I was sitting by my wagon in front of the fire, I had worked many ahns preparing the ritual for the night. I had trouble focusing on what I needed to do, which was rather irritating given I had to redo the damn ritual a few times over before I had it right. I wanted each person that was involved to have a part of it in a way that was symbolic to them and to allow the reason for it to flow and flourish and be enjoyable. There were small things for students to do so that they also felt they were a part of it, it is during these celebrations that all are as one, elders, students and those in between.
Why now did all this have to be going on in my head, I had things that needed my focus and my attention. There are times when being a spex sucks big time, the heaviness of it is felt more keenly than other times. Thankfully I do not feel it weighing upon me to often. And the sad thing is I can not share what I am seeing with anyone, to share it means some will try to change it, and we are not allowed to interfere even when it is something that touches us. And I know that the skies and those beyond know just how much I want to interfere, in fact it is a struggle to not do it, the other elders know this and I think that is why they keep finding me things to do. It is rare that I want to go against everything I know,believe in and live by and just dive in and change it. I think a part of me is dying in someway because of it. This is the hardest thing for me right now. To be silent. To do nothing. For now I know I must remain silent and wait. I was never good at waiting. I try to figure out what to think and feel and I cannot, I try to keep pieces of me together but I cannot so I must find ways to keep myself busy.
I have to wonder is it better to not know, or to know?
As I sat there drinking some blackwine my youngest son,Arkus and Hallie joined me. Hallie was telling me about Cana 's new baby girls, I do not think I have seen such excitement about her. She was full of life as she talked of them and of the kailla that she has been working with, I had to laugh as she gave a conspiratorial smile when she said how she would teach them how to torment their brothers, if anyone is good at that it is Hallie and Falon. I sometimes wonder how any of my sons survived them.
Soon a few other young ones were at my fires, and I had to wonder at this very rarely did so many invade my personal space like this, they wanted to hear various stories, somehow I had an idea who was behind this. So I sat with them and decided to give a story that would awaken their senses to know themselves, good and bad, weak or strong. And of other things that are hard for children to understand.
"You know that it is not good to be out very late in the night, don't you?" The younger ones nodded, "It is the darkness," one would say "that makes us afraid,if we do not understand it." Hallie and Arkus just listened having heard this story many times over. They would smile knowing what would be revealed.
"At one time there lived a young warrior, he was quiet,a hard worker, and a very skilled hunter. He was generous with his rewards on the hunt with everyone, giving to those in need. But, there were envious people who wished him evil. These envious ones told him that one of them had a beautiful sister that admired him and wanted to see him at a very special place. They told him they would find her if he went there and listened for her song. And while the young hunter did not trust these men, the thoughts of the beautiful young woman was strong and he had to ask himself, what can a woman do to me that can harm me?
He traveled to this meeting place, but imagine his surprise that when he got there, she was not there. He sat down and looked about, and noticed that there were four pathways of the stream that came together at this point. That was strange, he had passed here before and never seen such before, at least not that he had ever noticed. After a long wait he decided to go, but a sudden strong whirlwind suddenly swept by and blinded him with dust, at the same time he heard a beautiful song echoing around him. Singing was always a way to create many emotions, and thoughts, both good and bad, the song of the haruspex could cast spells and create magic for good and bad, the young warrior was not sure what was going on but before he could think or react, a spell had been cast over him so that he was helpless to even think.
He turned aimlessly and as he did, he saw the old haruspex, Nasatai, walking along the path towards him, carrying a bundle of herbs and other strange things, she was close to the plains and the people of the plains, she had guessed the young hunter's trouble and was chewing on one of her curing herbs, she would pause by him and she would rub her spittle on his temples . The hunter immediately recovered from the spell."
One of the children quickly spoke out, "Which herb did she use." I would only smile and not reveal it, that is a secret of the clan that cannot be revealed, I merely told her that, " it is an old rare one that is not easily found now." The children realized that I would not tell it. So they waited for the rest of the story.
" The old woman warned him of the beautiful spex that lived along the third path of the stream, she gave him a pouch with some herbs and told him how to use them. As he thanked her , he tried to quiet that thunderous beating of his pulse, it was wild and erratic, making him as if he were running. He seemed to be two people instead of one, with voices fighting inside his head, one warning him of the dangers, and the other saying here was new game to hunt. Then the song once more drew him to the third stream which was stronger, wider and deeper than all the others, its beauty was seductive and alluring. As he neared the current was so swift no one could cross it without dying,there was deep mud that could suck you down quickly near the edge and jagged rocks poked up from the watery depths that would slice and dice you if you got to close. Fear took hold of him and he wanted to turn and run back, but his hand pulled one of the herbs from the pouch and he chewed it, then rubbed his body from head to foot. He felt stronger, and as he proceeded across the stream he found that the mud did not suck him down and the current had calmed.
Once across it he would sink down on to the embankment exhausted, his new boots were wet and torn into shreds, the bead work all gone,even his clothing had been torn, how had that happened he wondered but knew the answer as he looked across the stream. Soon it would be to late and to dark to go any farther, and he listened for the song. All was quite, The plains in front of him was filled with grass and it was still, not even a slight sway was noticed, there were no birds in the sky, there was a strange, faintly ugly smell on the air, and he knew this was a sign of osts near. He walked slowly across the plains and he saw many poisonous insects and countless types of osts. His body moved straight ahead , but it was as if another's soul directed it. Consciousness returned to him sharply and he thought he had slept, but for how long? The sky was darkening as the twilight gave way to evening, he stood up and to his amazement he found he was on the far side of the plains without any memory of crossing them. He noticed not far a way a wagon and there was smoke coming from a fire outside of it and he hurried towards it racing the darkness.
No one was about the fire, and he called out, and from the wagon and old woman's voice beckoned to him to enter, he did hesitate, strange there was no one about, no outriders no one. Once inside he would sit down noticing that a part of it was closed off, and he heard strange noises in the wagon as he sat down, but that old woman was watching him so close that he did not inquire. He knew she was the one without a heart!, Danger tightened his scalp, was this the spex?
The old woman set before him a bowl of stew, he lifted it and plucked out a piece of meat, however as he pinched it between his fingers it turned into a human heart, he knew well that eating it would have changed him into an evil one. People who want the haruspex powers turn themselves into haruspex by eating human hearts. completing their initiation by consuming the heart of the person they love the most."
"No way, that cant happen," one of the boys said. I had to laugh softly and remind him this was a story, of course it was impossible to become a haruspex like that. But he was listening to the story and this is what was important. So I continued the story.
"Quickly the hunter chewed an herb and spit into the bowl and as he did this the old woman rushed to climb out of the wagon and in her panic fell and the way she fell caused her death. The hunter would then move thru the wagon and in the back he saw other evil ones going thru their rites.He noticed only a few ways out of the wagon, Rubbing and herb on his knife he scratched a circle around the opening of the wagon and also in other places he repeated this act, especially where the evil ones were. The old woman had told him this would imprison the evil ones. After it was done he began to feel safe and he found he could lay down and sleep.
As was his way, before the dawn broke he would go out and offer his prayers to the sky and gave his offerings. Then he called down to the beautiful spex thru the opening of the wagon. She begged forgiveness, but he refused to release her until after she gave him the plumes which endowed her with the evil. To be sure they are hers and not someone else's he spit herb juice on the plumes and set fire to them, If they did not burn she had lied, and she would be imprisoned forever, if they burned she would return with him, but without the evil power within her. They did catch fire and ashes fell upon the upturned faces of the other evil ones except for the young spex.
The hunter sang a short chant and with a peaceful heart he started back the way he came. The young beautiful woman followed, and as she did she was bitten by the snakes and insects, she had to cross the stream and was almost torn to pieces by the swift current and jagged rocks, In his camp among his tribe the day was ending and the people were surprised he brought back no game. Taking his stand in the center of the camp, the hunter sang out. "One who was lost in sleep, one who was lost in sleep, took me far, far away." The listeners did not understand his meaning, as they wondered on this they saw the young spex approach, still following the hunter, walking as one whose senses were not with her, and as they watched, she fainted into an eternal sleep. "
I watched them as they tried to figure out what the hunters words meant, " When we can face the darkness without fear, we can sing the hunters song. The mind will play tricks if we let it. " A few I could see the understanding begin and as they left Hallie would look to me and chuckle, "Do you know how long it took me to figure that story out?" I had to laugh because I did, she would hound and hound me for answers, but she had to figure it out on her own.
My two children sat with me for a while until they had to each go on with their own lives and duties, Arkus I know has been working hard and learning much, it was good to see him. I had no doubt he would learn well, he had a good teacher, one that had a patience for teaching his skill. I am proud of my son, he will become much. The youngest son remained with me for a while helping me with various herbs and oils. I was creating two very special ones. It was time for him to learn how. I was pleased to see how quick he picked up on things.
Why now did all this have to be going on in my head, I had things that needed my focus and my attention. There are times when being a spex sucks big time, the heaviness of it is felt more keenly than other times. Thankfully I do not feel it weighing upon me to often. And the sad thing is I can not share what I am seeing with anyone, to share it means some will try to change it, and we are not allowed to interfere even when it is something that touches us. And I know that the skies and those beyond know just how much I want to interfere, in fact it is a struggle to not do it, the other elders know this and I think that is why they keep finding me things to do. It is rare that I want to go against everything I know,believe in and live by and just dive in and change it. I think a part of me is dying in someway because of it. This is the hardest thing for me right now. To be silent. To do nothing. For now I know I must remain silent and wait. I was never good at waiting. I try to figure out what to think and feel and I cannot, I try to keep pieces of me together but I cannot so I must find ways to keep myself busy.
I have to wonder is it better to not know, or to know?
As I sat there drinking some blackwine my youngest son,Arkus and Hallie joined me. Hallie was telling me about Cana 's new baby girls, I do not think I have seen such excitement about her. She was full of life as she talked of them and of the kailla that she has been working with, I had to laugh as she gave a conspiratorial smile when she said how she would teach them how to torment their brothers, if anyone is good at that it is Hallie and Falon. I sometimes wonder how any of my sons survived them.
Soon a few other young ones were at my fires, and I had to wonder at this very rarely did so many invade my personal space like this, they wanted to hear various stories, somehow I had an idea who was behind this. So I sat with them and decided to give a story that would awaken their senses to know themselves, good and bad, weak or strong. And of other things that are hard for children to understand.
"You know that it is not good to be out very late in the night, don't you?" The younger ones nodded, "It is the darkness," one would say "that makes us afraid,if we do not understand it." Hallie and Arkus just listened having heard this story many times over. They would smile knowing what would be revealed.
"At one time there lived a young warrior, he was quiet,a hard worker, and a very skilled hunter. He was generous with his rewards on the hunt with everyone, giving to those in need. But, there were envious people who wished him evil. These envious ones told him that one of them had a beautiful sister that admired him and wanted to see him at a very special place. They told him they would find her if he went there and listened for her song. And while the young hunter did not trust these men, the thoughts of the beautiful young woman was strong and he had to ask himself, what can a woman do to me that can harm me?
He traveled to this meeting place, but imagine his surprise that when he got there, she was not there. He sat down and looked about, and noticed that there were four pathways of the stream that came together at this point. That was strange, he had passed here before and never seen such before, at least not that he had ever noticed. After a long wait he decided to go, but a sudden strong whirlwind suddenly swept by and blinded him with dust, at the same time he heard a beautiful song echoing around him. Singing was always a way to create many emotions, and thoughts, both good and bad, the song of the haruspex could cast spells and create magic for good and bad, the young warrior was not sure what was going on but before he could think or react, a spell had been cast over him so that he was helpless to even think.
He turned aimlessly and as he did, he saw the old haruspex, Nasatai, walking along the path towards him, carrying a bundle of herbs and other strange things, she was close to the plains and the people of the plains, she had guessed the young hunter's trouble and was chewing on one of her curing herbs, she would pause by him and she would rub her spittle on his temples . The hunter immediately recovered from the spell."
One of the children quickly spoke out, "Which herb did she use." I would only smile and not reveal it, that is a secret of the clan that cannot be revealed, I merely told her that, " it is an old rare one that is not easily found now." The children realized that I would not tell it. So they waited for the rest of the story.
" The old woman warned him of the beautiful spex that lived along the third path of the stream, she gave him a pouch with some herbs and told him how to use them. As he thanked her , he tried to quiet that thunderous beating of his pulse, it was wild and erratic, making him as if he were running. He seemed to be two people instead of one, with voices fighting inside his head, one warning him of the dangers, and the other saying here was new game to hunt. Then the song once more drew him to the third stream which was stronger, wider and deeper than all the others, its beauty was seductive and alluring. As he neared the current was so swift no one could cross it without dying,there was deep mud that could suck you down quickly near the edge and jagged rocks poked up from the watery depths that would slice and dice you if you got to close. Fear took hold of him and he wanted to turn and run back, but his hand pulled one of the herbs from the pouch and he chewed it, then rubbed his body from head to foot. He felt stronger, and as he proceeded across the stream he found that the mud did not suck him down and the current had calmed.
Once across it he would sink down on to the embankment exhausted, his new boots were wet and torn into shreds, the bead work all gone,even his clothing had been torn, how had that happened he wondered but knew the answer as he looked across the stream. Soon it would be to late and to dark to go any farther, and he listened for the song. All was quite, The plains in front of him was filled with grass and it was still, not even a slight sway was noticed, there were no birds in the sky, there was a strange, faintly ugly smell on the air, and he knew this was a sign of osts near. He walked slowly across the plains and he saw many poisonous insects and countless types of osts. His body moved straight ahead , but it was as if another's soul directed it. Consciousness returned to him sharply and he thought he had slept, but for how long? The sky was darkening as the twilight gave way to evening, he stood up and to his amazement he found he was on the far side of the plains without any memory of crossing them. He noticed not far a way a wagon and there was smoke coming from a fire outside of it and he hurried towards it racing the darkness.
No one was about the fire, and he called out, and from the wagon and old woman's voice beckoned to him to enter, he did hesitate, strange there was no one about, no outriders no one. Once inside he would sit down noticing that a part of it was closed off, and he heard strange noises in the wagon as he sat down, but that old woman was watching him so close that he did not inquire. He knew she was the one without a heart!, Danger tightened his scalp, was this the spex?
The old woman set before him a bowl of stew, he lifted it and plucked out a piece of meat, however as he pinched it between his fingers it turned into a human heart, he knew well that eating it would have changed him into an evil one. People who want the haruspex powers turn themselves into haruspex by eating human hearts. completing their initiation by consuming the heart of the person they love the most."
"No way, that cant happen," one of the boys said. I had to laugh softly and remind him this was a story, of course it was impossible to become a haruspex like that. But he was listening to the story and this is what was important. So I continued the story.
"Quickly the hunter chewed an herb and spit into the bowl and as he did this the old woman rushed to climb out of the wagon and in her panic fell and the way she fell caused her death. The hunter would then move thru the wagon and in the back he saw other evil ones going thru their rites.He noticed only a few ways out of the wagon, Rubbing and herb on his knife he scratched a circle around the opening of the wagon and also in other places he repeated this act, especially where the evil ones were. The old woman had told him this would imprison the evil ones. After it was done he began to feel safe and he found he could lay down and sleep.
As was his way, before the dawn broke he would go out and offer his prayers to the sky and gave his offerings. Then he called down to the beautiful spex thru the opening of the wagon. She begged forgiveness, but he refused to release her until after she gave him the plumes which endowed her with the evil. To be sure they are hers and not someone else's he spit herb juice on the plumes and set fire to them, If they did not burn she had lied, and she would be imprisoned forever, if they burned she would return with him, but without the evil power within her. They did catch fire and ashes fell upon the upturned faces of the other evil ones except for the young spex.
The hunter sang a short chant and with a peaceful heart he started back the way he came. The young beautiful woman followed, and as she did she was bitten by the snakes and insects, she had to cross the stream and was almost torn to pieces by the swift current and jagged rocks, In his camp among his tribe the day was ending and the people were surprised he brought back no game. Taking his stand in the center of the camp, the hunter sang out. "One who was lost in sleep, one who was lost in sleep, took me far, far away." The listeners did not understand his meaning, as they wondered on this they saw the young spex approach, still following the hunter, walking as one whose senses were not with her, and as they watched, she fainted into an eternal sleep. "
I watched them as they tried to figure out what the hunters words meant, " When we can face the darkness without fear, we can sing the hunters song. The mind will play tricks if we let it. " A few I could see the understanding begin and as they left Hallie would look to me and chuckle, "Do you know how long it took me to figure that story out?" I had to laugh because I did, she would hound and hound me for answers, but she had to figure it out on her own.
My two children sat with me for a while until they had to each go on with their own lives and duties, Arkus I know has been working hard and learning much, it was good to see him. I had no doubt he would learn well, he had a good teacher, one that had a patience for teaching his skill. I am proud of my son, he will become much. The youngest son remained with me for a while helping me with various herbs and oils. I was creating two very special ones. It was time for him to learn how. I was pleased to see how quick he picked up on things.
