It was the steady persistent pressure that brought my awareness back. It was Ulric and he was fussing like an old mother vulo. I waited for him to finish his tirade of sputtering and bellowing, sometimes he was worse than my father.
I assured him I was fine,that something I had not expected flashed thru my mind and caught me off guard. He nodded in understanding knowing that some things I could not always share, we would walk for a short while talking, then he went off to spend some time with his mate.
I eventually found my way to the main fire, maybe some strong black wine would clear the fog that lingered in my mind. Fonce was there as I arrived seems he needed his black wine as well. I took my place by the fire, cradling the black wine, the usual mundane greetings were exchanged. Though it lead to a discussion on what seemed to be what I thought or believed, and I felt as if maybe my integrity was being questioned,I never lie, I never have, I always find a way to answer truthfully without having to tell everything. Though he had a point he could answer beyond the answer of being well, if I would afford him the same. Being well, meant I lived, breathed, moved and talked. To essentially if I can do all those things then I can honestly say I am well. But was there more of course there is, but do I share it or do I not. Some I don't because they really don't give an urts ass, I thought that he might care enough to want to know. I did not think I was that off, but I guess I am.
Sometimes I have to wonder do people really want to know the truth? Because if I tell the truth of what I feel or think then it seems to tarnish me as a Haruspex, am I not more than a Haruspex? Is that all that there is to me, what of the person behind it. Does being doubtful of what I think of one thing make me less than I am. I see that it does. I suppose maybe I should stay behind that wall that gives the illusion of being wonderful and confident, without flaw and without question of people,situations, thoughts, or things. Why I might feel or think what I do. I gave my thoughts on how I was, In truth I don't know, I see death, I taste it ,I feel it and I smell it, death is coming there is not doubt, So how can I know how I am when it rips at me and pulls at me and screams at me, I see the fight that claims warriors and I can see their faces. But is it going to happen or has it already happened I do not know. So how can I say I know how I feel, if I look I will fall to pieces and never pick them up again. Because I know one of them is one closer to me than any other, I can't tell anyone this. There is almost an over sensitivity to me that I cant get rid of, can I explain how even the whisper of the wind is like a razor sharp claw ripping across my body, sending shock and pain thru me. I can't. This lead to the reading asked of him, why wasn't I doing it since I knew what has been going on. Easy . It is his time to do so. He needs to step into that spot and see and feel. This is true. I was being honest, along with the fact that he is a man. I am a woman, end of story. This was the truth that had already been made clear the other night. There was not getting around that.
He asked if I really felt this way, at the moment yes, I did, and yet at the same time I didn't, but his words to me set ablaze a fury in me that sparked and glimmered, if I had doubt of myself then I was not viable as a Haruspex, now wait a moment just who in the hell was he to question my abilities as one, damnation I had already buried two mates had four children and killed a man for the first time, walked the realm of visions before he was even a glimmer of thought in his parents eyes, and he is going to stand there and insinuate that essentially I am useless as a spex just because I have emotions and doubts. This makes me less of one?
Could he push a blade any deeper into my heart than he did at that moment, the hurt he bestowed cut deep, and I reacted to it, when he could stand in places I have then he could speak on this, when he carried what I have then he could speak on this. But for him to stand there and tell me that I was less than a Haruspex because I had thoughts and emotions that held doubt of what I felt. That just ticked me off, I have no doubt of myself as a spex, I never have I have carried this mantle all my life without every doubting it, doubting myself in some things and people has nothing to do with being a spex, having thoughts and emotions has nothing to do with what I am, because I am still a human that is passionate about many things, I am still a woman that feels deeply and without reservations, but he sure made it clear that, I was less of one.
Damn first I am nothing because I am a woman but now I am less as a spex, well color me purple. Why not just tell me I am useless. Men, I have had it with them all. What do I need them for.
Just when I thought it couldn't get worse he said he thought he could talk to me, well, wait a moment when did he ever really talk to me on anything other than simple chit chat at the fires, and maybe once in a while he would share a few things and even then I had to pull it out of him, but not often, the only time he was even warm and friendly was when I stitched his thigh and put a smiley place there, but something changed, something I never understood or knew of no matter how I tried to figure it out, but I never stopped trying or caring. Most times he made sure to make me feel that I dare not cross a certain line, that there was an invisible wall I could not pass, Forgive him for assuming he could talk to me as a friend? Now is this just not rich, he makes me feel like he did and he apologizes for talking to me as a friend, and that he would not do it again because I taught him not to. Bosk shit, that is not what I meant nor was I teaching anything. Since when do friends not have discussions back and forth, do not friends argue, or at times have heated exchange thoughts, does one walk away because the other gets a bit upset, I did not tell him he could not speak to me as he did, I only told him when he could do what I have and currently do that he could tell me that I was not viable as a spex. That was it, nothing more, how in the hell did he think I would take him saying that, smile and say why thank you for that, I don't think so. I am tired of this blanket of sensitivity laying over me. Nothing comes out right, nothing goes right.
How dare he say that I taught him what he could say or not say to me, that is such utter bosk shit. And dare tell me if I ever want a friendship to think on what I said. That implies there was not a friendship to begin with. Well, damn, even I understand that. Guess I lost one of the few I would call a freind. Should I be like the ones that are sluts in heat, would that make me viable. Should I smile and talk shit behind his back and pretend as some do, would that make me viable, or should I mate another while I yet had my heart elsewhere, and make it known upon his return, when in truth there were others in between, or abandon him as others have simply because he was gone, maybe I shouldn't have spent all the damn time I did looking for him that I did, telling people that he was not dead, better yet, should I kneel at his feet in a collar like a heated, simpering , whimpering idiot and beg. Then would I be viable as a spex and as a person. Well, then I will remain nothing, because I am none of these things.
He has hurt me today, more than a few others have. He showed much today. I should thank him for that. And he dares to just walk away in the midst of the discussion, well don't that just beat all, guess I am not worth the effort. I returned to my wagons and sat by the fire. He will not see the tears that I shed or the hurt I feel because of this. People should never ask me what I feel or think, this has proven that no one really wants to know I should thank Fonce, those walls will remain, I almost allowed another in, I will not lower them again to allow anything I feel or think to be seen.
I will stay within my personal wagons away from people. I know what I have to prepare for. What I know will remain within me, I will be like the ground silent. Guidance and thoughts will not come from me. Because I am not equipped to do it I am tainted. Death is coming, a trap is being set, he can't fight the one that is out there alone. I know what she is, I know what she looks like, what she can do. There is a reason even the elders of the clan are uneasy. But, they will find out on their own. I had already tried more than once to make it known and it was not heard and after today, I know that I better keep silent my words don't come out as they should and who will I piss of next. Though against my better judgment I sent word to Chuluun to help him, I cant let him walk blind into something that he has not known of, he needs to really look to see the danger of the spot where the grasses point, even if I am damn annoyed with him, I also let it be known that I would be resting at my wagons for a while, they would not question it knowing just what visions I had seen, as they had been taking care of those who would need it doing what we of the clan have always done for the tribe, they knew that it had taken much out of me emotionally so this influx of emotion would be assumed to be that, I would not say otherwise.
Yes, I am just bloody damn doing well.
No, I am lying for the first time... Truth is.. I am falling apart, I hurt and I am angry. And I don't really care, well. maybe just a little. Who am I kidding. That is not exactly a complete truth.
I assured him I was fine,that something I had not expected flashed thru my mind and caught me off guard. He nodded in understanding knowing that some things I could not always share, we would walk for a short while talking, then he went off to spend some time with his mate.
I eventually found my way to the main fire, maybe some strong black wine would clear the fog that lingered in my mind. Fonce was there as I arrived seems he needed his black wine as well. I took my place by the fire, cradling the black wine, the usual mundane greetings were exchanged. Though it lead to a discussion on what seemed to be what I thought or believed, and I felt as if maybe my integrity was being questioned,I never lie, I never have, I always find a way to answer truthfully without having to tell everything. Though he had a point he could answer beyond the answer of being well, if I would afford him the same. Being well, meant I lived, breathed, moved and talked. To essentially if I can do all those things then I can honestly say I am well. But was there more of course there is, but do I share it or do I not. Some I don't because they really don't give an urts ass, I thought that he might care enough to want to know. I did not think I was that off, but I guess I am.
Sometimes I have to wonder do people really want to know the truth? Because if I tell the truth of what I feel or think then it seems to tarnish me as a Haruspex, am I not more than a Haruspex? Is that all that there is to me, what of the person behind it. Does being doubtful of what I think of one thing make me less than I am. I see that it does. I suppose maybe I should stay behind that wall that gives the illusion of being wonderful and confident, without flaw and without question of people,situations, thoughts, or things. Why I might feel or think what I do. I gave my thoughts on how I was, In truth I don't know, I see death, I taste it ,I feel it and I smell it, death is coming there is not doubt, So how can I know how I am when it rips at me and pulls at me and screams at me, I see the fight that claims warriors and I can see their faces. But is it going to happen or has it already happened I do not know. So how can I say I know how I feel, if I look I will fall to pieces and never pick them up again. Because I know one of them is one closer to me than any other, I can't tell anyone this. There is almost an over sensitivity to me that I cant get rid of, can I explain how even the whisper of the wind is like a razor sharp claw ripping across my body, sending shock and pain thru me. I can't. This lead to the reading asked of him, why wasn't I doing it since I knew what has been going on. Easy . It is his time to do so. He needs to step into that spot and see and feel. This is true. I was being honest, along with the fact that he is a man. I am a woman, end of story. This was the truth that had already been made clear the other night. There was not getting around that.
He asked if I really felt this way, at the moment yes, I did, and yet at the same time I didn't, but his words to me set ablaze a fury in me that sparked and glimmered, if I had doubt of myself then I was not viable as a Haruspex, now wait a moment just who in the hell was he to question my abilities as one, damnation I had already buried two mates had four children and killed a man for the first time, walked the realm of visions before he was even a glimmer of thought in his parents eyes, and he is going to stand there and insinuate that essentially I am useless as a spex just because I have emotions and doubts. This makes me less of one?
Could he push a blade any deeper into my heart than he did at that moment, the hurt he bestowed cut deep, and I reacted to it, when he could stand in places I have then he could speak on this, when he carried what I have then he could speak on this. But for him to stand there and tell me that I was less than a Haruspex because I had thoughts and emotions that held doubt of what I felt. That just ticked me off, I have no doubt of myself as a spex, I never have I have carried this mantle all my life without every doubting it, doubting myself in some things and people has nothing to do with being a spex, having thoughts and emotions has nothing to do with what I am, because I am still a human that is passionate about many things, I am still a woman that feels deeply and without reservations, but he sure made it clear that, I was less of one.
Damn first I am nothing because I am a woman but now I am less as a spex, well color me purple. Why not just tell me I am useless. Men, I have had it with them all. What do I need them for.
Just when I thought it couldn't get worse he said he thought he could talk to me, well, wait a moment when did he ever really talk to me on anything other than simple chit chat at the fires, and maybe once in a while he would share a few things and even then I had to pull it out of him, but not often, the only time he was even warm and friendly was when I stitched his thigh and put a smiley place there, but something changed, something I never understood or knew of no matter how I tried to figure it out, but I never stopped trying or caring. Most times he made sure to make me feel that I dare not cross a certain line, that there was an invisible wall I could not pass, Forgive him for assuming he could talk to me as a friend? Now is this just not rich, he makes me feel like he did and he apologizes for talking to me as a friend, and that he would not do it again because I taught him not to. Bosk shit, that is not what I meant nor was I teaching anything. Since when do friends not have discussions back and forth, do not friends argue, or at times have heated exchange thoughts, does one walk away because the other gets a bit upset, I did not tell him he could not speak to me as he did, I only told him when he could do what I have and currently do that he could tell me that I was not viable as a spex. That was it, nothing more, how in the hell did he think I would take him saying that, smile and say why thank you for that, I don't think so. I am tired of this blanket of sensitivity laying over me. Nothing comes out right, nothing goes right.
How dare he say that I taught him what he could say or not say to me, that is such utter bosk shit. And dare tell me if I ever want a friendship to think on what I said. That implies there was not a friendship to begin with. Well, damn, even I understand that. Guess I lost one of the few I would call a freind. Should I be like the ones that are sluts in heat, would that make me viable. Should I smile and talk shit behind his back and pretend as some do, would that make me viable, or should I mate another while I yet had my heart elsewhere, and make it known upon his return, when in truth there were others in between, or abandon him as others have simply because he was gone, maybe I shouldn't have spent all the damn time I did looking for him that I did, telling people that he was not dead, better yet, should I kneel at his feet in a collar like a heated, simpering , whimpering idiot and beg. Then would I be viable as a spex and as a person. Well, then I will remain nothing, because I am none of these things.
He has hurt me today, more than a few others have. He showed much today. I should thank him for that. And he dares to just walk away in the midst of the discussion, well don't that just beat all, guess I am not worth the effort. I returned to my wagons and sat by the fire. He will not see the tears that I shed or the hurt I feel because of this. People should never ask me what I feel or think, this has proven that no one really wants to know I should thank Fonce, those walls will remain, I almost allowed another in, I will not lower them again to allow anything I feel or think to be seen.
I will stay within my personal wagons away from people. I know what I have to prepare for. What I know will remain within me, I will be like the ground silent. Guidance and thoughts will not come from me. Because I am not equipped to do it I am tainted. Death is coming, a trap is being set, he can't fight the one that is out there alone. I know what she is, I know what she looks like, what she can do. There is a reason even the elders of the clan are uneasy. But, they will find out on their own. I had already tried more than once to make it known and it was not heard and after today, I know that I better keep silent my words don't come out as they should and who will I piss of next. Though against my better judgment I sent word to Chuluun to help him, I cant let him walk blind into something that he has not known of, he needs to really look to see the danger of the spot where the grasses point, even if I am damn annoyed with him, I also let it be known that I would be resting at my wagons for a while, they would not question it knowing just what visions I had seen, as they had been taking care of those who would need it doing what we of the clan have always done for the tribe, they knew that it had taken much out of me emotionally so this influx of emotion would be assumed to be that, I would not say otherwise.
Yes, I am just bloody damn doing well.
No, I am lying for the first time... Truth is.. I am falling apart, I hurt and I am angry. And I don't really care, well. maybe just a little. Who am I kidding. That is not exactly a complete truth.
