Over the past few days I have written and burned several pages of this journal as I sit here and write of what I think and feel. I burned them because no matter how I wrote them I felt my temper rise flow out of me like a raging wave of fury and explode over the pages,splattering as if someone had taken a blade and severed an artery and the words would pulsate out in a glaringly bright viscous puddle, leaving behind a boldness of written letters that were expansive and caustic, it would almost shock me, but not quite. I knew then how truly upset I still was. There are many forms of anger and I have felt the gambit of them all at one point in my life or another. But this nipped and burned at me until my thoughts were discolored and blistered. I think if I could have spit fire I would have. In the end I release it the best I can but it will still simmer because that is how I am until I find away to let it go,I will let it go, but the aftermath will leave only a loss of respect and trust. These types of things reveal much about people, their motivations and intentions with a clarity that even they do not see or understand. But they are tribe which means something, but the warmth, the trust will be replaced with a politeness that is somewhat cooler, until that trust is earned back if ever it is. That is how I am, I feel everything with a passion that is often underestimated and misunderstood. To me honor and loyalty means much, your word means much and to bandy it about as if it had no meaning, just makes me realize that such things are not valued by some. And it burns me and I control my temper because I know what happens when I let go of the elements that reside within me, had I let loose a few would not be standing now. And that is a simple fact.
Its another one of those days that I really miss Garyx more than I usually do, as I write I can feel the need to stand in front of him and just let it all out. I wish he was here for me to talk to right now, to vent and say exactly what I feel and think without fear of retribution, simply because he was one of the few that knew, if you let me get it out , no matter how mixed up or harsh it sounded when I spoke, that once it was out then I could think with my usual clarity of vision and logic. He knew that once I was wound up and it came out in a flurry of thought and words it would be that way, he had come to understand many of my ways some of the strange quirks I had or things that simply were a part of me. And no matter how I said it or what I said, he listened, knowing once it was out I would be able to listen and talk. I do not have that any more, and chances are very slim in finding such again, but I cannot dwell on what is lost I can only try to move onward in life, it is a reality that I only have me, too many get upset or misunderstand me when I try to let things out. Or they do not really listen. Now I can only keep the thoughts that are deeply felt or the hurt that is painful on a deep level deep down inside me, pushing them deep down and placing brick walls around each thing.
So I sat back for a while to collect my thoughts working on some arrows that I had started to make before I began work on the area for Seveya's ceremony, I was thinking of teaching some of the others how to notch the feathers and shoot the arrows, I have various targets set up form my youngest son and occasionally others who just want to have a friendly wager. This allowed me to put a lid on the emotions that bubble beneath the surface and when I could think rationally I would once more try to put my words down.
Beneath the cover of anger there is also a sense of great disappointment that carries a depth to it that I cannot explain. I have not felt it this strong and deep in a very long time. I could say it started with when Fonce brought Asria to Ayguili's wagons and stated he would chain her there as requested, but that would be wrong, it has been something that has been slowly stirred and cultivated lately, I am not sure why, but whatever the agenda I can assure those that have created this ripple with harmful intent will find that it will not work,and that it will reflect back on them three fold, it is the way of things. What you do good and bad is returned in all things and with all people. I am aware of much, as much as I am vocal about much, I am also quiet of much, nothing escapes my notice no matter how minute, even when you think I am not paying attention . What I have seen being done is not the tuchuk way, it is the way of osts spitting out venom to cause hurt and pain, it is the way of vermin to be so spiteful and mean, and I have no time for it. Nor do I want it to touch me so I step around the acidic, poisonous liquid that flows about.
As much as what was going on stunned me I would however listen, and try to have an open mind and not let my outside voice get away from me, as I have never really tamed it. Nothing could prepare me for what unfolded just when I thought very little could surprise me of people and life, I was very much surprised by this, surely I heard this wrong, I wondered if the two men had lost their damn fool minds for a moment. I saw the fear that raced thru Asria to reflect in her eyes I saw the turmoil that coiled around her like a hith. This was not good, they were serious. Which meant all of this could get very bad really fast. Why in the name of the skies would you want to chain her, I had not heard of anything she had done wrong and I would have heard of a hint of something. There are very few secrets on the plains. I said nothing at first just listened to see what was going on, and the more I listened to Fonce and Ayguili the more I felt this storm brewing within me, whirling about in a churning funnel of disbelief that anyone would spout such lies. Who would make such idiotic accusations, I could think of some that I would believe it of, but come on, this was beyond deceitful and mean. I could feel the rise of emotions within the camp.
I watched for a moment as Cana walked over and gave her thoughts before she would move to stand by Asria offering to be chained in her place for she to had been at Fonce's wagon, I heard Fonce groan, well he would have to find another groan within him because I stood up and walked to the other side of her and said the same thing he would have to chain me, and before I finished my words, there went that groan, which was followed by a third one as Mezoo also stood beside us. What was happening was wrong and we were not going to sit quietly and let it happen.
I was not sure if Ayguili knew what to think for a moment, he mentioned needing more chain and more wagons, along with about this being a serious situation and well I told him we were not taking it lightly and we were serious in where we stood and felt, thing is, I don't think anyone really knows of my deep fear of the chains, it is so bad that it can push me into that realm of hysteria followed by a catatonic state in which it is not easy to reach me, so for me to even offer such, is revealing more than anyone knows. It reveals that when I see a wrong being done and the truth obscured that I am willing to suffer one of my deepest fears to ensure that the truth is revealed. I told him we were serious. It is not often that you see such occur so openly or with such strength, but we do stand together when the need is there and in subtle ways on a daily basis that are often missed in the chaos of everyday life.
I am very protective of tribe this is a known fact I will fight you tooth and nail , I will draw blood and rip out your jugular for amusement because I can when I think you are harming one or doing something wrong, I will also stand by and fight with and for my friends as well with the same passionate ferocity, I am one that gives all or nothing. There is that part of me that can turn cold and brutal in a heartbeat, it is lethal and fatal on many levels. Most never see it and the few that have are not among the living, so many do not know it is there and they do not have the common sense to be afraid. I control that part of me with an iron will, that is why most assumptions made of me are usually very wrong. Now if anyone thought they were or think they are going to break this tribe or split this tribe, they are most soundly and most pathetically disappointed, because all that has occurred is a show of strength and loyalty to each other. And you should never ever, disrespect the Ubar with tone, actions or words,thinking you are so knowledgeable, and so cute, because you only reveal stupidity and an ugliness that defies words. And never ever dishonor Fonce with insinuated accusations, words or tone because it only reveals how truly childish and mentally challenged you are. Now fortunately for Sef I am not a man, because I would have ripped him to shreds flaying his flesh from his body leaving only exposed muscle and blood, then I would have bathed him in a paste of salt, covered him in honey and left him naked over a red ant hill with wet leather ties to his wrists and ankles beneath the blazing sun of the plains. Or just simply rip his head from his shoulder and shove it so far up his ass that he would be able to see out the other end. I don't care how he back peddles and tries to step out of the big pile of shit he stepped into and created. He with his actions dishonored not only the Ubar but the second in command, he is damn lucky he only lost his command, others might have killed him. I know my father would have because things like that really piss him off.
Now the funny thing of all this is how he talks all big, and with confidence that what he said was right, he would dare say he would kill another tuchuk, last I knew even by today's ways, tuchuk do not kill tuchuk. But yet here he was threating to kill a young woman, heavy with child. Now that takes a man I tell you. I saw much in those moments,and it is not what many would think. While I never had a lot of respect for him to start with, he had some, but I have none for him now. He has shown once more his colors. The worst part of it all is, that he had no proof, he saw nothing, he never saw Asria in Fonce's wagons, he never saw her with Fonce in a way that would be questionable, he never saw her leave there and go there, if he had been at Fonce's wagons he would have seen that she was doing other things, duh, she is his ward, how hard is that to grasp. So he has based this on what others say. And yet I do not see him accusing others that have been there, I guess he is particular in when he decides to rely on the ways of the tribe, he better relearn them then because he is forgetting Asria is of the tribe, just of the outer wagons. So does that not make him look rather less than a man in front of all that were gathered.
He says one of his witnesses is Kaeli, and she sat there and backed him up, indicating that she had seen this, well now wait a minute, if she saw this she would have have to been at Fonce's wagons, and well how would she like it if her mate was told she was at Fonce's wagons doing who knows what, I don't imagine she would like it, so I lost respect for her in that moment, to sit there and attempt to solidify what Sef said, again without proof. To me that is equivalent to lying, and I have no room in my heart for liars, that is one of the worst things you can do in my eyes. And my eyes were opened on who is loyal to the tribe and who is true to the people and who is not and who is a fair weather friend. Oh, I saw much and it left a foul taste in my mouth. I never ever forget anything. The more this went on the more ticked I could feel myself getting, but I stayed quiet, stewing, but quiet.
After all this they both revealed that they heard this from Yamka, that she had come to the main fires and questioned them about the laws of being unmated and mated. Now this floored me, Yamka would do this to Asria? Why ?
And worse why would you believe something you had no proof on, well this did not go over well with the men in fact they very publicly let it be known that they believed someone who has shown to be a liar, it was getting worse with each passing ehn, the things said and felt, just wrapped about me and I felt myself floating in a bubble of anger and disbelief of those gathered about me. I began to suspect what this was all about and well it just unsettled me. Yamka was not there to speak for herself, I wonder what she will say in regards to this, it will be difficult for her to face this I think.
Cana and I took Asria to sit down to get her out of that vortex of accusations, and various emotions that were filling the air, it was not good for a pregnant woman to be upset like that. I do not think I have seen Ayguili this angered, but I have to give him credit, thru it all he kept his cool and calm, he asked some very pointed questions and he did not play with kid gloves, he pushed back and demanded answers. He did very well. I was impressed. Fonce also kept his temper under control although I could see it seethe and flow thru him,but he kept himself in check and also asked the same demanding questions. Both warriors handled themselves well.
There is so much I could say and think but it would take me all day to get it out. I saw Fonce take Asria towards his wagons, now had the situation not had been as intense and serious as it was I would have chuckled, I did however find amusement in the fact that he took her there in front of her accusers. But, then I find amusement in the strangest of places.
I left after a while, I had to get away from it all, I did not like how it clung to me or how it made me feel, I would go to the stream and sit there with my feet in the water letting it wash over the warm flesh, it would help sooth my thoughts and emotions, but it wouldn't cleanse away what was left to be clearly seen.
The skies often reveal much in unusual ways. I think we all got a lesson on much. I also think that those that assume that this will bring dissension and chaos, will find that we will go on as we do everyday. We are far stronger and bonded together than is thought, never underestimate this tribe, we may squabble , have disagreements and be vocal in many things, but that is the nature of family if we all got along all the time someone is lying and shallow. We grow, we expand and we flourish and those strands on the web of life are like the spiders web, very strong and flexible, tightly woven. When needed we stand as one, we act as one. Because we are Tuchuk and we know what that means. We are not the vermin of the cities,and having their ways does not a good tuchuk make, that has just been proven.
The quiet was broken as I heard my youngest son nearing and he sat next to me and leaned against me.
"You know father would kick your backside." Now I had to look at him and just chuckle, so like his father to come out with something to break the chain of emotions that would wrap about me. Though there is much I would not speak of with him, he is young and he is my son. Those are burdens I never place on my children.
Suddenly the air was shattered as Hallie joined us, "Don't be thinking because you are sitting by mother you are safe, I will tell her what you did."
I looked at the two curiously, and saw a hint of a smile from my youngest son,it was slightly painful for me to see, he was to much like his father in looks sometimes. Now I understood how my father must have felt with me, given he has told me how much like my mother I look.
But I did wonder just what happened between my two children, Hallie was all wet and had her temper up. No doubt he pulled some prank on her, the question was.. what did he do.?
