I find myself with a lingering fatigue clinging to my soul this morning, enough that I have no true desire to get out of bed. Yet, I know I must. There is much to do. I can hear my children outside the wagon doing what all brothers and sisters do, argue and verbally spar back and forth. I hear Hallie already doing the mothering thing of the younger ones, she has been helping Cana a lot and learning much from her, she talks non stop of what she is doing and I think if she could burst in on her and wake her up she would. So before she disappears for ahns at a time I force myself up and dress, pulling back my hair I braid it tightly before stepping from the wagon, making my way to the fire with in my circle of wagons I get some black wine and sit to relax before going to see what awaits me.
As I watch my children sometimes I feel rather old, Hallie has grown into a beautiful young woman, she is the youngest of my daughters. Though she has her fathers eyes and his humor, something most do not realize he has, she has some of my stubbornness and fearlessness, and that could get her into much trouble. Though I can not say she really looks like me nor does she look like Shi, she simply looks like herself, she is her own person, has her own fire and spirit. Though she tries to see the best in everyone she has learned rather young that people disappoint and hurt you. I cannot save any of them from the graze of pain, hurt and sorrow. I can only teach them how to survive these things. She is strong within, she is closer I think to Garyx that she is her own father, and while I wish I could say something about it, I cant, she has had to learn how he is on his own, does it mean Shi does not love her? No, it doesn't , he just isn't involved in the lives of his children as much as he should be.
Arkus, I am somewhat worried of him, he holds anger and resentment within him in regards to his father and Silk, while I try to explain something's in a way so that his father is not seen as less than a man or warrior,I am not so sure that it has worked. I know he has heard various rumors and I can not answer them for him, it would color their vision of him and they must see him as their father nothing more nothing less, it is not in me to taint that image no matter how much I want to at times. I may have forgiven on some level but I have forgotten nothing. I can understand the feelings, I can teach him much as a mother, and while I raised other sons alone, I know I can still only teach so much I might understand much of men but I am not a man there are things I could not begin to know or understand. Garyx and father have been teaching him a lot for which I am thankful. He has been drawn to the clan of scarrers, while it is his fathers clan I think he was fascinated from having watched Lochlan when he was alive. I have spoken with Ayguili, he is willing to teach him, I think that he will learn much from him as well. Though Ayguili hides much of himself behind a stone wall, I think there is much more of a depth to him than most see. It is not easy to look past the masks people put on to protect themselves, I recognize the masks, mostly because I have worn them. It hides deep pain.
I thank the skies for these warriors that have and are taking the time to teach him and guide him, with their guidance and knowledge he will grow into a fine young man and warrior
My thoughts are drawn to Cana and Ba'atar as I watch them go thru one of their first major challenges as a couple. While how they each handle some things makes me want to reach out and bang their heads together, they have managed to come to a juncture where they both once more walk as one. They may not yet know it, but these troubled waters they have navigated will make them stronger and also help them learn things of each other. They are still a young growing couple, but I have faith in what they share,they can with patience and understanding walk thru anything. It is painful but they have walked thru their first trial by fire.
I knew while he presented this "I am okay" image at the fires, he was not, I caught that movement of his arm when I asked him to take a deep breath, that spar in my opinion went beyond what would be friendly. He could have had a punctured lung,fortunately he does not. I think he knew I was not going to let it go, and I was going to see about it, unfortunately he is not spex so I could not say I had need of him in that capacity as I used to do to Fonce. So I had to be a bit more creative to see what was wrong without anyone else realizing it, I knew he had no desire for anyone to know just by his actions. Men, when will they learn such does not make them weak, so I took care of the problem in my own way without anyone knowing it. Then I sent him off with Cana, of course I knew what I was doing when I nudged them to their wagons. Sometimes a woman's love is the best healer, while I took care of the injury using an ancient spex technique, I am careful to not reveal that it is done, not because we do not want to help people, but we are not the healers, and it has only a limited power, but the main reason is because when we do use this it takes to much from us, we give a part of ourselves to those that we use it on. And we take on what it is they feel and hold, It is not something we can use often. Which is why we are careful and I know that Ba 'atar may not yet understand what I did only that he knows that he is no longer in pain and no longer is bleeding,even if he figured it out, he would not bandy it about. If it was common knowledge , it would be abused by people and those of us in the clan would essentially die from the over use of it. There is a reason we have a healer clan, we just once in a while give their work a little extra nudge unknowingly to them. I do know this much, the amount of pain he was holding was a lot more than he let on, for a moment it nearly blinded me with its intensity. I rarely touch people or let them touch me unless I am protecting myself from their emotions and what they physically feel, only a few realize it is because I am empathic and I pick up on these things.
Most think it is because I think I am above them or better. Nothing could be further from the truth, I just do not like to be unprepared for the sudden onslaught of images and physical manifestation of their pain, sorrow or other things. Sometimes I will touch to see but the person normally knows that is what I am doing, and sometimes I will touch when I have properly protected myself from seeing or feeling. There are misconceptions of me and I do not correct them, the reason is easy, if a person can judge that easily and not really see and hear, then they are blind and deaf to life.
I will always continue to be me, I have always been honest with people sometimes brutally so, but they always know where I stand and what I think. I will as always stand for what I think is right and fight for it and those that I care of. I am a persons greatest friend but lie to me, betray me or those I care of and I can be the cruelest meanest bitch to cross their path, I will go for the jugular and watch the person bleed. For me that side only comes out when you screw with the tribe and you mess with those I care about. And when that happens, I wont hold anything back until your blood soaks the ground and the plains devour you as if you were nothing but a speck of dust in the wind. Finally a few moments of silence as all the children all disappeared to do what they needed chore wise. Hallie is off to find Cana as she knows by now that they all would be awake. This leaves me some quiet time, I gaze out over the plains just watching, listening.
Garyx has been gone out on patrols for some time, sometimes they seem like they get longer and longer,but it is a part of our life. It does not mean I miss him any less and hope that all is well, I like all women know that as we watch our men ride off to hunt or patrol, that it could be the last time we see them, which is why I ensure that he always knows that I am thinking of him and he knows how I feel.
As I watch my children sometimes I feel rather old, Hallie has grown into a beautiful young woman, she is the youngest of my daughters. Though she has her fathers eyes and his humor, something most do not realize he has, she has some of my stubbornness and fearlessness, and that could get her into much trouble. Though I can not say she really looks like me nor does she look like Shi, she simply looks like herself, she is her own person, has her own fire and spirit. Though she tries to see the best in everyone she has learned rather young that people disappoint and hurt you. I cannot save any of them from the graze of pain, hurt and sorrow. I can only teach them how to survive these things. She is strong within, she is closer I think to Garyx that she is her own father, and while I wish I could say something about it, I cant, she has had to learn how he is on his own, does it mean Shi does not love her? No, it doesn't , he just isn't involved in the lives of his children as much as he should be.
Arkus, I am somewhat worried of him, he holds anger and resentment within him in regards to his father and Silk, while I try to explain something's in a way so that his father is not seen as less than a man or warrior,I am not so sure that it has worked. I know he has heard various rumors and I can not answer them for him, it would color their vision of him and they must see him as their father nothing more nothing less, it is not in me to taint that image no matter how much I want to at times. I may have forgiven on some level but I have forgotten nothing. I can understand the feelings, I can teach him much as a mother, and while I raised other sons alone, I know I can still only teach so much I might understand much of men but I am not a man there are things I could not begin to know or understand. Garyx and father have been teaching him a lot for which I am thankful. He has been drawn to the clan of scarrers, while it is his fathers clan I think he was fascinated from having watched Lochlan when he was alive. I have spoken with Ayguili, he is willing to teach him, I think that he will learn much from him as well. Though Ayguili hides much of himself behind a stone wall, I think there is much more of a depth to him than most see. It is not easy to look past the masks people put on to protect themselves, I recognize the masks, mostly because I have worn them. It hides deep pain.
I thank the skies for these warriors that have and are taking the time to teach him and guide him, with their guidance and knowledge he will grow into a fine young man and warrior
My thoughts are drawn to Cana and Ba'atar as I watch them go thru one of their first major challenges as a couple. While how they each handle some things makes me want to reach out and bang their heads together, they have managed to come to a juncture where they both once more walk as one. They may not yet know it, but these troubled waters they have navigated will make them stronger and also help them learn things of each other. They are still a young growing couple, but I have faith in what they share,they can with patience and understanding walk thru anything. It is painful but they have walked thru their first trial by fire.
I knew while he presented this "I am okay" image at the fires, he was not, I caught that movement of his arm when I asked him to take a deep breath, that spar in my opinion went beyond what would be friendly. He could have had a punctured lung,fortunately he does not. I think he knew I was not going to let it go, and I was going to see about it, unfortunately he is not spex so I could not say I had need of him in that capacity as I used to do to Fonce. So I had to be a bit more creative to see what was wrong without anyone else realizing it, I knew he had no desire for anyone to know just by his actions. Men, when will they learn such does not make them weak, so I took care of the problem in my own way without anyone knowing it. Then I sent him off with Cana, of course I knew what I was doing when I nudged them to their wagons. Sometimes a woman's love is the best healer, while I took care of the injury using an ancient spex technique, I am careful to not reveal that it is done, not because we do not want to help people, but we are not the healers, and it has only a limited power, but the main reason is because when we do use this it takes to much from us, we give a part of ourselves to those that we use it on. And we take on what it is they feel and hold, It is not something we can use often. Which is why we are careful and I know that Ba 'atar may not yet understand what I did only that he knows that he is no longer in pain and no longer is bleeding,even if he figured it out, he would not bandy it about. If it was common knowledge , it would be abused by people and those of us in the clan would essentially die from the over use of it. There is a reason we have a healer clan, we just once in a while give their work a little extra nudge unknowingly to them. I do know this much, the amount of pain he was holding was a lot more than he let on, for a moment it nearly blinded me with its intensity. I rarely touch people or let them touch me unless I am protecting myself from their emotions and what they physically feel, only a few realize it is because I am empathic and I pick up on these things.
Most think it is because I think I am above them or better. Nothing could be further from the truth, I just do not like to be unprepared for the sudden onslaught of images and physical manifestation of their pain, sorrow or other things. Sometimes I will touch to see but the person normally knows that is what I am doing, and sometimes I will touch when I have properly protected myself from seeing or feeling. There are misconceptions of me and I do not correct them, the reason is easy, if a person can judge that easily and not really see and hear, then they are blind and deaf to life.
I will always continue to be me, I have always been honest with people sometimes brutally so, but they always know where I stand and what I think. I will as always stand for what I think is right and fight for it and those that I care of. I am a persons greatest friend but lie to me, betray me or those I care of and I can be the cruelest meanest bitch to cross their path, I will go for the jugular and watch the person bleed. For me that side only comes out when you screw with the tribe and you mess with those I care about. And when that happens, I wont hold anything back until your blood soaks the ground and the plains devour you as if you were nothing but a speck of dust in the wind. Finally a few moments of silence as all the children all disappeared to do what they needed chore wise. Hallie is off to find Cana as she knows by now that they all would be awake. This leaves me some quiet time, I gaze out over the plains just watching, listening.
Garyx has been gone out on patrols for some time, sometimes they seem like they get longer and longer,but it is a part of our life. It does not mean I miss him any less and hope that all is well, I like all women know that as we watch our men ride off to hunt or patrol, that it could be the last time we see them, which is why I ensure that he always knows that I am thinking of him and he knows how I feel.
