I do not know how long I sat there listening to the old one's voice, but I know that somewhere along the way I no longer heard her, I felt as if I were floating and drifting along the surface of a tranquil lake, I was relaxed and my mind open and calm, no thought no emotion. Empty like a blank canvas, this was a place I liked and savored because it was where you could feel serenity, peace and calm,it was a place I never liked to leave because it felt so wonderful.
Eventually the ancient ones voice broke thru the shroud of silence, but it was soft and calm as if to measure up to the ambiance of what I was feeling, "It is time for you to return my child." she would state and her voice would guide me back to a level of awareness. As I opened my eyes there was a feeling of having rested for a long period of time. I noticed that every thing around me was brighter, crisper and the ahn of day was significantly later. The ancient one would laugh low, " This will take longer than I thought, you should have come to see me sooner." I had to smile, that was as close to hearing that she made a mistake or misjudgment that anyone would ever hear. It reminds me that each of are wrong at various times of various things, even a haruspex can and will misread something or be wrong in something, for we are not infallible no matter how old or experienced we just happen to make less the older we get. No one is perfect, and behind my smile was the knowledge that I often make mistakes, I like to think of it as a patchwork of experience and life woven together to bring forth who we really are.
Though sometimes I find myself asking myself that question, who are you or who am I?
I have had many thoughts and shed many tears lately, I have seen things that are troubling to me, but I have remained quiet, there was a time when my thoughts and opinions mattered, but that time has passed. I hear the things some speak to others thinking it will not travel along the wings of the winds. Does what has been said hurt, yes it does, it wounds me deeply, but I will not reveal it. I have an understanding of many things now that I had not before, there are some things I follow and believe that others no longer do,I have always felt some change is good if it still entwines with some of the basic traditions that make us uniquely tuchuk. There are things I have wanted to do but there always seems to be obstacles. But, the future is in the hands of youth, and they have made it clear that ones like me have no use here, does that make me less than others? When did I being a relic and when did I become an outsider looking in, is it the youth that seem to be around only when each other is and ensuring that you know they do not want bothered with you unless they have to, and that they only speak to you when certain people are around. And yet at the same time others have encouraged this and done things to reveal that it is alright to do so. I have come to a decision that I will no extend myself to try and teach and guide or be a friend, I have tried several times only to meet with resistance or to be just blown off as if the evening breeze had ruffled the grasses much has been revealed and made clear to me. I am not stupid, I never have been, I have always seen much, been loyal and have never broken my word when I give it. It is a shame I am not old enough to be taking my last journey. Maybe I read the dream wrong, maybe I was supposed to follow Garyx.
Suddenly without warning that hand landed across the back of my head with a force one would not expect, "You have not misread the dream, it is not your time, and stop that you are allowing the thoughts of others affect your vision, that is not like you." I had to rub my head for someone who couldn't see she had good aim, "Go in the wagon and change," she would command and I stepped into the wagon and stripped out of my clothing into the white vest and skirt that was hanging there it fitted a bit to snug for my liking and there were two splits instead of one, a bit to revealing and I was not sure why she had me wear it, but I could smell various oils that had been rubbed into it, and I understood. I could hear her as she spoke, "You should follow what you tell others, they have to learn some things, the thassa draws back only to return to the shores." I raised a brow, as I walked out of the wagon, feeling entirely too girlie, "We aren't on the
thassa ", I would remind her and she would just chuckle. " You have been rebuilding that wall since Garyx died Hallena and don't lose yourself because of it,you have not trusted in others for a very long time. The dream revealed much to you, if you will but look. "
I almost rolled my eyes at that, I knew what she spoke of, but I was determined to not allow myself to feel anything again for anyone. I glanced about as we walked from the wagon across the plains. " I think it is wiser to," I would have said more but I rather liked my head on my shoulders.
She would touch my arm. " What would you tell another who came to you with such thoughts." She would ask gently, and I had to cut a look at her, and noticed that knowing smile, "I would tell them that a herlit must expand its wings to grow and survive. That a newborn bosk must stand on its own in order to find its way and gain strength." I would state. "It is human nature to want to grow and reach out for more." She would nod, " Very good, and?" I tried to find a way to dodge that part, " And that while we may suffer the pain of losing those we love or lose at love, that from each experience we grow and learn more of what we want and don't want, that each path leads to something more than what was had. And that the joy of sharing your heart with another as a mate is a priceless gift to be cherished and to not give up in something that is so powerful and beautiful" I would state, not sure how I really wanted to word that. She would nod once more as we walked I noticed that we had come to an area that had off to the right side a large circle of fire, and not far from it was another circle that held water, and the same distance there was another with dirt and from it followed a circle with feathers and burning sage, these all created a bigger circle.
" Stand in the center." I did not question it even though I was curious, " You must touch all the emotions that have been flowing within you for the past few hands and the reasons for them, you must delve deep and look at the ones you push aside or hide." I looked at her as if she had lost her mind, she knows what can happen if I do not control my emotions especially around the elements. I started to say something and with a motion of her hand and a look she silenced me. " I know what happens which is why we are way out here away from anything or anyone that could be accidentally harmed. This is one time I want you to not focus on control,something that you have exceptional skill with, which is sometimes a problem. Now I want you to let it go and let the elements have the free reign that they should."
Yes I thought to myself something has addled her brain what she is asking me to do would bring forth a storm and would also cause the elements themselves to grow and flourish into a vortex of energy that was not controllable, did this bother me, oh hell yes it did, it even scared the hell out of me. I endeavor to never ever lose control, even when I have been mated a part of me controls certain things so that some things do not happen, can you imagine the surprise of a man when he makes love to you suddenly he feels the warmth of a fire or other things about him. Fortunately that has never occured. Although I do have some surprised that have nothing to do with being a spex.
"Do it." She would command. I knew there was no going backward I had no choice, reluctantly I gave in and stepped to the middle of the circle and I closed my eyes to see what I was to do. "Close your eyes." I did as she asked of me. "Now go back into time back to when you first stood in this circle as a young woman"
I wasn't sure why she was asking me to do so, but I allowed myself to relax feeling everything around me as I found myself standing in this same spot, I was very young.
"Now tell me what you see "
