Life and Death the way of the Plains

It has been quiet about the camp eerily quiet. And yet in a way it is that quiet that is soothing and calming. But I have never really liked the quiet. It never lasts and when it breaks its silence something traumatic or bad usually occurs. So it kind of puts me on the edge of that path I walk. Watching.. waiting.

Father has been busy within the tribe, keeping things together until Fonce is found, he has not given up on him and I see patrols of men that are specially put together to search for him. We the clan have been asked to help as well. We have done what we can as a clan, and know that Fonce is aware of such as he knows each of us would give our all to help him. But, the skies will not yet even let us see or know. I sit back for a moment and I think back to when I last saw him, try to recall what was said, was there a hint within a conversation? I think of the day the journey to the southern camp began, and how we felt the pull to remain behind. The storms and the baby bosk all have meaning and surround his sudden disappearance. I walked by Tzuri 's wagon a few times but I have not seen her there, no one has seen her, I thought to check upon her given her mate is missing, it is not easy to wait to know if he will return or not. At this time I do not feel that the shadows have claimed him, I feel he is walking a very difficult path and taking on a very heavy task that only he can walk thru, each of us as a spex have had to walk such a path at least once in our lives, when we get thru it we find a part of ourselves that is needed to be found, and a strength within ourselves that we did not know we had. A few have died on this path, I know I nearly did once. As much as we want to interfere we know we cant, we can only wait and continue to try and find him I know the skies will allow it when it is time, I just wish they would soon. I worry about him.

There have been a few things I have heard and seen about the plains I sort of find it amusing. You really get an idea of who is tuchuk pure and true and who is not. You see who is true to the tribe and who is not. You also find out very fast who you can count on at your back and who you cannot . We have plenty that are pretend tuchuk as I like to call them. It is easy to find them, just look for those that put themselves before tribe, the ones who do not bother to be around tribe unless certain people are about, it is called selective tribal membership, something not like a tuchuk. The ones that sneak about looking for tidbits here and there so they can act like they know what is going on within the tribe, but do they really? Nope, because they don't have the bond or understanding to truly know. Would I trust them to protect my back or those of the tribe ? Hell no, I sure wouldn't. I just watch as they prance about all embraced in gaiety and pretending to see and be what they are not. I have heard of one that thinks that spirits appear and speak to them,not likely, funny thing is one that rides the skies would not appear or take the form of another to a young one not of the clan. Not even the young ones of the clan have that happen. I do find some things vastly amusing, and yet there is a sorrow for the decline, now I bet if Fonce were to be found tomorrow, suddenly you would see all these missing tuchuks with some story of how they did this or did that, fact is. Not a one has done anything but what is for themselves. And eventually the shroud of blindness is removed and the true colors of such are revealed. I have seen that happen way to many times over the turnings. As have others that have been here since a few were but a wet dream to their parents.

Ba'atar and I have a wager, now I do not make it to win or lose, in truth I have not looked to see the truth of it though I could. I made it just for the fun of it. Now he is insistent that his first few children will be boys, but there is that hint of the what if it is a girl. So, I of course had to tease him and tell him its a girl or maybe even twins one of each. I could not help it, he just well, opened that door and I had to walk thru it. I wagered that he will have a girl. My wager is not as a spex, but just as one friend with another. Leonette also got in on the wager as did father. There is something else he said that sticks in my brain, and I had a glimmer of thought about it. I will have to think on this more.

Silk returned, I had heard the shadows speak of Seths death, it came as no surprise. The shadows and skies have been calling his name for some time, and now his time had come. He now rides the skies. My heart goes out to her, but she is doing better than I thought. She will walk thru this one far better off than she was when she stepped into that ring of fire and osts. It is my hope that she has found herself on this journey and sees that her happiness first and always must come from within, when it is right the one destined to walk her circle will join her. Only the strong survive the plains, and even Gor. So those of us that are well over the age of thirty a few times over. We are a pretty hearty strong bunch. And we have roots and blood in the plains, we will weather whatever storm comes our way, we will bend and almost fall, But in the end we will always remain rooted and flourishing in the plains.

Because we have already learned long ago what it means to be a part of the plains, to be a tuchuk.

And we will never change that for anyone no matter who they are. No matter how unpopular we will remain true to the ways. The old ways of the people, not this weak new way of doing things. We live and die upon the embrace of the plains. Our blood soaks the ground. We are bound to those that came before us.

Rebuilding

I find myself tired, in fact I am exhausted. There is talk of planning a festival I do not add to the discussions as in truth I do not feel like celebrating anything, the farther away from such things the better. I am just not in the mind set for singing, dancing and festivities. So that I leave to my father and Cana.. They seem to all excited about it.

Oh yes there go those surges of those negative emotions creeping in, the whispered words of what this one is doing and why or that one and why, all designed I know to cause hurt, anger and jealousy. Things I rarely indulge in such intensity and feelings are alien in a way and I do not like how they are making me feel, they drain me, it is as if I never get to rest it is a constant bombardment , how much longer before I break? How much more can I take..

I still do not have the answers on how to make it stop. Nor do I know who to turn to that could even help.

I had been working upstream and then wondered down towards the usual gathering place, Ba 'atar was there, I made enough splish splash sounds as I walked but he was absorbed in writing, I was surprised to see that he could read and write, it wasn't a common thing among the people and the few that could kept it to themselves . When he was done he spoke to the skies asking a question, okay I could not help myself I answered. I had a brief moment of a smile at his shock at hearing a reply then he realized it was me. There was for a moment a hole in the darkness. I could see that he wondered if I saw that he could read and write and well I did not reveal if I did or not, true to the way of any tuchuk, he did not reveal that he could, and I true to the clan, kept yet another bit of information stored away and locked away from others.

He asked me to join him, a bit reluctantly I did so. We spoke of various things, before we focused on the situation that lay between us like an open wound that was festering, it was time to debride the necrotic areas to allow life to flourish once more within the bonds of friendship, to embrace the familial bond that had grown and to restore the synapses for what once was to connect again. I gave some of my thoughts and feelings. Just as he did. There are some things I did not speak of not because I felt I couldn't but some things in truth are just to small to be of import. I think that we have stepped past this and once more my brother and friend has been returned.

But I am not sure, my own perceptions and thoughts are still clouded,I am lately never sure of what is true and what is not , what is real and what is not, visions are faulty and distorted, emotions to intense and labile. Right now I am not sure of anything.

But I have hope.. I have missed my friend... my family...

There is hope he spoke of a child waiting to see his grandmother. Perhaps in this moment it is not a trick of darkness.. But in fact the truth.

The first steps obstructed

It is strange of late of how I have been drawn to the stream, wether to relax or to work. Is it because water is emotion and it soothes my soul. Or did the skies have other reasons. As it seemed that when I arrived Ba'atar would arrive or already be there. Did I mention the skies have a warped sense of humor?


I was sitting there relaxing by the stream when he arrived a few days ago. He offered me jerky and I accepted, no words are at the moment needed. Although each had thought that much was apparent, and as fate would have just as we took those first tentative steps to explore the situation that was a wall between us, Ramza 's slave nakia arrived. I am familiar with her and have seen and heard much in various ways. To my surprise she all but seemed to ignore Ba'atar and I was about to say something when he beat me to it, go figure that darn warriors they always have to take the fun out of allowing a woman to torment a slave, I was going to leave body parts in place. Well that was until she had the audacity to touch me. Now, not even most of the free touch me unless they are close to me and even then I have a keen idea they are going to so I can ensure I do not feel all their thoughts and emotions. But no slave ever touches me and lives and I felt my temper beneath the surface begin to rise, and fortunately for her Ba 'atar was annoyed enough to dismiss her. I find it interesting the change in slaves when they have a personal collar of a warrior. Do they think it protects them. It is no secret if one displeases me I will remove a tongue and then the eyes and give their owner what I think they are worth.

Suffice it to say it ruined any chance of discussion for he was definitely not in a good mood after that.

I did think of offering him use of the wet leather strips and honey I have. I know where there is an awesome ant hill.

Did I mention... I was not a nice woman.

A glimpse of light in the dark

Garyx has been hunting as I wander aimlessly upon the plains, it is a restlessness that I can not shake. Even though I have been working from the time I get up until the time I lay down to my furs to sleep.

I have been working on a gift for Ramza and Leonette, as he has claimed her as his mate, she told me that my father gave his permission. I am glad to see her find happiness, I was worried about her for a while as I knew her heart had been set on another and there were various things that occurred that could have lead to a different path, but as always things work out as they are supposed to.

Silken I have not seen for some time, I know that she is not within the camp, I have felt variants in her emotions, I am not sure what all has occurred but it is my hope that she will find her way, perhaps upon her journey she will find the guidance that has been given to her but not seen.

I saw Polunu and Aiyana by the fires, it was a pleasant surprise, it is good to see them happy. She is aglow with the pending birth of their first child,she only just starting to show but it is the feeling of new life for the first time that is somehow more special than the others, that is not to say children after the first mean less or are less loved or special they aren't, but it is that first time experiencing that leaves a life long impression .
Cana joined us as well, she also is with child. While I am happy for her I think a part of me has a bitter sweet feeling, we all must go on in life, somehow you do not expect people to move that fast, but they often do. I have made her teas and offered some to Aiyana as well, I have made them for many a pregnant woman since I was mated to Lochlan , it does help them to be able to eat and rest as well as give them the nutrients they need.

Garyx returned from his hunt and joined us, I know he noticed my reserve and quietness at the fires. A politeness that does not hold any emotion to it. For him and my father I do so to ensure peace and tranquility. A few things earned him a couple of looks that clearly said just wait until we get to our wagons. He went as far to ask of our grandson knowing full well we have not seen him or held him, he knows what happened , I know he did it on purpose and then he went just beyond another step and accepted an invite for dinner at Cana and Ba'atars wagon, is he out of his mind and I told him after everyone left that he could go himself. He of course had his way of redirecting my thoughts and talking in a way that allowed him to reach deep within me.

He is only partially out of that sleen house.

Seclusion

Within the light and within the dark.
The shadows they do embark
Two by two you shall go
As the shadows weave to and fro

The answer lays upon the blood's sea
But you are to blind to see
The answer lays within and upon the tribe
As all have felt this darkened vibe

Respect and love is lost
Is it not a steep cost
The darkness shall consume you
The evil will undo you

Only the round of the ground
Can lift and surround
Only the blood of all and yet of one
Can right the wrong and have it all undone.

The words drifted thru my head in a sing song rhythm that made no sense. It was a familiar voice speaking it to me.But yet is was also unknown to me. I tried to figure out what it meant but it was just out of my grasp.
I already knew of the darkness that embraced the plains, I even knew who was behind it. He was an old one, one that feel from the path of what was right and good long ago. My brother Lukus once told me of those that were like him they resided in the jungles just as they reside upon the plains. For us it is a haruspex who no longer walks the path with honor, it is one that no one will speak his name or acknowledge him for upon the plains no one would welcome one who would anger the skies, we are superstitious and for one like us to flip to an extreme that would destroy. What wrong and not accepted it lacked honor.. it lacked courage.

I have felt this darkness before, when Garyx and I were attacked and my mind clouded when this one tried to take me then, had it not been for that other side of Garyx emerging, I am sure I would have endured a rather slow painful death. This one was older than me, older than Orendah and older than all of our elders. I knew what he was doing and yet I could not stop it, I had an idea of the dark emotions that grasp me, the ones that bring my deepest hurts to surface, my disappointments and pain to the surface much like a putrid, maggot infested vine bent on suffocating any good and devouring any light. The words danced in my head over and over, with an urgency that I could not explain.

The past hand has been filled with chaotic emotions and hypersensitivity and I had a feeling of something worse about to happen, I could feel him, almost was if he were within me fighting to merge with me and be a part of me. I do not follow that path, though I know of the darkness within me. Did it mean I had to embrace that part of me to fight this. I shuddered at that, I could not allow that part of me to emerge even though I felt my control slipping with each passing day. I knew what could happen and yet I did not know.

I have kept to myself , once in a while I go to the fires, I am polite. I paste a smile upon my lips. But I no longer feel the love and warmth. In fact I feel like an outsider, many a night I have packed up my wagons and thought to do as so many others have and just depart. For in my mind it is not worth it, I find it kind of sad the assumptions and the need for choices and sides being chosen. If that is the case then those that claim to have loved me truly did not , those that say they know me truly do not. I am used to invalid assumptions of me being made, but not from those who claim to be sisters or tribe. This dark time has shown me much. And I have lost respect for a few. It is possible they will never get it back. I grow weary of the attitudes and the harping of how I did this or I did that. Fact is.. I have a right to speak my mind with or without emotion, if people can't handle it then they should stay away from me I will not apologize for being honest in what I feel. I love how people say I disrespected a man, please had I disrespected anyone they would not be standing. I don't play the diplomat when it comes to what I believe in and fight for. I will no longer fight for people, nor will I fight for family, blood or tribe .

Being a spex does not mean I do not feel. It also does not mean I am not vulnerable and it definitely does not mean I am perfect, I grow so tired of that as well. Let a few find out what it is like to not have me as a friend, a counselor, a healer, a guiding hand, or any other numerous roles I have quietly rendered when needed.

The spex is no longer in. The door is shut. Closed by the one who knows the way. The door is shut.

You figure out how to open it. Because I am not about to.

A Storm of Emotions

How long I sat by the stream I do not know. I had given lily my son and had her take him to my wagons. It was here that I shouted to the skies and vented my frustration, anger and hurt. In the distance I could see a storm that danced along the skies and I used it to direct my anger into until I was exhausted of all emotion.

It has been a long time since I have shed tears, I did not shed them when my son Kane was killed in a hunt, I did not shed them when my son Lochlan was killed by a warrior. I did not shed them for many painful times in my life. Not because I did not want to, but my life has molded that control I hold into place

But as I sit by the stream with my hands buried beneath the surface in the mud. I felt those tears fall into the water sending ripples across the surface. At the moment there was no one to talk to or with, I was in every sense of the word alone.

When the tears came they were for all the times that I did allow them to flow, I cried for my sons and daughters that now ride the skies, the loss of children that yet still live and breathe but were torn from me and brainwashed to follow other beliefs and to forget who their mother was. I cried for those of the tribe lost from us either in death or because they have lost their way. The pain of friends and family and of things within the tribe that affected us all deeply. But, the deepest sorrow I felt was from what felt to be a betrayal and loss of someone I care deeply about, someone as close as a friend as anyone could be. How could he think that I would not wish to talk to him, I had to shake my head.

So few do I allow close to me and I began to wonder if I should keep it that way, each time I let anyone close it seemed to only cause pain. After a while I eventually returned to my wagons and found a restless sleep.

The past few days I have stayed within my circle of wagons, I have not ventured to the clan and I have not ventured to the main fires. Orendah came by and sat with me by my fires, being an elder of the clan and also and elder to me, I offered him food and drink and sat waiting to see what he would say.

But he did not say much, in fact he just added to the confusion that seemed to weave about me. All he said was that it would be friend ,tribe,blood and love that would dissolve the darkness. That all was not lost.

It seemed to me that much was, and I did not argue with him, instead I just stayed at the wagons drying out meat, working on hides and taking care of other things that need to be done.

Yet, I still could hear that old man's chuckle and knowing smile.

Falling Deeper

It has been quite a few days since I have wanted to write or even had the energy to put down thought. When we returned to camp Garyx took me to our wagon there he wrapped me in furs and made me something hot to drink. We spoke of all that happened, he knew I was not one to just suddenly rush off in a fool hardy venture or just take off without a reason. Thankfully he was not angry and while he was not sure of what was happening and did not completely understand, but then neither did I. He listened and did what he could to be there for me. That means very much to me. It is his calmness and strength that regrounds me.

A couple of days after we returned I had gone to the main fires. It has been quiet about the fires, not many seem to venture around it since we arrived. It is as if someone has snuffed out the life of the people. I am at a loss to understand it. And actually to darn tired to contemplate it. I have walked around the camp, there are wagons that have been empty for some time. It is my hope that they will eventually one day find their way back home to the plains, that is where a tuchuk belongs.

There are many I have not seen about, I have not seen the salt keeper or the weaver. I have not seen the singer nor have I seen the drummer. A few leather makers I have not seen either. What has become of people I pondered as I walked around. Not even the slaves have been about. Very strange, but yet is it?

I neared the main fires though I contemplated not going to them, I still did not feel myself, there was a lingering of something as if there were something that walked with me and at times within me taunting and stretching my last nerve. It is an odd feeling. I should have listened to myself. At first all seemed well, Father was there and Silk, something seems to be bothering her but I do not yet know what. She is at odds with something or someone. It is not easy to battle old demons or to battle oneself. Cana arrived with her new son , I feel a familiar ripple of mixed emotions. It was the first I have glimpsed the son of my son. And no matter what anyone says his father is Lochlan. And it pisses me off that this is disregarded that would be like someone else trying to say they are my mother. My mother is dead.. but she is my mother. She is my blood. End of story.

I did my best to keep my emotions in check. I heard Silk speak of someone wanting to impregnate slaves, we don't do that on the plains and I had to ask what moron would suggest that. To my surprise she said Ba'atar surely he jests with her, that is the way of soft lazy dwellers, no tuchuk would taint or weaken his bloodline by having a slave bear a child. It simply is not done the idea is beyond ridiculous. I surely hope he was jesting with her.

I told Cana I was hurt and why, did she understand I do not know. I only know I can only say what I feel and why I feel it. What she does with it is her choice. I feel what I feel and no one can change that. Just as I cant and wont change what they think or feel. In truth it has been her distance and lack of communication that leads me to think that it is not important to her. I feel as if feelings were given with condition , as long as my son was alive we were family now that he is gone we are disposable, is it true, I do not really know it is just how I feel at the moment. Father presented his grandson to the skies just as my son would have wanted and just as tradition has been for turning upon turning, blood presents blood, That is not a hard concept to understand and one all tuchuk respect. Unless they spend to much time around dwellers then they forget much.

All seemed fine that was until Ba 'atar returned, it is interesting that I never before saw such condescension and attitude towards women that borders on him thinking they are but slaves for him to command, I am sorry but just because a man says jump he better not hold his breath in thinking I will ask how high. That treatment may be good for some but it sure doesn't fly with me. The look on his face I knew what it meant, and I let him have it, no holds barred, I have a mouth when I want to and I can as a free woman say what I want,that is something men seem to forget and I bow down to no one, never have and I sure wont start now. Better men than him have tried. Now some might say I disrespected him at the fires and they can think it, I know I did not, I spoke to my mate of what happened. I left before I did disrespect him because it was close to happening. I really don't care who I pissed off, fact remains he broke his word to me he made assurances that he has not followed thru on, not only to me as a spex but to me as a mother and freind, at least I thought we were family and freind, but I begin to think I was wrong in that to, I am just batting a thousand lately. But, to me that is as good as lying and I hate deceit. It really pisses me off, and he uses my grandson as a pawn. Oh no I will not play a part in that. So I have made a decision.

One that cuts me deep in my heart and allows it to bleed profusely. He is tribe I would have his back against an enemy.. I would help if he was in mortal danger. But other than that, I will avoid him and his family to prevent conflict, I will not put Cana in the middle of anything, for I love her still as my own daughter. And I would not do such to my own daughter. I will remain from the fires when they are there so that there is peace.

Garyx caught me at the stream not long after that, I was still pretty furious and hurt and was using the water to try and soothe and calm my emotions. I had to chuckle a bit as I was so focused I did not hear him and he managed to startle me and once more I landed in the water. Noya joined us, she was gathering clay, we spent some time with her and it was nice to visit with her. Trilok has been given things to gather for the bride price, I did not let on that I knew of what he needed and that I had a hand in creating the one gift with the pavaraci jewels and gold wire, I even gave him suggestions on what to do to get the other things. Well, there is no law that says we cant help him along after all, we want to see them joined. They both deserve the happiness they have found.

I cant shake the odd sensations that still hover about me. I swear it is as if someone else is here. But that is a ridiculous thought. . Or is it. I wish my sisters and brothers were here with me. Lukus especially he has ways of working with me and helping me, I trust him and Dina as I trust so few. They are like me and are able to bond with me in a way so few could understand in order to fight whatever it is that is threatening the plains. I can feel it and taste it.. it is predatorial.

I was at the fires for a while sitting with Leonette, I saw Ba 'atar draw near, and I already felt myself preparing for battle, it seemed as if there was always an altercation of some form. And last night was no different. He wanted to talk to me, I wondered about what he made much abundantly clear, did he want to add more salt to an open gouging wound, did he want to dig the knife in deeper, I was not up for it, I really did not want another battle, I could feel that rage boil and swirl within me, I could see in my mind a pot with melted lava and swirls of blackness, that is how I was feeling, I told him when ever he wanted. Now it seems he thinks he is a spex and can feel and know what I think, so his next words indicated, that was the wrong thing to do, put me on the defensive and my claws come out and they did. I even told him to not dare to assume he knew what I felt or thought, he did not know me well enough to do that, not even my own family could do that, and since he didn't want to talk, that was fine with me, I took my son and left the fires, I passed Cana on the way from the fires. I was once more to hurt and angry to speak I just nodded and left, I wouldn't be accused of being disrespectful and I sure wasn't going to leave my self in the position of trying to restrain my temper, my control of late is very strained, I am having a hard time pulling in the emotions.

I find myself beginning to hate this place, I feel deep negative emotions over powering me and I begin to strongly dislike people, it seems to border on hate. I do not know why this is. But it is so powerful that I feel as if I am losing myself, I begin to wonder where I am in the midst of this hurricane of emotion, in this tomb of darkness, I fight to get out but I cant, I am losing the battle. The hurt I feel is deep and profuse, it is as if my blood soaks the ground. The impotence and fury are like an inferno that burns and scalds every part of me.

I need to just stay away from people, nothing good will come from it. I begin to wonder why I stay within this tribe, all the doubts that I have had of things are once more rolling to the surface, there is a strong pull to ride out and let this darkness and anger consume me and let it do what it wants, strangely enough the dark witch does not want to be a part of whatever it is, this fact does not escape me or those of the clan.

They are seeking to find out what is going on. I do not know yet what they have in mind, but I hear whispers of blood for blood, tribe for tribe, love for love drifting in my mind, here we go again with these confusing partial riddles of thought.

Garyx was out on late patrol. . I did not have him to confide in and let out all I felt. But then again, I am not sure that would be wise right now. Yes, I think I am going crazy. But there is a part of me that begins to know who is behind this.. or at least I think, I could be wrong. after all what is true and what is not.

A Step Into the Darkness

Something was coming of this there was no doubt and it thundered across the plains with a reverberation so loud that it was deafening. Riders... many of them and as much as I felt fear I also felt something familiar and yet it was all wrong. There were bosks and kailla running wild and free, in one moment they were almost transparent and yet in another they were so real I could see the lashes around the crimson eyes of them and the rapid heartbeat beneath their hides. Some held riders among them were those gone by that I recognized, sons, daughters, tribal members of present that have left us and those of many turnings ago.

They rushed passed me and I felt unsteady for it felt as if they plowed right thru me with each passing there were images and messages rendered, the pain of it was like millions of shattered glass cutting thru me and thousands of voices speaking all at once. I felt my skin tingle and feel cold and hot at the same time dry and clammy at the same time it is a rush that is so powerful to house that it robbed me of my breath. And as quick as they were there they were gone.


Visions lately have been intertwined with something twisted and murky, I cant separate what is true and what is not, I have for some reason been feeling every ones emotions normally I can block them and protect myself but something is not allowing it, something allows all to rush thru like a raging river bent on destruction and chaos. I cant seem to block it and it only comes in intervals and in unsuspecting times and ways. The answer is just within my reach but I cant seem to get it.

I step across into the place that I never venture into . It is dark, dank and foul. I instantly feel suffocated and weighted down. I have only one focus and that is to find Garyx. He is hurt and in danger, that is all that I can suddenly feel it is like a shroud that has encompassed me there is a sense of urgency that I can not repel and so I move further into that awaiting decaying place of darkness. I have never been induced to travel here for anyone or any purpose. But the fact is, there is nothing I would not do or face for those I love.

It does not take long before I feel something it slithers and weaves around me, I feel a sense of dread, I call out for Garyx but he does not answer. I feel a sudden onslaught of fear something that does not usually grip me as at this point in my life I have encountered many things that caused me fear and survived them so fear is not a usual companion to me, but I feel it now and I start to take of to run back to the camp. This is wrong nothing is as it should be.

But, suddenly I am surrounded by black flames that create a wall around me I feel the panic begin to surface and I hear a deafening roar in my ears, but somewhere I can feel my mate I swear I could almost hear him.But I cant seem to reach out to him, something is holding me back the flames I hear the hissing and crackle and while I feel their heat I feel an iciness about me I walk around the circle trying to find my way out but I cant.. It seemed like hours and I felt a fatigue grip and hold me I wanted to sleep but I didn't want to give up and just as it seemed like I might drown in the waves of sound and emotion suddenly I felt arms about me at first I fought and struggled until he spoke.

It was Garyx. The flames were gone and it was only he and I. I clung to him like he was a lifeline. He wasn't hurt. He wasn't in danger. I felt within my mind as if a heavy weight was lifted and my vision once more cleared and the emotions began to clear but I felt cold. He had been out hunting and had returned to the harigga to find me gone. I began to think I wasgoing crazy. He was never in danger and never hurt. He assured me that everything was alright I felt safe in his arms. I felt as if for a moment all would be alright.

He asked if I wished to remain here or to return to the harigga. I did not want to remain in this spot any more than I had to. it played tricks on my mind and twisted my visions I did not like this feeling I needed to be back in my own wagon where it was safe. Where nothing could touch me but the embrace of my mate.

Little did I know. . . that nothing would be alright.. this was just a precursor for yet another painful path. Had I known what was to happen next. I wouldn't have returned.

Still I have not been able to see Fonce thru the shroud of darkness. I try to think positive but I fear something has happened. Has this evil also somehow ensconced him and kept him away also. None of the outriders that my father has sent have found him. Even father has gone in search of him himself and yet no clue. Chay is frustrated as well she is one of the most skilled trackers about and she has not been able to find a trail or anything to give clue.

Has he just disappeared on his own to be away from the people? Somehow I doubt it.. tribe is everything to him, and to many of us mean something to him. No, I still think something that is beyond his control has embraced him and kept him shrouded from the clan being able to see him, but we do not stop trying we each night under the caress of the three moons we work to see if we can get an idea a glimpse we try for something.

Am I the only one to be going crazy or do others realize nothing is as it seems and no one is untouched.