Normally I do not mind the rain, I rather enjoy the beauty and simplicity of it. It can be gentle and soothing and it can be harsh and destructive. Most times I can lose myself in its liquid embrace, letting the rivulets glide along my skin. To feel and taste it is like the sweet crystalline succor of sugar. At least to me, it is water, it touches my emotions and it soothes my senses.
But, today. I find the rain irritates me, it is not the rain itself, it is simply me.
I am irritated.
There are no two ways about it, and when I am irritated I also get testy and moody. The combination of weather and my mood. Well, that is like putting a delicate prospect of heated slave in front of a hungry sleen. The results are instant annilhation. It is the first day of the move, I could hear in front of me the sounds of the wagon wheels as they grasped the land, I could inhale the scent of freshly turned ground and the light fragrance the blades of grass released when stepped upon or rode upon. The distinct heady fragrance of the bosk mingled with the sounds and scents. Along with the songs of the singers and the joyous laughter of children, there was excitement in the air as we began the move.
My wagons were at the end of all the first wagons, sort of in between the outer wagons and the first wagons, not my usual place to be . I am normally further up along side my fathers, because even though I am almost as old as dirt and he is older than dirt,he tends to still watch over me. Old habits die hard, I know that because I still watch over my own children no matter how old and capable they think they are, even those I consider children that aren't really but in my heart they are . I got it into my head in this moment of unbalanced,frazzled, chaotic mind set to pull away from people. Sometimes I think I have become to set in my ways although some would say it is control. I had to kind of shake my head a bit, as any who could think or say such do not really know me. But then again who really knows me. I think the only one that truly knows a good portion of me is Garyx and even he does not know all of me, he yet learns daily that is part of being in a binding relationship, something new to learn of each other daily. Though at the moment he is in the sleen house even if he doesn't know it. Back here I can just ride and be silent. Listen to the outriders and others as they talk. I learn much, something's I really do not want to know but do. But I am practicing one of my own lessons that I designed for my students. I just never claimed to be good at it.
Sometimes I miss having a female confidante, a woman that I can laugh with over silly things or share my deepest fears and secrets. I had that once long ago before I returned to the plains. I had that with my sister Dina. Times like this I really miss her, I know she feels my emotions as I do hers,because she is like me and I am like her. I could tell her anything and never be seen as less than a woman nor would she judge me. I find today I really miss that. Unfortunately, I have learned the hard way women tend to betray freindships, I learned that the most painful way here upon the plains. Since then I keep a safe distance of the real me from everyone I allow each person in only to a certain point. Some take it various ways, to me it is self preservation. But that does not mean I do not miss such things, it would be nice to have a confidante I can talk to, although I do not mind being such for others. I realized that outside of my mate I have no one close to me like that.
As each ahn passes my body feel the effects, I do not think we ever get used to this no matter how many times we have made it. For the most part I ride along side my wagons on Mist Runner, though it is kind of funny to see the reaction of new people when they realize that he is never penned and that I never use a saddle and very rarely do I use reins on him,he was created in the deepest and heaviest of the morning mists. He comes when I need him and then leaves when I do not. He is a temperamental beast he does not allow anyone other than Garyx and Cana to touch him, in fact one of the young unscarred boys thought that he was tough and brave and decided to not heed the warnings of not only the one who is one with him but a spex. Go figure, it seems to be in the air lately, he very quickly found out when Mist Runner suddenly gave one of those warning growl like sounds , this was ignored and the next thing you knew he was writhing on the ground in pain and blood flowed along his arm in small rivers. Obviously he is missing a chunk of flesh from his arm. Now I was tempted to let him just bleed to death. But he is tuchuk unscarred or not. And I had a rare moment of pity. Father would say a moment of getting soft.
I fixed his arm, but that wicked part of me did it without numbing it, sort of a painful lesson to head warnings. I bet he thinks twice next time. I swear I could hear that beast of my laugh. It wouldn't surprise me any.
I decided to let Mist ride off he was often my eyes and ears in a way he sensed danger in ways humans cannot even we spex cannot always know of some things. So, I decided to sit in the wagon for a bit, Ulric would check on me every now and then and I decided to try and catch up on my writings.
Skies I have gotten behind... so now to figure out how to summarize a vast array of thought.
But, today. I find the rain irritates me, it is not the rain itself, it is simply me.
I am irritated.
There are no two ways about it, and when I am irritated I also get testy and moody. The combination of weather and my mood. Well, that is like putting a delicate prospect of heated slave in front of a hungry sleen. The results are instant annilhation. It is the first day of the move, I could hear in front of me the sounds of the wagon wheels as they grasped the land, I could inhale the scent of freshly turned ground and the light fragrance the blades of grass released when stepped upon or rode upon. The distinct heady fragrance of the bosk mingled with the sounds and scents. Along with the songs of the singers and the joyous laughter of children, there was excitement in the air as we began the move.
My wagons were at the end of all the first wagons, sort of in between the outer wagons and the first wagons, not my usual place to be . I am normally further up along side my fathers, because even though I am almost as old as dirt and he is older than dirt,he tends to still watch over me. Old habits die hard, I know that because I still watch over my own children no matter how old and capable they think they are, even those I consider children that aren't really but in my heart they are . I got it into my head in this moment of unbalanced,frazzled, chaotic mind set to pull away from people. Sometimes I think I have become to set in my ways although some would say it is control. I had to kind of shake my head a bit, as any who could think or say such do not really know me. But then again who really knows me. I think the only one that truly knows a good portion of me is Garyx and even he does not know all of me, he yet learns daily that is part of being in a binding relationship, something new to learn of each other daily. Though at the moment he is in the sleen house even if he doesn't know it. Back here I can just ride and be silent. Listen to the outriders and others as they talk. I learn much, something's I really do not want to know but do. But I am practicing one of my own lessons that I designed for my students. I just never claimed to be good at it.
Sometimes I miss having a female confidante, a woman that I can laugh with over silly things or share my deepest fears and secrets. I had that once long ago before I returned to the plains. I had that with my sister Dina. Times like this I really miss her, I know she feels my emotions as I do hers,because she is like me and I am like her. I could tell her anything and never be seen as less than a woman nor would she judge me. I find today I really miss that. Unfortunately, I have learned the hard way women tend to betray freindships, I learned that the most painful way here upon the plains. Since then I keep a safe distance of the real me from everyone I allow each person in only to a certain point. Some take it various ways, to me it is self preservation. But that does not mean I do not miss such things, it would be nice to have a confidante I can talk to, although I do not mind being such for others. I realized that outside of my mate I have no one close to me like that.
As each ahn passes my body feel the effects, I do not think we ever get used to this no matter how many times we have made it. For the most part I ride along side my wagons on Mist Runner, though it is kind of funny to see the reaction of new people when they realize that he is never penned and that I never use a saddle and very rarely do I use reins on him,he was created in the deepest and heaviest of the morning mists. He comes when I need him and then leaves when I do not. He is a temperamental beast he does not allow anyone other than Garyx and Cana to touch him, in fact one of the young unscarred boys thought that he was tough and brave and decided to not heed the warnings of not only the one who is one with him but a spex. Go figure, it seems to be in the air lately, he very quickly found out when Mist Runner suddenly gave one of those warning growl like sounds , this was ignored and the next thing you knew he was writhing on the ground in pain and blood flowed along his arm in small rivers. Obviously he is missing a chunk of flesh from his arm. Now I was tempted to let him just bleed to death. But he is tuchuk unscarred or not. And I had a rare moment of pity. Father would say a moment of getting soft.
I fixed his arm, but that wicked part of me did it without numbing it, sort of a painful lesson to head warnings. I bet he thinks twice next time. I swear I could hear that beast of my laugh. It wouldn't surprise me any.
I decided to let Mist ride off he was often my eyes and ears in a way he sensed danger in ways humans cannot even we spex cannot always know of some things. So, I decided to sit in the wagon for a bit, Ulric would check on me every now and then and I decided to try and catch up on my writings.
Skies I have gotten behind... so now to figure out how to summarize a vast array of thought.
