It is early morning, and there is a freshness in the air that seems to stretch out forever, I love the smell of the grass after the rains have exhausted themselves into nothingness, I love how the air feels and just the feeling of new life that seems to sprout after the rain. Lily had brought me a bowl of black wine and I had to smile she like a few others knew that I was often up before the skies had a chance to awaken from their darkened slumber, that I was often up before most others. I cradled the bowl feeling its warmth flow thru the skin of my hands.
As I sit here I try to formulate my thoughts into one cohesive path so that I can write of things that I have not had time to or have been to tired to put down at the time. It was good see Kaeli join us, I have not seen her in a while given that we all have so much going on. The ground would give beneath our feet and cause us to lose our footing often, it was during this time I noticed various emotions that would flow thru Seveya and I reached down and grabbed some mud and tossed it at her, I think she was more surprised than anything, just because I am older does not mean I do not know how to act like a kid, that is a part of us none of us should ever lose, the spirit of childhood should always stay within us. She started to laugh which is what I wanted her to do, her thoughts were taking her down a path that would just bring her down, Kaeli also joined in some mud slinging. We shared some thoughts with Seveya. Eventually I had to leave and check on a few things, and don't you know that Seveya managed to decorate my back with a ball of mud, I had to laugh, "Not bad" I told her. And it was not bad, it was a start.
As I worked I would think back to a discussion I had with Cana a few nights ago by the fire, I knew that something was on her mind I could see it, and we talked of it. I am not sure if I was able to help her or not, I could only really let her know I was there to listen and be there for her. It was one of those times in life I wish I could have made everything alright, I wish there was some spell or ritual that would make everything right, but unfortunately I cant. There were some things that left me a bit perplexed, I really did not understand a few of the things she revealed to me. The things that were revealed to me I have rarely seen and some I have never seen, and this is when I see she is a much better woman and person than I am because I know that my mouth would have already have been opened and my thoughts would have spewed forth.
But see that is why she is a better woman than I am,she has not said anything, she does what she should as a mate, but I also understand why. Some things I don't agree with and some things I cant help her with, but I can be there for her and try to help her and make her smile. Ba'atar is a friend and I love him dearly as such, but sometimes I want to just shake him until those brain cells form into a pattern of clarity. I have watched men with women wether free or slave for many turnings, eventually the novelty of his new toy will wear off, she can never be what Cana is, nor will she ever be the woman Cana is, if I thought he would listen I would talk to him, but I don't want Cana to suffer for it, for she has said nothing wrong or bad about him and what she feels she has every reason to feel her heart and emotions are legitimate and real and should be treated as such by the man who loves her, I do know this, had it been me he would have been wearing that bowl of food and his slave would have found her tongue removed and her snatch stitched shut then I would have skinned her alive and left her suffer, but then I am a sadistic bitch when riled up, I go for blood, I go for pain, it is not something I am proud of, but I know it is a part of me, I am a very blood thirsty bitch, I learned from the mamba ways of torture that leave you alive from hours to days, and there is a part of me that enjoys and savors those pitiful screams of terror and pain, add my spex ways well then lets say I have an infinite amount of patience. I hope that he realizes some of the things he is unwittingly doing, because in my heart I know he loves her heart and soul. I know she loves him heart and soul, I gave her some thoughts and reassured her of what is in her heart and that is love, to be patient,for all slaves are a novel then the man realizes what is important in his life, slaves are a coin a dozen and they come and go, she is his mate, the mother of his children, the better half of him, just as he is so much a part of her, they make each other complete, eventually he may realize what he is doing and take steps to make things up to her, at least that is my hope. Because I can see the man he is and growing to be and if he is as I think he will spoil her and reassure her of much, and I know that he wont do that gruff, because I am the man routine, at least I hope so. They are both close to my heart, I consider them family, they are important to me.
Now, I have seen this slave the other night as we moved trunks and emptied wagons, I am not impressed, in fact I was tempted to just kill her and put her out of her misery, I guess she doesn't realize that a spex can pick up on the emotions others project, or that we are quite skilled at observation, by her actions you can tell she thinks she is being worked to hard, hell she doesn't do half the things other slaves do, it is really that much work to hide under a wagon, she better get used to it, slaves on the plains work very hard. It is very clear she is a spoiled, pampered free woman who never had to lift a finger to do any work, she still thinks that life is about her wants and her needs, she better learn quick that as a slave it is not about what she wants or thinks, she is no priceless jewel that is to be set above others or apart from them, none of us will coddle her, and if she is coddled and made useless then what good is she to the tribe, she no longer owns those emotions or thoughts. She cowers under the wagons not doing anything to help anyone, damn shame all other slaves work hard and free people and yet she sits there like a prima dona, does she realize that her actions reflect on her owner.
It was not much longer that another slave appeared I think they called her catch, I swear that girl is a bundle of pent up energy, but she dived right in and was helping and working and her demeanor was one who was happy to do what she was and was happy being who she was, I have to say I found her rather humorous. And while I am not fond of slaves I have to say, she was interesting to watch. Though I could not linger for I found my thoughts distracted and pulled away from things around me, maybe it was the chaos of so many or maybe it was worry of a few but I soon found my way back to my own wagons, I still had much work to do yet and I had emptied my wagons except for the spex wagon some things I could not so I rearranged a few things into other wagons to lighten it, that way all is as light as it can be, I do not really own a lot in the way of material things, well, yes I do but those things are in the keeping of my sisters and brothers, and when I have need of things I let them know, she is wonderful about ensuring every so often a supply wagon is sent to one of the camps, she knows our ways. I use what she sends me to give to other clans especially the healers I try to make sure they have what they need. And that Cana and Hallie have things they may need for their clan and of course I make sure that my own clan has what they need also. Usually she throws in things for the tribe, salt, hides,furs,black wine and other things that we use.
I found myself working late into the night. I sure was tired, but I could not sleep. There was much yet on my mind.. Oh yes, and I definitely saved my jar of eye balls. It is funny to watch people try and figure out just what I do with them.
As I sit here I try to formulate my thoughts into one cohesive path so that I can write of things that I have not had time to or have been to tired to put down at the time. It was good see Kaeli join us, I have not seen her in a while given that we all have so much going on. The ground would give beneath our feet and cause us to lose our footing often, it was during this time I noticed various emotions that would flow thru Seveya and I reached down and grabbed some mud and tossed it at her, I think she was more surprised than anything, just because I am older does not mean I do not know how to act like a kid, that is a part of us none of us should ever lose, the spirit of childhood should always stay within us. She started to laugh which is what I wanted her to do, her thoughts were taking her down a path that would just bring her down, Kaeli also joined in some mud slinging. We shared some thoughts with Seveya. Eventually I had to leave and check on a few things, and don't you know that Seveya managed to decorate my back with a ball of mud, I had to laugh, "Not bad" I told her. And it was not bad, it was a start.
As I worked I would think back to a discussion I had with Cana a few nights ago by the fire, I knew that something was on her mind I could see it, and we talked of it. I am not sure if I was able to help her or not, I could only really let her know I was there to listen and be there for her. It was one of those times in life I wish I could have made everything alright, I wish there was some spell or ritual that would make everything right, but unfortunately I cant. There were some things that left me a bit perplexed, I really did not understand a few of the things she revealed to me. The things that were revealed to me I have rarely seen and some I have never seen, and this is when I see she is a much better woman and person than I am because I know that my mouth would have already have been opened and my thoughts would have spewed forth.
But see that is why she is a better woman than I am,she has not said anything, she does what she should as a mate, but I also understand why. Some things I don't agree with and some things I cant help her with, but I can be there for her and try to help her and make her smile. Ba'atar is a friend and I love him dearly as such, but sometimes I want to just shake him until those brain cells form into a pattern of clarity. I have watched men with women wether free or slave for many turnings, eventually the novelty of his new toy will wear off, she can never be what Cana is, nor will she ever be the woman Cana is, if I thought he would listen I would talk to him, but I don't want Cana to suffer for it, for she has said nothing wrong or bad about him and what she feels she has every reason to feel her heart and emotions are legitimate and real and should be treated as such by the man who loves her, I do know this, had it been me he would have been wearing that bowl of food and his slave would have found her tongue removed and her snatch stitched shut then I would have skinned her alive and left her suffer, but then I am a sadistic bitch when riled up, I go for blood, I go for pain, it is not something I am proud of, but I know it is a part of me, I am a very blood thirsty bitch, I learned from the mamba ways of torture that leave you alive from hours to days, and there is a part of me that enjoys and savors those pitiful screams of terror and pain, add my spex ways well then lets say I have an infinite amount of patience. I hope that he realizes some of the things he is unwittingly doing, because in my heart I know he loves her heart and soul. I know she loves him heart and soul, I gave her some thoughts and reassured her of what is in her heart and that is love, to be patient,for all slaves are a novel then the man realizes what is important in his life, slaves are a coin a dozen and they come and go, she is his mate, the mother of his children, the better half of him, just as he is so much a part of her, they make each other complete, eventually he may realize what he is doing and take steps to make things up to her, at least that is my hope. Because I can see the man he is and growing to be and if he is as I think he will spoil her and reassure her of much, and I know that he wont do that gruff, because I am the man routine, at least I hope so. They are both close to my heart, I consider them family, they are important to me.
Now, I have seen this slave the other night as we moved trunks and emptied wagons, I am not impressed, in fact I was tempted to just kill her and put her out of her misery, I guess she doesn't realize that a spex can pick up on the emotions others project, or that we are quite skilled at observation, by her actions you can tell she thinks she is being worked to hard, hell she doesn't do half the things other slaves do, it is really that much work to hide under a wagon, she better get used to it, slaves on the plains work very hard. It is very clear she is a spoiled, pampered free woman who never had to lift a finger to do any work, she still thinks that life is about her wants and her needs, she better learn quick that as a slave it is not about what she wants or thinks, she is no priceless jewel that is to be set above others or apart from them, none of us will coddle her, and if she is coddled and made useless then what good is she to the tribe, she no longer owns those emotions or thoughts. She cowers under the wagons not doing anything to help anyone, damn shame all other slaves work hard and free people and yet she sits there like a prima dona, does she realize that her actions reflect on her owner.
It was not much longer that another slave appeared I think they called her catch, I swear that girl is a bundle of pent up energy, but she dived right in and was helping and working and her demeanor was one who was happy to do what she was and was happy being who she was, I have to say I found her rather humorous. And while I am not fond of slaves I have to say, she was interesting to watch. Though I could not linger for I found my thoughts distracted and pulled away from things around me, maybe it was the chaos of so many or maybe it was worry of a few but I soon found my way back to my own wagons, I still had much work to do yet and I had emptied my wagons except for the spex wagon some things I could not so I rearranged a few things into other wagons to lighten it, that way all is as light as it can be, I do not really own a lot in the way of material things, well, yes I do but those things are in the keeping of my sisters and brothers, and when I have need of things I let them know, she is wonderful about ensuring every so often a supply wagon is sent to one of the camps, she knows our ways. I use what she sends me to give to other clans especially the healers I try to make sure they have what they need. And that Cana and Hallie have things they may need for their clan and of course I make sure that my own clan has what they need also. Usually she throws in things for the tribe, salt, hides,furs,black wine and other things that we use.
I found myself working late into the night. I sure was tired, but I could not sleep. There was much yet on my mind.. Oh yes, and I definitely saved my jar of eye balls. It is funny to watch people try and figure out just what I do with them.
