The trail once more continues, although my heart is not in this one.. I find that I really have no true desire to be in the southern camp.The reasons are varied some known and some not known. It is something that I can not explain myself, I find myself at times wanting to be around people and then suddenly not wanting to be. There has been a restlessness that I can't describe or explain. Is it the pent up emotions that I have not allowed out. Do I even know how to let them out?
I find myself gazing out over the plains. A part of me just wants to break free and ride off to find a place of my own and live away from everyone. I have felt this for some time it is something Garyx and I have talked of. I find myself thinking of my brothers and sisters. Another part of me longs to be with them, in fact sometimes I consider just giving up all here and returning to the jungles to live with them. I feel that restlessness once more that speaks to me. Maybe it is having watched a few leave the plains that make me consider that perhaps that is the best thing to do. Maybe there is something to it... I have noticed that Sakmeta is no longer among us I have noticed it for a while I had hoped that she had just been among the wagons and I just had not seen her. But, some of the outriders told me that she had left the plains. I wonder why.
Yet another daughter departs the plains.
Garyx is out on an extended patrol. The timing of it sort of just sucks, is the only way to put it. I have caught glimpses of him out with the men so I know all is well, I send food and water out to him along with small things within them that allow him to know that I miss and think of him. It is something I do, to give him something to smile about and to know share a bit of the love we share when we are apart. I have listened to a few who get upset when their men are gone for periods of time, and no matter how you explain it to them they do not grasp that this is a part of our life, it is something they do. I see the misery on the faces of these men and I do feel for them. It makes me glad I am not that way, it gives me a greater appreciation for the small things I do for him. Relationships can not be taken for granted, a day should not pass that you do not share what you feel because in our life we never know when they may suddenly not be with us. I make the effort to never go to our furs to sleep with anger within me, nor do I send him off with a sad or sour face. When he is on his normal patrol I get up with him and share the morning and prepare his saddle bags and see him off with a smile and kiss, I give a part of myself to him each day. The reason is simple.. he is a part of me.. he is the one who holds my heart and soul.
That does not mean things are always perfect for we have our share of disagreements, we just do not air them out in public, plus we talk of these things to work them out in a way that each are happy with the solution. As we travel closer to the southern camp, I find sometimes an overwhelming need to go and find him to talk, and yet at the same time, I am not sure of what it is I want to say, how does one explain these odd thoughts and feelings. So for now I keep them bottled within in.
Cana has returned to the embrace of her family and that is the way it should be. Trilok has once more become her guardian, I have mixed feelings on this as I know Loch wanted my father and Garyx to watch over her, I did briefly speak with my father my thoughts on this and I think he understood what I was trying to say, and what bothered me of it. Sometimes life is a double edged sword in which there is no easy way to find balance. I wish I knew what has my emotions in such a tailspin, I know I am not with child so it could not be that. I think of everything I can and I just do not know what it is that causes these ripples thru me that can give me such degrees of thought. Maybe that is why I have isolated myself for a while from others, when like this I might say or do something that is less than nice and that I may regret. Something is still hovering out there I can feel it. Is it that or something else..
I at times find myself angry at Loch for dying, taking away my grandchild because he will not be raised as his fathers and grandfathers blood line but by someone else .I am not happy with a few people right now. And fortunately for them I have kept to my own wagons. I will wait for Garyx return to speak with him of what I think. Maybe, with the length of time he has been working out there with the men, I think I may need to ensure he is well taken care of. I still have some old habits that I have not broken, one is keeping busy and the other is keeping much within myself.. I have gotten better at these things.. But, just not quite where I know people would like me to be.
I had an interesting discussion with Ba 'atar. I was a bit amused as I had sent the golden lily to give him my message, I think he enjoyed gazing upon her and what man does not, she was once a torvald bondsmaid. And all men of Gor want them. We spoke of many things, and he has confirmed a few things that I already suspected. He gave me his thoughts on a few women. Most of which I suspected but would rather hear from him directly.
One he wants just on the physical level, to own. But, does not see her as a mate. He did ask if he could just collar her, to which I told him if no reason was given that would warrant a collar, then I do not think he could, she would have to be courting the collar. I am not sure he liked that answer but it was an honest one. Another he wants as a mate but does not know if he has the patience to wait for, and yet there is another that he wants to mate as well, but he thinks he has to convince me. It is not me he would have to convince. But I did warn him if one rejects him the other would not accept being second best. The thing that I noticed is what he fears and tries to fight. Whether he admits it or not he does.
Although I do not know what his rush is, if he just needs release physically that is what a slave is , each of these women have something about them that intrigues him, my suggestion was to follow what I told him his dream meant. It was telling him something of himself. Something that he would need to work on before he could share his life with another. I worry that he is going to rush into something and just take a mate because he has set a time limit on himself. To mate should be because of what is in your heart, not to just do it simply because you want to mate. A woman considers with her heart. This is important to a woman.
I have learned a lot of him during this discussion. I tend to not hold anything back I ask specific questions even when I know the answer, because I want to hear it from the person. It means more to me to hear them speak. He is a good man and an honorable warrior. But, I think he must first learn of a few things ,and he knows what they are. I offered to help him thru them by assisting in a dream walk with him, he of course had a few dreams he spoke of, I think some he spoke of just to see if he could fluster me or get a reaction, I am not so easily flustered, I have seen a lot more than any could imagine. So what he spoke of was not anything that really gave me great concern,and I told him where he needed help in that one. I found great humor in it.
I hope that he takes time to learn patience.. and of himself before he rushes onward blindly. I did warn him of what happens if two of them ever get hurt. It is the white larl he has to watch out for not the grumpy gramps.
When it comes to my daughters, wether of blood or heart.. I am very, protective.
Now, if I could figure out what has me suddenly insecure of myself, I have never been and why I feel just so out of sorts.
I hate questions without answers. I was never good at puzzles.
I find myself gazing out over the plains. A part of me just wants to break free and ride off to find a place of my own and live away from everyone. I have felt this for some time it is something Garyx and I have talked of. I find myself thinking of my brothers and sisters. Another part of me longs to be with them, in fact sometimes I consider just giving up all here and returning to the jungles to live with them. I feel that restlessness once more that speaks to me. Maybe it is having watched a few leave the plains that make me consider that perhaps that is the best thing to do. Maybe there is something to it... I have noticed that Sakmeta is no longer among us I have noticed it for a while I had hoped that she had just been among the wagons and I just had not seen her. But, some of the outriders told me that she had left the plains. I wonder why.
Yet another daughter departs the plains.
Garyx is out on an extended patrol. The timing of it sort of just sucks, is the only way to put it. I have caught glimpses of him out with the men so I know all is well, I send food and water out to him along with small things within them that allow him to know that I miss and think of him. It is something I do, to give him something to smile about and to know share a bit of the love we share when we are apart. I have listened to a few who get upset when their men are gone for periods of time, and no matter how you explain it to them they do not grasp that this is a part of our life, it is something they do. I see the misery on the faces of these men and I do feel for them. It makes me glad I am not that way, it gives me a greater appreciation for the small things I do for him. Relationships can not be taken for granted, a day should not pass that you do not share what you feel because in our life we never know when they may suddenly not be with us. I make the effort to never go to our furs to sleep with anger within me, nor do I send him off with a sad or sour face. When he is on his normal patrol I get up with him and share the morning and prepare his saddle bags and see him off with a smile and kiss, I give a part of myself to him each day. The reason is simple.. he is a part of me.. he is the one who holds my heart and soul.
That does not mean things are always perfect for we have our share of disagreements, we just do not air them out in public, plus we talk of these things to work them out in a way that each are happy with the solution. As we travel closer to the southern camp, I find sometimes an overwhelming need to go and find him to talk, and yet at the same time, I am not sure of what it is I want to say, how does one explain these odd thoughts and feelings. So for now I keep them bottled within in.
Cana has returned to the embrace of her family and that is the way it should be. Trilok has once more become her guardian, I have mixed feelings on this as I know Loch wanted my father and Garyx to watch over her, I did briefly speak with my father my thoughts on this and I think he understood what I was trying to say, and what bothered me of it. Sometimes life is a double edged sword in which there is no easy way to find balance. I wish I knew what has my emotions in such a tailspin, I know I am not with child so it could not be that. I think of everything I can and I just do not know what it is that causes these ripples thru me that can give me such degrees of thought. Maybe that is why I have isolated myself for a while from others, when like this I might say or do something that is less than nice and that I may regret. Something is still hovering out there I can feel it. Is it that or something else..
I at times find myself angry at Loch for dying, taking away my grandchild because he will not be raised as his fathers and grandfathers blood line but by someone else .I am not happy with a few people right now. And fortunately for them I have kept to my own wagons. I will wait for Garyx return to speak with him of what I think. Maybe, with the length of time he has been working out there with the men, I think I may need to ensure he is well taken care of. I still have some old habits that I have not broken, one is keeping busy and the other is keeping much within myself.. I have gotten better at these things.. But, just not quite where I know people would like me to be.
I had an interesting discussion with Ba 'atar. I was a bit amused as I had sent the golden lily to give him my message, I think he enjoyed gazing upon her and what man does not, she was once a torvald bondsmaid. And all men of Gor want them. We spoke of many things, and he has confirmed a few things that I already suspected. He gave me his thoughts on a few women. Most of which I suspected but would rather hear from him directly.
One he wants just on the physical level, to own. But, does not see her as a mate. He did ask if he could just collar her, to which I told him if no reason was given that would warrant a collar, then I do not think he could, she would have to be courting the collar. I am not sure he liked that answer but it was an honest one. Another he wants as a mate but does not know if he has the patience to wait for, and yet there is another that he wants to mate as well, but he thinks he has to convince me. It is not me he would have to convince. But I did warn him if one rejects him the other would not accept being second best. The thing that I noticed is what he fears and tries to fight. Whether he admits it or not he does.
Although I do not know what his rush is, if he just needs release physically that is what a slave is , each of these women have something about them that intrigues him, my suggestion was to follow what I told him his dream meant. It was telling him something of himself. Something that he would need to work on before he could share his life with another. I worry that he is going to rush into something and just take a mate because he has set a time limit on himself. To mate should be because of what is in your heart, not to just do it simply because you want to mate. A woman considers with her heart. This is important to a woman.
I have learned a lot of him during this discussion. I tend to not hold anything back I ask specific questions even when I know the answer, because I want to hear it from the person. It means more to me to hear them speak. He is a good man and an honorable warrior. But, I think he must first learn of a few things ,and he knows what they are. I offered to help him thru them by assisting in a dream walk with him, he of course had a few dreams he spoke of, I think some he spoke of just to see if he could fluster me or get a reaction, I am not so easily flustered, I have seen a lot more than any could imagine. So what he spoke of was not anything that really gave me great concern,and I told him where he needed help in that one. I found great humor in it.
I hope that he takes time to learn patience.. and of himself before he rushes onward blindly. I did warn him of what happens if two of them ever get hurt. It is the white larl he has to watch out for not the grumpy gramps.
When it comes to my daughters, wether of blood or heart.. I am very, protective.
Now, if I could figure out what has me suddenly insecure of myself, I have never been and why I feel just so out of sorts.
I hate questions without answers. I was never good at puzzles.
