Garyx Returns

I was all packed and ready to go. I had grown tired of the skies not revealing where Garyx was and if all was well. Each day I felt him, so I knew he lived. Each day he was in my thoughts . Interestingly enough I missed him more than I have ever missed anyone I was mated to, that in and of itself says much. This is the first time we have been separated for such a long time.

Though I have always known the ways of our warriors and that they must be gone for extended periods of time, I have always accepted this and supported those that I have cared about. This has not changed. Its just that this time has been the hardest, simply because of the length of time. I have kept busy, in fact as father likes to point out, to busy. I am aware that I have pushed myself into exhaustion reverting back to ways I had before Garyx came into my life. I have accomplished much during these times, our wagons are ready for the move, we have the supplies that we will need. Our bosk are also taken care of. The elders of the clan they have been provided for and I have had men repair their wagons and make sure that they are stocked with supplies.

Soon we will do the readings for the move, to determine when and the best path.

No sooner did I mount Mist Runner when something gave me pause, I only had to close my eyes and feel that which was around me. Garyx was home, I knew it as sure as I lived and breathed, quickly I dismounted Mist Runner and I made my way towards the main fires. I stopped seeing him coming from the direction of the kaiila pens. He had lost some weight and his beard was longer and a bit scraggly, he was unkempt and appeared very tired. But, it was him.

There was no better sight than seeing him, and I rushed towards him, I did not walk, I ran to him. The warmth of his arms about me was something I had missed, that quiet strength that was within him, I knew his scent like that back of my hand, I knew the feel of him. At in that moment it was an inviting warm rush of emotions that would flow like an unchecked river. He was home.. He was safe.

I sat with him at the fire for a short time, ensuring he had something to eat, he has not yet told me all that has happened and I have not yet asked. First , he needed food and rest. Everything else would wait, there were things that a human body and mind needed before other needs and wants were taken care of.

When he finished eating we went to our wagons, and no sooner did his head touch the furs when he was sound asleep, I lay with him wrapped in his embrace, listening to his breathing, he slept deeply as if he had not slept for many, many hands. I lay curled next to him content to rest beside him. To hear the slow rhythm of his breath as if flowed in and out of him. I listened to the sound of his heart beat steady and strong beneath his chest. I fell asleep for a short time with him, simply because for the first time since his departure I could sleep and rest. It was something that only he has been able to do and the how's and whys I do not know. The elders have often spoken of that for a Spex there was that one that was more understanding of them then even they themselves. There is that one that can handle what it takes to be mated to a spex.

Garyx... he has all these things.. He is the one that has always been destined for me. He is the one who was spoken of in the prophecy of old when it came to me.

Children

I have heard that Silk has had her baby, or should I say babies, I have not seen much of her but I have heard the whispers of others to know. And the reaction of Hallie and Arkus have also caught my attention. I understand their feelings. It is one thing to deal with the arrival of younger siblings when you have the same parents. But it is another to deal with it when it is with either a different mother or father. I remember this when my younger brothers and sisters were born, Lukus and Dina have a different mother than I do.. as do the others. Fortunately, my father took the time to ensure I never felt that he loved me less or that any one of us was more important than the other. Hence, I have done the same to mine, I have ensured they knew that they were loved equally by me and also accepted by any new mate I ever had. Unfortunately there were a few exceptions to this and I had to find ways to deal with it and make it right with my children.

Brutus for all his short comings accepted Lochleys children as his own, even though they may think otherwise, he did the best he could with who he was. He never intentionally made them feel separate or different from the children I had with him. In fact that is why it was hard to lose Dayo to him, she adored Falon and Lochlan. Unfortunately my other children with him were raised to forget their mother and outside influences caused Brutus to teach them that I gave them up and did not teach them the ways of the tuchuk or mamba. I can do nothing of that, they had to make the choice to believe in a dweller who could never understand tribal ways, or to believe in the one who was always there loving them and teaching them. They made a choice, and the loss of my children will forever leave an empty open hole. A mother does not stop loving or caring simply because her children have chosen the wrong path. It is their path they must choose. No matter how much it hurts I can not tell them what to do, I can only hope that one day they see the truth and not the illusion taught to them.

Gaspar he never bothered with any of my children other than Dayo, but I think in someway's she was a healing salve to the loss of his daughter. Tanner, well while he did not stay long enough to become mated to me, it was no less a strong deep relationship that we shared, and he accepted my children without question. I hope that he has found what he searched for, I have never wished him ill, I know Fonces thoughts on what he did, and I understand both sides, I have done as Tanner asked. So I know that he would not begrudge what I have done with my life, for he had a request and I have honored it. And it is my hope that he has found happiness somewhere as well. These thoughts come thru my mind because of Arkus comment about how his father will have no reason to be around him as he now has two new sons. Hallie and Arkus have often felt that Shi did not want bothered with them, I am not sure if he kept his distance emotionally and physically because of how things went between us, but he should remember he is the one that was dishonorable in our mating. And I will never admit to anyone especially my son that his conception was not born out of love, but because of a need for Shi to have his first son before he died. Regardless of what transpired between us, these are his children and he seems to have forgotten this.

Thankfully my father has been teaching Arkus as well as Garyx. I have tried to assure them that these new children will not change the fact that they are his children as well, and that Arkus is his first born son. And I will remind Shi that he best be remembering this fact along with the fact that I am their mother so he needs to deal with it. Before he loses them completely, he has already lost them on some level. For Hallie spends much time with Cana and the kaiila clan and with Falon learning various healing ways, I teach her the old healing ways that she can use on animals and I know she has shared them with Cana with my permission. These are the ones Hallie has learned from, not to mention Chay with those darn sounds she has taught her to mimic. One day the two of them will give me grey hair. Arkus, he has been learning from Ulric and father and Garyx. I can only teach so much but the ways of men he has learned from them. Arkus is not close to his father, he does not understand many of this ways, and in truth sometimes I dont either. I do know that he has very little hope of closing the chasm between them.

I will not go to Shi on it.. and I know that others do not notice what I have, so I know that they can not claim that he has done this or not done that. If Shi wants to find a way to fix it, he will come to me for guidance, if not. Then as I have told Arkus, if not it is his loss.

Thank the skies his grandfather has been here to guide and teach him. And in Garyx absence he has become more of an anchor for him. I was glad to see him seem less troubled and ride off with Chay and father to hunt. I am proud of my children. No matter where they are or what choices they have made. I also respect their thoughts and emotions. Both are now of the age to make their decisions and choices, and while some change seems to be upon Shi, it may well be a little to late. There are many bridges he has to repair, and I wonder if he will make the effort. Hallie will spend the day with Falon helping to gather various herbs and plants needed. And Arkus I know will be gone with father and Chay for a few days. This will give them each the time they need to work thru emotion, I also know that they will find me when they have.

I have sent my congratulations to Shi and Silk on the birth of their children along with a small basket of oils and chocolate. A small amulet for protection and good dreams to hang over their furs. I do not go to their wagons as I am at the moment steeped in responsibilities with my clan and repairs of wagons to prepare for the move. There are things that must be done at a certain time and certain day.

I will take this time to pack a few things and go look for Garyx. I am not sure how long I will be gone, I have already spoken to the old ones of what we need to do for the readings,so that if I do not return they can give the results to Ba'atar.

Winds of change bring a new Ubar

The winds of change have once more blown across the plains, Ba'atar has challenged for the Greys. I am not surprised anyone did, it is something that always happens within a tribe. But I was surprised it was B a'atar. I like him but he is young and has much to learn, not only to be a leader but as a man and warrior. That does not mean I think him incapable or less of a man. It simply means that he has much growth yet to reach his full potential, he is still in many ways to oriented to his wants and his needs. And to be a good leader you can not because your wants and needs will never come first. There is much about him that I see that is honorable and courageous, and I have seen a glimmer of willingness to learn of what he needs to, I see much in him, and it is my hope that he can grow into the man that I have seen within him. There are some things I can guide him, others he must seek for guidance on his own, and some things he must go thru without me revealing, because he must go thru some things in order to grow. Lessons learned are never easy. But I am here if there is need. Just as I am with all people.

I have listened to many of his thoughts at different times, and I know he has much potential, but he needs a bit more patience, I think sometimes he is in a hurry for some things. There is much of my talks with him and others that I do not write, mostly because it is confidential and I do not break that for anyone, there is a reason many seek my counsel, there is a reason I am the keeper of many secrets. Some things will remain in my head never to be touched by another nor heard.


He is a good man and warrior, but, he has much to learn, and I hope he learns it from the ones who know what he needs to learn, and not from those that seek only to get on his good side and pretend to be a friend so that they can get what they want. I have watched this happen many times, and unfortunately, it will continue for it is the way of man.

I will watch and listen, and see what will happen now. I know there are many that wait to see what he will do, and I have to confess that I too am waiting to see. I have my concerns and thoughts, but I will keep them to myself.

Some wish to see him succeed and some wish to see him fail..There is no feeling that is stronger one way or other of the people, they are not pleased and they are not displeased. They are simply for the greater number neutral, waiting to see.

Though I saw something in him the other night that lingers in my mind, it revealed that he is yet still to " I " oriented. He must learn that being Ubar is not about what he wants. Or his needs.. Or about him, it is about the needs of the tribe. I also saw that slaves seem to rule him and influence him just as they have the past few, in that moment, something was lost, and I am not sure he will be able to get it back, only he will be able to decide that. He must learn that he cannot be drawn into the wants and desires an individual including himself. But it is about what is best for the tribe. And until he and others learn this.. We will remain in the darkness.

And that darkness it hovers.. waiting to consume... it has been for some time.. it to seems to wait.

Thoughts and questions

The water flows gently over the stones that lie in the stream, the gurgling and trickling sounds that fill the air are soothing to my mind and senses. But, it always has been even since I was a child. no matter where I ended up in life I always had some form of water near me, though I do favor the waterfalls, that is a place where I could easily lose myself to things and places not known or not seen by many.

As I sit here I let my fingers move thru the ground, it is quiet as no one is yet down here by the stream. I like when it is quiet, I can listen to much and see what the skies will show me. They have shown glimpses of much lately but these are things not unknown to us. Though there are puzzles and riddles within the song of the elements. Almost as if they to await to see what will happen.

I have many questions in my mind, and many thoughts. None of which I will share with anyone right now, nor will I write them, that way no one can accidentally find it and think they know my thoughts and mind, only one has that ability and he remains out on an extended patrol searching for Fonce. He is long overdue in returning and now I begin to worry. I have not had a sign or anything of how things go. Though I know he still lives I can feel his heartbeat it is still one with the plains. Something delays his return. I know there is a reason but what I am not sure, I do not think he has found Fonce or he would have sent word on if he found him alive or one with the skies.

The elders and I have spoken of things since the move that have occurred, this is what happens when you toss tradition and old ways aside, the move to this camp was done without the readings of the spex, though we had heard a few try to speak,of it was the spex that did not do as they should, namely slaves whose opinions do not matter in such important events, they forget their place these girls. But then whose fault is that, I do not see warriors taking them in hand and training them as they should instead I see them being coddled like the silkies of the cities, and that is what we have now, weak silkies that rule the warriors not the warriors being the masters. That is the consensus of many. And when that many think the same, then we know there is something to it.. Just as some of our free women become slaves then free then slaves and go back and forth as if this is convenience, why so they can fur a man? I do not understand this, either you are free or you are slave you can not swing back and forth between the two. And these obsessions of men as of late are also not right, have we been infiltrated by some virus that weakens the mind and soul of the people? I have never seen such things as I have, and I have to shake my head, and yet many wonder why I have been away from the fires. Just look around you will see, and I sure am not saying anything again, last time I did a warrior put the wants and needs and feelings of property before not only a free woman but one is and elder of this tribe. Oh, no, I got my ass handed to me, I will not speak of things ever again.

Time will tell if the Tuchuk's will once more become Tuchuk and not some dweller chuks as we have been forced into being. The fact is the spex do things in their time when the signs and other things reveal it is time. We do not rush for anyone. We do it right and we do not ever indulge in the whims of slaves and what they think they know, truth is if they knew anything, most would be afraid to piss off a spex. But those were the old days when we had respect and fear. These ones out there now they do not even know our ways, traditions or even the ways of their own clan. So how can they fear the spex or even the black mask, I find it ridiculous how the black mask suddenly are guards to women, why in the name of the skies would a Tuchuk woman have guards on the plains, that is just utterly ridiculous, and they sure wouldn't baby sit a woman, they are to protect the Ubar. Not be social to people, used to be if you saw one, you felt fear because all knew why one was there. Not any more. And it is not just the young ones, some of these so called elders have fallen into the lazy ways of the citified Tuchuk. Though they speak loudly of the ways of the Tuchuk, if they walked the talk they wouldn't be speaking so loudly. Very few know my thoughts on these things and I will not openly share them, no, after the last few times, I keep my tongue in my head now . I bear the scars of the ridicule and disrespect shown and I am a tuchuk I never forget.

The events after the move, the strange storms that never occur in such intensity, the disappearance of the Ubar as if plucked from the plains embrace, and all the problems after. If people really paid attention they would see the havoc caused for going against the clan and not waiting for the readings, Tuchuk's used to be superstitious and fearsome, where has that gone?

The question is.. will the fearsome Tuchuk return or will we remain the laughing stock of Gor that we have become because of a few. Tuchuk's always were harsh, killed strangers on sight if they chose, we never needed to give reason. We never scarred outsiders, nor did we play patty cake with prospects. Prospects and unscarred warriors were treated harshly, tested and pushed to the limit to prove themselves. This was done because of what it takes to survive out here on the harsh vast beauty of the plains, in one ihn, you can die. We cant afford weak soft people in the tribe, this was designed also to ensure the tribe was cohesiv and strong. The tribe used to have a say in the goings on of the tribe, we voted on who was made tribe, and major decisions, when that was taken away to allow the will of only one person be more important than the will of the tribe, we lost much. The ways of Tribe first has been long tossed aside. It has always been Tribe first, Clan then family and when you fall from this, you break traditions and the basic foundation of the Tuchuk.

I recall when warriors fought various enemies of how we women formed a second line of defense, and we used our weapons to destroy those that got past our warriors, women now, they just tuck their skirts and run and hide, I recall the days of loyalty, trust, courage and honor among both men, women and even slaves. Those days are gone. And have been gone for many turnings, it is not something new as some would like to place the blame in various places. They should begin at looking at themselves as well.

I have for some time stayed away from the main fires, because I know I stand on that line of.. Do I walk away or do I stay. I wait to see what will happen, I do know if the Tuchuk remain as they are now. I will leave this tribe and find another, one where the ways of Tuchuk's are followed. Too many envars have passed that I have watched the decline of the people. Too long have I watched elders being ridiculed for our ways. Change always come, but change never ever touches the foundations of the basic principles and knowledge of the people. Next you will be seeing women with scars and being of the black masks. Neither of which has ever been allowed. Next we will be allowing unscarred warriors to own slaves, wagons and mate,neither of which has ever been allowed. Will we see our women drunk at the fires and dancing like sluts as well? Or will such sluts then be running the tribe.

But wait , that already has happened . . and continues to happen.