Each day draws us closer to the southern camp but yet in some ways it feels like it is further away than usual. We have been delayed by a bosk right in the middle of the trail, unusual and it has lead to much speculation as to why, my thought is, there is a reason we are not yet supposed to trek across the plains, the sky has us in a holding pattern so to speak, it could be if we reached a certain point in a certain time then something may have happened that would be detrimental, or it could be that there is a reason we are to rest here, there are so many reasons but this is the strongest one I feel out of many that float about, the bosk will move in his time and when it is the right time for us to continue on, it has given me time to work on many things.
Arkus rode up to check on me a few times, I am not sure why, he just had this thoughtful look to him at times it is was almost inquisitive, he would stare into my eyes as if searching for an answer and then would only ask if I was alright. I had to wonder what was under his skin, sometimes he can be as still as a deep tranquil lake, and other times as open as the vastness of the skies, something was on his mind, but what I was not sure for he was not revealing it, in that I would have to admit he got from not only his father but also me, and my tendency to keep much of myself hidden from public view,I assured him I was alright, there was nothing I had need of in a material sense not that such was important to me any way, and I had already sent to Ba'atar and Cana any extra water and food that I had as well as making sure the elders had extra hides and food as well. I knew that what we sent over for use by the tribe would be distributed to those in the most need, he gave me strange look as if he wanted to say something but he changed his mind. There is that part of him that is like how Shi is, he stands behind a wall of silence and yet you can clearly see there is something swirling and twirling about, I had hoped he would not develop such, but it appears he has, I get the feeling he is concerned about me or he has a thought on something regarding me, I cannot be sure for there is to much flowing beneath the surface to define it, I am sure he will speak of it or at the very least he will reveal things to his mentor,I think that men like women tend to relate to each other better.Then out of the blue he asked a question I had not expected, "Mother are you sure you are alright?" He almost sounded a bit over protective, now is that not a switch, I thought I was the parent, but children have a way of trying to switch roles, especially men, he reminded me in that moment of Loch and it was odd to me that I did not realize it sooner, that history was repeating itself, I have never had history repeat itself like this, I have had similar thing occur in regards to men and relationships until I wised up to a few thing, but this, this was different. Lochlan was only seven turnings when his father Lochley died, he was determined to be the man, the one to take care of me and his sisters. And my youngest son is the same age going thru the same thing, and here I am again, alone raising a young warrior. I am not sure what meaning this had if any. But it was more than coincidence, because I do not believe in coincidence, everything happens as it should and when it should. But it is a strange thing to experience that haunting deja vu feeling and feel as if I am reliving my past again. And now I see that same look in Arkus's eyes, although he is considerably older and beginning his own life, there is no need for him to feel he has to take care of me, I am no burden I never have been and I sure won't start now. "Mother have you always been so strong, I have seen others break under less." he sounded as if he had seen so much, and while he had seen things, there is much he does not yet know, I sometimes think that I on some level he expected me to be broken like some are, withdrawn and unable to keep coherent thought, I could see his concern about this journey to the southern camp, because of the life changing events that have touched us all, I do not think he realizes that I have survived many life altering situations, some far worse than this last one though none have been quite as painful and in truth it has almost broken me but I refuse to crawl into the abyss and cower like some sniveling coward.
Though some days did I want to, oh defiantly, I wanted to curl up in a fetal position and give into those emotions, I wanted someone to hold me while my world shattered, but reality is, there is no one to do that and there never has been, I cant break, I cant just give up and into these things, it isn't in me to do so,I have to live, I am a tuchuk woman, life is precious, I have helped give life, I have given life, I have helped to take life and have taken life from others. My cracks and breaks are hidden under the guise of living. I took in a breath and watched him, " Life makes us strong, we find out how strong we truly are when we have no choice but to be strong." I would answer honestly. I could see him digest that and think up on it. "Do you even know how to give up and indulge in hysteria and tears?" he asked in an amused tone. This to was a surprise coming from him, I was not sure what was driving it, but I always answered things honestly when asked, "No," I would state simply, "To give up is to let go of all that is important in life, and life is to precious to waste." He would stroke his chin, that was a new trait I had not seen in him before, he was silent for a few, also a new trait I had not seen but there was also an inner strength, confidence and so much more beginning to emerge from within him. Although I sometimes I almost get the impression that he and my other children wished I were less independent and weaker of mind and spirit, I think they want to feel that they are needed that they can do something for me, and while I will always need them for they are of my flesh and of my blood. " I have never been prone to hysterics, perhaps I am how I am because your grandfather raised me, and he did not allow for me to be some weak, clingy, coddled woman, he also made sure I knew how to use my mind, though because I am a woman it is often overlooked." There are time when what someone says hurts me deeply but they take it as being an emotional woman, if they really looked and listened they would see that what I get upset about is usually something I take deeply personal when it comes to respect, even women have honor and courage. I get upset when someone thinks that I am lacking intelligence and the ability to understand things that only warriors know, well this is not true, would they not be surprised at the things I do know, I could see the flicker of thought in his eyes, he knew not to even pull the I am man you are woman routine because he knows full well no matter how old or young my children are they find out damn quick I am the mother, and it does not matter if they are male or female, or that they are bigger than me they find themselves quickly brought down, as a mother I demand a certain amount of respect I do not every tolerate less, and I knew he realized it, sometimes words were not needed. He would then nod and begin to ride towards the other outriders, then he stopped and turned around and gave one of those rare smiles that he gives, and if the young women saw that they would melt, skies help me when he starts to take a serious interest in one that will be a mate to him, if he gives that smile they will be lining up at the wagons. "Garyx was right." I lifted a brow, "About?" I would inquire, "That when a person really looks into your eyes they can get lost in them and see the true you within them, there is much that you give to people. I never understood what he meant until now. I see now why he was proud to have you as his woman. And why I am proud and honored to have you as my mother" Then with that he was gone, though his words left me momentarily speechless, I had not expected it, but it was nice to hear that from him then I would smile, for in his way he complimented me not as his mother but as a woman of the tribe, I think he begins to learn that there is always more than what is readily seen if you but open your eyes, I think he is learning much and one day will grow into a great warrior. He was growing into his own with an assurance that surprised even me, perhaps I did something right with him and his sister, though Hallie, skies help me that is my wild child.
Father merely laughs, and only says now I know how it feels. I do seem to recall a few of those races and other antics that ended up with me being on the receiving end of my fathers temper. The man does know how to use a whip quite well, I try not to think of it, but even now, the kiss of it upon my flesh, well it lingers reminding me of things that I should not ever do. Father was harder on me than he was the others, he has said it is because I was the most like him. But as a teenager well we tend to test those boundaries and we often find out very quickly just how far we can go or in most cases how far we cannot go. " Hallena" was whispered gently in my mind, I had to frown as very few even called me by that name because only a handful knew it was my true name, there are a precious few that know how it is I became called Tarra, or that it is not my true name. Only the elders of the clan call me by it, however I recognized the vibration of the intonment of the words, the urgency in them, I would quickly move along the wagons towards where Bolomormaa's was, when I neared I found Chulun standing out side her wagon, "What is wrong?" I would ask, he had a weariness to him that is not often seen and I touched his arm, when he looked at me I saw the pain in his eyes, if there was any doubt that he had feelings for Bolomormaa there was none now, there was no way he could deny it, and for once he did not even try to.
He explained to me that she had complained of being tired, she had nearly passed out as they walked along the trail, he found out she had been giving her water to others and her food, and not eating enough herself, when she fell the rough end of a rock gouged her leg and now she had a fever, the healers had cleaned it and bandaged it, I thought to this for a moment, there could have been anything on that rock from just simple dirt to bosk dung. I went to my wagon and delved into the deepest recesses of it and found what I needed, a Haruspex have a knowledge of herbs that goes beyond what even the healers know, I have somewhere hidden away, a poultice of some rare herbs, I only ever use it when nothing else will work, now would something else help Bolomormaa, more than likely yes. But I saw that look in Chulun's eyes, he is an elder, he is a mentor, he is a friend, and he is like a grandfather to me, he has taught me much over time even when I was but a young child learning to take my first steps of life, I want to take away that look if I can, he deserves to find happiness, and like the rest of us, you do not realize you care for someone or want them in your life until something has happened, even if we have firmly rooted in it that was are better off alone. Are we really ? Sometimes I would say yes,but yet at the same time if I am completely honest. Then no we are not. Life is meant to be shared with another.All the good and all the bad. My fingers wrapped around the jar in a firm grasp and I rushed back to Bolomormaa's wagon, I would do all I could to help her, I would pause and look to Chulun my eyes searched his and I nodded, I knew what needed to be done. He took a step as if meaning to dissuade me, but with the stubborn determined set to my jaw, he knew that I was going to dig my heels in and not budge one little hort. Being one of the few empathic's of the clan I knew what I could do, each of us has a few things we are exceptional at, and all of us have a few things we are all able to do, separately and together, that is what makes each of us unique. We are the same and yet we are all different, it is a complex and yet simple thing, much like the strands of a spiders web each unique and brilliant in its life, but woven with others it is a beautiful awe inspiring artistic tapestry.
I knew what the consequence of what I was going to do would be, I have only done this for three others, now there would be one more. Bolomormaa would now feel what Garyx, Cana and Ba'atar have felt, I might even have enough energy left over to give her one my signature stitches and leave her with a permanent smiley face like a few others have adorned upon them. Actually there is only one living person now that has one. I sat beside her and would set to work, I knew that I would be here for over a day. And after that I would need to rest for at least half of the day. All things and people would have to wait.
Arkus rode up to check on me a few times, I am not sure why, he just had this thoughtful look to him at times it is was almost inquisitive, he would stare into my eyes as if searching for an answer and then would only ask if I was alright. I had to wonder what was under his skin, sometimes he can be as still as a deep tranquil lake, and other times as open as the vastness of the skies, something was on his mind, but what I was not sure for he was not revealing it, in that I would have to admit he got from not only his father but also me, and my tendency to keep much of myself hidden from public view,I assured him I was alright, there was nothing I had need of in a material sense not that such was important to me any way, and I had already sent to Ba'atar and Cana any extra water and food that I had as well as making sure the elders had extra hides and food as well. I knew that what we sent over for use by the tribe would be distributed to those in the most need, he gave me strange look as if he wanted to say something but he changed his mind. There is that part of him that is like how Shi is, he stands behind a wall of silence and yet you can clearly see there is something swirling and twirling about, I had hoped he would not develop such, but it appears he has, I get the feeling he is concerned about me or he has a thought on something regarding me, I cannot be sure for there is to much flowing beneath the surface to define it, I am sure he will speak of it or at the very least he will reveal things to his mentor,I think that men like women tend to relate to each other better.Then out of the blue he asked a question I had not expected, "Mother are you sure you are alright?" He almost sounded a bit over protective, now is that not a switch, I thought I was the parent, but children have a way of trying to switch roles, especially men, he reminded me in that moment of Loch and it was odd to me that I did not realize it sooner, that history was repeating itself, I have never had history repeat itself like this, I have had similar thing occur in regards to men and relationships until I wised up to a few thing, but this, this was different. Lochlan was only seven turnings when his father Lochley died, he was determined to be the man, the one to take care of me and his sisters. And my youngest son is the same age going thru the same thing, and here I am again, alone raising a young warrior. I am not sure what meaning this had if any. But it was more than coincidence, because I do not believe in coincidence, everything happens as it should and when it should. But it is a strange thing to experience that haunting deja vu feeling and feel as if I am reliving my past again. And now I see that same look in Arkus's eyes, although he is considerably older and beginning his own life, there is no need for him to feel he has to take care of me, I am no burden I never have been and I sure won't start now. "Mother have you always been so strong, I have seen others break under less." he sounded as if he had seen so much, and while he had seen things, there is much he does not yet know, I sometimes think that I on some level he expected me to be broken like some are, withdrawn and unable to keep coherent thought, I could see his concern about this journey to the southern camp, because of the life changing events that have touched us all, I do not think he realizes that I have survived many life altering situations, some far worse than this last one though none have been quite as painful and in truth it has almost broken me but I refuse to crawl into the abyss and cower like some sniveling coward.
Though some days did I want to, oh defiantly, I wanted to curl up in a fetal position and give into those emotions, I wanted someone to hold me while my world shattered, but reality is, there is no one to do that and there never has been, I cant break, I cant just give up and into these things, it isn't in me to do so,I have to live, I am a tuchuk woman, life is precious, I have helped give life, I have given life, I have helped to take life and have taken life from others. My cracks and breaks are hidden under the guise of living. I took in a breath and watched him, " Life makes us strong, we find out how strong we truly are when we have no choice but to be strong." I would answer honestly. I could see him digest that and think up on it. "Do you even know how to give up and indulge in hysteria and tears?" he asked in an amused tone. This to was a surprise coming from him, I was not sure what was driving it, but I always answered things honestly when asked, "No," I would state simply, "To give up is to let go of all that is important in life, and life is to precious to waste." He would stroke his chin, that was a new trait I had not seen in him before, he was silent for a few, also a new trait I had not seen but there was also an inner strength, confidence and so much more beginning to emerge from within him. Although I sometimes I almost get the impression that he and my other children wished I were less independent and weaker of mind and spirit, I think they want to feel that they are needed that they can do something for me, and while I will always need them for they are of my flesh and of my blood. " I have never been prone to hysterics, perhaps I am how I am because your grandfather raised me, and he did not allow for me to be some weak, clingy, coddled woman, he also made sure I knew how to use my mind, though because I am a woman it is often overlooked." There are time when what someone says hurts me deeply but they take it as being an emotional woman, if they really looked and listened they would see that what I get upset about is usually something I take deeply personal when it comes to respect, even women have honor and courage. I get upset when someone thinks that I am lacking intelligence and the ability to understand things that only warriors know, well this is not true, would they not be surprised at the things I do know, I could see the flicker of thought in his eyes, he knew not to even pull the I am man you are woman routine because he knows full well no matter how old or young my children are they find out damn quick I am the mother, and it does not matter if they are male or female, or that they are bigger than me they find themselves quickly brought down, as a mother I demand a certain amount of respect I do not every tolerate less, and I knew he realized it, sometimes words were not needed. He would then nod and begin to ride towards the other outriders, then he stopped and turned around and gave one of those rare smiles that he gives, and if the young women saw that they would melt, skies help me when he starts to take a serious interest in one that will be a mate to him, if he gives that smile they will be lining up at the wagons. "Garyx was right." I lifted a brow, "About?" I would inquire, "That when a person really looks into your eyes they can get lost in them and see the true you within them, there is much that you give to people. I never understood what he meant until now. I see now why he was proud to have you as his woman. And why I am proud and honored to have you as my mother" Then with that he was gone, though his words left me momentarily speechless, I had not expected it, but it was nice to hear that from him then I would smile, for in his way he complimented me not as his mother but as a woman of the tribe, I think he begins to learn that there is always more than what is readily seen if you but open your eyes, I think he is learning much and one day will grow into a great warrior. He was growing into his own with an assurance that surprised even me, perhaps I did something right with him and his sister, though Hallie, skies help me that is my wild child.
Father merely laughs, and only says now I know how it feels. I do seem to recall a few of those races and other antics that ended up with me being on the receiving end of my fathers temper. The man does know how to use a whip quite well, I try not to think of it, but even now, the kiss of it upon my flesh, well it lingers reminding me of things that I should not ever do. Father was harder on me than he was the others, he has said it is because I was the most like him. But as a teenager well we tend to test those boundaries and we often find out very quickly just how far we can go or in most cases how far we cannot go. " Hallena" was whispered gently in my mind, I had to frown as very few even called me by that name because only a handful knew it was my true name, there are a precious few that know how it is I became called Tarra, or that it is not my true name. Only the elders of the clan call me by it, however I recognized the vibration of the intonment of the words, the urgency in them, I would quickly move along the wagons towards where Bolomormaa's was, when I neared I found Chulun standing out side her wagon, "What is wrong?" I would ask, he had a weariness to him that is not often seen and I touched his arm, when he looked at me I saw the pain in his eyes, if there was any doubt that he had feelings for Bolomormaa there was none now, there was no way he could deny it, and for once he did not even try to.
He explained to me that she had complained of being tired, she had nearly passed out as they walked along the trail, he found out she had been giving her water to others and her food, and not eating enough herself, when she fell the rough end of a rock gouged her leg and now she had a fever, the healers had cleaned it and bandaged it, I thought to this for a moment, there could have been anything on that rock from just simple dirt to bosk dung. I went to my wagon and delved into the deepest recesses of it and found what I needed, a Haruspex have a knowledge of herbs that goes beyond what even the healers know, I have somewhere hidden away, a poultice of some rare herbs, I only ever use it when nothing else will work, now would something else help Bolomormaa, more than likely yes. But I saw that look in Chulun's eyes, he is an elder, he is a mentor, he is a friend, and he is like a grandfather to me, he has taught me much over time even when I was but a young child learning to take my first steps of life, I want to take away that look if I can, he deserves to find happiness, and like the rest of us, you do not realize you care for someone or want them in your life until something has happened, even if we have firmly rooted in it that was are better off alone. Are we really ? Sometimes I would say yes,but yet at the same time if I am completely honest. Then no we are not. Life is meant to be shared with another.All the good and all the bad. My fingers wrapped around the jar in a firm grasp and I rushed back to Bolomormaa's wagon, I would do all I could to help her, I would pause and look to Chulun my eyes searched his and I nodded, I knew what needed to be done. He took a step as if meaning to dissuade me, but with the stubborn determined set to my jaw, he knew that I was going to dig my heels in and not budge one little hort. Being one of the few empathic's of the clan I knew what I could do, each of us has a few things we are exceptional at, and all of us have a few things we are all able to do, separately and together, that is what makes each of us unique. We are the same and yet we are all different, it is a complex and yet simple thing, much like the strands of a spiders web each unique and brilliant in its life, but woven with others it is a beautiful awe inspiring artistic tapestry.
I knew what the consequence of what I was going to do would be, I have only done this for three others, now there would be one more. Bolomormaa would now feel what Garyx, Cana and Ba'atar have felt, I might even have enough energy left over to give her one my signature stitches and leave her with a permanent smiley face like a few others have adorned upon them. Actually there is only one living person now that has one. I sat beside her and would set to work, I knew that I would be here for over a day. And after that I would need to rest for at least half of the day. All things and people would have to wait.
