Isolation.. but only for a moment

There is a weight upon my heart, my soul and my spirit. I have pushed the spex side of myself back into the recesses of myself, I know how to block it and shield it. I have stayed at my wagons, not talking to a living breathing soul. I have seen enough the past hand to know what I see. I have contemplated going to visit my sister and brother deep in the jungles, I have contemplated going to see other various people I consider friends. But, in truth,these are but random thoughts as I struggle with the storm within me. I don't have the desire to go, that means leaving the plains, something I have no desire to do. Something keeps me here, but for the life of me I am not sure what. Its like being stuck in the middle of the sinking sands with nothing to grab onto in order to get out of the suffocating mass.

I do not lack for things to do, with Garyx gone for so long there was plenty to take care of. As I looked at my circle of wagons I take note of what is needed to do. I have arranged for one of the leather workers to help me repair the one wagon. Arkus has been hunting when not working with his clan, he brings meat and any thing else I might need. In truth do I need much. I have not ventured to the clan or inside my own personal spex wagon. No, I will no longer walk that path. I got the message, not a problem this is one time I will do and say nothing. I find resentment and anger dwelling where there was once compassion and understanding, I find a coldness seeping thru me where there was once warmth. With the way I feel I might destroy something with the elements that are at my command.

I could say that I was dying but that would be wrong, I have already walked that path a time or to, and it is easier than living. But perhaps in a sense a part of me has been killed, leaving just a shell to take up space. There is a blistering inferno walled up inside, but it is kept controlled. I am used to disappointment and loss I have lived with them all my life, so why is now different. Because this time I cared enough to feel these things. I will not fall apart, I will grasp these things within with the iron grip that I once had, I will squash it and destroy it, and toss it behind a steel wall of ice to let it decay and fester into nothing.

I will do this.. wont I?

I have seen within the waters and fires those that have been claimed, father will be returning with lifeless bodies. I know who has done this. They think it the kassar's, the kassar's are only a decoy for something else. It isn't felt or seen, at least not until it is too late, even the clan can barely feel it, there is a faint ripple that can't yet be discerned, although Chuluun knows, and being the oldest of the oldest he is very concerned but, does nothing yet, he waits to see. But it is not my concern now.


I hear Garyx in my mind rendering his logic and speaking to me as he does in order to reach me, this time it is not working, I am to deep even for him to reach. I know that his strength is fading so I block that from him as I search in my mind for where he is, it breaks my heart what I see, I do not think I can survive this. I know I can't. I have hidden the fact that I would have to want to step out of that dismal, cold, putrid place. And I don't. Its safer where I reside now. Its less painful, less disappointing. We do know how to live with duality, it is as natural as breathing.

I have traded with a few to help me make a travois. It is the only time Mist Runner has allowed for anything to be attached to him. I have prepared various things to take with me, just in case, in the slim hope that maybe. But I know I can't but that doesn't mean I cant try or hope. I feel him still fighting, it is as if I can touch the arrows that darken their sky.

Before I can go. Word is brought to me from Teng that Aponi is in labor and needs help. Well, maybe I am not that far gone yet. Had I been I would have just walked away and told them to go find a healer. But I
didn't, I went without hesitation grabbing a bag I always keep ready for the just in case moments. I quickly made my way to the bathing wagon. Reminding myself to keep it together, no one can see anything. And so it is that the mask falls into place. Nothing out of the ordinary is seen.

I had to pause a moment, had I heard right, she is labor in the bathing wagon. Sure enough I heard her. Now this would be a first. I don't ever recall delivering a baby in water. Now I did have to think on this for a moment as I made my way up the steps inside the wagon.

Oh yea. Definitely a water birth. She is to far gone to be moved... So, here we go. . . .