I find myself tired, in fact I am exhausted. There is talk of planning a festival I do not add to the discussions as in truth I do not feel like celebrating anything, the farther away from such things the better. I am just not in the mind set for singing, dancing and festivities. So that I leave to my father and Cana.. They seem to all excited about it.
Oh yes there go those surges of those negative emotions creeping in, the whispered words of what this one is doing and why or that one and why, all designed I know to cause hurt, anger and jealousy. Things I rarely indulge in such intensity and feelings are alien in a way and I do not like how they are making me feel, they drain me, it is as if I never get to rest it is a constant bombardment , how much longer before I break? How much more can I take..
I still do not have the answers on how to make it stop. Nor do I know who to turn to that could even help.
I had been working upstream and then wondered down towards the usual gathering place, Ba 'atar was there, I made enough splish splash sounds as I walked but he was absorbed in writing, I was surprised to see that he could read and write, it wasn't a common thing among the people and the few that could kept it to themselves . When he was done he spoke to the skies asking a question, okay I could not help myself I answered. I had a brief moment of a smile at his shock at hearing a reply then he realized it was me. There was for a moment a hole in the darkness. I could see that he wondered if I saw that he could read and write and well I did not reveal if I did or not, true to the way of any tuchuk, he did not reveal that he could, and I true to the clan, kept yet another bit of information stored away and locked away from others.
He asked me to join him, a bit reluctantly I did so. We spoke of various things, before we focused on the situation that lay between us like an open wound that was festering, it was time to debride the necrotic areas to allow life to flourish once more within the bonds of friendship, to embrace the familial bond that had grown and to restore the synapses for what once was to connect again. I gave some of my thoughts and feelings. Just as he did. There are some things I did not speak of not because I felt I couldn't but some things in truth are just to small to be of import. I think that we have stepped past this and once more my brother and friend has been returned.
But I am not sure, my own perceptions and thoughts are still clouded,I am lately never sure of what is true and what is not , what is real and what is not, visions are faulty and distorted, emotions to intense and labile. Right now I am not sure of anything.
But I have hope.. I have missed my friend... my family...
There is hope he spoke of a child waiting to see his grandmother. Perhaps in this moment it is not a trick of darkness.. But in fact the truth.
Oh yes there go those surges of those negative emotions creeping in, the whispered words of what this one is doing and why or that one and why, all designed I know to cause hurt, anger and jealousy. Things I rarely indulge in such intensity and feelings are alien in a way and I do not like how they are making me feel, they drain me, it is as if I never get to rest it is a constant bombardment , how much longer before I break? How much more can I take..
I still do not have the answers on how to make it stop. Nor do I know who to turn to that could even help.
I had been working upstream and then wondered down towards the usual gathering place, Ba 'atar was there, I made enough splish splash sounds as I walked but he was absorbed in writing, I was surprised to see that he could read and write, it wasn't a common thing among the people and the few that could kept it to themselves . When he was done he spoke to the skies asking a question, okay I could not help myself I answered. I had a brief moment of a smile at his shock at hearing a reply then he realized it was me. There was for a moment a hole in the darkness. I could see that he wondered if I saw that he could read and write and well I did not reveal if I did or not, true to the way of any tuchuk, he did not reveal that he could, and I true to the clan, kept yet another bit of information stored away and locked away from others.
He asked me to join him, a bit reluctantly I did so. We spoke of various things, before we focused on the situation that lay between us like an open wound that was festering, it was time to debride the necrotic areas to allow life to flourish once more within the bonds of friendship, to embrace the familial bond that had grown and to restore the synapses for what once was to connect again. I gave some of my thoughts and feelings. Just as he did. There are some things I did not speak of not because I felt I couldn't but some things in truth are just to small to be of import. I think that we have stepped past this and once more my brother and friend has been returned.
But I am not sure, my own perceptions and thoughts are still clouded,I am lately never sure of what is true and what is not , what is real and what is not, visions are faulty and distorted, emotions to intense and labile. Right now I am not sure of anything.
But I have hope.. I have missed my friend... my family...
There is hope he spoke of a child waiting to see his grandmother. Perhaps in this moment it is not a trick of darkness.. But in fact the truth.
