It has been quite a few days since I have wanted to write or even had the energy to put down thought. When we returned to camp Garyx took me to our wagon there he wrapped me in furs and made me something hot to drink. We spoke of all that happened, he knew I was not one to just suddenly rush off in a fool hardy venture or just take off without a reason. Thankfully he was not angry and while he was not sure of what was happening and did not completely understand, but then neither did I. He listened and did what he could to be there for me. That means very much to me. It is his calmness and strength that regrounds me.
A couple of days after we returned I had gone to the main fires. It has been quiet about the fires, not many seem to venture around it since we arrived. It is as if someone has snuffed out the life of the people. I am at a loss to understand it. And actually to darn tired to contemplate it. I have walked around the camp, there are wagons that have been empty for some time. It is my hope that they will eventually one day find their way back home to the plains, that is where a tuchuk belongs.
There are many I have not seen about, I have not seen the salt keeper or the weaver. I have not seen the singer nor have I seen the drummer. A few leather makers I have not seen either. What has become of people I pondered as I walked around. Not even the slaves have been about. Very strange, but yet is it?
I neared the main fires though I contemplated not going to them, I still did not feel myself, there was a lingering of something as if there were something that walked with me and at times within me taunting and stretching my last nerve. It is an odd feeling. I should have listened to myself. At first all seemed well, Father was there and Silk, something seems to be bothering her but I do not yet know what. She is at odds with something or someone. It is not easy to battle old demons or to battle oneself. Cana arrived with her new son , I feel a familiar ripple of mixed emotions. It was the first I have glimpsed the son of my son. And no matter what anyone says his father is Lochlan. And it pisses me off that this is disregarded that would be like someone else trying to say they are my mother. My mother is dead.. but she is my mother. She is my blood. End of story.
I did my best to keep my emotions in check. I heard Silk speak of someone wanting to impregnate slaves, we don't do that on the plains and I had to ask what moron would suggest that. To my surprise she said Ba'atar surely he jests with her, that is the way of soft lazy dwellers, no tuchuk would taint or weaken his bloodline by having a slave bear a child. It simply is not done the idea is beyond ridiculous. I surely hope he was jesting with her.
I told Cana I was hurt and why, did she understand I do not know. I only know I can only say what I feel and why I feel it. What she does with it is her choice. I feel what I feel and no one can change that. Just as I cant and wont change what they think or feel. In truth it has been her distance and lack of communication that leads me to think that it is not important to her. I feel as if feelings were given with condition , as long as my son was alive we were family now that he is gone we are disposable, is it true, I do not really know it is just how I feel at the moment. Father presented his grandson to the skies just as my son would have wanted and just as tradition has been for turning upon turning, blood presents blood, That is not a hard concept to understand and one all tuchuk respect. Unless they spend to much time around dwellers then they forget much.
All seemed fine that was until Ba 'atar returned, it is interesting that I never before saw such condescension and attitude towards women that borders on him thinking they are but slaves for him to command, I am sorry but just because a man says jump he better not hold his breath in thinking I will ask how high. That treatment may be good for some but it sure doesn't fly with me. The look on his face I knew what it meant, and I let him have it, no holds barred, I have a mouth when I want to and I can as a free woman say what I want,that is something men seem to forget and I bow down to no one, never have and I sure wont start now. Better men than him have tried. Now some might say I disrespected him at the fires and they can think it, I know I did not, I spoke to my mate of what happened. I left before I did disrespect him because it was close to happening. I really don't care who I pissed off, fact remains he broke his word to me he made assurances that he has not followed thru on, not only to me as a spex but to me as a mother and freind, at least I thought we were family and freind, but I begin to think I was wrong in that to, I am just batting a thousand lately. But, to me that is as good as lying and I hate deceit. It really pisses me off, and he uses my grandson as a pawn. Oh no I will not play a part in that. So I have made a decision.
One that cuts me deep in my heart and allows it to bleed profusely. He is tribe I would have his back against an enemy.. I would help if he was in mortal danger. But other than that, I will avoid him and his family to prevent conflict, I will not put Cana in the middle of anything, for I love her still as my own daughter. And I would not do such to my own daughter. I will remain from the fires when they are there so that there is peace.
Garyx caught me at the stream not long after that, I was still pretty furious and hurt and was using the water to try and soothe and calm my emotions. I had to chuckle a bit as I was so focused I did not hear him and he managed to startle me and once more I landed in the water. Noya joined us, she was gathering clay, we spent some time with her and it was nice to visit with her. Trilok has been given things to gather for the bride price, I did not let on that I knew of what he needed and that I had a hand in creating the one gift with the pavaraci jewels and gold wire, I even gave him suggestions on what to do to get the other things. Well, there is no law that says we cant help him along after all, we want to see them joined. They both deserve the happiness they have found.
I cant shake the odd sensations that still hover about me. I swear it is as if someone else is here. But that is a ridiculous thought. . Or is it. I wish my sisters and brothers were here with me. Lukus especially he has ways of working with me and helping me, I trust him and Dina as I trust so few. They are like me and are able to bond with me in a way so few could understand in order to fight whatever it is that is threatening the plains. I can feel it and taste it.. it is predatorial.
I was at the fires for a while sitting with Leonette, I saw Ba 'atar draw near, and I already felt myself preparing for battle, it seemed as if there was always an altercation of some form. And last night was no different. He wanted to talk to me, I wondered about what he made much abundantly clear, did he want to add more salt to an open gouging wound, did he want to dig the knife in deeper, I was not up for it, I really did not want another battle, I could feel that rage boil and swirl within me, I could see in my mind a pot with melted lava and swirls of blackness, that is how I was feeling, I told him when ever he wanted. Now it seems he thinks he is a spex and can feel and know what I think, so his next words indicated, that was the wrong thing to do, put me on the defensive and my claws come out and they did. I even told him to not dare to assume he knew what I felt or thought, he did not know me well enough to do that, not even my own family could do that, and since he didn't want to talk, that was fine with me, I took my son and left the fires, I passed Cana on the way from the fires. I was once more to hurt and angry to speak I just nodded and left, I wouldn't be accused of being disrespectful and I sure wasn't going to leave my self in the position of trying to restrain my temper, my control of late is very strained, I am having a hard time pulling in the emotions.
I find myself beginning to hate this place, I feel deep negative emotions over powering me and I begin to strongly dislike people, it seems to border on hate. I do not know why this is. But it is so powerful that I feel as if I am losing myself, I begin to wonder where I am in the midst of this hurricane of emotion, in this tomb of darkness, I fight to get out but I cant, I am losing the battle. The hurt I feel is deep and profuse, it is as if my blood soaks the ground. The impotence and fury are like an inferno that burns and scalds every part of me.
I need to just stay away from people, nothing good will come from it. I begin to wonder why I stay within this tribe, all the doubts that I have had of things are once more rolling to the surface, there is a strong pull to ride out and let this darkness and anger consume me and let it do what it wants, strangely enough the dark witch does not want to be a part of whatever it is, this fact does not escape me or those of the clan.
They are seeking to find out what is going on. I do not know yet what they have in mind, but I hear whispers of blood for blood, tribe for tribe, love for love drifting in my mind, here we go again with these confusing partial riddles of thought.
Garyx was out on late patrol. . I did not have him to confide in and let out all I felt. But then again, I am not sure that would be wise right now. Yes, I think I am going crazy. But there is a part of me that begins to know who is behind this.. or at least I think, I could be wrong. after all what is true and what is not.
A couple of days after we returned I had gone to the main fires. It has been quiet about the fires, not many seem to venture around it since we arrived. It is as if someone has snuffed out the life of the people. I am at a loss to understand it. And actually to darn tired to contemplate it. I have walked around the camp, there are wagons that have been empty for some time. It is my hope that they will eventually one day find their way back home to the plains, that is where a tuchuk belongs.
There are many I have not seen about, I have not seen the salt keeper or the weaver. I have not seen the singer nor have I seen the drummer. A few leather makers I have not seen either. What has become of people I pondered as I walked around. Not even the slaves have been about. Very strange, but yet is it?
I neared the main fires though I contemplated not going to them, I still did not feel myself, there was a lingering of something as if there were something that walked with me and at times within me taunting and stretching my last nerve. It is an odd feeling. I should have listened to myself. At first all seemed well, Father was there and Silk, something seems to be bothering her but I do not yet know what. She is at odds with something or someone. It is not easy to battle old demons or to battle oneself. Cana arrived with her new son , I feel a familiar ripple of mixed emotions. It was the first I have glimpsed the son of my son. And no matter what anyone says his father is Lochlan. And it pisses me off that this is disregarded that would be like someone else trying to say they are my mother. My mother is dead.. but she is my mother. She is my blood. End of story.
I did my best to keep my emotions in check. I heard Silk speak of someone wanting to impregnate slaves, we don't do that on the plains and I had to ask what moron would suggest that. To my surprise she said Ba'atar surely he jests with her, that is the way of soft lazy dwellers, no tuchuk would taint or weaken his bloodline by having a slave bear a child. It simply is not done the idea is beyond ridiculous. I surely hope he was jesting with her.
I told Cana I was hurt and why, did she understand I do not know. I only know I can only say what I feel and why I feel it. What she does with it is her choice. I feel what I feel and no one can change that. Just as I cant and wont change what they think or feel. In truth it has been her distance and lack of communication that leads me to think that it is not important to her. I feel as if feelings were given with condition , as long as my son was alive we were family now that he is gone we are disposable, is it true, I do not really know it is just how I feel at the moment. Father presented his grandson to the skies just as my son would have wanted and just as tradition has been for turning upon turning, blood presents blood, That is not a hard concept to understand and one all tuchuk respect. Unless they spend to much time around dwellers then they forget much.
All seemed fine that was until Ba 'atar returned, it is interesting that I never before saw such condescension and attitude towards women that borders on him thinking they are but slaves for him to command, I am sorry but just because a man says jump he better not hold his breath in thinking I will ask how high. That treatment may be good for some but it sure doesn't fly with me. The look on his face I knew what it meant, and I let him have it, no holds barred, I have a mouth when I want to and I can as a free woman say what I want,that is something men seem to forget and I bow down to no one, never have and I sure wont start now. Better men than him have tried. Now some might say I disrespected him at the fires and they can think it, I know I did not, I spoke to my mate of what happened. I left before I did disrespect him because it was close to happening. I really don't care who I pissed off, fact remains he broke his word to me he made assurances that he has not followed thru on, not only to me as a spex but to me as a mother and freind, at least I thought we were family and freind, but I begin to think I was wrong in that to, I am just batting a thousand lately. But, to me that is as good as lying and I hate deceit. It really pisses me off, and he uses my grandson as a pawn. Oh no I will not play a part in that. So I have made a decision.
One that cuts me deep in my heart and allows it to bleed profusely. He is tribe I would have his back against an enemy.. I would help if he was in mortal danger. But other than that, I will avoid him and his family to prevent conflict, I will not put Cana in the middle of anything, for I love her still as my own daughter. And I would not do such to my own daughter. I will remain from the fires when they are there so that there is peace.
Garyx caught me at the stream not long after that, I was still pretty furious and hurt and was using the water to try and soothe and calm my emotions. I had to chuckle a bit as I was so focused I did not hear him and he managed to startle me and once more I landed in the water. Noya joined us, she was gathering clay, we spent some time with her and it was nice to visit with her. Trilok has been given things to gather for the bride price, I did not let on that I knew of what he needed and that I had a hand in creating the one gift with the pavaraci jewels and gold wire, I even gave him suggestions on what to do to get the other things. Well, there is no law that says we cant help him along after all, we want to see them joined. They both deserve the happiness they have found.
I cant shake the odd sensations that still hover about me. I swear it is as if someone else is here. But that is a ridiculous thought. . Or is it. I wish my sisters and brothers were here with me. Lukus especially he has ways of working with me and helping me, I trust him and Dina as I trust so few. They are like me and are able to bond with me in a way so few could understand in order to fight whatever it is that is threatening the plains. I can feel it and taste it.. it is predatorial.
I was at the fires for a while sitting with Leonette, I saw Ba 'atar draw near, and I already felt myself preparing for battle, it seemed as if there was always an altercation of some form. And last night was no different. He wanted to talk to me, I wondered about what he made much abundantly clear, did he want to add more salt to an open gouging wound, did he want to dig the knife in deeper, I was not up for it, I really did not want another battle, I could feel that rage boil and swirl within me, I could see in my mind a pot with melted lava and swirls of blackness, that is how I was feeling, I told him when ever he wanted. Now it seems he thinks he is a spex and can feel and know what I think, so his next words indicated, that was the wrong thing to do, put me on the defensive and my claws come out and they did. I even told him to not dare to assume he knew what I felt or thought, he did not know me well enough to do that, not even my own family could do that, and since he didn't want to talk, that was fine with me, I took my son and left the fires, I passed Cana on the way from the fires. I was once more to hurt and angry to speak I just nodded and left, I wouldn't be accused of being disrespectful and I sure wasn't going to leave my self in the position of trying to restrain my temper, my control of late is very strained, I am having a hard time pulling in the emotions.
I find myself beginning to hate this place, I feel deep negative emotions over powering me and I begin to strongly dislike people, it seems to border on hate. I do not know why this is. But it is so powerful that I feel as if I am losing myself, I begin to wonder where I am in the midst of this hurricane of emotion, in this tomb of darkness, I fight to get out but I cant, I am losing the battle. The hurt I feel is deep and profuse, it is as if my blood soaks the ground. The impotence and fury are like an inferno that burns and scalds every part of me.
I need to just stay away from people, nothing good will come from it. I begin to wonder why I stay within this tribe, all the doubts that I have had of things are once more rolling to the surface, there is a strong pull to ride out and let this darkness and anger consume me and let it do what it wants, strangely enough the dark witch does not want to be a part of whatever it is, this fact does not escape me or those of the clan.
They are seeking to find out what is going on. I do not know yet what they have in mind, but I hear whispers of blood for blood, tribe for tribe, love for love drifting in my mind, here we go again with these confusing partial riddles of thought.
Garyx was out on late patrol. . I did not have him to confide in and let out all I felt. But then again, I am not sure that would be wise right now. Yes, I think I am going crazy. But there is a part of me that begins to know who is behind this.. or at least I think, I could be wrong. after all what is true and what is not.
