It would take a few days before Garyx and I would sit down and really talk of things, I think in some ways he did it on purpose. He knows me all to well and knows that I hate the silence of things. There was a time before him that I did not mind the silence. In fact I practiced it often, if I was upset of something I rarely said anything of it to anyone, let alone the person that ticked me off. In fact, I would let it sit inside me and fester and grow into a purulent cocoon that would systemically flow thru my system, slowly devouring any good thought. But again, that was before Garyx.
At one time, I had such an iron control over all emotion and thought that you never really knew what I felt or thought. I on purpose kept people at a distance, each person had a level of closeness they were allowed. To some that made me appear unapproachable, aloof and uncaring. When in fact that was the farthest thing from the truth. I kept people at a distance to protect myself. Everyone experiences pain, loss, sorrow and are forced to walk thru trials of fire in order to grow and become who they are supposed to be. Some never really experience these things, they may lose a loved one like a father and mother and feel as if they are broken and shattered. Some may be injured in some fashion and feel as if they were the only one to have pain, and another may be betrayed and feel that they have suffered the greatest injustice there has ever been rendered. And for them, these things are true,valid and sincere. For the skies only give what you can handle. Even when we think they have pushed us beyond our endurance they challenge to find more of ourselves.
There were times in my life when I really wished to die, when I felt I could not get up again to go on. If I close my eyes I can still see myself lying in the middle of the viscous murky puddle of darkness. I can see my bones bleached to whiteness stripped of flesh, a hollowness drilled within the center of my being. It is a familiar place that holds all the sorrows and the pains of life, the betrayals and deaths. Everything that can destroy a person physically,mentally and emotionally are there. I have been in that place many times, for most of my teen age life and most of my adult life I have lived there. Alone, with no one to offer that hand to life me up or guide me. There were times when I crawled upward from the tenacious grip of those depths, striving to break the hold it had on me, with each struggle a part of me broken,shattered, my blood would flow profusely leaving me near the edge of death, and yet, somehow I never gave up, though I was a heap of shredded flesh and bone, I managed to get back up, refusing to dwell in the self pity and weakness that I could have. I would take the steps no matter how humiliating or hard it was to walk onward. How could I just give up and whine of all the wrongs done, how could I dwell in self pity wearing it like a badge of honor. I could not, and did not. I am not only my fathers daughter, but I am also a Tuchuk woman. And we are far from weak. We do not know what it means to give up on anything or anyone.
There are times I wish I could get back to that place for I had control of my emotions, I could hide myself there. But, for the most part I am glad I cannot, the reason I cannot, is Garyx. For one I know he would not allow it, but the main reason is because of all that we have shared together and endured together has stripped away some of those layers. There is still much to remove but we do not rush, for time has no meaning. He has proven many times over that I can trust him beyond all measure, I can put my life in his hands and he will cherish and protect it. And he has, had it not been for him the kassar on the last journey would have killed me, I saw that part of him that was like a raging kur as he fought them, that loss of control that allowed only the focus of death. I have seen the gentleness of him and the look upon his face as he helped deliver his first child, a son. I saw his expression when he held him.. I also see everyday his heart and the depth of the love we share. And yet he has the strength to do what is needed when I do something I should not. It is a choice I know I make when I go against something , but usually I make it with a lot of thought and weigh if the outcome, and consequence is worth it, this time I did not. I merely reacted. I know why. But I wont use that as an excuse or crutch for my actions. Because I of all people know better.
These are things he knows, and he uses things that he knows will affect me. To someone else it may not seem as if it is anything much, but he knows exactly what he is doing. There are times he does not have to say a word and I know just by the look or the body language. Then there are times it is just how he says just one word, usually my name. And I know, he has learned over the turnings how to handle me, he knows what will get to me. He knows exactly what will reach in and rip out my very soul. Just as he knows how to calm me and comfort me. And this night was no different, he was not his usual self even in the privacy of our wagon. I felt all that weighed upon him and swirled within him. I did not blame him. We spoke of many things. Our thoughts and feelings, he did what was needed and I had done what was needed and expected as well, when all was said and down I found myself in the warm embrace of his arms. Where I belonged, I knew all would work out and I knew all would be as it should. More importantly, I knew that this was yet but another strand of understanding and depth added to us.
It will be a long time before I tempt fate like that again.
At one time, I had such an iron control over all emotion and thought that you never really knew what I felt or thought. I on purpose kept people at a distance, each person had a level of closeness they were allowed. To some that made me appear unapproachable, aloof and uncaring. When in fact that was the farthest thing from the truth. I kept people at a distance to protect myself. Everyone experiences pain, loss, sorrow and are forced to walk thru trials of fire in order to grow and become who they are supposed to be. Some never really experience these things, they may lose a loved one like a father and mother and feel as if they are broken and shattered. Some may be injured in some fashion and feel as if they were the only one to have pain, and another may be betrayed and feel that they have suffered the greatest injustice there has ever been rendered. And for them, these things are true,valid and sincere. For the skies only give what you can handle. Even when we think they have pushed us beyond our endurance they challenge to find more of ourselves.
There were times in my life when I really wished to die, when I felt I could not get up again to go on. If I close my eyes I can still see myself lying in the middle of the viscous murky puddle of darkness. I can see my bones bleached to whiteness stripped of flesh, a hollowness drilled within the center of my being. It is a familiar place that holds all the sorrows and the pains of life, the betrayals and deaths. Everything that can destroy a person physically,mentally and emotionally are there. I have been in that place many times, for most of my teen age life and most of my adult life I have lived there. Alone, with no one to offer that hand to life me up or guide me. There were times when I crawled upward from the tenacious grip of those depths, striving to break the hold it had on me, with each struggle a part of me broken,shattered, my blood would flow profusely leaving me near the edge of death, and yet, somehow I never gave up, though I was a heap of shredded flesh and bone, I managed to get back up, refusing to dwell in the self pity and weakness that I could have. I would take the steps no matter how humiliating or hard it was to walk onward. How could I just give up and whine of all the wrongs done, how could I dwell in self pity wearing it like a badge of honor. I could not, and did not. I am not only my fathers daughter, but I am also a Tuchuk woman. And we are far from weak. We do not know what it means to give up on anything or anyone.
There are times I wish I could get back to that place for I had control of my emotions, I could hide myself there. But, for the most part I am glad I cannot, the reason I cannot, is Garyx. For one I know he would not allow it, but the main reason is because of all that we have shared together and endured together has stripped away some of those layers. There is still much to remove but we do not rush, for time has no meaning. He has proven many times over that I can trust him beyond all measure, I can put my life in his hands and he will cherish and protect it. And he has, had it not been for him the kassar on the last journey would have killed me, I saw that part of him that was like a raging kur as he fought them, that loss of control that allowed only the focus of death. I have seen the gentleness of him and the look upon his face as he helped deliver his first child, a son. I saw his expression when he held him.. I also see everyday his heart and the depth of the love we share. And yet he has the strength to do what is needed when I do something I should not. It is a choice I know I make when I go against something , but usually I make it with a lot of thought and weigh if the outcome, and consequence is worth it, this time I did not. I merely reacted. I know why. But I wont use that as an excuse or crutch for my actions. Because I of all people know better.
These are things he knows, and he uses things that he knows will affect me. To someone else it may not seem as if it is anything much, but he knows exactly what he is doing. There are times he does not have to say a word and I know just by the look or the body language. Then there are times it is just how he says just one word, usually my name. And I know, he has learned over the turnings how to handle me, he knows what will get to me. He knows exactly what will reach in and rip out my very soul. Just as he knows how to calm me and comfort me. And this night was no different, he was not his usual self even in the privacy of our wagon. I felt all that weighed upon him and swirled within him. I did not blame him. We spoke of many things. Our thoughts and feelings, he did what was needed and I had done what was needed and expected as well, when all was said and down I found myself in the warm embrace of his arms. Where I belonged, I knew all would work out and I knew all would be as it should. More importantly, I knew that this was yet but another strand of understanding and depth added to us.
It will be a long time before I tempt fate like that again.
