I had made my last rounds before the journey began I started with the clan elders wagons, to ensure they had more than enough for the trail, I know if I felt that each trip was beginning to feel harder than they would feel it even more. My youngest son was working hard to make sure everything was as it should be, I watched him with pride. Noelani was helping him with a few things as they prepared, I know that he had helped her family prepare as well. She told me that she was having a hard time with the stones not really sure which one to pick or why. I explained to her that there was no hurry, she was to take her time, to allow herself to know when and which one to choose. I assured her that what she felt was normal, there were many changes occuring with in her as she worked with them. I could see the confusion, but I knew in time she would understand.
After I was satisfied that all was good with them I would walk along the outer wagons, there was an elder couple, Galdai and Nasdei, that I often spent time with, and when much was on my mind I spent even more time with them. I took them some extra supplies, dried meat and checked to ensure they had someone to help them with the driving of the wagons should they have need. I sat with them for a while, sharing a mug of tea, I had to wonder just what was up with all the blasted tea from people lately, I was not fond of the drink. But I would not disrespect them and refuse.
The ahns of the past that I have spent with them would bring many interesting discussions, and often they would listen and offer sage advice. This time I did not burden them with my thoughts, for there was a part of me that had decided to remain behind, I had no desire to be apart of anything or go anywhere, I was finally disillusioned with life and people. But I was keeping this to myself. Funny thing is, that they seemed to know what I was contemplating. It did not take a Haruspex to figure it out if you have spent any amount of time around me, then you knew how I would think and feel about various things. Galdai reached out and touched my arm, I studied his hand for a moment, while the flesh had aged there was still much strength within him, I would look to him. " You cannot follow what you are considering." I did not say anything for a few moments, "I can because it is what I want." He would just smile, "I thought that once long ago, when I lost my first mate and when I watched the Ubar and his woman at the time turn the tribe into a weak river of dweller ways,he was ruled by his slaves and by his own wants and needs, He had forgotten that being a leader meant listening to the people not doing what he wanted just because he could." I was then surprised because these two had been together for so long that you would never know she was not his first and only mate , and given his age I knew that the Ubar he spoke of was not one any of us that lived know were aware of, but then I remembered he once told me he came to this tribe after his had been destroyed not only had there been an implosion within the tribe but there had been an explosion of the enemy as well. I think he once told me he had come from the farthest edge of the plains, a few of them had survived the holocaust and traveled to search out other tuchuks. It was not a part of the plains I have ever explored but I often thought to.
He would smile, " I understand the pain you feel and the bond you shared with your warrior, such does not come around often, it is to be treasured and cherished, not tarnished. I too wanted to walk away and bury myself into anything that would suck every part of life out of me, leaving only a shell of who I was. I fought in battle hoping to die as was fitting of a warrior, the skies however did not yet want me." I felt a bit uncomfortable as his words mirrored some of the things I have been feeling. That is what I wanted to do, I was working from the time I woke up until the time I slept so that I was so exhausted I would sleep, I isolated myself on many levels even though I moved about the camp, more like a ghost than a living breathing entity. I wanted to hold on and embrace the negative emotions, the pain and anger, I wanted to hold onto it in regards to Garyx, I wanted to hate him for leaving me and I wanted to feel nothing, I also wanted to feel hate and anger to others who had inflicted pain and disappointment I wanted to not feel anything good or nice. I only wanted to embrace the dark witch and have no regard and no feeling and no care. I wanted to destroy myself. I was not ready to look at this but Galdai was not giving me much of a choice.
" Trust me it is not a path you want to take, I will not tell you what to do but I will ask that you at least think upon my words. Your promise to consider everything I have said to you now and in the past. " I would draw in a slow breath I hated making promises, it meant I had to keep them which is why I made so few of them during my life, once I made a promise when I was young I could not keep, I learned to never make them lightly and never to make any I knew I could not keep, he would wait patiently. Finally, I would nod "I will consider your words. But I make no promises for anything else." He would just smile, seemingly content, now this had me worried just what did he think he knew. I stayed for a while with them, talking of many things. I was in no hurry to be anywhere I had much time on my hands now that I have stepped back from everything.
I returned to my fires and sat there for some time gazing into the fire, I have been lately considering retiring from the clan, the reasons are varied. None that I have shared with anyone, suffice it to say that I have been made aware of various things, none that surprise me, I have in fact expected it. I am disappointed that I was not wrong, I had hoped I was. All the tradition and work that I and others had put into it erased as if never in place. I lift my hand to lift the braid that held the black and purple beads, I removed them and put them away, I remove the armbands that adorned my upper arms, a gift when I passed into the realm of an elder, those to I put away. I considered burning my private spex wagon there was a lot within there that could not be passed on to others. But it would be a waste and I never waste things, perhaps I will give it to my youngest son when he gets his name and when he completes his first envar and a day of learning. The last marking that I earned when I reached the inner circle of knowledge seemed to burn along my back, I would have one of the healers remove it for me. I knew how to do it, I learned it from my father when he had the brand that Gaspar placed removed from my thigh. There are things that I have learned that I should not know about, but I do.
After I was satisfied that all was good with them I would walk along the outer wagons, there was an elder couple, Galdai and Nasdei, that I often spent time with, and when much was on my mind I spent even more time with them. I took them some extra supplies, dried meat and checked to ensure they had someone to help them with the driving of the wagons should they have need. I sat with them for a while, sharing a mug of tea, I had to wonder just what was up with all the blasted tea from people lately, I was not fond of the drink. But I would not disrespect them and refuse.
The ahns of the past that I have spent with them would bring many interesting discussions, and often they would listen and offer sage advice. This time I did not burden them with my thoughts, for there was a part of me that had decided to remain behind, I had no desire to be apart of anything or go anywhere, I was finally disillusioned with life and people. But I was keeping this to myself. Funny thing is, that they seemed to know what I was contemplating. It did not take a Haruspex to figure it out if you have spent any amount of time around me, then you knew how I would think and feel about various things. Galdai reached out and touched my arm, I studied his hand for a moment, while the flesh had aged there was still much strength within him, I would look to him. " You cannot follow what you are considering." I did not say anything for a few moments, "I can because it is what I want." He would just smile, "I thought that once long ago, when I lost my first mate and when I watched the Ubar and his woman at the time turn the tribe into a weak river of dweller ways,he was ruled by his slaves and by his own wants and needs, He had forgotten that being a leader meant listening to the people not doing what he wanted just because he could." I was then surprised because these two had been together for so long that you would never know she was not his first and only mate , and given his age I knew that the Ubar he spoke of was not one any of us that lived know were aware of, but then I remembered he once told me he came to this tribe after his had been destroyed not only had there been an implosion within the tribe but there had been an explosion of the enemy as well. I think he once told me he had come from the farthest edge of the plains, a few of them had survived the holocaust and traveled to search out other tuchuks. It was not a part of the plains I have ever explored but I often thought to.
He would smile, " I understand the pain you feel and the bond you shared with your warrior, such does not come around often, it is to be treasured and cherished, not tarnished. I too wanted to walk away and bury myself into anything that would suck every part of life out of me, leaving only a shell of who I was. I fought in battle hoping to die as was fitting of a warrior, the skies however did not yet want me." I felt a bit uncomfortable as his words mirrored some of the things I have been feeling. That is what I wanted to do, I was working from the time I woke up until the time I slept so that I was so exhausted I would sleep, I isolated myself on many levels even though I moved about the camp, more like a ghost than a living breathing entity. I wanted to hold on and embrace the negative emotions, the pain and anger, I wanted to hold onto it in regards to Garyx, I wanted to hate him for leaving me and I wanted to feel nothing, I also wanted to feel hate and anger to others who had inflicted pain and disappointment I wanted to not feel anything good or nice. I only wanted to embrace the dark witch and have no regard and no feeling and no care. I wanted to destroy myself. I was not ready to look at this but Galdai was not giving me much of a choice.
" Trust me it is not a path you want to take, I will not tell you what to do but I will ask that you at least think upon my words. Your promise to consider everything I have said to you now and in the past. " I would draw in a slow breath I hated making promises, it meant I had to keep them which is why I made so few of them during my life, once I made a promise when I was young I could not keep, I learned to never make them lightly and never to make any I knew I could not keep, he would wait patiently. Finally, I would nod "I will consider your words. But I make no promises for anything else." He would just smile, seemingly content, now this had me worried just what did he think he knew. I stayed for a while with them, talking of many things. I was in no hurry to be anywhere I had much time on my hands now that I have stepped back from everything.
I returned to my fires and sat there for some time gazing into the fire, I have been lately considering retiring from the clan, the reasons are varied. None that I have shared with anyone, suffice it to say that I have been made aware of various things, none that surprise me, I have in fact expected it. I am disappointed that I was not wrong, I had hoped I was. All the tradition and work that I and others had put into it erased as if never in place. I lift my hand to lift the braid that held the black and purple beads, I removed them and put them away, I remove the armbands that adorned my upper arms, a gift when I passed into the realm of an elder, those to I put away. I considered burning my private spex wagon there was a lot within there that could not be passed on to others. But it would be a waste and I never waste things, perhaps I will give it to my youngest son when he gets his name and when he completes his first envar and a day of learning. The last marking that I earned when I reached the inner circle of knowledge seemed to burn along my back, I would have one of the healers remove it for me. I knew how to do it, I learned it from my father when he had the brand that Gaspar placed removed from my thigh. There are things that I have learned that I should not know about, but I do.
