to focus on making tribe. I think I do not understand the young, when I was growing up it was important to prove ourselves to the tribe, to the clan and then worry of warriors. When I returned to the fires I found Cana and I was sitting with her for a while, I could see she was tired, I hugged her gently, I knew what she was doing, its my trick, it doesn't work and she is realizing this, I know she is worried about the length of time Ba'atar has been gone, but in her heart he still lives, I assured her she would know if he was not, and I still felt his heart beating with everyone else's when I stand out in the plains. She knew this but just needed the assurance.

We were joined by Mezoo, Asria and Yamka, I listened as Cana questioned them on various things. I had a few questions of my own but I did not ask them, I am not their mentor, it is not my place. So I said nothing, until Mezoo asked a question, now once more here is the touch of the dwellers this is beginning to become an ongoing theme and now it begins to concern me. She asked if in order to be a good tuchuk you had to leave the fires. Where in the name of skies did this come from, she shared where it came from and to say I was shocked beyond words would be an understatement.

Cana gave her the same thoughts I was thinking, it does not make you a good or better tuchuk to leave the plains. It does not make you close minded to not want to leave and explore the world beyond the plains. Yamka, Mezoo and Asria each also had thoughts, and from what I could see the dweller thing was not sitting well for the most part though I was surprised to see from one it seem to be something she would accept. Now I have my thoughts and I spoke them when I was asked, going to the cities does not make you open minded or a better tuchuk, nor does it gift you with anything so mind shattering and awe inspiring that you need to know it, personally I think you can learn more and be more here in the openness of the plains. I grow weary of all this dweller bosk shit and I see where it is coming from and why, and I am close to filleting a few from navel to nose with words they will not like. If you chose to embrace the ways of dwellers that is your choice, we each make one, but don't expect anyone else to want to do it or support it. If it means so much to you then perhaps you need to live in the city and not here, if you are here be a tuchuk, not a dweller chuk.

For a moment my head began to hurt and I missed something, when my thought focused once more I caught something about a dweller healer, and of Yamka asking if you would let your children go without help instead of letting a dweller touch them, to another, well now that is a question that would never need to be considered in my mind, there are how many of the healers clan that are about and every tuchuk has a basic teaching of first aid, so why would we need a dweller over a tuchuk, I would say I would not let one touch my child or myself, I would stitch myself up first before letting a dweller touch me,no matter what blood they claim, if you have not lived here you are not tribe , blood does not make you tribe you still have to prove yourself, and unlike those of the back wagons, those that return will have a harder time because to everyone here, they are a stranger. So until they prove themselves it is not even something I would entertain. But to think you will be accepted because you have blood well it is a simple fact, nothing more nothing less,that you must go thru the gauntlet as so many others, my brother has to prove himself, my children had to prove them selves, just as I did and so many others, I see what is happening and why, and I think some better rethink their ways and thoughts before they find themselves in a position they will not like.
As the discussion progressed I put together they were talking of Kaeli's daughter and her returning, I recall this being mentioned before, yes I know I missed something for a few moments, which is why I was quiet on it for the most part, content to listen, it was mentioned Kaeli's daughter is 14 had been training in the city, I knew this from Kaeli herself but I did not think she was that young, I was having a hard time following some of this, I did know this much, I have never seen her daughter, how could any of use when Kaeli herself had not lived with the tribe for a very long time, she returned to the plains as many others did and proved herself to make tribe, given some of the things I was listening to I had to ask, how would she train at such a young age, the green caste does not train a woman who has not had two children, she must wear a bracelet revealing she has no children,and any training give would be very limited, and they would not train a 14 year old, because they do not have the capacity to learn such complexities, hell the brain synapes are not even matured until approximately the twenty fifth turning of life, that is when things finally begin to smooth out and the wings of immaturity fall free, and the new onset of new beginning of maturity settles in. This is impossible surely someone has made a mistake in her age. I think I have been just a bit confused by everyone now. My brain began to hurt again.

Kaeli joined us not long after this discussion started, I listened to the words between Kaeli and Mezoo and the ones Cana also revealed, here and there I would input a thought or two. I listened to what was said and what was not said, it was brought forth my time in the city, and given the many,many turnings spent in them I do not support it, I do not recommend it, and because of it, I can say without a doubt that I think a tuchuk that has never left the plains is far better off than those that have, and no it does not make you better or more open minded to learning, I saw the perspective of things getting lost in the discussion, it is my thought that no matter where you go or do not go, it does not make you open minded or close minded to learning or seeing, it is within you if you wish to learn or not learn of life and all it offers, it is within you to be open or closed, you do not have to leave the plains to learn all these things. And it does not mean if you left that you know more or that you are better. That may or may not have been liked by some but it is how I think when it comes to the city. The other situations that are the catalyst for all this, that is something else my thoughts are not known nor will I reveal them in such a setting, I see some rough days coming for a few, I see high expectations that may be reduced in size. I see the preparations for validation being set in motion.

I see an abyss being created and a whirlpool being cast in motion. It is my hope that no one is exempt from what is our way. That there will be no favoritism to anyone to become tribe, because every single one of us had to work and prove ourselves, with one or two exceptions which were based on who you knew not what you knew and well they sure were not loyal to people or tribe, if there is be assured I will speak up on it.

The morning left a lot of thoughts and feelings in the air. My own kept within, it is times like this I wish my mate were alive so I could bounce things off of him, he would know how to listen and give me thoughts, but I know this is impossible, the thoughts will have to just bounce around in my head.

A fraction of a dweller's ways. . . Do you really want it?

I have finally taken everything out of my spex wagon, I have negotiated for one of the wagon builders, Algar to help me repair it, eventually I will need a new one, more than likely sooner than later from what he said, I understood this but for now I think just to repair it, I suppose I had a sentimental attachment to it, for it had been a gift from an old spex whose voice and teachings reach out to touch me, I had the most profound respect and awe of her. So I hesitate in replacing it, I would spend my days working on the small things that I could and not interfere with what they had been doing, I had negotiated a pretty fair trade with Algar for the work. Sometimes it is the bartering and wheeling and dealing that is half the fun.

I had spent a few ahns changing the color within it, not that you could see it once everything was back inside, but still I liked to have color about me even if there were only glimpses, and I was going to redo it and discard things that were so old that they had no effectiveness or use. I chose the color of the sky to be the dominant color, I felt that it relaxed me and allowed for me to use my abilities as needed. By the time I was done, I had an array of color over me, as I am not as good at painting as I am other things, but it was passable. And it had kept my mind and hands busy for a long time, I was hot ,sweaty and dirty and more than likely smelled stronger than a bosk. So I went to the stream to clean up in the spot I often seclude myself in, eventually making my way to the main fires.

As I walked I would glance out over the plains, I had been riding every night way out into the embrace of the plains, inhaling the sweet fragrance of the grass and feeling the wind whip about me, it was a way to release energy and allow myself to think without the intrusion of many voices, sometimes I would sit in the cover of the grasses, just watching the sky. However, since the disappearance of Leonette, I have curtailed going out so far from the camp, but I wanted to and I needed to.
Nearing the main fires I was surprised to see Kaeli chained to Ayguili's wagon. I was curious of this, and as I listened to them, I found out that there was a rule in effect that we were not to go past the herds during the day and we were not to leave the camp at night, well I did not know this, but I know it now and Ayguili he made sure that we understood this. Well, that puts a kink not only in my riding activities but also in my plan I was making.

I sat with them for a while, I was not sure why at first why there was talk of dwellers, but I have noticed lately this has been an ongoing thing lately, who is behind this and why is the question I have to ask, we are of the plains not the cities. And the ongoing dribble of how much we can learn from them is enough to make my head hurt.
Did no one learn from these things from the last time, they have no benefits to us that would be within who we are and what we believe. But that is my opinion, I have no use for them and I have lived among them and learned their rules and ways, I know their language and their writings. And no where at any time have I seen any that are of a benefit to us nor can we learn anything from them worthwhile. The only use they have is to trade for things we need. Again this is my personal belief. They are soft, lazy, selfish and do not value anything that does not benefit them, why would I expose my children to this? No I think not. Though I figure each to their own belief, some seem to find them fascinating. I find them about as fascinating as a sleen about to devour me for a meal.

Seems that Kaeli brought in a stray karian female, if I understood correctly, although I think I am somewhat confused on the whole thing, regardless I did not dwell on it, needless to say she was given to the sleens, from what Kaeli told me she was scrawny, well shoot, that means she was like a tooth pick for them to clean their teeth with, though I have to ask, how did she get from Kar to the plains? How did she survive the journey? The animals of the night would have killed them the first night out, most strange to my way of thinking, however I am glad I missed that, but I was disappointed they did not even save me a liver or the eyes, I will have to educate Ayguili on this so I can get these things.
I would have enjoyed torturing her myself because in my mind the only good karian is a dead one, out of all the dwellers they are the worst, I have lived in port kar the armpit of gor, it stinks and its people have no respect for themselves let alone each other, they have sunk into a realm of depravity that is not even the ways of Gor. Let alone be a place that tuchuk would wish to be in. Out of all the places I have lived that is the worst. And karians I hate them with a deep passion, they have tainted and destroyed three of my children, will I ever forgive those responsible, not in this life time. When I am betrayed I never, ever forget it, and I never forgive it. But I did not reveal these things other than they were worthless. I have never revealed things of a personal nature to many, only a few know bits and pieces and no one knows everything, not even Garyx knew everything and only because we did not have the time given to us to allow for it.

He had asked me if it was true that there were men in cities that had submitted to enslavement, and I had to tell him yes, in fact there were many in the cities that were not only silk slaves but pit slaves, some were owned by men and some by women, I think it surprised him a man would submit to a woman, well I advised him of why some women had these slaves, and that just shocked him, in truth I can understand why, now, I have to say given my status of being unmated, I have thought of having one, but in truth it was a momentary thought because well I am a woman with needs and desires, not just men suffer these things, the thing is I could not follow thru with such, I can not respect a man in a collar, because he is no longer a man,he is a male who has willingly submitted to enslavement. Now I have seen men who have been forced into enslavement but they fought it every inch of the way and fought for their freedom, that is a different story altogether so I do not include them in how I see an enslaved man. I do not like meek, mild men that can be ruled by just a flick of my hand, oh hell no. I would rather have the bold, arrogant pain in my ass tuchuk warriors any day. They have spirit, fire, life and they are far from being ruled by a woman, they value life, the plains and all that is important to us, as we are not materialistic, well for the most part there are a few even in the tribe of now, that are ruled by a woman.
Then I dropped the bombshell on him, I told him of the ones that are owned by men not just because they could fight but because some men enjoy furring anything that has a hole to get off on, I didn't put it that way but that is a fact because I have seen it, accidentally, and it is a visual that is just well one I would not rather have, but then there are couples that enjoy having a slave join them together in their furs. He left quickly I think that he did not expect his question to take him beyond a yes or no answer. Dwellers are a strange lot.

Glimpses of thought. . .

After preparing some black wine I headed down to the stream and found a place on the embankment that is comfortable and affords me the luxury of sinking my feet into the cold water, its fluid kiss touches my skin and instantly relaxes me and any thoughts that are troubled in my mind and heart. The warmth of the bowl seeps thru my flesh as if taking residence beneath the surface.

It is quiet, very few have gathered about to do whatever it is that may inspire them to be by the stream. As I drink the strong hot brew and let it glide down my throat to slowly heat the tissues and cells within my system. I can almost trace its flow, I think because my mind is still caught between the realms of sleep and wakefulness. I can not quite get myself to function. It is rare I take a moment to do nothing anymore . I am not even sure if I remember how to relax and savor the quiet moments of life when you indulge in doing nothing. Since the death of Garyx I know I have regressed to where I keep my mind and hands busy from before the sky can even awaken, until darkness once more shrouds the plains as the sky sleeps. I think I do more than I did before him. My youngest son he spends much of his time with children his age, and he likes to hang around Chulun to learn of things of life, of the plains and of what he is. His vibrant green eyes are so alive with life and a thirst for knowledge that at times it brings a great pain to my heart, he has his fathers expressions and smile, and those eyes, the exact duplicate of his father. That can take your breath away.

I spent some time here and there at the fires, but I find myself not there as often as I once was. The reasons varied, yet more than likely not understood. Assumptions often made, which are usually incorrect. Mezoo was speaking of elements at the main fires, I listened to what she would say, if she were to do or speak of clan things then I would have said something of it, but the elements are a part of every tuchuk, we each have a knowledge of them, those outside of the clan have a basic understanding, those of the clan hold a deeper knowledge and meaning of them of how we use them. As long as she followed to the ways that every Ubar and Clan leader has set, to not be doing spex things at the main fire, all is good, but if I see anything resembling rituals or such I will speak up this is something that we are steadfast in. Even Fonce long ago has spoken of this not being done.

I realized something in her words, she really had no understanding of the elements, and what they truly mean. I did not say anything of this for what purpose would it serve to correct her of some things that would only cause less than pleasant feelings. And I know how people can be, so instead I revealed that everyone gave a correct answer and in truth this was correct, each aspect of the water was something a part of it, Asria asks of the element of water, she wants Mezoo to teach her, now where are some things she cannot know, and also Mezoo herself is learning much so she cannot really teach much, but I hope she knows enough to be careful of how she that she answers what others ask. There are some things she can tell her of the elements but not the deeper more sacred meanings, that is for within the clan. What concerned me a bit was that she thought that wood and metal were elements, they are not. At least not in the sense that she was using, though I could see how she could see them as such, they are of a different type of element, just not the elemental elements, so I guided her thoughts in a different direction , to allow her to realize that the elements are Air,Fire,Water , Earth and Spirit. These are the elementals that are used in daily life by everyone in everything, much is associated with each, there is a deeper power to them that I saw was not understood by her but I would not elaborate as we were in public, some things are just not spoken of in public. I am concerned that the prospects are not revealing why they should be made part of the first wagons, I have heard of some disgruntlement that a few are favored and are not proving themselves. I listen and watch. I say nothing on these things. I have my opinions but they are just that. I have asked her to join me at my fires one night, I do this for a purpose. I do have to agree on some things there is a greater desire to have men than there is to be proving yourself worthy of tribe, I have seen this before, and the outcome.
It would be sad to see them made part of the first wagons when they have not shown why they should. I do have also agree on a few things, but I keep those within my own mind. For I have seen the direction of things and I am not so sure it is what is good for the tribe.

I was at the fires the night the warrior Karvek returned to the plains, it has been about 15 turnings since he has been on the plains. I had not recognized him at first, as well he was not one that had ever been that well known to me, so I had no extensive feelings other than he was a warrior on a mission. As he spoke at the fires his ways became more familiar to me once more and I felt the recognition begin to filter thru my mind, teasing the outer fringes of thought, but I was growing tired and did not linger long at the fires. In truth I had wondered if he would return, the question is would he remain. My father sent him on a mission long ago, I do not think he thought it would keep him away for so long. Although I did not know him well, I knew of him. I have seen him within the clan with the other elders. I do not think he was overly surprised to my words to him, he keeps much of himself close to himself, I recall that of him, but then I recognize it since I do the same. We shall see if I get to know him any better. Though somehow I will not hold my breath. I do not get the impression our paths will cross much. What a shame, I found him to be interesting. I have sent word to my father that he has returned.

His first time.. I don't want to know.. but I do.

I thought that Hallie was going to be the only one of my children that would seek me out today, but it seems Arkus needed to see me and talk to me. My children rarely come to me with anything that is paltry or minor. They tend to work things out in their head on their own, the reasons for this I am not yet sure, father chuckles and points out in that straight forward way of his, that I did the same thing as a child, I would never run to him with silly things, I would take care of it myself and find the solution or end up with a few scrapes and bruises over it until I did get the answer I sought. Well, he has a point there, a woman raised by a man does not suffer the softer, selfish, poor me syndrome, nor does a woman raised by a man seek to have others fix every little problem in life for them. I was not spoiled in fact the opposite, he has hard on me and harsh with me at times, I got the same sort of treatment many of his men did, but then again, I got to do things many women did not, simply because who my father was and he was raising a girl,not a boy but he had a habit of forgetting that sometimes when it came to riding, hunting, making weapons, so many things I learned along side his men, in fact they all still think that I am this little girl that they need to watch over. Nothing worse than all of them thinking they are self appointed watch sleens.

He did remember it though when it came to the sacred things of men that women just did not do, you know like the scarring and other things men do, which I will never understand, and I am still traumatized from accidentally seeing a few things, and then there were the raids I always thought it was unfair I never got to go, I could do some of the things they did, but ohhh no, he wouldn't let me go , well there is one or two exceptions he did let me go on one, a small one, as a grown up I see he knew there was no danger there, but as a child I thought it was the greatest thing, I was going on a raid, the excitement of it was just everything to me, as I got all my weapons and my kaiila and other things, well, little did I know there was supposed to be more than I saw, there was not much fighting and well, damn now I am sort of disappointed in the fact it was a set up, but you have to give the man credit for thinking of something like that, which would bring me something more than I could have hoped for and yet kept me safe.

I admire my father not because of who he was to many people, not because of his conquests and the stories about him as a warrior and leader. I admire him as the man who raised his children alone, without a mate,and girls no less. And we did not turn out half bad, well we are all a bit unusual in some aspects.
So as I was thinking to this, here come Arkus, now he had this stride to him that clued me in that he felt he was the cock of the walk suddenly, which meant he just experienced something that just put him up in the clouds. I am sure I didn't want to know, a mother does not want to know certain things of their children. But that never stops mine, no they have to come and just share in their first experiences , thoughts and so many other things.

He stopped by me and he just smiled, I know he has been working hard with the scarring clan, he is a bit perturbed that his lessons have been interrupted and the reason, I assured him that things would once more return to a more calm path, the novelty of some things tends to make life at first ever changing rising and falling but eventually it calms and life flows once more, he just rolled his eyes. He was taking this time to help me with some of my wagons, he helped me brand all the bosk's I own including the one that my white one had fathered, I sometimes think to the night it had been born it was born at the same time the youngest son was born, I still recall Fonce speaking of it, it was a blessing in many ways, and that white male, he bears my brand as does the calf he gave to another female. I own more than a few, partially due to those that have been mated to me and also because of some good wagers I have made. He had also ensured that his fathers had been taken care of. But any way my mind wanders much this morning I do not seem to be focused, which is alright, sometimes it is good to let my mind wander.

"Mother," he would state, " I have found that you were right about things that can make a woman squirm and scream." Nothing like being right to the point, well, now I was not expecting that and I had to look at him strangely, I did not want to know details, no, no, no. A mother doesn't want to know these things, even if I did teach my children about sex and other things, that didn't mean I wanted to know when they had their first experience. Oh good skies, this is not a conversation I wanted to have. But I had no choice but to listen.

No wonder he was walking on air, what man would not be feeling as he was especially if he made a woman scream in pleasure, "Well, Arkus, that is a good thing." What in the name of the sky am I to say. I don't have a clue, this is a discussion he should have with a man, or more importantly with his father, but it wasn't his father who taught him these things. So I guess I can see why he has come to me, I am a mother and father all wrapped in one it would seem. He just grinned ear to ear. " I just have one question how to you teach them to do what you want, not that I have complaints, she enjoyed what I did, but well, I wanted more." Oh no, this is not a talk for mothers, no, it just can't be happening, I think if I had been younger and naive and not had to teach my other sons then I might just turn a dozen shades of red and curl under a rock somewhere.

I thought to this, "Well, you can begin by showing them what you like and how you like it, " I would suggest, "Just like a man, a woman has ideas of what you enjoy but if there is something in specific they wont know if you don't tell them and show them"
How else can you teach a man or woman what you like if you don't talk of it. He would nod in understanding. "Are there any limits?" Now this was a loaded question, "I suppose it depends on the woman or man involved." I would state, "Some have limits and some do not. Every woman has things they enjoy or don't some like a gentle hand some like a rougher hand and some want you to push them to their limits, I think that is something you explore with whoever you are with. Some are a combination of all things, but that type of woman is not easily found. Slaves really have no choice they must submit to what you want, but you can still learn what it is that will work best for you, to learn what makes their bodies sing or is painful or whatever it is you seek, they can learn what you enjoy and even learn what they enjoy."
I was not sure I was explaining this right, and I have a different outlook on this than many. But I think that is because of my own experiences. He would nod as he thought to this, "I understand thank you, I knew you would be able to help me." Then he hugged me and then off he went whistling as he nearly ran back to his wagon, I suspect someone was waiting there for him.

And I thought going thru this with Lochlan had been tough, I almost dread when the youngest son reaches that age. At least by then I will have some practice. It is days like this I realize how much of a hole Garyx has left in our lives, he had been a father to them in many ways, they could go to him and talk to him at any time, I don't know how many nights they would barge into our wagon just to sit with us and talk.

I miss that. But I am getting used to the silence once more. Soon each will begin lives of their own, when they do, then I will have served my purpose. It has come to rest in my heart and mind, my usefulness will soon draw to an end. I no longer have responsibilities that I once did, they have been given to others. Younger ones no less, it does suck to have youth capture everything that you have worked for and on, it also is kind of insulting of the skies to have men only look at youth, but yet, at the same time is that not the way of it, is it not the young that will keep us going, bring us children and continue on our ways, I have come to the realization it is a very sharp double edged sword. But, it is also the natural order of things.

The dreams have revealed much and I have sewn them together to find what it is I was to know. I have seen these things play out in life, and it makes sense. Life has taken much but it has given much,I have begun to put things aside that I wish specific people to have, I have spoken to Chulun on who it is I wish to continue my youngest son's teaching within the clan. Preparations have been made so that nothing is left unknown just in case, things do not go well.

I have had some special arrows made, and one I have taken the blue one to and secured it, it has someone's name upon it, I have delved down and began to bring the dark witch to the surface, for I will have need of that aspect of me. I know where the one I seek is, I know now his name. I will finish what he has started.
He wants blood for blood, now he will have it, only on my terms.

I have found his lair, I have seen without his knowledge, did he really think he was dealing with some one young,weak and without experience, I will use every spex power I possess and then some. Much of me is cloaked and unfelt because it is not my way to reveal just what lies beneath the surface, but I will unleash it, I will let it run free, I will show him a power that is so horrific and magnificent that he will regret the day he ever thought to touch not only those of this tribe, but those close to my heart.

Soon.

Awareness of children

It was late when I finished preparing an area along the stream, I had chosen a place that was not in the usual area where we often gathered for various things. I needed an area that would be undisturbed, so I walked until I found a spot that had just enough room for what was needed, I would walk around visualizing much in my mind as to what to do and how. Taking some stones I would mark off the path way and then I would create a large circle that would allow for women to be comfortable standing and sitting when the ceremony was done. I would crouch low and draw my finger across the point where two women would be holding the hide that Yamka worked on for me. She has done excellent work on it I am very pleased with the skill and thought, she used a hide that belonged to an elder, one that had a history of much life, I think it is an appropriate thing to use for a woman about to embark on a new stage of life.

I have sent lily out with a piece of hide to take to each woman that wished to put a part of themselves in it, they are not required to it is if they wish to gift a young woman with a part of themselves. It will be up to each to have it done in the specified time, I will not be one that chases and coddles, each are old enough to be responsible enough to ensure it is passed around and returned, because to me this is important, I think something like this must come from the heart and a willing spirit not out of obligation or force. Last night I saw lily as she was taking the hide to another woman, she would stop and she showed me what Dash had painted and I smiled because it was so Dash. I was happy to see that others did want to do this. I would gather the hides that Seveya herself had worked on for me each of these would be joined with the hide that the women are creating to form a skirt for her ceremony.

As I worked suddenly I heard what could only be described as an urt or tabuk crashing about, to my surprise it was not an animal but my daughter Hallie, she looked upset, perplexed and confused all at the same time, which means she heard something, saw something or someone did something and she took matters into her own hands, which, well this would give me a headache I just knew it. I had to wonder whose feelings did she hurt or what warriors shins were bruised. Hallie is my wild one, trying to tame her is like trying to tame the wind. So I moved over to the embankment and motioned for her to sit with me. "What is it Hallie?" I would ask. She took a few moments and then spoke, and while she was willful,stubborn and unpredictable, she had a part of her that was deep and calm like a tranquil stream of water, this is the part you sometimes glimpsed when she was thinking before she spoke, not that she does this often. She is direct and to the point, she must get that from her grandfather.

"Mother, Aliandra's mother was just collared" Now this took me by surprised, I wondered what her friends mother could have done to warrant being collared, so I waited, I just knew I was not going to like this discussion, it was to close to things I kept quiet of, things a daughter should never know of. "Do you know why?" Hallie would nod, "She was found in a warriors furs, a warrior that was not her mate." The blush on her face told me exactly what had happened. And she would toss a pebble in the stream, "Why would she do that?" She would ask, I could see she was trying to come to terms with the consequences of the woman's actions,and what it might mean to her friend Aliandra. I had to think on how to answer this. I had to be careful. This is not something that is new among men and women, some women take a chance when they go to a mans furs, the man could very easily collar you even if he says he wont. Or it could be a test to see what you will do. That is a tricky thing, but it is one I have seen played out more than once.

" I do not know why she would betray her mate in such a manner, although it is not unheard of." I would state, you cant shield children from the realities of life the good or the bad. "It is not an honorable action and it is one that would make me ask if she did not love him or if she did, perhaps have a slaves heart and feel she needed to be furred by more than one man. Many things could have pushed her to this. Maybe she felt she was in love with this other man " Though I wonder if he still lived in fact I was surprised the woman did, she would not be warmly welcomed by other free women of that there was no doubt.

"When it comes to men and women, there can be a strong desire that cannot be fought, you can get caught up in the want and needs that you lose sight of what might happen. When a mated woman or even for that matter an unmated woman decides to be in the furs of a man, wether it is for love or just for the sexual aspect she has to be prepared for the consequence, sometimes it is the man himself that will enslave her or as in this case others who found out." I watched as she thought to this. "Well, mother how can you lose yourself like that, to the point where you are not thinking." Now I did have to chuckle softly, she was so young and so naive of how things work between men and women, little did she know just how easy that is for any woman, a free woman just has to be more careful if they are unmated but a mated one, well now that was a kaiila of a different color. In my mind there is no excuse for such an action, I don't care what the reason is because you are committed to that relationship .

"Hallie, sexual desire , lust, need, or even the passion of love can sweep people up and carry them away into a world where they do not think , or cannot think rationally especially if there are powerful emotions involved, they only want to feel and satisfy that need to be with the other. One day when you meet the warrior that will capture your heart, he to will stir much within you that can feel like a raging fire ." She looked at me and wrinkled her nose. "Ewwww Mother, I do not want to be mated let along let them touch me, I have seen how they do that. No, way."

Now I tried to not smile, because I think every innocent, virginal woman has had this thought at least once, I recall my youngest sister asking, "They put that where." And I nearly pissed my leathers from her body reactions of closing her legs and putting her hands between her legs.She thought it was impossible. But every woman finds out that not only is it possible, but it is enjoyable, there are things a man can make you feel that no words describe, well at least for those of us that do embrace our passions and if you are lucky enough to have love with it, then there is nothing you cannot share or experience. There are some women and I have heard of them and seen them in enough counseling sessions to know, that some woman lay there like they are dead, they feel they should not enjoy it. That it is a duty, and some men think that way. A free woman is for making babies and a slut is for the wild sex, I hate to say this but a man or woman that thinks this , they are missing way to much of life, because what happens in a couples wagons, is between them. I had some old tuchuk women long ago tell me, a free woman in public a slut in the furs. I never understood that when I was young, but as I experienced life, I learned what that meant, and well there are things I have done and experienced that I don't think I would share with another woman. But I had the advantage of learning myself as a woman to, which I think is important for us to do.

"You think that now Hallie. But trust me that will change when you are ready to share your life with a mate. Aliandra's mother has made a choice, now she must accept the consequence, while we have many freedoms, there are some things we cannot ever do." She nodded in understanding, "Mother is it true that father was with another while mated to you." I looked at her I knew it would only be a matter of time before she had heard rumors and stories, although I never confirmed them or spoke of them in public to anyone, only Fonce and my father know the truth, one or two know something happened but I never said when or with who or where. I know Fonce he wont break that counsel of confidentiality.

"Hallie do you see your father as a warrior that would dishonor his tribe?" I would ask softly. She then squirmed a bit uncomfortable with what she started, " well, no." I would look to her, "Do you see your father as a man who would bring harm to his family?" I would ask, trying to find ways around this without really lying but without telling the truth, some things, you just don't tell a child about their father, I believe in protecting a warriors honor in public and to his children. Her brows furrowed, "No, but I never see him." I heard the pain in her words, that much was true he had not bothered with his children since their birth, why I do not know and I gave up long ago trying to figure it out. So I wrapped my arms about her and held her close, and she would curl up next to me something she has not done since she was very small, teenagers don't like to be seen all affectionate with their parents. "But, mother, I heard it was with. . . ." And with a low hiss of breath and look that all children hate getting from their mothers I silenced her before she could speak. "You hear rumors spoken out of speculation," I felt my heart racing in an almost panic how to deal with this. "But mother how can you. . ?" Her words were cut off, as a warning growl was given to her, "Hallie, if you speak of what you have heard and you mention names of people, will it not hurt them and cause others to see them in a light that would bring shame and pain?" I would ask her, she gave me one of those I know what is coming looks, in which non verbally they clearly are saying this sucks.

She would sigh, "No, that would not be a good thing to have happen." I wondered if she could sound a lot less disappointed. " Do you want to speak of things that could not only dishonor your father, but bring hurt to me, to you and to your brother Arkus and others . Would you wish to shame me in such a way." That is when she got one of those, I am so screwed looks. And she shook her head finally looking apologetic.

I could never bring myself to tell her the truth, I do not care what others say. "Unless I have told you of such a thing or your father has, you will never give such thoughts life again, to give them power, allows for trouble to brew. What you do and say affects others, you have to think and you also have to wonder, if someone is speaking of this what do they hope to gain or accomplish. Your father is a proud honorable warrior of tribe, you will continue to give him that respect." I stated in a motherly tone that meant there was no room for discussion there was no argument, it simply was how it was going to be.

She would sit for a while as my fingers moved lightly along her hair and back, "How come we never see him, Garyx was more of a father to us." I had no answer to this, I never understood this. "I do not know Hallie, I think something drives him from a dark part of his soul, he has a restlessness that takes him away for a long time, I do not think your father was one of the ones meant to have a mate or family." I answered for some men and women are not destined for these things. I never wanted a child until I held my first one in my arms and after that, I was hooked, there was no turning back, I enjoy being a mother, I love my children and would kill for them and die for them. Just as those I call friends, I would give up much for them, there is a side to me that only those that truly care ever see, And even they don't because I learned the hard way, your friends will betray you and turn on you. Though I think I am getting better, but still I only open up of things when asked and only to those who really want to know because they care.

I realize that each day I seem to be drawn to the company of just myself and my kaiila than I am around people. I find myself at my wagons for longer periods each day. I find myself wondering of my own future, I rarely have had to dwell on it that much as the skies always seemed to have something in my present and in my future, it is a first that there is nothing. Not sure what to make of it.

Where is this?

There was a sudden resounding force against the back of my head as I sat at my fires, now wait an ehn I thought to myself as I rubbed my head, this was my personal fire, my personal area, such an action should not be allowed and suddenly a flash of amethyst fire would flash in my eyes as I looked to see who had the audacity to do such, even a low growl reminiscent of a larls was emitted softly from me. But it was tempered as I looked into the stern yet amused face of Chulun. "You are not paying attention to what you are doing." He stated in a rather bemused tone, and I wondered for a moment what he was talking about when I caught a whiff of the burning hide and feathers, and I quickly put it out along with a few colorful words finding their way along the wings of the wind.

"Well you didn't have to try and remove my head from my shoulders." I would mutter a bit under my breath, to which he only laughed as he sat down next to me. "I called your name several times and you did not answer. Where were you ?" He would ask.

Well now, how to answer that, "I am not exactly sure." This caused a silver brow to lift in question . But he would wait. I thought to this for at first I really had been no where, my mind just seemed to be empty and floating within the comfort of my favorite place, where there was no thought, just a serenity and sense of replenishment. A place where I could regain energy and peace. It was the place I often was in early in the morning before I began my day, but today had been different, I had found myself somewhere, I am not sure where, it was on the plains, but it was not as it is now, it was different, people I have never seen, yet I could see some that held similarities to those who lived here now, the ubar was not one I knew, or had even heard anyone speak of. And yet I could hear the same laughter of children, the song of the singers, and the rhythm of the drummers fill the air.

There was a heated discussion between two men and a woman, one man and the woman I could tell by the beads were haruspex, the other man I am not sure who he was at first, but he seemed to be rather angry. I could not yet tell what they were telling him, or trying to he did not seem to want to listen, a warning is what it felt like, but I could not yet grasp more. Before I could try to see more, it felt as if something had pushed me back, it was a strong force, one that I felt, now that was strange, usually I did not feel any presence when I was in this state, I did not like the feeling that flowed over me, as if someone had just buried me in a maggot infested pit, I felt myself pull back and as I did, I found myself once more looking about this camp, but it was covered in blood, the stench of it was heavy in the air, as was the scent of burning wagons and the shrill screams of women, it sounded as if they were being tortured, where were the warriors, what was this carnage and was this the past, present or future, It was about that time that Chulun had decked me, apparently I had been reaching out to touch the fire to reach in and try to touch something.

I would look to Chulun, "I do not know where I was," I would state in truth, but I did share with him what I saw, he thought to this, it did not sound familiar even to him, he would speak to the others to see what they thought.

"What are you doing with all those feathers?" he would ask after a few moments. I would smile. "I thought I might teach some of the women how to notch them in various places so that it directs the course of their arrows, I might have them practice in the form of a few games if they are open to it, " He would nod, knowing I often used games to help people learn more or practice more, women I felt should know how to put certain weapons together, because we are not helpless on the plains, " I was thinking of seeing if we could arrange a hunt with a few " He would nod as he stood. " I think they would enjoy these things. I will speak to the others on this along with the dreams you have been having, they have some meaning, what I am not yet sure." Well that would make two of us, I thought to myself. But I would nod, and return to my work with the feathers, salvaging what I could before I would go look for some more along with some other things.

Then I would go look for Cana and others to see if they wished to take part in the small adventure, I also needed to rethink on aspect of the ceremony, I have it almost complete but one part is just not flowing right, I will have to meditate on this , but I do know I would need plenty of food, drink and some instruments, for afterwards there would be a celebration. It is an important thing for a woman to step into the world of being a woman, of a sisterhood that only women could understand. I have created small things for each woman to do, so that it is special and meaningful to all, it is small and simple but it carries much meaning.

What does it mean. . what do you do. .

"He will find you, you know he will, he does not rest. He never will until he has his revenge. Blood for blood. "

The words chilled me to the bone and I sat up suddenly, feeling the sweat drench my body and my breath come in rapid gasps. I felt my hair cling to me like a second skin and it irritated me, I did not like the feeling. I felt the fear, I tasted the blood, I heard the animosity in the words.

It was one thing to feel sweat cling to my body and damp hair grasp the skin from enjoying a night of passion it had a different feeling, but to feel what I felt now was a whole different thing, and it felt completely different feeling and it felt,strange and all wrong.

This dream could belong to anyone, including myself, I could not yet tell who the words were for or why. I only know how it felt, we do not always get things clear at first sometimes they are just glimpses. I lay back down for a moment and I tossed the furs from me, I was hot. I watched the talisman that hung over where I slept I studied it for a moment as I tried to calm my breathing, the air felt like a soothing balm over my heated skin,but it was not enough, I needed to wash away this feeling, so I sat up and loosely braided my hair and slipped on a tunic and my leathers, and lifted from a nearby shelf a mixture of salt and herbs and I left my wagon.

The moonlight just barely splashed upon the ground as the darkness struggled in an eternal battle to keep the daylight at bay, the ongoing battle often brought an array of color that was magnificent to behold. But at this moment I did not take the time I usually do to drink in the beauty. I needed to wash away this feeling, and figure out what it meant.

Once I made my way along the stream and headed to my usual place that was concealed by some foliage, I would shed the clothing, feeling the gentle caress of the fading beams of shimmering light as I stepped into the cool water, I would hold the salt over my head as I lowered to let the water wet my skin, the coolness alone was like a healing balm, and I stood and took some of the salt and rubbed it along my skin, chanting softly as I removed whatever it was that reached out to touch me, I could allow myself to see it and feel it but I could not allow myself to hold it, so I protected myself and let it be released so that it would not affect me.

I could feel it flow from me and away from me. I would let myself remain immersed in the cool waters for some time before I got out, I would dry off and dress, just before the glimmers of light would flow over the plains.

I would sit there for awhile contemplating the dream when I saw the air before me ripple as if the heat of the fire was rising before me, yet there was no fire, I head the same tone once more, " What he had done was only the beginning." Now I suddenly felt cold, and I rested my chin on my knees. I tried not to think on this but I could not help but ponder it, I have felt this before. My hand touched my shoulder as pieces began to fit into place. A part of me began to figure it out, yet a part of me would not look at it. Had not enough blood been taken, I thought to myself then I had to blink a bit where did that thought come from and why.

An interesting puzzle, the question is what does it mean and what do I do about it?

Reality does bite. . .

It is late in the night as I ride Eclipse over the plains, it has become a routine once more with me to ride in the middle of the night, why is it I feel the need to ride for ahns at a time instead of sleeping? I do not have a concrete answer to this question, it could be something pulls me as there is something about the night as it drapes over the plains, it is quieter in the shroud of darkness and yet there is more to be heard at the same time. It could be that this is when I feel the loneliest and the impact of the loss of Garyx hits me full force,of how much I miss him. And of how I miss having someone to lay with and talk to, and to discuss a variety of things from the silly to the important serious things, I miss the laughter and just the companionship of another, the warmth of arms about me as I sleep, feeling protected and wanted. I miss many things. Some things that I don't think I should write of, because it would inspire visuals in my mind that I don't need to feel.

For the most part I do well surviving on my own, but once in a while there is this sudden slash of emotions that will slice thru me and painfully remind me of things. Always in the night it is the most painful. And I think also it is in the night that my mind slows and many thoughts come pouring thru, sometimes it is from others who seek help thru dreams, and other times it is just what flows about the camp, I do not know the answer, I only know I often find myself out here, riding, thinking and just feeling the comfort of the plains wrapping about me, perhaps the plains is my companion now.
Eclipse moves with a slow gentle gait, like with Mist Runner I rarely have to give a command, he knows what I want, because he is in tuned to me. But he is still a temperamental beast that would sooner take a bite out of someone than let them near.

As I ride my thoughts drift to things of the day and those I have spent some time with. Yamka and Mezoo joined me at the fires, I spoke with them of various things, yet as I did, I also was observing much of them the small things of each. I have yet to make any definitive thoughts but I have formed a basic opinion of each. Now this could change as each day passes for we as people are ever changing ever growing, and they are both young and innocent, the harsh realities of life have not yet painted a story upon them. There is time for them to learn these things, I hope they do not try to rush life for we grow up all to fast, I hope they take the time to cherish each day, and embrace everything life throws at them for eventually they will face the challenges that bring not only the greatest of joys but the deepest of sorrows, or perhaps they will never know the bad things of life, I have seen some go thru life without experiencing these things.

I watch each begin to step into themselves and learn new things, there is a desire to learn, and that says something for them,but I restrain myself from really forming any true opinion, I watch as Yamka steps into herself and the first pains of confusion and feelings for a warrior have touched her, it is a difficult time and also how it is handled by the warrior and others will mold how she handles it or recovers from it, and how she will perceive life and people in general, for many do not realize this age is an impressionable age, much will form who each eventually becomes as a woman. Mezoo who is younger, she also is stepping into new things, from feelings to situations, she moves toward something that I am not sure she or others are ready for, but I know not to say yes or no to these things, for I know each must learn some things on their own, because at this age, and we are all guilty of it, we think we know our hearts, we think we know life, but we don't, and sometimes I wonder if we really ever do. And maybe we are not meant to. I have watched how she is able to mimic the ways of the older ones, this could mistakeningly lead others to believe she has a knowledge,wisdom and experience she does not. It is natural to do this, I think we have all done so at one point in our lives, I did it once when I was much younger than her and I thought Chulun was going to rip my tongue out of my head. After that I never did such things where he could see, perhaps that is why I sort of found it a bit amusing. I hope that she starts to use her own ways because when the time comes to face the first challenge of life she will not be able to handle it not having developed her own way yet, she has a desire to learn so that is a good sign and she is observant of things around her. She had questions and I could see within her head there were many more, I do not mind answering questions when asked. Each have potential for many things, I gleaned much information from them both in that short time. They both hold much hope for what the future brings. I wonder what the future will bring for them I do think it will be interesting to watch.

Ayguili joined us some time later after Yamka left, I observed the interaction between Mezoo and Ayguili, I would be lying if I said I was not concerned, the reasons have nothing to do with either one in particular because I do not feel anything truly bad of either, but I do have an unsettling feeling, perhaps one or both may get hurt and I would not wish to see this, and perhaps because I do not think either are ready for anything beyond a friendship, for many reasons, none of which are personal to me, because I have no vested interest in this other than one I consider a friend and I care, and the other because she is trying to earn her way into tribe and learn her clan, and I would hate to see her get off track and also I would not like to see her hurt either, I don't know her well, but she has tuchuk blood, that makes her worth caring about. I had left because I felt as if I were a third wheel so to speak. That is the first, and well I had to go anyway for I had much work to do.

When I returned Cana was by the main fires, that was a relief because that meant that there would be someone to talk to, we spoke of my grandson for I had stopped by her wagon to see her, I am proud of her and her children, she has done so many wonderful things. She asked of Lochlans father, there is so much I could tell her of his father and his people, but that would take a very, very long time, so I sort of summarized a short bit of him,Lochlans father was a full blooded mamba, and he was most definitely a cannibal, I refrained from the detail of this, I highlighted the good of him, his courage and his honor, and that he was the first man to teach me what real true love was, Ayguili asked if I loved him very much, and I did, I loved him with every fiber of my being. He had also asked how I came to be mated to someone of the jungles, and I gave a short version of that as well, because that was an entire story as well. Lochley had allowed me to be me and he was himself, and yet we had a path as one. He was wild and untamable, uncivilized, but he knew what love was. I think Ayguili thinks that this restored my faith in love and men, it did for a while, but it was short lived, Brutus, Gaspar and Shi would show me how wrong I was. After Lochley I lived thru the darkest times of my life and yet also there was good as well, but it is overshadowed, I did not speak of these things. That would bore the life out of people, so I left it at the little bit I did reveal.

Asria joined us, now I have noticed the baggy clothing and I also have noticed a few changes and I know what conclusions I draw, and I have calculated a few dates, but surely I can not be right in what I have deducted because that would mean she would be just a couple months shy of giving birth if she were pregnant, no I can not be right in what I feel. However, my thoughts on this were interrupted by her words by the fire , this gave me concern and ticked me off a bit and I know that Cana was upset, I do not think she realizes just how she made Fonce look, and how she made him look in front of the Ubar, now I know Fonce to be honorable and he takes his responsibilities seriously. And right now she has made him look less than honorable. Cana left upset and I cant say that I blame her she was upset of the possibility that Fonce would do such, but I think she knows that he would not and later in the night we would speak of it.

That left me once more with Ayguili and Mezoo, and all I can say is this, I had not believed when I heard that he ignored others when Mezoo was around, surely this was incorrect, but fact is I was surprised beyond words to have it happen twice to me in one night, I saw enough to know I wont stay at the fires with just the two of them again, finally after a while had to tell the two of them perhaps they should just get mated, yes, they irritated me to that point, I had to remind Ayguili in a less than subtle way that he was forgetting things he himself, spoke off, because he was not following them, interesting how when a man is ruled by infatuation or lust that they change their thoughts, the master of his own destiny indeed, I was not telling him what to do or what not to do, but reminding him of his own concerns he voiced. Skies forgive me for saying anything, because in that moment he made much clear, and it left no doubt in my mind of what that message was. And I pointed out to him how they are acting, that they push everyone else out of the world when it is the two of them, as an Ubar he cannot do that, and in the moment as a tribal member and supposed friend I was made to feel like a stranger at the fires. They could have taken a whip to me dipped in black pepper and it would have hurt less.

There is more to my thoughts, but they are not important now, but it does drift into my mind the words spoken the night before, and his concern of how these two young women may take his actions and words as more than friendship, as he himself said he was not ready to mate, One day I hope he will find such a joy and happiness, but I think there is much of himself he has to step out of and yet learn, and we briefly spoke on this and he had agreed we would speak further on it. He has much potential and is learning much, so I am not sure he realizes that in asking another man to get to know a woman is basically asking to court them, that is a step to mating. I see the infatuation of both because it is way to obvious to be ignored by me or others, and I am not the only one that has felt closed out by them, I had not believed it until tonight, because it was my thought that he would not do this, at least my thought was not intentionally, I have never seen such actions, but imagine my surprise when I had it happen twice in one night.

I have mixed thoughts on this, because the first time I would say it was not even realized by him because of something I said, I realized he did not see it, but the second time he was made aware of it and continued it anyway, so in that I would have to formulate that he was aware and the actions were then intentional. Because of this I have to admit this not only disappointed me but hurt,is that what you do to a friend, or maybe I am not such. I don't think he understood my words, maybe he is younger than I thought, or maybe he just did not want to acknowledge the truth of them, either way I find I am alright with this. I think I have begun to detach myself a little to much that I have let the emotion go that quick, or maybe it is just me stepping back behind the walls I had lowered, I left the fires after a while I am willing to wager it was not even noticed, in fact I know it wasn't for what happened next confirmed such.

After I had left the main fires I decided to stop by the stream to see how some of the plants I planted there were fairing, when I heard someone nearing, when I looked up it was Yamka and she was stumbling and crying, I saw hurt and pain in her eyes and I had wondered what had happened. She spoke of walking in on Mezoo and Ayguili at the fires and that they were holding hands. Well what do I say to this, or better yet how do I help guide her thru what she is feeling very deeply.

I listened to her thoughts and what she felt, I knew she had to get it out before she could move on, she felt betrayed by Mezoo, for she had confided in her of her feelings and was hurt that she made moves for the warrior, she felt friends did not do this to friends. Well, I could have shielded her from the reality of life, but what would that do, yes friends have done such to each other, it has happened many times all over Gor, even here in the tribe, I could have told her of how one betrayed me, but that is a secret only two others know of. The foolish part of me that still tries to protect others somehow still flourishes within me. So I tried to explain to her that the action may not have been intentional, it may have been something that just happened. I offered what I could to help her understand, but I do not think really anything I would say would change how she felt or saw things. I did suggest to her that sometimes things are not intentional, things sometimes between people just happen without any planning, and sometimes things are not always as they seem, but would you risk losing a friendship over such?

And holding hands does not always mean a man wants a woman it could be a gesture of many things. Men and women often have friendships that are close but that doesn't mean anything, I tried to tell her you just don't give up on what you feel, because of one thing, nothing is set in stone, who is to say that the two will or will not be together ,no one knows what will or will not happen in life. No one knows what bond may form between any two people or any group of people, I also explained to her that when it comes to men, many a friendship has been lost, and when it comes to women many a friendship has been lost. And yes what she has seen or felt may hurt like hell, the first time is like a kailla kicking you in the gut, and in truth it never gets easier, but I would suggest she not give up a friendship with either of them because of this.To do so would be to lose something important and valuable. Cana joined us and also offered advice, she used similar thoughts and words, sometimes she sounds a lot like me. I am not sure if we helped or not but I hope we did.

After Yamka left, we spoke on what had happened and I told her of how I felt at the fires, I think she was as surprised as I was. I think I am just more hurt that I had asked several times to speak with him but I am given the brush off as if he is to busy, but he has shown where his priorities lie. Its not like I am in the urt race to have him, good skies does anyone even think I would try to capture the heart of any of the warriors that are often around,no, I don't think so, not even I am that foolish. I have already seen most of them prefer the young pristine virgins or the ones that are blatant in their sexuality, women like me, we are often over looked and we remain alone for a long time. And I don't want anyone who cant accept me as me, or see just what all they do get when they have me, see too many wrong assumptions have been made,which prevents anyone from seeing what is there. Besides I am old enough to be a grandmother to most of them, what would they have in common with me, how would any be able to relate, they cant now, imagine if there was that complication. I am not a glutton for punishment. I am used to this so I would be surprised to see other wise truth be told. As I told Cana it does not matter now because the one thing I needed help with, well the time has passed to far now and I have taken care of it myself, right or wrong I did what was needed for my son. And the other things, shoot I have now forgotten what I had wanted.

I had to chuckle as we spoke that she suddenly called me by my full name. I love Cana and she sees everyone as beautiful, but I have to love her even more for her passion and words, but I know the truth of myself, I am passable, I am a bit to short, actually I am shorter than most and I am bit to old, and I am very flawed, I have a curve to my hip but nothing like Dash, my breasts are just enough to be soft and full but definitely not like Silks, I do not have an exotic look to me, I do not have the blue eyes everyone seems to admire, and I don't have the dark eyes that you can get lost in their fathomless depths, I have simple shades of violet, I have two sharpened teeth that few ever see. Brutus once told me that because of them I would be seen as ugly to those outside of the jungles, I have a passionate, temperamental, stubborn firey nature, go figure given my dominant element is fire and the other is water.. Lots of emotion and will there. That is like being doubly cursed, I am no raving beauty like my sisters or even others of the tribe, and I am cool with that,I have earned my badges of courage and honor.I have been blessed to have loved and been loved, I have been blessed with children and had adventures that many only dream of. So all and all, I would say, the skies have given me much so I am good with the lesser things.

I just don't like a few things that have occurred, And I allow myself to feel it, and now I let it go. Life is ongoing people always reveal much. And Life is to short to really dwell on these things.

Is there only one way ?

I came to a very quick conclusion, there are things in this wagon that even I did not know I had, good skies. I think some things need to be discarded they are older than my eldest children, and some things I am not even sure why I have them I must have needed them for something at one time, so I move thru the layers of stuff. Every now and then a wave of sneezing takes over and I wonder if I will be able to catch my breath. It definitely needed cleaning out. But then again I definitely needed to get a new wagon,for this one has seen better days.

After a few ahns I made some progress, and I could see a small area cleared. The various roots and plants I had hanging I did not touch for they would be needed eventually. I had to suddenly laugh, as I picked up a small dried flower that had a black ribbon around it and another ribbon that had dried blood on it. They had been tucked inside an old journal that held many drawings of plants and research I had done on some rare ones, The larger ribbon had been from a heart Lochley had sent me as a gift one time while he was hunting, I still can see in my mind the slave girl he sent to deliver it, there was a color to her that I swear I thought she was going to die on the spot, on a platter was a human heart, fresh, blood had settled about it, it was his way of letting me know he was thinking of me, I know that poor girl did not understand but I did, he was a full blooded uncivilized mamba, it was the way he knew to express his heart,he had been a man of honor, courage and was simplistic in his way of life. Many thought I ate that heart but I didn't, at that time I couldn't I was still learning their ways, so I had given it to others that could use it. But the ribbon I kept, I had given it to Lochlan when he was younger he had asked of it and wanted it. The dried flower was a gift from Lochlan, he had been all of seven turnings. He thought he was a man, and he had to follow in his fathers footsteps so he tied a ribbon on the flower and he had given it to me, he said so that I knew he was thinking of me. There is nothing like the love of a child, these things I would keep, they are things that only a mother and a mate could cherish and understand. I don't think anyone would really appreciate the heart. But in a way that had been one of the best gifts ever given to me because of where it came from, I have one other gift that is just as cherished, the larl tooth and feather, Garyx had made them for me and his reason behind it was so that he would always be with me and I would always have his strength and him with me.

As I worked I glanced at that damn skull that I kept covered, I had put it in here because I wasn't keeping it in my personal wagon, it talked to much, I never knew why Fonce gave it to me and I don't think it was because the voices kept him awake, I think there is much more to it than I have yet to discover, but I could still hear it even though covered, though I am more used to it now and sometimes I even tune it out, of course when I do that, it tends to get louder I think just to get attention, maybe it was a man.

It was awhile later I heard my name being called a few times, that was odd, I thought to myself, whoever it was seemed to be distressed, I dusted myself off and walked out my spex wagon and looked to the young woman nearing, she looked upset and I could see the tears that stained her cheeks. "What is wrong Astrarea ?" She would stop and cross her arms, " Is it true there is only one path to follow within the clan that if I am not like others then I am wrong.?" Her question was not one I was expecting so I suspect something had happened. I motioned for her to sit next to me, " No, this is not true, we have different paths or traditions within the clan, although some things are similar or the same, we each have different ways to do things." She sniffled and wiped her nose and looked at me, she was one that I have taught a few things to here and there when one of the others needed their students to learn specific things,particularly the elements and other things, as I watched her it occurred to me, "What element are you working with ?" I would inquire.

"Water." She replied in a wavering tone. Now it made sense, and I gently touched her arm, "You are feeling much this past hand haven't you?" And she would nod, "Think about what you are working with, water is of our emotions, it purifies, it also the subconscious part of our mind, our intuition and the mysteries of ourselves are all found in water. Water dares you to find your self and to feel your emotions." she was listening I knew that. " You are feeling everything more intensely and emotionally at the moment."

"Take a deep breath and look within yourself, do not doubt yourself, do not fear yourself and most importantly love yourself. Sometimes others may speak of things that they do not yet fully grasp or they may also be working with an element." I smiled gently to her. " None of us are exactly alike, and yet some of us can do the same things, and we need that because sometimes we need more than one of the same ability.And we must always have male and female for balance, there is the masculine side of everything and the feminine side of everything. " I watched as she calmed herself and began to relax. " So because I follow something that another teaches that you don't or one of the others doesn't, then I am not strange." I almost laughed but I didn't for I understood what she meant and I understood the power of water and its force on emotions," Well I think each of us are strange in some way, but there is nothing wrong with you, you have chosen I different path within the clan,and you must always follow what is true and right for you. Not what others tell you is right. " She would nod her head in understanding and smile. " I knew that you would be able to help me."

I would nod, "I am always here any time you wish to talk or need something, I am a good listener. But I would suggest that maybe you change the element you are working with." She would laugh softly, "Yes I think so, this one is really tearing me apart." As she left I would watch her, I understood that upheaval, when I was first learning of the elements I think water was my hardest one, because of the emotions, you could be calm one moment and suddenly burst into tears or a fit of anger, it can wreck havoc even on the most sane and grounded person. I hope that she learned what she was supposed to.