Arkus had stopped by earlier with some fresh meat, it was in fact too much for me as lately my appetite has been scarce to nonexistent. But I took it and I cut it into various sections some I cut into thin strips and seasoned them so that I could then dry them out for use later in the season when it would be needed. Another portion was cut and I wrapped it and walked along the infinite rows of wagons, until I found a few elders who had no family left or anyone to provide for them and I gave it to them to divide up. I did not linger long, but just long enough to share a bowl of black wine with them. I listened to their stories, but then I always did enjoy the older ones they had experienced so much and their tales never bored me, much of what people share has always fascinated me.
After a short while I left them and returned to my own wagons, they were like an isolated fortress for me in the past few days, I had locked myself away in more than one way, working thru various emotions, thoughts and rants. Some were viable some were not, but I had to work thru it. I went thru the why stage, the wanting to know why he was taken away in the prime of his life, why had they taken the only man who was and would ever be the only one to understand me and know me. Of course the answers made no sense, but when did they ever at the time of emotional turmoil. I went thru the anger stage, angry at the sky for taking him and angry at Garyx for dying, angry at myself for not finding him in time or being able to fix the wounds, the fury would erupt like an uncontrolled fire storm from a volcano, rising and exploding and splashing outward into a million fragments of spitting fury. I could feel it rage and burn thru me, I could barely control the elemental part of me that rose to the surface threatening to consume and devour.
Beneath the fury came the ice cold numbness of feeling nothing,only a heavy blanket of lethargy would envelope me and force me to sleep for long periods of time. I found myself stuck in this place for a while, the place of not caring, of self pity and despondency. I wanted to wallow in this pit and never leave it. So many thoughts go thru my mind from thoughts of self destruction that would bring about my own demise, that was a strong one, so strong that I could taste it and feel it. Yes, that one I felt the strongest, I even have it all planned out how to make it happen without breaking my promise. Woven within this fabric of emotions were other thoughts both concrete and nonsensical, a flood tide of images would bombard my mind,my soul and my spirit.
Until eventually I reached the plateau of acceptance. Well sort of.
There are no certainties of life, the only thing we know of without a doubt is we are born and we die. It is a part of our life, we each know that at any given moment upon the plains we could lose a child, a parent, a sibling, a mate, or a soul mate. It does not mean it hurts less knowing this, it does not mean we do not grieve, but it does mean that we do not dwell in this morbid, dank cavern for long. This is why a Tuchuk values life so much ,why we cherish what we do.
I am no different though some like to think it. I am a survivor this is true, but survivors bear many scars some not seen, we are strong this is also true, but we also crack and break. I feel things more deeply than many realize, I am more sensitive than they know, a few have hurt me and don't think I know or care, a few of lied to me and think the consequence of it means I am mean, cold and bitter, when in truth it is the fact the pain of the betrayal has cut me so deep that I hide it, I only reveal the consequence of action. Some take my indifference at other things as meaning I do not care or I am unapproachable, this is also not true, when the same people take a piece of your flesh with each encounter you no longer have the strength to fight to show you care enough to want them in your life, they do not understand or are not quite right in their thoughts, when you bleed from those wounds so profusely that you lack the energy to even continue to try because the disappointment hurts to much and it finally becomes clear that to them you are not valuable to them or worthwhile in some way. And yet others take a passionate reaction as a reflection upon themselves, to turn a situation around so that it is justifiable to them to have a reason to not try or care or to think I do not.
I know of these thoughts, I have heard them voiced, or spoken of by others, I have seen and felt them first hand, I do not justify them nor speak of them because it would change nothing. People will think what they will, truth is, I feel very deeply in a way I can not put into words, I can feel the frustration and anger of another, their excitement and exhilaration, their fear, their sorrow and pain. If one looked they would see in my eyes my heart on my sleeve when it comes to those I care of . Some have a misguided notion that I am perfect or think I am, skies above, that is just to funny to me, for I can attest first hand I am very flawed and the most imperfect person I know, but I will stand up for what is right and true, regardless of the trouble it gets me into. I will stand up for what I feel and think, regardless of the consequence to myself. I will fight tooth and nail for tradition and what is Tuchuk and I will be outspoken on what is not regardless of who it is. Wether it is a slave,warrior,free woman, prospect, or eve an Ubar, and I am sure I will continue to piss people off. But the bottom line is, I am always honest in what I say or do, I will speak it bluntly and truthfully, you always know where you stand with me. I warn people if you really want to know, do not ask me. Be sure you really want to know. Because I will tell you.
If I vent and rant and rave and yell, then it is out of my system and it is done, then I can talk of what had me all wound up, its when I don't talk of things, or am silent that there is a path of no forgiveness being forged, and it is up to the other to determine if that will be cemented in stone or if the path will change, right now there are a couple on this path, it is up to them what comes of it, my days of trying and going out of my way to fight for friendship and understanding are done. It takes two and I no longer will shoulder all the work and being the first to speak, offer a way for things to happen or too make things happen, it always takes two. And I never ever forget anything. I am a Tuchuk thru and thru, and all tuchuks have a knack for remembering things.
It is all these things I have thought upon and worked thru, to finally reach the place where I can maybe once more be among people. I knew I could not before this without breaking down and I very rarely show my personal or deeply private thoughts or emotions in public.
Although I have reached this place I know that yet there will be good days and bad, each of the children have spent their time with Garyx, to speak their hearts to just him, the pyre is but a formality, a proper way to send him off on that final journey. I know soon it is to come I am just not yet sure when we will be able to do so, that is not up to me.
But it still sucks no matter how I try to pretty up the thought in my head. But, life goes on. . and so do we. .
After a short while I left them and returned to my own wagons, they were like an isolated fortress for me in the past few days, I had locked myself away in more than one way, working thru various emotions, thoughts and rants. Some were viable some were not, but I had to work thru it. I went thru the why stage, the wanting to know why he was taken away in the prime of his life, why had they taken the only man who was and would ever be the only one to understand me and know me. Of course the answers made no sense, but when did they ever at the time of emotional turmoil. I went thru the anger stage, angry at the sky for taking him and angry at Garyx for dying, angry at myself for not finding him in time or being able to fix the wounds, the fury would erupt like an uncontrolled fire storm from a volcano, rising and exploding and splashing outward into a million fragments of spitting fury. I could feel it rage and burn thru me, I could barely control the elemental part of me that rose to the surface threatening to consume and devour.
Beneath the fury came the ice cold numbness of feeling nothing,only a heavy blanket of lethargy would envelope me and force me to sleep for long periods of time. I found myself stuck in this place for a while, the place of not caring, of self pity and despondency. I wanted to wallow in this pit and never leave it. So many thoughts go thru my mind from thoughts of self destruction that would bring about my own demise, that was a strong one, so strong that I could taste it and feel it. Yes, that one I felt the strongest, I even have it all planned out how to make it happen without breaking my promise. Woven within this fabric of emotions were other thoughts both concrete and nonsensical, a flood tide of images would bombard my mind,my soul and my spirit.
Until eventually I reached the plateau of acceptance. Well sort of.
There are no certainties of life, the only thing we know of without a doubt is we are born and we die. It is a part of our life, we each know that at any given moment upon the plains we could lose a child, a parent, a sibling, a mate, or a soul mate. It does not mean it hurts less knowing this, it does not mean we do not grieve, but it does mean that we do not dwell in this morbid, dank cavern for long. This is why a Tuchuk values life so much ,why we cherish what we do.
I am no different though some like to think it. I am a survivor this is true, but survivors bear many scars some not seen, we are strong this is also true, but we also crack and break. I feel things more deeply than many realize, I am more sensitive than they know, a few have hurt me and don't think I know or care, a few of lied to me and think the consequence of it means I am mean, cold and bitter, when in truth it is the fact the pain of the betrayal has cut me so deep that I hide it, I only reveal the consequence of action. Some take my indifference at other things as meaning I do not care or I am unapproachable, this is also not true, when the same people take a piece of your flesh with each encounter you no longer have the strength to fight to show you care enough to want them in your life, they do not understand or are not quite right in their thoughts, when you bleed from those wounds so profusely that you lack the energy to even continue to try because the disappointment hurts to much and it finally becomes clear that to them you are not valuable to them or worthwhile in some way. And yet others take a passionate reaction as a reflection upon themselves, to turn a situation around so that it is justifiable to them to have a reason to not try or care or to think I do not.
I know of these thoughts, I have heard them voiced, or spoken of by others, I have seen and felt them first hand, I do not justify them nor speak of them because it would change nothing. People will think what they will, truth is, I feel very deeply in a way I can not put into words, I can feel the frustration and anger of another, their excitement and exhilaration, their fear, their sorrow and pain. If one looked they would see in my eyes my heart on my sleeve when it comes to those I care of . Some have a misguided notion that I am perfect or think I am, skies above, that is just to funny to me, for I can attest first hand I am very flawed and the most imperfect person I know, but I will stand up for what is right and true, regardless of the trouble it gets me into. I will stand up for what I feel and think, regardless of the consequence to myself. I will fight tooth and nail for tradition and what is Tuchuk and I will be outspoken on what is not regardless of who it is. Wether it is a slave,warrior,free woman, prospect, or eve an Ubar, and I am sure I will continue to piss people off. But the bottom line is, I am always honest in what I say or do, I will speak it bluntly and truthfully, you always know where you stand with me. I warn people if you really want to know, do not ask me. Be sure you really want to know. Because I will tell you.
If I vent and rant and rave and yell, then it is out of my system and it is done, then I can talk of what had me all wound up, its when I don't talk of things, or am silent that there is a path of no forgiveness being forged, and it is up to the other to determine if that will be cemented in stone or if the path will change, right now there are a couple on this path, it is up to them what comes of it, my days of trying and going out of my way to fight for friendship and understanding are done. It takes two and I no longer will shoulder all the work and being the first to speak, offer a way for things to happen or too make things happen, it always takes two. And I never ever forget anything. I am a Tuchuk thru and thru, and all tuchuks have a knack for remembering things.
It is all these things I have thought upon and worked thru, to finally reach the place where I can maybe once more be among people. I knew I could not before this without breaking down and I very rarely show my personal or deeply private thoughts or emotions in public.
Although I have reached this place I know that yet there will be good days and bad, each of the children have spent their time with Garyx, to speak their hearts to just him, the pyre is but a formality, a proper way to send him off on that final journey. I know soon it is to come I am just not yet sure when we will be able to do so, that is not up to me.
But it still sucks no matter how I try to pretty up the thought in my head. But, life goes on. . and so do we. .
