So far the trail has not had any thing catastrophic happen, the usual repairs, and fatigue that assails everyone as each struggle to help the other, it is no wonder at night when we finally stop that it is with such a heart felt gratitude to the skies that we get to have a bit of respite, sometimes I still can feel my bones jostle I swear I sound like some sort of game piece at times.
I have enjoyed moments of laughter with others as we rode. Though I do not often linger long because I often check on the ancient one, I am more worried than I will reveal. There have been many things that have occurred during this trail, and I tuck each thing into my mind. Sometimes thinking upon it and turning it over, chewing on it until I digest it. And other times I just dismiss it. I choose to speak of what I feel is right. I have always chosen when I will stand and speak of things and when I wont, when I feel I am right or justified I don't back down no matter who it is and no matter how much trouble it gets me in. When it is something I feel strongly about I wont budge, fortunately it is rare I have to take such a stand.
I have been watching the prospects, Kaeli who has worked hard and reveal the yearning to learn, she is open and warm, easy to cause to laugh and easy to cause to blush. She wants to be better. I was pleased to hear she made tribe, I sent her a single herlit feather with pale blue beads. I am not sure if it was enough but I found something beautiful and important in the simplicity of it. It only appears fragile but yet it can glide along the winds with and ease and grace that reveal an inner strength. Aponi, I push her hard, I want her to step outside of the shadows of the city that have suffocated her. To breathe and find herself, she is slower to learn but she is taking steps to do so. I have on purpose done a few things because no Tuchuk woman is going to sit back some mindless wonder and not speak her mind, Tuchuk woman are allowed to do such without repercussions even in the cities they can do that, this is what I find so strange at times, though I do keep forgetting in the cities the woman don't really speak their minds. It is as if the men have to guide their actions and thoughts, if I had to be that way I wouldn't talk either. I have given her various tasks.. To tell me of the grass, and not just its color but how it feels, smells and what it means to the Tuchuk. After that I gave her the task of doing the same of the bosk.. And finally I have given her the task of doing the exact same thing with water. I have learned that she is even easier to make blush than Kaeli is. And I have noticed the eyes she has for Jai's son. I know she was hurt by Ayguili. you know I am not so sure he really knows how to deal with women. Not even sure he knows how to handle men. He has this notion in his head that if you are not pure Tuchuk you are not Tuchuk, I always thought that if you had a drop of Tuchuk blood you are one. Once you are embraced into the tribe you are a Tuchuk as long as you live as one and don't vacillate between the cities and the plains. You cant live in both, to want the city and desire to be there makes you simply a dweller. You are one or the other and I have no respect to anyone who is like that nor will I give it until they earn it.
I do not know why he thinks this, perhaps it is a personal preference of another and if that is so, then that is very selfish, because I have seen pure tuchuks be less courageous and less honorable than even a dweller, I have seen pure tuchuks not be Tuchuk. So I have to ask.. What is more important... the blood.. or the heart, spirit and soul. For some not an easy answer to look at.
There are other prospects I have not seen, I have seen one that is a weaver I think, and to be honest I have to wonder if she was dropped on her head as a baby, I just have to shake my head at some things I have seen. No one can pull a wagon with a kailla.. Does she know how many bosk it takes? That one I think is going to take a lot of patience and hard work. And I don't have that kind of patience.
I had only been gone from the fires a few ahn when Falon came to me, I knew immediately something was wrong, she was all about ready to burst, she was angry but worst of all deeply hurt. I listened as she told me of what Ayguili said. I did not react at first even though I was more or less stunned, so I just listened. This was the first time I have seen my daughter this upset since her father died. I knew she took it as he was insulting her and her father due to the mamba blood that flowed thru her. I was not sure how to handle this as it was the first time this has ever been a concern. It never bothered Cana that Lochlan had this in his blood for he was Tuchuk thru and thru that is how they were raised, neither of them even know the ways of their father other than stories I would share of him and his courage and of his heart.
So what does a mother do, at the moment I did nothing I let her get it out of her system, I know that she is very sensitive of some things her father is one of them, and she can be very passionate in her emotions I think she gets that from him as I was never quite that way even when I was younger. To a point I was granted. I sat with her for ahns listening, when she was done I tried to explain that every person makes a choice in what they think is right, sometimes that choice is made and it is followed until the end of days and sometimes something happens to change what they think they know and believe. Fate has a way of conspiring against the ways of humans. I did not think that Ayguili would intentionally hurt her like that but I saw him do much the same to Aponi, there is no doubt he really does not know how to deal with women, that was something I wouldn't step into. My first reaction was to go and rip him apart and hand him his backside on a silver platter, but something tugged in the back of my mind that this was not normal Tuchuk thinking so therefore, there has to be something or someone behind it. So for now I would be silent and see what would come of it. I do not tell my children what to think or do.. they must work thru something's themselves and come to an understanding. She is a healer... I am sure that she will put much together and release it. We do not dwell on things.. it is not our way. We are passionate people we feel strongly, we react strongly and we forgive just as fast unless one kills another or betrays them in a deeply personal way. That is another matter.
I did go talk to father as Garyx was out hunting, I needed to speak of this to someone who could look at it in a non emotional way, and father has this way of detaching himself. If I do something he does not look at me as a daughter but as someone who did something that needs retribution handed to them, I know this of him all to well the few times I have done things to warrant punishment I recall them with a vivid clarity. Because I am his daughter he was always harsher with me than with anyone and of all the children he was harder on me, he says because I am more like him and yet to much like my mother. It is strange in some ways but it is something I accept. He listened to what Falon shared with me and sometimes that is all I need is someone to listen to my thoughts with him I could share my emotions that I could not reveal to her. As a mother she needed my strength and love not my own personal thoughts. When all is said and done this is something that Falon and Ayguili need to work out.
At least this is my thought of it.. I do have to wonder though of the way they get at each other, I find it a most curious thing.
I have enjoyed moments of laughter with others as we rode. Though I do not often linger long because I often check on the ancient one, I am more worried than I will reveal. There have been many things that have occurred during this trail, and I tuck each thing into my mind. Sometimes thinking upon it and turning it over, chewing on it until I digest it. And other times I just dismiss it. I choose to speak of what I feel is right. I have always chosen when I will stand and speak of things and when I wont, when I feel I am right or justified I don't back down no matter who it is and no matter how much trouble it gets me in. When it is something I feel strongly about I wont budge, fortunately it is rare I have to take such a stand.
I have been watching the prospects, Kaeli who has worked hard and reveal the yearning to learn, she is open and warm, easy to cause to laugh and easy to cause to blush. She wants to be better. I was pleased to hear she made tribe, I sent her a single herlit feather with pale blue beads. I am not sure if it was enough but I found something beautiful and important in the simplicity of it. It only appears fragile but yet it can glide along the winds with and ease and grace that reveal an inner strength. Aponi, I push her hard, I want her to step outside of the shadows of the city that have suffocated her. To breathe and find herself, she is slower to learn but she is taking steps to do so. I have on purpose done a few things because no Tuchuk woman is going to sit back some mindless wonder and not speak her mind, Tuchuk woman are allowed to do such without repercussions even in the cities they can do that, this is what I find so strange at times, though I do keep forgetting in the cities the woman don't really speak their minds. It is as if the men have to guide their actions and thoughts, if I had to be that way I wouldn't talk either. I have given her various tasks.. To tell me of the grass, and not just its color but how it feels, smells and what it means to the Tuchuk. After that I gave her the task of doing the same of the bosk.. And finally I have given her the task of doing the exact same thing with water. I have learned that she is even easier to make blush than Kaeli is. And I have noticed the eyes she has for Jai's son. I know she was hurt by Ayguili. you know I am not so sure he really knows how to deal with women. Not even sure he knows how to handle men. He has this notion in his head that if you are not pure Tuchuk you are not Tuchuk, I always thought that if you had a drop of Tuchuk blood you are one. Once you are embraced into the tribe you are a Tuchuk as long as you live as one and don't vacillate between the cities and the plains. You cant live in both, to want the city and desire to be there makes you simply a dweller. You are one or the other and I have no respect to anyone who is like that nor will I give it until they earn it.
I do not know why he thinks this, perhaps it is a personal preference of another and if that is so, then that is very selfish, because I have seen pure tuchuks be less courageous and less honorable than even a dweller, I have seen pure tuchuks not be Tuchuk. So I have to ask.. What is more important... the blood.. or the heart, spirit and soul. For some not an easy answer to look at.
There are other prospects I have not seen, I have seen one that is a weaver I think, and to be honest I have to wonder if she was dropped on her head as a baby, I just have to shake my head at some things I have seen. No one can pull a wagon with a kailla.. Does she know how many bosk it takes? That one I think is going to take a lot of patience and hard work. And I don't have that kind of patience.
I had only been gone from the fires a few ahn when Falon came to me, I knew immediately something was wrong, she was all about ready to burst, she was angry but worst of all deeply hurt. I listened as she told me of what Ayguili said. I did not react at first even though I was more or less stunned, so I just listened. This was the first time I have seen my daughter this upset since her father died. I knew she took it as he was insulting her and her father due to the mamba blood that flowed thru her. I was not sure how to handle this as it was the first time this has ever been a concern. It never bothered Cana that Lochlan had this in his blood for he was Tuchuk thru and thru that is how they were raised, neither of them even know the ways of their father other than stories I would share of him and his courage and of his heart.
So what does a mother do, at the moment I did nothing I let her get it out of her system, I know that she is very sensitive of some things her father is one of them, and she can be very passionate in her emotions I think she gets that from him as I was never quite that way even when I was younger. To a point I was granted. I sat with her for ahns listening, when she was done I tried to explain that every person makes a choice in what they think is right, sometimes that choice is made and it is followed until the end of days and sometimes something happens to change what they think they know and believe. Fate has a way of conspiring against the ways of humans. I did not think that Ayguili would intentionally hurt her like that but I saw him do much the same to Aponi, there is no doubt he really does not know how to deal with women, that was something I wouldn't step into. My first reaction was to go and rip him apart and hand him his backside on a silver platter, but something tugged in the back of my mind that this was not normal Tuchuk thinking so therefore, there has to be something or someone behind it. So for now I would be silent and see what would come of it. I do not tell my children what to think or do.. they must work thru something's themselves and come to an understanding. She is a healer... I am sure that she will put much together and release it. We do not dwell on things.. it is not our way. We are passionate people we feel strongly, we react strongly and we forgive just as fast unless one kills another or betrays them in a deeply personal way. That is another matter.
I did go talk to father as Garyx was out hunting, I needed to speak of this to someone who could look at it in a non emotional way, and father has this way of detaching himself. If I do something he does not look at me as a daughter but as someone who did something that needs retribution handed to them, I know this of him all to well the few times I have done things to warrant punishment I recall them with a vivid clarity. Because I am his daughter he was always harsher with me than with anyone and of all the children he was harder on me, he says because I am more like him and yet to much like my mother. It is strange in some ways but it is something I accept. He listened to what Falon shared with me and sometimes that is all I need is someone to listen to my thoughts with him I could share my emotions that I could not reveal to her. As a mother she needed my strength and love not my own personal thoughts. When all is said and done this is something that Falon and Ayguili need to work out.
At least this is my thought of it.. I do have to wonder though of the way they get at each other, I find it a most curious thing.
