I had gone to the stream as had become my routine I go when it is quiet and no one is there, I sit upon one particular rock and just listen to the water, and I let my mind wander to many things. It is safe here, only the faint whisper of the grasses as they sway in the breeze, only the occasional song of a bird as it calls to its own, and only the rushing of the water as it flows along its winding path. It calms me, and lets me get a hold of various thoughts.
The quiet was interrupted by the distinct sound of Ba'atars footsteps nearing the stream, I know his step just as I know the steps of those I am around all the time. He sat and talked with me a short while, I think he was checking to make sure I still lived and breathed. His friendship is treasured and valued, he asked a question and I answered, he listened to a few of my thoughts. There are things I do not think we will agree to see eye to eye on, but then when does anyone ever agree on anything all of the time, it was appreciated the time he took to just sit and talk, not of anything urgent or important just simple talk between friends, though still I would like to smack that arrogance out of him at times and said as much, I was honest in a few things I felt about various situations. He gave his point of view, I can agree with some aspects, but others I don't and I am alright with that. He is a man and sees things one way, I am a woman and I see things in a different way, that does not mean that he is right and I am wrong, or that he is wrong and I am right. It merely is two different angles on the same concept. And with such you can sometimes come to seeing things in a different light. Though there are some things I wisely kept my mouth shut on.
At least I laughed tonight, I am thinking that is a good sign.
I thought I might go to the main fires and see if Cana or anyone else was about the fires. She was, as I could hear her flute music gliding along the wings of the winds, as always what she plays is beautiful. I decided to find something to drink not really in the mood to eat anything, I have yet to really regain my appetite, though I do pick so that Chulun does not smack my head off my shoulders. He watches me like a herlit ready to pounce upon its prey.
Cana was not alone, Fonce was there also, now, from him I expected cool politeness given what he said the last time I saw him. I was not disappointed. There is definitely a change,one that makes him unapproachable,at least in regards to me, if this is the path he wishes to follow then so be it. Seeing what I have, I will be retiring from the clan, I will send the ones I have been teaching to him for guidance he can handle it all ,do it all and have it all. The only reason the greeting was offered at all is because I am tribe. Nothing more, nothing less. I did not expect warmth or a smile or even for him to inquire as to how I was doing or if I needed anything that would require an element of caring and I know it is not there so at least he did not offer something not felt. That is better than pretending. Though a part of me had in some small part hoped otherwise. Sometimes I just never learn to give up, though I think I am learning it now.
Though getting such from Cana that I did not expect, it was as if I was some stranger or person with the bazi plague, at least that is how I felt. Though I am sure it was not intended that way. I did not linger long as I walked into a discussion that did not leave room for a third wheel. And I felt rather out of place,so I left as quietly as I had arrived.
Once at my own wagons, I cradled the bowl of black wine and was tempted to toss it aside, but that would be wasting and I wasn't about to do that. After a few ehn of calming my thoughts. It occurred to me I am not ready to be around people, clearly my emotions are too sensitive and fragile. I had merely walked in on a discussion between two people that are friends and share an easy going way of talking to each other. Cana has been a daughter,sister and friend to me for too long for her to have intentionally done such. We have been thru much together and shared much, so it has to be just me feeling to raw and ill at ease. At least that is what I hope. She is one of the few I treasure, it would kill me to lose her to.
I felt myself curse as I wiped away the tears that fell, damn emotions, damn people and damn situations and damn me for feeling this way.
I need to find my way back to that empty, hollow place that has no emotion. But for some reason I cant seem to find it. Maybe I need new eyes.
I could go and kill a slave and find a pair of blue eyes, or green, or brown.. So many choices.
Tomorrow is another day
