The night would not allow me to find rest, my mind I think has to much within it, thoughts bumping around and twisting and turning seeking release but only finding confinement. I don't dare allow those thoughts release because if I do they will come out sharp like a blade and slice and dice the ones they are directed at, they will come out like a breath of fire to burn and consume leaving nothing but cinder and ash.
I found out tonight who cares and who does not, who took the time to be there when I needed them the most, I will not forgot those that took the time and those that could not be bothered, I do not even want to hear the thin excuses because that is what they are flimsy excuses that hide the fact they could not take the time or effort to be there. To those that were there, their presence was appreciated and it meant much to me.
See in difficult times you see who is who. And I see exactly what is the truth not that I did not know but I have the confirmation now. I will not forget. And they dare not come to me afterwards giving me their sympathy and condolences, if you could not take the time to do so before or at the pyre, do not insult yourself by coming near my after the fact, it means nothing after the fact, a day late and a coin shy.
Ba'atar and Arkus took care of lighting the pyre,to send Garyx on his way, to watch the flames devour and consume him was the hardest thing to watch. I did not allow any of my emotions to break thru, I do not cry in public, I do not reveal my deepest emotions in public, that is how I am, how I always have been, there have been a few rare occasions that such has happened in public but usually during extenuating circumstances.
I lingered at the main fires for a few moments I wanted to thank Ba'atar and Cana especially for all they have helped me with and done for me, it is the small things they do not realize have far more meaning to me. Ayguili surprised me by how groomed and polished he was, I did notice the difference in his appearance and the time he took was appreciated, however, before I could speak of it he was called away by one of the outriders.
I did eventually return to my fires leaving the others at the main fires, I was tired and not really in the mood for joviality and banter I would leave that to others for the night, I needed to sleep, but as tired as I was sleep would not come to me, somehow the wagon seemed much bigger tonight, emptier and cold. The finality of things is harder than we realize, we cannot prepare for things. So I lay here for a while, a mixture of emotions, sadness, relief ,sorrow and anger wash thru me at different intervals.
I struggle to keep the cold, mean side of me buried within me, the bitch side that wants to lash out at a few in particular, but I won't . The reason is rather simple, why give them my heart,caring and energy when they could not take a few ehn to offer respects to Garyx to me they have insulted a warrior of honor. Strange how for a few hands we have not seen the prospects at the fires, I suppose they think if they act as if around they are, well that wont get them made tribe now will it. I do not see a one of them making an effort to be tribe, and I sure did not see any of them around tonight. That also tells me a lot. But I do not expect much from prospects so that is neither her nor there just an observation .
It is those of the tribe I will not forgive nor will I forget. I received the message loud and clear but I guess they forgot one thing, it was not me they hurt, their actions reflected upon a warrior of honor, and on the Ubar of the tribe. Because he is far busier than anyone and yet, he was able to take the time to not only be there but to speak of Garyx and to light the pyre.
What does that tell you.
I found out tonight who cares and who does not, who took the time to be there when I needed them the most, I will not forgot those that took the time and those that could not be bothered, I do not even want to hear the thin excuses because that is what they are flimsy excuses that hide the fact they could not take the time or effort to be there. To those that were there, their presence was appreciated and it meant much to me.
See in difficult times you see who is who. And I see exactly what is the truth not that I did not know but I have the confirmation now. I will not forget. And they dare not come to me afterwards giving me their sympathy and condolences, if you could not take the time to do so before or at the pyre, do not insult yourself by coming near my after the fact, it means nothing after the fact, a day late and a coin shy.
Ba'atar and Arkus took care of lighting the pyre,to send Garyx on his way, to watch the flames devour and consume him was the hardest thing to watch. I did not allow any of my emotions to break thru, I do not cry in public, I do not reveal my deepest emotions in public, that is how I am, how I always have been, there have been a few rare occasions that such has happened in public but usually during extenuating circumstances.
I lingered at the main fires for a few moments I wanted to thank Ba'atar and Cana especially for all they have helped me with and done for me, it is the small things they do not realize have far more meaning to me. Ayguili surprised me by how groomed and polished he was, I did notice the difference in his appearance and the time he took was appreciated, however, before I could speak of it he was called away by one of the outriders.
I did eventually return to my fires leaving the others at the main fires, I was tired and not really in the mood for joviality and banter I would leave that to others for the night, I needed to sleep, but as tired as I was sleep would not come to me, somehow the wagon seemed much bigger tonight, emptier and cold. The finality of things is harder than we realize, we cannot prepare for things. So I lay here for a while, a mixture of emotions, sadness, relief ,sorrow and anger wash thru me at different intervals.
I struggle to keep the cold, mean side of me buried within me, the bitch side that wants to lash out at a few in particular, but I won't . The reason is rather simple, why give them my heart,caring and energy when they could not take a few ehn to offer respects to Garyx to me they have insulted a warrior of honor. Strange how for a few hands we have not seen the prospects at the fires, I suppose they think if they act as if around they are, well that wont get them made tribe now will it. I do not see a one of them making an effort to be tribe, and I sure did not see any of them around tonight. That also tells me a lot. But I do not expect much from prospects so that is neither her nor there just an observation .
It is those of the tribe I will not forgive nor will I forget. I received the message loud and clear but I guess they forgot one thing, it was not me they hurt, their actions reflected upon a warrior of honor, and on the Ubar of the tribe. Because he is far busier than anyone and yet, he was able to take the time to not only be there but to speak of Garyx and to light the pyre.
What does that tell you.
