It was late into the night when I rose from my furs, it had become a routine with me not being able to sleep. I loosely braided my hair,knowing it was a bit askew by the loose tendrils that floated along my face and neck, it did not matter that it was not its usual neat intricate weave, all that mattered was that it was still bound while I was out of the privacy of my wagon. I had dressed in my usual attire and slipped on my boots, out of habit a blade was placed in various places, old teachings by my father were second nature to me. I never forgot things,and I have taught them to my children as well.
Usually I ride along the moon kissed plains, but not tonight, instead I made my way towards the clan fires, I was not surprised to see Chulunn there. I paused for a moment to watch him, no one knew his true age, but we all knew he was pretty damn old. He has had more mates than I could count, and just as many children, grand children and great grandchildren,he has seen much and his dark eyes held much wisdom and understanding of life. Many nights I have sat by his fires and enjoyed his stories of old,I keep them in my heart and mind treasuring them like a rare and priceless gift. He has taught me the stories of the clan from when he was a child and the history of the tribe and others of the plains. His hair was once as black as night, now it is silver. The weathered lines on his face tell a story and I have been honored to have been given the gift of knowing many of them. Of all the Haruspex he is one of the oldest and wisest, it is his council I would seek at times when I could not get past certain obstacles. He has taught me many things, things that are so sacred we dare not ever write them down they stay in my head and will be passed on to others, just as he did with me.
I saw him lift his hand and motion for me to join him. I had to smile knowing he had known I was for some time, when I neared he offered me a mug of tea, it is not my favorite of drinks but he is much older than me and I will not refuse it from him. Sitting beside him I would take a drink and wait to see what was on his mind.
He did not speak for a long time, instead his hand touched mine, I felt the connection he established and this time I did not fight what would happen, often I blocked myself from others never allowing anyone to read me unless I allowed it, I perfected this ability when I was about sixteen, so that no one could know what I felt or thought without my knowledge even on accident. A few try but they always fail. I allow him to know much of me, much that I keep buried deep within me. He knows all of my secrets, and he just nods and smiles, understanding the choice behind many of them. He once told me those choices I made both the good and bad were what made me who I am today.
I felt him delve deep into my thoughts, and felt his hand squeeze mine, but he did not say anything for some time as he released my hand, but I knew he was aware of much. When I finished the tea I would sit the mug beside me, " I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone, I can not find my way back." I stated softly. He would know what I meant I did not need to try and explain. He would nod, listening in his own unique way. We both knew I have not felt this since Tanner had left, and I found my way back with the help of Garyx, and the bond with Garyx transcended even that. " You are not sure you even want to, if you do it will pass you know this, unlike many of the others who suffer the pain of death, you saw the battle, you felt it, you tasted it and smelled it, you saw everything and you held him when he took his last breath, that is not something you can just get up from without some effect. You have seen this in warriors at times when a battle has been particularly devastating," I would nod in understanding I knew these things, " The feeling of disconnection and displacement will pass, be patient with yourself. Let everything work itself out. You of all people know that you can not rush anything." He was right and I knew this. I understood what he said and what he did not say." Perhaps you should talk to a warrior that has been in battles and talk with them, they also can guide your thoughts." His words had logic to them but if I went to any warrior and spoke of this they would think me insane, especially since as a woman I have not been in those kind of battles. " Time has a way of mending the web of life."
I sat with him for many ahns. It was the first I had allowed myself to be inactive in a number of days, but my mind was alive with activity turning things over and over, examining the aspects of various things, thinking of what needed to be done, my focus was all of kilter. I felt this way just before Garyx died and I have not been able to get passed it since. It was frustrating to have the ups and downs of the heaviness and pain to the uplifted sensations and brief moments of living. I felt Chuluns arm wrap about my shoulders, and I leaned into him, I hated feeling vulnerable and for lack of a better word, needy and overwhelmed this was not me, I was strong, independent, intelligent and skilled at many things, I could take care of myself, I always have, So why was I having such a hard time now. I felt his hand along my head and back in a comforting gesture not one that could be interpreted by anyone as being anything more, it was like a grandfather with a granddaughter or father with a daughter. It is hard for me to reach out to others, even though I know they are there should I need them, maybe it is the knowing that is more important.
I sighed softly, I could not cry I had shed so many tears that I think that well had dried up. Instead I allowed myself to relax and feel the strength of him and the warmth of him, I knew what he was doing, I have done it with countless others over the en'vars. I sat there for I do not know how long, caught between being awake and being asleep, it was the in between state where one could find oneself again, to reground oneself and begin to heal oneself.
I stayed by the fire most of the night, the restless was for the moment calmed, and the clarity of vision had begun to return.
The words whispered in that state, were still fresh in my mind, I had the answer on how to begin to find my way back. Could I reach out and do it.
Usually I ride along the moon kissed plains, but not tonight, instead I made my way towards the clan fires, I was not surprised to see Chulunn there. I paused for a moment to watch him, no one knew his true age, but we all knew he was pretty damn old. He has had more mates than I could count, and just as many children, grand children and great grandchildren,he has seen much and his dark eyes held much wisdom and understanding of life. Many nights I have sat by his fires and enjoyed his stories of old,I keep them in my heart and mind treasuring them like a rare and priceless gift. He has taught me the stories of the clan from when he was a child and the history of the tribe and others of the plains. His hair was once as black as night, now it is silver. The weathered lines on his face tell a story and I have been honored to have been given the gift of knowing many of them. Of all the Haruspex he is one of the oldest and wisest, it is his council I would seek at times when I could not get past certain obstacles. He has taught me many things, things that are so sacred we dare not ever write them down they stay in my head and will be passed on to others, just as he did with me.
I saw him lift his hand and motion for me to join him. I had to smile knowing he had known I was for some time, when I neared he offered me a mug of tea, it is not my favorite of drinks but he is much older than me and I will not refuse it from him. Sitting beside him I would take a drink and wait to see what was on his mind.
He did not speak for a long time, instead his hand touched mine, I felt the connection he established and this time I did not fight what would happen, often I blocked myself from others never allowing anyone to read me unless I allowed it, I perfected this ability when I was about sixteen, so that no one could know what I felt or thought without my knowledge even on accident. A few try but they always fail. I allow him to know much of me, much that I keep buried deep within me. He knows all of my secrets, and he just nods and smiles, understanding the choice behind many of them. He once told me those choices I made both the good and bad were what made me who I am today.
I felt him delve deep into my thoughts, and felt his hand squeeze mine, but he did not say anything for some time as he released my hand, but I knew he was aware of much. When I finished the tea I would sit the mug beside me, " I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone, I can not find my way back." I stated softly. He would know what I meant I did not need to try and explain. He would nod, listening in his own unique way. We both knew I have not felt this since Tanner had left, and I found my way back with the help of Garyx, and the bond with Garyx transcended even that. " You are not sure you even want to, if you do it will pass you know this, unlike many of the others who suffer the pain of death, you saw the battle, you felt it, you tasted it and smelled it, you saw everything and you held him when he took his last breath, that is not something you can just get up from without some effect. You have seen this in warriors at times when a battle has been particularly devastating," I would nod in understanding I knew these things, " The feeling of disconnection and displacement will pass, be patient with yourself. Let everything work itself out. You of all people know that you can not rush anything." He was right and I knew this. I understood what he said and what he did not say." Perhaps you should talk to a warrior that has been in battles and talk with them, they also can guide your thoughts." His words had logic to them but if I went to any warrior and spoke of this they would think me insane, especially since as a woman I have not been in those kind of battles. " Time has a way of mending the web of life."
I sat with him for many ahns. It was the first I had allowed myself to be inactive in a number of days, but my mind was alive with activity turning things over and over, examining the aspects of various things, thinking of what needed to be done, my focus was all of kilter. I felt this way just before Garyx died and I have not been able to get passed it since. It was frustrating to have the ups and downs of the heaviness and pain to the uplifted sensations and brief moments of living. I felt Chuluns arm wrap about my shoulders, and I leaned into him, I hated feeling vulnerable and for lack of a better word, needy and overwhelmed this was not me, I was strong, independent, intelligent and skilled at many things, I could take care of myself, I always have, So why was I having such a hard time now. I felt his hand along my head and back in a comforting gesture not one that could be interpreted by anyone as being anything more, it was like a grandfather with a granddaughter or father with a daughter. It is hard for me to reach out to others, even though I know they are there should I need them, maybe it is the knowing that is more important.
I sighed softly, I could not cry I had shed so many tears that I think that well had dried up. Instead I allowed myself to relax and feel the strength of him and the warmth of him, I knew what he was doing, I have done it with countless others over the en'vars. I sat there for I do not know how long, caught between being awake and being asleep, it was the in between state where one could find oneself again, to reground oneself and begin to heal oneself.
I stayed by the fire most of the night, the restless was for the moment calmed, and the clarity of vision had begun to return.
The words whispered in that state, were still fresh in my mind, I had the answer on how to begin to find my way back. Could I reach out and do it.
