I take a moment within the circle of my wagons to sit and relax. Something I have not done for a few hands. There as been much to do, even though Garyx is home safe and sound I have not really seen him as he has been helping with repairs of wagons, hunting and delivering extra furs and meat to those that are elder and those without family or warriors to help them. At night I feel him next to me as I automatically move into his arms even half asleep. I saw Chay helping as well but if you asked her she wouldn't admit to it. She doesn't like anyone to see that nicer side of her. I watch people judge her and realize that they never take the time to get past how she is, that is her no matter if people like it or not. She is how she is thru the molding of fate and men of Gor. She was trained to be an assassin, and whether anyone can accept it or not is really not something she cares about, but she is a cold, unfeeling woman and she is a huntress, raised by the Taluna. And yet there is that side of her that is intelligent, humorous and loving. What do people expect some meek silent woman. No Tuchuk woman is reserved,demure and sweet. We are bold, arrogant, mouthy wenches. Plain and simple. I know if a man says jump I don't ask how high, his slut might but from me he will get an earful. But, then again, most know that of me. They know how I am.
There are many things I should write about, the reading given to Ba'atar, I believe he will take my words as meaningful and follow thru with what was recommended from what we saw, and I hope he remembers what he is to look for. I have been observing him for some time now. As in all things time will tell what he will become. He has the welfare of the tribe as a whole within his heart, so that is a good start. Father I think is good for him, both as a warrior and someone for him to talk to.
There are new faces in the camp, I am not sure what I think of them yet, I have been testing in ways they do not even realize. I tend to watch. What I see and hear often tells me much more than anything else. Though I have noticed the formation of a bit of a click, certain ones only are around with certain people . So this tells me much already. I have formulated my thoughts on all of them already. It will be up to them to either change my thoughts or prove me wrong. We shall see. I do not trust them, to much dweller ways and influence stains them all. No one can know things that fast. But as in all things time will tell.
I saw Shi the other night, he seems to be back to his usual ways, I am not sure why he spilled blackwine on the ground with the girl dung. But, I wonder if he realizes that he wasted something that is not easily obtained and expensive in trade, or that the cream is from the bosk and that sugar also is not common for us. Was he upset with the girl that he did not realize his own actions? Or is it something else. Either way I hope that he realizes what he did.
The slave girl dung, you know I tolerate slaves. I do not particularly care for them as to me they aren't to be trusted as far as you could throw one. But as a rule I am rarely mean to them, of course I torment them with the thoughts I might remove their eyes,tongues or make stew out of them. After all what better way to ensure they don't try to poison you when as a spex they know you could do those things and more if you chose. But, she annoyed me, if there is one thing I cannot abide it is a slave crying for no reason other than the fear of living. The fear of the what ifs of life. If she does not get it together she will not live long. This life is not soft and easy, we all live each day in thanks that we live and breathe, for we know all to well each day could be our last. I let her have it, if she is going to devalue herself and dishonor her master well, that is on her. I only hope she realizes these things. Next time I might well kill her and make her sleen bait. Then pay what I think she as worth. I was not the one she should have been doing that around. I am not the nice one.
Lately I have felt out of sorts and misplaced. Is it the preparation of the move or is it something else. For the first time I have felt like an outsider looking in. It is a disconcerting feeling, I realize that there is no one outside of my mate that I have as a best friend or confidante, kind of makes me miss the days of when Dina and Lukus were around, times like this I really wish my brothers and sisters were around. My children are close to me but there are things you do not tell your children or your father, it must be the emotions of many touching me. And that I am missing my talks with Garyx, something that has been beyond our control. Hopefully soon we will have some time together. As he is my mate, my confidante, I know I can share anything from trivial to serious and in between and he wont judge me. I know I can share my deepest darkest secrets and fears and not be seen as less. It has to be something in the air as I know for sure I am not with child, I do not stop the sip root until he wants me to. So it has to be something else, but what it is I am not sure. Though I do know that there are things I have noticed of older members of this tribe that make me scratch my head and wonder what bug crawled up them and died or just what is going on with a few. I have to wonder at the sudden politics I see in a race to see who can be better at this and stand out as more important than anyone else. I don't recall us being taught to be that way. I have thoughts on many things, but I do not speak them lest they be taken wrong and people get upset. Though I have given subtle reminders of some things and hints of others designed to warn of what not to do or become. When people begin to change then I know something is about to happen. I suppose I am just not nice enough or sweet enough and play the suck up game. That isn't me and I am hardly a teenager or in my twenties. Perhaps I am to old to be around all these young ones. They do things differently and think differently. I am simply me. And at this stage of my life I don't see me changing.
I have become a relic.. or what those of earth say a dinosaur. I wonder do they put us out to pasture so to speak. Maybe that is why when I am about I hardly see people and when I have work to do or need to rest that is when all gather. Perhaps it is a message that my clouded brain has not gotten yet, but I think I get it now.
