It seemed the further I rode from camp the colder I felt, almost as if I was dying, swallowed by the darker part of me that resides in the deepest depths of my being, I could feel it rising slowly, hort by hort, clawing its way to the surface, ripping and tearing away at the inner parts of me. I tried to push it down but the harder I tried the more it seemed to surge forward trying to reach its goal. The rain was steady and strangely gentle, but it would seep into my flesh and bones to bring forth a chill that I do not think I would ever warm from. The mists seemed to lift and rise as if a living breathing entity shrouding everything within its cadaverous grasp.
Beneath the hazy over cast gaze of the sky I found Garyx, he was laying so still on the ground, had it not been for the labored breathing I would have thought him already gone from me. I quickly dismounted and moved to his side, I could hear my heart thunder so loud in my chest that I was sure it could be heard over the entire plains, I was robbed of my breath as I saw the number of wounds that decorated his body, I already knew there was no way to save him. But I would try anyway. However, Garyx stilled my hands we both knew it was futile, he would shake his head in that familiar slight movement that I knew so well. I moved to sit beside him my hand curled around his as I looked to him, his eyes still that vibrant shade of green that was unique and different, I have always enjoyed looking into them, I saw so much and even now I saw much. We could have wasted time on the whys and what ifs, but that is not how we are. We would often laugh about how many could not understand how he tolerated me, it would cause him vast amusement, because it made no sense to him, but he knew how to talk to me not above me or at me, he knew how to listen, truly listen not just hear but to listen to what was said and not said, I am not so hard to understand or know, but it seems to most I am. Even now he says much by not saying a word, just the look in his eyes, in all my days which are quite numerous I have not seen what I see in his eyes in any other. To know I will never again look into them breaks my heart into a million pieces.
After a few moments we would speak of what was in our hearts and what we felt. Something that we have always done, a day never went by that we did not let each other know how deep the love was we felt for each other or that we were thinking of each other. It was our way of knowing that if anything happened to one of us, the other would know how deeply they were loved. We would not have the regrets of saying if only I had said or done . We do not have them now. We have shared a life together that made us a part of the other, we knew where the other was or what the other thought without even a word being spoken. He knew when something bothered me or angered me, he knew when to push and when to give me room to vent it. A rare gift in a man.
He knows me well,he has made me promise to take care of myself and not let myself drown in emotions that will rob me of spirit and health. Well I wasn't sure I could promise this, I remember what happened when Lochley died, but then I had Falon, Tanzia and Lochlan to look after they were only five turnings, so I was needed. They are all grown or dead, so that is no longer an anchor for me. And my bond to Garyx is much deeper and stronger, which makes this even more difficult. I did promise him , I could see relief in his eyes. He knew if I promised that I would keep it as I never make promises unless I will keep it. I felt his hand on my cheek as we talked, he would wipe the tears away and give that rare smile that he reserved just for me, his words of love made it harder to keep them at bay, I would smile and speak my heart to him, he told me of the things he wanted me to do. I would do as he asked. He also gave me the name he would like for his son. I promised him that the naming of our son would be done with the ceremony and tradition of the Tuchuk. I could see the pride in his eyes as our son has grown into a fine young man.
I held him close as I heard him draw in his last breaths, I would hold him for sometime before I could let go. When I did, I lay my head on his chest, I wasn't ready to let go, the scent of his blood filled my nostrils, I could feel the warmth of it along my skin. It seemed like an eternity, he now had peace no pain and no difficulty breathing, his spirit was free. And I knew this and celebrated it, but it is a double edged sword,for me there is just an emptiness, a loss of the things we planned and looked forward to. I knew someone was near, slowly I would draw in a breath and wipe away the tears, the streaks of blood would adorn my cheeks. I managed to reign in all the emotions and thoughts, tapping into that inner well of strength, however, no matter how hard I tried I could not stop the tears.
When I looked around it was Ba'atar there to my surprise, though in a way I was grateful because I was not entirely sure how I was going to get Garyx home. And it was good to have a friend there, I would not have to do this alone. That in itself meant a lot to me. I told him that we should take him home, and he took over by getting Garyx to the kaiila, I nearly lost it but I struggled to keep my composure, his words meant a lot to me whether he realizes it or not, I looked to him as he said. "Its pride for an Ubar to carry a man who carried my tribe with me. A good man." Garyx I know would have been honored by it, though he would accept it in his usual, quiet manner. He spoke of how proud I should be as he envied a man who would give his last breath for the tribe. There is little doubt of the pride I have always felt for Garyx, he was a great man, warrior, protector, provider, friend, confidante, lover and so many other things I could say. I am proud of him. Even if it hurts like hell.
We began the walk back towards the camp, he wanted to talk, now I had to wonder of this at first, I sure wasn't really up to talking. So I had to ask, why did he want to talk, I could not help it, I had to know. His answer was no surprise yet it was, it was too quiet. Then it made sense, not only would the talking keep my mind focused on something no matter how trivial or serious, he was worried about me. I told him he did not have to worry.
I would survive this. What I did not say was, I was not sure I could go on. I was not sure I really truly could. At least not in the sense many would expect, what few realize even stones crack and crumble. Most only see the public persona, and even fewer bother to really get to know me. Only one person truly really knew me in all aspects, all flaws,every nuance, all my secrets and all my thoughts. Mentally, emotionally and physically.
And he is gone.
Beneath the hazy over cast gaze of the sky I found Garyx, he was laying so still on the ground, had it not been for the labored breathing I would have thought him already gone from me. I quickly dismounted and moved to his side, I could hear my heart thunder so loud in my chest that I was sure it could be heard over the entire plains, I was robbed of my breath as I saw the number of wounds that decorated his body, I already knew there was no way to save him. But I would try anyway. However, Garyx stilled my hands we both knew it was futile, he would shake his head in that familiar slight movement that I knew so well. I moved to sit beside him my hand curled around his as I looked to him, his eyes still that vibrant shade of green that was unique and different, I have always enjoyed looking into them, I saw so much and even now I saw much. We could have wasted time on the whys and what ifs, but that is not how we are. We would often laugh about how many could not understand how he tolerated me, it would cause him vast amusement, because it made no sense to him, but he knew how to talk to me not above me or at me, he knew how to listen, truly listen not just hear but to listen to what was said and not said, I am not so hard to understand or know, but it seems to most I am. Even now he says much by not saying a word, just the look in his eyes, in all my days which are quite numerous I have not seen what I see in his eyes in any other. To know I will never again look into them breaks my heart into a million pieces.
After a few moments we would speak of what was in our hearts and what we felt. Something that we have always done, a day never went by that we did not let each other know how deep the love was we felt for each other or that we were thinking of each other. It was our way of knowing that if anything happened to one of us, the other would know how deeply they were loved. We would not have the regrets of saying if only I had said or done . We do not have them now. We have shared a life together that made us a part of the other, we knew where the other was or what the other thought without even a word being spoken. He knew when something bothered me or angered me, he knew when to push and when to give me room to vent it. A rare gift in a man.
He knows me well,he has made me promise to take care of myself and not let myself drown in emotions that will rob me of spirit and health. Well I wasn't sure I could promise this, I remember what happened when Lochley died, but then I had Falon, Tanzia and Lochlan to look after they were only five turnings, so I was needed. They are all grown or dead, so that is no longer an anchor for me. And my bond to Garyx is much deeper and stronger, which makes this even more difficult. I did promise him , I could see relief in his eyes. He knew if I promised that I would keep it as I never make promises unless I will keep it. I felt his hand on my cheek as we talked, he would wipe the tears away and give that rare smile that he reserved just for me, his words of love made it harder to keep them at bay, I would smile and speak my heart to him, he told me of the things he wanted me to do. I would do as he asked. He also gave me the name he would like for his son. I promised him that the naming of our son would be done with the ceremony and tradition of the Tuchuk. I could see the pride in his eyes as our son has grown into a fine young man.
I held him close as I heard him draw in his last breaths, I would hold him for sometime before I could let go. When I did, I lay my head on his chest, I wasn't ready to let go, the scent of his blood filled my nostrils, I could feel the warmth of it along my skin. It seemed like an eternity, he now had peace no pain and no difficulty breathing, his spirit was free. And I knew this and celebrated it, but it is a double edged sword,for me there is just an emptiness, a loss of the things we planned and looked forward to. I knew someone was near, slowly I would draw in a breath and wipe away the tears, the streaks of blood would adorn my cheeks. I managed to reign in all the emotions and thoughts, tapping into that inner well of strength, however, no matter how hard I tried I could not stop the tears.
When I looked around it was Ba'atar there to my surprise, though in a way I was grateful because I was not entirely sure how I was going to get Garyx home. And it was good to have a friend there, I would not have to do this alone. That in itself meant a lot to me. I told him that we should take him home, and he took over by getting Garyx to the kaiila, I nearly lost it but I struggled to keep my composure, his words meant a lot to me whether he realizes it or not, I looked to him as he said. "Its pride for an Ubar to carry a man who carried my tribe with me. A good man." Garyx I know would have been honored by it, though he would accept it in his usual, quiet manner. He spoke of how proud I should be as he envied a man who would give his last breath for the tribe. There is little doubt of the pride I have always felt for Garyx, he was a great man, warrior, protector, provider, friend, confidante, lover and so many other things I could say. I am proud of him. Even if it hurts like hell.
We began the walk back towards the camp, he wanted to talk, now I had to wonder of this at first, I sure wasn't really up to talking. So I had to ask, why did he want to talk, I could not help it, I had to know. His answer was no surprise yet it was, it was too quiet. Then it made sense, not only would the talking keep my mind focused on something no matter how trivial or serious, he was worried about me. I told him he did not have to worry.
I would survive this. What I did not say was, I was not sure I could go on. I was not sure I really truly could. At least not in the sense many would expect, what few realize even stones crack and crumble. Most only see the public persona, and even fewer bother to really get to know me. Only one person truly really knew me in all aspects, all flaws,every nuance, all my secrets and all my thoughts. Mentally, emotionally and physically.
And he is gone.
