Awareness began to claw at my brain, seeping into every synapse of my mind, clinging like a thick gelatous blanket. I did not want to wake up and be aware, I rather liked that bliss of being suspended, not feeling, just relaxed,without thought, without dream without emotion. To bad it wouldn't or couldn't last long.
My eyes felt heavy, it took an effort to open them, it felt like there was sand beneath my lids, just what did I consume. I tried to think but it took too much effort, it could be any number of herbs or liquid concoctions. I hated taking anything, it was not common knowledge but it was not hidden either. I rarely took anything that was altering to my mind or senses, left me without control of thought or action, simply for those reasons alone, but also because it left me with a heaviness,a fogginess in my head that took time to get rid of, that is why I never drink anything stronger than black wine. Only on a rare occasion have I had any form of wine or anything with altering effects. Even in rituals I only used things sparingly because I had no tolerance to it. Yes, when it comes to things like that, I am very much a lightweight.
Slowly I sat up and looked around, I put my hand to my head, I swear I think I will contemplate killing that old man, actually I wouldn't but a good payback is due, he knows how I hate that, and had I been thinking I would have known what he was up to. That is why he took advantage of it, this was the only time in all the turnings he has known me that he could pull a fast one on me. Even if he felt it was justified, it did not mean I had to agree or like it.
It was then I noticed Hallie, curled up nearby sleeping, I could see where tears stained her cheeks,the youngest son was sitting nearby with Arkus, both of them were quiet, yet watchful as if they were my protectors, that would be so typical of them, stepping in where they felt they needed to be, though I did not need protecting or help, I know that they want to feel needed and feel that they are the men and they need to take care of the women. They moved to sit beside me, each would hug me and I could feel the emotions they felt as each spoke of their pain and sense of loss, Garyx had been such a force in their lives, teaching, guiding, being there the way a warrior would be for his children, even the ones who were not his by blood, he considered them his because they were mine and he loved each the same. They released their hold on me yet they stayed near as if afraid I would vanish also. I assured them I was alright, even if I wasn't.
But these are not burdens one lays upon their children. I spoke with them on various things, answering their questions, there has not much been said because I am not one to sit about and speak in public of things, I have always been very private and will always be so. I am thankful for the few days of quiet to gather myself before I have to face others. I know that only a few know of what has happened. Garyx would have appreciated that,it goes with how he was.
Though soon the time will come for the drummers to speak of it and the pyre be set, I have heard of a move, in truth I only caught a part of it upon my return, I will have to find out what is going on . Not that it is up front in my mind, I can barely formulate what to do next let alone prepare things, but maybe it will keep me busy. I assured Arkus I was alright that he needed to tend to clan things first and help with the move, I gently reminded him as much as he felt he needed to do for me, first things first, see to the tribe needs, then his clan needs, then the family. I could tell he was fighting the instinct to reach out to me but I saw him take hold of his emotions and give understanding of what needed to be done, I had to smile for he made the right choice he was growing into a fine warrior, one that I am proud of. The youngest son said he would go help him, I told them both I would send word if I needed anything. Right now..
What I needed no one could give me.
As they left Hallie stirred and I lay down beside her and spoke softly to her, she grasped me in what was akin to a death grip,and cried her heart out, she adored Garyx and it pained me deeply to see her heartbreak, I knew that all of my children would take it hard, I gently stroked her hair and spoke softly to her calming her down. She fell asleep once more having worn herself out emotionally, but it was a good thing she got it out. It would help her move onward in life. As I lay there with her I began to go thru my mind what needed to be done, the order of things I was not yet sure, first I had to find out about this move, then I would figure what to do from there, now, that just meant one thing.
I had to drag my sorry carcass out of the furs and get busy. Maybe just a few more ehn I will lay here. Yes, that is a wonderful idea, bury myself under the furs for a few more ehn.
Yea, right, I am fooling myself I have had more enough sleep and I can't lay here forever, slowly I disengage myself from my daughter. Ulric told me that Falon has been busy with the wounded men, this is good it will keep her busy and not allow her to sit and worry. I move out from the wagon and I step outside and down the steps.
I would seem that a slave has prepared some fresh black wine, not sure who as most don't venture near my wagons,this is one time I will let who ever it was live, as it is much appreciated, even some stew, though I don't think I will touch it, the bread should sit well enough. I nibble a bit not really hungry, but I try to eat it as I look around to see where to begin.
