There is a whoosh of the wind as it blows over the plains almost as if it were a fan brushing over us, it rustles the grass and causes some of the dirt to float over the ground, it is an almost comforting sound and feeling as it swirls around. Something about it feels right, I do not know what it is but it is as if it lifts something from us and brushes it away. The moving of the wagons has not been difficult or a hardship though it has been frustrating to me at times. I am out of practice with a few things. And it is a bit irritating.
I cradle a mug of tea in my hand, I am not a big fan of tea, but occasionally I have it for various reasons, it is one of my own concoctions, I tried to duplicate the tea that Tanner had left for me when he left. But I can't as there is something in it I cannot quite duplicate, though it is close and does help but not quite as effective. I slowly sip it letting my mind wander and linger to various people of the tribe. I think about the various quirks and ways of each one.
I have not yet gone to the clan to see what the ost meant, maybe I wasn't ready to know or maybe I just wasn't ready to step into an area that now seemed forbidden to me, not just by one person who put the thoughts there but also by my own. Not that I believe in it, but the fact that I allowed my emotions to rise to the surface and twist and turn inside me like some foreign substance, obscuring and clouding things, though how is it that this one person manages to bring out that part of me, I do not know. Is it just because it is an enjoyable game or just because it is truly not known how things are heard. Not that it matters now, I have come to terms of acceptance with this, it saddens me, but I accept it. I do not stop caring because of it, I am not one that just turns emotions on and off. But it is also not something to dwell on or linger upon. So I let go of it just as I do other things.
I spent time with Cana last night, it was nice to just sit and relax with her and talk of various things, people and situations, she did not try to suffocate me or smother me with good intentions or concern, she knows me better than she realizes, she talked to me, which makes a difference, listened to what I thought, even if some of it was perhaps less than intelligent, she understood my thoughts and emotions were not yet settled into the peaceful place they should be. But she is one of the few who does understand what I am going thru, is it because of my son Lochlan and the pain we shared or is it just because we have been a part of each others lives for so long that there is a bond there that allows for her to understand, I am not sure which is the reason nor in truth do I care, it is a comfort that it is there, she knows I am a very deep person that there is much I don't speak of. She gave me her thoughts on many things, and I appreciate the honesty of her, I always have, but that is the beauty of our relationship we love each other even when one of us or at times both of us are just being a bitch or is angry or upset. Even then what we feel is not changed, each of us would do anything for the other and that means much to me. We spoke of Garyx and she knew just as I did he would want us to celebrate him, and I know this, and I think within the day we shall do so. No sense in putting it off. We also spoke briefly of another, I know her feelings and would never compromise that, and she knows this, though I am not sure that wall that has been built will ever crack like she thinks it might.
But as I told her, everything happens when and how it should, every obstacle and every challenge tends to be done to reveal something more, who knows what the day may bring. For the moment I am grateful for the gift of the few who I can call a friend. For the gift of the few who on some level understand a small part of me. Perhaps one day I will share things with others, but when I do not know for those things never seem to be something to share just out of the blue. I mean how can you say at the fires, how are you today and by the way shall I tell you why I hate slaves or am deathly fearful of chains about me , and so on. Somehow it just doesn't seem to be appropriate.
Though I am sure there is much about me that would shock many, and I don't want that, I don't want judgment or revulsion. It is my own fear I know this. Perhaps that is what the ost was for, fear.
I cradle a mug of tea in my hand, I am not a big fan of tea, but occasionally I have it for various reasons, it is one of my own concoctions, I tried to duplicate the tea that Tanner had left for me when he left. But I can't as there is something in it I cannot quite duplicate, though it is close and does help but not quite as effective. I slowly sip it letting my mind wander and linger to various people of the tribe. I think about the various quirks and ways of each one.
I have not yet gone to the clan to see what the ost meant, maybe I wasn't ready to know or maybe I just wasn't ready to step into an area that now seemed forbidden to me, not just by one person who put the thoughts there but also by my own. Not that I believe in it, but the fact that I allowed my emotions to rise to the surface and twist and turn inside me like some foreign substance, obscuring and clouding things, though how is it that this one person manages to bring out that part of me, I do not know. Is it just because it is an enjoyable game or just because it is truly not known how things are heard. Not that it matters now, I have come to terms of acceptance with this, it saddens me, but I accept it. I do not stop caring because of it, I am not one that just turns emotions on and off. But it is also not something to dwell on or linger upon. So I let go of it just as I do other things.
I spent time with Cana last night, it was nice to just sit and relax with her and talk of various things, people and situations, she did not try to suffocate me or smother me with good intentions or concern, she knows me better than she realizes, she talked to me, which makes a difference, listened to what I thought, even if some of it was perhaps less than intelligent, she understood my thoughts and emotions were not yet settled into the peaceful place they should be. But she is one of the few who does understand what I am going thru, is it because of my son Lochlan and the pain we shared or is it just because we have been a part of each others lives for so long that there is a bond there that allows for her to understand, I am not sure which is the reason nor in truth do I care, it is a comfort that it is there, she knows I am a very deep person that there is much I don't speak of. She gave me her thoughts on many things, and I appreciate the honesty of her, I always have, but that is the beauty of our relationship we love each other even when one of us or at times both of us are just being a bitch or is angry or upset. Even then what we feel is not changed, each of us would do anything for the other and that means much to me. We spoke of Garyx and she knew just as I did he would want us to celebrate him, and I know this, and I think within the day we shall do so. No sense in putting it off. We also spoke briefly of another, I know her feelings and would never compromise that, and she knows this, though I am not sure that wall that has been built will ever crack like she thinks it might.
But as I told her, everything happens when and how it should, every obstacle and every challenge tends to be done to reveal something more, who knows what the day may bring. For the moment I am grateful for the gift of the few who I can call a friend. For the gift of the few who on some level understand a small part of me. Perhaps one day I will share things with others, but when I do not know for those things never seem to be something to share just out of the blue. I mean how can you say at the fires, how are you today and by the way shall I tell you why I hate slaves or am deathly fearful of chains about me , and so on. Somehow it just doesn't seem to be appropriate.
Though I am sure there is much about me that would shock many, and I don't want that, I don't want judgment or revulsion. It is my own fear I know this. Perhaps that is what the ost was for, fear.
