It is late in the night as I ride Eclipse over the plains, it has become a routine once more with me to ride in the middle of the night, why is it I feel the need to ride for ahns at a time instead of sleeping? I do not have a concrete answer to this question, it could be something pulls me as there is something about the night as it drapes over the plains, it is quieter in the shroud of darkness and yet there is more to be heard at the same time. It could be that this is when I feel the loneliest and the impact of the loss of Garyx hits me full force,of how much I miss him. And of how I miss having someone to lay with and talk to, and to discuss a variety of things from the silly to the important serious things, I miss the laughter and just the companionship of another, the warmth of arms about me as I sleep, feeling protected and wanted. I miss many things. Some things that I don't think I should write of, because it would inspire visuals in my mind that I don't need to feel.
For the most part I do well surviving on my own, but once in a while there is this sudden slash of emotions that will slice thru me and painfully remind me of things. Always in the night it is the most painful. And I think also it is in the night that my mind slows and many thoughts come pouring thru, sometimes it is from others who seek help thru dreams, and other times it is just what flows about the camp, I do not know the answer, I only know I often find myself out here, riding, thinking and just feeling the comfort of the plains wrapping about me, perhaps the plains is my companion now.
Eclipse moves with a slow gentle gait, like with Mist Runner I rarely have to give a command, he knows what I want, because he is in tuned to me. But he is still a temperamental beast that would sooner take a bite out of someone than let them near.
As I ride my thoughts drift to things of the day and those I have spent some time with. Yamka and Mezoo joined me at the fires, I spoke with them of various things, yet as I did, I also was observing much of them the small things of each. I have yet to make any definitive thoughts but I have formed a basic opinion of each. Now this could change as each day passes for we as people are ever changing ever growing, and they are both young and innocent, the harsh realities of life have not yet painted a story upon them. There is time for them to learn these things, I hope they do not try to rush life for we grow up all to fast, I hope they take the time to cherish each day, and embrace everything life throws at them for eventually they will face the challenges that bring not only the greatest of joys but the deepest of sorrows, or perhaps they will never know the bad things of life, I have seen some go thru life without experiencing these things.
I watch each begin to step into themselves and learn new things, there is a desire to learn, and that says something for them,but I restrain myself from really forming any true opinion, I watch as Yamka steps into herself and the first pains of confusion and feelings for a warrior have touched her, it is a difficult time and also how it is handled by the warrior and others will mold how she handles it or recovers from it, and how she will perceive life and people in general, for many do not realize this age is an impressionable age, much will form who each eventually becomes as a woman. Mezoo who is younger, she also is stepping into new things, from feelings to situations, she moves toward something that I am not sure she or others are ready for, but I know not to say yes or no to these things, for I know each must learn some things on their own, because at this age, and we are all guilty of it, we think we know our hearts, we think we know life, but we don't, and sometimes I wonder if we really ever do. And maybe we are not meant to. I have watched how she is able to mimic the ways of the older ones, this could mistakeningly lead others to believe she has a knowledge,wisdom and experience she does not. It is natural to do this, I think we have all done so at one point in our lives, I did it once when I was much younger than her and I thought Chulun was going to rip my tongue out of my head. After that I never did such things where he could see, perhaps that is why I sort of found it a bit amusing. I hope that she starts to use her own ways because when the time comes to face the first challenge of life she will not be able to handle it not having developed her own way yet, she has a desire to learn so that is a good sign and she is observant of things around her. She had questions and I could see within her head there were many more, I do not mind answering questions when asked. Each have potential for many things, I gleaned much information from them both in that short time. They both hold much hope for what the future brings. I wonder what the future will bring for them I do think it will be interesting to watch.
Ayguili joined us some time later after Yamka left, I observed the interaction between Mezoo and Ayguili, I would be lying if I said I was not concerned, the reasons have nothing to do with either one in particular because I do not feel anything truly bad of either, but I do have an unsettling feeling, perhaps one or both may get hurt and I would not wish to see this, and perhaps because I do not think either are ready for anything beyond a friendship, for many reasons, none of which are personal to me, because I have no vested interest in this other than one I consider a friend and I care, and the other because she is trying to earn her way into tribe and learn her clan, and I would hate to see her get off track and also I would not like to see her hurt either, I don't know her well, but she has tuchuk blood, that makes her worth caring about. I had left because I felt as if I were a third wheel so to speak. That is the first, and well I had to go anyway for I had much work to do.
When I returned Cana was by the main fires, that was a relief because that meant that there would be someone to talk to, we spoke of my grandson for I had stopped by her wagon to see her, I am proud of her and her children, she has done so many wonderful things. She asked of Lochlans father, there is so much I could tell her of his father and his people, but that would take a very, very long time, so I sort of summarized a short bit of him,Lochlans father was a full blooded mamba, and he was most definitely a cannibal, I refrained from the detail of this, I highlighted the good of him, his courage and his honor, and that he was the first man to teach me what real true love was, Ayguili asked if I loved him very much, and I did, I loved him with every fiber of my being. He had also asked how I came to be mated to someone of the jungles, and I gave a short version of that as well, because that was an entire story as well. Lochley had allowed me to be me and he was himself, and yet we had a path as one. He was wild and untamable, uncivilized, but he knew what love was. I think Ayguili thinks that this restored my faith in love and men, it did for a while, but it was short lived, Brutus, Gaspar and Shi would show me how wrong I was. After Lochley I lived thru the darkest times of my life and yet also there was good as well, but it is overshadowed, I did not speak of these things. That would bore the life out of people, so I left it at the little bit I did reveal.
Asria joined us, now I have noticed the baggy clothing and I also have noticed a few changes and I know what conclusions I draw, and I have calculated a few dates, but surely I can not be right in what I have deducted because that would mean she would be just a couple months shy of giving birth if she were pregnant, no I can not be right in what I feel. However, my thoughts on this were interrupted by her words by the fire , this gave me concern and ticked me off a bit and I know that Cana was upset, I do not think she realizes just how she made Fonce look, and how she made him look in front of the Ubar, now I know Fonce to be honorable and he takes his responsibilities seriously. And right now she has made him look less than honorable. Cana left upset and I cant say that I blame her she was upset of the possibility that Fonce would do such, but I think she knows that he would not and later in the night we would speak of it.
That left me once more with Ayguili and Mezoo, and all I can say is this, I had not believed when I heard that he ignored others when Mezoo was around, surely this was incorrect, but fact is I was surprised beyond words to have it happen twice to me in one night, I saw enough to know I wont stay at the fires with just the two of them again, finally after a while had to tell the two of them perhaps they should just get mated, yes, they irritated me to that point, I had to remind Ayguili in a less than subtle way that he was forgetting things he himself, spoke off, because he was not following them, interesting how when a man is ruled by infatuation or lust that they change their thoughts, the master of his own destiny indeed, I was not telling him what to do or what not to do, but reminding him of his own concerns he voiced. Skies forgive me for saying anything, because in that moment he made much clear, and it left no doubt in my mind of what that message was. And I pointed out to him how they are acting, that they push everyone else out of the world when it is the two of them, as an Ubar he cannot do that, and in the moment as a tribal member and supposed friend I was made to feel like a stranger at the fires. They could have taken a whip to me dipped in black pepper and it would have hurt less.
There is more to my thoughts, but they are not important now, but it does drift into my mind the words spoken the night before, and his concern of how these two young women may take his actions and words as more than friendship, as he himself said he was not ready to mate, One day I hope he will find such a joy and happiness, but I think there is much of himself he has to step out of and yet learn, and we briefly spoke on this and he had agreed we would speak further on it. He has much potential and is learning much, so I am not sure he realizes that in asking another man to get to know a woman is basically asking to court them, that is a step to mating. I see the infatuation of both because it is way to obvious to be ignored by me or others, and I am not the only one that has felt closed out by them, I had not believed it until tonight, because it was my thought that he would not do this, at least my thought was not intentionally, I have never seen such actions, but imagine my surprise when I had it happen twice in one night.
I have mixed thoughts on this, because the first time I would say it was not even realized by him because of something I said, I realized he did not see it, but the second time he was made aware of it and continued it anyway, so in that I would have to formulate that he was aware and the actions were then intentional. Because of this I have to admit this not only disappointed me but hurt,is that what you do to a friend, or maybe I am not such. I don't think he understood my words, maybe he is younger than I thought, or maybe he just did not want to acknowledge the truth of them, either way I find I am alright with this. I think I have begun to detach myself a little to much that I have let the emotion go that quick, or maybe it is just me stepping back behind the walls I had lowered, I left the fires after a while I am willing to wager it was not even noticed, in fact I know it wasn't for what happened next confirmed such.
After I had left the main fires I decided to stop by the stream to see how some of the plants I planted there were fairing, when I heard someone nearing, when I looked up it was Yamka and she was stumbling and crying, I saw hurt and pain in her eyes and I had wondered what had happened. She spoke of walking in on Mezoo and Ayguili at the fires and that they were holding hands. Well what do I say to this, or better yet how do I help guide her thru what she is feeling very deeply.
I listened to her thoughts and what she felt, I knew she had to get it out before she could move on, she felt betrayed by Mezoo, for she had confided in her of her feelings and was hurt that she made moves for the warrior, she felt friends did not do this to friends. Well, I could have shielded her from the reality of life, but what would that do, yes friends have done such to each other, it has happened many times all over Gor, even here in the tribe, I could have told her of how one betrayed me, but that is a secret only two others know of. The foolish part of me that still tries to protect others somehow still flourishes within me. So I tried to explain to her that the action may not have been intentional, it may have been something that just happened. I offered what I could to help her understand, but I do not think really anything I would say would change how she felt or saw things. I did suggest to her that sometimes things are not intentional, things sometimes between people just happen without any planning, and sometimes things are not always as they seem, but would you risk losing a friendship over such?
And holding hands does not always mean a man wants a woman it could be a gesture of many things. Men and women often have friendships that are close but that doesn't mean anything, I tried to tell her you just don't give up on what you feel, because of one thing, nothing is set in stone, who is to say that the two will or will not be together ,no one knows what will or will not happen in life. No one knows what bond may form between any two people or any group of people, I also explained to her that when it comes to men, many a friendship has been lost, and when it comes to women many a friendship has been lost. And yes what she has seen or felt may hurt like hell, the first time is like a kailla kicking you in the gut, and in truth it never gets easier, but I would suggest she not give up a friendship with either of them because of this.To do so would be to lose something important and valuable. Cana joined us and also offered advice, she used similar thoughts and words, sometimes she sounds a lot like me. I am not sure if we helped or not but I hope we did.
After Yamka left, we spoke on what had happened and I told her of how I felt at the fires, I think she was as surprised as I was. I think I am just more hurt that I had asked several times to speak with him but I am given the brush off as if he is to busy, but he has shown where his priorities lie. Its not like I am in the urt race to have him, good skies does anyone even think I would try to capture the heart of any of the warriors that are often around,no, I don't think so, not even I am that foolish. I have already seen most of them prefer the young pristine virgins or the ones that are blatant in their sexuality, women like me, we are often over looked and we remain alone for a long time. And I don't want anyone who cant accept me as me, or see just what all they do get when they have me, see too many wrong assumptions have been made,which prevents anyone from seeing what is there. Besides I am old enough to be a grandmother to most of them, what would they have in common with me, how would any be able to relate, they cant now, imagine if there was that complication. I am not a glutton for punishment. I am used to this so I would be surprised to see other wise truth be told. As I told Cana it does not matter now because the one thing I needed help with, well the time has passed to far now and I have taken care of it myself, right or wrong I did what was needed for my son. And the other things, shoot I have now forgotten what I had wanted.
I had to chuckle as we spoke that she suddenly called me by my full name. I love Cana and she sees everyone as beautiful, but I have to love her even more for her passion and words, but I know the truth of myself, I am passable, I am a bit to short, actually I am shorter than most and I am bit to old, and I am very flawed, I have a curve to my hip but nothing like Dash, my breasts are just enough to be soft and full but definitely not like Silks, I do not have an exotic look to me, I do not have the blue eyes everyone seems to admire, and I don't have the dark eyes that you can get lost in their fathomless depths, I have simple shades of violet, I have two sharpened teeth that few ever see. Brutus once told me that because of them I would be seen as ugly to those outside of the jungles, I have a passionate, temperamental, stubborn firey nature, go figure given my dominant element is fire and the other is water.. Lots of emotion and will there. That is like being doubly cursed, I am no raving beauty like my sisters or even others of the tribe, and I am cool with that,I have earned my badges of courage and honor.I have been blessed to have loved and been loved, I have been blessed with children and had adventures that many only dream of. So all and all, I would say, the skies have given me much so I am good with the lesser things.
I just don't like a few things that have occurred, And I allow myself to feel it, and now I let it go. Life is ongoing people always reveal much. And Life is to short to really dwell on these things.
For the most part I do well surviving on my own, but once in a while there is this sudden slash of emotions that will slice thru me and painfully remind me of things. Always in the night it is the most painful. And I think also it is in the night that my mind slows and many thoughts come pouring thru, sometimes it is from others who seek help thru dreams, and other times it is just what flows about the camp, I do not know the answer, I only know I often find myself out here, riding, thinking and just feeling the comfort of the plains wrapping about me, perhaps the plains is my companion now.
Eclipse moves with a slow gentle gait, like with Mist Runner I rarely have to give a command, he knows what I want, because he is in tuned to me. But he is still a temperamental beast that would sooner take a bite out of someone than let them near.
As I ride my thoughts drift to things of the day and those I have spent some time with. Yamka and Mezoo joined me at the fires, I spoke with them of various things, yet as I did, I also was observing much of them the small things of each. I have yet to make any definitive thoughts but I have formed a basic opinion of each. Now this could change as each day passes for we as people are ever changing ever growing, and they are both young and innocent, the harsh realities of life have not yet painted a story upon them. There is time for them to learn these things, I hope they do not try to rush life for we grow up all to fast, I hope they take the time to cherish each day, and embrace everything life throws at them for eventually they will face the challenges that bring not only the greatest of joys but the deepest of sorrows, or perhaps they will never know the bad things of life, I have seen some go thru life without experiencing these things.
I watch each begin to step into themselves and learn new things, there is a desire to learn, and that says something for them,but I restrain myself from really forming any true opinion, I watch as Yamka steps into herself and the first pains of confusion and feelings for a warrior have touched her, it is a difficult time and also how it is handled by the warrior and others will mold how she handles it or recovers from it, and how she will perceive life and people in general, for many do not realize this age is an impressionable age, much will form who each eventually becomes as a woman. Mezoo who is younger, she also is stepping into new things, from feelings to situations, she moves toward something that I am not sure she or others are ready for, but I know not to say yes or no to these things, for I know each must learn some things on their own, because at this age, and we are all guilty of it, we think we know our hearts, we think we know life, but we don't, and sometimes I wonder if we really ever do. And maybe we are not meant to. I have watched how she is able to mimic the ways of the older ones, this could mistakeningly lead others to believe she has a knowledge,wisdom and experience she does not. It is natural to do this, I think we have all done so at one point in our lives, I did it once when I was much younger than her and I thought Chulun was going to rip my tongue out of my head. After that I never did such things where he could see, perhaps that is why I sort of found it a bit amusing. I hope that she starts to use her own ways because when the time comes to face the first challenge of life she will not be able to handle it not having developed her own way yet, she has a desire to learn so that is a good sign and she is observant of things around her. She had questions and I could see within her head there were many more, I do not mind answering questions when asked. Each have potential for many things, I gleaned much information from them both in that short time. They both hold much hope for what the future brings. I wonder what the future will bring for them I do think it will be interesting to watch.
Ayguili joined us some time later after Yamka left, I observed the interaction between Mezoo and Ayguili, I would be lying if I said I was not concerned, the reasons have nothing to do with either one in particular because I do not feel anything truly bad of either, but I do have an unsettling feeling, perhaps one or both may get hurt and I would not wish to see this, and perhaps because I do not think either are ready for anything beyond a friendship, for many reasons, none of which are personal to me, because I have no vested interest in this other than one I consider a friend and I care, and the other because she is trying to earn her way into tribe and learn her clan, and I would hate to see her get off track and also I would not like to see her hurt either, I don't know her well, but she has tuchuk blood, that makes her worth caring about. I had left because I felt as if I were a third wheel so to speak. That is the first, and well I had to go anyway for I had much work to do.
When I returned Cana was by the main fires, that was a relief because that meant that there would be someone to talk to, we spoke of my grandson for I had stopped by her wagon to see her, I am proud of her and her children, she has done so many wonderful things. She asked of Lochlans father, there is so much I could tell her of his father and his people, but that would take a very, very long time, so I sort of summarized a short bit of him,Lochlans father was a full blooded mamba, and he was most definitely a cannibal, I refrained from the detail of this, I highlighted the good of him, his courage and his honor, and that he was the first man to teach me what real true love was, Ayguili asked if I loved him very much, and I did, I loved him with every fiber of my being. He had also asked how I came to be mated to someone of the jungles, and I gave a short version of that as well, because that was an entire story as well. Lochley had allowed me to be me and he was himself, and yet we had a path as one. He was wild and untamable, uncivilized, but he knew what love was. I think Ayguili thinks that this restored my faith in love and men, it did for a while, but it was short lived, Brutus, Gaspar and Shi would show me how wrong I was. After Lochley I lived thru the darkest times of my life and yet also there was good as well, but it is overshadowed, I did not speak of these things. That would bore the life out of people, so I left it at the little bit I did reveal.
Asria joined us, now I have noticed the baggy clothing and I also have noticed a few changes and I know what conclusions I draw, and I have calculated a few dates, but surely I can not be right in what I have deducted because that would mean she would be just a couple months shy of giving birth if she were pregnant, no I can not be right in what I feel. However, my thoughts on this were interrupted by her words by the fire , this gave me concern and ticked me off a bit and I know that Cana was upset, I do not think she realizes just how she made Fonce look, and how she made him look in front of the Ubar, now I know Fonce to be honorable and he takes his responsibilities seriously. And right now she has made him look less than honorable. Cana left upset and I cant say that I blame her she was upset of the possibility that Fonce would do such, but I think she knows that he would not and later in the night we would speak of it.
That left me once more with Ayguili and Mezoo, and all I can say is this, I had not believed when I heard that he ignored others when Mezoo was around, surely this was incorrect, but fact is I was surprised beyond words to have it happen twice to me in one night, I saw enough to know I wont stay at the fires with just the two of them again, finally after a while had to tell the two of them perhaps they should just get mated, yes, they irritated me to that point, I had to remind Ayguili in a less than subtle way that he was forgetting things he himself, spoke off, because he was not following them, interesting how when a man is ruled by infatuation or lust that they change their thoughts, the master of his own destiny indeed, I was not telling him what to do or what not to do, but reminding him of his own concerns he voiced. Skies forgive me for saying anything, because in that moment he made much clear, and it left no doubt in my mind of what that message was. And I pointed out to him how they are acting, that they push everyone else out of the world when it is the two of them, as an Ubar he cannot do that, and in the moment as a tribal member and supposed friend I was made to feel like a stranger at the fires. They could have taken a whip to me dipped in black pepper and it would have hurt less.
There is more to my thoughts, but they are not important now, but it does drift into my mind the words spoken the night before, and his concern of how these two young women may take his actions and words as more than friendship, as he himself said he was not ready to mate, One day I hope he will find such a joy and happiness, but I think there is much of himself he has to step out of and yet learn, and we briefly spoke on this and he had agreed we would speak further on it. He has much potential and is learning much, so I am not sure he realizes that in asking another man to get to know a woman is basically asking to court them, that is a step to mating. I see the infatuation of both because it is way to obvious to be ignored by me or others, and I am not the only one that has felt closed out by them, I had not believed it until tonight, because it was my thought that he would not do this, at least my thought was not intentionally, I have never seen such actions, but imagine my surprise when I had it happen twice in one night.
I have mixed thoughts on this, because the first time I would say it was not even realized by him because of something I said, I realized he did not see it, but the second time he was made aware of it and continued it anyway, so in that I would have to formulate that he was aware and the actions were then intentional. Because of this I have to admit this not only disappointed me but hurt,is that what you do to a friend, or maybe I am not such. I don't think he understood my words, maybe he is younger than I thought, or maybe he just did not want to acknowledge the truth of them, either way I find I am alright with this. I think I have begun to detach myself a little to much that I have let the emotion go that quick, or maybe it is just me stepping back behind the walls I had lowered, I left the fires after a while I am willing to wager it was not even noticed, in fact I know it wasn't for what happened next confirmed such.
After I had left the main fires I decided to stop by the stream to see how some of the plants I planted there were fairing, when I heard someone nearing, when I looked up it was Yamka and she was stumbling and crying, I saw hurt and pain in her eyes and I had wondered what had happened. She spoke of walking in on Mezoo and Ayguili at the fires and that they were holding hands. Well what do I say to this, or better yet how do I help guide her thru what she is feeling very deeply.
I listened to her thoughts and what she felt, I knew she had to get it out before she could move on, she felt betrayed by Mezoo, for she had confided in her of her feelings and was hurt that she made moves for the warrior, she felt friends did not do this to friends. Well, I could have shielded her from the reality of life, but what would that do, yes friends have done such to each other, it has happened many times all over Gor, even here in the tribe, I could have told her of how one betrayed me, but that is a secret only two others know of. The foolish part of me that still tries to protect others somehow still flourishes within me. So I tried to explain to her that the action may not have been intentional, it may have been something that just happened. I offered what I could to help her understand, but I do not think really anything I would say would change how she felt or saw things. I did suggest to her that sometimes things are not intentional, things sometimes between people just happen without any planning, and sometimes things are not always as they seem, but would you risk losing a friendship over such?
And holding hands does not always mean a man wants a woman it could be a gesture of many things. Men and women often have friendships that are close but that doesn't mean anything, I tried to tell her you just don't give up on what you feel, because of one thing, nothing is set in stone, who is to say that the two will or will not be together ,no one knows what will or will not happen in life. No one knows what bond may form between any two people or any group of people, I also explained to her that when it comes to men, many a friendship has been lost, and when it comes to women many a friendship has been lost. And yes what she has seen or felt may hurt like hell, the first time is like a kailla kicking you in the gut, and in truth it never gets easier, but I would suggest she not give up a friendship with either of them because of this.To do so would be to lose something important and valuable. Cana joined us and also offered advice, she used similar thoughts and words, sometimes she sounds a lot like me. I am not sure if we helped or not but I hope we did.
After Yamka left, we spoke on what had happened and I told her of how I felt at the fires, I think she was as surprised as I was. I think I am just more hurt that I had asked several times to speak with him but I am given the brush off as if he is to busy, but he has shown where his priorities lie. Its not like I am in the urt race to have him, good skies does anyone even think I would try to capture the heart of any of the warriors that are often around,no, I don't think so, not even I am that foolish. I have already seen most of them prefer the young pristine virgins or the ones that are blatant in their sexuality, women like me, we are often over looked and we remain alone for a long time. And I don't want anyone who cant accept me as me, or see just what all they do get when they have me, see too many wrong assumptions have been made,which prevents anyone from seeing what is there. Besides I am old enough to be a grandmother to most of them, what would they have in common with me, how would any be able to relate, they cant now, imagine if there was that complication. I am not a glutton for punishment. I am used to this so I would be surprised to see other wise truth be told. As I told Cana it does not matter now because the one thing I needed help with, well the time has passed to far now and I have taken care of it myself, right or wrong I did what was needed for my son. And the other things, shoot I have now forgotten what I had wanted.
I had to chuckle as we spoke that she suddenly called me by my full name. I love Cana and she sees everyone as beautiful, but I have to love her even more for her passion and words, but I know the truth of myself, I am passable, I am a bit to short, actually I am shorter than most and I am bit to old, and I am very flawed, I have a curve to my hip but nothing like Dash, my breasts are just enough to be soft and full but definitely not like Silks, I do not have an exotic look to me, I do not have the blue eyes everyone seems to admire, and I don't have the dark eyes that you can get lost in their fathomless depths, I have simple shades of violet, I have two sharpened teeth that few ever see. Brutus once told me that because of them I would be seen as ugly to those outside of the jungles, I have a passionate, temperamental, stubborn firey nature, go figure given my dominant element is fire and the other is water.. Lots of emotion and will there. That is like being doubly cursed, I am no raving beauty like my sisters or even others of the tribe, and I am cool with that,I have earned my badges of courage and honor.I have been blessed to have loved and been loved, I have been blessed with children and had adventures that many only dream of. So all and all, I would say, the skies have given me much so I am good with the lesser things.
I just don't like a few things that have occurred, And I allow myself to feel it, and now I let it go. Life is ongoing people always reveal much. And Life is to short to really dwell on these things.
