Maybe if. . .

I sat for a while at the main fires last night. It was strange in a way. I felt as if I were sitting with strangers. I saw a routine usually given to others when they have annoyed various people, and it was almost amusing to see it bestowed upon me. The reasons? Who knows it could be any number of things. And I will not bow down and kiss anyones backside because they want me to walk the path of thought they create. I have always and will always walk the path I feel is right. No matter who it irks. That is me. If nothing else I am stable,dependable and my word is honorable. I have endure for worse for truth,love and trust. I am not about to change now because leathers are in a twist.



Cana joined me and sat with me, she spoke of the odd kaiila she found. It is blind in one eye and has a blue eye. Now this I found strange for usually anything that is impaired does not live , the others would have killed it, she to found this strange. But, yet this one lives. I told her I thought it must have a purpose then. But, what it 's purpose is, would be something she has to find out. She asked me to come and look at it, I agreed to to this. I am very curious of this animal.



I have grown fond of Cana, she will always be a daughter to me no matter what the skies bring. I have not shared my thoughts of the visions and dreams because I just cannot bring myself to do so. And some things I know I can not share. It does break my heart to see the sorrow that will touch her. I am not sure I can handle this one myself but I have no choice, I can not be weak or falter. Cana and Falon will need me. Falon I am worried about, Lochley is a part of her. I know she feels something, dreams have kept her awake but they are unclear to her and she is not sure of the meanings. I know but I can not share this with her. I am worried of these two young women.



This is a pain and sorrow that I would not wish upon even an enemy. Lochlan is the last male born to Lochley. I do not understand why the skies are taking him . Not him, not that I wish harm any any of my children but why him? Have they not taken enough away, I have always remained true to our ways and yet they have taken how many of my children away either by death or by gorean law. A part of me begins to lose faith in the skies and spirits and destinies.



Maybe if I acted like a fool or a slut this would not happen. Maybe if I abandoned what is right and just do what is self centered and wrong it would not happen. Maybe if I did what I have seen others do. Maybe if I became less tuchuk.



Maybe the skies would stop bringing, sorrow, pain and heartache to me.



Even I get tired. And I am tired.